Snatches of a story: The Helios Symposium (suggestions greatly appreciated!)

[The Halcyon Girl]

Does anyone else here have new story highs? You start a story and then you’re just so SCUDDING excited about it and add to it incessantly for three days, forget about it, and come back later cuz it’s fun? 
Anyway, this will probably be dead in less than a week, but for now, here are the first couple bits of The Helios Symposium. 
Guys. Some people don’t really mean this, but I DO. If ANYTHING confuses you, or I could word something better, or I have errors or inconsistencies, or anything like that PLEASE tell me! PLEASE! 

Im keeping all of the installments up here, so don’t feel the need to wade through the other posts. All of this stuff right here is completely up to date with the most recent edits. If you have been following this thread, you’re welcome to skip to the end and find the new stuff, or just read it here—whatever, I’m mangling this. Anyway, here you go! 

Spoiler

If it’s convenient. I don’t want to scare people off.

And now. The Helios Symposium.

Installment 1 

Spoiler

Among treasure hunters, the real, experienced ones that few people really know of, there is a quest only the most determined hearts undertake . They speak in hushed tones of the cavern that holds that which they waste their lives seeking. 

    The legends also tell of much danger, should this item of interest become publicly accessible. The hunters know this, and yet they search anyway, believing that only they could manipulate it properly, only they can safeguard it.

    So what is it that inspires so much greed?

I suppose I’ll tell you. 

The truth of the Helios Symposium.

 

Installment 2 

Spoiler

MEMO: LG SPINNING TOP

HESTER,

WE FIND IT SADLY NECESSARY TO INFORM YOU OF THE STATE OF OUR CURRENTLY FIELDED OPERATIVE. HE HAS DOUBLED HIS SECRET SERVICE GUARD AND INSISTED THAT EXTRA SECURITY MEASURES BE ENFORCED AT ANY EVENT HE ATTENDS, PUBLIC OR PRIVATE. WE AWAIT YOUR ORDERS WITH TREPIDATION, BUT ARE READY AND DETERMINED TO  DO WHAT MUST BE DONE.

Yours,

Eagle and Catnip

 

Hester Lagrange stared at the paper in disbelief for a moment, then threw it toward the desk. She sank into her chair as it floated lazily down and slid to the floor. 

Tarledon had double-crossed them. 

They’d spent more than they could afford on a presidential campaign for Giles Tarledon, an operative who held dreams of reforming the country so close to his heart. His dreams matched up with the Lagranges’ mission, so they’d worked around the clock for months to launch a campaign that would see him to the top. Up until this point, his lack of time to work with his employers—namely, her—had simply seemed like eagerness to change his world.

But the message he’d sent—doubling his guard and insisting on extra security measures—was clear. He was done. If he hadn’t been playing them before, which Hester doubted, he was now. Tarledon had pulled out. The game had changed. 

Why had he defected? Had he taken a look around and realized he didn’t want to be the name connected with the largest security breach in the history of the United States? Had he, in fact, never believed that Hester was trying to do the right thing, and so, by refusing to play along once he’d reached the home stretch, done what he deemed necessary? 

Or was he using them for their money, so he could have a real shot at the power being President would grant him? Was that why he’d destroyed Hester’s life work?

That didn’t matter now. There must be a way to salvage the situation. Hester took a deep breath and leaned her head back, forcing herself to think. Tarledon knew that if he wasn’t an asset, he was a liability. A huge setback. That was why he wanted to protect himself, and that was the reasoning behind the extra security.

But could Hester really kill him? Could anyone in this organization? 

Don’t skip to conclusions. There must be another option—some way to get him back on track. There must be a way… 

If only they’d insisted on picking his running mate! If only they hadn’t let him run with his friend Tony Keirns. Then Hester would have a backup person ready to take the presidency in case Tarledon couldn't be… corrected. 

Hester groaned and pressed her fists to her closed eyes. Why? Just why? She’d been so sure about Tarledon! At any rate, she couldn't get to him now. None of her team could try to infiltrate the White House, because Tarledon knew every member and would pick them out immediately. Nor could they sneak into places, or shoot a sniper gun with anything like accuracy. They were good at bribing, debating, evaluating, gathering data, hacking, calculating odds, deciding the best step forward… they weren’t practiced in any necessary skills for such a mission. And now, they were compromised.

Lagrange was over. Bankrupt, powerless, their only asset being their operatives… there was no way forward. Everything Hester had worked for was now pointless. There was no going back; she had to live with this failure forever and make the best of this husk of a livelihood and leave the problem for those future generations to fix. Or die.

It was over.

 

Installment 3 

Spoiler

A couple of floors below in the tech base, the agents, all of which had just read the memo, frantically scrambled for a solution. Some attempted to uncover a way to earn a lot of money quickly, others searched fanatically for a way to break back into the U.S. hierarchy, and others aimlessly surfed the internet for solutions. 

Agent Desig booted up a software ‘alleyway’—a special feature created by certain clever people who wanted to remain accessible but hidden—to look for some way to fix this. She had only a vague idea of what she wanted to find—good help, but cheap; Lagrange couldn’t afford anything quality anymore. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long before she froze. Finally. This could actually work. She blinked several times and reread the listing.

Agent Rtil paced around the office, knowing his actions weren’t particularly helpful but desperately needing, for his own sake, some form of action that felt almost productive—anything rather than sit around and fret. He stopped now and then to bend down and check an agent’s computer screen—a pointless exercise, as he couldn’t really take anything in. Glancing around, his gaze lit on Agent Desig, whose back was ramrod straight and who sat completely still, eyes wide, right hand frozen on the mouse, left floating just above her keyboard. He walked over to her, hardly daring to wonder. “What is it?”

Desig jumped out of her trance upon hearing her superior’s voice. “Agent Rtil,” she began, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice, “I’ve found a mercenary.” She bit her lip hopefully as he leaned over her, glancing over her screen. “I know it’s unconventional, but…”

“Unconventional? It’s stupid. We don’t want to work with…” he let his voice dwindle out, realizing what he was saying. There were no desirable options anymore. That was precisely why Agent Desig had opened an alleyway—because they would have to make do with unconventional. He sighed, knowing he should feel grateful for a possible solution, however small. “Let’s take it to Hester. Maybe she’ll bite.”

Installment 4 

Spoiler

The year was 2113. Science had made a few significant discoveries, but for the most part, any wonderful ones were held back from the public for the exclusive use of the companies who made them—Or to sell to the Alleygoers, the people who comprised the foundation of the internet Alleyways or worked in the actual geographical location—because there was one actual alleyway in a town called Horseshoe Bend, down in Arkansas. The folks down there were always careful not to offend anyone, because you never knew if they might hire somebody to chase you down. For the most part, mercenaries were just hired to find information or infiltrate a base or a rival company. But sometimes… sometimes a government official or aspiring politician would pay Horseshoe Bend a visit and speak in hushed tones with shady characters behind closed doors in the night. 

And five days later, well… 

At any rate, people who wanted to hide would move to Horseshoe Bend to change careers. Some of the normal townsfolk too. Only their fellow Alleygoers knew who they were, and because of the rules the largest syndicates had set up, they weren’t telling. They were a tight-knit group—like family you have to either put up with, learn to avoid, or actually learn to truly like. 

The Alleygoers had originally been spread from New York to Coeur d'alene, and their job was dangerous but profitable. Those days had been chaotic—mercenary fights occurred all the time when the needs of bigger organizations clashed and they both hired somebody to do their work. But then three of the biggest syndicates got together to map out a better way for anybody who joined their group. No more masks among fellow moneymakers, no more permanent killings on the job. They came up with solutions for all of that. 

