cetriya

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About cetriya

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    http://decisiveorigin.com/

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    florida
  1. I only read the first 2 points as not to spoil it for me but your list is a wonderful example. I've read up to ch.4, but noticed that you summarized it in one point. This shows that the pacing for these chapters were slow and weighty with not enough things going on to wait till the 5th chapter to introduce Sam. You're telling me a lot of background info that I don't need, while not giving me any emotional descriptions of this very foreign world to get a feel for it. This messes up the rhythm of reading the story. for example, here's the 1st paragraph: Origon stepped onto the portal grounds near Kashidur City on Methiem. 3 foreign nouns and ambiguos description (what do you mean by portal grounds? I don't figure this out till ch4 as a portal hub to different locations) in the 1st sentence doesn't really draw me in. In fact, you can just cut this out and just start on the next sentence. Excitement tinged the air. He could feel it coursing through the crowd around him. After this, I would give a visual example of 'excitement' that would match the tone of the story. Someone doing something. what I mean is, an excited crowd would be different depending on types of people, location and reason for gathering. This seems to be a gathering of scientists, socialites and business people which would be different from a gathering at a beach concert. So, what do you mean by 'excitement' ? By the Great Winged One, he could even see it—tinges of crystal yellow of the House of Communication rode the rumors and gestures circulating through the crowds of people. This is an awkward sentence because its an info drop. One that is too early for me to have a frame of reference to care. The first part notes that he has some sort of a religious background so thats fine. The 'tinge of crystal yellow of the House of communication ...' at first I though it was colored garments for representation but then 'rode the rumors and gestures...' and now I'm lost to what this means. I sorta figure this out as a sense of 'aura' by end of ch.3, so I think its too early to introduce. Also, both 'crystal' and 'circulating' can be taken out because what is 'crystal yellow'? Is it like citrine? then best to say that. Make your adjective work more. 'Circulating' is repetitive since you typed 'rode' in the same sentence describing the same thing. Most of them were of the robust Methiemum, of course, but glancing around, he could see a few of each of the other ten species. By the end of ch.4 I still don't know what a Methiemum looks like so I how can I know what 'robust' mean? You're comparing size from the point of view of a species I can't relate to about another sepcies I can't relate too. Size is relative, and not the best thing to use when describing something (example, a 'little side table' vs 'a night stand' , or a 'huge man' vs 'an elephant of a man'). Also, this is the 1st time you mention the number of species. You mention it again in dialog in ch.4 in dialog which is the better spot to mention it. This sentence is also another info drop that isn't needed since you introduce the species as you go. You can cut this out. He was sure not all were here with admirable aims. This latest proof of the Methiemum’s ingenuity grated on some of the slower or more cautious species. After this sentence is when I would suggest some description of the Methiemum. ____ This is how most all of the first 4 chapters read, a lot of info drops with no description of what I do need to know. In one paragraph I'm given 3 names and 1 organization with no description You have more names of things, I cant put an image to, pop up like Rilan. All I know is that she's female (how does a female of this species look like? why the very human reference to a corset? are they all humanoid? with one head, two arms, two legs, ect?). Whats a kelhiw? is it an extension of self? like a soul thing? or mental will power? I don't mind not knowing for the 1st chapter but by the 4th, I should have a working understanding of how Origon and the Maji works. Are the house separated by genetic ability? Do they really look that different or are they like us, just different races but more similar then different? Also, if the farther distance to travel by portal is easier, and I assume thats how these species got together in the first place, then why is Origon excited? If they can travel to the other side of the universe and he's part of the house of communication, then i don't see why they don't spend their energy in communication devices where they can just send probes through the portal to see its ok for people to travel through instead of rocket ships (that still need magic to function). it would be like us making air plains if we had the ability to fly. By the rules of your story, I'd see them work on having better local car transportation then space ships. Right now I feel that its all unevenly yoked. I don't have a sense of what the story is about. I love space scifis and am glad one of the readings has one (convinced by my wall of text yet?). I'd say all of what happend (minus the who did what talk between Origon and Rilan) should happen in the 1st chapter so a lot of pruning and tightening. I'll comment on the rest of the story soon.
  2. Why did you decide to set the story with gods? I ask because so far, I don't understand why have a gods story since everything thats going on is very human. Since you're creating your own magic/ mythos system, You haven't established what uniquely makes this story better told with gods who can kill each other, as main characters. Because of this, I'm not invested in finding out what happens next. Not that I would stop reading, more like if you decided to just stop, I won't think over it much. Also, if you were to try to summarize what this story is about to a passer by, what would you say? This might help me to know where you're coming from since I don't read much about magic systems. I might be bias and don't know it. As for Neda's background, it makes sense she's the priestess of the god of vengeance What doesn't make sense is why she and head priestess, left her temple to a foreign god and doesn't over see that the followers aren't neglected.
  3. same here, if you could send me the previous chapters to, cetriya @yahoo.com
  4. either download the mp3 from a web browser on your phone or save it to your computer and use a usb connector and transfer your files into the download folder of your phone. you access them through your 'files' app and use an mp3 player app
