Nathrangking

Nath's poetry corner

34 posts in this topic

There may already be a poetry corner, but I'm going for something different here @Channelknight Fadran has his writing tips so I decided to take a page out of his book so to speak. People have asked me about writing poetry in the past so here is where I make good on that. I can provide tip, offer challenges and prompts be challenged and have discussions, improve people's skills or just have a fun time! 

Tip #1 Let your passion be your muse.

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5 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Tip #1 Let your passion be your muse.

ez i've been doing that for years!!

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26 minutes ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

ez i've been doing that for years!!

I agree with you there, but that first step can sometimes be daunting for those who want to write.

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That is true. So if I may, tip #1.5, experiment. Get crazy. Find your style! And own it!

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Tip #11: generally ignore any poetry advice that Fadran might have for you

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1 hour ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

That is true. So if I may, tip #1.5, experiment. Get crazy. Find your style! And own it!

Wise advice indeed!!Perhaps this thread will attract some sharders and help them do just that.

27 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Tip #11: generally ignore any poetry advice that Fadran might have for you

11? Where did 11 come from? Also that's kind of why this exists to begin with.

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11 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

Wise advice indeed!!Perhaps this thread will attract some sharders and help them do just that.

40 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Fingers crossed!!

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Posted (edited)

Here's to hoping that this thread picks up traction. @DramaQueen @Elf @Condensation this might be your speed.

Tip #2 There is no wrong type of poetry. Don't let people fool you into thinking that you need to write sonnets like Shakespeare poems are informed by form, but that form is totally up to you.

If anyone is interested here is a challenge 

 Summer

Vibrant lilies grow.   

A warm stillness hug tightly.

Let's take a swim.

This is one of my early haiku take a line and build your own haiku around it. Share it and we can discuss it.

Edited by Nathrangking
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Posted (edited)

Hope

A field of flowers

Lilies of the valley shine

Brightening each face.

Edited by Condensation
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Winter

Flowers are wilting

The snow continues to fall

People hunker down

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Ocean

Unique, salty air

Cold water refreshes you

No one can resist

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As this is not a class on the history of poetry forms or art appreciation I will not rant and rave on that front. Well done on the poem!! I put out three of these a week at a minimum so I can appreciate the skill that it takes to create one. Now on to my ramblings. 

12 hours ago, Condensation said:

A field of flowers

Lilies of the valley shine

Brightening each face.

There is something hopeful and invigorating about the images. The glowing lilies are a nice touch! What is it called? A name helps set expectations and balances the poem. It might also add clarity to that final line about faces being brightened. 

11 hours ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

Winter

Flowers are wilting

The snow continues to fall

People hunker down

As a mentor once said there is something so cleansing about snow. You can feel nature taking its toll on the world. The images are solid! That said the first two lines seem to advance time faster than the last. Your last line delivers the emotional weight of the Haiku. Consider how events are playing out and see if the images work in the grand scheme of the punchline as it were. 

11 hours ago, Morningtide said:

Ocean

Unique, salty air

Cold water refreshes you

No one can resist

 The premise is interesting. It's rather curious in its description and end goal. There is something curious about it that's hard to pin down. Though it could be tied together a little more tightly. The middle line is key to the poem and should be the pivot point of the poem. Therefore getting it to match with the rest is going effect how much of an impact the poem has. 

All in all well done!

Tip #3 Lose yourself in the art it will help the words flow. Listen to music, sit in nature, put on noise canceling headphones etc... 

Challenge me and critique my work. Pick one element each that I should incorporate into a poem and I'll choose the poem type. I'll create it and then post it for your review.

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Not a haiku, but more freestyle. Hope that's ok.

Love

Love is wanting to spend forever, together.

Love is wanting everything, forever, together.

Love is wanting happiness, forever, together.

Love is wanting them, forever, together.

Poem :)

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On 4/18/2022 at 11:01 PM, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

Not a haiku, but more freestyle. Hope that's ok.

Love

Love is wanting to spend forever, together.

Love is wanting everything, forever, together.

Love is wanting happiness, forever, together.

Love is wanting them, forever, together.

Poem :)

I approve. What it lacks in imagery it makes up for in pathos.

Tip #4 Form can impact the emotions that the poem conveys.