The syndicates were North Moon, ______, and Slick Soles. _____ was known for ruthlessness when it was needed but avoiding it when it wasn’t; North Moon specialized in protecting people and gathering info on the street; and Slick Soles, by popular consensus, was good at breaking into or infiltrating places. Those syndicates were still around, but the original members had retired, or served exclusively on the Alley Council. There were a lot of laws in place for Alleygoers. If any group, mercenary, or syndicate wanted an official certification, a go at representation on the council, or any of the perks of the laws, they had to agree to all of the laws, swear to follow them before the entire Council, and sign a copy of the original Alleyway Accord. In return, they’d receive a special jade bracelet to wear on missions, allowing them to be recognized by another Certified Alleygoer and receive the perks of battle.

I hope you realize how lucky you are that I’m telling you all this; it’s not common knowledge in the year 2113, you know. I COULD just reveal it gradually, as the characters discuss it amongst themselves and such things. In fact, I might just cut this part out later, so enjoy it while you can. And even if I don’t, you won't get anything else from me right now. So there. Ha ha. You’re welcome for the background. 

Anyway. Back to you, Ted.

Installment 5 

Spoiler

Hester had her head down on the desk feeling sorry for herself when the door opened.

“Yes?” She asked listlessly, not bothering to turn her head. 

“We, um…” It was Agent Rtil. “We’ve found a possible solution.”

Hester stood up so quickly her chair crashed into the wall. Despite widespread objection, she’d insisted on a chair with those little spinny wheels, and so far she’d enjoyed it to the fullest. “What? Really?”

“We… I think it might just work.”

“Show me,” she demanded, bolting upright and snatching the paper from his hand, skimming through the basic Alleygoer’s resume. “QuickFog syndicate… No experience? Contact through a mailbox in Horseshoe Bend? A mailbox?”

“Yeah…” Agent Rtil rubbed his hands together anxiously. “I had the same reaction. But… we’re in a corner here, and there’s no other possible mercenary who we might plausibly be able to pay.”

Hester sighed. “I guess it makes sense. Not the QuickFog. What you said. That’s what makes sense.”

“So… is that a go to contact them?”

“Yeah.” Hester sighed again. “I guess we better.”

“Okay.” Rtil sat down in a chair—not Hester’s, of course—a normal folding one. “Will we send agents in person, or just mail a letter?”

“In person. Assemble a strike team.”

Rtil nodded and stood.

“Oh,” Hester added, “And make sure I’m on it.”

“But—“

“Please, Rtil.” Hester shooed him out into the hall and closed the door on him before he could protest further. 

If we have a chance to save my organization, then I need to be there to make sure it actually works. 

Hester grinned. Maybe she also missed being out in the field. It was good to have a real reason to insist on having a mission. 

Or maybe rock-bottom has just driven me crazy.

She returned to her chair and pushed off the wall, settling her chair into a gentle rotation. 

Even if that was so, being crazy had never felt quite so good.

Installment 6

Spoiler

Elise Capelli had always devoutly believed that Horseshoe Bend was the most boring place in the world. Why exactly had her parents not moved yet? They’d talked about it constantly since she was three, but it never happened. Something always came up that convinced the family this was the right place for them—her brother got his dream job, her mother found an adorable glasswares shop, or her sister made it into the community college.

Nothing like anything had ever happened to Lise before. There was just nothing for a 12-year-old like Lise in Horseshoe Bend. Sure, she had a friend group she crashed when she felt lonely (a rather rare occurrence), but honestly she wouldn’t miss any of them, and none of them would miss her either. So she really had no connection to Horseshoe. 

Until now, that is. 

Lise landed on the air mattress, got up, and walked in the direction of her team. Melanie waved from the stands, then cupped her hands around her mouth. “Yeah, Elise!”

Sure, pole vaulting was fun, but there were plenty of more interesting places with great programs. Like Hawaii, or New York, or Alaska. The point was, she didn’t need Horseshoe Bend for sports.

A woman approached her, eyes alight with mild interest. “May I have a word with you?”

“Sure, that was my last run.” As Lise walked away, the coach—Taya Marke— waved her pen and smiled, an expression Lise returned mostly out of obligation. The woman followed her to the empty bleachers where Lise had left her things, bent to set her clipboard on the first bench, and turned back to Lise.

“My name is Kala DesCrena. Nice to meet you.”

“Elise. Lise.” She shook the woman’s hand. Just get to the point, please.

As if she’d read Lise’s mind, DesCrena continued. “I’m a talent scout for the XXX agency, and I’m looking for exceptional athletic talent. Like yours. Would you be interested in an after-school program to enhance your abilities, perhaps?”

Lise shrugged, not impressed by the prospect but hoping some additional activities might keep her from her normal amount of boredom. 

Kala handed her a flyer. “Talk it over with your parents. Then call me, or email. It’s on there.” She hesitated, as if about to say something else. She ultimately decided against it, though. 

“Thanks, then.” Lise stuck the flyer in her pocket and grabbed her bag. When she looked up, DesCrena had vanished.

Installment 7

Spoiler

Lise spent the rest of the day burying shiny rocks outside. Why?

…good question. 

She just did. 

She excavated a very large hole—maybe three feet in diameter and about two deep—and then found a round plastic bin and filled it to the brim with all the shiny rocks she had laying around her room and then finally she covered it back up.

Now she was bored again. Humbug.

She sighed and sat down right on top of the shiny rocks. Looking around, she conceded that she was lucky to live in a nice place with trees and grass and dirt rather than concrete. Neighbors were fewer around here, but close enough to yell at when they stole your tires. If only the neighbors would steal the Capelli’s tires. That would be exciting.

She’d mentioned the XXX program to her parents and got the impression that, like her, they didn’t really care. She had the go-ahead, if she wanted it, which maybe she did. Without a phone number, her main form of communication was through Gmail or Google Chats. Drafting an email was something to do, at least. Elise stood and brushed the soil off her jeans, then headed inside to the family computer lab, snagging the flyer from the counter on the way. 

The flyer was simple—a blue background and design with various emblems representing various sports such as soccer balls, baseball bats, or hockey sticks. The name of the program was emblazoned across the top, the dates and times right under that, and contact information at the bottom: 845-734-733 and [email protected]. 

Lise wasn’t mean, per se, but she did enjoy games, such as trying to fake an insane amount of interest. 

Dear Kala, 

You spoke to me earlier today about your XXX program, and I’m very interested. I think it would be a great opportunity to improve my abilities. I really enjoy pole vaulting, and I think it would be great—no, amazing—to 

Here Lise had to stop, realizing that she really didn’t know anything about this program. All DesCrena had said was something like, ‘to enhance your abilities’. Mildly surprised that she hadn’t thought to ask for more information, she continued, trying to stay vague but specific at the same time.

amazing to work with you to get better at it. I’d love to know more about when the sessions are and what it’s all about. 

—Lise

She sat back in the office chair and sighed. The email was short—she’d have liked to use more words to convey more interest, but she didn’t have it in her. Just because she liked to fake emotion didn’t mean she had to be good at it. 

Eh, whatever. She sent it and stood up to find some scratch paper to write random words on over and over.

 

Installment 8 
 

Spoiler

Hester skimmed over the paper Rtil had sent up that contained the proposed strike force—the group she was going to lead to Horseshoe bend to find this new and desperate syndicate to hire them for an old and desperate cause.

Hester L.

A. Desig 

A. Klein

A. Catnip

A. Yarrow

He’d wisely not included himself. He knew she needed somebody trustworthy to stay behind and hold down the fort, scrap pile that it was. With a sigh, she pushed her swivel chair back from her desk and stood up. We really are at the end of our rope. I never could have imagined resorting to something like this. 

