Reading Excuses—10/24/22—JWerner—The Witch and the Ostrich, ch. 1 & 2—4611 words (G, L, S)

[JWerner Noble]

Hello everyone,

Happy to be back, thanks for reading. This is an adult-oriented fantasy novella I finished a draft of recently. Right now, my biggest concerns are fairly standard. Is it easy to follow the scenes? Do you know what's going on? Do you have a sense of place, of atmosphere? Are the characters vivid?

 

Also, this is my attempt at writing comedy. So if you hit a joke or gag that's just downright not funny, lemme know and I'll see if I can fix it. 

 

Let me know if you think anything else could use improvement. I've decided that I just want to have something published, so I'd like to make sure that this is in the best shape it can be before it's out there in the world. 

 

Thanks in advance for reading!

Edited October 28, 2022 by JWerner

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Pg 1 "only sounds that came out of his absurdly long, salmon-colored neck was high-pitched whining." Sounds should be sound, and maybe add "a" after was. That second bit might just be personal preference.

Pg 1, I'm having a bit of a hard time following things. You introduce the killer as an eight foot tall ostrich. Then you introduce Q. Then you mention the name of the ostrich, F. It doesn't really make sense that Q wouldn't think of F by name, considering that they seem to know each other.

Pg 1. you start by saying there was a dead highway man, then Q pilfers the pocket of a second. This makes it seem as if the second dead highwayman just popped into existence. It would make sense if he was mentioned before Q began pilfering his pockets.

Pg 2 "sounded like what you’d expect a necromancer ostrich to sound like." More description here would be nice. I find it hard to envision what a necromancer ostrich would sound like.

Pg 2 "You should stick this in your writeup. The base adores the occasional skosh of violence." I'm liking the unique lingo so far.

Pg 3 "Yes, and now you see why people can’t know that I am unable to raise corpses to do my bidding!" I'm a little unclear as to how the spiked mutant worm relates to why people can't know about F's issues with necromancy.

Pg 3 "flaming melon" Is there a reason you chose to use flaming melon? It almost makes it sound like F's head is on fire. I'm wondering if there's a story behind this or if this is just more in story lingo.

Pg 4 "cook a loaf of sourdough at it?" F is giving me the impression that he's not very well educated.

Pg 5 "use that...tiny little triangle of yours." I found the wording here a bit odd. I don't usually associate brains with triangles, ovals, circles, general lumps are more the shapes I associate brains with. I'm not sure if it's different for ostriches, but I still found this a bit odd.

Pg 5 "Crescent’s" I'm getting Hunger Games vibes from the Crescent (I just reread the series so that's probably why.) I'm interested to learn more about what exactly the crescent is.

Pg 6 "opaque onyx glob" This seems a little over the top for an eye glinting. You could say that the glint flashed across the eye. You could probably get away with adding onyx in there too, but the two adjectives and then glob are not only a little over the top, but make it harder to understand. I had to reread this bit a couple of times to understand that this was referring to the eye.

Pg 6 "black-feathered mess got left behind." Now I'm wondering if the entire population is ostriches, or at least a majority since we've seen the highway men. I'm getting curious to see more of the world.

Pg 6, "she regretted turning him into an ostrich in the first place," Wait, is only F an ostrich? I got the impression that Q was one too.

P6 "install terror" Lol, this made me thing of F pulling out a tablet and hitting install on an app called terror.

Pg 6 "What? Writer. Anyways?” I have no idea what you were trying to say here.

Pg 7 "F getting himself violently and hilariously disemboweled in front of a cheering crowd" So...not friends? I'm interested to see what their relationship and shared history is then, considering Q turned F into a ostrich and all.

Pg 7 "dead tree number one zillion." Is the world mostly dead? Does Q have something to do with the dead trees? Does the gun kill any tree it touches? It's unclear why a zillion trees would be dead.

Pg 8 "feathery periscope with a paranoid operator." I love the metaphor here!

Pg 8, There's a lot of blank space between the two chapters. If it wasn't for the page count I would've assumed I'd finished reading.

Pg 9, My first impression of B is that she's very fond of profanity.

Pg 9 "a sterling conversation partner" A bit of an odd metaphor, I've never heard this phrase used before. I'm not sure if you made it up, or if this is something you use. Anyway, I stumbled over this while reading since I'm not familiar with the term. I'm having trouble seeing how sterling would relate to conversation.

