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1,197 Twinborn


About Robinski

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    Fighting unnecessary capitalisation since June 2013

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  1. Deal all, Another pretty substantial re-write. I hope this has injected more tension and significance into the events here, in a 'things getting worse' kind of way. I must say I struggled with this some, and feel that while it might be better in some aspects, perhaps still is not where I want it to be. Your comments are greatly appreciated. Best, Robinski
  2. I'd like to sub on Monday 20th too please. I need to put Chapter 18 back up with the edits, but hopefully it'll be a pretty quirk read for folks, having been through it before, then I can get back on track to the end. All things going according to plan, and y'all's patience permitting
  3. Hey SSmooth, thanks so much for reading. Woo hoo!! Glad it's coming together Okay. I've tried it that way around and it reads pretty good, I think Right, I've had another look at that and made some tweaks. Hopefully it clearer now. I can, and I think I have. Good catch. Thank you! For one thing, the scene in which K is 'chasing' Q and M towards the helicopter is edited now (which you haven't seen) and it's clearer now, I think that Kr is not trying to shoot Q or M, but to catch them, whereas the town sheriff, or at least his deputies, are a bit more trigger happy. So, hopefully the tone of that bit is clearer from the WK POV, and it does not seem like such a huge swing. I've worked on a few of WK's lines to try and smooth out the dissonance. Yes! Good catch. There was 'fifteen minutes later' and then on a bit 'An hour later', which is certainly awkward,. I've modified the first one so they are just climbing down from the truck and there is no mention of a time jump. Nice comment. Excellent. And also interesting that you think it might not be true. I'm glad to have you second guessing a little (I think). Pah, chillax! @Mandamon does all his crits at work*. I look forward to any discussion however. More than welcome. Thanks again. Great comments. (*I must admit, I do some too.)
  4. <response resumes...> Good. I'm glad to hear that. And, yes, exactly. Agree. Yes. I'm certainly willing to go down that rabbit hole enough for there to be more of a revelation, because I agree this is weak at the moment. Agree. And I think this goes back to the point above about the revelation. So, I will revamp the presidential revelation and tie it better to the ultimate stakes for Tom. Thank you. And noted. I've looked at tweaking it, but I'm not feeling a suitable alternative yet the matches my feeling for the moment. I will consider again in the next edit. Yup, I will up the election stakes here, and earlier in the story. Phew. Got there this time. Thanks for the great comments, Silk.
  5. Okay. I'm going to try this again. Probably be shorter and more focused this time! Really appreciate you comments, @silk. Thanks so much for reading. Yes. The series started out envisaged going further out into the galaxy, but has got no further than the Moon, with a couple scenes at Q's home on Hygeia. There are references to wider star travel, but I might change this to something like Very Fast Drives or some such. It's a fair comment, for sure. Lol. Yeah, Q's very 'do as I say, not as I do' in the parenting department Man, I wrote a great treatise on this the first time around. I think kids in development have it within their toolbox to play with behaviours from earlier in their childhood that evoke a strong emotional reaction, in them or others. I guess some adults do too. Goodness knows M's got some baggage from childhood, and Q's got zero parenting experience prior to meeting M. Either way, I feel I can get away with this, but thanks for mentioning. It's fair comment for sure. Good call. I've changed this. Yeah. That big reveal is now in Chapter 17, so this scene will play somewhat differently. I'm just rewriting 18 just now, so this is timely. I think E naming one candidate can be perceived as her being cagey, whatever, probably it's moot now. A-ha. Now then. I did feel this when I used the term, BUT, those Corey guys were not the first to use it. Larry Niven coined the phrase in his Known Space books way back, so I'm going to press on with no guilt feelings at all Thanks for calling though. I think it's such a generic and pretty obvious term that it can (or will) be seen as a standard term. Yeah, Sarah called this too. I've tweaked the references a bit to bring E into the circle of trust. Yes, completely fair comment. The issue is that I have not written out a clear and comprehensive summary of the political and administrative situation as background before making these kinds of references. I am going to have to sketch out the political situation in North America before doing another edit. Probably I will do this before writing Book 3, but after editing this story. <posting part response now to avoid another loss of data!!>
  6. Well, I just lost an hour of typing a reply to you post, @Silk. Thank you so much for the comments, and I have taken a lot of them on board, all well made. I'll look to come back and reply again in more detail, but I cannot bear to start recreating all those thoughts. It's one of my real pet hates, or just plane hates, actually.
