20220516 - Of Mycelium and Men - 9189 words - Sub 16 - Mandamon

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

This is another beefy one, all of part 11 at around 9100 words. Things are definitely wrapping up here. Only one more section after this with about 6000 words.

Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

[Warmacky Noble-Blooded]

Enjoyed this section!  Thanks for continuing to provide your weekly installment for my enjoyment I think my hardest thing right now is seeing how everything is going to come together for the soon-to-be end of the book.  I am hoping for some big reveals or cliffhangers to prepare for the next book but I haven't noticed any big foreshadowing so far.  Maybe you have totally fooled me!  I agree with kais comment from the last section about the value of a B-plot here to keep things engaging and fresh.

Some notes I took along the way:

An's section was interesting.  I like the new kind of trap they found and the ground swallowing people.  People disappearing into the ground is a pretty frightening thing so I felt like it really notched up the tension.  It might be cool to foreshadow people disappearing in the colony that no one can explain before this trap gets triggered so this section then solves the mystery.  That could be an interesting mystery that could be fun to play with.

Ja's comments about the older Gens had me asking "are the older Gens actually a problem?"  I imagine the truly "too old to work" group is a pretty small % of the population and it doesn't seem like they are rationing calories or doing anything that would imply they are on the razors edge of survival and couldn't feed this group of retirees.  Given all the issues they are facing it didn't seem like this would be a priority for Ja to be addressing right now.  If she DID address it, I think she would just secretly start killing people off, not publicly announce that they want them gone because they are useless.  The rash of unexplained deaths of old Gens would start rumors but no one could tie it definitively to her at first.  Maybe Christiaan would betray her, unable to live with the guilt of enabling these murders.  I may be writing some fan fiction of this world in the future

Another question from the Ja section.  She seems to feel like a revolt is imminent, but I haven't seen any evidence that this would be the case?  In fact, she seems VERY well entrenched and in control.  If anything, antagonizing the retiree Gens is actually making this theoretical revolt more likely.  It just seemed strange that she is suddenly concerned about this revolt after 10 years on the surface without any real disobedience issues.  Maybe we just need to see more discontent from the Gen characters towards Admin along the way and actual mentions of revolting or "not standing for this any longer".

For Al's section I had two issues.  The first was that not much was really learned or accomplished other than their decision to have a child.  They mention being on reproduction blockers sort of implying that was keeping them from having kids which I didn't really follow in their particular relationship?  The second issue was regarding the 3 years they have been together "off-screen".  Their interaction feels exactly the same to me as in their last section and almost everything in their conversation is something they could have discussed in Al's last section.  I was hoping for more inside jokes/comfort/familiarity or something that evidences the large amount of time they have spent meshing their lives together.

General comment, the 2 year gap between sections is reeeeeeally moving our timeline forward quickly now.  In some ways we are getting such a small look at each time period before a new perspective shift that it is pulling back my engrossment in the story a little bit.  Like the difference between reading about something that happened in a history book vs a narrative story, if that makes sense?  I could be way off base, but checking in once every few years for a single scene where they discuss some of what has happened recently is missing the mark for me.

I think the Ch section did a great job of adopting a childlike tone and perspective.  Was surprised F "got" them a chemistry set instead of "making" them a chemistry set since this seems like it would be a low priority item to have a manufactured purchasable version of.  I also thought the line "but they were kind of nervous at the thought." was a perfect place to "show" rather than "tell" their nervousness.

In Ag's section something dawned on me that I thought might be worth considering historical examples.  If you look at societies of human beings who have endured hardship for an extended time (London bombings in WWII, US in the Great Depression, etc) there are lots of examples of them becoming fairly stoic and adjusted to the discomfort as a part of life they must endure.  I was noticing Ag here is still complaining quite a bit about being stuck on the planet and fighting the Bio despite what is now 10 years of getting used to it.  I would be complaining too, but I thought it was interesting to think about the amount of time they have had for this to become the norm and how that might effect their inner monologue.

The Bio sections are always an interesting perspective, but they are starting to feel a bit repetitive in that the Bio continues to try to enter the colony and continue to be resisted.  Most of the things the Bio observes are things the reader already knows about so there isn't much new being revealed in these sections.  I think the challenge is since the colonist behavior is pretty static now (just try to survive and build) if the Bio is just describing what it sees then each section will become similar.  I thought the colonists that had gone out into the Bio would be really interesting, but since it is revealed they all died without the Bio learning much it didn't give me the sense of dread that the Bio is about to gain the upper hand.  I would love to have more parts in the Bio section that are shrouded mysteries where the reader is given some foreshadowing in an oblique way of what the next big move might be and we have to puzzle it out.

Really looking forward to how this is all brought together at the end.  Keep up the good work, I admire your writing consistency every week!

 

 

[Silk Svrakiss]

“Fortunately the mobile fungus hadn’t had time to grow” have we actually seen this yet?

