The Night's Broken Daughter

[S. Stormy]

I started this story, based on the title I thought of. It's a bit random, and I just liked the idea and started writing. The bolded parts are parts I need to figure out. But yeah, this is my story so far.

Prologue: Scars

Spoiler

     

She was born with a scar that sealed her fate.

The mother, Lavlin, held her new child, love in her eyes. The girl’s father stayed close, watching the scene unfold. He was wary, suspicious, of the town they were in. But the unexpected and unstoppable love he felt overcame the fear. And the two parents did their best to ignore the disfigurement on their baby girl’s face.

But Lavlin couldn’t. Questions danced and twisted in her mind, creeping into places they didn’t belong.

How did this happen? What has happened to my daughter?!

And, worst of all…

How will I hide her from the Broken Ones?

Because the villagers would see her.

She’s broken, they would say.

She must be taken, they would say.

You know what the decree declares, they would say.

Lavlin was terrified of that.

* * *

Soon, the villagers arrived to see the new baby. And when they saw her face, her mysterious scar, they began moaning softly. 

“Please,” Lavlin begged, her words tumbling out in a panic. “Please. Spare her from them, she can live with us, she doesn’t need to be taken.”

The villagers nodded. They… agreed? Lavlin felt her moment of panic and fear subside, and she relaxed, feeling worn out by the sudden spike in terror. She could trust the villagers to tell the truth.

It’s okay, she reassured herself. She’ll be okay.

Everything was fine. She was sure of it.

And Lavlin had placed her trust in the wrong place. Because one villager had lied. Because the Broken Ones were coming.

 

It was a common enough occurrence, to see a Broken One. If one could call it seeing. They were the shimmers of a hot day, formed into shapes of anything. Of children, of housecats, of stuff. They looked harmless.

 

Seeing one was common enough, they said. But feeling one. That was unheard of. 

Why? the children would ask. And the parents would answer.

Because if you felt one touch you, you were taken.

Taken where? the children would ask. And the parents would respond, fear in their voices. 

We don’t know.

The children knew this was different from the idle warnings, the spooky tales about the pit near the town, or the river running through it. Those tales had embellishments, flourishes to terrify the children away from the danger.

 

But the tales of the Broken Ones were told as fact, as simple, straight truth. And they were all the more terrifying for it. The Broken Ones served the Day. The Broken Ones took the children with the mysteries. That was what the tales said.

 

For a long time, everyone had wondered what the mysteries were. Then she had been born. And the questions had stopped. Because everyone knew, somehow, that this child was condemned.

And so, eventually, after three years of debate, one villager, too cowardly to lie to the Broken Ones, took a glintknife to her upper arm and flicked the blood on the scarred child, summoning the Ones and setting off the Alarm. 

And so, on that dark night, the baby was taken.

And so, on that dark night, she was taken.

 

But the Dark Night watched. She lived. Nobody knew of Her secret thoughts. Nobody but Herself. She had long hated the Day, for the humans praised him, loved him, lifted him high above Her. And She watched the young girl being taken, and when the pain and the injustice tipped Her over the brink, She struck. She whirled around and Her blurring speed made the Ones falter. They stared around, trying to understand what it was that was stirring the air around them. They dropped the baby girl. And the Night reached down and caught the girl in Her dark, inky arms. She took her to Her forest, Her domain, where nobody but the most foolhardy and the most desperate came.

 

This is the story of the Night. And this is the story of the Night’s Broken Daughter.

Chapter 1: Hurt

Spoiler

     Nya had always felt a sense of… of wrongness.

Of feeling that something was off somehow.

She knew, of course, that people weren’t normally raised by the nebulous figure of darkness and shadow. Her childhood had certainly been a strange one. Her mother… her whatever-she-was… was the only person she had ever known, really. The only one in her memory. She knew that she had human parents, but she had nothing concrete of them. Nothing but a feeling of love, understanding, and warmth. It was odd, considering what her parents had done…

When Nya had been rescued from her parents by her Night, the Night had somehow fed her. Her Night had kept it quiet, how Nya had survived. And Nya often wondered. But whenever she asked, her Night would stop swirling about in her usual way. She’d shrink away, then change the subject.

Despite all this, Nya’s Night loved her. She knew it by the way She’d swirl about her as she fell asleep, soothing her shivers and silencing her worries.

But tonight, she wasn’t sleeping. Tonight she was exploring. Her Night knew, of courseーone couldn’t exactly hide from Her during the non-daylight hours. She wandered through the forest, and she had decided thatーfor onceーshe’d stick to the areas around her clearing.

But Nya rarely stuck to her decisions.

She heard something. A… voice. Yelling. A voice. She had never heard any human voice other than her own.

But there it was. The voice was so… different than her own. So oddly unfamiliar that she nearly missed the fact that it was screaming for help.

Nearly.

When the words the person was yelling finally penetrated her consciousness, she hurried to go help. Her Night cleared her a path through the dense underbrush. Fortunately for both Nya and the personーthe human! another human!ーthey weren’t far apart. So Nya got there swiftly.

And she found someone hauntingly familiar. Nya didn’t know what she looked like. How would she?

But somehow, somehow, he looked… right. The way he was supposed to look. Seeing another human made her think. What did she look like? She knew she had blonde hair, but that was all. Strange that she would know someone else’s face before her own.

“Um, hello?” the boy said. “Why are you staring at me? I didn’t think I was that handsome, but I mean…” he trailed off, then continued in a stage whisper, “...but you’re staring at me and you’re still staring at me and I don’t know why else you’d be staring at me.” He paused. "Who... who are you?"

"Nya." 

She didn't see a need to say anything else, so she didn't.

"Well, could you help me? It's pitch-black here, and I can barely see anything. Good thing you leaned so close before saying something, or I would have jumped out of my skin." He certainly talked a lot. And he couldn't see the forest around them. 

