9/19/22_ShatteredSmooth_Hunting for a Home (About 4100 Words)

[shatteredsmooth]

Hi All,

 

I'm back with a little slice of life type story about queer werewolves buying a house. I've revised this one a few times, but I'm not quite happy with the story yet. I'm open to just about any kind of feedback, but I do have some questions.

 

1. Currently, the story is two POVs. Does that work? Or should I take out the real estate agent's POV?

2. In my early drafts, I was told it ended abruptly. Is that still the case? 

3. Overall, what is working? What isn't working?

 

Thanks!

[FlowerGirl]

Overall I really enjoyed this, the concept of werewolves searching to buy a home intrigues me. I also enjoy the little details about how the world works, like werewolves needing carpet. 

In answer to are the two POVs working. Yes, I think they work, however werewolf couple are referred to as they quite a bit. This gets confusing with S being referred to they as well.

I actually really liked the ending, the werewolf couple was searching for a house and they found it. The story was wrapped nicely and in my opinion the ending wasn't abrupt.

I really think the fantasy theme with the werewolves works really well. The small details about how they live their lives really brings the story to life.

The way the various houses were shown started to get a bit repetitive. You'd list off the traits of the house and the werewolf couple would evaluate the home. They moved a bit quickly from house to house without really doing much at the houses. I really liked the bit where the doorknob fell off the cupboard, it brought a pinch of action to the house tour.

Hope this helps, and have a great day. 

Edited September 20, 2022 by FlowerGirl

[Mandamon]

To your questions:

1) I don't mind the POVs, but the agent's one doesn't really add anything. Could it be converted over to the werewolf couples'?
2) I don't think it ends abruptly as much as there's not any tension to resolve, so it doesn't feel like anything has been overcome.
3) Here's the big one. I feel like the act of house hunting (familiar, and dare I say, boring) vastly overshadows the supernatural element (strange, and interesting). You have a world where the strange has been converted so much into the familiar (a fae real estate agent, there might be a ghost, but just get a medium) that you have a story that's "familiar and familiar" rather than "strange and familiar," and thus reads like an account of your sort of strange friends who just got a house. You care, and you listen to their story, but you don't really care...

I think for this to be more interesting, tying that they're werewolves into the conflict of the story will add a lot of tension and interest. They're not buying a house for completely mundane reasons, and even the one supernatural reason (might be a ghost) is dismissed quicker than structural issues. Having a lot of yard to play in, or wanting carpets, are not things that are unique to werewolves, so it doesn't read as anything unusual. 

 

Notes while reading:
pg 1: I feel like you sort of buried the lede on the first page. Maybe put it in the first line? Something like "house hunting sucked for werewolves." I was interested with the conflict of finding a new place, but then was thrown for a loop after reading all the cons, and oh yes, ALSO they're werewolves.

pg 2: "They were screwed if they got outbid again."
--again, I think this is missing the main interest of the story. Just being outbid on a house is boring. What if they can't get a house because the landlord thinks they smell like wet dog, or they leave fur around, or they bit someone?

pg 2: "Take their latest clients, F and L. They were werewolves who had dogs for pets."
--yeah, again, the main interest is the story is shown as ho huh, the housing market is crap. I can't even get a house for these werewolves... I feel like I'm missing something.

pg 4: I'm still sort of torn on this. House hunting is really not exciting, and in this case, being werewolves sounds like it's just adding extra conditions. It's not "strange" enough to overpower the "familiar" of house hunting.

pg 5: They're talking about rugs.

pg 6: On to another house. I'm still waiting for something to happen and we're almost halfway through a short story.

pg 9: They're discussing structural issues in a house. I feel like "werewolves" could have been replaced with "vegetarian" or "off the grid" and the story would work just as well.

pg 14: I have to admit, I started skimming toward the end. I was waiting for something to happen, but it's just two people looking for a house, and they happen to be werewolves, but they're choosing their house based mostly on mundane reasons.
 

[Minifyre]

Overall, I enjoyed the concept and the way the extraordinary and the mundane were shown (i.e., supernatural stuff & house hunting). That said, I feel there are two main issues holding the story back from its full potential: balance & tension.

