TracerTK

Thanks for your feedback everyone. The first version of this chapter lacked a whole lot of action that people were looking for. Instead of 3-Mac just leaving the city, I wanted to add a life threatening reason to leave the city. As for the lack of plot, I'm not sure how much I can give away or input in the first chapter without it being a large info dump. Any suggestions would be great on this. As for why a reader might care about a machine, I'm starting to agree with you. You've now given me a new idea of how to break up chapter 1 into 2 chapters, maybe even having the new chapter one take place before the appearance of 3-Mac. Also, I had no idea about the prowriteaid tool and will sternly use it. Again, thanks for all the critics. Your opinions will only cause me to improve my writing style and add more content.

Hi jParker, I just finished reading the screenplay and found it very interesting however there were a few parts that made me questions what was going on. The first was that he received a call and hit ignore. The way it was worded sounded like Amy was calling him which made me think that she cheated on him or something. Second was why did he have an answering machine when he had a cell phone? It didn't make a whole lot of sense as to had that. I liked the scenery that you painted through out the script which was easy to follow. The last bit that threw me off was him breaking the glass. I think it would take a whole lot of force to break a beer mug and didn't fully understand why he did it in the first place or also why he decided not to jump in front of the train. This is the first screenplay I've ever read so please take my critics with a grain of salt. Overall I would continue reading your works. thanks

I've reworked a lot of my first and feel that it's way more polished now than it was before. Please let me know what you think aside from spelling. Thanks

Congrats Silk, I can only imagine how much work went into that. Are there any spots left for Monday the 9th? I would like to submit a highly revised version of chapter 1.

I have to add that I didn't realize that this was a short story until after other members commented. It feels like this story could turn into a novel. You have a good foundation so far. Two rival factions warring against each other, a new stranger that replaces the queen's control, grasshoppers have to make new plans to deal with the new threat. There's a lot you can use.

Hi Trizee, I just finished your story and I have to say that I've never read a Roman arena type scene where bugs where the gladiators and audience so I do have to give you some points for originality on that one. The first couple of issues I had though was that the sentences seemed to be very short. A small sentence was given and then I had to stop at the next one. I soon found myself almost ignoring where you put periods and just kind of mentally adapted the paragraph structure in my mind to help me read. I liked the battle scene but was a bit thrown off as to why the ants would use a praying mantis to fight in place of three or four ant soldiers. It seemed odd to me and didn't explain why this was. The protagonists battle stance was a bit peculiar in that he was holding a shield in his upper left arm and lower right. In a battle scenario this would make the most amount of sense when looking at it from a strategic point of view. However, since he wanted to buy time wouldn't it make more sense to put the weapons in his dominant arms, i.e right hands? The logic behind this would allow the grasshopper to show more strength which would in-turn cause the praying mantis to think more about his tactics instead of charging in. After the queen died, it really threw me off when the ants just sat there and allowed themselves to be slaughtered. I think still function in reality but how can another ant become queen if they're paralyzed like that? This part needed more explanation or elaboration. The part that made no sense was where the king ant came in. I don't think ants have kings and even the ants that fly work for the queen. This part took me out of the story and just didn't have any relevance. It seemed like you were trying to include a plot twist of some kind with another ant coming in and taking control but the ant king rushing in was too convenient and had no foundation. The last part was the part I really didn't like and I'm sure most readers hate. But I really hate it when a chapter or a book is ended with "And then he died." If the plan was for that character to die then you could have added what it was like for his life to drain away, sensory experience, memory flashes, ect. Overall it does need some work and refinement but I think you have a very interesting idea here that you can take quite far. Keep writing and I look forward to the next installment.

Hi Akoebel, I just finished reading chapter 8 of your novel and though I haven't read the previous chapters a few things came up while reading. Your writing style was very simple in that it was easy for me to read. I didn't get stuck on any words or names and you painted a clear picture of where the main character in chapter 8 was. However, even though it was easy for me to read, the scene you painted went by quickly. I thought that you could have added more detail about the room the character was in and the surroundings. I've read books that are more complex and with their added complexities also found that it was easier to read if certain descriptions or details were shortened whereas the opposite applies in your novel. After the God's came out it seemed odd that one of them would just blurt out info that wasn't really intended for a lower God. With the amount of time that Mahau was waiting for I thought that the God's would have debated or thought of how the meeting would go. the scenario felt a bit weird and made me second guess what was going on as the hours they spent in their 'room' didn't make any sense. As I've not had the chance to read the previous chapters this critic may not apply due to that this issue may have already been explained. It doesn't seem like they're really Gods if they can be killed. I do like how you've incorporated the idea that their power stems from lesser Gods whose power is derived from their followers. It explains how their system works but it's very odd that they are Gods and can be killed. It's even more odd that they don't seem to know what's going on. I look at the definition of a God as being all powerful and all knowing but if you want to keep the story the way it is, it may be a good idea to define the type of God in your story or maybe have some divine rivalry. Again, these issue may have already been addressed or explained. The last part was when you talked about the three deaths. It really took me out of the story when you said that one of the Gods had 'cut off one of his brain's blood vessels.' This kind of description doesn't feel like it belongs in a fantasy where there are Gods but would work better in a story that had science involved. Appreciate you submitting chapter 8 and look forward to the next installment. Keep up the good work!