THE MYSTERIOUS FLING SERIES I LOVE THIS

Wait, so how are these books actually being produced? Did they bring printing press technology? Have they adapted it to use resinplast sheets or something? It seems G is writing/selling books at a pretty big scale.

“Worst of all, G might stop… selling him books.” As a writer, this is hilarious

P4 “…only to realize someone had turned off a faucet” I really stumbled over this at first. Eventually I figured out that the reference to faucets must be a reference to the squealing sound, but at first I just wondered why on Earth And was sleeping in the communal baths.

I’m not feeling a lot of tension in this flame-out scene—it feels very routine—but I’m not sure I’m supposed to be? Right now the little discussions of And and G are enough to keep me going.

P6 Oh, there it is.

“…trying to free the screaming V” even with the description of the bear trap thing that comes after, I can’t picture what the Vs are actually doing here.

“Arms pinned, sir” – she seems very calm considering she’s been screaming. Unless she just yelled the once? I was picturing like an ongoing horror situation. Which, getting some elevated emotion at this point of the scene probably would not be out of line.

“It was obviously impervious to fire…” We just saw this in the last section – it may be new to And, but it’s not new to readers, so And wondering how this happened doesn’t have a huge punch here. I wonder if this is part of what’s behind people’s comments here and there about not feeling forward motion with some of the sections – these points where it feels like we’re rediscovering things with different characters rather than discovering actually new things.

P8 “He took off his helmet…” bad idea, dude.

“stenographers, recorders, reporters, and upper managers…” This definitely caught me by surprise; do they even have the population for this? Or are these all Ads and already part of the “haves” crowd instead of the “have nots”?

P9 “self serving bas…” Okay, that’s pretty funny.

“First we’ll have… But first,” close repetition of “first” in J’s dialogue here

P10 “Vs were dying… and would need to be supplemented by Gens.” Again, we’ve seen this in previous sections – but keeping it and hanging a lantern could possibly add to the sense of dysfunction here…

P11 “Where were they going to put old Gens who were a drain on the colony?” Well this is very revealing. Certainly got my hackles up. Well done.

 P13 “Do not apply [fungus] to injuries. There is no telling what might happen.” I mean… The Ads do know about D, right? They have a pretty good guess. Why not just say that?

Also with the book-specific words weeded out, “Do not apply fungus to injuries” is probably just good general life advice…

Wow J’s thoughts about C having a crush on her are extremely off-putting. I mean it’s fine, I was already convinced she was a villain, but if there’d been any doubt this scene would have resolved it.

I do like the way this scene is set up though, with her set to basically manufacture consent from the Gens about whatever her aims are here. It feels like we finally get to see her do something instead of watching her froth impotently so she can summarize what’s happened for us.

P16 “A deep-voiced older man” should be lower case “a” here

Mixed feelings about this scene with J here. At first I thought you were setting up to manufacture consent for something objectionable out of the Gens, which was pretty cool because I was excited to see her actually do something. I was fine when that went over like a lead balloon, because it turned out she was manipulating the Ads rather than the Gens… but I’m not sure what she’s manipulating them to do, because “marginalizing the Gens” is already pretty status quo, so I’m not sure why she still needs to get them to agree to it.

This Al/K scene is a delight. Well done.

“Ch didn’t have a lot of friends.”

P32 “She thought it would calm Ph down a bit… but then she’d lost two crew members” I think the implication is that any bonding she got with her son was undone by her having to spend a bunch of time at work dealing with the fallout, and not that the fungus killed two people in front of the kid and traumatized her son forever? Because the wording seems a bit ambiguous.

P38 “Any exposure of interior parts of the creature to outside atmosphere” It’s a good thing I’m working from home today, because I’m reading this on my lunch break and I just guffawed. The fact that it’s so dry makes it equally horrifying and hilarious. I love it.

Overall: Nothing that I didn’t already highlight in a few spots in my LBLs. The human interest scenes, for lack of a better term, are fantastic, but I’m starting to get antsy for some forward motion in more plot-focused ones. I keep expecting the pace to build and increase as we approach the end of the book, and it doesn’t really feel like that’s happening yet. 

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

 

Overall

I enjoyed parts of this a lot. However I am definitely antsy now. I'd like to see the stakes raising consistently at this point. We got some with the authority structures, but then it was more chit chat and summary. We are fairly close to the end of the book, yes? If so, I feel like we are missing the C beat, the one that starts real slow at the start and as the stakes raise it becomes more and more important until it has subsumed the A and B plots at the end (or merged with them). I'm wondering if we don't have it because it's more part of the short story you did for Distant Gardens? 