  5. I like Pythia's pov and I didn't feel confused with the merger of her and Ashera's pov. What really felt awkward to me is when Pythia explains Niko's ( why Niko for a name? its a Japanese brand name, I'd go with Nikos) previous personality and now. Its too much telling, especially about his silver eyes. Thats something you can introduce later. I think what would really help is show more of Pythia's reaction to things. Not just in witty comments, but her expressions, emotions, quirks, pet peeves. I dont know about your thoughts, but I'd imagine that I'd freak people out with all that goes on in my head.
  6. I think this chapter has space for more world building. The only scenes I've gotten is the temples and night city streets. This chapter was just one long scene from Neda to Mahaus. I don't know how to picture the world so I'm defaulting to imagry from other fantasy stories. Your writing is light so don't be afraid to make your chapters longer. I feel that you should have some sort of scene to explain more of either character motivation and/ or magic/god system. You don't have to explain everything all at one time, but each chapter should add to the other. My specific questions is why does god Mahaus has hip problems and why do gods need guards I don't mind waiting to find out how one gets their powers and become gods since thats a significate part of the mystery. Like what others have said, you need to show more then tell and think about why you're showing something. I don't have enough of Neda or Mahaus to understand their characters or relationship, but this is not a bad point. I generally don't make opinions of person so quickly because people have layers to their personality. Just noting that you'll have to have them come up in the story more often and eventually explain their back story.
  7. As I'm new to writing, I can only comment as a reader. Mahau's part was intriguing and gave a very noir feel. I do like how you described his powers and how he see's the world but some of it was too much and slowed down the reading. Though it feeling can just be my preference and if you did it deliberately then its ok. If this was ment to have more tension, then each time you gave a bit of back info (like who and why wanted this women killed, and how she should be killed, and why this was significante since the reader won't see this husband) it takes me out of the moment. Arlon and Forys reads a lot like typical disney villans, the bostras bad guy and his reluctant minon. The plan is generic but thats not problem since its still an effective plan, its how you go about it. Having Arlon just walk in and scoop up the scene like that makes the story feel comical. If this was intentional then I can see how this will be interesting when Arlon and Mahau cross paths. Other wise, I feel that Peacok's reaction doesn't make sense. He has power, survived a horrible trail yet he doesn't just dismis Arlon? It doesn't have to be a violent dismissal but at least an eye roll? This chapter didn't end on anything enticing, it just stopped. I feel (just a feeling) that we should have read more of Mahau's pov of the world and then end chapter.
  8. "Pg 3: "viewed the graphic user interface, GUI, screen." -you don't need to explain GUI to a SciFi audience." I've had classmates ask me what that was, but I agree that I shouldn't need to explain it to scifi audience (most were fantasy and slice of life readers). 4 POVs I"m going to cut out Ms. Luwon's scene since she's not a main character but a supporting character and that scene was for world building. I'm going to change how I re introduce the government building. Its kinda hard how to do this with prose only. I"m drawing from film and comics so if I was drawing this out, every time to switch POV of character like that phone scene with Stravo and Choli it would have a lot of cuts. How do you write this? I want to add tension with Choli noticing the sliding items at the cafe. This is because the area affected by the quakes isn't where Stravo and Luwon works at. "I get a strong Anime vibe from your writing, especially in the scene on the monorail. This isn't bad, but be careful you don't copy too much from that medium (if that's what you're doing). " Not currently. I haven't watched an anime in over 5 years now and before then, was pretty sporadic after highschool (still love the drawing style, mostly late 80s to early 2000's) . My main influence right now are genre TV shows and movies. I don't like how I ended that monorail scene but I'm leaving it there until I understand Choli's character more. "You've also got a lot of future technology crammed into the pages, and you may need to slow down a little on introducing it, so as not to overwhelm the reader. " what tech are you referring too? Most of the tech we have some version of it, robotics, tablets, virtual games, monorail, cars (not hover cars). Let me know so I can expand on them. " For the breakfast scene, Ace knows who is in the kitchen, so she can think 'Dad stood there' instead of 'A man stood there'. Once you change that, you can still have Mrs Luwon being referred to 'A woman', which will show how much Ace despises her stepmother." I've been getting a lot of frustrated comments about this scene.Neither Mr nor Mrs. Luwon are biological parents to Stravo and Asara. I try to slowly build characters through their interactions. Stravo doesn't call neither of them Mom or Dad since he was old enough to remember his real parents. Asara has taken a liking to Mr. Luwon so calles him Dad. I don't think its just my horrible sense of tenses that made it annoying to read. So any tips on this? "I don't care much for the ending because even if it's been foreshadowed, I don't see what impact it has on the characters. I took it as a short story, so there's no resolution for me there. If it's the opening of a novel, then I'm fine with it." No conflict happen for it to be a short story, so yeah its only ch.1 of a novel. Thanks for your comments. I leaving this for a few more days before I go back and edit since its still fresh in my mind.
  9. since I'm new, any way I can get the previous chapter (s) ?
  10. since I'm new, any way I can get the previous chapter (s) ?
  11. I"m open for questions that comes up in the reading. I don't want to frustrate readers with my story, I want you guys to be intrigued but I don't know when it's too much or not enough. I'm really open for critique so don't hold back. Holding back will simply hold me back as a writer. And thanks for reading.
  12. HI. I'm new here and yeah I've read the submission guideline. I'm also new to writing and not much of a reader until my writing for YA class (with an awesome professor) and already have a nice list to plow through (so I'm open to suggestions). I have my 1st chapter to my story I'd like to submit. Doesn't have to be this coming monday, but I do have it complete and going to complete the 2nd chapter soon. ch.1 runs about 3500 words. Let me know when I'm next. Thanks for having me, and I hope to be helpful too.