I guess I can see better than most normal people, Nya thought. Made sense-- she had, after all, been raised by darkness. But she had to figure out how to help him. She could light a fire. She knew how, for cold days when her Night couldn't wrap her in its essence.

No. Don't.

    What was that? Was it her Night? 

I can't do anything else, Nya thought to herself. If I lead him back in the dark, he won't know the way back next time he gets lost. And he'll be constantly tripping over things.

      "Are you going to help me? Because if not, I don't see the purpose of coming to get me... I mean, it was a new experience to have a girl stare at me, it's never happened to me before, that's for sure. Always fun to have a new experience, unless of course it's a bad one..." 

    The boy seemed to have decided that since she hadn't said anything in his own language, she must not speak it and he could say anything he wanted.. He continued to ramble about nothing in particular, and she suspected that he spoke to comfort himself from the dark forest. She stopped her musings, then stooped down and gathered sticks. Starting a fire was an arduous process at best. Fortunately, she was fairly practiced at it. So within the space of a time, she had made a fire. She carefully took a branch and thrust it into the heart of the fire, kicked sand over the small flame, stamped it a few times, then turned to the boy holding her makeshift torch. He gasped, then tried to cover his shock. Nya frowned as he stared, then seemingly unconsciously ran his hand over his face, diagonally from his hairline to his chin. Nya copied him, feeling the scar that ran down diagonally. As she did so, she felt... something building in her mind. A pressure. And something painful. 

     A scream. 

MY DAUGHTER!!

The voice hurt her. She shoved the torch into the boy's hands, pointing towards the village. Once she was bereft of the torch, she fell to her knees, pressing her hands to her ears.

YOU HAVE HURT ME. YOU HAVE MADE LIGHT IN MY TERRITORY. YOU HAVE RUINED ME. MY INFLUENCE IS GONE HERE. YOU HAVE BROKEN ME.

I'm sorry, Nya thought. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know...

What can I do to save you? To amend for the wrong I have done?

Nya felt the Night's hurt turning to rage. Her voice spoke in Nya’s mind, no longer screaming. Soft. Sinister.

They say that darkness is not so real as light. Prove them wrong. 

Take an Inktorch. 

And break the Day.

 

Edited March 17, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed
edits

[RonRothJr]

Very interesting concept. Night personified, acting to save a child and raise it in darkness. The Broken Ones seem interesting and I'm curious how the story will progress.

The first sentence is clearly the hook and other elements of the story make it compelling to read on. Obviously, it's very early draft, but I wouldn't worry about nitpicking the text just yet, so I won't. You could keep writing and I have a few recommendations going forward.

Try to pick a POV, you can go back and fix these 2 chapters later (prologues are dead, just call your prologue chapter 1). Narrate third person limited or third person omniscient, but understand that head hopping is a very specific talent and until you've mastered it, you might want to stay with either 1st person or go with 3rd person. Use all your tools to provide clues as to your character's states of mind through action, dialogue, and description, instead of simply telling us what's in your MC's head.

Try to form paragraphs with a purpose, but if it gets in the way of your process, just do what you're doing. What's important now is to get the story out. 

If you have time, it might be nice to make notes about the character's traits, problems, desires, etc. You might try to sum up your themes, plot, and the basic story beats to cover your basic plot structure, that is, unless you're a pantser and prefer to just go with it.

Good luck!

Oh, and if you want regular critiques from other writers doing the same thing, you might want to join my writers circle on my Discord server. Message me if you're interested.

[S. Stormy]

On 9/13/2022 at 2:33 PM, RonRothJr said:

Narrate third person limited or third person omniscient, but understand that head hopping is a very specific talent and until you've mastered it, you might want to stay with either 1st person or go with 3rd person.

(ignore me responding to this two months later... )

I wasn't exactly intending to do head-hopping, I was doing a more mystical-sounding omniscient narrator for the prologue. I'm keeping it Nya's third-person limited PoV from now on.

On 9/13/2022 at 2:33 PM, RonRothJr said:

(prologues are dead, just call your prologue chapter 1).

I'm not entirely sure I agree... I mean, this fandom follows an author who very regularly uses prologues to great effect, in my opinion...

[S. Stormy]

New beginning of chapter: (you'll have to reread the previous things, I added an important plot point.)

Spoiler

Nya felt her eyes widen, shock stabbing her like a knife. 

“Break the Day? I can’t…”

You know what you did. You asked how you could atone. And I am telling you. Do it, Nya. You hurt me. And I need this.

“I… ”

Break the Day. It sounds… wrong.

But… But I hurt Her.

“...I will, Mother. What is the Inktorch?”

Torches bring light wherever they go. It is only natural that there should be a version for darkness. This is an Inktorch. 

Nya felt herself being jerked away violently, and suddenly she was in the clearing she called home, the dark figure of the Night standing there, watching her. The figure reached up and broke a branch off a dead tree, sending splinters flying. She placed Her hand behind Her backーalthough She didn’t seem to be grabbing something from behind Her so much as out of Her. It was a chunk of glossy black rock. She also held a purplc chunk of crystal, and She struck them together. Darkness flew from the two stones the same way… the same way sparks flew from flint and steel. Nya shied back, fear and fascination warring inside her. The Night somehow held the branch in Her essence, striking the two stones at the dry moss until the darkness spread. Nya couldn’t see details of the fire, it being too dark to see the details of the Inkfire. In fact… it had gotten darker in the clearing since She had lit the dark fire. Nya reached out, feeling the torch, and She relented, letting Nya hold it. It was a deep purple or blue where it wasn’t black. Nya took a deep breath. She hated this task. 

But she owed it to her Night, who had raised her. And she had hurt her.

“Where do I go to find the Day?”

The Night had no clear form, more of an outline than a distinct figure. But Nya could somehow feel her smile.

