GroundPetrel

This is 100% purely self-indulgent garbage about Adolin being the best big brother to anybody who needs a big brother in that moment. Or, "While you were learning caution and common sense, I was learning the blade. #edgedancerlife." Elevator pitch: Adolin and Maya fall through a wedgie in space and land in Game of Thrones. They proceed to make everything better. Contains profanity, violence, a lot of insane Adolin stunts, and some Cosmere theorizing for kicks. Spoilers included for: All of Stormlight through book 4, including the identity of Thaidakar (in fact, I decided to have Thaidakar jump in and join the storming-things-up party). Refers to WOBs and bits of info we have about Ambition. The Prince Who Wasn't Promised Feedback (positive or otherwise) is greatly appreciated!

OMG yes I love long books. I would love Brandon doing a Stormlight book so big that it has to be published as three parts and just gives us a ridiculously deep dive into every character while meandering around the world just existing in it. Also if 99% of the book is just Adolin being supportive I will buy a million copies.

Accidentally put this in the wrong thread, have expanded it. If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere... Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. Some small marginalized ethnic group (Horneaters? Terris? Herdazians?) would have big hooked noses and would control the money supply on some planet. They would be mean stingy nasty creatures who nobody likes and who are nasty and treacherous. The more people pointed out the implications, the more overt they would get. Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop. He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought. He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. Shallan would be lectured regularly on staying in school, studying hard, and never trying to change the system because that's bad and what dangerous radicals do. Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed.

WTF how did that happen? I'm so sorry, I must've had two tabs open at the same time. I apologize for being a bozo.

If JK Rowling wrote the Cosmere... Kelsier would be an evil moustache-twirling ultraNazi who wants to end mankind and knowingly and happily works for Ruin. The Lord Ruler would be a fumbling imbecile but ultimately worthy of respect because of his position as ruler. The skaa would be happy in their slavery and would become miserable drunks when freed. Kaladin's slave brand would hurt whenever Amaram was thinking about him or in the vicinity. Wax would happily go along with Sazed's manipulations and would unironically and uncritically believe him to be the greatest person alive. Kaladin's greatest ambition in life would be to be a lighteyes cop. He would be enslaved without Amaram offering him the shards and would accept the ones Adolin gave him without a second thought. He would also be revered throughout Alethkar as a chosen one. Dalinar would be "revealed" to be gay and in love with Odium like 10 years after the end of Stormlight in a Tweet, which would also include a confusing and disgusting statement about Alethi bathroom habits that nobody asked for, wanted, or needed.

Two stupid concepts: --Zinc compounder who is a near-permanent insufferable genius because they were bullied in school for being not very bright before they Snapped and want to be seen as the smart one. --Bronze compounder who literally hasn't slept a wink in over twenty years because they had bad nightmares and don't want to go back to that.

Fair enough! And trust me, I know what you mean about feedback. My last word here is always going to be: Keep writing! You have some raw ability, now you just need to refine it.

