20220425 - Of Mycelium and Men - 9219 words - Sub 13 - Mandamon

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

This is all of part 9, which is a whopping 9200 words. But less than the max for two submissions! At any rate, feel free to read this in parts or only comment on sections, or whatever works best. I know it's a lot. There are only three more parts after this, so things are lining up for the conclusion of this book. The second book starts up about 20 years after this one ends.

Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

[Sarah B Gyorn]

Well, I settled in and read straight through to get the full effect:

"The children who ate their parents..." comming off of the last section about the first children being born on L, my brain jumped to "Girl With All the Gifts" fungus-zombie children eating the adults and taking over the planet. Figured it out by the end of the paragraph :-) Sure would have been a suprise ending though.

Sharing the last of his tea with J: This was a really nice touch.

Domestic disturbance: I loved the part with A backing away slowly from the two momma bears. Overall though, this section felt a bit like two combined info dumps. The first about the situation with the Vs, and the second about new food goop. I think maybe it read that way to me because first A gets a call and thinks while traveling, then A shows up and is told something, and then the conflict A was sent to take care of seems to self resolve. 

Around 90% through there's a typo; "If we have to eat printer goop now so we ca ...." can

The word count was a bit intimidating, but as usual it was a pleasure to read.

The overall effect of reading it straight through was a bit like fast forwarding through a movie and hitting play every so often. Sorry, I can't think of a better illustration. But there is a definite sense of accelerating towards the end. 

So... book 2? I'm looking foreward to it! Until you mentioned it though, I kind of thought they were all going to die. Glad to find out I'm wrong :-)

Thanks for sharing

[Silk Shade]

First page, fungus POV: “This was compared…” I wasn’t sure what the antecedent for “this” was. Maybe say “this construction” or “these shelters” or something similar to clarify.

Also stumbled on “chinks” right at the top of p2, though not sure why.

P2 “as well as correcting several magnetic…” suggest “as well as the opportunity to correct” for parallelism

“...the one instance of synergy…” Interesting that And’s not mentioned here.

P7 “she ignored the hissing, clanking, horrible sounds that shouldn’t accompany…” hah. Perfect.

P8 “the amazing uniqueness of the biomass…” I think I might have made similar comments before, but Ji has a surprisingly sunny view of the future considering everything that’s happened. I wonder if trying this back to Ji’s child more specifically, rather than the abstract hope for the future, might lock down the emotional resonance a little more for the end of this scene?

P9 I had kind of forgotten who D was. Might be WRS, but given that we don’t see Ads other than J and her assistant that often, possibly worth a reminder.

P10 “last member in the room” … member of the group? Person in the room?

“The other Ads had their assistants with them…” Wait, I thought M was the last person in the room. I initially interpreted this as meaning all the Ads were there after all.

P11 “We need our fire stations, our power substations, our educational support structures.” How big are these subsections? Putting all your critical infrastructure in one place seems like a bad idea. Also inconvenient for the people moving through them.

“M looked up guiltily…” Guiltily because…?
Edit: I guess we’re supposed to take from this conversation that A consulted M first, but I was confused by why M would be guilty for a hot second.

“M raised both eyebrows, as if they…” Doesn’t M use female pronouns? Or, wait, “they” referring to the group at large.

Also, given that A has apparently married and had children with a Gen, I’d be interested to see a reaction shot from them here.
Edit: I see J sort of calls it out here, but then why raise this in front of A at all?
Edit to the edit: Might be worth having J indicate to the reader up front that she’s already discussed this with A.

I was kind of wondering how/whether the mods would get passed on ever since it was noted that A was married to a Gen, so glad to see this addressed here.

P15 “...as if she had smelled a particularly fragrant fart.” Hah. Valid.

“...the newest and least protected rs as their built” should be “they’re”

p17 “How about the water supply.” Should be a question mark at the end I think.

“J tapped a nail six times… were her tells so obvious?” This could be some great character-building, but I think we need to actually feel this emotion for it to work. Right now I don’t have any idea whether she’s upset, excited, etc. and can only vaguely guess that it has to do with the thing about not being able to pan minerals from the water.

P18 “We have the resources to start on B…” Ah. This would be it then. Is this really a surprise to her though? Did she actually come into this meeting expecting to find a solution? If so, making that more clear, and then amping up the emotions from that angle, could be one way to make the scene work.

