08/15/2022 - Kais - Ard6 - Chapters 1-2 (L)(V) - 7384 words

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

Double sub approved. All feedback welcome!

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Notes!

Overall, this has some good elements to bring readers in. I wonder if the two chapters could be switched, to start with a character we're more familiar with? There was a lot of confusing terminology on the first page. I think also adding a bit more worldbuilding, or at least a bit more in the way of reminders from last book would help with transition through planes, body-snatching, and how all that works in this universe.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "Yesterday, it had exploded,"
--Is that still yesterday, or is this a flashback?
--ooooooooooh wait. I didn't read the chapter title carefully enough. Carry on.

pg 1: ok, there's a lot going on here. Didn't Ard. get blown up? I'm a little lost.

pg 3: "running the field of t.s. known as Ard."
--So she is on Ard., but also waiting a communication from Ard? I think that was some of my problem on the first page. I wasn't sure where she was. I'm guessing this is epsilon Ard, then?

pg 4: "A wet, smacking sound came from far too close to her head. “Yes, ma’am.”"
--There's three questions this could answer, and I'm not sure what's smacking.

pg 5: "sentient planet suicides"
--well that's got a lot of emotional baggage...

pg 5: also a lot of dreams...

pg 6: "running the planet K."
--okay, confused again. So which planet is she on?

pg 6: "Maybe zie’d moved to fourth"
--wait, that's a thing?

pg 7: "the consciousness is…contained"
--ooooooooh yeah, remembering things.

pg 8: "and are thinking on it.”
--why thinking about it? She seems to be in agreement. Why not just say yes?

pg 9: "offloading its inhabitants whenever it moved"
--still not complete sure which planet they're on.

pg 10: "murder the sentient being"
--why is she now involved with this thing? I though the message was to stay away so it could be handled?

pg 11: "Bringing it K"
--Ah, that explains a lot. I didn't get that was what the call from Ard meant. Maybe move that part up a few pages?

pg 11: "I promise to comm when I get there.”
--so is her mother on a different plane? Is this the same one we saw at the end of the last book?

pg 12: Overall, I think the inciting incident here for getting E!S involved needs to be stronger, or at least made clearer. Right now it seems like she could just do nothing and everything would work out.

pg 13: "From the alpha plane"
--this in juxtaposition with the chapter titles is confusing. I think the title is showing that S is from the alpha plane, altough the action is not taking place there.

pg 14: "I’m working with R on a new sibling for S"
--I have to admit I read that VERY differently for N the first time around. I was wondering why he was bothering to write back.

pg 15: I wonder if it might be better to start with this chapter and then have the chapter with E!S? might make things clearer?

pg 16: "The second dream shattered"
Hm. Not a fan of the dream within a dream. I assume it has some connection to speaking between planes?

pg 16: "Rob..tte"
--Is this a typo?

pg 19: "the skin at his main wound there won’t bind to anything new"
--what now? His skin won't regrow? Is there a hole all the way through him? Confused.

pg 20: "The other, we are unsure."
--confused by this. There's two blobs running around his brain? Do brains work that way?

pg 20: “They are the same diameter and shape and move at the same rates."
--I'm not sure what this means. There's blobs of activity in his brain?

pg 22: “Another body,” 
--I...am not fully no board with the science of what's happening here. I think maybe a little more on how souls or identities or such can move around?  

pg 23: I'm a little lost here with the new concepts popping up about body swapping and moving planes. I think we need a little more grounding in the worldbuilding.

pg 24: you've got some...uh...typos for andal, missing the "d"

pg 26: A!S is running a bit low on sympathy here. I know that's partly dependent on her personality, and she's definitely protaging, and generally competent. I just worry a little about alienating the reader with A!S's very black and white view of things.

[Robinski Rambleman]

On 17/08/2022 at 9:18 PM, Mandamon said:

I wonder if the two chapters could be switched, to start with a character we're more familiar with? There was a lot of confusing terminology on the first page. I think also adding a bit more worldbuilding, or at least a bit more in the way of reminders from last book would help with transition through planes, body-snatching, and how all that works in this universe.

I completely agree with Mandamon summation points here. I had quite a bit of disorientation with the first chapter, and found it harder to get engaged with that Sal than the second one, whose situation I remember much more clearly from the previous book.

