Reading Excuses_92622_ShatteredSmooth_Return_2671 words (LV)

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

Sorry I forgot to start the thread yesterday when I sent the email! 

Hi All,

Attached is the first chapter of an unplanned novel I started on a whim last week. I got very into the story and think it's going to be my NaNoWriMo project. It's adult portal fantasy but kind of inspired by / reacting to some YA tropes. I've read a lot of YA stories about teens going to faerie and having all sorts of adventures...but what happens to them when they grow up?

 Anyway, I don't have any questions this time. Whatever feedback you come up with is welcome.

Thanks!

Sara

 

Content Warning:

Language for a few swears

Violence for faeries stealing people

 

 

 

[FlowerGirl Babsk]

Near the top of the first page it says, "A couple snuggled atop a picnic table. A wanted to tell them go home, not just because the honking was annoying them," This was a little confusing, it sounds like the couple were the ones being annoyed by the honking, not A. 

A says they want the teenagers and couple to go home because it's not safe for them to be there. A says their safe because of her age, but she worries about the couples safety. Are they a younger couple or were they just referring to the teenagers? This was just a bit confusing.

A couple lines up from the bottom of page one you say, "And the las stretch of the bike trail that replaced them had only been made a couple years ago." I think you just forgot to add the T to last and wrote las instead.

I really like the contrast of the drab work focused world of earth to the art focused world of the fae that you mention in the middle of page two.

At the top of page three it says "You either don’t like talking to anyone or come with excuses not to.” This was a bit confusing to read, is A confused if whether they don't like talking to people or just comes up with excuses not to talk to them? This didn't really make sense to me.

Near the top of page four it says "A, in that mist-shrouded moment, thought weren’t glad to be safe from the fae." This doesn't make sense to me? Maybe you meant to says she wasn't glad to be safe from the fae?

Near the middle of page four it says, "where the two no-kids in hats were playing a game of tug of war with some of the teens over their friends." I'm a bit confused why they were called no-kids, did A dub them this because they said no? The story didn't mention that they said no until after this life, before it only introduced that they screamed. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to say here.

Near the top of page five it says, "All A could see of them was their hand sticking out." I think you were talking about the two kids here, but saying their hand almost makes it sound like they share a hand. I was a bit confused here.

At the top of page six it says "Ae. A glorious knight who transcended gender with xir with vibrant green hair and matching eyes, ample muscle and sharp yet delicate facial features." The xir thing confused me, I understood that it was another way to refer to Ae later in the story, but at first I wondered if it was so ritual or artifact he used to transcend gender. It was a bit unclear what xir was at first.

Near the middle of page seven you say, "Ae turned back to me A. “Is that true?" I think you meant to say he turned back to face A, the me in the sentence doesn't really make sense.

At the bottom of page seven you say “I’m Xir Ae of the Seelie Court and you may use any pronouns but she/her for me.” I'm really confused about the Xir thing. Is it a pronoun? If it is why is she using she/her instead of Xir?

Overall I really enjoyed this, the premise was really interesting. The idea of focusing on a character after their fairy tale adventure intrigues me, and it seems that it will allow her to assume a sort of mentor position over the child. Just a guess there. 

I can't wait to see where this story goes! (If you decide to share the rest of it) 

 

 

 

 

[Silk Soulcaster]

I don’t think I have much to add that isn’t in my LBLs…  I’m enjoying the premise, though I should note that I feel like this is being promised as a romance first and an adventure fantasy second (not a criticism, of course, just an observation). I do think the pacing needs to be finessed. It feels like it starts slowly—see my comments about it feeling like there is a lot of reflection—and then the encounter with the fae seems to happen almost all at once. Maybe building up the horror/danger aspect of it more in the first few pages would help with this?

I also wonder what if anything ties A to the mundane world. It really feels like they don’t have any problem at all getting pulled into a portal, which I think might be contributing to me viewing it as primarily a romance story.

As I read

I am laughing at the idea of “a goose gone wrong.” Perfection, no further comments.

“A wanted to tell them to go home…” I stumbled here, because the “honking” remark in the next clause makes me think they’re talking about the geese, which … seems unlikely? So I’m not sure who specifically A is referring to here.

P3 I’m really glad to see the dialogue here, as it feels like we’ve been deep in A’s own head for a while without an actual interaction or a clear goal from them. I don’t know, I know we’re only three pages in, but it feels like a lot of reflection so far.

“Or maybe it just doesn’t like bikes…” is this A speaking out loud to themself? I wasn’t sure how to interpret the two separate lines of dialogue.