Did the timestamps change from megaseconds to years and months and I just didn’t notice? I saw the one in the last scene but had assumed it was because it was from J’s point of view.

P20 “I suspect it’s sucking the minerals out of the ground…” Then where did the one vein they found come from?

“No. not there. That fungal tower” need to capitalize “Not” or make the period a comma

p24 “If he couldn’t stop the biomass at its source, Could he…” lowercase c

I am tickled by the thought of supersoldiers on bicycles.

“calming” Gens. Uhhuh.

26 “At least the roads were all paved…” Given the oft-cited dearth of materials… what with?

“He’s had to watch many of them.” Should be “he’d had”

p29 “...they want me to have as many kids as possible.” Curious to know then whether the Gens are in fact being given free choice about how many kids they raise.

I’m curious as to what’s driving And here. He hasn’t really struck me as the type to get fired up over inequalities, even if the printed “stuff” doesn’t look appetizing.

P33 “in his mid-twenties” I had thought F was rather older…

“Had she spoken with him before?” Not sure you need this line. I think just “he looked vaguely familiar” gets the job done.

P35 “or amoebas decided having two to tango” LOL

 

[Ace of Hearts Misting]

I continue to be an overworked grad student so my critiques will continue to be succinct. Hope it's still helpful!

-I feel like at this point we might need more answers about the first page blurb. Interesting setup especially with the narrator but we don't really have payoff for these sections yet

-2nd section with Ji is solid and I like her and F. I feel like there should be more communal support for A though, even if she doesn't think it's necessary, just out of necessity given how scarce resources probably are. It feels like they're operating under the 21st century western idea of a nuclear family but that's not really the culture they come from as generationals right?

-3rd section with Ja didn't quite hit the mark for me. We get a lot of exposition for the admins who are talking but really what I want to know is what motivates their different perspectives and how that leads to conflict. The discussion feels a bit low-stakes right now despite the important matters which makes the whole thing feel like an info dump at times

-The next couple of Fr sections were mixed for me. I continue to really like the bees but the problems presented here don't seem particularly new and we don't get a ton of motion in those conflicts

-The An section was very engaging for me but again what I really want is for this to come to a head soon which it sounds like it's not going to. I also continue to like An's voice as a total a-hole who is afraid of the masses rising up. Another thought here is that this is one of the first times that (some of) the Gens have actually tried pushing back to get a policy change. If the message here is "people need to not fight each other when they need each other to survive" I think that has to come from the Admin side too. If the Gens are so critical like we're being told they should be willing to make at least a few concessions, right? So long as the Admins understand the gravity of the situation anyways which it seems like they do

-Okay so the Ja section after gives me more info on what the F sections were supposed to do. I think what I need more focus on is why they're turning to this now specifically

-Why don't the Admins want communal raising of kids? If anything that should make it easier for them to keep them from developing dangerous ideas in a centralized manner, right?

[kais Scadrian Waffle Cook]

One of these days, I won't be behind anymore...

Overall

Again, not much to say. A few notes below. I liked the interspersion of babies/children and still battling the biomass. I liked the human political structures coming in, and of course I adored the biomass POV. The last beat of the sub didn't hold my attention the way the rest did, but I think it's because, narratively speaking, I was looking for the stakes to increase there instead of it being an emotional resonance beat. Other than that, another great installment.

 

 

As I go

- YESSSS fungus POV!

- I adore Frank

- pg 7: Her, without a womb, without a partner, had a child, a biological child that was all—nearly all—hers. <-- this is really beautiful

- pg 14: started on their journey, she would have wet her panties <-- 'panties' is an interesting choice here, coming from a female POV. I'm mulling it over. Is she a b-word, a lesbian top... it's a loaded word, especially coming from a woman, and I'm wondering if it was chosen specifically for what it tells us about the MC.

- pg 20: I suspect it’s sucking the minerals out of the ground, which is why we can’t find any  <--- LOL this is not how fungi work

- pg 23: little green and pink fur coats <-- adorable

- pg 35: I'm laughing because fungi make major changes like that all the time

 

[Warmacky Noble-Blooded]

Really enjoyed part 9!  Various typos or wording comments in my inline commentary.  It went by pretty quickly for me as I was engaged in the story and what was happening.  It was interesting to see how you were progressing time 6 months at a time and dropping into a perspective here and there.  I always find it tough to move time forward in big blocks in an effective way when you get to a point where there isn't a ton of new/exciting things happening but I thought your approach was well executed.  The children of J and A feel a bit like set dressing in their sections?  For how all consuming children are, we don't actually see too much of them.  I assume they will be prominent characters in the next book so it would be great to start to get to know their personalities and upbringing a bit.  As per usual, I really enjoyed the settlement politics so the Admin sections are some of my favorites.  Of course the biomass sections are also really interesting to read and decode what it is telling us.  Great job on this one!