Part 2: I'm going to try to keep my critiques brief and to the point this time rather than spending 3 hours writing pedantic tangents about examples of other works that did things in a certain way. We have more of an Ocean's 11 feel and tone than gritty Gentlemen Bastards. The tone and pacing and feel of this is much more modern heist movie than classic assassin fantasy, and it feels like a dichotomy more than Mistborn's blending of the two. I am not against this per se. Just noticing it. I think this COULD clash a bit because we see the Prince's (relatively) slow drift into deciding he needs to kill his father, then it jumps into this staccato back and forth between him and the assassin through the intermediary. This could definitely throw some readers off. And now that I'm thinking about it, I can't help but wonder if the Prince's backstory needs more flashback scenes to show how the Prince got fed up with his father's incompetence, corruption, and waste. I like Eijur's backstory. I'm left with a desire to see the rest of what he did. No complaints tbh. Just gimme more! The Sakava chapter--I see consistency to her character (unimaginative, sending good money after bad, generally incompetent), but again, there are very modern phrases here that I feel should be edited to sound more fantasy-y. Brigar's possession is interesting. Everything with him needs a LOT more--more backstory, more time for the romance (like a LOT, unless the point is his husband's always been a villain and used some kind of magic to seduce him), more eerie feel to the possession. You've got something really neat here but it needs a storming huge load more of everything. Sakava finally does something not incompetent. Too little, too late, but at least she learned a bit. I don't actually like this sudden conversation with the possessing demon thing. Too frank, not enough horror (there's hints, but it turns into conversation too fast), definitely came too soon in the narrative, and the dialogue feels too modern. Sakava's flight has some weird transitions ("almost instantly" forest turned into plains--is she crossing a tree line into a vast plain of agricultural fields? This kind of transition doesn't often happen on a large scale outside of riparian forests and human-influenced cuts), and then they're back in the forest again a few paragraphs later? This needs an edit pass. I like the core ideas with the framing elements of the cops and mistress talking but this needs an edit pass too. Big fan of the assassin's backstory. Needs an edit pass but I like the way it shows how this person could become a loner assassin worshiping a creepy Obviously Evil deity. It does need a slightly slower pace and more detail to flesh out the father's abuse and mother's attempts to protect the child (perhaps the stifling proper lady training can be made an element of the mother trying to shield the child from the father's cis-hetero-normative rage? There is a little clash here between the mother's attitudes in the initial interactions and the bit after the father's arrival), I think. Otherwise, this is conceptually interesting and I want to see more. I like the mistress's chapter and backstory. Bookends need a bit more work than the core of the chapter. This is overall pretty strong work though. I'm feeling more details, getting the gist of emotions. I'm going to reiterate that Brigar's POVs need a LOT more detail, but I am getting his emotion here at points. He should be a lot more stormed up from this kind of demonic possession though. Sakava finally gains a degree of initiative and competence at the cost of her competent advisor. This is starting to become a more interesting character. Reached the end of what you have. I like Arekon's POVs. I like the part where he's like "oh rust this is gonna be bad" when he sees Sakava's letter. I think overall that of the dead horse of my general criticisms ("needs more detail", "needs more emotion", "slow down a bit and savor the ride"), I've gone beyond just beating them, so storm it, I'm focusing on some other stuff. Positives: There are bits of exceptional character work and evocative writing. I want to see this stuff expanded and refined. There are some conceptually really good ideas (Arekon is a solid concept that I think you're taking in a good direction, and Brigar's plot is conceptually cool but needs a LOT more time) that definitely work for a war/assassin fantasy. Your characters are all quite distinct while being interesting and engaging. This could always be refined more but I like the gist of what I'm seeing. Critiques: Arekon's and Brigar's backstories in particular need more time dedicated to them, and Brigar's plot needs a LOT more time, detail, and attention. The plot is like a puzzle that's slowly coming together. While that is relatively common in this kind of fantasy (see: the Shadow and Bone TV series), it runs the risk of alienating the reader with too many POV swaps. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I hope this is still helpful and not annoying!

so over the past couple of years, amidst unhealthy amounts of Sanderson obsession, multiple failed attempts at other writing projects, trying to get my master's degree, and experiencing the Great Gender Crisis of 2020-Ongoing, I wrote a couple of superhero stories for NaNoWriMo and did a prequel novella. Posting links here because I've seen other people doing similar things and I'm desperate for feedback from people used to the ridiculously high standard of Brandon Sanderson novels. Content warnings: Some graphic violence, mind controlling telepathy, mind reading telepathy, intense emotional issues including depression and undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder, varying amounts of cussing, political parodies, murder scenes, and discussion of violent crimes including murder and sexual violence. First one: Mind-Jacker CW: Depression, suicidal ideation. This one is the weakest, I think. This started as a piss-take on The Boys because I was angry at the way that show is about a bunch of heroic vigilante Hard Men led by a violent anarcho-fascist, and that show's world is stupid and nonsensical in ways that actively facilitate those themes that I don't like. Length: Roughly 50k words. Second one: Tradewind CW: Brief consensual sex, brief body horror elements, on-screen murder of a child, depression, emotionally damaged women frankly discussing the consent issues with their superpowers, consensual mind control (accompanied by a seriously screwed up mental state and pathological altruism). This one is quasi-metafictional,I guess you could describe it. Length: Roughly 55k words. Prequel novella-length story: Widowmaker CW: Very brief sexual violence, implied sexual violence, general serial killer tropes including nonconsensual drugging and lust murder, brief overt racism and low-key sexism. This is basically a hunt-the-serial-killer murder mystery but with a bit of building out the world and the beginnings of the protagonist's mental and emotional collapse. Please, if you have the time/inclination to read, hit me with your best criticism. :)

More than happy to give my thoughts! Again, you do have a solid core here. There is a lot of work to be done (minimum 2 more drafts I think, one to fix the big holes then one to smooth out the rough edges), but there are good and entertaining ideas. Started skimming part two, there are again elements of it that I love despite (or maybe because of? IDK) the shift in tone and feel to be more Ocean's 11 and less Dishonored, but again, I think Brigar's plot needs the most work. The building up of the magic system is working well for me. Have a good time writing!

part 1 thoughts overall: You have a solid core of good and engaging ideas, but broadly speaking this needs a lot of expansion to add detail and emotions, then an edit pass or two.

