1st Draft of a bit of my Book

[Lord Gregorio]

This is a bit of the first chapter to a book I'm working on. Any advice/help is welcome. Do you understand what's going on? I'm a new (I've been writing for years though) writer and would welcome opinions from anyone.

Also. I've written quite a freaking bit on this. If anyone wants the google doc, I might put the link here. I don't think I'll end up publishing it since I'll probably be gone for 2 years soon. I'd like to share what I've done though and get some constructive criticism on my bad habits and stuff.

Spoiler

 

1

The woods were a peaceful place. Peace and danger can often mix in strange ways. Even with the danger present, some felt at peace in the woods. Nelt was one of those strange people. The danger soothed him and he sat on one of his frequent spots. The dark rock was tall, hard to climb atop. Red moss grew on the underside and trees full of green leaves protected Nelt from the sun. Nelt sat calmly, watching. The only weapon Nelt had was a pair of daggers. The daggers were made from the same metal and looked exactly the same. The Wolf Fangs they were called. Anyone sent to the wolf tribe was given the daggers, after they helped craft them. The Fangs lay to each side of Nelt, naked blade. He looked like he was meditating. The eyes of a Hunter were sharp, discerning. Wolves had better smell than nearly any other tribe.

Nelt tried his best to be serious as he watched the grass. He felt like leaping from the rock and running about. His legs felt powerful, ready to take off. He could explore everywhere, with no boundaries. Nelt could hunt the wild geteg’s, track a deer and slay a moose. Instead, Nelt took a quick breath, nose flaring and eyes widening. Smells filled him and his senses nearly overwhelmed him. The wolf soul inside Nelt’s rune helped him separate the smells. Grass, wood, bug, straw, wait straw? Nelt took another whiff. The straw smell was coming from the side. Nelt glanced to the side without moving his head. Nelt leapt from the rock as he grabbed the Fangs. He leapt again as he landed and howled with glory. The Fangs struck and Nelt felt straw on the bottom of his hands, Fangs dug hilt deep.

Straw dusted into the air and the smell became stronger. Another fake animal dead, easy. “Nelt!” A call came from a bit further in the grass. Nelt took in more scents and recognized Annete’s smell. How had he not noticed her earlier? She must have somehow increased the straw’s stench. Nelt adjusted his Fangs. He had to be ready for any test.

“What?” Nelt asked, trying to stand taller to see over the grass. Out of the wall of grass came Annete. Dark-skinned with short black hair, Annete was very good at hiding. The shadows seemed to claim her. She made Nelt a bit jealous. He couldn’t hide very well. He was always fidgeting and wanting to do something. Why sit around when you could act? Annete approached breathing a bit heavily, but smiling. 

“You barely gave me any time to back away, Nelt,” Annete said, “Who taught you patience?”

Nelt sighed, “Everyone seems to say a lot about it, but no one seems to have enough of it themselves to teach me.”

“Annete smiled, “A wolf must be patient, because acting at the wrong time could be bad. You need to learn this, Nelt. It may save you from being a failure.”

“But, the stories of the wolves. They were magnificent animals who ran down creatures,” Nelt said.

“All the predators had to learn to be patient, even the wolves,” Annete said.

“Of course, Annete,” Nelt nodded in respect. Did they really think it was possible for Nelt to fail? Why all the tests? He wouldn’t fail. He would be the best Hunter since Alpha Clazim. He would keep The Balance as a Lone. Nelt had been fast enough to catch Annete off guard and he was only fourteen. Imagine what he would be able to do when he was older. Nelt would make Father proud, Father would have to acknowledge him as a great Hunter then. Nelt frowned, Father won’t ever find out how good a Hunter I am. Nelt felt a bit of emotion rising, but he pushed it away.

“Nelt, what are you thinking about?” Annete asked.