“Maybe they weren’t teens at all…” This feels like a leap, but is also a really interesting leap for A to make. I feel more engaged now, more like we’re moving towards the inciting incident.

P3: “both bikers were wearing hats” wouldn’t they also be a good distance away by now?

Lots of one-sentence paragraphs towards the bottom of this page, they’re losing their impact.

I like the complication of Aer, but uh, where did the kids go?

 

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

32 minutes ago, Silk said:

 I’m enjoying the premise, though I should note that I feel like this is being promised as a romance first and an adventure fantasy second (not a criticism, of course, just an observation)

That is probably accurate to the story, given a whole chapter on my outline is "There is only one bed! Oh no!" There is a b plot of "We need to find the missing teens" but I think the romance might be the main thing. 

32 minutes ago, Silk said:

I also wonder what if anything ties A to the mundane world. It really feels like they don’t have any problem at all getting pulled into a portal, which I think might be contributing to me viewing it as primarily a romance story.

 

Nothing? They've been wanting to go back to faerie...but maybe they should have some tie? For more tension? 

32 minutes ago, Silk said:

I like the complication of Aer, but uh, where did the kids go?

 

hmmm so I may need to make it clearer that Ar and 1 teen got separated from the rest. And the non-romance plot is finding those kids. 

Thank you for the feedback! 

8 hours ago, FlowerGirl said:

Overall I really enjoyed this, the premise was really interesting. The idea of focusing on a character after their fairy tale adventure intrigues me, and it seems that it will allow her to assume a sort of mentor position over the child. Just a guess there. 

 

Glad to hear this! And thank you for pointing out the confusing bits. 

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by shatteredsmooth

[Silk Soulcaster]

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

That is probably accurate to the story, given a whole chapter on my outline is "There is only one bed! Oh no!"

I mean, if the impression I'm getting as a reader lines up with what you think you're going for, then I'd say you're a-okay! 

4 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Nothing? They've been wanting to go back to faerie...but maybe they should have some tie? For more tension? 

That's what I was originally thinking but... maybe not? Maybe there just needs to be more actual setup of the romance before Aer reappears so it's totally clear where the central conflict lies? 

[Mandamon Listener]

Another new story!

I have similar thought as @Silk on this one. I think it's a good start, but gets bogged down in the first couple pages with A thinking too much. I also thought there wasn't enough tension because A wants to go back to faerie. So the whole bargain at the end and the prospect of staying to look for the other kid is like, "sure let's do that."

I think some more tension here, and fleshing out the kids a little more so they're not just McGuffins to pull A back would flesh things out some more.

 

Notes while reading:

Pg 1: "there hadn’t been such a crossroads here when the park was built. "
--A little confused by this paragraph. Was there not a crossroads with the rail road? What made it a crossroad later?

pg 2: A.'s still thinking thinky thoughts about the fae. I'm hoping something will happen soon.

pg 3: “Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask to pet it.”
“Or maybe it just doesn’t like  bikes.”
--Is this A saying both of these things?

pg 7: That none of the kids have descriptions or names or anything is bothering me. Like they're just set pieces to get A to Ae.
--ok, one finally gets a name.

pg 9: Interesting concept, with a person who wants to get back to fae. There's not a whole lot on tension yet because we don't know anything about the kids, and A wants to be there. The middle section could be condensed a little.

[Minifyre Bridgeman]

Overall, I like this & the premise but feel a bit confused on a couple of aspects.

I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as if something is missing at the moment. I've seen a few Isekai (another world) shows, so I don't think it's the genre itself & abstractly, I love the idea of examining someone's return to such a place! This is conjecture, but perhaps it's the lack of impact when A returns. Yes, the plot developments are exciting (e.g., a new traveler & an old acquaintance), but the buildup from A's drab view of earth to leads me to expect something grand in the other world. Fields and castles just doesn't seem to do the place justice or live up to what I'd been expecting. (Or is that the intent? Is A viewing the fae world through rose tinted glasses?) Maybe a bit more fanfare or fantastical imagery at that moment would further drive the plot developments home[0].

More confusingly, the more I read and think about it, the more I'm confused about how time works. (This could just be me & my initial, faulty assumptions!) Fae time certainly seems to flow faster, but it's unclear if that's always the case[1]. I think some info on how old A was when they left earth and returned would make it clearer if my current conjecture on 16 earth years being approximately 300 fae years is correct. (The math passages seems to indicate that's so.) I suppose the source of my confusion is on how much earth time passed when A came back to earth[2]. Initially, I thought A was 17 when they left earth, but my current understanding is that A was 17 when they left the fae realm. (Apologies for my confusing ramblings.)

p1 las stretch last stretch
p1 Confused but intrigued about how railroads fit in (I think this is where I subconsciously though A came from an era long ago[4]).
p2 Stolen him from a year ago. I think I understand, but this sentence seems confusing to me.
p2 Did the dog have a name?
p3 Or maybe it just doesn't like bikes.