It is in...

Author's Note:

And there we are! I don't know where the Day is. Any ideas?

 

Edited November 17, 2022 by Shallan Stormblessed

[Procrastination]

Maybe the Sunrealm?

(yes I know I’m so very original thank you)

[S. Stormy]

On 11/13/2022 at 6:09 PM, rosharian_cat said:

Maybe the Sunrealm?

(yes I know I’m so very original thank you)

I was thinking more of a location like the forest for the Night. But I like that name, it has a nice ring to it!

[S. Stormy]

Yeah, I'm double posting. But I've done a bunch more on this story.

 

Chapter Two: Knock

Spoiler

Nya felt her eyes widen, shock stabbing her like a knife. 

“Break the Day? I can’t…”

You know what you did. You asked how you could atone. And I am telling you. Do it, Nya. You hurt me. And I need this.

“I… ”

Break the Day. It sounds… wrong.

But… But I hurt Her.

“...I will, Mother. What is the Inktorch?”

Torches bring light wherever they go. It is only natural that there should be a version for darkness. This is an Inktorch. 

Nya felt herself being jerked away violently, and suddenly she was in the clearing she called home, the dark figure of the Night standing there, watching her. The figure reached up and broke a branch off a dead tree, sending splinters flying. She placed Her hand behind Her backーalthough She didn’t seem to be grabbing something from behind Her so much as out of Her. It was a chunk of glossy black rock. She also held a purplc chunk of crystal, and She struck them together. Darkness flew from the two stones the same way… the same way sparks flew from flint and steel. Nya shied back, fear and fascination warring inside her.  The Night somehow held the branch in Her essence, striking the two stones at the dry moss until the darkness spread. Nya couldn’t see details of the fire, it being too dark. In fact… it had gotten darker in the clearing since She had lit the dark fire. Nya reached out, feeling the torch, and She relented, letting Nya hold it. It was a deep purple or blue where it wasn’t black. Nya took a deep breath. She didn’t want to leave her Night.  

But she owed it to her Night, who had raised her. And she had hurt her. And her Night wouldn’t be able to love her until she did this.

“Where do I go to find the Day?”

The Night had no clear form, more of an outline than a distinct figure. But Nya could somehow feel her smile.

It is in a meadow guarded by the Ones. That is all I know. To find them, you must ask someone in the village.

“The… village?” Nya asked, her eyebrows raised. Her Night had always warned her away from the village… and now, she was telling her to go? “You sure?”

Yes, Nya. Trust me. Go to the village, if you desire to have any success for me.

Nya nodded shakily, trying not to show the fear she felt.

Leave the forest? Now? But... I don't... I've never...

"I will, Mother," she said. 

She felt a distinct sense of satisfaction from the Night.

* * *

Nya stepped out of the forest shakily, peering out at the village ahead, a dark blotch farther away than she would have liked. She sighed.  Guess I'd better get going, then, she thought, feeling scared. Nya took a few steps along the dusty path, trying to convince herself her legs weren’t shaking. She trudged along the path, walking. And walking.

And then walking some more.

The path seemed to go on forever, but as time passed, she realized she wasn't actually really looking forward to getting to the town.  The garish sun beat down on her, nearly blinding. It wasn’t that she had never seen sunlight. But she’d never been so… surrounded by it. She was nearly drowning in it.

What would she find at the town?

Would she find the boy she'd met before? She'd see... so many people. Person after person. Her mind struggled to comprehend it. So strange. 

Nya knew that her situation was a unique one, but she’d never thought what a normal life was like. 

Is it right that I lived this way? Is it right that I was raised by darkness?

She wore clothes that seemed too real. So thick and constricting, but warm too. It was an odd feeling. She'd never been able to be warm so easily during the day. Usually she had to work for it, building a fire or huddling among the branches of a tree, frantically rubbing her arms and legs. 

But now she wore human’s clothes, thicker and warmer than the leaves she usually used. Her Night had stolen them. 

You don't know that. Don't jump to conclusions.

But if not, where had she gotten them? 

I can't know. So I can't condemn her. She loves me. She's my mother.

Was that where she'd gotten her food all these years? From… from people? People like the boy she’d met? 

She walked, her mind whirling with accusations of her mother. And of herself. This was... for me. I can't blame her when it was all for me. 

*     *     *

After several miles of walking, she finally came to the town. 

It was… beautiful. Not in the way she had expected. Not wonderful works made by human hands.

Beautiful because of the people. There were so many, and they all… talked. One was laughing at something another had said. Another was carrying cloth for the other.

Such kindness. And… friendship like she had never seen. People, offering their time and their love to each other like it was nothing. 

Nya watched all this, and found herself feeling her lack.

She had always known that her life was bereft of many things. But she had never felt it so deeply as that moment. Watching the human interaction she’d never known.

And, for the first time in her teenaged life, Nya found herself crying. 

All her life, she’d lived her life not feeling what she’d been missing. Someone who had been blind all their life knew nothing of the wonder of a bright color, but someone who had been struck with blindness longed for the sight of their spouse’s face. If the former had caught a glimpse of the beauty of sight for the first time, they might mourn for what they’d missed all their life, having never known what it was to see. But the latter longed forever.

 

And she wept for the first time. To love is to feel pain, and the only thing that she’d been loved by and that she loved was her Night. And the Night could never leave her.

 

And so she’d never felt any deep, lasting pain.

Until today. She saw a community that was kind. That was loving. And she longed for it. 

Find the Inkheart. Break the Day. And you will be loved again, Nya. That’s what you need.

Nya closed her eyes, steeling herself. You hurt her. She deserves your help. So stop shaking and do it, silly girl. 

She was in the shadow of a tree, and nobody had spotted her yet. 

So she stepped up to the door of one of the random houses, trying vainly to ignore the confused and judgemental gazes she received.

And she knocked.