She rifled through the drawers of the desks, then slipped a key out of the hollow behind the inside of the handle and rubbed the small rod between her thumb and forefinger. Then she walked over to the armchair and lifted the soft velvet cushion to reveal a small silver safe embedded under the seat.

Inside the safe she retrieved three things.

A small metal cylinder with a cap, just the right size to hold a scroll.

After all these years, the Alleygoers still use scrolls. To them, it feels more… solid. More real. And they have the added perk of just being cool.

A solid jade bracelet, large and noticeable, round but with a single hinge made of silver metal distinctly tinged with blue.

And a small, sleek, geometric, minimalistic golden sword hilt inset with jade, no blade in sight.

Perhaps it was worth it to sign that accord, she reflected. This way, I have no real reason to fear death. The law gave up on taming the Alleygoers decades ago, so I really don't have to fear them either, besides whatever Tarledon might try to do.

Hester placed all these things carefully into a canvas shoulder bag, then buckled it before heading downstairs to the tech base. “Rtil!”

He turned away from his computer. “Yeah?”

“Where are the others?”

“I don’t think you’re leaving until tomorrow.” He gestured to his screen. “There’s no room on this evening’s train.”

Oh. “I’m a little overeager,” she admitted. “I’ll just go be bored in my room, then.”

“I guess so.” Rtil turned back to the screen.

“Have you no sympathy?” She demanded. “I’m going to die of boredom and all you say is ‘I guess so’?”

He shrugged, a smile tugging at his mouth. “I guess so.”

“You’re infuriating.” She turned and stomped theatrically back to the stairwell, then headed down a level to the dorms. 

The agents mostly had their own homes, but in the weeks surrounding Election Day, most of them had moved into the building’s dorms to be closer to the center of the whirlwind. Nobody wanted to miss a crucial moment, or be brushing their teeth at home when they were needed to fix a crisis. This way, everybody knew the instant anything impactful happened. Most of them had gone back to normal life after Tarledon was elected, but a few had stayed on in the dorms.

The rooms were bare and boring like the tech lab, sporting gray concrete and bland but comfortable metal bunks. Some rooms were slightly furnished with wooden chairs, pictures on the walls, or rugs, among other things. Hester had left hers completely bare, just to prove to her agents that she wasn’t eccentric. For some reason, that had just cemented their belief, so she brought in some wallpaper and paintings, three wind chimes, a colorful comforter, a wine-colored loveseat, a vanity, a table, an armchair, a nightstand, a bookshelf, and some lamps. After that her agents always looked at her sideways. Oh well. After all, who can fathom the mind?

Hester unlocked her dorm, then entered the small space and flopped into the armchair. Maybe I should have gotten less furniture. It’s kind of cramped in here. 

With nothing to do, she pulled a book out of the shelf beside her. Plasmatine Mechanics of the Twenty-First Century. That was old—forty years out of date, published back in 2073. The book, as she knew well, was mostly ideas and inferences—theories, if you would, but not a lot of concrete facts. Back then, Plasmatine had barely been discovered as the rarest and most difficult element to pin down and utilize, but possibly the most interesting. Plasmatine had eventually been publicly abandoned, but certain scientists had continued to quietly experiment with it. The Alleygoers had found out how to use Plasmatine to make non lethal weapons to use on each other when opposite sides of a conflict both hired Alleygoers to accomplish their own respective ends. Hester was entitled to the benefits of Plasmatine too, as well as the obligation to keep it secret, since she’d signed the Alleyway Accord. Definitely worth it.

She didn’t bother to open the book. She just stared at it and debated about whether or not she should read it. On the one hand, she’d be doing something, but on the other hand, reading old books was boring. Eventually she swapped it for a book about the potential uses of uranium in deep space and read for a while. 

Eventually, there was a knock at the door. “Yes?” Hester called, setting down the book. 

“You should get some sleep,” Desig’s muffled voice informed her. “Ten hours until your train leaves.”

“Fine,” she sighed back, knowing he’d already left down the hallway. So shelving the book, she did as he suggested.

Further bulletins as events warrant!

-Haly

Edited January 21, 2023 by The Halcyon Girl
More content!

[The Aspiring Archivist]

Ok, nothing major but here's a few possible improvements. Take it with a grain of salt, I'm not exactly an expert.

Installment 1 is nice. "Lustful" might be a poor word choice, and "somewhere in the world" could be taken out. I would say maybe saying "accessible to the public" makes more sense, unless just "public" actually makes more sense in context. Also I assume you mean "is the," not "to the." Overall though, quite interesting and a nice title.

I guess you didn't really ask for anyone to be an editor, so I'll be talking more about the story from here on.

Installment 2 is a good setup, with some good characterization and no soulless exposition. The only thing that puts me off a bit is the idea that Tarledon's motivation is be self-preservation in a situation where he was clearly to important to be gotten rid of. If betraying your superiors(?) is what makes them want to dispose of you, and you betray them so they can't dispose of you, you are just making your own problems. Perhaps emphasizing whatever motivation he actually has to betray them could be better.

Installment 3: Nice way to clue us in that we are, in fact, on Earth. Also, pretty funny and sensible reaction to your whole campaign being ruined. No major complaints here, I think it's quite good and emphasizes the poor state of their mission. I guess my only question is: What is the mission? Of course, if you want to reveal that later it's completely fine. It can work quite well to drip feed information to an audience: it helps preserve suspense and suspension of disbelief by not interrupting the story flow with massive expos dumps or giving the reader too much info to process at one time. It is important, however, to make sure that the audience isn't confused unless you absolutely intend it that way, which I assume you don't given your comments at the start of your post. Maybe giving at least some idea pf the general nature of the campaign will help readers understand decisions your characters make better without having to reveal every important detail.

Given the length of that spiel, I would like to reiterate that I am not an expert, nor do I think I am an expert. Please don't take everything I write to heart if you fully disagree with it or know some context that I'm lacking in my judgment. This is pretty much me rambling about how I think stories work and what I do and don't like about your story thus far. So if you agree with the criticism and see something you can improve on, cool. If not, that's fine by me.

So now for Installment 4. Is this just exposition for our sake? I can't tell exactly, because it almost sounds like a meta-commentary that actually takes place in-universe, but then you talk about characters and stuff. My advice then would be that if this is supposed to be being read out loud, make it more concise and sound more like a recap than an expositional written description, because it just doesn't seem very viable as a script that someone would read. As much as the simile about the family was well done, you might want to save that for later use in the story. Otherwise, it's a clever way to fast track thee expos without the typical impersonal third-person omniscient narrator type. It has got me very confused with the whole characters thing and the seemingly author to audience type communication.

If this is just you giving us exposition, then great job making me write an extra paragraph! Overall, this is very interesting. It's just not enough writing to  get me hooked on any specific plot thread or character, which makes perfect sense and is fine. I am genuinely interested in this idea of an army on it's last legs, cut off from support and trying to continue on anyways. Despite my criticism, I do want to see where this goes.

So now it's your turn, I guess. Criticize my criticism. I don't want to be going around giving terrible advice to anyone who needs help, so if I messed something up, please tell me. Don't hold back from letting me understand your authorial intent. I hope you found at least something useful in this mess.

[The Halcyon Girl]

I’m just going to put my comments below, after yours, in brackets. But first. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FEEDBACK. LIKE, MANY MANY MANY TIMES. 
Ok here goes!

12 hours ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

Ok, nothing major but here's a few possible improvements. Take it with a grain of salt, I'm not exactly an expert.

