Reading Excuses_10-23-22_ShatteredSmooth_Return Ch. 4_2266 words

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

 

So, Ari and Aeryn were very similar names, and for a few reasons, I didn't think Ari was working as a name for my main character, so I changed their name to Perry. 

 

 This chapter is a little bare bones at the moment, but I'm sending it anyway, because before I flesh it out, I want to make sure the action and logic makes sense. I have a feeling something is logically off about it, but I can't pinpoint what. Can you? And when I do flesh it out more, are there particular things you'd like to see me focus on?

 

I'm open to any and all feedback you have.

 

Thank you!

 

Edit on 10/24

I just realized I've been forgetting summarize previous chapters for anyone who may be coming in without reading all the previous chapters. So here is a quick recap:

Ch. 1: Perry, a person who had  secret adventure in faerie land as a teen, gets sucked back in to faerie while trying to save some teens they witness being captured by faeries. They free one teen, Cailee, but still end up in faerie where they meet up with an old friend / crush, Aeryn the faerie knight. 

 

Ch. 2 Perry, Aeryn, and Cailee go see the queen to tell her about the kidnappings. She says she can't spare any knights other than Aeryn until after the ball.

 

Last time

Ch. 3 Perry and Cailee get some new clothes, and then the mount flying feathered unicorns with Aeryn to go look for the missing teens. They find a cell phone. 

 

 

Edited October 24, 2022 by shatteredsmooth

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Pg 2 "“Though I imagine my guard’s beings are smart enough to take out the rarest color steed if they are betraying me." I had to read over this a few times to figure it out. I think you're trying to convey that if a guard betrayed A they'd take his rarest steed as well, for value or something. I'm not certain if I've got this right, the wording is a little tricky.

Pg 2 "“What if they’re being forced somehow and left the feather because they want your help.” It seems a little far fetched that C's mind would immediately go here. Unless she's the kind of girl who's always reading fairy tales (Or you could justify it by the fact that she's in one.) Then this seems a bit of a large leap for her to make. Of course you know your characters best, these are just my thoughts as I'm reading.

Pg 3 "“Would someone really kill you for peeking in their tent?” Wow. Harsh. I'm a fan of the concept though(In an it adds to the story sort of way.), and can't wait to see more about the Fae's way of life. 

Pg 4 "P remembered the guard always entered a report into a book A had access too, as the captain." It seems like not too long ago P was having issues with their memory. Now they remember this minute detail? Maybe there's a story to go along, or an interesting explanation as to why A has access to the book? It just seems a bit odd that A would remember this detail and forget things about the steeds.

Pg 5 "They hoped, they prayed, that there was more than one bed." I think I see where this relationship is heading. 

pg 5 "matters to discuss with my guard.” A has a guard? I'm getting curious as to who exactly he is in the Fae world. Who is he that he'd need guards?

Pg 8 "P didn’t know if xe meant there was plenty of room in the room, or if xe was talking about the bed." Wow. What kind of past do these two have?

Overall I really enjoyed this chapter. I learned a lot about the Fae world, and got some interesting peeks into P and A's relationship. I did notice that most moments are more of a overhead overview rather than being written in detail, hopefully that makes sense. If you wanted to add more to the chapter you could go and write out specific scenes rather than just going over things quickly. Personally I think the chapter is fine the way it is, the pacing is good and I enjoyed the character development and worldbuilding

 

[ginger_reckoning Stormwarden]

Overall, good chapter. I agree with @FlowerGirl that P's memory seems a little inconsistent. I also thought that it was a little lacking in detail, but as you said yourself, this is just a rough draft so that's not a huge concern. As far as the logic goes, I do think it's a little odd that they would just give up on the search so early. It could just be that I don' understand the rules of faerie, and there is obviously something going on with not being allowed to move after nightfall, but it seems like A and the narrative is really just trying to get them to go to the ball, and I feel like maybe they could have done just a little more to try to find the kids before going to bed. Though that may be because A had...other things on xir mind and wasn't focused on the search. 

Speaking of, as I noted below, I'm not sure if P is actually nervous about spending the night with P or just "nervous". It read to me a little like P might actually dread having to spend the night with A, and I'm not sure if that was supposed to be the tone I was supposed to pick up. 

Pg 1

“been face-down…” Oof, that is unfortunate. I wonder, is it possible to use magic to repair and recharge the phone?

“softer ground” that is very smart, but not very good for our heroes.

“attending the ball” it definitely seems like the ball is being set up as a big, important part of the story. However, I’m not really sure how this connects to the next bit of dialogue

Pg 2

“so we are all the way…” Okay,  im actually really glad C explained this because I’m dumb and didn’t draw the connection

“my guard’s beings” I was a little confused by this sentence. Xe is referring to beings that are subordinate to his guards? Would these be servants? Also, I think it should be that they are smart enough to not take the rarest color.

