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Found 17 results

  1. TW violence for someone getting turned into a mannequin Hi All, I'm working on a revise and resubmit with a literary agent for my middle grade novel, Junk Junction, which I sent through this group in Summer 2020. So some of you have read an older version of this, but it's been a while. Because I have limited words and limited time, I'm not sending the first few chapters. I'm happy with those (I think). Instead, I'm starting with Ch. 4, which is 15 pages in, and right at my inciting incident. This is a section where I made some more significant changes, and I want to see how they work. The revision has been mostly focused on pacing and character reactions, so I'd love feedback on those elements. There are supposed to be excerpts from journal entries at the start of each chapter, but they made my word count go up over 5,000, so I didn't include them in the submission. Here is a very brief summary of what happened leading up to this chapter: E, a nonbinary 12-year-old, is antiquing with their mom, who they are very close with. After finding a valuable antique ghost hunting kit, E wanders away from mom and has a vision of the past when they touch a haunted doll. Panicked, they call for their mom but can't find her. Thank you!! Sara
  2. TW mention of animal (duck) death This chapter has been revised a few times already, but could still use more feedback from people who haven't seen the old version of it and I'm concerned some of my latest changes resulted in some clunky-ness. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, but I do have some questions. 1. Does this hook you into the story? 2. Does the character sound like a kid? Is the voice strong enough? 3. What about world-building? Too much? Too little? Just right? 4. Based on this opening, what do you expect the book to be about? What promises is the narrative making? Thank you!! P. S. If you want some background about the story, it is science fantasy. Part sports story, part Beowulf re-imagining.
  3. Content Warnings: Mild violence, reference of off-page murder, reference to transphobia and homophobia, verbal harassment, gender dysphoria Hi, So here is more of Earth Reclaimed (Ch. 2 and some of Ch. 3). I have a feeling this will feel like an early draft because a lot of it is brand new (original Ch.2 was only 900 words) and I feel like I am re-writing the opening chapters of someone else's book. I know the prose tends to be rough in my submissions and I'm sorry if this one is worse than usual. I meant to take one more look at it today but work was too busy and now I am too tired. I don't need detailed line edits. I'm more concerned about content. Character, motives, stakes, world-building and emotions... I did make some big revisions to Ch. 1, but at the moment, I don't plan to resubmit it. There is a rough summary of the changes in the header of the attached doc. Thanks! -Sara
  4. Content Warnings: L: Swearing (less than in the last draft) S: There is not any sex, but there is one scene with kissing, so I put the S just to be safe. Edit: I didn't mention in the email, but maybe I should've added a content warning for anxiety / panic attack This submission a revision and continuation of what I sent a couple weeks ago. It is maybe two-thirds of the story. I had been hoping to keep the whole around 5,000 words, but that isn't happening. The call for stories I want to submit it to allows for up to 8,000 words, so as long as I don't go over that, I'm okay. I think my first complete draft might go over, but I can always trim when I revise. I have a little more written than what I'm sending you, but haven't actually gotten to the end yet. I don't have any specific questions this time around. Any type of feedback is welcome. Thank you!
  5. Content Warning: Language I did not tag this with V since there is no actual violence in the chapter, but it is somewhat focused on the aftermath of the previous chapters violence. Hi! Sending this now because tomorrow is going to be super busy and I am afraid I'll forget. The last chapter was a big change, so the one that came after got rewritten. This chapter replaces the one you read as Ch. 9. Originally, M had gone home after the fight with the CD, and then drove back to school. But since she was responding to a threat against A and T, not her mom, there was no reason for her to go home. This chapter is the new version. There may be a few familiar sentences, but it is mostly new content. There are many intentional sentence fragments in the narrative voice and M's dialogue, especially in the first half of the chapter. Any kind of feedback is welcome, but I do have a couple questions. I see this chapter as M pulling away from Mi and gravitating towards A and T, being more positive towards them than him. If you see it differently, can you please let me know and point out specifics to help me understand the way you see it? Is it clear that M is Not Okay and not quite thinking clearly a consequence of the psychic fight with the Demon? Thank you!! Sara Changes since last time: -A and T are not mad at M when chapter 12 starts out, but they are going to a party, and M isn't. Everyone is okay with this because they like parties and doesn't usually drink. -M half-explains why she's leaving as she rushes away from Mi in 12. Just long enough for him to glance at her phone before she runs away. -If we go way back, the chapter with M going home to get her costume is gone. Instead we see the masquerade, and M gets called away from there due to a dire family situation with demons and potentially fatal injuries. Recap Ch. 1: M saves a guy from a demon. Ch. 2: Healing on a school night was a bad idea. But it has some perks, like falling into the lap of a sweet girl named T. But the guy she saved