Installment 1 is nice. "Lustful" might be a poor word choice, and "somewhere in the world" could be taken out. I would say maybe saying "accessible to the public" makes more sense, unless just "public" actually makes more sense in context. Also I assume you mean "is the," not "to the." Overall though, quite interesting and a nice title.

[I’ll look into those, and I really appreciate this! Seriously! Seriously seriously!]

I guess you didn't really ask for anyone to be an editor, so I'll be talking more about the story from here on.

Installment 2 is a good setup, with some good characterization and no soulless exposition. The only thing that puts me off a bit is the idea that Tarledon's motivation is be self-preservation in a situation where he was clearly to important to be gotten rid of. If betraying your superiors(?) is what makes them want to dispose of you, and you betray them so they can't dispose of you, you are just making your own problems. Perhaps emphasizing whatever motivation he actually has to betray them could be better.

[Right here is why I ask for feedback! I’ll provide a little explanation here, then when I can I’ll go back and revise it.

[Tarledon never really agreed with the mission—at least not near the end, because of the nature of said mission. He did, however, want the presidency. Thus the chapter. Thanks for the catch!]

Installment 3: Nice way to clue us in that we are, in fact, on Earth. Also, pretty funny and sensible reaction to your whole campaign being ruined. No major complaints here, I think it's quite good and emphasizes the poor state of their mission. I guess my only question is: What is the mission? Of course, if you want to reveal that later it's completely fine. It can work quite well to drip feed information to an audience: it helps preserve suspense and suspension of disbelief by not interrupting the story flow with massive expos dumps or giving the reader too much info to process at one time. It is important, however, to make sure that the audience isn't confused unless you absolutely intend it that way, which I assume you don't given your comments at the start of your post. Maybe giving at least some idea pf the general nature of the campaign will help readers understand decisions your characters make better without having to reveal every important detail.

[I never intended for anyone to know cuz I’m mean like that : ) I very much enjoy leaving things out because… well… I just do. Thanks for the advice about general idea—Ill see if I can slip things in.]

Given the length of that spiel, I would like to reiterate that I am not an expert, nor do I think I am an expert. Please don't take everything I write to heart if you fully disagree with it or know some context that I'm lacking in my judgment. This is pretty much me rambling about how I think stories work and what I do and don't like about your story thus far. So if you agree with the criticism and see something you can improve on, cool. If not, that's fine by me.
[See, this is precisely what I need to make sure my readers can understand it! I like ALL feedback. ALWAYS welcome.]

So now for Installment 4. Is this just exposition for our sake? I can't tell exactly, because it almost sounds like a meta-commentary that actually takes place in-universe, but then you talk about characters and stuff. My advice then would be that if this is supposed to be being read out loud, make it more concise and sound more like a recap than an expositional written description, because it just doesn't seem very viable as a script that someone would read. As much as the simile about the family was well done, you might want to save that for later use in the story. Otherwise, it's a clever way to fast track thee expos without the typical impersonal third-person omniscient narrator type. It has got me very confused with the whole characters thing and the seemingly author to audience type communication.

[I find myself needing to explain myself. How annoying.

See, I decided I didn’t care how messy the POVs and narrator stuff seemed. I’m not sticking to the rules of POV and narrator, at least not in this draft, which is super unprofessional, but then again, it’s just for fun. The section in particular is just Narrator. For now. It was very fun to write.]

If this is just you giving us exposition, then great job making me write an extra paragraph! Overall, this is very interesting. It's just not enough writing to  get me hooked on any specific plot thread or character, which makes perfect sense and is fine. I am genuinely interested in this idea of an army on it's last legs, cut off from support and trying to continue on anyways. Despite my criticism, I do want to see where this goes.

[This story is actually a pilot for a group of characters who haven’t come in yet. I made Hester a POV character because it’s more fun that way for me, writing them as other people see them. I’m also gonna get in their heads too (the characters being piloted (that sounds wrong)) because I’m messy and all over the place and live to write everything.]

So now it's your turn, I guess. Criticize my criticism. I don't want to be going around giving terrible advice to anyone who needs help, so if I messed something up, please tell me. Don't hold back from letting me understand your authorial intent. I hope you found at least something useful in this mess.

[MANY useful things. Again, thank you! So 

Many

Times! I don’t think you need to worry about giving bad advice. Thanks one more time (people who will actually critique are hard to find in real life, believe me).]

Haly—>out

[The Aspiring Archivist]

37 minutes ago, The Halcyon Girl said:

I’m just going to put my comments below, after yours, in brackets. But first. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE FEEDBACK. LIKE, MANY MANY MANY TIMES. 
Ok here goes!

Haly—>out

I'm really glad you found my feedback helpful. One thing I forgot to mention was that I found it interesting that for both characters in Installment 3 we could see what they were thinking. I think something similar is done in Dune, not sure though. It was a bit confusing at first, mainly from the sentence "Finally, something to report that just might work." First off, it's not immediately clear that we have just switched perspectives. Also, that is a bit of a weird thought to have there after your superior shows up. If she found something that might work, why didn't she already go up to him? It might make a bit more sense to 1) italicize the thought so it's a bit more clear that she is actively thinking it and then 2) put the thought before Rtil shows up, to clue the audience in that she's just looking into something that could be useful. Then Rtil could come up to Desig and she could explain what she has just found, just like you wrote it.

But yeah, again, great job overall. It really is quite interesting. I can tell from what you said that I was missing some important context. I do think that Installment 4 is a very cool and unique approach, I would just be sure to distinguish it somehow from other parts of the story so the audience knows that this is breaking the 4th wall, but that it doesn't necessarily interact with the secondary barrier betwen the reader and the actual characters and story.

[The Halcyon Girl]

1 minute ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I'm really glad you found my feedback helpful. One thing I forgot to mention was that I found it interesting that for both characters in Installment 3 we could see what they were thinking. I think something similar is done in Dune, not sure though. It was a bit confusing at first, mainly from the sentence "Finally, something to report that just might work." First off, it's not immediately clear that we have just switched perspectives. Also, that is a bit of a weird thought to have there after your superior shows up. If she found something that might work, why didn't she already go up to him? It might make a bit more sense to 1) italicize the thought so it's a bit more clear that she is actively thinking it and then 2) put the thought before Rtil shows up, to clue the audience in that she's just looking into something that could be useful. Then Rtil could come up to Desig and she could explain what she has just found, just like you wrote it.

[Good catch! Thanks so much and I’ll get on that Monday, when I can get onto it ]

But yeah, again, great job overall. It really is quite interesting. I can tell from what you said that I was missing some important context. I do think that Installment 4 is a very cool and unique approach, I would just be sure to distinguish it somehow from other parts of the story so the audience knows that this is breaking the 4th wall, but that it doesn't necessarily interact with the secondary barrier betwen the reader and the actual characters and story.

[In the Google Doc, I have it in a different font. I enjoy playing with fonts, and I think it works. Unfortunately, those fonts don’t work on here… thanks so much again!]

 

[The Halcyon Girl]

Whenever I go to work on this story, I find myself chanting, in my head or under my breath, “the HEliOS symPOsiUM” over and over and it’s fun and I think I’m insane which wouldn’t surprise me honestly.

And now, I present…
Installment 5! Yay!

Spoiler

Hester had her head down on the desk feeling sorry for herself when the door opened.

“Yes?” She asked listlessly, not bothering to turn her head. 

“We, um…” It was Agent Rtil. “We’ve found a possible solution.”

Hester bolted upright so quickly she crashed her chair into the wall (she’d insisted on a spinning one). “What? Really?”

“We… I think it might just work.”