Pg 10, J is giving me uneducated soldier vibes.

Pg 10 " “Says that trees are called something called orgasmic, meaning that they’re kinda sorta living creatures.”
“That so?” J said, her nostrils flaring in a lazy [sneer], which was the closest thing she did to laughing." I didn't get the joke here, but I often don't understand or completely miss jokes.

Pg 11, "“What was that?” B said.
“Something blowing up, B,” J said.
“I know that, J!” B exclaimed."   This portion seems a little heavy on dialog attribution, especially with exclaimed. The exclamation mark should be enough. They're also using each other's names a lot, it feels a bit unnatural.

Pg 12 "of scarlet on the jacket—she’d seen that cut from somewhere before, but couldn’t put her finger on where—which the woman wore over a shirt that had either been completely stained with ash," There's a while between the mentioning of the jacket and it being referred to as over the shirt. That made this particular bit a bit difficult to read.

So far I'm really enjoying this. The worldbuilding is amazing! The character's are pretty good, but they feel somewhat similar personality wise. I'd say that Q is the most distinctive, she seems more serious. All the characters seem to have aa certain flavor (Not sure if that makes sense) I like the flavor, but the characters do blur together a bit. I really enjoyed all the unique lingo, even if it occasionally felt like a little much. So far you have a really intriguing, unique story. I can't wait to see where it goes!

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

This was a very fun read! The characters were very well-established and enjoyable to read, and the humor mostly landed for me. The dialogue was also smooth for the most part. It took a little while for me to really get a handle on the setting, since the inclusion of a telepathic ostrich at the beginning led me to believe that this might be more random than it ended up actually being. There were bits that were confusing to me on a local scale, but overall the chapters made sense and I feel like I have a good sense of what the tone of the piece will be, as well as where the story will be going. One of the biggest pieces of confusion for me was the ID card. I'm not sure if its an intentional anachronism due to magic/time travel, or if where Q is from just happens to have those sorts of things. 

I do also agree with @FlowerGirl that the characters' voices are a bit similar, but for a humor piece where I expect most characters to be caricatures, that's not as big a deal for me. Also, many of the sentences were a bit clunky and required a reread to understand what they were trying to say. There also seems to be a tendency to cram a lot of adjectives into a single sentence which makes them quite wordy at times. 

I'm very excited to read more!

 

Opening the doc now!

Note: I’m pretty sure that one of your short stories was one of the first things I ever read on this website, and I remember it being very evocative, atmospheric and overall an enticing read. So, I’m excited to read this!

Pg 1

I like the imagery of the first sentence, but it goes on a little long for my taste. Makes me want to scan it a little bit and look for the end of the sentence.

Okay so a necromancer ostrich? You have my attention.

“another pocket on the second” I kind of think it should just be “the pockets”. There’s been a lot of adjectives just in general so far, which makes it not flow as nicely as it could imo

“god bless them” ha nice. This adds a lot of character

Okay, further down the page you note again that they have a lot of empty pockets, I definitely think you can cut “another pocket”

Pg 2

“like what you’d expect” lol

“trash filled river” I like the imagery. Again, I think the sentence goes a little long for my taste.

“thingies” Okay, I personally have called a p3n1s a thingy before, but didn’t realize that was a widely-accepted slang term. I must have picked it up subconsciously. You learn something new every day!

“Barbed” ouch

“Which part” glad you included this because the discussion of F’s collection distracted me from what they were talking about

Pg 3

“libeled” lol

“caught sight of a dog” this sentence is clunky, but the idea is clear

“now you see why people” Why can’t people know that he can’t raise corpses? Because he summoned a giant worm and now people have a high expectation?

Pg 4

“cook a loaf” lol. That would be terrfiying

Pg 5

“convince a squirrel” Didn’t like this line. Based on your other stuff, I’m sure you could come up with something better.

So is their main job as review writers?

Pg 6 “F, what’re you…” I like this line a lot

Hmmm intrigue, was it a prank that led to him becoming bird? Or was it intentional?

“What? Writer.” I get this line, but it’s potentially confusing. Maybe “I’m a writer” Would be better.