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Thanks to @Sarah B, @Silk, @Ace of Hearts, @kais, and @Warmacky!

On 4/27/2022 at 5:16 AM, Sarah B said:

"The children who ate their parents..." comming off of the last section about the first children being born on L, my brain jumped to "Girl With All the Gifts" fungus-zombie children eating the adults and taking over the planet. Figured it out by the end of the paragraph :-) Sure would have been a suprise ending though.

Ha! Yeah, that would have been fun. Not...yet!

On 4/27/2022 at 5:16 AM, Sarah B said:

Sharing the last of his tea with J: This was a really nice touch.

 

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

P8 “the amazing uniqueness of the biomass…” I think I might have made similar comments before, but Ji has a surprisingly sunny view of the future considering everything that’s happened. I wonder if trying this back to Ji’s child more specifically, rather than the abstract hope for the future, might lock down the emotional resonance a little more for the end of this scene?

 

On 5/1/2022 at 0:31 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

-2nd section with Ji is solid and I like her and F. I feel like there should be more communal support for A though, even if she doesn't think it's necessary, just out of necessity given how scarce resources probably are. It feels like they're operating under the 21st century western idea of a nuclear family but that's not really the culture they come from as generationals right?

Great comments on this section. Ji is definitely an optimist, always looking to how she can move tot he next best thing. Tying this more to the kids will definitely happen in the next few sections, but I can add some more here for the emotion.

On communal support for A, I think I need to make this clearer and tie it to her stubbornness as to why she's trying to do it all herself.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

P9 I had kind of forgotten who D was. Might be WRS, but given that we don’t see Ads other than J and her assistant that often, possibly worth a reminder.

Can do

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

P11 “We need our fire stations, our power substations, our educational support structures.” How big are these subsections? Putting all your critical infrastructure in one place seems like a bad idea. Also inconvenient for the people moving through them.

Probably a bad idea, but then the whole colony is at major risk anyway. But yeah, I can adjust this.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

Also, given that A has apparently married and had children with a Gen, I’d be interested to see a reaction shot from them here.
Edit: I see J sort of calls it out here, but then why raise this in front of A at all?
Edit to the edit: Might be worth having J indicate to the reader up front that she’s already discussed this with A.

Check and check. Will address.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

I was kind of wondering how/whether the mods would get passed on ever since it was noted that A was married to a Gen, so glad to see this addressed here.

Yep! It comes up more later as well.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

Did the timestamps change from megaseconds to years and months and I just didn’t notice? I saw the one in the last scene but had assumed it was because it was from J’s point of view.

They changed when the ships landed on the planet!

On 5/2/2022 at 4:51 PM, kais said:

- pg 14: started on their journey, she would have wet her panties <-- 'panties' is an interesting choice here, coming from a female POV. I'm mulling it over. Is she a b-word, a lesbian top... it's a loaded word, especially coming from a woman, and I'm wondering if it was chosen specifically for what it tells us about the MC.

Yes, specifically chosen. I was using this as a bit of a mental power play from J, showing where she thinks of herself in relation to the others.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

P18 “We have the resources to start on B…” Ah. This would be it then. Is this really a surprise to her though? Did she actually come into this meeting expecting to find a solution? If so, making that more clear, and then amping up the emotions from that angle, could be one way to make the scene work.

 

On 5/1/2022 at 0:31 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

-3rd section with Ja didn't quite hit the mark for me. We get a lot of exposition for the admins who are talking but really what I want to know is what motivates their different perspectives and how that leads to conflict. The discussion feels a bit low-stakes right now despite the important matters which makes the whole thing feel like an info dump at times

I'm using these sections as a type of general update to show what's happening at a higher level, but I can up the emotions as well. Hopefully that will make these connect better.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

P20 “I suspect it’s sucking the minerals out of the ground…” Then where did the one vein they found come from?