“Show me,” she demanded, bolting upright and snatching the paper from his hand, skimming through the basic Alleygoer’s resume. “QuickFog syndicate? No experience? Contact through a mailbox in Horseshoe Bend? A mailbox?”

“Yeah…” Agent Rtil rubbed his hands together anxiously. “I had the same reaction. But… we’re in a corner here, and there’s no other possible mercenary who we might plausibly be able to pay.”

Hester sighed. “I guess it makes sense. Not the QuickFog. What you said. That’s what makes sense.”

“So… is that a go to contact them?”

“Yeah.” Hester sighed again. “I guess we better.”

“Okay.” Rtil sat down in a chair—not Hester’s, of course, a normal folding one. “Will we send agents in person, or just mail a letter?”

“In person. Assemble a strike team.”

Rtil nodded and stood.

“Oh,” Hester added, “And make sure I’m on it.”

“But—“

“Please, Rtil.” Hester shooed him out into the hall and closed the door on him before he could protest further. 

If we have a chance to save my organization, then I need to be there to make sure it actually works. 

Hester grinned. Maybe she also missed being out in the field. It was good to have a real reason to insist on having a mission. 

Or maybe rock-bottom has just driven me crazy.

She returned to her chair and pushed off the wall, settling her chair into a gentle rotation. 

Being crazy had never felt quite so good.

 

[CRITIQUE PLEASE, if you’ve got time]

[The Aspiring Archivist]

13 hours ago, The Halcyon Girl said:

Whenever I go to work on this story, I find myself chanting, in my head or under my breath, “the HEliOS symPOsiUM” over and over and it’s fun and I think I’m insane which wouldn’t surprise me honestly.

And now, I present…
Installment 5! Yay!

  Hide contents

Hester had her head down on the desk feeling sorry for herself when the door opened.

“Yes?” She asked listlessly, not bothering to turn her head. 

“We, um…” It was Agent Rtil. “We’ve found a possible solution.”

Hester bolted upright so quickly she crashed her chair into the wall (she’d insisted on a spinning one). “What? Really?”

“We… I think it might just work.”

“Show me,” she demanded, bolting upright and snatching the paper from his hand, skimming through the basic Alleygoer’s resume. “QuickFog syndicate? No experience? Contact through a mailbox in Horseshoe Bend? A mailbox?”

“Yeah…” Agent Rtil rubbed his hands together anxiously. “I had the same reaction. But… we’re in a corner here, and there’s no other possible mercenary who we might plausibly be able to pay.”

Hester sighed. “I guess it makes sense. Not the QuickFog. What you said. That’s what makes sense.”

“So… is that a go to contact them?”

“Yeah.” Hester sighed again. “I guess we better.”

“Okay.” Rtil sat down in a chair—not Hester’s, of course, a normal folding one. “Will we send agents in person, or just mail a letter?”

“In person. Assemble a strike team.”

Rtil nodded and stood.

“Oh,” Hester added, “And make sure I’m on it.”

“But—“

“Please, Rtil.” Hester shooed him out into the hall and closed the door on him before he could protest further. 

If we have a chance to save my organization, then I need to be there to make sure it actually works. 

Hester grinned. Maybe she also missed being out in the field. It was good to have a real reason to insist on having a mission. 

Or maybe rock-bottom has just driven me crazy.

She returned to her chair and pushed off the wall, settling her chair into a gentle rotation. 

Being crazy had never felt quite so good.

 

[CRITIQUE PLEASE, if you’ve got time]

I really liked this one! It's easy to understand for the reader and establishes a believable dynamic between two co-workers who've known each other for a while. I'm assuming there was some sort of distinction between the direct thoughts and the narration in your doc, but maybe just italicize it when you move it over here to make it a little easier to read. Other than that, there isn't really a lot here to critique. It's just a funny dialogue. If I had to critique one thing, I'd say that the spinning chair line is a bit awkward. Maybe making it action a bit more specific (like: "Hester bolted upright so quickly that her chair got pushed back and crashed into the wall. She had insisted on getting that rolling chair, despite Agent Rtil's objections.") It's good joke, just a bit awkward. You might want to try to find a way to avoid parentheses when you write those, since they are an easy way to tack on information but interrupt the normal flow of the sentence structure.

[The Halcyon Girl]

1 hour ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I really liked this one! It's easy to understand for the reader and establishes a believable dynamic between two co-workers who've known each other for a while. I'm assuming there was some sort of distinction between the direct thoughts and the narration in your doc, but maybe just italicize it when you move it over here to make it a little easier to read. Other than that, there isn't really a lot here to critique. It's just a funny dialogue. If I had to critique one thing, I'd say that the spinning chair line is a bit awkward. Maybe making it action a bit more specific (like: "Hester bolted upright so quickly that her chair got pushed back and crashed into the wall. She had insisted on getting that rolling chair, despite Agent Rtil's objections.") It's good joke, just a bit awkward. You might want to try to find a way to avoid parentheses when you write those, since they are an easy way to tack on information but interrupt the normal flow of the sentence structure.

Noted, noted, and thanks again! Off I go editing!

[The Halcyon Girl]

All right, then. I find myself here today with installment 6.

While writing this, I found myself with a problem. 

This was supposed to be happening before the book even began.

I think I have a solution—still flushing it out, but I think it’ll be all right. Eventually. But oh well. Please enjoy, any feedback welcome!

Spoiler

Elise Capelli had always thought Horseshoe Bend was the most boring place in the world. Why exactly had her parents not moved yet? They’d talked about it constantly since she was three, but it never happened. Something always came up that convinced the family this was the right place for them—her brother got his dream job, her mother found an adorable glasswares shop, or her sister made it into the community college.

Nothing like anything had ever happened to Lise before. There was just nothing for a 13-year-old like Lise in Horseshoe Bend. Sure, she had a friend group she crashed when she felt lonely (a rather rare occurrence), but honestly she wouldn’t miss any of them, and none of them would miss her either. So she really had no connection to Horseshoe. 

Until now, that is. 

Lise landed on the air mattress, got up, and walked back over to her team. Melanie waved from the stands, smiling. Yeah, pole vaulting was fun,  but honestly, all sorts of places had that. Maybe Lise could get a scholarship to Hawaii. ‘Tropical Pole Vaulting Scholarship.’ It even sounded ridiculous in her head. The point was, she didn’t need Horseshoe Bend for sports.

…Yet. Haha, spoilers, am I right?

A woman approached them, eyes fixed on Lise and glimmering with interest. “May I have a word with you?”

“Sure, that was my last run.” As Lise walked away, the coach smiled and waved her pen. Lise returned the smile, more out of obligation than anything else. The woman led her to the empty bleachers, bending to set her clipboard on the first bench. Then she turned back to Lise.

“Your name is Elise Capelli?” When Lise confirmed, she continued. “Elise—“

“Lise,” the addressee interrupted.

“My name is Kala DesCrena. I’m a talent scout for the XXX agency, and I’m looking for exceptional athletic talent. Like yours. Would you be interested in an after-school program to enhance your abilities, perhaps?”

Lise shrugged, not impressed by the prospect but hoping some additional activities might keep her from her normal amount of boredom. “Yeah, sure. What days? What times?”

“We’re flexible.”

“Just me?”

The talent shook her head. “We have several other potential members, and we’re hoping to entice others here to participate.” 

“Cool.”

“Do you have a phone number?”

Lise shook her head.

“If you can write down your email here, I’ll send you the details.”

Lise took the clipboard from DesCrena and scribbled down [email protected] before taking her leave of the talent scout to ride home in her sister’s sleek blue Title.