“Not much. I’m trying to be patient,” Nelt said. He had subconsciously started following Annete. They had done this hundreds of times since he was ten. They always walked East. Always back toward The Pack. Nelt longed for the time when he could take another direction, he knew it would come soon. Nelt was growing. It frustrated him that Annete was the same height as him. Shouldn’t he be taller? Boys grew quickly, and they got beards eventually. Nelt felt his chin. He could have sworn just yesterday he had felt his beard growing in. When Nelt had mentioned it to Selan she had laughed. ‘The only hair you’re growing is that crazy mop on your head,’ Selan had said. Nelt’s brown hair was how he liked it. It camouflaged him. If he was supposed to be patient, he would need to be as unseeable as possible.

Annete raised an eyebrow at Nelt. She always did that. “Nelt,” Annete said, “I’m your teacher. I think I know when you are deep in thought.”

“I just. I…” Nelt’s frown deepened and he looked away, “I don’t know if I’m ready to go out on my own.”

Annete got a somber look on her face. She put a hand on Nelt’s shoulder. “It’ll be hard, Nelt. The Runes choose our paths. I have mine, and now you have yours. At least you know what you’ll be doing. You can be prepared for the future. Think of the thrill of hunting alone. Not relying on others to hunt for you or waiting for others to slow you down.”

Nelt smiled, but underneath he felt worse, “Ya. I can’t wait to experience the wild. I am excited. Just nervous.”

“You’ll do just fine, Nelt. Now let’s get back, we’ve got a ceremony to go to,” Annete quickened their pace.

EDIT #1

That’s right! Selan is of age, a Rune will choose her tonight! Nelt felt a bit of excitement until he habitually touched his Rune. It had healed most of the way, but the marking on his head made him shiver. The brand had been so hot. Nelt could remember the heat making him sweat, and then the searing pain, and soon after a jolt of energy and strength. Nelt hadn’t been scared, the metal had just been so hot! The Rune was long since healed, but Nelt didn’t think he could ever forget the memory of it being made a part of him. The rune read Lone Howler. Nelt was destined to travel. He was meant to get a small territory and cover it. The small armpits where Packs didn’t care to hunt. Well Nelt would find the best armpit, with the most deer. He frowned again. Even if Selan became a Lone Howler he and her couldn’t spend much time together as they had as children. Their days of hunting rabbits together would be over.

Nelt was destined to explore or to have adventures. Alone. Sure he’d be able to travel as quickly as he wanted, but who would he talk to? Himself? God? Soon Nelt could hear the sound of people. The tops of the huts came into view and the tall grass shortened till it disappeared and became a well trodden clearing. The Den was crowded with people, more than Nelt had ever seen. The sun shone on a Den with more movement than Nelt had ever known. Where did all these people come from? Are there really that many Hunters out there? Nelt nearly stopped with his jaw dropped, but Annete pulled him forward. “Come on,” She whispered, “We must be early.” 

The main path to the center of the Den was harder to navigate than it had ever been. Darn, Nelt thought, this is more difficult than navigating The North Forest. Not that Nelt had ever been in The North Forest, but it seemed right to say. That’s where I’ll go first. I’ll find a territory at The North Forest, Nelt decided. In the middle of the Den was a large circle that had been dug around a foot deep. There was a stone wall set around the circumference of the circle around two feet high. People sat or stood around the perimeter of the circle. There were already plenty of people waiting, though the brands were not hot and Jesiv had not arrived. Jesiv would heat the runes and be the spokesman of the Runes. 

As Nelt and Annete waited, the sun lowered. Eventually Jesiv arrived and began to light the Rune Pits. The Rune Pits were the campfires set around the outside of the circle, each with one rune. There were a total of eight big Rune Pits. Each rune pit had two smaller pits at their sides, totalling at twenty-four pits.

They were the same Rune symbols as the big one they sat by, but slightly different. The Wolf Runes in front of Nelt were the Lone Wolf, the Pack Wolf and a Wolf Den Hunter. The fire from the pits roared as Jesiv went in a slow circle. The Gata tree sap in the pits would burn for hours if needed. Sometimes the Runes took a while to settle on which Rune would become the child’s destiny. I sure hope she’s at least a Wolf, then maybe we could be more of friends if we happen to see each other, Nelt thought. As the fires lit the Rune Circle, people started shuffling restlessly. It wouldn’t be long.