“unless they did on purpose” unless they did it on purpose? I think?

Pg 3

“but so much can happen” I’m inclined to agree with C here, I’ve heard before that the first 48 hours are the most important of a search, and like C said, the U could do anything in that time

Pg 4

“the rested there at the end…” they

“room for her and me” I’m not sure what this adds. Was it assumed that they would not also be going there?

“my quarters” ooohhh, okay that explains the above note a little bit. Also, (0.0)

“More than one bed” Ha!

However, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to be feeling here. Is this supposed to be humorous or legitimately scary? Because the “wicked grin” and P’s  worrying makes me think this might be a legitimate problem, so I’m not sure what the tone is supposed to be here.

Pg 5

“smells and the sounds (of) laughter” what does laughter smell like? Alcohol?

What does E look like?

“too many smells for A to take in” name slip

“bad bargain” good thinking

General note: I’m liking how there’s more descriptions of the surroundings

Pg 7

So are all the other humans that are here also young? How old is the quartermaster?

“oblong and door shape” door shaped? Also, that’s a pretty cool door!

I like the description of the room as well

But uh oh, only one bed

 

[JWerner Noble]

I haven't read the earlier chapters, so I was very lost. Because of that, I don't have a whole lot of feedback for you, I'm afraid. I did make some line edits in the Word version; if you want me to send you a PDF with tracked changes, shoot me message. 

I think that, overall, you have a good sense of setting, and it's obvious that you're trying to develop a specific culture for the fae. Interested to see where you go with that. Though I would also recommend on focusing on your characters, to make them more distinct from each other and to give them a stronger sense of emotional investment in what's going on around them, if that makes any sense. Also, something I noticed was that C didn't have consistent pronouns. Was that intentional?

Light notes below: 

Pg. 1

"Who needed cell phones when you could enchant mirrors to work two ways."—I get what you're saying, but I feel like you can say something stronger than just 'work two ways'

Pg. 2

"It definitely came from a steed."—Why definitely? I'd add some analysis from P's end. 

"Though I imagine my guard’s beings are smart enough to take out the rarest color steed if they’re betraying me."—No idea what A is saying here. 

“Unless they did on purpose, to send you a message,” C said with a bright grin.—Why is C grinning? Not picking up any emotional cues here. 

Pg. 3

"Sometimes P hated humans too."—This seems like a childish sentiment. How old is P supposed to be? 

[Mandamon Listener]

I liked this chapter. We get into some more exploration of the world, and looking for the other kids. I agree with the others that it's unclear whether P is simply nervous about the one bed, or actually dreading it.

Finding the phone is a helpful hint, but the feather is a little confusing since I was unsure on the logic of taking the rarest color of creature. This part could be unpacked a bit.

I like the continued bargaining that has to happed to live in Fae, and I think it will be a good source of conflict for the story.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: First paragraph, I don't think you need as much explanation about magical items. People are familiar with Faerie.

pg 1: “If they were precise and landed on the rocks, there would be little evidence of their arrival.”
--I was confused by this, thinking if they landed on rocks, there might be blood or something from the fall, but it looks like this means no tracks.

pg 2: "Though I imagine my guard’s beings are smart enough to take out the rarest color steed if they are betraying me."
--Not sure what this means. Take out as in remove from the choices, or take that color to use. I would think they wouldn't want the rarest color...

pg 3: "He pressed he palm"
--"Xe pressed xir palm"

pg 5: "that there was more than one bed."
--Lol.

pg 6: "and reminded P. and C. the rules of the hall"
--do we get to know the rules too?

pg 8: of course there is only one bed...

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

On 10/24/2022 at 8:54 AM, FlowerGirl said:

It seems like not too long ago P was having issues with their memory. Now they remember this minute detail? Maybe there's a story to go along, or an interesting explanation as to why A has access to the book? It just seems a bit odd that A would remember this detail and forget things about the steeds.

 

 

On 10/24/2022 at 3:10 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I agree with @FlowerGirl that P's memory seems a little inconsistent.

Thank you both for catching this! I'll try to do a read through focused on being more consistent with this. 

On 10/24/2022 at 3:10 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Speaking of, as I noted below, I'm not sure if P is actually nervous about spending the night with P or just "nervous". It read to me a little like P might actually dread having to spend the night with A, and I'm not sure if that was supposed to be the tone I was supposed to pick up. 

 

Yeah, that wasn't quite what I was going for. I think I meant to write them as nervous about being alone with A because they were attracted to xir (granted, I sometimes struggle to write that kind of attraction) 

On 10/28/2022 at 1:00 PM, Mandamon said:

I agree with the others that it's unclear whether P is simply nervous about the one bed, or actually dreading it.

Will definitely work on clarifying. 