For context, my friends, A Title is the latest and greatest in the world of cars all run on sustainable electricity with special solar harvesters and—okay, it’s complicated. Just… a Title is a brand of an electric car. That’s all you need to know.

 

 

Edited October 26, 2022 by The Halcyon Girl

[Shadowed]

Ok ima go through this bit by bit and put my thoughts (which you totally don’t have to agree with, or use, or anything) inside the quote in [bold square brackets]. Here goes:

5 hours ago, The Halcyon Girl said:

 

  Hide contents

Elise Capelli had always thought Horseshoe Bend was the most boring place in the world. Why exactly had her parents not moved yet? They’d talked about it constantly since she was three, but it never happened. Something always came up that convinced the family this was the right place for them—her brother got his dream job, her mother found an adorable glasswares shop, or her sister made it into the community college.

[this is good! maybe instead of the question in the second sentence you could say something along the lines of ‘she could never understand why exactly her parents hadn’t moved yet’ but that’s purely stylistic choice. if you prefer the question, totally keep it!]

Nothing like anything had ever happened to Lise before. There was just nothing for a 13-year-old like Lise in Horseshoe Bend. Sure, she had a friend group she crashed when she felt lonely (a rather rare occurrence), but honestly she wouldn’t miss any of them, and none of them would miss her either. So she really had no connection to Horseshoe. 

[maybe change ‘nothing like anything’ to ‘nothing like that’ - i get what you’re doing with that, but it just makes more grammatical sense and reads easier. Also, because you already used her name in the previous sentence, you could just say ‘there was just nothing for a 13-year-old like her in Horseshoe Bend’ substituting Lise for her. Similarly, you’ve used ‘Horseshoe Bend’ quite a lot so in the last sentence of that paragraph you could say ‘no connection to the town/city/village’ instead.]

Until now, that is. 

[ooh, nice pacing!! although maybe say just ‘until now’ because it gets confusing with the tenses, going from ‘was’ to ‘is’ to ‘was’ again. Unless you’re trying to do a future-Lise-does-some-narration-on-her-past-but-in-the-present-tense thing, in which case maybe put it in italics or have some obvious way to differentiate?]

Lise landed on the air mattress, got up, and walked back over to her team. Melanie waved from the stands, smiling. Yeah, pole vaulting was fun,  but honestly, all sorts of places had that. Maybe Lise could get a scholarship to Hawaii. ‘Tropical Pole Vaulting Scholarship.’ It even sounded ridiculous in her head. The point was, she didn’t need Horseshoe Bend for sports.

[Again, purely stylistic. Maybe take out the ‘honestly’ in ‘honestly, all sorts of places had that’ because saying ‘honestly’ gives the impression that she’s trying to disprove something. Without the honestly, it gives more of an impression of easygoing, casual ‘well, obviously’ type of opinion. It really depends on what you’re going for. Also, I personally would switch Lise for She in ‘maybe Lise could get a scholarship’ again, because you already used Lise in that paragraph. And last thing, I promise, imo the second-last sentence fits better as ‘it sounded ridiculous even in her head’ just switching the word order a bit. Alright, I’m done for this paragraph now!]

…Yet. Haha, spoilers, am I right?

[Maybe take out the ‘haha’ as it’s a bit too informal/text speak. Unless this is the future-Lise-narrates thing I mentioned earlier, in which case my comments up there apply to this as well.]

A woman approached them, eyes fixed on Lise and glimmering with interest. “May I have a word with you?”

“Sure, that was my last run.” As Lise walked away, the coach smiled and waved her pen. Lise returned the smile, more out of obligation than anything else. The woman led her to the empty bleachers, bending to set her clipboard on the first bench. Then she turned back to Lise.

[In this case I’m not going to say anything about Lise/pronouns, because there’s someone else that ‘she’ or ‘her’ could refer to. In this instance, it’s totally fine to use Lise as many times as you like (within reason lol)]

“Your name is Elise Capelli?” When Lise confirmed, she continued. “Elise—“

“Lise,” the addressee interrupted.

[you probably could get away with just saying ‘Lise’ rather than ‘Lise’, the addressee interrupted’ in this part because ‘addressee’ seems a bit formal compared to the rest of it. But otherwise, I really like this bit!]

“My name is Kala DesCrena. I’m a talent scout for the XXX agency, and I’m looking for exceptional athletic talent. Like yours. Would you be interested in an after-school program to enhance your abilities, perhaps?”

[I assume XXX is a placeholder?]

Lise shrugged, not impressed by the prospect but hoping some additional activities might keep her from her normal amount of boredom. “Yeah, sure. What days? What times?”

[maybe take out ‘normal amount of’ so it reads ‘keep her from her boredom’?]

“We’re flexible.”

“Just me?”

The talent shook her head. “We have several other potential members, and we’re hoping to entice others here to participate.” 

[‘talent scout’ or ‘scout’ instead of ‘talent’ unless this is some kind of sport slang i’m not aware of, in which case change it anyway because other readers might not know what it means.]

“Cool.”

“Do you have a phone number?”

Lise shook her head.

[maybe add in DesCrena asking her if she has an email address? it just seems like she asks for a phone number but assumes she has an email address which, if she doesn’t have a phone number, isn’t that likely.]

“If you can write down your email here, I’ll send you the details.”

Lise took the clipboard from DesCrena and scribbled down [email protected] before taking her leave of the talent scout to ride home in her sister’s sleek blue Title.

For context, my friends, A Title is the latest and greatest in the world of cars all run on sustainable electricity with special solar harvesters and—okay, it’s complicated. Just… a Title is a brand of an electric car. That’s all you need to know.

 

 

There you go! I hope I wasn’t too overly critical. Feel free to use as much or as little of that as you like

[The Halcyon Girl]

Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read through this—and critique it! Thanks so much, my appreciation is polished silver. I’m going to put my responses in brackets also and then go edit the actual document.

Ughhhhh. So I was doing just that ^^ but I accidentally deleted it all. So just let me tell you that your critiques were quite helpful and that I shall go editing, and I’ll explain the most important one.

18 hours ago, MysticalShadows said:

 

…Yet. Haha, spoilers, am I right?

[Maybe take out the ‘haha’ as it’s a bit too informal/text speak. Unless this is the future-Lise-narrates thing I mentioned earlier, in which case my comments up there apply to this as well.]

To do this, lemme grab something I said earlier.

[I find myself needing to explain myself. How annoying. See, I decided I didn’t care how messy the POVs and narrator stuff seemed. I’m not sticking to the rules of POV and narrator, at least not in this draft, which is super unprofessional, but then again, it’s just for fun. The section in particular is just Narrator. For now. It was very fun to write.]

Also, I have another font for narrator on google docs. Here, I have to italicize it… in that case, I just forgot. Thanks for catching that.

My many gratitudes for taking the time to give me critiques! I appreciate that so much.

Haly—>out

[Shadowed]

Ohh, that makes sense on the narrator thing 

You’re totally welcome for the critiques! It was really fun to read, and I know i got a bit picky but I loved it overall!

[The Halcyon Girl]

18 hours ago, MysticalShadows said:

Ohh, that makes sense on the narrator thing 

You’re totally welcome for the critiques! It was really fun to read, and I know i got a bit picky but I loved it overall!

I’m so glad! I have more up at the very top of you want the context. I really appreciated the pickiness, actually! And again, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

[The Aspiring Archivist]

Does this count as a necropost? Probably not.

I'll do the same thing Shadow did, and maybe some more general commentary.

On 10/24/2022 at 7:57 PM, Ookla the BlowUpperOfStuff said:

All right, then. I find myself here today with installment 6.

While writing this, I found myself with a problem. 

This was supposed to be happening before the book even began.