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Posted (edited)

I know this is certainly amateur, but I'm experimenting a bit with euphony and cacophony

Autumn

Alluring and awaiting for the winds to blow

The golden glittering tree-leaves go

Tearing and chattering and screaming a-flow

Challenged and slain, by the singers of snow

 

edit: also oops just saw this was supposed to be a haiku... ah well

Edited by Scarletfox
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8 hours ago, Scarletfox said:

edit: also oops just saw this was supposed to be a haiku... ah well

eh. i did a haiku then kinda did something else. nath doesn't mind as long as it's poetry (i think)

anyway. Oooo, ok thats a really good poem. It seems to start off slow and sweet, but then gets chaotic. Great imagery and personification and all that fun stuff :D You've got a knack for this!

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9 hours ago, Scarletfox said:

I know this is certainly amateur, but I'm experimenting a bit with euphony and cacophony

Autumn

Alluring and awaiting for the winds to blow

The golden glittering tree-leaves go

Tearing and chattering and screaming a-flow

Challenged and slain, by the singers of snow

 

edit: also oops just saw this was supposed to be a haiku... ah well

Amateur Fox? Really? As a mentor recently told me there is no such thing. Even Emily Dickinson could be considered amateur depending on the bar that one uses. 

I started with Haiku here as an example to start working with, but it does not have to be one. Between us I much prefer experimental or freestyle to Haiku. 

There is a subtlety to the start and a building anticipation which then breaks loose. I like that! The color and sound are grabbing! I especially like how the noise builds and then our expectations are broken. Well done Fox! I'm not particularly a fan of rhymes. The end rhymes work though in line three it feels a bit forced. The use of alliteration was nice, but I wonder how much more effective it might be if the use through the four lines were consistent. I'm curious about the first line how does the allure and awaiting fit with what you presented next? Overall it was an interesting and attention grabbing piece! 

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1 hour ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

anyway. Oooo, ok thats a really good poem. It seems to start off slow and sweet, but then gets chaotic. Great imagery and personification and all that fun stuff :D You've got a knack for this!

thanks!!

48 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

There is a subtlety to the start and a building anticipation which then breaks loose. I like that! The color and sound are grabbing! I especially like how the noise builds and then our expectations are broken. Well done Fox! I'm not particularly a fan of rhymes. The end rhymes work though in line three it feels a bit forced. The use of alliteration was nice, but I wonder how much more effective it might be if the use through the four lines were consistent. I'm curious about the first line how does the allure and awaiting fit with what you presented next? Overall it was an interesting and attention grabbing piece! 

I agree, I think the rhymes could definitely use some improvement - I wasn't intending on using alliteration, but ended up doing it anyways, the hope was for the sound of the lines to flow and/or clash - for example, alluring and awaiting for the winds to blow. I hoped for line three to be a clash of sounds, however I don't think I quite have it right yet. I tried to set it up like it was going one way, and then contrast it by going the other way, but I think it ended up just not making much sense :P

 

Winter's Conquest (try two from earlier)

Frosted tears on the trembling defenders,

Let go at last by their former lenders,

Tearing and chattering and screaming they go

Challenged and slain by the singers of snow

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Posted (edited)

I wrote a sonnet a while ago for a competition (I didn't place lol), any feedback?

Spoiler

You voyage into the bright light of day

And long to reach that ne'er before sought land

Where bare a touch, and there you'll always stay

And there your thoughts and dreams fore'er expand

 

It can't be found on map, but in your mind

The way grows clear, you know where you must go

You travel through all things, and then you find

A place wherein all things you somehow know

 

A place where those you love are always near

A place where pain and guilt refuse to be

A place where you no longer feel fear

And in this place, you'll fin'lly be with me

 

Come taste my sweet, intoxicating breath

Come have a taste of what they all call Death

I also wrote a dinosaur poem that makes me childishly giddy

Spoiler

Diplodocus plods along

Pterodactyl's terrific in flight

Stegosaurus is sweet but strong

And T-Rex is all ready to fight

 

Velociraptor is small and fast

Plesiosaur swims, small tail, long neck

Parasaurolophus' head thing is vast

And Triceratops is cool as heck

 

Pachisepholosaurus

Certainly lives up to its name

All the dinosaurs that came before us

Deserve tons upon tons of fame

Annnnd...also a poem I wrote over a year ago that I've been wanting to rewrite cuz it's kind of repetitive and scattered. It's really friggin long

Spoiler

If I told you I promised I’d always love you

Would you return the words and say you love me too?