• Pronouns seem to be changing for the dog. On p2 it was he, now it's it (towards the bottom the dog is he again).
• Also, A's saying this, right? If so, shouldn't it be on the same line as the prior statement?

p3 Eyes & ears. Perhaps it's down to my unfamiliarity with the relevant tropes, but while I imagine the ears are pointy, how are the eyes different? Part of me yearns for a brief thought on the differences so I can learn more about the world.
p3 fever dream I'm personally curious what other methods A tried to establish that their time in the fae world was real and that they're not delusional[3].
p4 thought weren't glad to be thought they weren't glad to be
p4 Curious how fae food compares to the earthly variety.
p4 far to humid air far too humid air
p4 but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes passed by
the time they burst on the basketball court, remove passed?
p4 no-kids non-kids?
p5 Curious if A will confront the ones who seemed to have coerced them into the fae realm.
p5 Fields and castles Do these look like standard European castles? Or are the crops and architecture different? (My mental image seems a bit mundane for this fantastical place.)
p5 Because the kid closets to her let go. closest
p5 sneeze conjuring pollen IDK, but the wording seems a bit awkward
p6 We've not seen fae eyes, but I'm still not sure how they differ from the human variety.
p6 His fingers trailed up to the crows feet at her eyes. Pronouns seem to have shifted.
p7 I didn't realize how much time had passed her. here
p7/8 Caylee or Caliee (Perhaps the Y variant would be more distinctive from B's name?)
p9 Curious to see how the ball, A's attended before will be different now that they're an adult & what other experiences will be contrasted between the first visit, A's second visit & C's first visit as well. 
p9 Hm... the humans are named A, B, & C--clever!

[0] IDK, my analysis could be completely wrong & I know how hard it can be to strike a balance between overdoing detail at a critical moment and ending up with something too sparse. If you feel this is an actual issue with that moment, I hope you find something you're satisfied with--else, feel free to ignore this and anything else that doesn't match your vision!
[1] Seems interesting if it's not always that way.
[2] The railroad bit earlier in the story made me think A came from the 1800s or 1900s, which, while that'd be neat, I'm not sure about that and no longer think it's the case.
[3] Just a personal curiosity, but it seems like it might compliment the idea of someone returning to another place--so I've thrown it in (in case it helps).

[4] Could just be down to the fact that this part/chapter reminds me a bit of the short story The Third Level by Jack Finney.

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think some more tension here, and fleshing out the kids a little more so they're not just McGuffins to pull A back would flesh things out some more.

 

I've been toying with the idea of making A a high school teacher and having the stolen kids be their students. If A knew anything about them, they'd be easier to flesh out, and that might raise the stakes a little.

 

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think it's a good start, but gets bogged down in the first couple pages with A thinking too much

I can definitely trim that down a bit. 

3 hours ago, Minifyre said:

I know how hard it can be to strike a balance between overdoing detail at a critical moment and ending up with something too sparse. If you feel this is an actual issue with that moment, I hope you find something you're satisfied with--else, feel free to ignore this and anything else that doesn't match your vision!

It is such a hard balance, and I agree I don't quite have the right balance in this draft. 

 

3 hours ago, Minifyre said:

More confusingly, the more I read and think about it, the more I'm confused about how time works. (This could just be me & my initial, faulty assumptions!) Fae time certainly seems to flow faster, but it's unclear if that's always the case[1]. I think some info on how old A was when they left earth and returned would make it clearer if my current conjecture on 16 earth years being approximately 300 fae years is correct. (The math passages seems to indicate that's so.) I suppose the source of my confusion is on how much earth time passed when A came back to earth[2]. Initially, I thought A was 17 when they left earth, but my current understanding is that A was 17 when they left the fae realm. (Apologies for my confusing ramblings.)

 

I will definitely try to clarify this in the book, but time is pretty inconsistent between the two. So yes, 16 years passed on earth and 300 in Faerie. That is correct.

A was 17 when they went to Faerie, and technically, they were older when they left, but they didn't age while they were there. So they were in faeries for years in faerie time but only months on earth time. So legally on earth they're currently 33, but I suppose they're actually older than that if you count their faerie years. 

