Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
RedBeardRaven

Reading Excuses 10/25/2011 -RedBeardRaven - A Brother that Should [L]

4 posts in this topic

Here is a short story that I wrote for a writing contest (no prizes) on reddit. The prompt is "Describe, depict, or capture a single human emotion. It's broad, so get creative!"

If you do actually like this story please vote for me by putting a comment under my submission in the link below. Thank you for reading!

http://www.reddit.com/r/WritersGroup/comments/lmboa/r_writersgroup_contest_2_submissions/

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm... Alright, I am trying to figure out what to say about this piece. I guess the story didn't really work for me, but that's just me. It's my personal preference so feel free to disregard my opinion if other people liked it. Regardless, here's why it didn't work for me: It's short fiction, which is diffcult to pull off successfully. I guess, the main problem with the story is the lack of concrete images really. The whole story is told rather than shown, which makes it hard to get into (at least for me). The whole thing felt a bit detached, like we were being related a story that had happened in some distant time past that no longer mattered. The prose is very flowery, beautiful at times, but at other times wordy to the point of distraction. I guess, when I read it, I saw words rather than people I should care about.

I really didn't want to be too harsh on this piece. The prose really is beautiful in places--you write well. I just couldn't get into it for the reasons stated above.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read skimmed your description before reading the piece, then went back and read the description again after. Looking back on it, I'm guessing the feeling you were going for was envy. That said, you might anticipate one point of criticism from the fact I'm guessing, rather than knowing.

It seemed like you tried to get some concrete details in there, but the most I'm really left with is a pair of fights/contests over hot coals. I didn't think I had enough knowledge about them to know what the stakes were, or anything like that, so I wasn't involved in the contests. I also found the timeline confusing, although looking back at the piece I'm assuming Tronno is watching the contest and reflecting on his own contest in the past.

I'm not sure what other sort of advice or feedback to give. Like cynic, I though the prose was well done in parts. It might do better moved to more of a freestyle-poem type of piece, if you can get a rhythm or pacing to it that adds to the effect you want. Alternatively, perhaps with a bit more to anchor us to Tronno's viewpoint and thought process at the beginning, the rest would read better. I'm just really not sure.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cynic and cjhuitt- I appreciate your comments! Thank you.

This story was more(or less) meant to follow a guide of purple prose. This was not designated by anyone besides myself. When I sat down and started writing (without planning) I felt good about the flow of how the first couple of paragraphs came out. From there I just continued with it taking it for fun and just writing without going back to nit pick at anything unless I could change it to something more fluid.

@cjhuitt - The way that I wrote this was more of a flash through (and with) Tronno as he lived his life. I skipped the majority of the boring parts and kept to the things that his brother did better than him. That or the falling outs that he had. I apologize if it was a bit confusing.

Thank you both for your insight!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.