Skyhunter Commander

I'm not sure about a series, but the Magic: The Gathering novel for the Lorwyn set (titled Lorwyn or something like that) has a society of elves that hate anything they deem 'not pretty'.

I'll be there as well.

Thanks for the comments. The story arc of Darkclaw and his struggle with the unwanted emotions is probably going to be coming to a head in a few chapters, so I need to make sure that things are escalating enough so that the payoff is good when we get there. That's why in my opinion this chapter and the next several are among the most important as far as Darkclaw's development goes. I see what you meant about the repetition. Some of that I think is coming from the fact that I'm writing chapters in smaller chunks lately, so I probably lost track of when I inserted certain details and just wrote it again. Though in my experience thus far, it's easier to edit by cutting extraneous bits than being too sparse and having to add things/rework the whole thing. On to a couple of the more specific things you mentioned. The mentioning of a test and then no test--That's a case of me writing the segment and then forgetting about it for the rest of the chapter. Looking back, however, I don't think it would work to have some sort of test take place in this chapter, though I would have Nayasar say that she'll do one at some point. Would you be able to pinpoint where the Nayasar/Felivas banter got to be too much? I am open to lessening it a bit (though it is how they'll interact when together), though I don't plan on cutting too much of it since it serves to do more than just show their relationship-it also has impact on Darkclaw, who by just listening is forced to try and comprehend the conversation, which has effects on his own issues at this point. I agree with what you said about Darkclaw only asking two questions. I think I stopped where I did because it felt right, forgetting that Darkclaw might have more questions. I'll add in a reason why he only ended up asking the two. I like your idea about having the mind-clearing be off-screen. While I need it to be clear that it's still very much a battle for him, and that having emotion flashes =/= him now being an emotional being, I see your point about the tension, and that having him appear at the start of the next chapter, mind clear, would accomplish the same thing but without the more blatant easing of tension by showing it. I probably will show him consciously clearing his mind at some point, but I can probably find a better moment for it. Oh, about your question about the guards at the end--that was just bad pronoun use on my part. I meant for Darkclaw to be referring to Nayasar and Felivas, but upon rereading it I can see why you thought he was referring to the guards.

We're back to Darkclaw and Nayasar this time (though it's all from Darkclaw's POV) as Darkclaw decides to be proactive about dealing with his emotion flashes. Brief Summary: Darkclaw rendezvous with the Felinaris after both of their victories. Darkclaw decides to exchange full reports with Nayasar in person, in addition to spending time with her and Felivas, in the hope that in learning more about the Felinaris he will be able to at least deal with the emotion flashes until a more permanent solution can be found. As I mentioned in the email, this chapter is among the most important in the entire story, so any comments and questions are more important here than usual. So far I'm pleased with the chapter, and my alpha readers both liked it (according to one it was the his favorite chapter thus far) but I really want to be sure that everything that need to happen and get across in the chapter is working. I forgot to mention this in the email, but I apologize that it's a bit long. My chapters seem to be growing as I move further along in the narrative. And the next chapter is shaping up to be even longer... (And again, if anyone who joined recently wishes for me to send them the previous chapters I would be more than happy to do so.)

^^Sorry to hear that. Hopefully you won't be out too long. On an unrelated note, I will have another chapter ready for this coming week.

Thanks for commenting. It seems like most of the problems here are related to the first Dalcon chapter, which makes sense. Part of the issue with his arc is that in previous drafts he really only appeared when he was needed to do something. Now that I've decided to make him have a more full storyline, I've already upped the number of chapters he'll get, but I may need to add another couple in the next draft/later on. Also, based on your comments and the comments on Dalcon's previous chapter, I think I'll just go and rewrite it for the next draft. In regard to the story as a whole, I don't see Dalcon as a third main character, but more as a secondary main character (secondary to Darkclaw and Nayasar). In my current outline, he has another short chapter or section of a chapter, and then in his next full chapter is where things start to go worse for him. And about his role within the larger government, to use a bad analogy, he's the Vader to the First Scion's Emperor: The field commander, who often takes part directly. And yeah, there is a bit of a hole there with what happened between his last chapter and this one. In the next draft, I'll either add another chapter for him or have him mention in this one where he's been since then. It's basically meant to be that he recently arrived on the planet, and first heard about the failed attacks not from his superiors. Yeah, the brevity podcast was a good one. It's too bad I'd already written this chapter. Though the thing is, I've found that in general I tend to be almost to brief, trying to avoid dragging things out. I guess I'd have to drag something eventually. Also, regarding you first remark, was that referring specifically to Dalcon's plotline, or to the story as a whole? (Though, given that I have not been submitting on any sort of regular schedule, it is definitely harder to get drawn in/stay engaged. Hopefully once I get to the next draft/submit another story that won't be an issue)