Hi everyone, I'm Abraham and I started writing when I was young but never finished a whole lot. I like writing because I can picture a scene in my mind easily, however it's a lot harder to expand that scene such as are there trees or buildings and what they would look like. I ended up hearing about writing excuses from a co-worker and really enjoyed the content that was being presented so I joined the forum. I'm currently at about 5k of my first novel and am going to continue. My two favorite books are Imajica by Clive Barker and Live Free of Die by Troy Rising and last but not least are the EVE Online novel series by Tony Gonzales. (The book are more interesting if you play the game)

I'm curious as well about the topic of resubmitting updated work. I think if I were to read an updated version of any story I would probably end up skimming it instead of engrossing myself in the story. It may be better to resubmit parts that were changed instead of the who story but again I'm not sure what's best in this scenario.

Hey guys, I've been on this site for a few weeks now and am really liking everything. I tend to visit reading excuses as I'm currently writing a novel and enjoy the world of scifi and fantasy so it's always fun to see what other people are writing about.

Just finished reading the story and am really impressed. I had to keep reading because well there wasn't really any boring parts that I stumbled upon. The story flowed well and certain parts didn't drag on like they do in some books I've read. The only real issue I had with it was the fight scenes. I got confused a lot of times when the AI's came out, and a block rose to give them some type of cover. The next thing I knew was that they were now in some building and Duchess has a broken arm now. I was totally lost with how quickly that transitioned. Other than that it was a very well put together read and I look forward to the next parts.

Alright, I've finished chapter 2 and more or less it's like chapter 1 in that I was waiting for something big to happen or a plot twist to take place but it seemed like there was too much information with how he was conducting his search. In chapter 2 I really wanted to bond with this character but his personality type was lacking as well and I wasn't able to get a good sense of who he is. Also a couple of things stood out in chapter 2 that didn't fit with the genre. The wording you used to describe a nightclub and diner in this story took me out of it. I immediately thought of the diner I drive by on certain days and it didn't feel like it belonged in this world. A tavern, brothel, card-house, Inn, Villa, and things of that nature would have worked a lot better. I also didn't know that English was your second language. I think you did quite well as I've never seen someone write this well in their second language. It does have grammatical errors but those aren't too hard to fix. I've also never read The Dresden Files or any of those books so I can't compare how yours is written in comparison to those but overall it wasn't a bad read. Keep up the good work and am looking forward to chapters 3-4.

I've only had time to read chapter one and will read chapter 2 later. First off, I'm somewhat new to critics and novel writing so feel free to take my opinions lightly. I like how the story opened up but felt like the main character was missing a lot of back story. I found it difficult to bond with him and didn't know what type of person he really was. It sounds like he's an ex detective but again it's not all there. I also liked the names of all the characters and felt like they blended together very well for setting you put them in. The city name sounds a bit too convenient and simple and kinda made me laugh to know that there was a city called Steamcity. The scene when the main character rushed in to feed the dog had me on a bit of an edge but was let down because he just went in to feed Cogs. This part should have a stronger reason for him needing to rush in like that or it should mellowed down to where he remembers he needs to feed Cogs and finds the animal near the bowl. I liked the weapons the main character has but the description was off and just not there. All I could picture was a cylinder with some carvings on it. Normally people can imagine what a gun looks like quite easy but a broader description is needed when describing fantasy weapons such as trigger system what it looks like in more detail. Overall I really like it minus the grammer and word issues in some places. I'll let you know how chapter 2 is like.

Again, thanks for all of the feedback. You're all only helping me further develop my book. Originally I didn't want 3-Mac to be like Johnny 5 from the movie Short Circuit where he was struck by lightning and became self-aware. I wanted to show the process of how becomes the way he is and that it's no coincidence. Looking at all the feedback I will be re-polishing the first and second chapter by adding some more conflict in the first chapter and removing useless info from chapter 2. Again, thanks for all of you comments they really help.

I would like to thank everyone for their encouraging comments and really appreciate the work you've all put in. This is exactly what I'm needing to hear and will only help the story grow and evolve into something better. I'll keep working on the book and chapter 3 will be out soon.