hawkedup

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  1. Spectrals are the magic users of the world. Everyone in the Mage Corps is a spectral. Every spectral is supposed to be in the Mage Corps. There are unregistered spectrals in the world, people who don't want to give up their families and the like, but being caught is... very bad. The train stopped. Everyone got on. The others were questioned before Z woke up. R and M then got off the train with their bluecoat guards and started heading north (the same way they were traveling to begin with). Thanks for flagging the confusion here. I'll make sure this is all much clearer in the next edit. No. Bluecoats are elite soldiers but not magic users. That's on me. I had them on the road originally but then thought it would be better if they continued to use the tunnel. Ah, I see the confusion. I'll be more clear in the future, but no the pueblo is one of a few along a main road that goes North and South connecting the capital city in the north (where the God King is) and the Front in the far south. So the kids left the pueblo heading north. Encountered the train heading south. Now Z is going south and R and M are still heading in the same direction, north, as before. Thanks for the help @Mandamon! Very helpful as usual!
  2. That's what I was going for, implying that it actually broke the skin in some places. I'll be clearer in the next draft. This is also the pain she is feeling you mention later. Good catch! This was a remnant. Original it was a falcon but thought carrion eater was better image. Fixed! I was going for "hoping" she was crazy but I must've missed the mark. A remnant from before I read all the train statistics you provided! Thanks for the flag. A few times but always in passing. This was the most obvious--so far. She knows her mom is because they tell her she is but she doesn't know whether her friends are on the train or not. The train is going to the Front, which is in the south. The city is to the north. Was going for Rico thinking she was ogling more than she was actually ogling. Will make sure its clear this is, at least mostly, in his head. Yep! No, it really isn't, and it would probably hurt Z's feelings. Noted. Once the train stops, Z is *at* the Front. R and M are the ones moving away from the Front, toward the city. Thanks for everything, @Robinski! As always, the chapter is leaps and bounds better after your comments!
  3. Hey, everybody! So, life has been getting in the way of writing again... But this time it's something GOOD. I got a promotion at work! Woo! I'm going to be mostly MIA for the next month or so while I'm learning the ins and outs of my new position. I'm still going to be an active participant in the group, reading everything and commenting when I can, but I'm sorry if I'm not able to do proper critiques like you all deserve. I will of course be pulling myself out of the submission rotation until such time as I can provide proper feedback. Anyway, just thought I'd drop a line. Happy writing!
  4. Previously - Z, R and M have found a "demon egg" which revealed to them a secret: People are dying of old age decades before they are supposed to. They are on their way to Rossendar City to bring this information to the God King when they encounter Z's estranged mother who saves them from a demon and shows them a secret train tunnel that will help them get to the city faster. However, a train carrying important officials passes and stops when Z's soul lantern flares and finally takes its first form: a boring candle. Z wakes up in an interrogation room on the train. General Y reveals that Z is one of the anointed--someone who can serve as a host for the God King. Notes: - We are now into Act 2 and I'm really starting to get hit with that whole Impostor Syndrome thing. Doubting myself and the story. I'm particularly afraid that splitting the plot into two (temporarily) is going to make people disinterested. As always, thanks for reading, and don't be gentle!
  5. I finally have the next chapter written if I could submit Mon 30th please
  6. Looking forward to seeing you around again!
  7. Is that something editors do for you? I’ve never even tried to submit or anything.
  8. I’m glad that it’ll be addressed. Even so I’d say it was a fairly big distraction because I thought about it every time you described the climate, etc. Could probably hang a lantern or simply hold off for a chapter or two on revealing how many rabbits there are without cutting the scene.