I think I have a solution—still flushing it out, but I think it’ll be all right. Eventually. But oh well. Please enjoy, any feedback welcome!

  Hide contents

Elise Capelli had always thought Horseshoe Bend was the most boring place in the world. Why exactly had her parents not moved yet? They’d talked about it constantly since she was three, but it never happened. Something always came up that convinced the family this was the right place for them—her brother got his dream job, her mother found an adorable glasswares shop, or her sister made it into the community college.

[This is good. Establishing a personal gripe that the character has with something like since characterizes her. We now know that she is not a fan or boredom, and is also maybe a bit selfish since she doesn't really care that things are fine for her family where they are. Would be cool to see this built upon.]

Nothing like anything had ever happened to Lise before. There was just nothing for a 13-year-old like Lise in Horseshoe Bend. Sure, she had a friend group she crashed when she felt lonely (a rather rare occurrence), but honestly she wouldn’t miss any of them, and none of them would miss her either. So she really had no connection to Horseshoe. 

[Okay, interesting. At least for me, this is proposing an typical framework for the, for lack of a better term, 'mean' protagonist. She's selfish and doesn't seem to care much at all about her friends. This opens potential for a character arc that brings her to the more caring, grateful side if you so desire.]

Until now, that is. 

[woooooah plot twist?]

Lise landed on the air mattress, got up, and walked back over to her team. Melanie waved from the stands, smiling. Yeah, pole vaulting was fun, but honestly, all sorts of places had that. Maybe Lise could get a scholarship to Hawaii. ‘Tropical Pole Vaulting Scholarship.’ It even sounded ridiculous in her head. The point was, she didn’t need Horseshoe Bend for sports.

[Potential opportunity for her parents to choose a very inconvenient time to move? By no means is that necessary or even a good option depending on where this story goes, but that's just my reading instincts kicking in.]

…Yet. Haha, spoilers, am I right?

[Thanks, narrator. This placement is a little awkward. I see what you're doing, it seems to be a sort of playful character who is aware of her own literary stance. At the same time, it's a little strange to use things like 'Haha' and 'am I right,' which would typically only appear in conversation or texting. At least to me, something like 'Whoops, spoilers' would be more natural because it's less of an imitation of actual conversation and less of a directly personal phrase. Not that something like that can't be used for a good effect, this is just my view of it.]

A woman approached them, eyes fixed on Lise and glimmering with interest. “May I have a word with you?”

['Glimmering with interest' feels like a phrase that would be used for a villain or someone who is established to be obsessive. Don't know if that is what you are going for.]

“Sure, that was my last run.” As Lise walked away, the coach smiled and waved her pen. Lise returned the smile, more out of obligation than anything else. The woman led her to the empty bleachers, bending to set her clipboard on the first bench. Then she turned back to Lise.

[Maybe I'm just stupid and/or tired, but for some reason I didn't immediately get that she was actually pole vaulting. Maybe including some mention of the pole before the mattress could help out ignorant fools like I.]

“Your name is Elise Capelli?” When Lise confirmed, she continued. “Elise—“

“Lise,” the addressee interrupted.

[More character framing, I like it. So far, it all fits together, and you haven't had to directly express her character once. Great start.]

“My name is Kala DesCrena. I’m a talent scout for the XXX agency, and I’m looking for exceptional athletic talent. Like yours. Would you be interested in an after-school program to enhance your abilities, perhaps?”

[Ok, this to me again feels shady. If Kala is shady, then good for you, you communicated it well. Otherwise, it's a little weird that she would jump to that, without bothering to consult parents or coaches or anything. You don't really tell a 13-year-old stuff like that directly, I feel like.]

Lise shrugged, not impressed by the prospect but hoping some additional activities might keep her from her normal amount of boredom. “Yeah, sure. What days? What times?”

“We’re flexible.”

[The other potential angle I'm getting is one of exclusivity that's really all about the highest talent. If that's the case, it's still weird that this recruiter is suggesting working out the schedules with Lise directly and with no consultation of parents. This conversation feels like it's being had between adults, not because Lise is acting adult-ish and confident (that's just character) but because the recruiter is treating her as such.]

“Just me?”

The talent shook her head. “We have several other potential members, and we’re hoping to entice others here to participate.” 

“Cool.”

“Do you have a phone number?”

Lise shook her head.

“If you can write down your email here, I’ll send you the details.”

Lise took the clipboard from DesCrena and scribbled down [email protected] before taking her leave of the talent scout to ride home in her sister’s sleek blue Title.

[An adult in direct, unsupervised contact with a minor. Weird. If it is intentional, again well done on setting up a fishy image for whatever this recruiting group is. Also, great email.]

For context, my friends, A Title is the latest and greatest in the world of cars all run on sustainable electricity with special solar harvesters and—okay, it’s complicated. Just… a Title is a brand of an electric car. That’s all you need to know.

[A little wordy here, and again a very communicative sounding segment. I think the main thing that putts me off about it is that it has the kind of spontaneity present in conversation, but that wouldn't make sense to be present in a written note.]

 

 

Overall, I liked it. I think you did well on the characterization for Lise, especially. The two main criticisms I have are:

1. The interjections are weird. They feel like something someone says, not something that would be written as a note. Also, the super informal tone in the first one does not match up with the more informative tone of the second.

2. I feel like Kala is running an evil corporation. I outlined why in the specific notes. If this is what you intended, then very well done. Otherwise, consider including some parental communication.

Another, more minor thing is that the fourth paragraph in general is a little confusing. I think I maybe get it now, but I don't really know where Horseshoe Bend is, and the reference to Hawaii is odd. Is the tropical scholarship thing real? Maybe I'm just dumb.

Sorry if the comments are a little disjointed. I wrote them all as I read. They also are very conceptual without going too far into the actual writing and potential criticism of that, but honestly it's your first draft and I'm tired and Shadowed already kind of did that anyways. I hope you found this helpful, let me know what you think and if you disagree with anything I said, or if there is something you want an opinion on that I didn't mention. I always want to improve at my ability to provide constructive criticism

Spoiler

Also, post 777! How lucky!

 

Edited December 5, 2022 by Ookla the Inverted

[The Halcyon Girl]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:56 PM, Ookla the Inverted said:

Does this count as a necropost? Probably not.

I'll do the same thing Shadow did, and maybe some more general commentary.

Overall, I liked it. I think you did well on the characterization for Lise, especially. The two main criticisms I have are:

1. The interjections are weird. They feel like something someone says, not something that would be written as a note. Also, the super informal tone in the first one does not match up with the more informative tone of the second.

2. I feel like Kala is running an evil corporation. I outlined why in the specific notes. If this is what you intended, then very well done. Otherwise, consider including some parental communication.

Another, more minor thing is that the fourth paragraph in general is a little confusing. I think I maybe get it now, but I don't really know where Horseshoe Bend is, and the reference to Hawaii is odd. Is the tropical scholarship thing real? Maybe I'm just dumb.

Sorry if the comments are a little disjointed. I wrote them all as I read. They also are very conceptual without going too far into the actual writing and potential criticism of that, but honestly it's your first draft and I'm tired and Shadowed already kind of did that anyways. I hope you found this helpful, let me know what you think and if you disagree with anything I said, or if there is something you want an opinion on that I didn't mention. I always want to improve at my ability to provide constructive criticism

  Reveal hidden contents

Also, post 777! How lucky!

 

Thank you SO MUCH for this! I have a devilish tendency to write these parts to get them out of the way so I can skip to the dramatic parts. I found your comments amazingly helpful.