“regime in my image” This is a misuse of this cliché imo. I don’t think making a regime in one’s own image is a thing.

Hsghkl! Hah, that’s addressed below. Nvm

“use this an opportunity” this as an opportunity

Pg 7

“of course not!” It’s not easy to get sarcasm across in writing, but this does it very well imo

Q doesn’t seem to like F at all, are the two legally or otherwise forced to associate?

Pg 8

“periscope” very nice

Pg9

Immediately get a good sense of character

“slightly curled up in a slight snarl” repeated use of slight is distracting

 

Pg 10

“in the lowercase” Not sure about this line. Seems a bit meta

Seems like J is actually a good conversation partner

“orgasmic” lol

I actually think it’s pretty intuitive that plants are alive. Even if you weren’t educated, I think you would know that.

Pg 11

“that within the dead forest” that came from within?

Pg 12

The bell bit is funny

“point your bow” Hmmm I can’t put my finger on it, but I think there is a better way to say this in a more commanding tone

“some of it escape” escaped

Pg 13

“technically not in the city” okay, this got a snort from me

Pg 14

“god, give her the strength” This reads as the narrator asking god to give her strength imo. I think this should be an italicized thought

J is definitely my favorite

Pg 16

Is it supposed to be a plastic card? Also, I don’t know what dag-goo-row is supposed to be.

[Mandamon Listener]

This was a very fun read! You've got great voices here, and I really enjoyed the first chapter. The only thing I think needs to be stronger is the hook at the end, to really get us into what's going to happen in the story. Right now I know they're going to a town, but they don't have a strong reason.

The second chapter was a little slower, but the banter between the two was again very enjoyable. The banter can only carry a story so far though, which I think is where the others are saying the characters started to feel similar. it definitely moves us along, but I'd love just a little more hint of what's to come, so we know what to expect in the story. Right now I know it's humorous, and maybe 1900's level technology? I don't know if I'm just in for jokes the whole time, or if there's a more serious story in here (like the Dresden Files, for example).

Great job overall, and I'm looking forward to more!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: *blinks* Well, that's an opening!

pg 2: A necromantic ostrich? I am completely sold on this already.

pg 2: ...with a phallic fascination...

pg 3: "It’s slippery. Takes hours."
--LOL

pg 5: This is all delightful. I'm really enjoying the banter between the two.

pg 7: "with the added bonus of F finally being out of her hair."
--So now I'm wondering why she's with him at all.

pg 8: This first chapter is excellent. I would say the only thing a little lacking is a final hook. They seem to be going to a fighting arena, but I'm not really sure why. Do they need money? What sort of things does Q write? It means I'm not really sure where this is going yet.

pg 11: Again, great banter with the characters.

pg 15: "Everyone knew that there were only five witches in the whole country"
--Aha! I've been looking for a little more depth through here.

pg 18: Great introduction to the story. Looking forward to more!
 

[JWerner Noble]

Thanks for reading everyone! I admit, the same-y-ness of the characters/dialogue is probably my biggest weakness as a writer. I'll see what I can do about that moving forward.

On 10/24/2022 at 3:31 PM, FlowerGirl said:

Pg 3 "Yes, and now you see why people can’t know that I am unable to raise corpses to do my bidding!" I'm a little unclear as to how the spiked mutant worm relates to why people can't know about F's issues with necromancy.

Pg 3 "flaming melon" Is there a reason you chose to use flaming melon? It almost makes it sound like F's head is on fire. I'm wondering if there's a story behind this or if this is just more in story lingo.

I'll clarify that in edits. 

Yes. Q's a redhead. 

On 10/25/2022 at 4:35 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

“convince a squirrel” Didn’t like this line. Based on your other stuff, I’m sure you could come up with something better.

So is their main job as review writers?

“god, give her the strength” This reads as the narrator asking god to give her strength imo. I think this should be an italicized thought

Is it supposed to be a plastic card? Also, I don’t know what dag-goo-row is supposed to be.

Replaced the squirrel line with: "It was like trying to convince an art critic that a painting of a tree was just a painting of a tree, and not a metaphor for the current state of political discourse or whatever bull----."

If the nature of Q's job is still unclear in later chapters, please let me know. F's really just along for the ride.

