Guenhywvar

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About Guenhywvar

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  1. I must say, I forgot about writing excuses until a little popup for the dropbox folder caught my attention today... I will try and read through the alpha stuff, by now I will have too much backlog to do the main submissions that I have missed, however, I will try commenting on any from this point on... And hey guys, how's life been?
  2. Generally, I will read most books recommended to me, or those by authors I've already read/liked. However: Last but not least: My books will be as follows (hopefully) - most of these are only thoughts... Ackrilkorm (Death's embrace) saga: To embrace death Turmoil Death walkers Intertwined death Corruption Living Statues Stolen souls Equilibrium Another book that I can't think of a good name as of yet A trilogy as of yet unnamed The traveler Then unrelated books: Nightfighter (possibly 2) Symbiotic communication The silent Shadows.
  3. OK, I thoroughly enjoyed reading the submission, it was engaging and had very interesting concepts. I know you say that English isn't your first language, and I'm afraid to say that this did show... You constantly use "though" instead of "thought" (I know this could be a mistype, or that it is auto-corrected to this form something else, but it still stood out), and some of the grammatical syntax was off - This should read "as with politics," - just a little note... But also, something that I've seen quite frequently throughout your work, (and I know it's one of the first drafts, and I know my grammar isn't perfect in my drafts either, but you will often right something like this: There should be a comma after king as they are two separate clauses. In the speech, you have treated it as a mix between a speech tag and an action tag weirdly, as you end the first set of speech with a full stop (like an action tag) but then you start what would be the action with an uncapitalised letter (speech tag property), and put a full-stop at the end like you would for an action tag, and then start the next speech mark with a capital letter, as if he had just done an action. However, this is assuming it is one bit of thought, as it certainly reads as one. If it is indeed an action, and he is saying it out-loud rather than thinking it, and then he thinks in the middle, then you should capitalise the "he". This, if you look at the example below, however, does not flow. This should read: "Find something we can use," he thought, "right now..." Or: "Find something we can use." He thought. "Right now..." - However, this would imply that a) he had time to think in the middle of a battle, and it doesn't flow.. - And that's the last I'll say about grammar, as I know unless you want it, it can become very tiresome. (Sorry about how much there was) The opening line was a little bit of a mouthful, try breaking it up possibly? Also, I wasn't 100% sure what you were trying to say, where you trying to say that he was looking at the letter in the dim light of the candle, or that he looked at the letter, and then looked at the dim light of the candle? It is the second one that comes across in the writing, however, I think it's the former that you mean to get across, would I be right in thinking that? Possibly if you changed it to: - Even this doesn't read perfectly, I know, although it gives a clearer idea to the reader of what you're trying to say if it is indeed the former. Just a note, it took me several readings to get what you meant by this, I assumed that the sword meant that Ethranel was correct in his trail of thought, however, this didn't make sense. I had to read it several times to understand that the sword meant that the assassin was to his right - maybe you could make this a little clearer? (Or maybe I'm just slow haha, always a possibility haha) Another note, on the top third of page 4, you capitalise "Artefact", and then later you say "artifical" instead (no capital) - Although, is it meant to be a capital on both? (I'm assuming that was a nice old spell check...) Also, at the bottom bit of page 4, you have him think in italics, whereas you use speech marks for the rest of the thoughts. Is he not communicating through this one, because it certainly seems as if he should. This seems to contradict itself... You're saying that he could feel the resistance as it cut through the chest, and then saying that the rune absorbed the blow instead of him, even though he knows that the wound he made is no longer there, suggesting that it had previously. To me, at least, that sounds off. Is this rune just healing him? Or is it taking the blow for him? If the latter is the case, why does it smell of burning flesh? I think it is the former, and so i would advise rewording the last sentence so that it doesn't contradict itself in the same way (again, this could just be me...) What are you trying to say here? For this confuses me- who had missed? From the sentence is suggests that Aethor had missed when he tried to throw some knives, and yet the knives are flying towards him...? Did he miss with the sword? In that case, make it a little clearer this is what he's doing, because as I've said, this implies that he has missed with his own knives... Again, two lines down "When had he thrown his dagger" the "he" is still referring to Aethor at this moment in time. Something I haven't brought up yet, but am curious about, why does the sword refer to Aethor as "Ethranel"? Is this a trait, that all Runeblades have a separate name that they're referred to by their sword? Is it just him? Sorry, I'm just a little curious... Overall, I found the concepts extremely interesting, and the book engaging, and would love to read more of it in the future (sorry once again about the grammar, if, in future, you wish for me not to comment on it, then go ahead and tell me (: )