Chapter 6: See my lengthy thoughts on chapters 1 and 2. This is some awesome stuff, but it needs a LOT more painting. Try not to lose the sense of blackouts and spiritual corruption when you edit, because that hits hard. This NEEDS expansion, and a lot of it. There is some cool stuff going on, but it feels rushed and sketched-out. Chapter 7: Much less need for more detail. This is going great until the conversation with the disguised mistress. With the society you have--quite nicely, I must say--built here, it is ludicrous that our protagonist would just spill so honestly to this woman. I like this character's internal meditations. there's a lot of detail and emotion there. Plot thickens. This is generally pretty good, but IMO you should rewrite the conversation with disguised mistress. Chapter 8: I see the connection. I like it. This is paced quite well and I like it. You could pack more plot or character building in here but you don't have to. Maybe slow the transition to the back end of the chapter a bit, take some time with it, but it's not essential. I'll get to part 2 tomorrow but I'm liking a lot of what I'm seeing.

Chapter 4: I'm getting that Sakava is out of touch and incompetent. She responds to impolite criticism from a serially dissenting but loyal advisor (loyal, it must be noted, through what seems to be a major civil war) with a death threat then immediately walks back to a demotion threat. This is very good character work IMO--we are seeing incompetence from the incompetent's perspective rather than being told that they are incompetent and shown cartoonish ineptness and corruption from the outside. That cartoonish incompetence and corruption has its place, esp. in assassin fantasy, but this is a welcome divergence in its own way. We further see that she is lazy, unimaginative, and is possibly megalomaniacal. Again, I like seeing this through her eyes. This contrasts well with Brigar, knowing he's some rando lieutenant who got overpromoted, throwing out ideas to see what sticks. I think that she shows a bit too much concern for human life as such here if she's intended to be an antagonist--if she is indeed a baddie, perhaps she should think of the human cost as "lives she would need to fulfill her mother's destiny" or some such. Ah, she wants to make it a desert. Classy lady. It seems Brigar has decided to go full Military Jesus as a Hail Mary maneuver. I like this. I think you're going for "rando lieutenant turned rebel leader becomes Warrior Jesus" with his plot and he seemed to be built as a guy who would have a lot of anxieties and insecurities about that. Again, I like where it seems you're going with this. The battle scene kind of falls apart after the death pulse. I gather that Brigar has been somehow negatively effected by becoming a living tacnuke, but after that it becomes hard to follow and I have very little sense of how the masses of people are moving, and there is very little sense of the chaos that Sakava is trying to bring order to. I don't know what to advise here because this just fundamentally isn't working for me and IDK what precisely are the points that need to be hit. Chapter 5: Follow up on chapter 1! I'm not sure why the POV is shifting so much, and following 5 people is...a lot, but this just needs an edit pass for pace, new-feeling words, and painting the world. You've got the incompetent cop down pretty well and much of the emotional work here is solid and hits well. (again, just a minor edit pass, the bulk of it works pretty well) No real complaints here outside of "edit pass needed". This is pretty solid like chapter 3.

Third chapter: I'm not sure who this protagonist is as a person yet. In general I'm a little cautious about excessive exasperation in a character's first chapter. Not a huge deal here though. I like the detail about the monarchy just leaving their titles as "we are the royal house". That's a neat detail and speaks to the kind of society we're seeing here. There is a big overheated aristocracy game, but the royal house is in charge and everybody knows it. However, this does clash somewhat with the plotline about the royal house being out of cash. Perhaps adding a little clarification about how "conventionally" the royal house doesn't play the title game, but it's a brittle shield at the moment? Or maybe there is a push internally to start playing the noble game vs. that being a concession that would show weakness? Again, I love details in political fantasy. OK, the flashback shows me more of who this guy is. He's somewhere in between Raoden and Adolin, but we're getting the "trying to hold the kingdom together" plot that neither really got. I like this--the "competent eldest son of weak/corrupt/incompetent/possibly crazy King" trope is pretty old, but it still has plenty of mileage, and the anxieties engendered by it are relatable and hit hard. Only advice here is to possibly amp up the scale and ludicrous pomposity of the ball, and state that this is something that doesn't really need to be held at this point. This is definitely getting towards what I'm talking about making the world lush. Storming good stuff! We get more details here, it's still a tad on the sparse side but you are hitting well with the emotions here. You could definitely amp up the emotional writing a bit as he reacts to the letter, but I think as is it does state, if not quite emotionally connect with, the enormity of the situation. Good job showing that this was a lesson that the protagonist had to inflict. You've got the core here, only quibble is you should show the opponent stumbling away and falling or something before the protagonist turns to vomit. This is definitely a MUCH stronger chapter than the last two. The very end could be expanded a bit, to get a bit more of the protagonist's emotional reactions and journey after the duel, but I like it much more than the previous two. The last two chapters were genuinely..."there is good stuff here but that was hard to get through". This was "there are some hiccups but this is solid work and keeps me hooked".