I removed the comma; for stylistic reasons, I didn't do italicized thoughts. 

It's something close. The dag-goo-row is B's way of saying daguerreotype. 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--So now I'm wondering why she's with him at all.

All will be revealed. In however many weeks from now. 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Quote

1 hour ago, JWerner said:

Replaced the squirrel line with: "It was like trying to convince an art critic that a painting of a tree was just a painting of a tree, and not a metaphor for the current state of political discourse or whatever bull----.

 

Hah, I like it. 

1 hour ago, JWerner said:

It's something close. The dag-goo-row is B's way of saying daguerreotype. 

Oooh, gotcha. I'm simply ignorant and had to look up what that was

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

I didn't make any as-I-read type notes when I read the first chapter, but was overall pretty engaged with it. You've created two fascinating characters and set up for the plot just enough--I am guessing they are going to competition thing they found the invite coins for? I have a lot of questions about how this duo ended up together, but I'm willing to read on to find out more of their history. 

My first reaction in Ch. 2 was that I didn't want to switch POVs. I'd settled into the first one and was looking forward to more of those characters. 

"called something called orgasmic, meaning that they’re kinda sorta living creatures" this made me laugh

I loved seeing the ostrich described from the POV of someone who didn't know what it was.

"Bess almost said that the capital was only twenty miles down the road—hardly a pilgrimage—but she wanted to get on with this" If they aren't that far from where they're from, why is there such  a difference in knowledge between the guards and the witch? Why does the guard not know what ID is? Something about that is confusing me. 

But otherwise, I didn't really have much to critique. This piece has a strong voice and some good humor. Looking forward to reading more. 

 

[Robinski Rambleman]

Hey, welcome back. (Which is good coming from me, as I've been away for a stretch myself... Not in prison, I hasten to add. Not that kind of stretch!).

Ooh, writing comedy. I love comedy, I love my own stories to have humour, which the majority do, but it can be a very difficult thing to get right, given that what folks find funny can be very different, and some people just don't like comedy at all. This will be very interesting.

(p1) - There are a bunch of little grammar ticks and wording tweaks that I would comment on, but I'm not going to do that. However, before you sub it to an agent or publisher, have someone do a proofreading pass that is not you. Example: "she pilfered through another pocket". IMO, pilfering is not a specific verb in that way, I think it's a more general, higher-level action. I also think that it applies to the thing being taken, as in "she pilfered coins from the body". Merriam-Webster has this definition: "to steal stealthily in small amounts and often again and again". This is why I don't think the word is used quite accurately in this case. And, this is very much what I mean about having someone proofread who has an eye for this kind of detail.

"bread knives" - LOL.

Brevity is important in comedy, I believe. Even more so than in the construction of prose that is entertaining in a general sense. In the context of comedy, more words than necessary are not only unengaging, but they affect the timing of the line, and therefore the delivery of the gag. Example: "Their numerous empty pockets attested to just how effective that particular tactic had been with other travelers." Wordy: I think there are several extra words here that don't add anything to the line, and just delay the delivery of the gag. IMO, the following is funnier: 'Their empty pockets attested to just how effective that tactic had been.' > numerous (number of pockets doesn't matter for the line, and most people have about the same number of pockets anyway); particular (again, doesn't add to the meaning or nuance and only slows the reader down; with other travellers (this is implicit in saying 'how effective that tactic had been'. The tactic only could have been applied to other travellers.)

Great place names. I really like those.

(p2) - "A man can dream" - But he's an ostrich, right? This implies to me that Fergus is a man that has been turned into an ostrich. Interesting. > "necromancer ostrich" okay then.

"The base adores the occasional skosh of violence" - (1) I tried to read base as boss. Base strikes me as a modern word, so now I'm thinking there could be time-travel involved here; (2) what is 'skosh'? I do not know this word.

"Like, penises" - So, they were not penises, but only were like penises. So, what are they, and what do penises have to do with it? Is this just an excuse to use the word penis as a cheap gag?

"Q didn't plan to ask" - suggested as an alternative, being shorter, and sharper.

“Which part?” - I thought there was a typo with the quotation marks, and then I guessed that the single quote marks are intended to represent the voice in Q's head? I think that's confusing for the reader and doesn't really convey that those parts are not spoken out loud. Single quotation marks are used for audible dialogue by some writers, hence my momentary confusion. You could use italics, or bold type for the internal voice, for example, both of which I've seen in published books, and which look less like verbal dialogue.