  4. OK, thank you very much guys! I have decided to cut most of the prologue down, to little over 1000 words, and redraft that bit in the next redraft (Redraft the bit from "The sun started to set behind Enthisa, casting an amber glow across the water" to the end of that scene, and I'll try and explain what's happening a little better, so that it doesn't feel as random...) I think most of the problems stem from the fact that what is happening in this prologue is basically a book in itself, and is the book I plan to write next... Because of this, not everything will have been explained to almost any extent, hence leaving the reader slightly puzzled... So, if I take out most of it, and include a redrafted version in the book I plan for later, then it'll be put in a better context... I can see what you're saying, Jack, about locking the well, and that would work, to an extent, although, that goes back to the earlier point, that it is a book in itself (indeed, the main characters in the prologue aren't the main characters in the main book, which is another reason I have chose to cut it, due to And it isn't entirely relevant...If I'm strictly honest, only the destroying the world, and Hinther are relevant, as this is milenia before the events of the story line... The only difference between having it in the prologue and having it later, would mean that people would not see the flaws in the main Religion in the book as soon, which is both good and bad... Asmodemon, I've never noticed myself doing that before, but now that I look I can see that my whole book is suffering from this haha, so I'll need to cut it out. As a side note, I've tried to make it in this book, that the reader makes their mind up of who is good and evil, and I explore whether what they're doing is necessarily evil, or indeed good... And manipulation is one of the key themes in the book... The Gods are, as you've found out, mass murders.. Some feeling more remorse than others, and are, and always will be, guilty to at least some extent - While they are teaching others magic, they're teaching the damaging effects that it can have, and are forced to respond to Cekoti's overuse of magic... Dialogue is, and always has been my weakest point, I must confess, although I had thought that I had managed to remove most of the maid/butler talk, and the stilted dialogue.. Could you help me find what's still left in there? OK, I'll try to convey magic a little bit better, although as most of it will be cut, I'll make sure that I express it quite clearly in the rest of the book - as for the sword, I can see what you mean by it being anti-climatic, and will try to rectify that when it's used later in the book... I see what you mean about the Dragons, although in the main book they get very little mention, so as I'm taking that out, I'll keep it in mind for the other book... Thank you guys once again It's been a great help!
  5. Jack, thank you for your time, although, I have a couple of questions, and would ask if you could elaborate a little? Could you tell me what it is that bores you? And could you tell me why you think it is random? As for the limitations, there are more limitations, although not all of these are expressed in the prologue, would you suggest implementing all these limitations into the prologue, even though they've been slipped in later in the novel? Just a question, as this confuses me a little, if they were to use magic to stop the problem of using too much magic, how would this help? They'd be using even more magic, which would make the situation even worse... Could you tell me exactly why this is the case? - Also could you tell me in what ways it could be improved? As this is an extremely vague statement, and doesn't help me much... As I have expressed earlier, the magic does have limitations, one of them being that, at any one point there is only a finite amount of "energy" available, and that "energy" is the source of magic, as well as the energy of the universe... I haven't expressed that in the prologue, as it may verge on info-dumping, and, I have managed to get it in later on... This is why you may find the magic system to be slightly difficult to follow, as all the rules haven't been expressed yet... What makes it so that you don't relate? How does the magic push you away? I'm sorry, although the general statements didn't really help me; I can't improve the writing otherwise... I'm not trying to defend my work, I'd just like to have a clearer idea of why it has the effects it does on you, as otherwise it'd be impossible to improve.. While knowing what is wrong helps to some extent, I need to know why that is, in order to be able to fix it...