And would you promise to stay by my side,

Never alone, with me ‘till we died?

Would you promise anything, or are you too afraid

Of being bound by all the promises you made?

You long to be free, flying high through your life.

Would I tie you down by becoming your wife?

You’d be linked to me, two birds chained together,

Always by my side, always and forever.

A promise is kept, and if it is broken,

It scars your soul, you’re fin'lly awoken

From the dreams you had, the dreams you dreamed,

You’ll find your life to be sadder than it seemed.

Flying free sounds beautiful, it’s what you always wanted.

But if you fly alone, the freedom will be haunted. 

You say you love me, I know it to be true

Otherwise why would I be here with you?

I have dreams too, things I want to be,

But I would like to be them with you right next to me.

What are dreams if they’re not shared,

What are vulnerabilities if they’re never bared?

If someone knows your weaknesses, they’ll show you your strengths

That might defeat those weaknesses, length by length by length.

Let me be your armor, I’ll never let you bleed.

And would you be mine in return, the strength that I need?

Would you make a promise, let yourself be tied down,

If I promised you I’d never let you drown?

Instead I’ll help you fly, we can soar side by side

Unless we find out that one of us lied.

If we break our promises, the loss will soon be death.

From flying free and easy, we’ll take our final breath.

Not from life itself, but from love, nearly the same,

Love is built of promises, not of pieces of a game.

I’m willing to promise, to risk my life of love,

I’ll promise on everything, the seas to stars above.

But I‘ll never promise that our life will be sane,

It’s those crazy moments that have the greatest gain.

There will be times the promise bends, but it will never break,

I will not ever hurt you, never cause your heart to ache.

All I ask is that you make a promise with me.

Just say you’ll stay by my side, and never ever flee.

Then we can fly, free together, through the road of life,

I won’t hurt you, you won’t hurt me, no one hides a knife.

We can live our dreams together, I can’t imagine it differently

My dreams can’t come true for me if you aren’t there to see.

You’re a part of them, my dreams and you are one and the same,

The only difference between the two are the letters in your name.

Live my dreams with me, I’ll live your dreams with you,

And though I can’t promise life will never be blue,

I can promise I’ll be there if things go south,

All I ask from you is two words from your mouth.

“I promise” is all I ask, two words that mean so much

Those two words, and if we break, we’ll be each other's crutch.

We can fly together, the chain holding us side by side

Will never cause an issue if we put it there with pride.

We’ll build that chain, link by link, completely willingly,

Then fly through life, fly away, fly so thrillingly.

So say those words, I beg of you, I ask of you, I plead,

For, my love, your promise is all I’ll ever need.

I’ll sign a contract, join our lives, I’ll use my blood as ink,

To prove that ours is a boat we'll never ever sink.

You’ll be free, but not alone, we’ll be free as one,

Knowing that our life together has scarcely begun.

Will you fly with me?

Promise me?

Be with me?

Because you know,

I will.

I do.

I’ll go.

 

Edited by DramaQueen
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Queen, you gonna make me start cryin with that last one oh my gosh bro.

Like-

Dude.

Words can't describe how beautiful that poem was. I just- Oh my gosh. 

Bro you've literally inspired me im gonna go write smth now dude-

*walks away* dude, that's so pretty oh my goodness.

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Oh, thank you!! Hopefully it'll be better if I ever get around to editing it and making it more organized and less repetitive ^_^:P

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I see your sonnet and until I have time to read all of the poems thoroughly here is a string of three.

46 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

I wrote a sonnet a while ago for a competition (I didn't place lol), any feedback?