The first Sal... I didn't have much sympathy for her; all that angst over a step, jeez, just watch where you put your feet.

I had issues with Yor and N thinking it was a good idea to make Sal a family. Neither of them is that emotionally naive, surely? Can they have been paying that little attention?

For me, the realisation that You is her home comes too late in the chapter. Was it present in the last book? I've always felt that Sal was a bit remote in her regard for Yor, but this brings the realisation home. I think it could be pushed up.

(Full comments sent by email.)

[Minifyre Bridgeman]

Hi, Kais. I'm new here & to the series, so please bear that in mind & feel free to critique this critique, or ask for clarification on anything, so that I can provide more helpful feedback in the future!

p1: I also thought that all the proper nouns/jargon on the first page was a little overwhelming. But given my unfamiliarity, that's probably expected[1]!
p2:  Biotech, cool.
p2: Zie'd, unique pronouns, got it.
p3: Having a hard time mustering sympathy for the toe incident after her behavior towards her servant.
p3: Is there supposed to be a paragraph break between the shooing off & the farming dialogue? Actually, I'm a little confused regardless of who I imagine saying the second part.
p4: Learning about lifecycles is fun!
p4-6: Interesting planets, governments, & cultural ceremonies.
p7: Seems like fallout from a previous book.
p12: Despite my initial impression, I felt a little more sympathetic towards E!S by the end[2]. She seems a bit worn down & agitated by her job but doesn't want to perpetuate suffering-- on a macro scale at least.
p13: It took me a moment to notice that A!S was on B.
p13: Interesting to see how everyone has different tech and/or terms for things.
p13: Multiverse?!
p13: Ah, Terran cuisine-- good to know that's here!
p14: Given the setting, I assumed this sibling stuff was more sci-fi & the labs seemed like confirmation of that.
p18: Confirmation on Terra.
p19: Twin-like appearance & A!S contemplating both types of reproduction about how many types of aliens have been introduced in these chapters without me realizing[3].
p21: Interesting brain scan.
p21: Not explaining decisions... perhaps this is in character[4], though as a new reader, I'm finding my sympathy towards A!S to be more of a roller coaster than the gradual increase for E!S.
p22: Unsure about the morality of taking a body. Is she looking for the invader's or just a replacement one?
p23: Andal spelling error near the top.
p23: Interesting dilemma with Y's mind.
p24: Apod dilemma seems interesting given what we know about Y's wound.
p25: Doubles...[3]
p26: These places certainly seem like callbacks from other books.

Overall, like a lot of multiverse stuff, I love the parallels between E!S & A!S! And from my limited understanding, it seems like they're on a collision course[5] that could end in either conflict[6] or cooperation[7].

As expected, there seems to be a lot of references to past events. But given the seemingly new perspective in Ch1 & the alternate one provided in Ch2, I think I've got the gist & look forward to learning more about the ramifications in future submissions. In short, great world & setup-- I look forward to learning more!

[1] Having read both chapters now, things seem a little clearer-- but given my limited understanding, that could be the Dunning-Kruger effect
[2] Hats off to you if that was the intent!
[3] Also, makes me curious if there are simply different biological advances that have been made in this universe than what we have at present in our reality.
[4] Tangentially, this reminds me of my tendency not to do recaps in the first draft of sequels-- I wanna write the good stuff I'm excited about!
[5] One that's possibly being set up by whoever contacted E!S?
[6] If my understanding of alliances/body snatching is correct.
[7] If I understand the motivations behind their personalities.

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

Thanks everyone! I'll be curious to see if this week's epigraphs, that will go before chapters 1 and 2, help at all with any of the chapter 1 issues.

I'm going to hold off hitting these comments for another week, I can finish drafting through chapter five. Then I hope to go back and do a more sweeping edit. 

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

Alright, I am super late and I'm not sure if you've already started making changes, so I'll keep it brief.

I liked seeing the two different S's.

It was interesting seeing ch. 1 start around the same place book 1 started, but on the other plane. 

In ch. 2, I wasn't a huge fan of the dream in a dream in a dream. It felt jarring when S finally really woke and seemed like it delayed the start of the actual action and plot. The later half was much stronger. My favorite bit was S realizing how much Y made things feel like home. And the last line was fantastic.