Ookla the Pencil Taxi

Heart of a Dragon

9 posts in this topic

I hope you don't mind since you linked it, but I took a look at the first few chapters. It seems really good so far. Keep writing!

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I read it, and I think it's great! The twist is very satisfying, and caught me completely by surprise. Well done

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Posted (edited)

Thanks! I'm hoping to 

Spoiler

move the "getting powers" scene to the beginning. Because the reveal with Isame's betrayal and the confusing powers is very overwhelming.

 

Oh weird putting something in spoilers for my own book... hehe.

Edited by Shallan Stormblessed
Rephrasing
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Spoiler

yeah that was a little unexpected, and honestly not too well set up. Perhaps it would help for Lia's mother to mention that a dragon's heart is "a powerful magical object", or something similar, as well as creating a stronger connection between dragons and light-related powers. That might help make the pay-off more satisfying and less overwhelming.

Everything is a spoiler. yay!

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Spoiler

I'm gonna have Lia trigger powers immediately after she touches the heart.

SPOILERS GALORE!

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Spoiler

That could definitely work, and would help with power escalation. Also, I just thought of it, the heart doesn't have much of a purpose, at least that Lia's mother mentions (but she might know about its powers, just didn't say anything.) 

Spoilers and spoilers!

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By the way, I have updated my story. So if y'all want to read a more polished version, just click the link again. It should be different.

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So far, it sounds better, but some small things, you may have forgot to re-include that a dragon loses it's fire when they lose their heart during the conversation with Lia's mother, the dragon's name (I believe it was mentioned in the first draft) and that it's life is tied to the heart's fire. Overall though, Lia's reasons for restoring the heart are clearer than before.

One (rather tedious) improvement would be to spend time and lengthen the story, so the character growth and conflict can be explored further (wowie, me using nerd words). I don't have a lot of writing experience, but I'd think that 33 pages is difficult to write a full story with. It's an impressive start, and it would be great if it had more room to work with. Keep on writing!

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