 

On 5/2/2022 at 4:51 PM, kais said:

- pg 20: I suspect it’s sucking the minerals out of the ground, which is why we can’t find any  <--- LOL this is not how fungi work

Yes, this is something specific to the biomass to enable it to build larger structures. I was assuming it just hadn't finished with the vein they found. There are others around, but much harder to find. I can clean this up.

On 4/27/2022 at 5:16 AM, Sarah B said:

Domestic disturbance: I loved the part with A backing away slowly from the two momma bears. Overall though, this section felt a bit like two combined info dumps. The first about the situation with the Vs, and the second about new food goop. I think maybe it read that way to me because first A gets a call and thinks while traveling, then A shows up and is told something, and then the conflict A was sent to take care of seems to self resolve. 

 

On 5/1/2022 at 0:31 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

-The An section was very engaging for me but again what I really want is for this to come to a head soon which it sounds like it's not going to. I also continue to like An's voice as a total a-hole who is afraid of the masses rising up. Another thought here is that this is one of the first times that (some of) the Gens have actually tried pushing back to get a policy change.

I think I need to dig into this a bit more and up the emotions in the section to get away from the infodump and address Gen complaints more. It won't fully come to a head until much later.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

26 “At least the roads were all paved…” Given the oft-cited dearth of materials… what with?

With handwavium? Wil address.

On 4/30/2022 at 10:39 PM, Silk said:

p29 “...they want me to have as many kids as possible.” Curious to know then whether the Gens are in fact being given free choice about how many kids they raise.

 

On 5/1/2022 at 0:31 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

-Why don't the Admins want communal raising of kids? If anything that should make it easier for them to keep them from developing dangerous ideas in a centralized manner, right?

Part of this is just to keep the Gens busy so they don't have time to revolt or get our of hand. I can make this clearer in J's sections.

On 5/1/2022 at 0:31 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

-Okay so the Ja section after gives me more info on what the F sections were supposed to do. I think what I need more focus on is why they're turning to this now specifically

Noted. I can make it clearer how fast they're running out of materials.

15 hours ago, Warmacky said:

The children of J and A feel a bit like set dressing in their sections?  For how all consuming children are, we don't actually see too much of them.  I assume they will be prominent characters in the next book so it would be great to start to get to know their personalities and upbringing a bit.

Yes, they're sort of NPCs at this point, just because they're so young. But they will play a larger part later, and will also be important in books 2 and 3!

 

On 4/27/2022 at 5:16 AM, Sarah B said:

The overall effect of reading it straight through was a bit like fast forwarding through a movie and hitting play every so often. Sorry, I can't think of a better illustration. But there is a definite sense of accelerating towards the end. 

 

On 5/2/2022 at 4:51 PM, kais said:

The last beat of the sub didn't hold my attention the way the rest did, but I think it's because, narratively speaking, I was looking for the stakes to increase there instead of it being an emotional resonance beat.

 

15 hours ago, Warmacky said:

I always find it tough to move time forward in big blocks in an effective way when you get to a point where there isn't a ton of new/exciting things happening but I thought your approach was well executed. 

It's really interesting reading through the comments on this book in general. Different people like different POVs more, which was what I was hoping. The snapshots of the colony was definitely an experiment on my part, but it seems to be working? The next edit is focusing on upping the emotion and making sure the stakes remain high, so I'll address those points.

Excellent comments from everyone and thanks again for tackling this huge section!

[Silk Shade]

12 hours ago, Mandamon said:

With handwavium? Wil address.

Ah, handwavium, that most abundant of elements.

[shatteredsmooth Son of Honor]

Another great installment! I thought it lagged a bit in the middle / got bogged down with technical stuff, but other readers might find that exciting. 

As I read

I was excited for the fungal POV. I find that absolutely fascinating! 

p.6 "ball and chain" I hoped people would stop using that phrase in the future

p.18 Interesting seeing people consciously make a choice to keep or even foster inequality in their society. That was blatant. Makes me dislike admins. 

p. 22 This las scene was a pretty jargon heavy section. I had to read slow to follow and found myself loosing interest a little. 

Same for the one that ends on page 25. I kept finding myself wanting skim over things, but I can see other readers getting really excited about the construction stuff. 

p.25 Very glad to be back in An's POV!

