Guru Coyote

Oh wow, more good points and suggestions! As a note: I totally don't mind if anyone points out issues that might come from English being my second native tongue. We all can be clumsy in out words, and I want to KNOW if I am. So thanks for that (and the suggestion), Robinski! Joan of Arc actually was a rather uneducated peasant girl... but I see the point she could have at least heard of elephants. The one thing she did not have a chance to know, and no one objected to that, are potatoes. I'll be very much working on the whole setup for the story, my current plan is to have Joan (Jeanne) work as a kitchen maid for the Bar 'n' Grill. That will address the money issue nicely, and also put her in the right location for several days for Temujin to spot her. Thanks everyone, once again, this has been most helpful.

Okay, thatks for those feedback notes, they give me a good impression of where to concentrate my revision efforts

Hey all What I'd like to know: * does it work over all? * what did you expect from the opening? And did the end relate to that expectation? * what did you especially like? I'm expecting to do some larger revisions on this once I get some feedback, so fine-grained edits aren't what I'm after right now. If you catch obvious mis-used words or tenses etc. do feel free to point them out. Thanks for your feedback -GC

This prodigal coyote would actually like to submit something for Monday

I'd like to submit something on Monday, 13th Jan. If I get it written, that is ^^

Hey Robinski any feedback is welcome, later or not. You are correct on many points: * yes, this is kind of a prolog to the other story... In the larger picture, it is the introduction for a character (Lei) who will play a larger tole in the things to come. Chronologicaly, this piece plays out several years before "No Thing" ... * I agree that in this form as you read it, this story is too brief and needs more detail. A lot has gone on since I wrote and posted this story here! I might post some more material from this setting, currently I'm working on some 'ancient myth' elements for the setting.

For once, I do not agree with most of what has been said before to me, the magic was clear and the significance of his own hair obvious. Also, Harry Potter was by far NOT what i thought when I read Phoenix. But then, I also think that unicorns and pink just don't go together. Anyway, I thought this piece powerful and evocative. The fact it was short... might even have strengthened that aspect. It has a dream-like quality. What I would offer in terms of critique is this: if this were my writing, I think I'd want to comb it through with a fine comb and see if I can remove some "had" had "was" ... for a flash fiction piece, fine-tuning every sentence can really do a lot. I do agree that this story *could* be made into a novella-length struggle. It has all the elements and conflict. It would be a different story though. Hope that helps.

Mandamon, regarding the spirit beast... I must say I also didn't catch the significance in regards to urVa. I took this hunter beast simply as a threat, someone/thing to be always lurking behind the characters, something to drive them on. The way you described the spirit beast - tentacles in the face if I recall - didn't suggest Skeksis... which I guess is as it might, with SkesMal being 'as a wild animal.' Plus, in your story there are no other Skeksis at all, so we also don't have any frame of reference in terms of description etc. The fact that the spirit beast IS the opposite to the Archer makes that part of the tale so much more integral. One thought regarding the paining though: I'm not sure if I recall this correctly, but in the film, did the Mystics and the Skeksis actually KNOW of the pairing? That for each of their deaths, the other would die too? I seem to recall that there was some narration claiming that the Mystics wandering towards the castle did not know why they were drawn there.... I could be wrong.

I'm still here Sorry for taking so long to read and comment, I'm starting a new job in a new town with all the fun that goes with that. The second part went well, I think. It's not a story with an ending, but I don't think you were aiming for that. It is a statisfying read, and I'd definitely read the whole novel after this. I like your handling of the Mystics, their gestures and thoughts very much. I agree that the dialog towards the end seems to change in style, I was jarred out fo the story once there. I liked how you used the number three as significant number. The constellation of the suns was a nice touch here. The end of the story felt very right: This Is The Beginning, the signs are set. All in all i think this is good Dark Crystal work, I felt like I was in the right universe Sorry to not have more detailed comments