  7. Thanks for dropping in! For what it's worth, as you may notice, I've re-subbed Chapter 17, and will resubmit this chapter next week because of a significant change to Q's state of mind at the end of the new Chapter 17.
  8. Hornbooks are cool! So, the specific item was a sort of paddle with the alphabet painted on or attached to it, often with a thin sheet of horn over top, that was used to help teach young children their letters. They look really super neato and I really like them. "Hornbook," as the generic noun, refers to any primer on a subject, and implies a primer that's contained in a single volume (so, like, technically, those "Idiot's Guide" and "For Dummies" books would count as hornbooks. Hm. Also those "in a nutshell" and "a very short introduction" books). It's not in general use anymore, though I've definitely seen it in fantasy novels, and I think the main place it pops up in modern times is in legal terminology. lol, not that you'd ever want to pick up a legal hornbook one-handed. OMG!! The circle is complete! Do you happen to remember in the early chapter in TCC when Q, M and 80 are in the diner and they discuss Shakespeare in references to M's language, and 80 quotes Love Labours Lost which turns out to have a character called M? Well, the wiki page you linked has an excerpt from LLL in which M appears with Don Armado and makes reference to a hornbook!!! Unbelievable Thanks for this, very interesting. That's my learning for the day Good point. I'm going to spitball a few here, just for fun (baring in mind I have not gone back and checked the context): polished smile; practised smile; adept smile; well worn smile; seasoned smile. None is quite as on the mark as pro smile, I accept, but I think maybe one or two fit the setting better.
  9. Beetle vs. TIE fighter!!!! Oh, no, wait the beetles are out
  10. In fact, @MistbornAlpaca, it's pinned to top of the forum. By all means drop a request in there
  11. Good grief!! This thread is so old I didn't even know it existed Nice to hear from you, Alpaca. There is a more recent Alpha readers thread further up on the Forum, like near the top.
  12. It weighs a fecking tonne!! (But I will try and provide some video, maybe...)
  13. Project 75192: Update 24 - Bags No.17, Part 2 - "The Final Episode" Phew, well, this has easily been the biggest build I have ever done, even when--up to about 10/15 years ago--I made towns / cities with every single brick that I have (which is plenty, since I got my first Lego set in, I guesstimate, around 1970/2). It's been great fun; a little grey at times, literally!!, but still tremendously enjoyable. There are two configurations of the Falcon available, the 'original' Episodes IV to VI, with round dish (1,2), or the later Episode VII Falcon with the more streamlined-looking angular radar assembly (3,4,5,6). No doubt one of Han's later modifications? (My canon knowledge isn't good enough to know who might have done this, although Episode VII may put this marker down, I don't recall. Then, minifigs!! (7) Leia, Han, Chewy watch on as 3PO waves his (its? - one for TCC fans) hands around in agitation (No change there then). (8) Old Han imparts words of wisdom to Rey, Finn and BB8, words like 'bah', 'humbug' and 'grrrr'. (9) Job done! (10) Luke swings in from a completely different set!! What the heck? (11) The trusty X-wing and R2!!!! (12) Drone shot of some sandy, desert planet. Categorically not Queen. No mash-ups here, move along, nothing to see. This is not the sand you're looking for...