  Reveal hidden contents

You voyage into the bright light of day

And long to reach that ne'er before sought land

Where bare a touch, and there you'll always stay

And there your thoughts and dreams fore'er expand

 

It can't be found on map, but in your mind

The way grows clear, you know where you must go

You travel through all things, and then you find

A place wherein all things you somehow know

 

A place where those you love are always near

A place where pain and guilt refuse to be

A place where you no longer feel fear

And in this place, you'll fin'lly be with me

 

Come taste my sweet, intoxicating breath

Come have a taste of what they all call Death

I also wrote a dinosaur poem that makes me childishly giddy

  Reveal hidden contents

Diplodocus plods along

Pterodactyl's terrific in flight

Stegosaurus is sweet but strong

And T-Rex is all ready to fight

 

Velociraptor is small and fast

Plesiosaur swims, small tail, long neck

Parasaurolophus' head thing is vast

And Triceratops is cool as heck

 

Pachisepholosaurus

Certainly lives up to its name

All the dinosaurs that came before us

Deserve tons upon tons of fame

Annnnd...also a poem I wrote over a year ago that I've been wanting to rewrite cuz it's kind of repetitive and scattered. It's really friggin long

  Reveal hidden contents

If I told you I promised I’d always love you

Would you return the words and say you love me too?

And would you promise to stay by my side,

Never alone, with me ‘till we died?

Would you promise anything, or are you too afraid

Of being bound by all the promises you made?

You long to be free, flying high through your life.

Would I tie you down by becoming your wife?

You’d be linked to me, two birds chained together,

Always by my side, always and forever.

A promise is kept, and if it is broken,

It scars your soul, you’re fin'lly awoken

From the dreams you had, the dreams you dreamed,

You’ll find your life to be sadder than it seemed.

Flying free sounds beautiful, it’s what you always wanted.

But if you fly alone, the freedom will be haunted. 

You say you love me, I know it to be true

Otherwise why would I be here with you?

I have dreams too, things I want to be,

But I would like to be them with you right next to me.

What are dreams if they’re not shared,

What are vulnerabilities if they’re never bared?

If someone knows your weaknesses, they’ll show you your strengths

That might defeat those weaknesses, length by length by length.

Let me be your armor, I’ll never let you bleed.

And would you be mine in return, the strength that I need?

Would you make a promise, let yourself be tied down,

If I promised you I’d never let you drown?

Instead I’ll help you fly, we can soar side by side

Unless we find out that one of us lied.

If we break our promises, the loss will soon be death.

From flying free and easy, we’ll take our final breath.

Not from life itself, but from love, nearly the same,

Love is built of promises, not of pieces of a game.

I’m willing to promise, to risk my life of love,

I’ll promise on everything, the seas to stars above.

But I‘ll never promise that our life will be sane,

It’s those crazy moments that have the greatest gain.

There will be times the promise bends, but it will never break,

I will not ever hurt you, never cause your heart to ache.

All I ask is that you make a promise with me.

Just say you’ll stay by my side, and never ever flee.

Then we can fly, free together, through the road of life,

I won’t hurt you, you won’t hurt me, no one hides a knife.

We can live our dreams together, I can’t imagine it differently

My dreams can’t come true for me if you aren’t there to see.

You’re a part of them, my dreams and you are one and the same,

The only difference between the two are the letters in your name.

Live my dreams with me, I’ll live your dreams with you,

And though I can’t promise life will never be blue,

I can promise I’ll be there if things go south,

All I ask from you is two words from your mouth.

“I promise” is all I ask, two words that mean so much

Those two words, and if we break, we’ll be each other's crutch.

We can fly together, the chain holding us side by side

Will never cause an issue if we put it there with pride.

We’ll build that chain, link by link, completely willingly,

Then fly through life, fly away, fly so thrillingly.

So say those words, I beg of you, I ask of you, I plead,

For, my love, your promise is all I’ll ever need.

I’ll sign a contract, join our lives, I’ll use my blood as ink,

To prove that ours is a boat we'll never ever sink.

You’ll be free, but not alone, we’ll be free as one,

Knowing that our life together has scarcely begun.

Will you fly with me?

Promise me?

Be with me?

Because you know,

I will.

I do.

I’ll go.

 

 

52 minutes ago, Scarletfox said:

thanks!!