Chapter Three: Don't

Spoiler

The Night huddled, a pool of darkness in the shadow of the day. Light didn’t break Her, but it didn’t help Her either. She was… tired. Her shout to Her daughter had sapped her strength, and the brightness of the sun nearly burned Her. 

The sun. The Day. What a stupid thing. She imagined what things would be when Her daughter completed her quest. The world would be so much softer. Gentler, without the bright, harsh light of the burning sun. Darkness would…

would… reign. And…

…and…

 

 

Without sun…

 

 

 

 

 

Without day…

 

 

 

 

No, the world doesn’t need the day. 

 

 

 

 

Without day…

 

 

 

Without day, there was no night. 

Without day, there was no light. No warmth. 

 

I’m a fool. A proud, arrogant, fool.

 

Without the Day, the world would freeze and starve and die.

Nya! Stop… Don’t…

It’s wrong. Don’t end the world. Please.

But it wasn’t enough. Her rage-filled screams before had wasted her strength, and she couldn't reach Nya. 

She couldn't reach her.

 

Edited March 1, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed

[Cinnamon]

I love this, please continue!!!!!!

[AltonicKeys]

I too enjoy! Where's chapter 3 tho 

[S. Stormy]

2 hours ago, Cinnamon said:

I love this, please continue!!!!!!

Aww, thanks! I'm planning to.

24 minutes ago, AltonicKeys said:

I too enjoy! Where's chapter 3 tho 

*blinks*

*rubs eyes*

Good question.

The funny thing is that on my document, where I have another chapter begun, I accidentally skipped chapter four.

[S. Stormy]

*double posts*

I've got another chapter done! 

I'm going to tag people... If in the future you don't want to be tagged, please inform me! I won't be offended, I promise. @Cinnamon @AltonicKeys I fixed the chapter thing.

Spoiler

Chapter Five

Keepers

Nya

Nya waited at the door, trying to quell her desire to walk away and forget about all this.

You couldn’t forget this, Nya. You want these connections too badly.

The door opened, and a woman wiping flour on her apron smiled down at Nya. She looked at Nya’s face, her eyes finding the scar twisting across her face. Her hands stilled on her apron, and the smile on her face faded. 

Something in Nya wilted. 

As she looked down from the woman’s face, disappointed, Nya noticed a scar on her upper arm. Nya stared at her feet, mustering her courage.

Do you want to be loved? Then ask your question. Then the Night can forgive you.

“Do you know where the Ones are?” she asked, her voice trembling. “I need to…”

Oh no. What do I say?

“to see… if they want to be friends with me.”

Do people say that? Ever? Nya cursed her lack of experience with people.

The woman finally spoke. “Yeah. They live in the house three down, it’s very fancy. Can’t miss it. Wait here! I’ll be back in just a second.” She retreated, closing the door in Nya’s face, leaving her feeling oddly uneasy. Nya once again felt an almost overpowering desire to just walk back to the forest and curl up in the shadow of her favorite tree, broken Day or no broken Day. A stifled outcry in pain from behind the door jolted Nya out of her thoughts. 

For the first time, Nya noticed the bells hung outside of each door. 

They all began to ring. 

In unison. 

Every dong sounded at the same time, the discordant notes setting her teeth on edge.

What do I do?

Nya reached for the doorknob, hesitated, then opened the door. The woman stared at her from her position on the floor holding her upper arm, and it seemed to Nya that there was pity in her eyes. 

Up until she flung the blood from her sliced upper arm onto Nya’s face.

As the blood spattered across her face, the bells all silenced as if they had been stilled by an invisible hand.

Nya gasped. She reached up to wipe the blood off her face but failed, feeling it pool above her scar and trickle toward a lock of her blond hair. “Why? What did you do?”

The woman stared at her scar with open disgust now. “They’ll be here soon.” 

“Who?” Nya knew she wouldn’t get an answer, but she still had to ask. She opened the door, fearing for her life but not sure why. She hurried out, scanning the surrounding area for any people approaching. There was no one there, but her sense of dread did not abate. 

Nya ran down the street. She found a large house three doors down, as the woman had said. Can I trust her? Is this the right place?

It didn’t matter, she had to get inside now. Though she still saw no one on the streets, the ringing bells and the blood still on her face made her nerves tight and her shoulders tense. Irrationally, her mind screamed at her that she had to find cover before… she didn’t know what. She knockedーalmost poundingーat the door. When it opened, she nearly cried with relief. Nya recognized the boy she’d seen in the forest.

“Oh. Hello. What happened to yourー” he said, then his eyes found something behind her. “Get in, now.”

She didn’t need to be told twice. As she stepped in, she checked over her shoulder. That was when she finally saw the shapes formed from shimmers. Barely noticeable at first, but horribly unmistakable.

They were only a few handspans away. 

She loosed a half scream, then slammed the door behind her, breathing hard. Nya closed her eyes, then mustered the courage to look through the window.

The thing was staring at her, the place where its eyes would be shimmering intensely. Horribly.

A cold sliver of ice seemed to slide down her spine. 

It can’t reach you in here, Nya. You’re safe.

That was when the thing’s form melted through the door and seized her by the shoulder.

 

[Shadowed]

could you maybe pretty please tag me as well in future because this is so good and i want to read moreeee

[S. Stormy]

1 hour ago, Shadowed said:

could you maybe pretty please tag me as well in future because this is so good and i want to read moreeee

With joy! Thank you SO MUCH for the compliment! I was going for spooky in the last chapter, did it come across?

Edited March 1, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed

[Cinnamon]

3 hours ago, Shallan Stormblessed said:

*double posts*

I've got another chapter done! 

I'm going to tag people... If in the future you don't want to be tagged, please inform me! I won't be offended, I promise. @Cinnamon @AltonicKeys I fixed the chapter thing.