  14. Oooh, I'm second. Except by the time I've doddered my clumsy way through there will probably be another four posts! Best crack on then. (page 1) - "the House of Pot" - I've never seen it referred to just as H/P before, that I can remember, so I had to conclude this was a typo. - "massive fists clenched" - do fists clench, or is that the state that occurs when a hand clenches? - "in the recovery room" - Confused here. I don't know what the R/R is. And, how can you have an invasion in one room. (I mean, I know you can, but it still sounds weird and unlikely). - I'm confused by the blocking around here. I'm not sure if they are inside our outside the city, and then whether the old geezer is coming or going. HOWEVER, I have much enjoyed the opening of the chapter, there is real tension in them arriving and covering each other's backs as they come through the portal. It's like the Charlie's Angels poster, or the slow walk from Reservoir Dogs. (page 2) - I like the puffing and pausing, but it did strike me as being somewhat 'outside' the style of this trilogy. That's not meant as a criticism. What am I trying to say...? I feel like the narrative in your stories has a more neutral tone/style, less visible, which I think absolutely suits the very impressive complexity (in a really good way) of the world. I feel like this is the sort of sh1t that I would pull, probably trying to compensate for the sparsity of my world-building by comparison. Please don't take it out though, I like it. - "estates" - I feel like, a person having numerous properties, still only has one estate, certainly in the legal sense. - "which meant his face was" - this struck me as odd, it sounded like a place for a 'but'. - "first three she had seen" - missing word. - "pull of the N’s ground" - I don't mind that there is no reference to gravity, but 'ground' sounded off to me. I wonder if it could be cut? Also, I wasn't completely clear on the blocking, are they in the air? - "Emanated" - remnant. (page 3) - Reference to O's robe sounds like the first time er are seeing it, but it's not new, we had a reference in the last chapter, so this feels a bit clunky here, IMO. - "trying to put a sense of urgency in her voice" - (1) I think this goes without saying. The whole situation feels tense and urgent, this feels redundant to me; (2) 'trying' here is redundant, because if she tries, she'll succeed: it's not a difficult thing to do. So, she just 'injects urgency into her voice', IMO. - "closed their hands into dense woody fists" - This is the third time with the fists, I think. It's sounding repetitive, and a bit one note for Car. (page 4) - Confused. Is the cart moving? They can't be waiting (i.e. stationary) surely? - The thing with the cart feel manufactured. Why does R take the chance to look through the gate? She's just pulled O away, now she's going directly against her own motivation, rather hypocritically. - Right maybe it's just not clear. Did Car see the cart, and that's why he wasn't moving? I did not get that. I think some tidying around here would me this clearer. - "to act as a fluid instead of a solid" - Hang on, surely that is not strength, but an ability of the Hse of matter? How can he do this with strength? Seems inconsistent. "never seen" - Yeah, because it should not be able to do that!! Liquifying stone: I don't see how pure strength could do that. Surely it would need a tremendous amount of concentrated heat. Would that be potential? I guess strength could exert pressure, but enough to do this? I'm really sceptical. - "bright purple at the wounds" - not convinced the bloody stumps of legs separated from he body are wounds. I would think the body itself has wounds where the legs were, but the legs are no longer part of the creature, in that sense, it seems to me. (page 5) - "Yet it still crawled toward them" - I think I've mentioned before that I've pretty much given up carping on about split infinitives, but here, I think it has a big effect on the drama of the sentence. Adopting a more grammatically 'correct' form, either "Yet still, it crawled toward them", or "Yet it crawled towards them still", I think, is more dramatic than the split infinitive form. It's the primacy / recency thing, I think. - "tightened their fist" - again with the fist, although this instance is appropriate of course, but it's getting tired now as an image. - "tinted purple" - This sentence is not as dramatic as it could be, IMO. I don't think we need to be told the rock in transparent, just that purple fluid squidges in some way, like out from the edge. (page 6) - "they passed into its shadow" - I've been picturing them outside the gate. I thought R looked through the gate to see the carriage, but the carriage was escaping from the city, wasn't it? Something seems off here, blocking-wise. - Ach, no I've completely lost the track. I thought the carriage was someone escaping the city. I did