On 10/27/2022 at 11:28 PM, JWerner said:

Also, something I noticed was that C didn't have consistent pronouns. Was that intentional?

No, that was probably me messing up. 

On 10/27/2022 at 11:28 PM, JWerner said:

I haven't read the earlier chapters, so I was very lost.

Understandable. Let me know if you want to read the latest version of any earlier chapters. 

Thank you all for the feedback! 

[Robinski Rambleman]

Hey, I'm getting there!

(p1) - There are some brilliant ideas in this. I LOVE what only blank books can do! And later, the furniture... it's something I've seen before (might even have used in DewD, I can't remember!), but it's really cool.

(p2) - There are various reference in text to 'they', and sometimes I don't think it's clear which 'they' is being referred to. Similarly, there are references to 'the guard', but I think it looks like reference to one particular guard, and that reference to the Guard (as an organisation) could be capitalised for clarity.

(p3) - There are quite a number of locations throughout where I found the narrative confusing and wordy. I've sent LBL comments through, and I appreciate that it's a (first?) draft, but there are numerous places where one well-chosen word can replace a handful.

I think I need some clarification on who the missing children are. Do we know that they are friends of C's or are we just assuming that? I want to know more about that relationship in order to be able to invest in the central premise, which is getting these kids back. What are their names? Is related to any of them? Any attachment? Maybe it would be interesting if C didn't like these people, but felt obliged to rescue them for some reason. Maybe some of this is WRS* and some of that information is provided earlier, but I think some repetition / reminder in each chapter (maybe?) would be good. It doesn't need to, and indeed shouldn't, be a complete retread of the detailed explanation of all their names if that is given earlier, but I need to be reminded who we're looking for some. (* For those not familiar, Weekly Reader Syndrome - the effect of a reader forgetting (because of the week's gap between submission) details they normally would remember by reading a book with smaller gaps between chapters.)

"if we die trying to find them" - I'm struggling to invest in the threat here. We have not seen the baddies being bad, or any results from their work other than taking the children.

"how cruel the fay lands could be" - Again, not invested. I'm being told this without being shown it. I know show don't tell is a total cliché, but it's a truism because there is truth to it.

"stay put once the sun set, per the rules" - Huh, what rule is this? Don't think we've been told about this. Finishing a scene on a point of new information is... undesirable, IMO. Unless, I've forgotten this, of course.

(p4) - "didn't know how far into the patrol they already were" - How could he have been talking to them if they were already out on patrol? They would have needed to be a the palace for hom to talk to them, would they not, but they were "into the patrol".

(p5) - I don't understand the relationship between P and A, so lines about them sharing the bed don't land for me. Were they together and then not? Again, I'm held back from investing in the relationship because I don't know what it is. I know it was touched on earlier, but I don't think it was explained, and it's really hampering me investing in their relationship, leaving any romantic tension kind of flat, IMO.

(p7) - At first, the sunlight is described as golden-red light. That sounds different from orange to me, which then turns to red: wording is a bit confusing on this point.

(p8) - Kinda weak last line, for me. It sounds like it's expecting more words to follow. I think scene last lines do a lot to propel the reader through the story, and I think it would be worth looking at most of the last lines and scene-closing lines to make sure they are powerful and portentous as possible.

SUMMARY

I find myself getting bogged down in some fairly scruffy sentences that tend to hamper my progress through the story. I felt that there was some repetition, and often the wording could be more direct. The search for the kids, I know, was in the last chapter, but this results in not much happening in this chapter. The only thing that really happened was the talk with the guards involved in the patrol, and it was over very quickly. This chapter feels insubstantial to me. I bet you could put this together with the last chapter and, with cutting repetition and wordiness, could end up with one fairly tight chapter.

There are good characters here, but I would like to know more about their relationships and their emotion in order to become more invested in them and their cooperation. At the moment, I think maybe there is a lot of person stuff that is not there on the page that should be. I mentioned that of C and her friends. There's no substance to that relationship, they are just friends, full stop. P and A have a past, that's all. We don't know what it is, but are asked to accept that it motivates each of them in some way, but we are not sure what way. The goal of finding the captured children, IMO, is not enough to fuel a whole novel. I need more personal goals/motivations, and higher level societal goals/motivations, I think, for the story to feel more involving, more substantial.

I hope all this is useful  

[Robinski Rambleman]

On 24/10/2022 at 8:10 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I also thought that it was a little lacking in detail, but as you said yourself, this is just a rough draft so that's not a huge concern. As far as the logic goes, I do think it's a little odd that they would just give up on the search so early. It could just be that I don' understand the rules of faerie

Yep. Agree.

Sorry, Sara, that I went in a bit hard about wording: of course it's a rough draft, and it's pretty good for being that!

And yeah, again, really need the rules to be explained early on, and for the fear of death to but put into the character (C), and the reader!!

Edited November 15, 2022 by Robinski