 

As I go

- Mysterious Fling Series.... perfection

- pg 4: It had become a tradition for their squad while flaming out infestations. <-- this sounds like flaming their squad mates had become traditio

- pg 8: I feel like the colonists are being willfully obtuse at this stage about fungal intelligence. The biologists at least should have sorted it by now. Maybe even halfway through the book, which would have given I think the sort of climbing tension and amping stakes we are missing. It still feels early in the book here. They're fighting the same thing, in the same way. The fungus is evolving, but the people aren't

- pg 12: this section through here is a lot of being told and summary. It isn't as engaging

- pg 20: this power grab situation is great but I definitely expected it more in the middle of the book. This is the increasing stakes I've been after

- pg 27: Afterwards, they got to open their presents <-- I think we're missing a beat before this. It comes abruptly

- pg 34: the chitchat through here is long. I'm anxious for more uprising! The birthday party and kid stuff was good but I think the second half could be cut. We know all of that information already and it stalls the narrative

-  love the end bit but again, would like to see the stakes rise in person instead of summary

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Realized I hadn't replied to this one! Thanks @Warmacky, @kais, and @Silk!

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

I agree with kais comment from the last section about the value of a B-plot here to keep things engaging and fresh.

I think the new B-plot I have in mind will provide some new meat for this section.

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

Ja's comments about the older Gens had me asking "are the older Gens actually a problem?"  I imagine the truly "too old to work" group is a pretty small % of the population and it doesn't seem like they are rationing calories or doing anything that would imply they are on the razors edge of survival and couldn't feed this group of retirees. 

I think part of this will tie in to the above new plot point.

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

She seems to feel like a revolt is imminent, but I haven't seen any evidence that this would be the case?  In fact, she seems VERY well entrenched and in control. 

Also also will tie in! Looking back over these comments, I think the new B-plot will address a lot of stuff.

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

For Al's section I had two issues.

Yeah, this is the last Al section in the book. I might need add a quick coda to their relationship.

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

I could be way off base, but checking in once every few years for a single scene where they discuss some of what has happened recently is missing the mark for me.

I'm hoping this will all pull together at the end, but yes, these last sections go by fast. I almost want a little FOMO from readers, seeing the years go by.

On 5/20/2022 at 0:16 AM, Warmacky said:

The Bio sections are always an interesting perspective, but they are starting to feel a bit repetitive in that the Bio continues to try to enter the colony and continue to be resisted. 

I think the very end solves this, but I can also add some more movement to the bio in the last third, tied in with that new plot element.

On 5/20/2022 at 7:02 PM, Silk said:

Wait, so how are these books actually being produced? Did they bring printing press technology? Have they adapted it to use resinplast sheets or something? It seems G is writing/selling books at a pretty big scale.

Yes, this is a small scale printing press process. I'll add some more detail.

On 5/20/2022 at 7:02 PM, Silk said:

P6 Oh, there it is.

Lol

On 5/20/2022 at 7:02 PM, Silk said:

“stenographers, recorders, reporters, and upper managers…” This definitely caught me by surprise; do they even have the population for this? Or are these all Ads and already part of the “haves” crowd instead of the “have nots”?

I was trying to show the development in the colony, but I think I missed the mark. I'll add in some more detail.

On 5/20/2022 at 7:02 PM, Silk said:

Again, we’ve seen this in previous sections – but keeping it and hanging a lantern could possibly add to the sense of dysfunction here…

Yup, will hopefully address this with the new plot thread.

On 5/20/2022 at 7:02 PM, Silk said:

Mixed feelings about this scene with J here.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll massage this section with the new B-plot and see how it works.

On 5/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, kais said:

However I am definitely antsy now. I'd like to see the stakes raising consistently at this point.

Yep yep. Will add some of this in.

On 5/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, kais said:

I'm wondering if we don't have it because it's more part of the short story you did for Distant Gardens? 

I think writing that first definitely killed some of the tension here because I know what happens, but I'm hoping the new plot thread will fix some of this.

On 5/25/2022 at 1:10 PM, kais said:

The fungus is evolving, but the people aren't

Yeah, this is a problem for this book because most of the development comes in books 2/3. I'll try to rework it throughout so the Bio has a little more agency in deliberately hiding from the colonists?

Thanks all!

[Sarah B Gyorn]

Not much to add, and late to boot!

In An's section I loved the screaming mushroom aside and the line "this week's horror". Honestly loved this whole section.

"A took his husband's thin head..." This does not sound complimentary. I've heard someone described as thin faced, but this struck me as strange.

"Heavy thrust!" Ph said.

I'm guessing this is new slang? Makes sense now, but on first read held me up for a minute.

The boardroom scene felt a little anti-climatic to me. There was so much build up of something terrible or violent to come and then the whole situation defused? Or perhaps just stalled for later. But at this point I don't think I learned anything new as a reader except that the leaders might intend to do something darwinian in the near future. 

Overall, I liked the first section the best but was plenty interested enough to keep reading through the whole sub even if I was reading just for fun. 

Thanks for sharing!