I agree, I think the rhymes could definitely use some improvement - I wasn't intending on using alliteration, but ended up doing it anyways, the hope was for the sound of the lines to flow and/or clash - for example, alluring and awaiting for the winds to blow. I hoped for line three to be a clash of sounds, however I don't think I quite have it right yet. I tried to set it up like it was going one way, and then contrast it by going the other way, but I think it ended up just not making much sense :P

 

Winter's Conquest (try two from earlier)

Frosted tears on the trembling defenders,

Let go at last by their former lenders,

Tearing and chattering and screaming they go

Challenged and slain by the singers of snow

 

28 minutes ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

Queen, you gonna make me start cryin with that last one oh my gosh bro.

Like-

Dude.

Words can't describe how beautiful that poem was. I just- Oh my gosh. 

Bro you've literally inspired me im gonna go write smth now dude-

*walks away* dude, that's so pretty oh my goodness.

 

enl 267 sonnets.pdf

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Ok, I am not super proud of this, I wanted it to be longer, but I couldn't do anything else with it. Personally, I still think it's alright.

How To Tell You

I’ve been rehearsing for weeks

How to tell you that you make me weak

I don’t mind that I’m weak, because you also make me strong

And I really don’t want to say this wrong

How to say ‘I want you’

How to say ‘I need you’

How to say ‘I love you’

It’s hard to put into words

Which is why this poem is taking forever to form words.

At least I’m honest, though

There you go, I guess. Feedback appreciated!!!

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On 4/27/2022 at 6:46 PM, Scarletfox said:

thanks!!

I agree, I think the rhymes could definitely use some improvement - I wasn't intending on using alliteration, but ended up doing it anyways, the hope was for the sound of the lines to flow and/or clash - for example, alluring and awaiting for the winds to blow. I hoped for line three to be a clash of sounds, however I don't think I quite have it right yet. I tried to set it up like it was going one way, and then contrast it by going the other way, but I think it ended up just not making much sense :P

 

Winter's Conquest (try two from earlier)

Frosted tears on the trembling defenders,

Let go at last by their former lenders,

Tearing and chattering and screaming they go

Challenged and slain by the singers of snow

The images hold my attention. They are nice and sharp. Your couplet are a nice touch. There is a sharp contrast in image at the end of the first couplet. The image is much vaguer than the rest of the poem and I wonder about how it matches the poem's internal logic. If you can find a way to perhaps align the logic a bit more then the poem may well be flawless! It is well written.

On 4/27/2022 at 6:52 PM, DramaQueen said:

I wrote a sonnet a while ago for a competition (I didn't place lol), any feedback?

  Reveal hidden contents

You voyage into the bright light of day

And long to reach that ne'er before sought land

Where bare a touch, and there you'll always stay

And there your thoughts and dreams fore'er expand

 

It can't be found on map, but in your mind

The way grows clear, you know where you must go

You travel through all things, and then you find

A place wherein all things you somehow know

 

A place where those you love are always near

A place where pain and guilt refuse to be

A place where you no longer feel fear

And in this place, you'll fin'lly be with me

 

Come taste my sweet, intoxicating breath

Come have a taste of what they all call Death

I also wrote a dinosaur poem that makes me childishly giddy

  Reveal hidden contents

Diplodocus plods along

Pterodactyl's terrific in flight

Stegosaurus is sweet but strong

And T-Rex is all ready to fight

 

Velociraptor is small and fast

Plesiosaur swims, small tail, long neck

Parasaurolophus' head thing is vast

And Triceratops is cool as heck

 

Pachisepholosaurus

Certainly lives up to its name

All the dinosaurs that came before us

Deserve tons upon tons of fame

Annnnd...also a poem I wrote over a year ago that I've been wanting to rewrite cuz it's kind of repetitive and scattered. It's really friggin long

  Reveal hidden contents

If I told you I promised I’d always love you

Would you return the words and say you love me too?

And would you promise to stay by my side,

Never alone, with me ‘till we died?

Would you promise anything, or are you too afraid

Of being bound by all the promises you made?

You long to be free, flying high through your life.

Would I tie you down by becoming your wife?

You’d be linked to me, two birds chained together,

Always by my side, always and forever.

A promise is kept, and if it is broken,

It scars your soul, you’re fin'lly awoken

From the dreams you had, the dreams you dreamed,

You’ll find your life to be sadder than it seemed.

Flying free sounds beautiful, it’s what you always wanted.

But if you fly alone, the freedom will be haunted. 

You say you love me, I know it to be true

Otherwise why would I be here with you?