Across from Nelt, Selan entered the circle. There was a path where people were not allowed to stand, leading to the Preparation Hut. She wore the traditional women’s runeing clothes. Plain brown and green, symbolizing neutrality to the Runes. “The colors show that the wearer is willing to accept whichever destiny is theirs,” Annete whispered. Nelt rolled his eyes. As if he hadn’t heard that before. He leaned closer, almost over the wall. It was said it was disrespectful to interrupt, so Nelt made sure not to lean too far over. Would it affect what role she’s chosen to, Nelt thought. He shook himself. No. He’d be even more of an outcast if he tried that. He was already destined to be alone, it would be best to work toward being admired, instead of shunned. 

The fires crackled. The brands glowed with a red-blue glow, close to purple. “Why is it purple?” Nelt whispered to Annete.

“The magic from the Runes and the flames meld together. Creating the color,” Annete said. Selan stood in the middle. Jesiv stood just in front of her. Selan scanned the crowd and met Nelt’s eyes with a sad smile. Nelt smiled back and gave a nod. It seemed the right thing to do. Maybe it would make Nelt look manly. Selan turned to Jesiv. Jesiv began to speak, “For hundreds of years, us humans have been responsible for the balance of life itself. God has made it so. The Runes are his gifts. We now represent the animals that once roamed Trem. Those Great Predators that kept the Balance better than we do. The Runes will choose today the path of this young woman. May her path keep the Cycle balanced and may it benefit all of Trem,” Jesiv took a fist of dust from a pouch and sprinkled it on Selan. 

“Sacred dust from ground where predators walked,” whispered Annete.

Jesiv then walked to each Rune Pit and sprinkled a bit of dust in. The flames shifted from purple to blue. Jesiv returned to Selan, picking up a bowl. He spoke, “Water from the Sacred Springs.” Selan tipped her eyes to the sky and Jesiv sprinkled the water on her forehead. I wonder if that water protects us from the burning. I thought the brand would have killed me, Nelt thought.

Jesiv went to each flame, sprinkling the water. The flames roared and animal sounds seemed to come from each pit. Nelt nearly stepped back in shock. “Annete what was that?” He said. Annete hushed him. Selan’s eyes were closed. Did I close my eyes like that? I don’t remember the animal noises, Nelt thought, I do remember a presence. Something… Suddenly something entered Nelt’s head and blackness rushed in his vision, nearly making him fall over. Nelt felt a bit of a headache grow. Someone steadied Nelt and his vision returned. There was something in his head. 

Hello? Nelt thought.

Yes, Something answered. Nelt held a gasp, then glanced at Annete. She watched Selan and held Nelt’s shoulder. She didn’t seem scared, so Nelt wouldn’t be either. 

Who are you, Nelt thought, why are you in my head?

I am Gilliam, a wolf, The Presence, Gilliam said back, inside Nelt’s head, and I shouldn’t be here. 

Then why are you here? Has God sent you? Nelt thought.

I don’t know. Did you summon me from The Forests somehow? Gilliam said.

The forests? I thought you were dead? Nelt thought. I’m going crazy, aren't I.

I’m pretty sure I’m real. I don’t feel like part of a person’s madness, nor loneliness. Just…hold on, Gilliam said. The Presence left Nelt’s head. Nelt nearly passed out again and Annete steadied him, a concerned look in her eyes. Nelt shrugged off her hand and stood up a little straighter. What in Trem? Nelt thought. Annete gave him a questioning look, but Nelt ignored her and tried to focus on the ceremony. Jesiv was leaving the circle. 

As soon as Jesiv left a wind blew across the Rune Circle. Nelt didn’t remember that either. Selan’s eyes were still closed. Is she passed out? Nelt wondered, How is she still standing? Nelt rubbed his forehead, Man that kinda hurt. The wind blew and the fire waved. All but one of the Rune Pits lost their fire. Nelt tried to see which pit it was, but he couldn’t see the mark on the rune brand. Nelt leaned to Annete, “What is it? Which rune?”