  Reveal hidden contents

Chapter Five

Keepers

Nya

Nya waited at the door, trying to quell her desire to walk away and forget about all this.

You couldn’t forget this, Nya. You want these connections too badly.

The door opened, and a woman wiping flour on her apron smiled down at Nya. She looked at Nya’s face, her eyes finding the scar twisting across her face. Her hands stilled on her apron, and the smile on her face faded. 

Something in Nya wilted. 

As she looked down from the woman’s face, disappointed, Nya noticed a scar on her upper arm. Nya stared at her feet, mustering her courage.

Do you want to be loved? Then ask your question. Then the Night can forgive you.

“Do you know where the Ones are?” she asked, her voice trembling. “I need to…”

Oh no. What do I say?

“to see… if they want to be friends with me.”

Do people say that? Ever? Nya cursed her lack of experience with people.

The woman finally spoke. “Yeah. They live in the house three down, it’s very fancy. Can’t miss it. Wait here! I’ll be back in just a second.” She retreated, closing the door in Nya’s face, leaving her feeling oddly uneasy. Nya once again felt an almost overpowering desire to just walk back to the forest and curl up in the shadow of her favorite tree, broken Day or no broken Day. A stifled outcry in pain from behind the door jolted Nya out of her thoughts. 

For the first time, Nya noticed the bells hung outside of each door. 

They all began to ring. 

In unison. 

Every dong sounded at the same time, the discordant notes setting her teeth on edge.

What do I do?

Nya reached for the doorknob, hesitated, then opened the door. The woman stared at her from her position on the floor holding her upper arm, and it seemed to Nya that there was pity in her eyes. 

Up until she flung the blood from her sliced upper arm onto Nya’s face.

As the blood spattered across her face, the bells all silenced as if they had been stilled by an invisible hand.

Nya gasped. She reached up to wipe the blood off her face but failed, feeling it pool above her scar and trickle toward a lock of her blond hair. “Why? What did you do?”

The woman stared at her scar with open disgust now. “They’ll be here soon.” 

“Who?” Nya knew she wouldn’t get an answer, but she still had to ask. She opened the door, fearing for her life but not sure why. She hurried out, scanning the surrounding area for any people approaching. There was no one there, but her sense of dread did not abate. 

Nya ran down the street. She found a large house three doors down, as the woman had said. Can I trust her? Is this the right place?

It didn’t matter, she had to get inside now. Though she still saw no one on the streets, the ringing bells and the blood still on her face made her nerves tight and her shoulders tense. Irrationally, her mind screamed at her that she had to find cover before… she didn’t know what. She knockedーalmost poundingーat the door. When it opened, she nearly cried with relief. Nya recognized the boy she’d seen in the forest.

“Oh. Hello. What happened to yourー” he said, then his eyes found something behind her. “Get in, now.”

She didn’t need to be told twice. As she stepped in, she checked over her shoulder. That was when she finally saw the shapes formed from shimmers. Barely noticeable at first, but horribly unmistakable.

They were only a few handspans away. 

She loosed a half scream, then slammed the door behind her, breathing hard. Nya closed her eyes, then mustered the courage to look through the window.

The thing was staring at her, the place where its eyes would be shimmering intensely. Horribly.

A cold sliver of ice seemed to slide down her spine. 

It can’t reach you in here, Nya. You’re safe.

That was when the thing’s form melted through the door and seized her by the shoulder.

 

Awesomeeee!!!

[S. Stormy]

Chapter Six

Mustfindhernowmustfindhernow

The Night

Spoiler

What have I done? 

Will I be the one to destroy the world? 

Would Her impulsive, emotional outburst be the end of the world, lapsing Her energy so She couldn’t reach Her daughter?

No. I won’t let that happen.

And so, for the first time in… so long… the Night left Her forest. To find Her daughter to remedy Her jealousy-fueled tantrum. 

To… to save the world.

Mustfindher. Mustfindhernow. Mustfindhernowmustfindhernow.

Chapter Seven

TAKEN

Nya

Spoiler

A jolt of frozen fire seemed to spread through Nya’s body from her shoulder. She felt the thing’s hand on her shoulder coldly, all too solid despite its wispy appearance. In addition to the crippling ice she felt throughout herself, Nya felt… empty. Hollow and weightless, like a puff of fog that could be demolished with a breeze. The world became indistinct. She looked at the boy who had tried to save her. His eyes were wide and horrified as he stared her in the eyes.

Goodbye, friend. I wish you could have known me, and I you…

Nya looked down, and saw that her body was… empty. 

She.. she had become one of them.

Nya heard something. Words… so fuzzy…

She looked at the boy, and saw his mouth moving as he stared at her, his face pained.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” he was saying. Nya could see everything plunging into darkness and the world losing its sharp edges.

The creature tugged her along. She was absolutely powerless to do anything; her kicks at the floor only sunk her feet into it. The last thing she saw before she was pulled through the door was the boy’s eyes, pitying her. I’m sorry, he mouthed once more, and then the dark oak wood of the door was all she saw.

And then the world faded to nothing.

* * *

Nya felt her awareness return, her mind sharpening enough to register that she was on the ground, and that her back hurt. When she tried to shift and stand up, she found that she couldn’t. Her mind finally started to work, and what had happened to her sunk in. With a jolt of panic, she remembered the hazy, refracted form of her own body. She stared at her body and found with an enormous wave of relief that she was once again her own self. With that settled, Nya began observing her surroundings. Her body was tied to a tree, and her hands were behind her back. That awkward position was what was causing the pain. 

She was on a plain she didn’t recognize, although that wasn’t saying much, considering that she had spent her entire life in one forest.

How inconsiderate of me, she thought wryly. Then she started wriggling, trying to get free of her bonds. As she did, another jolt of cold started through her from her neck, and she whipped her head to the side and saw two of those horrible eyes staring at her. A voice whispered in her head, startling her.

