Oct 31 - Yados - Black Magic, Blacker Deeds Chapter 2

[Yados]

First Chapter:

Till is a Black Magician. He is sometimes happy about this but usually not. It means he has to deal with pompous bureaucrats who want the world and think all they have to do to get it is pay. But it is more complicated than that. Everything is complicated now. Things were much simpler when Till was a criminal.

Second Chapter:

What you are reading.

[recovering_cynic]

Now this chapter, this I like. The interaction between Till and Surr is well done and believable. I wouldn't change much if anything about their interaction. I can feel the story there, and it is good.

There are some other things though. In the beginning, at least, it was hard to swallow the fact that Till has created a dump just to feel nostalgia. Once his dead wife was mentioned though, it started making sense and I accepted it. Perhaps there should be a hint of sadness/memory of her built into his earlier contemplations? This isn't a huge thing, but it did bother me a little. It didn't make believable sense until the wife was mentioned.

The only thing I would definitely change is the two pages worth of info-dump about the city's origins and the history of the wars. It was more confusing than interesting and it really didn't make sense for Till to be thinking about it in such great detail. I'd cut it down to a paragraph or two, the most important bits, and find a way to link it logically to either Till's recent encounter with the baker or his anticipation of going to the Rat's Remains.

Good work. I enjoyed it.

[Yados]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked this chapter.

I'm definitely moving Ga-Vern's origin to later. That began as a bit to set up "the best thing about wealth" but then prompty got out of hand.

I'll probably replace that segment with something a bit more descriptive and involved w/ Till moving from one area of his district to the more impoverished district. It'll also give me a place to mention Ayami, if briefly, so she doesn't pop out of nowhere.

[cjhuitt]

I agree with cynic on this chapter. I thought that overall it did a few things quite well. First, it showed both that Tell had money, and what he did with the money. (I agree a mention of Ayami earlier would help.) Second, I really liked the creation process of Tell doing his sketches. It started off a touch awkwardly, but by the time he was sketching possible creatures for Cern, I was into it. Third, the interaction between Surr and Tell was well-done.

I thought you set up the end fairly well also, although I expected the red-hooded man to just keeping an eye on either Tell or Surr, not looking for an assassination.

I can only come up with one possible nit-pick right now, and that is with the overall mood of the piece. With how Tell reacts to Cern, how the bar is presented as Tell's way of keeping his past alive, and how Surr acts and reacts to the assassin, this seems to be setting up a lighthearted adventure. On the other hand, if you were to ask me right now what the character arc for Tell is, I would guess getting over the loss of Ayami and starting to move on with his life again, instead of spending his time being brusque with clients and drinking at his recreated bar. There is a contrast between the tone I would expect for that starting point and the nearly comedic tone in the piece so far. I like the tone quite a bit, but you might want to be careful that the tone at the beginning doesn't overshadow whatever plans you have for Tell's character arc.

[Asmodemon]

I’m going to concur with the others, the first two pages of info-dump definitely need to go.

Good news is I’m getting to like Till more, his mourning of his wife gives him the sympathetic edge his character needs.

I am wondering where the story is going, after the prologue Till hasn’t been doing that much of interest (rebuff a client, drink and sketch in a bar). For now I don’t mind, after the hectic events of the prologue it’s nice to see Till and Surr in a normal situation, but I do want more to happen soon. The assassination might be it, though I have never heard of an assassin as inept as this one – who lets himself be seen like that. That’s not an assassin, that’s more like a scout – which holds its own possibilities if it is a scout.

Nice chapter, interesting location and the interaction between Till and Surr worked really well. Like last chapter the language is a little rough here and there, with missing words and the like, but overall very enjoyable.