"pretended to idly count off on her fingers" How do you pretend to count of on your fingers? Is she not actually counting? I presume she is making the motion in time with each option, so how is that not counting?

"LM, just for starters. No-good liars, all of them" - Confused. LM sounds like one persons name to me, but I guess M*****s is a plural? But since M***** is not a real word, and it's capitalised, I struggle to read it as a plural, and see it as I would a name.

(p3) - "The way he put it, it just spoke to his productivity. Q thought it spoke to just how bad a wizard he was." - Q is thinking both things here. As written, "it just spoke to his productivity" is her conclusion based on how "he put it". Her drawing both conclusions is contradictory, IMO. Compare that with 'He said it only spoke to his productivity. Q thought...(etc.)'

"like he was a cat that had just caught sight of the dog who’d pissed on him in his sleep" - suggested for flow and clarity. Also, LMAO.

"This again" - ROFL: great timing.

If he was a lord, why would he be involved in the actual hanging up of the people by their viscera? Surely as a lord, he would just order it done, and then wait to be told it had been completed, and the fact of how long it took, would be of no more concern to him than where his breakfast came from?

"She tasted the name on her tongue" - This again implies that me original interpretation of this a a single person's name, may have been accurate, which tends to upload my impression that the original line was confusing >

"That was DA" - oh, wait, is it the name if a company? This sounds much more like the name of a company, but I've been reading this as a fantasy story. Is it in fact, and urban fantasy, with tech and other such modern things? I would know that if I'd picked up a completed work including art and blurb, etc. so this is not a complaint, just be readjusting my perception.

"That was you?" - Bit confused: so, F was the worm?

(p4) - "something other than work" - How is that not work? Sounds like work to me.

"It was a black iron coin" - It was stated that there was a jingling sound, but a single coin would not make any sound, it needs something to jingle against.

"You bake bread" - I'm glad that she called this out, but, why would anyone with any kind of functioning intelligence say "cook a loaf" at it? That doesn't make any logical sense. You do not use a breadknife in the cooking process, and the cooking process does not involve the movement of the bread at any kind of speed. As humour, this passage feels very forced, and therefore not funny.

"tossed it over into the creek" - Tossed it over what? Could cut, and just toss it into the creek, or explain what it was tossed over.

"Was that supposed to tell me something" - It's unclear what 'that' is in reference to: the stream, the knife, the act of throwing, or even Q's statement.

Also, this banter is entering its fifth page, and it's becoming rather extended. It'd like to see some forward movement very soon, if not sooner than this. They could being having much of this discussion while moving towards some sort of goal, which they are not at present.

(p5) - "I didn’t shrink your brain down that much" - Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up the bus a second. There's been no suggestion to date that Q also is some kind of magic user, unless I missed it. If that's the case, I'd like to have a clue to that much earlier on.

Why a "toy" necklace, why not just a necklace? I don't understand the distinction.

"more to life than gathering nuts" - Heh, well, squirrels gather way more than just nuts, so I don't think that this line lands. Our squirrels seem to gather and hide as many apples as they do anything else.

"sold a lot more copies" - more copies of what? I don't really understand what these two do. What are their goals/aims at the start of the story; what are their motivations?

(p6) - "that one opaque onyx glob stuck in F’s too- tiny skull" - (a) wait, this is a one-eyed ostrich? If so, I need to know that way back the top of page 1 (unless I missed something that is already there); (b) should this be 'globe'?

"long-legged bastard"- LMAO.

“Instill,” Q corrected him. He glared. “What? Writer. Anyways?” - For me, some of the humour feels forced. I had to read this three times to get the sense of it. Why would he use the word "install"? He's a necromancer, an intelligent person. Him using the wrong word needs to be believable in the first place for the joke to land. But, if he's of low education enough to use the wrong word in the first place, it probably isn't funny to make fun of him anyway.

Also, "Writer." So, Q is a writer? What kind of writer? For what publication? I need the set up, which sounds rather amusing in itself, and therefore really should be on the page, I think, up near the top.