  9. So this addresses most of my problems from last week. In fact (with the exception of word count--maybe) I can't see why this isn't included in chapter 1. It pays off some of the stuttering pacing really well and cycles back to being about T. Last week I said the chapter wouldn't pass my one chapter test, but with this on it, it would have. I only made a few notes as I read because I was engrossed throughout: 1 - Good opening. I now see that each epigraph is focusing on a different month, which I like. 2 - "...an Earth activity she’d been passably good at until pools were banned due to water rationing." Good world and character building. Possible WRS bu...I remember her younger sister doesn't remember Earth and she is older than her now, but I don't remember anything about an actual timeline. How long did E live on Earth? How long was she in FTL compared to her sister? 4 - "T’s name did not belong in the mella’s mouth. Her name didn’t belong in the scalding wind of the desert and her headband sure as hell didn’t belong in a tattered pocket that probably smelled like crotch." So good! 6 - "whack-a-mella" LOL! - "The mella took out a gun, and shot her." I'm of two minds about this ending. On the one hand I know it's a hook that some readers like. It's the type of thing James Patterson would do, and he has a huge following. This, however, is the reason I will never read another James Patterson book. The hooks are cheap and usually come to nothing. In this case, we all know the next chapter will just be her waking up and it'll end up being a tranq gun or something. Personally, I think it would be stronger if you said exactly what happens. If it is a tranq gun. "The mella drew a tranq gun and shot her in the neck with a dart." Note: The train of thought sentences are still coming across more as unfocused prose rather than the "voice" of the POV, but it isn't as distracting in this draft so far. Overall: Other than the last line and the head scratching about it not being included in chapter 1 I found this to be solid. I especially think that E's character is coming along nicely. I think she's finally filling the role you intended all along.
  10. That surprises me. I love the Dark Tower so much, especially book 3. (If you had said book 4 I would've understood because that is a flashback book and I skip it in my re-reads because it's so much weaker than the rest.) It's one of the only series I'd put on the same level as Brandon's work. Young Reader books are literally full of kids doing dangerous things that they should never ever do in real life. Running away from home. Stealing cars. Riding makeshift rafts down the Mississippi. If the narrative makes the dangers clear and illustrates what happens if someone is careless, you actually might prevent a kid doing something stupid with poison ivy in real life. But that's just my two cents. It's your book and you of course should do what you feel comfortable with.
  11. So, I was also kinda confused by the sudden appearance of the cabin and the way it tied to everyone seemed too convenient. This isn't to say I didn't like it, but we definitely need to know about it much earlier. I don't know why but I feel like your physical descriptions took a big step up in this submission. Up until now I've had a hard time figuring out the logistics of the action but I thought the scene(s) were set really well. It also helped my mind's eye during some of the less detailed moments (like the flashback roof stuff). I'm glad A seems to be an active character finally. Really like the poison ivy call back. I remember that sticking out to me when I read it and when E figures it out I literally went "Oooohhhhhh..." and I almost never express myself verbally while reading. I also like that the thing they will need to help fight M is something as dangerous as poison ivy. I kept meaning to ask in previous critiques and only remembered this time because you name drop Stephen King (ph not v), but have you read the book IT? Not only do I get a Derry vibe from your story but there are some really fantastic bike riding scenes in that book. Oops! Got busy at work. To be continued...
  12. Do you get to choose your own reading material?
  13. As Rick Sanchez would say, don't even trip, dawg! We got you. What classes do you teach?
  14. Um. Yeah. I REALLY like the poison ivy connection and I think taking it out would be a mistake. First of all we saw it before so when it came back it felt surprising yet inevitable. I've also never seen poison ivy being used in a supernatural story like this. I like that it gave a book they had found earlier meaning. The danger of burning it gave the narrative a direction I was excited to see explored--E willing to risk themself to save others.
  15. As usual I'm here with my Sunday critique. I didn't make any notes because I was engrossed throughout and I'm really just jumping on the band wagon with this, honestly. Loved the chapter. In a lot of ways I felt like this was more climactic than the previous chapter because it really showcased all the character arcs and direction of the book. The reveal that M helped A was masterful. I really was just expecting a 2D villain and I'm glad there is more depth there. Honestly my favorite thing you've submitted so far. Kudos! Since it's me and I have to at least say one negative thing, I don't know if it's believable that A's fellow workers during that time knew and were generally OK with him. Also, would he have even been hired?