Balance

• A wise person once told me the balance felt off in a story of mine and that really clicked for me & got me thinking. While reading, I felt as if there were a similar issue at play here & thus can do no better than offer the advice of another on that front
• For me personally, my favorite aspects of this tale were examining the needs of werewolves in a home & also the mention of supernatural issues (i.e., Gotta ghost? Get a medium). However, only the second house had a supernatural issue. So the only time the extraordinary seems to surface is: at the beginning when the Fae real estate agent & the werewolves are introduced. And then once more in the second house when hauntings are mentioned. [Edit: Tarot Cards were also mentioned in one of the later houses--so 4 supernatural-ish points in total]
• And as @Mandamonmentioned, the particular needs of the werewolves don't feel specific to them[0]. So for me, whenever their needs were brought up, though I liked the exploration of the issue, it felt like more mundanity--which threw off the balance. Given that I feel that where these two parts intersect is where the story really shines, I'd like to see more of these topics explored[1].

Tension

• On the first page, we're told the couple has till Monday & then on the second, we find that the real estate agent is also under the gun to make a sale before the clients' budget shrinks. But there's no real reaction to the clock ticking down other than at the end when they made it in time--it doesn't feel like there's much worry as we haven't been reacting to the passing time & they're not biting their nails while waiting for the agent's call.
• Also, the agent doesn't seem to have much of a problem. We're told they need to make the sale before their client's budget shrinks, but do they really need a good commission? Sure, more money is nice, but unless there's a specific pressure the agent's facing[[2], it feels like a bit of a flat arc.

Now, all that's just my personal take & I know that there's limited space to explore stuff in a short story. So as far as my many suggestions go, I recommend following Bruce Lee's advice: Absorb what is useful. Reject what is useless. Add what is essentially your own. Hope some of that helps!

As for your specific questions:

1. I feel the two POVs work & I enjoy them as the agent's allows us to explore the house hunting issue from another angle--plus her insight into the Kelpie friend gives us an underdeveloped glimpse into a seller's mentality. I think with a bit more tension & movement on an arc & this POV is golden.
2. I don't feel it ends too abruptly, but I think that more markers of reacting to time progression will give the current ending more weight.
3. Guess I answered that above. 

As for page-by-page thoughts:

• p2 outbid, I enjoy that this seems to mirror current market conditions.
• p2 Hindsight makes it feel that way. makes -> made
• p2 I love the exploration of issues werewolf dog owners face.
• p3 S's ancestry makes them well suited for the job.
• p6 She had a feeling & Shannon supposed she would find out. Wrong pronouns?
• p10 Dual agent ethics... I think this is generally frowned upon but can certainly work in some circumstances. Does S feel that this is one of those cases, or is this a compromise of necessity?

To wrap up & reiterate, I think this is brimming with promise & that there's room to further lean into more of the premise's strengths! Have a fantastic weekend!

[0] e.g., they don't need some sort of shelter to bunker down in during a full moon a la The Prisoner of Azkaban.
[1] e.g., supernatural status put restrictions on what kind of house they could buy--what sort of restrictions? And does this push antagonistic groups into the same neighborhoods? (i.e., Do werewolves get along with vampire neighbors due to a shared plight, or are they still at odds?)
[2] e.g., too many low commissions on first-time clients really piled up & put them behind on rent, or they need a bit more to invest in a house in this market to not miss out.
 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Minifyre
Forgot to add another point in the piece's favor!

[shatteredsmooth]

On 9/19/2022 at 10:41 PM, FlowerGirl said:

Overall I really enjoyed this, the concept of werewolves searching to buy a home intrigues me. I also enjoy the little details about how the world works, like werewolves needing carpet. 

 

Thank you for the feedback @FlowerGirl! I'm glad you enjoyed the story!!

On 9/22/2022 at 10:24 AM, Mandamon said:

I think for this to be more interesting, tying that they're werewolves into the conflict of the story will add a lot of tension and interest. They're not buying a house for completely mundane reasons, and even the one supernatural reason (might be a ghost) is dismissed quicker than structural issues. Having a lot of yard to play in, or wanting carpets, are not things that are unique to werewolves, so it doesn't read as anything unusual. 

 

 

On 9/23/2022 at 3:55 PM, Minifyre said:

• And as @Mandamonmentioned, the particular needs of the werewolves don't feel specific to them[0]. So for me, whenever their needs were brought up, though I liked the exploration of the issue, it felt like more mundanity--which threw off the balance. Given that I feel that where these two parts intersect is where the story really shines, I'd like to see more of these topics explored[1].

 

I can try to play up more supernatural elements throughout and also try to raise the stakes. Thank you for the feedback, @Mandamonand @Minifyre!