Spoiler

Don’t tell anyone, but I never connected Lise with the word ‘selfish’. I love that so much! I can’t EVEN—

Anyway. Yes, that’s so perfect. 

You’re very right that the tone of the comments don’t match up, and I need to find a smarter way to do those. This particular writing of mine is SUPER informal for me, but I do need to keep some consistency, so thank you for that reminder.  

Thanks for the comments on DesCrena! I needed those so badly!! She’s not a villain, but (spoilers) 

Spoiler

She is an Alleygoer.

I really should add some more parental involvement—some sort of flyer or something. That feedback was absolutely GOLDEN. 

Thanks for the suggestion about more pole vaulting clarification! You’re very right about that. 

And that’s all, really. Thanks! I’ll edit when I have time. 

 

[The Halcyon Girl]

And I’m back! Yes, double posting, but it’s been more than a day, so who cares? I’ve edited I. 6 and done some smaller stuff with the other ones, and now I have seven and eight! Yay! 

Installment 7 (woah weird it’s all fonted and all that… not complaining though)

Spoiler

Lise spent the rest of the day burying shiny rocks outside. Why?

…good question. 

She just did. 

She excavated a very large hole—maybe three feet in diameter and about two deep—and then found a round plastic bin and filled it to the brim with all the shiny rocks she had laying around her room and then finally she covered it back up.

Now she was bored again. Humbug.

She sighed and sat down right on top of the shiny rocks. Looking around, she conceded that she was lucky to live in a nice place with trees and grass and dirt rather than concrete. Neighbors were fewer around here, but close enough to yell at when they stole your tires. If only the neighbors would steal the Capelli’s tires. That would be exciting.

She’d mentioned the XXX program to her parents and got the impression that, like her, they didn’t really care. She had the go-ahead, if she wanted it, which maybe she did. Without a phone number, her main form of communication was through Gmail or Google Chats. Drafting an email was something to do, at least. Elise stood and brushed the soil off her jeans, then headed inside to the family computer lab, snagging the flyer from the counter on the way. 

The flyer was simple—a blue background and design with various emblems representing various sports such as soccer balls, baseball bats, or hockey sticks. The name of the program was emblazoned across the top, the dates and times right under that, and contact information at the bottom: 845-734-733 and [email protected]. 

Lise wasn’t mean, per se, but she did enjoy games, such as trying to fake an insane amount of interest. 

Dear Kala, 

You spoke to me earlier today about your XXX program, and I’m very interested. I think it would be a great opportunity to improve my abilities. I really enjoy pole vaulting, and I think it would be great—no, amazing—to 

Here Lise had to stop, realizing that she really didn’t know anything about this program. All DesCrena had said was something like, ‘to enhance your abilities’. Mildly surprised that she hadn’t thought to ask for more information, she continued, trying to stay vague but specific at the same time.

amazing to work with you to get better at it. I’d love to know more about when the sessions are and what it’s all about. 

—Lise

She sat back in the office chair and sighed. The email was short—she’d have liked to use more words to convey more interest, but she didn’t have it in her. Just because she liked to fake emotion didn’t mean she had to be good at it. 

Eh, whatever. She sent it and stood up to find some scratch paper to write random words on over and over.

Installment 8 

Spoiler

Hester skimmed over the paper Rtil had sent up that contained the proposed strike force—the group she was going to lead to Horseshoe bend to find this new and desperate syndicate to hire them for an old and desperate cause.

Hester L.

A. Desig 

A. Klein

A. Catnip

A. Yarrow

He’d wisely not included himself. He knew she needed somebody trustworthy to stay behind and hold down the fort, scrap pile that it was. With a sigh, she pushed her swivel chair back from her desk and stood up. We really are at the end of our rope. I never could have imagined resorting to something like this. 

She rifled through the drawers of the desks, then slipped a key out of the hollow behind the inside of the handle and rubbed the small rod between her thumb and forefinger. Then she walked over to the armchair and lifted the soft velvet cushion to reveal a small silver safe embedded under the seat.

Inside the safe she retrieved three things.

A small metal cylinder with a cap, just the right size to hold a scroll.

After all these years, the Alleygoers still use scrolls. To them, it feels more… solid. More real. And they have the added perk of just being cool.

A solid jade bracelet, large and noticeable, round but with a single hinge made of silver metal distinctly tinged with blue.

And a small, sleek, geometric, minimalistic golden sword hilt inset with jade, no blade in sight.

Perhaps it was worth it to sign that accord, she reflected. This way, I have no real reason to fear death. The law gave up on taming the Alleygoers decades ago, so I really don't have to fear them either, besides whatever Tarledon might try to do.

Hester placed all these things carefully into a canvas shoulder bag, then buckled it before heading downstairs to the tech base. “Rtil!”

He turned away from his computer. “Yeah?”

“Where are the others?”

“I don’t think you’re leaving until tomorrow.” He gestured to his screen. “There’s no room on this evening’s train.”

Oh. “I’m a little overeager,” she admitted. “I’ll just go be bored in my room, then.”

“I guess so.” Rtil turned back to the screen.

“Have you no sympathy?” She demanded. “I’m going to die of boredom and all you say is ‘I guess so’?”

He shrugged, a smile tugging at his mouth. “I guess so.”

“You’re infuriating.” She turned and stomped theatrically back to the stairwell, then headed down a level to the dorms. 

The agents mostly had their own homes, but in the weeks surrounding Election Day, most of them had moved into the building’s dorms to be closer to the center of the whirlwind. Nobody wanted to miss a crucial moment, or be brushing their teeth at home when they were needed to fix a crisis. This way, everybody knew the instant anything impactful happened. Most of them had gone back to normal life after Tarledon was elected, but a few had stayed on in the dorms.

The rooms were bare and boring like the tech lab, sporting gray concrete and bland but comfortable metal bunks. Some rooms were slightly furnished with wooden chairs, pictures on the walls, or rugs, among other things. Hester had left hers completely bare, just to prove to her agents that she wasn’t eccentric. For some reason, that had just cemented their belief, so she brought in some wallpaper and paintings, three wind chimes, a colorful comforter, a wine-colored loveseat, a vanity, a table, an armchair, a nightstand, a bookshelf, and some lamps. After that her agents always looked at her sideways. Oh well. After all, who can fathom the mind?

Hester unlocked her dorm, then entered the small space and flopped into the armchair. Maybe I should have gotten less furniture. It’s kind of cramped in here. 

With nothing to do, she pulled a book out of the shelf beside her. Plasmatine Mechanics of the Twenty-First Century. That was old—forty years out of date, published back in 2073. The book, as she knew well, was mostly ideas and inferences—theories, if you would, but not a lot of concrete facts. Back then, Plasmatine had barely been discovered as the rarest and most difficult element to pin down and utilize, but possibly the most interesting. Plasmatine had eventually been publicly abandoned, but certain scientists had continued to quietly experiment with it. The Alleygoers had found out how to use Plasmatine to make non lethal weapons to use on each other when opposite sides of a conflict both hired Alleygoers to accomplish their own respective ends. Hester was entitled to the benefits of Plasmatine too, as well as the obligation to keep it secret, since she’d signed the Alleyway Accord. Definitely worth it.

She didn’t bother to open the book. She just stared at it and debated about whether or not she should read it. On the one hand, she’d be doing something, but on the other hand, reading old books was boring. Eventually she swapped it for a book about the potential uses of uranium in deep space and read for a while. 

Eventually, there was a knock at the door. “Yes?” Hester called, setting down the book. 

“You should get some sleep,” Desig’s muffled voice informed her. “Ten hours until your train leaves.”

“Fine,” she sighed back, knowing he’d already left down the hallway. So shelving the book, she did as he suggested.