LOOK, MY BROKEN SISTER. LOOK AT YOUR SOUL.
Nya shuddered at the empty, dark voice. Broken Sister?

Instinctively, she looked down at her chest and saw that she was going hazy again, like before when the thing had touched her. 

STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME! she mind-screamed at the thing touching her. Its eyes turned from the milky empty white color to blueish black. I WILL NOT JOIN YOU! The creature pulled away, hunched over and seeming to be in pain. What had she done?

The scream seemed to sap her energy, and her limbs felt heavy and filled with lead. One question remained in her mind.

Broken sister?

OH, YES. Nya jumped at the dark voice intruding into her thoughts. Get out of my head!

ME? GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD? YOU, MY DEAR, ARE SCREAMING YOUR THOUGHTS INTO MY MIND. AND IT’S SO NICE, FEELING THAT FEAR AND LONELINESS. IT’S BEEN SO LONG. I WOULD EVEN ENJOY SOME CHILDISH INFATUATION OR A BIT OF GIDDY ANTICIPATION. SUCH INTERESTING EMOTIONS. IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I FELT ONE.

The words were so… twisted. Inhuman. But behind the layer of evil and darkness, Nya felt… loss. The creature did feel emotions, contrary to what it had said. Emotions it didn’t want to.

ANYWAY, MY DEAR, YOU WERE MEANT TO BE ONE OF US. BUT YOU WERE TAKEN. IT WAS BRASH OF YOUR NIGHT, TAKING YOU. YOU DO NOT WANT TO ANGER US.
The voice shook in Nya’s head. She groaned and shrank into herself, trying vainly to still the deafening voice echoing in her mind. 

The creature seemed amused…

No. No, this thing wants me to think that. There’s something else. Nya stared directly into its eyes, suppressing her shiver of horror, and shoved her mind into the “broken brother's”.

She felt… a darkness. One that suppressed something.. deeper. 

So it’s deeper down? I’ll go deeper down, then. 

Nya dove.

And found… a scared child. A young boy. A scar on his face identical to Nya’s.

You were meant to be one of us…

The Broken Oneーthe young boyーscreamed and shoved her out of his head. A wave of exhaustion hit her, and she was dragged off to sleep.

What will it do to me… will it hurt me…

A voice, one that seemed similar to the previous one, but… softer, spoke in her mind. 

I won’t hurt you, sister.

@Cinnamon @Shadowed

Edited March 7, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed

[Cinnamon]

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!! I will yell you what I think in a bit  I gotta do school ._.

 The last line of chapter7? Chills. I really really like this story and the style you’re using . I do have one bit of feedback I’ll put it in a spoiler.

Spoiler

Sooo this line

Quote

And then the world was darkness

Kinda confused me because I read it and thought: darkness? Ooh is the Night there or something or is she safe? Because she’d been around darkness and I thought darkness was a good thing for her and she wasn’t afraid of it. I was thinking maybe you could distinguish that by saying something like:

And then the world became darkness, and not the cool comforting darkness of Night’s embrace. No. This darkness was harsh. This darkness?

It wanted her dead.

 

Obviously that probably won’t work because I don’t think they want her dead and adding that bit takes away from the punchy shock of the last line. It just confused me  

@Shallan Stormblessed

But that said, TJIS IS SO GOOD AND I LOVE IT! 

Edited March 7, 2023 by Cinnamon
Adding thoughts

[Shadowed]

YESYESYES i love this!!!

To repeat Cinnamon, I have school so i’ll probably go through and put my thoughts as i go along this evening.

it’s still so good tho!!

[S. Stormy]

13 hours ago, Cinnamon said:

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!! I will yell you what I think in a bit  I gotta do school ._.

 The last line of chapter7? Chills. I really really like this story and the style you’re using . I do have one bit of feedback I’ll put it in a spoiler.

  Reveal hidden contents

Sooo this line

Kinda confused me because I read it and thought: darkness? Ooh is the Night there or something or is she safe? Because she’d been around darkness and I thought darkness was a good thing for her and she wasn’t afraid of it. I was thinking maybe you could distinguish that by saying something like:

And then the world became darkness, and not the cool comforting darkness of Night’s embrace. No. This darkness was harsh. This darkness?

It wanted her dead.

 

Obviously that probably won’t work because I don’t think they want her dead and adding that bit takes away from the punchy shock of the last line. It just confused me  

@Shallan Stormblessed

But that said, TJIS IS SO GOOD AND I LOVE IT! 

Thank you!!! This is like, super prolific writing for me? I'm getting to the point where I'm seriously looking forward to writing? Makes me happy!

8 hours ago, Shadowed said:

YESYESYES i love this!!!

To repeat Cinnamon, I have school so i’ll probably go through and put my thoughts as i go along this evening.

it’s still so good tho!!

Aww, thanks! Looking forward to it.

[S. Stormy]

New tiny chapter: short.

I got writer's block because I realized I had no idea where I was going with something(will explain later) and then I just gave up for several days. Then I decided to DO SOMETHING today, and was very happy with what happened. Much dramatic.

Chapter Eight

Assistance

Nya

Spoiler

Nya woke when the Brother brushed her shoulder. He snarled at her, and the hint of humanity she’d felt earlier seemed entirely gone. 

So much for that, she thought, wishing that she had someone to.. to simply be with.

There’s nobody left for you, girl. The Night… she hates you. And no one else ever loved you. Your parents…

Her parents…

Had abandoned her. The Night told her as much: they had seen her scar and abandoned her. Painful as it was, it had to be true. The Night wouldn’t lie to her. At least… at least, she wouldn’t have back then. Now… well, it was anyone’s guess. 

I hurt her. 

She remembered all too clearly the words the Night had screamed at her, enraged. But the Night had never seemed hurt by Nya, or hurt by anything she had done… not before.