I apologize for getting to this so late, but I wanted to comment on the prologue before I get to the main story. I've haven't read through the comments/discussion here, so I may very well be repeating things already said. I enjoyed the prologue. Anything at all confusing was at least mostly clear by the time I finished it, and the fact that it's a prologue allows for things to go unexplained. I do hope the story finds its way back here at some point, though what will happen there I don't know as it doesn't seem like Iraisa will be seen again. I liked the world that was set up, which is why I hope to see it again, though I understand why the entire story isn't set there. The only (slight) issue I have is with the dinosaurs. Not the dinosaurs themselves, (I've always loved dinosaurs, and if you read any of my story yet I suspect you saw some influence of that there) but the use of the word dinosaur, and of the names of dinosaur species. While I get why you used the real words, it just felt odd to me for someone so alien to use words so firmly rooted in Earth language. While I guess the same is true for many words, for some reason it just felt off to me. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that. Maybe it's just me. And a tiny nitpick: For someone who has grown up in this world, Iraisa seems to be surprised by the speed of the dinosaurs a lot. (I don't think that anyone was making them faster, since if the plan was to mind wipe Iraisa why would they be sending things after her like that?) That's all I have to say really. Hope it wasn't all a repetition of things already mentioned. Now on to the main story!

I appreciate you bumping the thread despite understandably not having any comment to make. If you'd like, I can send you the rest of the chapters (though I completely understand if you already have more than enough reading to do).

Congrats on the milestone. I just recently passed the 70,000 word mark in my own novel (something worthy of updating my facebook status for the first time in weeks). Of course, that number also told me that as I'm about a third of the way done with the book, the final total may well reach 200,000...

I don't have a fixed way I write all the time, because how I write can vary depending on what I'm writing at a given moment. For example, to work on my sci-fi novel (the one I've been submitting here) I need large chunks of time to write new material, because at this point I'm extremely perfectionist with it (though not as much as I was, fortunately). I can't do much with a few minutes here and there. I can revise and edit like that though. Riding the subway is great for that. I just turn on the ipod and go at it. For other projects, such as a fantasy novel I started for NaNoWriMo last year, I can much more easily write a little bit here and there, partly because I've not as perfectionist with it as a first draft, as opposed to the sci-fi story, which is technically in its 4th. When I am spending a sizable chunk of time writing, I generally have music on that fits what I'm currently writing (given what I write it's usually either symphonic metal such as Nightwish, or epic/trailer music such as anything by Two Steps From Hell, Immediate Music, etc.) When I'm writing in small doses or revising, I just generally put on something awesome, regardless of the relevance to the scene/chapter. I have a compulsion to write things in order, to date I have hardly ever written anything more than a short scene out of sequence; the story is meant to be told in order, so I write it so. Normally it works fine, though I'll occasionally find myself stuck somewhere for a little while. I'll also occasionally watch a scene or clip from a movie I like before writing a scene, if it is at all similar to what I plan to write in that sitting.

I'm Yakov, I'm 21, and I'm currently a student at Queens College (though I just transferred from another CUNY school so I haven't actually taken classes at Queens yet), and surprise surprise, I switched to Queens because I live in Queens. I'm currently a History major, but at my previous school I was an Engineering major (lasted only one semester until I realized that I hated all my classes) and I then became an English major. With my transfer, however, I switch to History both because it made transferring easier, and because I'd only be taking the boring (non-creative writing) English classes. And also because history is useful for writing. Once I graduate in another year and a half I'll likely try and do a Creative Writing MFA, if they'll have a sci-fi/fantasy writer. I'm currently working on two projects, one sci-fi epic (what I've been submitting here) and a fantasy story. I'm also currently brainstorming ideas for another several possible books. My favorite authors at the moment include Brandon Sanderson, Robert Jordan, Jim Butcher, Naomi Novik, Patrick Rothfuss, and George R.R. Martin (despite the facts that his books make me so mad sometimes).

The only problem with that is there was a way of hearing what was going on outside, via the other waitress. And based on her sister's reaction, she either didn't approve of Lisu's action or didn't know she was going to flee. Surely if Lisu was worried that they both might be taken she would have at least mentioned her escape plan to her sister. Again, that's just how it felt when I read the chapter, and a little more on Lisu's reasoning for her actions would make this a non-issue.