Let me begin by saying that I, too, had considered entering this Quest. That other WiP and the fact that I return to working life on 1st October stopped me from persuing the idea much further than some initial ideas and reading all the material. To your piece: Yes, I think it hits the right style and evokes the world nicely. I especially liked how the opening is very typical of Gelfling, using mostly physical senses and very little verbalized thought or even dialog. I've read the original film novelization and must say your style here reminds me of the writing. With all that praise, you'll want some critique too, and some critical thoughts, so here we go: 1) The characters you set up are convincing and in-style of Dark Crystal. My thought here is only... maybe they are too close to the two Gelflings we already know? Make sure you disctinguish your two from those in the film. 2) The word-count of about 50k for the finished novel does call for a tight narrative, but I'd have liked more description of the world (flora and fauna). Also I like the location(s) you set up, although we won't likely be seesing much of that hidden palace? 3) I do like how you centralize the theme of the Skeksis Lie of being noble and benevolent. My only concern would be that this might be 'too early.' After all, this seems to be The Central Conflict that has been set out for the new stories to be written. I don't know, just my 2c here. All in all, I think this is solid Dark Crystal. I would definitely read more. I'm curious how the two characters you set up will meet, and what their adventure might be. The obvious one being: go see for real how the Skeksis are... And here, again, I think maybe it would be good to NOT do that, as it is the very obvious plot.

Thank you, Robinski! I don't think your comments are harsh at all. I want this story to become the best it can be, so I need comments just like these to find any and all weak spots. There is a very good reason for Eiji's rapid change of character... but it seems I failed to make that clear enough. Andrew's motivation and his reason and reasoning to go with the crime is definitely a weak spot of the story as it stands now. I will be working on that... and on making this a real stand-alone short story. You ask what people eat their food with... that is actually ansered in the story: wooden spoons and bowls in one scene. Oh, and the 'rod' thing is one I am very aware of... trying my best to dispel it. I'm getting the feeling that it's a connection I will not be able to avoid though... especially in stories or chapters where the actual rainmaking rituals are described... The thing about rainmakers and clear skies becomes clearer in the other story I posted recently... as that one deals more with Othek culture.

Thanks, Ria! You do raise some interesting points... I'll have to think about the 'separate offices' ... Also, I agree, in the frame of this one story, the reason for Snowcat being on the trek is weak... basically the merchant is combining two things: testing his aircraft and getting the tiger to Bazaarat... but for a short story, these two things would need more integral meaning. Lei's reactions to what occurs to her are, I admit, in need of some fleshing out. Turning into an animal is by no means normal or to be expected! Her emotional reaction to it needs work. Thanks for your input! And yes, there will be more eventually, as time permits. I'm moving to a new town and starting a new job on 1st of October... will have to see how that all develops.

Good point about the crops... I will have to work that out. Key here was to show the 'regulated weather' of Ohtek culture, esp. the almost constant cloud-cover the Stromlords keep over a region that would otherwise be very dry.

Ok, the grief and emotional response parts sure work. I'd agree with that director though... it might be nice if there was a little more mystery as in 'what's going on here?' to keep the attention up. One thing I thought worked rather well in the emotional response was Fred and his ignorance of what Jeff was dealing with.

This is interesting... two people seem to have taken the tiger thing completely from opposite sides. jParker said it was almost to obvious and Mandamon didn't see it at all. I really wonder what did that. As to what Stone said about the tiger: thing is, he is just as fooled by Snowcat as anyone else. But what I might need to change is the fact that Stone calls the tiger Snowcat... how would he know that then...

Maybe I'm old and anachronistic. I do have an answering machine on the land-line, and I do also have a cellphone. It's rather common in my experience. Especially if you have both cell and land-line. In regards to the script itself, I haven't read many, so I have no real idea of how one 'should' be. I thought it was well written in the sense that it communicated what was to be seen on screen. I'm not sure, but I thought there was a slight mix of pure 'what we see' and narrative and dialog. Now to the 'story.' Most of the story made perfect sense to me, even to the bit with him not jumping 'just because a dog barked.' I think you have something in there about him remembering his own dog scratching the door etc. What I didn't quite get - and this is me talking as a fellow story-teller - is this: what is your intention with this piece, what did you want to communicate? Is there a message/moral/twist etc? Or is the goal here to simply draw a picture of grief? Or did you want to have the viewer wonder what exactly had happened? If that's it... well I thought it was rather obvious he had just lost his woman. Anyway, I think it works well in painting Jeff's grief and loss, I just don't really see where else you might be aiming, if anywhere