Except… 

A memory surfacedーif it could even be called a memory. It was fractured, faded with time.

I… your parents… they didn’t want you. I’m sorry, Nya. Her Night’s words hurt Nya, and she sighs, her shoulders slumping. Her Night swirls around her, warming her. I’m sorry. her Night says, and she seems grief-stricken. Nya feels she hears a hint of guilt in the voice.

Nya stared at nothing, intrigued by the long-forgotten detail. Another memory rose to the surface. Orーa memory of a memory. 

The Night surrounds her. She places pressure. Nya, very young. Shrinks in on herself, twisting about. The pressure is angry. And it presses towards her scar. A stupid broken girl, daughter of the enemy. Why save her? 

Nya screams. “I sorry,” she yells. “Don’t give me back. I not wanna go with them.” 

Why should I care?

“Because they all say I broke. Don’t they say so for you?”

Her Night stiffens. No! They never… they… 

…they do.

I’m sorry, child. I will be yours.

And Nya offers a tentative smile as the pressure abates.

The present Nya smiled, remembering her Night’s love for a few perfect moments. 

Her Night had raised her, and She loved her…

And then the memory hit Nya like a torrent of rain falling onto her, dissipating the warmth inside and blinding her.

Traitor.

You have ruined Me.

You have broken Me.

You are not Mine.

I am not yours.

Nya closed her eyes again, feeling her eyes growing hot and wet. I need Her. I need Her. I need Her. I broke her. This is my only way back to Her. Plan an escape. Find a way back. And you’ll be loved again. You will.

Nya let her mind go blank, clearing everything from her head.

Broken Ones. What about them? What can I do to them?

She replayed her conversation with the broken brother the day before. One thing stopped her.

The Night was brash, taking you. You don’t want to anger us.

Why would rescuing her from her parents anger the Broken Ones?

Unless… unless the Night was lying to me. Unless…

A realization hit Nya abruptly. The deeper truth within the monster, the broken brother. 

The young boy, with a scar like hers.

Taking you…

When the creatures said the Night took me, it didn’t mean from my parents. It meant from them.

The Night lied to me.

Had the Night ever loved her? Or had it been a façade all along? 

She had to love me. She had to. Otherwise… why would she have rescued me?

If only she would rescue me now…

The depth of Nya’s aloneness seemed to press down on her. 

Nobody cares. I’m the only one who can get out of this situation. I need to focus. I have to save myself.

Nya squeezed her eyes shut, scolding herself for getting distracted. The Broken One I talked to seemed to be hurt when I screamed in his mind. Maybe I can use that to my advantage…

Just let me be loved.

So Nya, uncharacteristically, recklessly, and stupidly, let out a powerful scream into the Broken One’s minds. She felt her energy drain from her, an oddly physical sensation.

The Ones all cringed down, their eyes turning dark instead of light. Nya struggled with her bonds, the ropes biting into her skin. She winced, trying to ignore the pain as she wriggled. But Nya had to stop and let her wrists recover from the near-skinning. 

When she had recovered from the pain, she started again. She was so intent on getting free while the Ones were still distracted, she almost missed the Broken One--the onethat had spoken to her earlier--rushing towards her.

Almost. 

Her reaction was instinctual, and she prepared her tired mind for another attack. But before she could, a now-familiar voice intruded into her thoughts.

Stop struffling. I can do it.

Nya’s jaw went slack, and a wave of relief washed over her. Thank you thank you thank you… 

She felt the tightness around her wrists slacken, and she stood up quickly. A wave of cold washed through her, petrifying her. 

She saw her brother look at her, his form solidified. He became… someone. Not something. A human. Not a creature.

He flickered, and she saw his face.

He looked so… young. So innocent. So much… like her.

Go, sister!

Nya tore herself away and forced her drained body to move. As she did, she sensed the brother growing warmer, and she felt a scream like the one she had directed at the Ones. Not towards her, thankfully. It built, growing more and more powerful, enough so that despite not being directed at her, it still stung her thoughts. She groaned and covered her ears. How can he keep it up? How is it not draining him? 

A horrific thought struck and she looked behind.

The brother… she didn’t even know his name… did he even know his name… stood above the other two Ones, and he glowed. His scream built. At the crescendo, he bent and slammed himself into them. As he did, he sent a thought to Nya.

Resist the blinding. Do better than I did. 

With that, he and the other two… disappeared. His presence left her mind.

He was gone. Simply… gone.

Nya heard a sound, and realized it was her own sob.

Why is he gone?

He could have loved me

Will everyone who loves me die?

It was stupid. She had known him for… only a few hours. 

But… he was me. As I could have been. If not for…

Someone else I hurt. Why did it happen? Why did the Night save me if I would just hurt her? Why did he save me if he knew it would end him?

Why?

Spoiler

He kind of pulled a Vin and a Leras at the same time. Funzies.

This chapter is a little bit repetitive. The thing that made it take so long was that I wasn't sure how Nya would escape. But then I figured it out, and it was real fun to write. I enjoy writing sadness. It's too fun. Is it arrogant that I teared up while writing this?

 

Oh, and also, I would recommend Sanderson's writing playlists on Spoitfy for writing. Although when ads come one, they really ruin the vibe.

 

@Cinnamon @Shadowed

[Medium]

oh my gosh why have inot been reading this the whole time

@Shallan Stormblessed this is a masterpiece

the prose is beautiful, the story is beautiful and interesting, i love all of this

keep going, i can't wait to see how it continues.

[S. Stormy]

3 hours ago, CalanoCorvus said:

oh my gosh why have inot been reading this the whole time

@Shallan Stormblessed this is a masterpiece

the prose is beautiful, the story is beautiful and interesting, i love all of this

keep going, i can't wait to see how it continues.

