C_Vallion

11.22.2021 - C_Vallion - Price of Peace- Chapter 18 - RevA - L - 4143 Words

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Hello All!

Happy Thanksgiving to those in the US.  And a more general happy mid-November to all :)

One more chapter to go in Part 2!

One retconned detail to mention for this chapter.  Planning to shift Ali's earlier focus to have more involvement in the court’s social events.  I haven’t figured out where exactly that will put her early goals and motivations yet, but I think I want her arc to more clearly start at being frustrated with her family, then stepping up toward trying to hold them together.

Other notes for this chapter.  I made some adjustments to it that required some changes to the timeline of this section, but haven’t carried those through yet, so there may be further retcons in the next few chapters adjusting who learns what here.

Content Warning: mild language

Questions:

  1. Anything coming across as confusing and in need of clarification?
  2. Do the characters’ actions/motivations/thought processes seem to fit?
  3. Any particular spots where the emotional through-line is especially off? I know my first drafts are always a little lacking on that front, but knowing what specific spots don’t seem to be hitting right is helpful.
  4. Points of interest or engagement?
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Oh I'm the first one after over a week? ...I feel bad that you had to wait this long with no feedback. My anxiety would be killing me lol. 

As I go:

pg 1. Trying to remember if I should know C. Anyways I'm always game for an awkward crush/romance which this... seems like it could be? Idk. 

pg 2. Though if it's going to get interrupted like that I'm not totally sure what I'm supposed to take from that or where my attention is supposed to be. That being said if this is going to mostly be pure fantasy you might not want to linger on the relationship stuff too long even though that's what I would want to see, so maybe this is okay. 

pg 3. This is not relevant to like anything at all but I'm curious what the gender norms are and how common it is to have a woman guard like C. So far as I understand the place is pretty explicitly patriarchal, right? Since R is the crown prince despite not being the king's kid. Anyways that isn't a criticism and maybe doesn't need to be explored but I am curious. 

pg 4. I think Ali is suffering from some of the same stuff that was mentioned about Ala in part 1; namely not being allowed to be a super active character while the other royals are doing important royal stuff. 

pg 5. Magical contact boxes are cool

pg 6. Ooh Ali actually stands up to V! If she's the one character who gets to stand up to him then that makes her more interesting to me. Well I guess one of two counting R which is part of why I like R so much I think. 

pg 7. All right now I feel like I should know exactly what they're talking about. Something to do with magic probably but I think it might help to spell out exactly what Is--n did that's getting them to react this way. 

pg 9. This is a good way of pushing Ali's motivations into something plot-relevant 

pg 10. Oh yay I get to see more of R in the future since he's going with Ali

On 11/22/2021 at 11:49 AM, C_Vallion said:
  • Anything coming across as confusing and in need of clarification?
  • Do the characters’ actions/motivations/thought processes seem to fit?
  • Any particular spots where the emotional through-line is especially off? I know my first drafts are always a little lacking on that front, but knowing what specific spots don’t seem to be hitting right is helpful.
  • Points of interest or engagement?

1. Mostly just the point of what exactly Is--n did. Also I wasn't totally clear on what Ali is doing with the boxes 

2. Yep! Even though I was confused a bit the characters kept it real which really helped

3. Tbh I'm someone who thinks commenting on the emotion in a piece is pretty useless since I think if the emotions hit right is better explained by fundamental story dynamics. In this case, I think it's really solid overall since (*drum roll for the fundamental story dynamic*) Ali is allowed to be an active character in the face of the most powerful person in the story. It's what I like about R and now it's what I like about Ali. As for what didn't grip me, the scene at the very beginning didn't really do a ton for me. Really it's as soon as Ali starts arguing against V that I think the emotion works. 

4. Ali standing up to V, as I've mentioned before. I think V being the antagonist in her story like it currently feels is a great way to go. They both care about the family but that causes them to want different things, and Ali has to navigate around the king to get what she wants. That makes her conflict especially engaging and I want to see V continue to stand in her way and Ali continue to persevere despite him. If anything I think it's more interesting than R's views of V because Ali isn't as angry with him and cares about him more (or at least more explicitly), so she has to be more precise and delicate in how she approaches the situation. Looking forward to more. :) 

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