I have dreams too, things I want to be,

But I would like to be them with you right next to me.

What are dreams if they’re not shared,

What are vulnerabilities if they’re never bared?

If someone knows your weaknesses, they’ll show you your strengths

That might defeat those weaknesses, length by length by length.

Let me be your armor, I’ll never let you bleed.

And would you be mine in return, the strength that I need?

Would you make a promise, let yourself be tied down,

If I promised you I’d never let you drown?

Instead I’ll help you fly, we can soar side by side

Unless we find out that one of us lied.

If we break our promises, the loss will soon be death.

From flying free and easy, we’ll take our final breath.

Not from life itself, but from love, nearly the same,

Love is built of promises, not of pieces of a game.

I’m willing to promise, to risk my life of love,

I’ll promise on everything, the seas to stars above.

But I‘ll never promise that our life will be sane,

It’s those crazy moments that have the greatest gain.

There will be times the promise bends, but it will never break,

I will not ever hurt you, never cause your heart to ache.

All I ask is that you make a promise with me.

Just say you’ll stay by my side, and never ever flee.

Then we can fly, free together, through the road of life,

I won’t hurt you, you won’t hurt me, no one hides a knife.

We can live our dreams together, I can’t imagine it differently

My dreams can’t come true for me if you aren’t there to see.

You’re a part of them, my dreams and you are one and the same,

The only difference between the two are the letters in your name.

Live my dreams with me, I’ll live your dreams with you,

And though I can’t promise life will never be blue,

I can promise I’ll be there if things go south,

All I ask from you is two words from your mouth.

“I promise” is all I ask, two words that mean so much

Those two words, and if we break, we’ll be each other's crutch.

We can fly together, the chain holding us side by side

Will never cause an issue if we put it there with pride.

We’ll build that chain, link by link, completely willingly,

Then fly through life, fly away, fly so thrillingly.

So say those words, I beg of you, I ask of you, I plead,

For, my love, your promise is all I’ll ever need.

I’ll sign a contract, join our lives, I’ll use my blood as ink,

To prove that ours is a boat we'll never ever sink.

You’ll be free, but not alone, we’ll be free as one,

Knowing that our life together has scarcely begun.

Will you fly with me?

Promise me?

Be with me?

Because you know,

I will.

I do.

I’ll go.

 

Let's start with the sonnet. It has an old world pre-modern feel to it. I like that! Some of the images are so vivid while others are simply not as effective. If you keep pounding away with the images then the journey that you are attempting to take us on will be much more interesting. Another thing which takes away from the power of the poem is the repeated use of a place. Take us there Queenie! We want to experience this place. However you have to let us in first. It's an interesting read for sure. There is however room to create an ever more vivid trip.

The dinosaur poem is cute. It does not really grab my attention. I'll admit that I kind of rushed through it because there were no stakes. I'm not driven to feel anything by it. While the cuteness factor is something, but I was not sure what the poem was trying to accomplish. If you can give us more clarity then the poem will surely grab me more than it does currently.

The last one is haunting. It touches me deeply. The melancholy and doubt is palpable throughout.  There is a longing so mighty that reaches for my spirit as though to steal it. It's neither too long or repetitive though the last three lines were distracting and broke the magic. These images were very realistic. It was well done! 

6 minutes ago, Doomslug The Destroyer said:

Ok, I am not super proud of this, I wanted it to be longer, but I couldn't do anything else with it. Personally, I still think it's alright.

How To Tell You

I’ve been rehearsing for weeks

How to tell you that you make me weak

I don’t mind that I’m weak, because you also make me strong

And I really don’t want to say this wrong

How to say ‘I want you’

How to say ‘I need you’

How to say ‘I love you’

It’s hard to put into words

Which is why this poem is taking forever to form words.

At least I’m honest, though

There you go, I guess. Feedback appreciated!!!

Well on the bright side self awareness is good. On the other hand there were few images here and it feels forced in places. Let the emotions spill onto the page conjure images and show me weakness and strength. Reveal to me your longing and lack of description. That will bring these words to life. Otherwise what we have is a bit flat and 2 dimensional. 

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Dino poem is really just meant to be cute. It's not supposed to have any other meaning. I just like dinosaurs.

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