  6. OK, this is the prologue for my novel Turmoil which is now in its second draft. It is still over the word count, unfortunately, being about 7.5k words, but as it is only 3 scenes, I cannot break it up that well. I'm sorry for this. There is slight violence in the prologue. As it is now in the second draft, please be as critical as you feel you need to be, it can only serve to better my writing. In the prologue you follow Enthisa ascending into Godhood, and you meet two siblings, Athir and Hinther, who have unfinished business with each other.
  7. If possible that'd be great It does feel good to be able to invest time in hobbies again though...
  8. OK, most of the pressure is now off me exams wise, so I should be critiquing a little bit more regularly. I'll have a lot to catch up on, and hope to get through most of what I've missed... Anyway, I have chapters to submit when it's okay to send them... Guenhywvar.
  9. OK, my last exam that I can really work hard towards was earlier today, and so I decided to start on the backlog that I've received... I haven't critiqued much before, and so I'm unsure how helpful this will be... Before I start I'd like to say that I enjoyed the chapter as a whole, and will certainly read more in future, however, I agree with a lot of what the others have said, and I probably can't add too much. I am not trying to be mean, but just saying my immediate reactions. Something I noticed is that, for me at least, it was quite difficult to get into the flow. It seemed more like a series of events that are being listed opposed to a story. For example: Furthermore, I think you try to cram too much into one sentence. It's a mouthful to try and read - I think that if you introduce the characters with names this may be a little less of the case, as I'm sure that it's the repetition of "the" that creates this. As the others have touched upon, it seems unnecessary to keep them unnamed, we don't get as attached to the characters, and it makes it more awkward for you to describe what is happening. However, this isn't the only reason why it felt as if it's like a list, it was also quite jarring from paragraph to paragraph such as: To me, that brings me out of the narrative, which, in turn, makes me less interested in the story. I like to be able to read something through without any breaks in the narrative, unless they're intended to be there - like scene and chapter breaks. On the narrative itself, I found it to be lacking almost. You have a very minimalistic style, and that's fine, some people prefer writing like that. However, at no point are the characters really described - we're told that the woman has long brown hair, and that they are about the same height, but we're not really told anything else other than that their fingers are wrinkled as they get out of the bath. As a result we don't really connect to the characters as much as we could have. We feel as if we know characters better if we know what they look like. (Or maybe that's just me, I don't know) Anyway, I second that it is more told, rather than shown, and that the grammar really detracts from the story, and for me, the style also does this. - As Asmodemon said, many of the sentences do tend to ramble a little. Well, those were my immediate reactions to the scene, and I hoped it helped at least a little... I hope you don't see me as being harsh; I'm honestly not trying to be... Also, I know this is a first draft, however, grammar really does help the reader, and I personally spent a couple of hours just looking over various uses of punctuation, dialogue tags, action tags etcetera before I started writing seriously. All in all, I think you've got some interesting ideas, although at the moment there are things that draw me out of the narrative, making it harder for me to read it.
  10. urgh, guys I'm sorry.. Work sort of took over (school work that is) and I've been unable to critique the submissions as of yet, but I'll get around to it sometime in the next couple of months (as in a couple a week). I'll try to keep up, but am unsure if I'll be able to do so because of the exams that are coming up very soon. That said, this'll do as English revision I will have work to submit soon after those exams... Hope to read your submissions soon
  11. Hello Turos and others I haven't seen before... OK, finally back from exams...So should be more active now...I will try to get through all the reviews now, but..There are lots of them to do, and I have a headache at this moment in time so it won't be happeneing right now, probably do some of the older ones tomorrow... guen.