"rule by my side as co-mayor" - Mayor does not sound like an especially powerful position. A mayor, traditionally, is the administrative head of a town, appointed by electoral process. The term does not install fear and wonder in me.

"Her Dimwitedness and your fellow beldams" - I have no idea who these people are. If this is supposed to land as some kind of motivation, or revelation, it needs to be established who these people are, and why they are undesirable. This raises sooooo many questions. Who is 'her'; why is she dimwitted; how is Q associated with them; what is a bedlam? Many, many questions, along with all the other questions that I have. The more questions I accumulate without answers, the more frustrated I get. Withholding from the reader I highly overrated.

"though she could guess" - I can't. Characters rubbing my lack of knowledge in my face does not endear them to me.

(p7) - "She was a little more than partial" - What does a little more than partial look like? How much more? 10%? Probably, that looks pretty much indistinguishable from partial, to the casual observer.

"...hilariously disemboweled in front of a cheering crowd of thousands was delicious" - I don't see what the sub-clause adds, and for me it detracts more than it brings to this snappy line.

"Conflicts of interest and all that" - What conflicts? I don't understand.

"address their dinner" - LOL.

"Mind your gun." - Wait, what! This again is a sudden and jarring introduction of a modern piece of technology when we've been discussing highwaymen and gladiatorial arenas for the last seven pages. It upturns my sense of setting and place, and once again, I'm back to not knowing what kind of world I am in.

"dead tree number one zillion" - So, many, questions. Has there been a forest fire? What does the landscape look like? I've been picturing a default forest setting, because there was mention of a creek and a bridge. That's pretty much the only sense of setting and environment that I have.

"She considered the bodies, then decided doing so was in and of itself way too much trouble" - Really wordy. What does this add?

I'm not sure the end of the chapter lands. I think dramatically, it would be more effective to end on "...to catch up with F."

(p9) - "So the poor little snapbow had to sit off to the side, unused and unloved on the floor of her watchtower" - (a) How does this follow the previous paragraph? I don't think it does in a narrative sense. If the last paragraph ended "But no permitless fruit merchants had happened along, so the poor...etc; (b) How is the bow unloved? Clearly she loves it from the glowing description she just gave.

"was about as sterling a conversation partner as a brick wall" - typo.

(p10) - "from the town wacko to the town know-it-all" - LOL.

(p11) - "the explosion that went off within the dead forest" - missing words?

"collective yelp of fright from the townsfolk" - This sounds very odd.

"B looked on straight ahead. Two figures emerged" - I don't understanding the preceding reference to the time; also, I don't know what 'on' in doing in this. Beside that, seems clunky in a dramatic moment, compared to something like 'As B watched, two figures emerged...'

"trying to get off all the ash on it" - very clunky: 'trying to shake off a blanket of ash'. Also, not at all sure that ash and soot are the same thing.

"a reinforcements-worthy emergency" - as opposed to an emergency that doesn't need reinforcements? Why would they ring the bell then, if they didn't need reinforcements?

(p12) - "but some of it had escaped and tumbled down" - IMO.

"so did the bird, without any prompting" - LOL, excellent.

"goes and blows up in the dead wood" - It has been referred to as the dead forest up to now.

(p13) - "This one might need a fountain though,” she asked" - But it's not a question, so, said IMO.

"felt faintly judged" - ROFL, excellent.

"No, you can’t come in." - ROFL.

(p14) - "in the whole country" implies that B is referencing the country that they are in, but then considers that they are "so far from the queendom". These two things seems to be contradictory.

(p15) - "professional liars" - Bwa-hah-ha. I mean, funny, but not really fair to the vast majority of journalists.

(p17) - "check out what blew some of the forest up" - Why was no one else official attracted by the explosion? This seems really pretty unlikely.

"face flat as a table" - Oh, that's excellent. LOL!

CONCLUSION

There's a lot of good stuff here, but for me, it move too slowly. The thing that is slowing it down is the extent of the banter. Some of the banter is good, there are some real gems of lines in there, but all-in-all, I think there is too much of it, and it gets in the way of story, which comedy should not be doing, IMO. It's a balance between comedy and action, and I don't think the balance is quite there.