is her TA, Mi. Oh no! Ch. 3: M follows Mi and figures out he doesn't recognize her, but is a paranormal investigator with a fascinating mind. She goes out with T, and her roommate, A. There is laughter and cuddles and fandom. Ch. 4: Two weeks later, M is trying to figure out how much Mi knows about the paranormal, and learns he has more secrets than extracurricular ghost hunting. Ch. 5: M leaves Mi to check on T after a skateboarding incident. They almost kiss, but a broken bone compels M to heal it, and she almost passes out on T. The next morning, M makes plans to go to a masquerade, which is a month away. Ch. 6: A month later, Mel goes to a masquerade with A & T but is called away because of a family hunting emergency. Ch. 7: Mel fights demons and heals people. She almost dies. Ch. 8: Back at school. Mi reveals his PI friends survived. M hears what she needs from him and finds A and T, who tell her all about what she missed at the masquerade. Ch. 9: Pizza and flirting with the girls is cut short by Mi putting himself in danger. Again. Ch. 10: After almost getting hit by a car, M and Mi spend the night together, talking about the paranormal, gaming, and falling asleep. Ch. 11: M tries to earn A and T's forgiveness. Things get spicy. M's shields fail. Intimacy with no shields means there will be an exchange of energies which the girls haven't consented to, so M has to leave. (this whole chapter might change. It might not. Uncertain). Ch. 12 (last time): A and T go to a party. She goes out with Mi, but ditches him when she thinks the girls are in danger. It's a trap! A demon is waiting for Mel. They have a telepathic battle and M gets hurt. Ch. 13 (This time): M isn't doing so good after the fight with the Crossroads Demon.
  6. Content warnings: S: There is no explicit sexual content, but some of the text messages get a little spicy. L: There are usually a few swear words. Hi Everyone, Book of Mel is back from hiatus. Everything I've submitted so far has been revised based on your feedback. While I do not plan to resubmit everything, I am asking you to read one of the earlier chapters before we jump back to where we left off. One of the things I did when I revised was split some of my longer chapters into shorter ones, so the numbers had changed. The selection you are reading this week used to be part of Chapter 4. This section was rushed and a little confusing, so I expanded it and made it a separate chapter. Since a lot of it is new content, I'd love some feedback on it. Any kind of feedback is fine, including LBLs or the sentence-level stuff I usually ask you to ignore, since this is now something like draft 3.5 now. Let me know what you think! -Sara There is a brief recap below, and a more detailed one is attached. Ch. 1: M saves a guy from a demon. Ch. 2: Healing on a school night was a bad idea. But it has some perks, like falling into the lap of a sweet girl named T. But the guy she saved is her TA, Mi. Oh no! Ch. 3: M follows Mi and figures out he doesn't recognize her, but is a paranormal investigator with a fascinating mind. She goes out with T, and her roommate, A. There is laughter and cuddles and fandom. Ch. 4: Two weeks later, M is trying to figure out how much Mi knows about the paranormal, and learns he has more secrets than extracurricular ghost hunting. Ch. 5: M checks on T after a skateboarding incident. They almost kiss, but a broken bone compels M to heal it, and she almost passes out on T. The next morning, M makes plans to go to a masquerade, which is a month away. Ch. 6 (this time): A month later, M goes home to pick up the costume and gets some bad news. Ch. 7 (next time, which I'm not going to resub): Mel goes hunting.
  7. Hello All! This is a short story I've been agonizing over and I welcome your feedback. It's scifi short story, stand alone, with creature feature emements. I don't think it needs much of a content warning but I'll put a mild violence warning just in case. Nothing graphic. I really near to bring this story down another 700 words in order to submit it where I would like to. Any ideas and tips on where to cut the fat would be greatly appriciated. I've carved off over 1,000 words already (I overwrote the crap out of it apparently) but need to find a few more places to cut. In addition, other critiques welcome. What did you like? Not like? What's boring? What's confusing? Where am I asking too much of the reader? Typo and spelling checks always welcome This is my first submission to the group and I look forward to your feedback! Sarah B.
  8. Hello! I'm Sarah B I started listening to writing excuses two months ago and 9 seasons and 1 NaNoWriMo later I would love to get some peer feedback. I have been a hobbyist writer for years but have leaned on friends and family as alpha and beta readers in the past. I think getting feedback from fellow writers who don't know my ideas and old stories is a great oppertunity. I read and write scifi primarily, short and long fiction. In terms of expertise, I am a registered nurse and am happy to help out with plausibility and terminology checking for medical/first aid scenes. I'm also happy to help brainstorm in Biology, psychology and nerdism in general. Sarah B
  9. I know a lot of you fine people on here are aspiring writers. Did you know there is a friendly and enthusiastic writing group under the 'Associate Works' banner? Why not check it out and you will find welcoming and helpful amateur writers, mostly raised on a healthy diet of Writing Excuses and NaNoWriMo, keen to read your work and offer constructive comment and discussion. There are writers of varying experience and persistence, keen to help and to encourage each other. Don't leave that project of yours languishing in the digital dust. Run it through the spell-checker and submit it weekly on Reading Excuses!