  12. OK, taking a little break from revision, and saw this, so I thought I might as well... I'm Guenhywvar or Guen, and I am an English writer. I write because I find it calming, instead of venting my emotions on other people, I can write them away some of the time, and when I can't, it takes my mind of it, so a win win situation I guess. Being a teenager I an guided by hormones, so getting angry can happen very frequently, so I have rather a lot of time to write. When not revising I write with a little bit of games on the side, I love to write, but actually want to be a doctor. Hasn't always been this way, being dyslexic I struggled in English early on, and being as stubborn as a mule, I never wanted to do what other people suggested. But I liked writing somewhat, but got frustrated when it didn't work...Nothing really has changed apart from how badly it doesn't work... I write mainly because I enjoy it, apart from that it is to express thoughts and convey ideas. Favourite books, easily Wheel of Time (which introduced me to Brandon and eventually this site). Other than that and Brandon's books? Not sure, my revisions ones have certainly been read the most...
  13. Could you clarify what you mean by it jumps back and fourth?- Message me if you want... Other than that, thank you. I see what you are saying about the long sentences, I don't seem to realise that I do it...I will make the appropriate changes. As for the amount of information. It's funny that you say that it sounds like a story in itself, that was almost the plan; to expand the prologue into a book at a later time. That said, I do feel like there is too much trying to be conveyed, it was meant to be a summary of the creation etc. To explain what exactly has happened. If this is the case, I might cut out the trip to the Gods for their permission, and possibly trim extensively the Daemons being banished. Regards, Guen.
  14. I agree with Kate for the 26th, but I think that the 2nd should also be off; I have very little time right now, first time I have been able to get on this week. After that I will be critiquing all the backlog I have just got. But for these two weeks I think most people will be busy and those that do submit might not get the same reception, making it quieter than it already is. guen.
  15. Nope, that is the sort of critiquing I was kinda looking for, what works, and what doesn't. First of yes, I'm English. So effectively, I need to be careful about info-dumping in scenes and work on the dialogue, fair enough, I will work on that. Fair point, yes they are casting for hours, magic on that scale takes some time in this book, it isn't a wand, poof done magic, it is a construction magic, as you have probably gathered. They are just powerful magi in the book, or at least in the beginning. Then they destroy their world, because of the price of magic, and set themselves up as Gods in their own world. (The price of magic is energy, it is all sourced from the universe's core, which will produce energy over time as a product of expansion. When this energy is drained, the universe will implode on itself, destroying any life that is in it, and create a new one in its place, conserving energy) The point of the book I would say, or at least one of the key themes that really got me writing was, 'What is good? What is bad? Are they opposites? Can you justify either? Is it just a matter of perspective? If you regret something, is that enough to make it less evil?' etc... I will probably go for the latter reason, and really explain more... The Gods created 12 universes; two per God in essence. Each was put in charge of those two realms to nurture them etc, but they were governed as a whole. These were later called realms, in which one could pass interchangeably between by using soul magic, or using the teleportation chambers. Not meant to be funny, didn't even realise that...Change to, 'Oh, how she hated death; it was pointless.'? Stilted speech, info dumps. Got it She assumes magic because that is what he is referring to, I will make that clearer though. OK, will change the second parts to thought rather than speech. Yes, Athir is dead, but her role comes into play later in the story, so it hasn't all been lost. OK, how would you suggest making the death slightly better? I know it seems to just drop off, but I wasn't aware that it seemed anticlimactic. About removing the prologue, do you mean remove the whole thing, because it jumps to completely different characters, you don't even meet Turmoil, Hinther, until later in the book. And even then, he isn't openly him, per Se, but explaining that would kind of ruin the plot. As for the Gods, well: OK, there are 5 elements, and the original Gods (so the ones that Enthisa, Cekoti etc had considered Gods) were concepts of the elements, there were five of them, hence the alters at the isle of the Gods. Cekoti etc are all siblings, there are six of them. But Cekoti has rebelled against the other five, wanting all the power/glory for himself, sick of being looked down upon by the other five Gods, all of which are his elders.