THANK YOU!! I'm so glad you like it, and I'm planning to continue! Is there any particular thing you especially like? (or dislike, I always want constructive criticism!)

Edited March 17, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed

[Medium]

3 hours ago, Shallan Stormblessed said:

THANK YOU!! I'm so glad you like it, and I'm planning to continue! Is there any particular thing you especially like? (or dislike, I always want constructive criticism!)

hmm.

the imaginativeness of it all is something I actually envy a little bit. the Night, personified as a partial goddess, the Day as a partial god, and the Broken Ones as His attendants, all super cool things.

the prose is absolutely gorgeous

like

the prose is just- oh, it's the style that's one of my favorite ways to write it's so beautiful and flowy.

[S. Stormy]

3 minutes ago, CalanoCorvus said:

hmm.

the imaginativeness of it all is something I actually envy a little bit. the Night, personified as a partial goddess, the Day as a partial god, and the Broken Ones as His attendants, all super cool things.

the prose is absolutely gorgeous

like

the prose is just- oh, it's the style that's one of my favorite ways to write it's so beautiful and flowy.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! 

I'm working on it. Slowly. I'm so happy to hear you like my prose, I've tried to not seem amateur, but it's so hard to judge your own work. 

[Medium]

18 minutes ago, Shallan Stormblessed said:

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! 

I'm working on it. Slowly. I'm so happy to hear you like my prose, I've tried to not seem amateur, but it's so hard to judge your own work. 

i agree, which is why i'm always trying to get people to read my stuff

im always open to criticism. if i can use my words more effectively, then all the better

[S. Stormy]

Chapter... Nine!

Sorry

Dahlien

Spoiler

“Please, Mother,” Dahlien begged. “She led me home. She was kind to me even thoughー”

“The girl was meant to be taken. She needs to go there, so the Day may Turn her. It’s as simple as that.” 

Dahlien looked down. He didn’t think that he could change his mother’s mind on this. Best to not fight back.

As he bowed his head before his mother’s will,  an image of the girlーher face hard but somehow still concerned, torchlight illuminating her scar and the finger she pointed towards his homeーbullied its way into his mind. She looked scared, guilty. “But… she’s a good person.” he said softly, for once finding no other words. His mother placed a hand under his chin and tilted it up, her eyes intense. “What did you say? You spoke very softly.”

“She’s a good person, Mother. I know it,” he said earnestly, looking her in the eyes.

“Dahlien. You can’t judge if a person is good enough from oneー”

“Two. I told you it was two, and you know that. Don’t exaggerate.”

“Fine. Two encounters. And that’s enough to know?”

“It’s enough to know if she deserves the fate of being Broken. I saw one today, Mother. Those things are not human. I won’t let her be taken.”

Mother looked at him, and he didn’t see anger or annoyance in her face. He saw… fear, though she tried to hide it. Abject terror.

She sighed, then closed her eyes. It seemed to Dahlien that a mask fell from her face, and she only looked scared, not angry now. “I don’t want you to get on their bad side, Dah. It’s… it’s a dark thing.”

Her words seemed less articulate than normal. Just cold, plain truth.

She really is scared, he thought, then sighed. “I’m sorry, Mother. I… you’re right. I’m the heir to the Ones. And she’s just… I don’t even know what she is.” 

“That’s what I said,” his mother agreed, looking relieved. “It was her duty. You don’t owe her anything.”

Try as he might, the girl’s terrified face as the Broken Ones took her kept finding its way into his mind. She looked so sad.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. 

* * *

Dahlien sat on the sill, trying to turn the stubborn knob and unlock the window. He glanced again at the ground, too far below. The strange torch the girl had left was in his other hand.

Do I really want to do this? he wondered once again.

The knob finally gave, and the window fell open. The weight he’d been throwing against the lock almost pushed him out. He yelped, then regained his balance and covered his mouth belatedly. His heartbeat had suddenly became very noticeable. Dahlien surveyed the ground below.

“What am I doing? I can go through the house,” he muttered, feeling silly as he realized it.

As soon as the idea took shape in his head he was off of the windowsill and on the floor of his room, cautiously holding the dark flame away from himself. He hurriedly closed the window, wanting a barrier between him and the drop. “Well, that was stupid.”

He peeked out the window again, glancing at the bushes below. “Was I really going to jump that far?” he mumbled to himself. “Storms, but I need to think things through more often.”

It all felt jittery: the idea to sneak out. He had done it before of course. When he was particularly annoyed with his parents, he’d “run away”, all the while knowing he’d come back in a few hours. He’d stomp away moodily, a satchel with one piece of jerky in it over his shoulder. 

But now he was terrified. He’d actually go. 

That all felt empty and broken in his head. But the girl who’d taken the time to light a fire to help him home? Her losing herself and becoming a monster?

That felt wrong, broken, empty, and evil in his heart. He wouldn’t just stand by and watch. 

“I’ve got to,” he said to himself, steeling his will.

He tiptoed through the house, trying to avoid the creaky boards.  Dahlien grabbed everything that seemed slightly necessary, eventually ending with a pack that was bulky and unwieldy, but not too heavy. 

“Don’t know what I’d leave, so I’ll just take it all.” The words came out louder than he intended, and he squeaked at the potentially giving-away sound. “Sorry,” he said to nobody, then felt especially silly.

Dahlien closed his eyes, then took a deep breath and released it. Being jittery wouldn’t help him now. “I needー” he started to say, then cut himself off. 

I need to stop talking to myself, he thought. His mother’s fear scared him. I’m sorry. I need to…

I need to stop stalling and get on with it!

“Where do I go?” he asked of no one, accidentally speaking the words out loud. 

The Ones took her south. I’ll go that way.

So, mysterious torch in hand, he walked out the door to rescue the girl who had rescued him.

@Shadowed @Cinnamon @CalanoCorvus

Edited April 7, 2023 by Shallan Stormblessed