JWerner Posted November 14, 2022 Report Share Posted November 14, 2022 (edited) Hello, Here's chapter 6 and a chunk of chapter 7 for this week. Last time, F—once a powerful necromancer, now an ostrich—was kidnapped and sold to compete at the C, a gladiator arena. He was paired with B, a vampire with the ability to amplify magic. With their powers used in tandem, F and B managed to create a small army of zombie gladiators. But B betrayed F and attacked him. Having borne witness to these events, F's companion Q, witch and journalist, fled the arena. Lemme know what you think. Hope you enjoy! Edited November 14, 2022 by JWerner 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted November 14, 2022 Report Share Posted November 14, 2022 I don't really have many notes on this other than my LBLs, and even those are pretty sparse. Things are heating up for sure. Excited to see what happens! Pg 1 “But zombies…” I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t work on the dead, how do the zombies get to circumvent that rule? Is it because they are not considered alive or dead? “beach itself on the seat” nice Pg 3 “wave of pain raze his inner…” razed Pg 4 Ah nice, he’s just a head, that’s interesting “how in the world he was still alive” I think should be “was he” Pg 5 This monologue goes on a little long imo. I could guess most of this information about zombies. Pg 7 “Razed the heavens” hmmm interesting Pg 8 What? Napalm? That wasn’t invented until the 1940s and requires gasoline as a core ingredient. I’m still really confused about the technology level here. Pg 12 “J into oncoming field” the oncoming field “varicose veins who reached for her face” this sentence is a little confusing, and it makes it sound as if it’s the varicose veins doing the reaching, not the girl Slamming the butt of a loaded crossbow seems even more dangerous than slamming the butt of a loaded gun “You…you alright?” this phrase is not in quotation marks Pg 13 I’m with B on this one. Can she at least use ole reliable fireball on the zombies? Pg 15 “feather boa” ha, nice “No visible effort to rescue me against you” the way this is phrased is a little confusing 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JWerner Posted November 15, 2022 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2022 5 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said: I don't really have many notes on this other than my LBLs, and even those are pretty sparse. Things are heating up for sure. Excited to see what happens! “But zombies…” I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t work on the dead, how do the zombies get to circumvent that rule? Is it because they are not considered alive or dead? This monologue goes on a little long imo. I could guess most of this information about zombies. What? Napalm? That wasn’t invented until the 1940s and requires gasoline as a core ingredient. I’m still really confused about the technology level here. Yeah, I fumbled around with the phrasing/explanation for that bit and it looks like it still needs work. I'll adjust it. That's fair, I can cut down on it. I'll make sure to replace 'napalm' with some funky fantasy equivalent (e.g. wildfyre, fiendfyre, balefire, etc) so as to not confuse. Thanks for reading, GR! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 16, 2022 Report Share Posted November 16, 2022 I also really enjoyed this submission! Not a lot of notes and most were minor. I caught the same awkward sentence at the beginning that @ginger_reckoning did. Lots of great excitement, and the main thing was the extended scene about loading the gun could be cut down. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 1: But zombies, being zombies, got to circumvent both rules, apparently. --Meaning the vampire can bend them to her will and it works on them? This was a little confusing to figure out. Pg 1: "If she survived this, she’d make sure that he wouldn’t, damn the Queen’s decree" --I think this is the first indication that some other force is keeping Q from killing F. This could easily go in chapter 1. pg 3: I was concerned about all the miming when Q started talking to the gate guards, but I think the speech was pretty inspiring in the end! pg 4: "figuratively and literally, liberated his body from his head." --Does any one figuratively liberate their head from their body? pg 5: "I plagiarized that paper to the pit and back" --Why would he plagiarize if he had already done all the experiments? pg 7: “Yeah, well, I haven’t gotten to use it in bloody forever.” --I'd think she still remembered something... pg 7: "Forever being more along the lines of four decades." --ah, so the line about being a septuagenarian wasn't saying she just felt old. I think I missed that she was older before if it was mentioned. pg 8: "She looked around the weapon." --this section is getting long and it seems really odd she doesn't remember anything about loading a gun. pg 11: I'm quite enjoying seeing F's head get back together with his body... pg 18: yeah, no notes after pg 11. Quite enjoyed the action! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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