It’s not the Wolf Rune. That one’s right in front of me, Nelt thought. He felt a little sad, but he had guessed she wouldn’t get the same. Where did that Presence in my head go? “It’s the Hyena Rune.” 

“Hyena…” Nelt said to himself. It was the smaller Pit to the right of the bigger Pit. Which is that? The Hyena Clan or Lone Hyena? Nelt couldn’t remember. He found himself taking a closer look at Selan. What’s wrong with her? Did Jesiv tell her to keep her eyes closed? he thought. The people outside the circle seemed calm. They had watched this happen many times more than Nelt had. Maybe Annete would know why the Presence had come into his head. Did it happen to everyone their first time watching? Jesiv entered, walking to the pit that had chosen Selan.

Nelt felt bile rise into his throat. I can’t watch Jesiv do this to Selan, He thought. Nelt started to turn away, but Annete stopped him. “It’s disrespectful to turn away, Nelt. God would have you watching,” Annete said. Nelt kept his eyes on Selan’s forehead. The brand rose and pressed to Selan’s tan skin. Nelt thought he saw her wince, but it was hard to tell. Nelt felt his own eyes close and another flash of near unconsciousness hit him. He thought he could feel the pain that Selan felt. He felt sorry for her, but he knew God wanted it. 

Selan realeased a loud gasp, and Nelt’s eyes snapped open. He felt his forehead, remembering a day a year ago when he had felt the rune brand burning. Jesiv pulled the brand away and put it back in the pit. Selan fell forward, but Jesiv grabbed her from behind and steadied her. Selev’s eyes opened and she gasped.

“The runes have chosen, and God is pleased,” Jesiv said to the crowd, “may she help preserve the Cycle.” People around the circle smiled and nodded, murmuring ‘Preserve the Cycle’ and ‘God watches over us’. Nelt took a look around. People were watching intently, was there something else? It didn’t seem like it. Jesiv was leaving the Circle and Selan was taking deep breaths. Nelt turned to talk to Annete, but a sudden light burst from Selan and he jumped.

The green light came from Selan’s eyes. She stood straight, looking at nothing and no one in particular. She began to speak, “My people, my Hunters. The Cycle is beginning to become unbalanced. Your work is not yet done. We need more Hunters. Send out the young ones earlier. We need more Hunters. The age must be lowered to keep the balance. The Cycle must be kept.” The glow faded and Selan looked around the Circle and winced as she felt her forehead. The fire in the Hyena Pit went out. 

Nelt turned to Annete, “What was that all about?”

 

Edited April 12, 2023 by Lord Gregorio
Editing the edit

[Immortal Platypus]

Now, I'm no writer and this doesn't apply this early, but I personally love to introduce new characters and either have them leave soon after people start getting attached, or kill them off right after people get used to them. I'm starting a short story and I'm going to kill of the main character.

[Lord Gregorio]

4 minutes ago, ImportantQuestions said:

Now, I'm no writer and this doesn't apply this early, but I personally love to introduce new characters and either have them leave soon after people start getting attached, or kill them off right after people get used to them. I'm starting a short story and I'm going to kill of the main character.

 Lol. I've nearly done that a couple times with some of the books I've done. This story is not going to do that, I don't think. My character in this book heads out on his own. Maybe I'll add a little to this just to add a bit more of a preview, but because I plan on publishing this eventually I don't think I'll add all of it. It might break some people's hearts though, once I get it right.

[Lord Gregorio]

14 hours ago, FranktheTalkingAxe said:

hey @Gregorio.

You owe me a boxing for this.

I get what this is saying. I understand the story. But there's no describing details. What does the forest look like?

... nah it's just trees....

I'd like a little more detail but I love Nelt's character so far and dialogue is great. I'd love to discuss it with you more over poisoned tea at Wax's house, if you're down for it.

Or over some nice steamed crem...

Or.. over some chicken I bought for five bucks at BK...

Aight. I don't have a boxing, sorry. But here's some rep. Thanks for the help. I appreciate any you can give. I'll definitely try to refine the details a bit eventually.