not appreciate it was coming for them. I guess a conformation of this from the servant would have clarified the blocking for me a bit, although I would still need to know that they appeared within the city. - "starting to split their paths" - diverging would replace these five words, I feel. Also, confused. Are Car and Or not both heading to the carriage? - "One touch" - I thought they needed to engulf a target? (page 7) - "began swerving" - Could be more dramatic 'swerving wildly', for example. Also, don't have any real sense of how close the El were, which reduces tension. - "see underneath them" - the ground is underneath them; surely she can see their underside. - "against the wall of air" - Again, I've got no sense of how close the El are. This implies they are right on top of the maj, but I get no sense of that from the description, or really from the sense of urgency or horror, which I think is s bit lacking. I just don't get the sense the El are 'on top of them', but it seems to be implied by this line. - "stomped back to the gate" - but now they are not right at them. I'm really quite confused. (page 8) - "a mere handbreadth away from them" - But if this is the case, where was Car stomping off to? - "All six houses used together was a rare thing nowadays" - phrasing awkward, IMO, "The use of all six houses together was rare nowadays." Primacy / recency. It's the use that is important, I think, and the fact it is rare. - "like an oil slick vertical in the air" - Air is repeated making the line awkward, IMO. 'like a vertical oil slick' is clear enough. I know you don't need this editorial last this point, I'm sorry. I'm resigned to being incapable of reading without doing this. (page 9) - "learn to climb" - But they already know how to climb the walls. They were on the wall at the start of the scene, I thought. - "normal weapons will not help significantly" - But, if the El eat magic, but can be cut, I wonder if simply, physical weapons might not actually be effective in harming them, because they are not made of the sym. Can the El eat simple, physical things as well? If someone sliced one of them with a big sword, would they not bleed? - "climbed up the shaft of the spear" - Hah, okay: asked and answered, but they were cut by Man using the sym of a portal. I'm still trying to tie down the rules here with respect to harming the El. (page 10) - "It hadn’t sunk in what had really happened" - I feel like this is back to front, wrt achieving impact. 'Events had not sunk in', I think, is more narratively compelling. - "as soon as they stopped running from the El" - But we know already that they don't stop coming, so this doesn't sound like the problem to me. They have to kill or banish them all before they will stop coming. This is a rather naive thought, IMO. I'm not feeling connected to R's train of thought here. She has seen all sorts, been all over the universe, but she's not engaged with this? I don't buy it. If she acknowledged her exhaustion and lack of clear thinking, I might be easier with this passage. - "Where it was not made of glass" - Grammar, IMO. Where is was not made of glass it was made of something else is counterintuitive, I reckon. It was a house made of wood, apart from the bits that were made of brick. (page 11) - "playing card games" - What?!!!!!!!!!!!! Really?! I was thrown a bit by people tending their fields, but I can kind of get that, but loafing around playing cards? It's not like these are soliders at the front, these are the people who should be finding a solution to this emergency surely. - "The estate is able to hold" - I think they mean the buildings can house that number, surely many more hundreds/thousands could be accommodated on the estate in tents, etc. And the timescale isn't relevant to the size of the estate, surely but the amount of supplies they have. But the term 'hold' is purely about the amount of space there is. - "to run the I" - This sounds like day-to-day running. Would they not be done by assistants and subordinates, enacting the Eff's edicts and instructions? Would the Eff not be much more about doing much to direct the Imp? - "instantiate" - I don't think this is the word: it seems to mean 'to represent'. I feel like they installed a stopgap, or even instigated and stopgap. - "his boots making his robe swish" - Hang on, if he's wearing boots, there was no way he would have been able to reveal and ankle in the last chapter. (page 12) - "We left directly after the first few El" - Eh? Surely not. When they arrived, the Imp was already almost completely empty of people, ergo the El had been there for sometime, long enough fro either eradicate the population, or for the remaining population to evacuate. There is no way this statement can be true, as far as I can see. - "Potentially thousands of each" - I get no sense of that many El in the city. They have only ever appeared two or maybe four at a