  10. I wrote a prologue to this chapter, but like I said before, you don't have to read it to know what's going on in this chapter. Tell me what you think and be as harsh as possible. I am not too attached to the draft.
  11. Alright. Since submitting this prologue, I have revised a couple of things and fixed one or two typos. Any who, if you got the e-mail, let's hear the critiques. Be as harsh as you want, I have a pretty thick skin.
  12. Hey Guys! Let me know your thoughts on my submission. I'm most interested in: - Where is the story headed? - How was the tone? - How can I improve my voice? - Strength of plot? - How interesting is this to you? Please don't make specific story-related suggestions (like what my characters should do the next chapter), and try to ignore any typos I may have missed. Anything else would be terrific!
  13. Previously on "Millenial Reign" - we've seen a young journalist named Prissy Davis freak out for no good reason at a baptism in 2014 Washington, DC. Then we fast-forwarded 19 years to December 2033 in Wisconsin, where a young local news reporter named Nina Constantinos has just been offered the promotion of her life by Priscilla Davis, the powerful Editor in Chief of WorldWide News network (WWN). This week we finish up Nina's time in Wisconsin and follow her to Washington for a somewhat shocking first day as a WWN National Correspondent. I'll offer my standard "this is not a sci-fi story" disclaimer inasmuch as it's meant to be a newsroom drama that just happens to be in the future, and the technology takes a back seat to the characters and social movements. This has not gotten as much revision as I would like, and honestly I wrote some new material here just today, but these chapters are ones I really wanted shopped. The first of the two is a bit more of the unmitigated sappiness that pervaded the first submission - although I'd like to think it's a bit better-written than it's predecessor. The second is when Nina finally gets dumped into the wild world of 2034 Washington DC. This was originally my beginning, and this is the third version of it, but it's still going to need work. I'm interested in feedback on the blocking of the scene on the Metro - what helps, what doesn't. This is my town and my neighborhood, and I'm very familiar with this particular Metro stop's odd layout. I don't want to bog down in detail, but I also want it to make sense. Also, tips on foreshadowing and worldbuilding without being ham-handed - the blonde on the train is important, just like the Indian family last week really needed to be there for reasons you'll find out next week, but adding people to the scenery without slowing things down is something I'm still working on. I'm trying to take a softer touch on painting the culture (it used to open with a long description of the people waiting for the train), so let me know how that goes for you.
  14. The beginning of the story that takes place in the world of Alden, during the beginning of a war that will engulf the entire chain of the Island Kingdoms. Excited to hear your thoughts this Monday!
  15. From the email: I think that covers everything...
  16. Hey everybody, A lot of you might not remember me but my handle on 17th shard was Acharles78 (psednoym Austin Charles). I think---if my memory can handle the fuzziness---that I joined this site back in 2011. I joined this site because I wanted to get feedback on a fantasy book series I was writing called the Incarni---I think most of if not everyone on here now is new and wouldn't even remember me or that story because I haven't been on here for a very long time. I just wanted to write because I remained on the emailing list and loved being a part of this community and reading all your great stories and I thought I'd share some encouraing news. I'm going to be a published author on september 1st 2013, and not for the Incarni at all. In fact I hit a serious wall with that story when I realized that although I had spent well over two years world building and writing the first book in the series not once but twice, I dreadfully saw that the story I was trying to tell had been told before over and over. The infamous peasant boy--girl in this case, with an enchanted lineage and yada yada yada---Luke, Harry, et cetera. But like I've heard a lot of other authors say in the past that sometimes you just have a story that won't work and that its better to cut your losses. So I dropped it and started writing other books. The longest of which I'm about two thirds of the way through that's not fantasy at all, but a dystopian world-at-war epic with people with powers, fighting tournament, drugs, very not fantasy. I quit fantasy for the most part because I got discourgaged, but I just started writing other things. The book that's getting published is a novella called Sheeple which is going to be published by Damnation books on September 1st. It's about 28,000 words long and came at a time when I was inbetween two huge novels and needed something that I could finish relatively quickly. I found a niche in the weird tale genre and a lot of my shorter novel works tend to be that. I did a complete 180 and published something I wrote on pretty much a whim, which usually those stories end up being disasters for me. I wanted to add that I accredit a lot of my success writing through the last few years to this site, the community, as well as all of your feedback on things that I submitted. Not only did posting help me out but reading your stories helped me out as well. This is a really nice writing community on the internet. Lastly, I just wanted to ask if any of you guys here on this site have any similar stories you'd like to share, published or not, or anything else years of pounding your head against the wall on something that hasn't been working has taught you. Hope everyone is still writing and thanks for reading. Austin,