To me, these are some of the strongest chapters and the ones where the most happens, and this one didn't disappoint. It felt like it had forward motion and made me like An more than I already do. 

p. 36

I care a little more about the building material from Jane’s POV, though after her intentional creation of social classes, I’m less sympathetic to her.

36-39

Nice moment between J and Ag! 

39

Not a bad ending but also not one that leaves me craving the next scene or ready to keep turning the page. 

[Mandamon Midnight Essence]

Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

p.18 Interesting seeing people consciously make a choice to keep or even foster inequality in their society. That was blatant. Makes me dislike admins.

Yep. Definitely fueled from...er...events.

1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

p.25 Very glad to be back in An's POV!

To me, these are some of the strongest chapters and the ones where the most happens, and this one didn't disappoint. It felt like it had forward motion and made me like An more than I already do. 

Lol. Glad you like him! Again, it's really interesting to see who likes which characters. I think between six people responding here everyone has a different POV they like most and least. I hope that means this format is working.

1 hour ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Not a bad ending but also not one that leaves me craving the next scene or ready to keep turning the page.

Yes, @kais mentioned the same thing. I think I need to bulk the last lines up a bit.

[C_Vallion Gyorn]

I'm still doing most of my reading/commenting on my phone in google docs on school buses, so I will send over that document with LBLs and more detailed notes. 

I liked a lot of things in this. The fungus-pov did a great job of stressing the difference between how it views the threat of the colonists (a sort of confusing problem to be figured out, but not a real threat) and how the colonists view it (as a terrifying mushroom-monster).  And I am always a little cynically amused that the poor fungus-being is just sort of trying to go about its life and adjust to the annoying unexpected creatures while humanity is fighting for its existence.

I also really enjoyed F 's unconvincing "I have no emotional attachment to this baby. For real. But here's some stuff for them, and let me know if you need anything and..." 

Unfortunately, I'm still bouncing really hard off of J's pov. I like the idea of having a sort of antagonistic viewpoint from the admins, and proof of their incompetence in actually running the colony, but we spend a lot of time in J's pov to watch a bunch of incompetent people discuss things they don't understand.

J clearly views herself as the mastermind behind the whole operation, but I'm not convinced that she would be able to hold her own if any real conflict broke out among the admins.  She clings to her power, but I haven't seen any real sign that there's anyone interested in taking it away from her, or that they wouldn't succeed if they tried. 
There's a bit of conflict with M here, which is something, but even though M seems to be horrified by the ideas J proposes, she doesn't push back at all. J approaches the topic in a roundabout way as if to trick M into talking about something she'd get really angry about if approached bluntly (while also taking mental cheap shots at M), and once M picks up on J's idea, she is disgusted and mortified, but just...goes on with the meeting. 

On 5/4/2022 at 10:50 AM, Mandamon said:

On 5/2/2022 at 4:51 PM, kais said:

- pg 14: started on their journey, she would have wet her panties <-- 'panties' is an interesting choice here, coming from a female POV. I'm mulling it over. Is she a b-word, a lesbian top... it's a loaded word, especially coming from a woman, and I'm wondering if it was chosen specifically for what it tells us about the MC.

Yes, specifically chosen. I was using this as a bit of a mental power play from J, showing where she thinks of herself in relation to the others.

Maybe I've spent too much time among high school boys swearing to seem tough over the past couple months, but while this line does tell me about the way J thinks of herself compared to the others, it makes it even harder for me to take her competence seriously. And if she's not competent, the fact that the other admins are blindly following her reflects lack of competence on their part. And if none of them have any real grasp on how to lead the colony or deal with issues that arise, I'm not sure why we spend so much time in meetings with them.  
I want them to be a competent antagonistic force (even if they are clueless when it comes to actually creating a decent society in the colony), and I want to see J as the power-grasping mastermind manipulating them to her will (even if C is the real knowledge/power behind the title), but it's just not coming together for me. 

Really enjoyed the An section. Seeing the eye-opening moment of the different levels of society interacting is fun, and it's fun to see An out of his element in trying to manage the dispute.

I also like the building materials discussion (surprise, surprise). And my suspicion that it could very well overcome F's work (sorry, F. I trust you, but you've all proven you're way out of your depth here. Otherwise we wouldn't have a story) to reconnect with the rest of the fungus to turn their structures into sentient homes is apparently enough tension to silence the nit-picky part of my brain that might whine about production methods and such.