time 'on screen'. Also, the population of the Imp is much more than that, is it not? Are there not tens and hundreds of thousands of people in this (once) bustling metropolis? - "They spoke with us" - I do not remember this. Is this from Book 2? Must be, surely. (page 13) - "the divot in their arm" - To me, a divot is a grass thing, or gouge in some form of soft ground. I've never heard of a divot in a tree, or really in any hard surface. Gouge, to me, is a more visceral word, implying a (nasty) wound. - "over two months ago" - Ah, this is probably just Bookly Reading Syndrome, but I thought they had come through the portal from the battle with the LC, or, were these wounds incurred in the Book 1 battle with the LC in the Council Chamber? That would tie-in better with the timeline, I think? - "There are more estates further away from the city" - ??? - "M had left while they were talking..." - I don't think this is necessary. When dealing with a servant, I don't think you need to state that they have left, that would be the standard assumption. Even if still there, they would only speak when spoken to, surely, so I don't think the servant is important enough to be accounted for in the narrative. Harsh, but true, IMO. - "member of the maj" - ranking member of the Council, surely? - "travel time will become greater when we decide to go on the offense" - Would it? Not sure about this. If they are falling back because the El are expanding, then they will still have the same travel distance to 'the front' as it is pushing out. I accept there's a great distance to the Im, but they would have to take on the El at the front, surely. - "It’s a possibility" - This is the second time they've discussed GL, isn't it? Or wait, was that Man's crew? The dynamic of these two groups is really quite similar, their situation, their approach. Distinguishing between them is not automatic. I think it's fairly difficult. (page 14) - "It’s where most of the M live" - is it though, if large numbers are evacuating? I know some are evacuating within the Im, however there were also indications of large number using the portals, and therefore leaving the Im, presumably, if GL is the closest place that can be portalled to? - "why did those two come after us" - But they are intelligent, so it's not to do with eating, but with hunting and taking over the Im, isn't it? Surely Pan has missed the point here. - "complexity of the object" - What object? I don't understand. - "in order to the be determining what and why they are doing this" - (1) typo, I reckon; (2) grammar of the end part 'what' does not agree with 'doing this', grammatically. I know it's shorthand, but the question isn't clear. What he means, I'm sure, is 'what their goals are (goal is)', but this doesn't come across through the grammar of the sentence, IMO. (page 15) - There is a lot of discussion and consideration in this chapter, a lot of rumination and theorising. I think it can be cut down and/or rationalised a bit, BUT the discussion on this last page is much more relevant to the situation, much more forward-looking. Earlier debate is to a fair degree (I think) about what has happened (okay, the stuff about how to attack the El is not, but still...), but this talk about how to engage with the El is very interesting, to me anyway. - "only one other city large enough to attract" - Huh? I always thought P was a smaller place, a bit of a backwater. Wasn't that the whole point of putting the SOTH there? The impression given here, I think, is that P is bigger than any city on the home worlds, that can't be right, surely? - "not yet covered" - Sounds quite modern to me; 'considered'? - "crest swept out of that" - at? (page 16) - Nice reveal at the end. I had not considered that at all. Surprising yet inevitable!! Overall There's a lot to enjoy in this chapter. Sounds point of confusion for me, but nothing that isn't just a matter of clarification, I think. I reckon it would be worth trying to drive down the length of the chapter. It feels like there's a bit of flapping around to begin with, and that the first have could be more direct (and shorter). Thanks for sharing. Nice work. Still invested, and I'm feeling the tension is strong. I would like to see more El on screen though, to feel the threat is (even) greater. I don't feel there are anything like thousands of El in the Im, which was stated somewhere.
  15. It does. I had been enjoying the glow of that line for a handful of seconds before my physics brain tapped my consciousness on the shoulder. Lol. Very kind, although I don't agree with the premise of the comment, of course. I will try this at some point. Sounds excellent (in the right hands). Mmm. Yes. The more I think about this, the more excited I get about it. It could almost be like the end of a book, feeling as if we'd been following them for 20 chapters to get to that point (which we kind of have, of course).