Edited February 15, 2023 by Gregorio

[Kajsa]

This is pretty good so far! Here's what I understand:

14 year old Nelt (love the name by the way, super creative and such a mood) is learning to be a Hunter, and Annete is his teacher. He belongs to the Wolf tribe, who have advanced senses of smell. He enjoys being in the forest that others consider dangerous, but he finds it a good place to rest. He possesses special daggers called Fangs that match exactly, down to the metal they're made of. He and Anette have a familiar relationship and have known each other for about four years.

Questions I have that could be answered in the text:

-Is he a form of werewolf?

-What is a Rune, and how does it relate to their destinies/paths in life?

-How old is Annete? Is she just his teacher? A friend? A love interest? I'd like to see their relationship a bit more clearly.

-What does the forest look like? What makes it so dangerous? What do the trees look like--bare or not? What's the weather? You could probably hint at a lot of this in a few compound or complex sentences, and I think it would engage the reader a bit more. 

-What do the Fangs look like? Are they curved?

-Nelt thinks about how his dad won't ever see how great of a Hunter he'll become. Did his father pass away? If so, I think that could be a bit clearer.

 

A few other areas for improvement that I noticed mostly had to do with consistency (also redundancy) and punctuation. I noticed that you had a lot of simple sentences that could be swiftly reworked into more complex sentences. That might grasp the reader's attention better than having lots of smaller ones.

There were also a few instances of comma and apostrophe misuse, and you used Nelt's and Annete's names a lot when they could have been subbed in for pronouns. I think those are the only grammatical errors I saw.

 

Overall, especially for a first draft, this is very good! I'm really intrigued about this world and excited to know more. I'm already wondering about what adventures Nelt goes on and other characters he'll meet! The only pressing issues are grammatical, as most of my questions can be (and probably are) explained later on in the novel. I hope this feedback helps, and I hope to see more of Nelt and Annete in the future! Awesome work, Lord Gregorio. :high-five:

[Lord Gregorio]

2 hours ago, Kajsa said:

This is pretty good so far! Here's what I understand:

14 year old Nelt (love the name by the way, super creative and such a mood) is learning to be a Hunter, and Annete is his teacher. He belongs to the Wolf tribe, who have advanced senses of smell. He enjoys being in the forest that others consider dangerous, but he finds it a good place to rest. He possesses special daggers called Fangs that match exactly, down to the metal they're made of. He and Anette have a familiar relationship and have known each other for about four years.

Questions I have that could be answered in the text:

-Is he a form of werewolf?

-What is a Rune, and how does it relate to their destinies/paths in life?

-How old is Annete? Is she just his teacher? A friend? A love interest? I'd like to see their relationship a bit more clearly.

-What does the forest look like? What makes it so dangerous? What do the trees look like--bare or not? What's the weather? You could probably hint at a lot of this in a few compound or complex sentences, and I think it would engage the reader a bit more. 

-What do the Fangs look like? Are they curved?

-Nelt thinks about how his dad won't ever see how great of a Hunter he'll become. Did his father pass away? If so, I think that could be a bit clearer.

 

A few other areas for improvement that I noticed mostly had to do with consistency (also redundancy) and punctuation. I noticed that you had a lot of simple sentences that could be swiftly reworked into more complex sentences. That might grasp the reader's attention better than having lots of smaller ones.

There were also a few instances of comma and apostrophe misuse, and you used Nelt's and Annete's names a lot when they could have been subbed in for pronouns. I think those are the only grammatical errors I saw.

 

Overall, especially for a first draft, this is very good! I'm really intrigued about this world and excited to know more. I'm already wondering about what adventures Nelt goes on and other characters he'll meet! The only pressing issues are grammatical, as most of my questions can be (and probably are) explained later on in the novel. I hope this feedback helps, and I hope to see more of Nelt and Annete in the future! Awesome work, Lord Gregorio. :high-five:

Eyo thanks! There's a bit more to the story. Maybe I'll keep adding to it. I've got quite a bit on it but it's a bit dry. Definitely needs some edits later.