Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
JWerner

Reading Excuses - 11/14/22 - JWerner - The Witch and the Ostrich, ch. 6 & 7 - 5062 words (L, V, G)

4 posts in this topic

Hello,
 
Here's chapter 6 and a chunk of chapter 7 for this week. 
 
Last time, F—once a powerful necromancer, now an ostrich—was kidnapped and sold to compete at the C, a gladiator arena. He was paired with B, a vampire with the ability to amplify magic. With their powers used in tandem, F and B managed to create a small army of zombie gladiators. But B betrayed F and attacked him.
 
Having borne witness to these events, F's companion Q, witch and journalist, fled the arena.
 
Lemme know what you think. Hope you enjoy! 
Edited by JWerner
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really have many notes on this other than my LBLs, and even those are pretty sparse. Things are heating up for sure. Excited to see what happens!

Pg 1

“But zombies…” I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t work on the dead, how do the zombies get to circumvent that rule? Is it because they are not considered alive or dead?

“beach itself on the seat” nice

Pg 3

“wave of pain raze his inner…” razed

Pg 4

Ah nice, he’s just a head, that’s interesting

“how in the world he was still alive” I think should be “was he”

Pg 5

This monologue goes on a little long imo. I could guess most of this information about zombies.

Pg 7

“Razed the heavens” hmmm interesting

Pg 8

What? Napalm? That wasn’t invented until the 1940s and requires gasoline as a core ingredient. I’m still really confused about the technology level here.

Pg 12

“J into oncoming field” the oncoming field

“varicose veins who reached for her face” this sentence is a little confusing, and it makes it sound as if it’s the varicose veins doing the reaching, not the girl

Slamming the butt of a loaded crossbow seems even more dangerous than slamming the butt of a loaded gun

“You…you alright?” this phrase is not in quotation marks

Pg 13

I’m with B on this one. Can she at least use ole reliable fireball on the zombies?

Pg 15 “feather boa” ha, nice

“No visible effort to rescue me against you” the way this is phrased is a little confusing

 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

I don't really have many notes on this other than my LBLs, and even those are pretty sparse. Things are heating up for sure. Excited to see what happens!

“But zombies…” I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t work on the dead, how do the zombies get to circumvent that rule? Is it because they are not considered alive or dead?

This monologue goes on a little long imo. I could guess most of this information about zombies.

What? Napalm? That wasn’t invented until the 1940s and requires gasoline as a core ingredient. I’m still really confused about the technology level here.

Yeah, I fumbled around with the phrasing/explanation for that bit and it looks like it still needs work. I'll adjust it.

That's fair, I can cut down on it.

I'll make sure to replace 'napalm' with some funky fantasy equivalent (e.g. wildfyre, fiendfyre, balefire, etc) so as to not confuse.

Thanks for reading, GR!  

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also really enjoyed this submission! Not a lot of notes and most were minor. I caught the same awkward sentence at the beginning that @ginger_reckoning did. Lots of great excitement, and the main thing was the extended scene about loading the gun could be cut down.

Looking forward to the next one!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: But zombies, being zombies, got to circumvent both rules, apparently.
--Meaning the vampire can bend them to her will and it works on them? This was a little confusing to figure out.

Pg 1: "If she survived this, she’d make sure that he wouldn’t, damn the Queen’s decree"
--I think this is the first indication that some other force is keeping Q from killing F. This could easily go in chapter 1.

pg 3: I was concerned about all the miming when Q started talking to the gate guards, but I think the speech was pretty inspiring in the end!

pg 4: "figuratively and literally, liberated his body from his head."
--Does any one figuratively liberate their head from their body?

pg 5: "I plagiarized that paper to the pit and back"
--Why would he plagiarize if he had already done all the experiments?

pg 7: “Yeah, well, I haven’t gotten to use it in bloody forever.”
--I'd think she still remembered something...

pg 7: "Forever being more along the lines of four decades."
--ah, so the line about being a septuagenarian wasn't saying she just felt old. I think I missed that she was older before if it was mentioned.

pg 8: "She looked around the weapon."
--this section is getting long and it seems really odd she doesn't remember anything about loading a gun.

pg 11: I'm quite enjoying seeing F's head get back together with his body...

pg 18: yeah, no notes after pg 11. Quite enjoyed the action!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.