(I am probably overcomplicating this lol)

 

Thank you both for he feedback, @Mandamon and @Minifyre

[Mwindaji Noble-Blooded]

Sorry to get to this one so late. I’ll probably be brief, anyway.

I like the overall feel that you’ve set up with the first bit of the story, though sometimes I wonder what details are necessary. I like the details you’ve chosen to include, and they seem to drive home the gloomy feel A has in the regular world. However—and I think someone else mentioned this—there is a surprising lack of detail (for me) when they end up travelling to faerie. A seems to have been hopeful for this to happen for a long time, but all the details seem sparse once it does. I would expect they’d be clinging on to a few more details.

Overall, this chapter has me interested in the story, and I think it’s a good introduction to your world. I’m interested to read more. I’ll try to get to the other chapters you’ve submitted as soon as I reasonably can. Again, sorry for being behind, and for being so brief.

As I go:

Page 1

I like the feel you’ve established with the opening paragraph

I think the pronouns can get confusing in the second paragraph, where “them” switches in one sentence from referring to the teens, then to A, then back to the teens all in one sentence. I had to slow down and reread it.

Page 2

“A remembered when they let their mind wander back to that time” this feels awkward, like A is remembering letting their mind wander.

I like the conflict between A’s fondness for the fae and the danger and terror.

I like a lot of the detail and internal thoughts because they help me understand how A feels about the real world. However, it's starting to feel like there's not much happening besides A walking and thinking.

Page 4

“A, in that mist-shrouded moment, thought weren’t glad to be safe…” This sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe a typo somewhere?

Page 5

“closets” closest?

Page 7

If Ae isn’t involved in kidnapping the kids, it seems oddly convenient for them to land right in front of him.

Page 8

You changed the spelling of C’s name here.

[Robinski Rambleman]

I love the introduction, I can feel the thinness just from the description, and there is good atmosphere.

It seems unlikely to me there are two railroads here, but two tracks, which is not the same as a whole different railroad.

There is great emotion in this opening, and it really adds to character. Okay, Ari feels a bit miserable, and difficult to engage with, but I'm confident that will change, so it is in not way putting me off.

I don't think a record would be on repeat, although I think you could/can get turntables that do that, I think. This sounds like more of a digital thing, though.

Would they not think of the dog by its name?

I thought the scream arriving on page 4 was good timing; I was about ready for something to happen.

Ten minutes felt like a long time running to me, given that they had not been walking very long.

I got confused about the description of people dragging other people towards the veil, but also away from it. I think the blocking needs to be quite a bit clearer around there. The same applies when Ar arrives at the struggle: they are running then they just arrive with no blocking about their approach, slowing down, etc.

There is mention of a field of purple flowers then there is no description after that. I don’t get a great sense of place after they arrive.

The banishment being over exactly to the year seems very easy, and convenient for the story. I feel it almost would have been better if it had been 320 years in faerie, just not bang on the dot; OR, there had been some ofther specific sign of the end of banishment that Ari had missed.

“A jumped away from A” – this sounded weird to me, like them jumping two feet in the air: quite unnatural.

This is a good detail about the veil rejecting Ar, but I think we need to know it in the moment Ar is grabbing the kid, so we know Ar expects not to get dragged through, and that is the basis of their plan, then they go through unexpectedly. I think the whole portal thing would work better if that’s established beforehand, the banishment etc., then it becomes a twist.

The description of blue hair and blue eyes is okay, but I had an issue when the same form is repeated soon after. That really clanged for me.

There seems to be contradiction between monarchy and government. They can’t both be in ultimate charge and making the decisions, which is how it sounds. Seems to bounce between the two here.

I did not buy that Ae would go against the court to save a couple of kids, even for Ar. If Ae really is going to risk being banished, I need to be much more convinced of Ae’s investment with Ar, like they owe Ar a debt, or they were due to be married, something to justify Ae risking their future for Ar/the kids.

How is the ball dangerous? Okay, it’s the end of the chapter, but it comes from nowhere. I’m hoping to learn the nature of the danger early in the next chapter, otherwise I’m being asked to accept something based on telling, but I’m not being allowed to judge. It’s hard to accept a statement like that in the absence of evidence.

Conclusion

There’s good stuff in here, some good action, although it needs tidied up IMO. It’s a good opening, and I love a fae story (as you may recall!!), so I’m keen to read more. I’d like to be more invested in rescuing the kids. At the moment I don’t feel much for this one, and haven’t met the other one at all.

(Line-by-lines emailed.)

Thanks for sharing!

[Robinski Rambleman]

p.s.

As you'll have gathered, I'm going to try and catch up for your subs here, and they others too  

Sorry for being way late.