On the other hand, if this was pure comedy, I'd be saying that it is not funny enough. I think there are markets for stories including humour, but they are always other things first and foremost. You would never call Star Wars (A New Hope) a comedy, but it has some brilliant bantering, as you know. Guardians of the Galaxy is the same. But when you talk about writing a comedy, you are in the realm of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Princess Bride, etc. I feel that this seems to be falling in between genres and as a result into sharp enough in either camp, yet!

It's a very difficult thing to write comedy, IMO, but much easier to write a fantasy story with humour. Editing (in particular cutting down the banter that goes too far, or too long), can bring that balance back into solid territory.

Thanks for sharing!

[Robinski Rambleman]

On 24/10/2022 at 11:31 PM, FlowerGirl said:

So far I'm really enjoying this. The worldbuilding is amazing! The character's are pretty good, but they feel somewhat similar personality wise. I'd say that Q is the most distinctive, she seems more serious. All the characters seem to have aa certain flavor (Not sure if that makes sense) I like the flavor, but the characters do blur together a bit.

This is a good point, and I tend to agree. I did think that Jen was pretty good as the 'straight gal' (and I mean that in a comedic sense!!), however I'd agree that F, Q and B did have quite similar personalities and speech patterns.

[Robinski Rambleman]

On 26/10/2022 at 0:35 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

One of the biggest pieces of confusion for me was the ID card. I'm not sure if its an intentional anachronism due to magic/time travel, or if where Q is from just happens to have those sorts of things.

Yeah, this was my reaction to the gun too. The guards didn't recognise the technology, which made me think of time travel too. It's sort of acknowledged that there are different tech levels, but I think the reader need some explanation of this early on to help with these moments of disorientation. Just tell us. Not everything has to be a secret for later revelation.

[JWerner Noble]

Thank you, Robinski, for your extensive feedback! There's quite a bit of it, so forgive me if I don't address each individual point, but I have no doubt that it'll be really useful. Though this bit caught me: 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

Single quotation marks are used for audible dialogue by some writers, hence my momentary confusion. You could use italics, or bold type for the internal voice, for example, both of which I've seen in published books, and which look less like verbal dialogue.

And the reason why is in the first story I ever submitted here, the protag was telepathic and all her dialogue was in italics. A lot of people, including you, told me that it was annoying (not knocking you for that, just to be clear). So I went with single quotation marks this time. 

Edited November 12, 2022 by JWerner

[Mandamon Listener]

3 minutes ago, JWerner said:

Thank you, Robinski, for your extensive feedback! There's quite a bit of it, so forgive me if I don't address each individual point, but I have no doubt that it'll be really useful. Though this bit caught me: 

And the reason why is in the first story I ever submitted here, the protag was telepathic and all her dialogue was in italics. A lot of people, including you, told me that it was annoying (not knocking you for that, just to be clear). So I went with single quotation marks this time. 

I remember this. It's a hard line to walk. I've tried to excise all but the absolutely necessary internal dialogue and telepathic communication in my books for that reason. It is industry standard to put it in italics, and it does get annoying if there's too much of it, which may be what happened in your previous story. Some italics, done right, works well. But especially in a story where there can be telepathic communication and internal dialogue, getting the wording clear so you know which is which is hard to do.

[Robinski Rambleman]

7 hours ago, JWerner said:

Thank you, Robinski, for your extensive feedback! There's quite a bit of it, so forgive me if I don't address each individual point, but I have no doubt that it'll be really useful. Though this bit caught me: 

And the reason why is in the first story I ever submitted here, the protag was telepathic and all her dialogue was in italics. A lot of people, including you, told me that it was annoying (not knocking you for that, just to be clear). So I went with single quotation marks this time. 

Oops! Hoist by my own petard!! 

Fair comment. I could attribute this to the fact that I've changed my mind...  but more likely, I was just plain wrong. Seeing it on the page is the ultimate test, I suppose. I mean it's possible to follow it okay from context, I thought, but it's that initial moment of disorientation, and working out what's happening that I struggled with a bit. I suppose there would be ways to really telegraph it so that it was "impossible" to misinterpret...maybe something like:

       F looked right at her, but his voice appeared in her mind...because he was an ostrich, but also a necromancer. 'What's for breakfast?'

Dunno. Something like this is very much about majority reaction, I guess. But also what a publisher says, which @Mandamon's point very interesting.