I'm glad jParker took the role of stern critic We all know and remember how it can sting when someone picks out all the flaws of our writing. I'd like to point out some other observations I had while reading, which are more to do with content than language. First: There must be something about this story - I did read it all the way to its end. I agree with jParker that having a purely robotic protagonist for the first part of this story is a very hard sell. There is just so little why a reader might care about a machine. One thing I think you tried to do, and which I liked, is show the transition from purely robotic to self-aware AI the protagonist undergoes. If that's what you tried, there are a few places where this get's broken: You do have some reflective thought for 3-Mac at the beginning of the story, when he wouldn't be having 'thoughts' at all. Also, you have a scene where 3-Mac observes himself in a mirroring plate of metal. I see why you did this, to be able to describe to the reader how the robot looks. It kills the 'pure-logic' aspect though. At that point the machine wouldn't give a fig about its reflection, and later in the story, when it/he would, it's too late. I'd recommend going with plain description by the narrator here. Just tell us what the machine looks like. And a suggestion of how you can improve those repetitive words and passive voice etc. I'm not sure if you already know of this tool, but it nicely marks out those issues. Paste in a bit of your prose and tweak it until the tool stops complaining. I'm not suggesting you write like the tool suggests, but trying to satisfy it is a great learning experience http://prowritingaid.com and its free, so there.

Mandamon, in contrast to the Bone story, this one is definitely meant as part of something bigger. The X-2 name is due to the requirements of the challenge I submitted this version to, it had to have 'an X'. It's interesting that you did not pick up on the connection between Snowcat and the old man. Lei does not have animal telepathy, it is Snowcat who can speak this way in tiger-form. As to how and in what form this story will end up, I don't know yet. Chronologically it belongs one or two years before the action in No Thing, but I wouldn't work as the opener to the bigger story - this is really the background story for Lei, who will meet Andrew later. I need to stop blabbering now, or I'll be giving out spoilers, hahaha Thanks for your feedback too, Mandamon! As always very useful.

Interesting that you should say that about exposition, jParker. I do see your point about description, I have written this with only bare-bone descriptions. Initially to keep the word-count down (target was max 5k). I will definitely be adding more of that in a later stage. The thing about explaining things... maybe you could quote a specific example? I'm on a balancing act here: if I explain to little, the reader might well jump to conclusions about culture that are 'expected' ... in this case, the role of gender. There are several occasions where things may well have hinted at 'oppressed role of girls/females' which is NOT Ohtek culture. Regardng the 'were' and what... well werewolves, dragons, airships and whatnot have also all been done over and over again... the fact that Snowcat can shape change to a tiger form is less of a core feature, it's just who he is and what he can do. Just like some characters have pointy ears And in regards to the world, it is neither common nor known that there those who can shape shift. No race of were tigers, no packs of werewolves, promise. I am considering sparkly vampires. Oh wait, just kidding! Thanks for the feedback!

So here it is, the second story in the same world as "No Thing Harder Than Bone". This one is more of a background story for some of the characters that will play a major role in later happenings. Feedback of any kind welcome

I'd like to post a story on Sept 9th too, which is related to the last one.

Mandamon and cjhuitt, thank you very much for that feedback. Very helpful questions raised indeed. I feel tempted to answer them right here and now, but that's not the way an author should I am working on a larger work, but have no idea when anything is ready. My goal for "No Thing Harder Than Bone" is for it to be a stand-alone short story of max 10k words - for now. I do have another story ready that is also part of the bigger work, but it does not explain much of the questions raised with this one.

Hey Ben! I think you have something here, but as Ria already noted it has a few issues as it is now. I'll assume this is a first draft. One thing I did notice though: you switch tenses a lot, and a some places you switch for 3rd person (Jerome did...) to 1st (I did...) I agree fully to what Ria noted about the Carl interlude. I leke that part, only I had no clue how it fit in where it is now Regarding this being the 1st chapter, I think you managed to show the reader enough glimpses of the world and its workings to make us ask questions and see if the rest of the story will supply answers (mystery). What you need to work on IMHO is "who is the MC and why should I care for him?" Especially the why should I care. You manage to make me care about the young couple, about Carl... but Jerome? A word about switching POV in this 1st chapter: I don't see why. All could be told from just Jerome's POV. Ok, hope this helps, let's see chapter 2

Hey This is a short story I'm actively working on, so it may still have some rough edges editing-wise. What I am looking for is your impressions / comments as reader. The theme for the collection this will go into is "New Myths" and so the 'myth' part should be central. I'd love to hear any comments, suggestions etc. Did the myth come across? Does the story have a satisfying conclusion for you? Would you like more detail on some things or less on others? (´Sidenote: as it stands here, the story should be read as a stand-alone short story, but a different version of it will be part of a much larger work I am writing) Enjoy, and looking forward to your thoughts!

Woohoo! Doesn't that feel just great I recently passed my exam as a certified software developer So. Anyway. Even if I have been shamefully absent from this list... I have something in the works I'd love some feedback on. Can I submit this comming Monday?