I enjoyed the chapter. I'll admit that the large number of names so early on had me worried, but as we learn that Lisu has been working at the bar for a long time, it makes sense that she would know peoples' names and refer to them as such. And then she runs away, so we're not forced to remember all of the names(though I would guess that at least a few will show up again). The only thing I had any issue with in the chapter was Lisu's reasons for her actions. We know that she doesn't want to get drafted, but not why. We also know that she wasn't all the surprised by the army coming to draft her, but she seems to choose the worst possible way to avoid the soldiers. Since she knew who they were and clearly suspected they had come for her, why didn't she simply sneak out, avoid assaulting the soldiers and running. That way Lisu's sister (who didn't seem to expect Lisu to bolt) would be less suspect of collaborating to help Lisu flee. At this point we don't know how the government works in this world, but I would generally assume that an empire would have no qualms punishing people connected to criminals, and Lisu did commit a criminal act. Is she not at all worried about her sister potentially taking the fall? (I'm not sure if I phrased everything right, but my issue really boils down to: Why did Lisu go out to the soldiers in the first place?) This issue can be fixed easily if we know exactly why she had to do things as she did it. The chapter wasn't long to begin with, so adding a bit more information about her situation and choice shouldn't mess with the pace. Other than that, the chapter worked well, and I look forward to see where the story goes from here. Also a question. So chapter 1 for Lisu would correspond to what with your other viewpoints? Are you just writing each viewpoint separately and plan to reorganize the chapters later?

Hey all, This week we get another look inside the Alliance, as we get deeper into Dalcon's plotline. Brief Summary: Second Scion Dalcon learns of the disastrous attacks on Felinar and Sneva, as well as of the fall of two more, significant Alliance systems. he participates in an emergency advisory meeting to determine the next steps the Alliance should take to deal with the now clear threat they face. Not much else to say this week aside from, as always, that any and all comments and questions are welcome and sincerely appreciated. (And again, if anyone who joined recently wishes for me to send them the previous chapters I would be more than happy to do so.)

I'll have a chapter ready for next week. Finally managed to get into a constantly writing mindset.

Thanks for the feedback; it's all valuable. I'd just like to reply mainly to explain what I was attempting to do with the bits you had issues with, both so I can pinpoint exactly what was the problem and what I can do to fix things. Well, chapters 1, 2, 4 and 5 didn't have any battles. (Chapter 1 only had Darkclaw killing a couple of things, taking up all of two paragraphs, and the others had no fighting to speak of, unless we count Nayasar and Felivas's playing in chapter 2, which I don't count.) I see your point though, which is why there aren't any battles in chapters 11 and 12. What I've been attempting to do (possibly without complete success), is use the battles (which the plot needs to progress at this point) as a backdrop to further the story of my viewpoint characters. I also see your point on the battles. I was initially considering returning to Nayasar's viewpoint at the end of the chapter to continue the battle, but I worried that it would be too many viewpoint shifts within the chapter (and it felt off to me to include the rest immediately after the first part of the battle. And I actually did have trouble ending Darkclaw's battle scene, and I would agree that it dragged a bit. In fact, one of my alpha readers mentioned the same thing, but not in time to edit before I was going to submit it. Could you maybe detail a bit of what made the 'surprised' emotion flash work better for you than the others? I've been trying to both get it right while showing a progression from the early ones, which had him just realize that he felt something, to them just coming on more subtly as he unconsciously gets more used to them, and him not noticing until he's already experiencing its effects. That is also the reason I'm having Darkclaw be distracted; the rules of his world are inexplicably crumbling slowly and he is trying to make sense of it(while Nayasar, on the other hand, is satisfied and completely devoted to the war she's been waiting for and has nothing distracting her aside from a fascination with Darkclaw). As far as the technology goes, as of now I'm for the most part sticking with general sci-fi conventions (with tech functioning similarly to that of the Star Trek/Star Wars universes) because technology, or at least technical ship details, is not the focus of the story. I want to leave it simple and understandable to readers without drawing focus away from the characters. I understand what you had issues with well enough, but for some I'm just not sure why(particularly regarding the emotion flashes), which is in my opinion more valuable for when I edit. Thanks again.

I think LTU really hit the nail on the head about things feeling unimportant. The scene at the beginning of the chapter was simply a bit too short for us to feel enough from it. I don't think it's an issue of what happened, but how compressed it was. In the second part of the chapter, you spend a lot more time on the scene in the camp, which allows for more details and more insight into Dais and the others there. Overall though, I enjoyed the chapter, and I feel like Dais's story is progressing nicely (and it helps that I basically read most of the chapters in sequence). And of the viewpoints you have so far, Dais is the most intriguing for me personally because at this point know the least about where his plot is going to go. I can't wait for the next chapter, and I'll try to get to commenting on some of the previous chapters eventually.

Hey everyone, it's good to finally be back, now that vacation is happening and I have time to write more of this story. Nothing says starting the new year off right quite like finishing a new (fairly long) chapter. (Apologies for the length) As I mentioned in the email, most of the chapter was written a while back, so its possible that after the point where I stopped things feel a little different. If it does, feel free to point it out. Also, as I mentioned, if anyone who wasn't here back when I started submitting and wants to read some of the earlier chapters, I'd be more than happy to send them to you. Summary for this chapter: Darkclaw splits his forces into two fleets, Nayasar leading a combined Felinaris/Snevan fleet against one target, Darkclaw leading his Troodon forces and half of the Snevan fleet against another. As the battle winds down, Darkclaw decides that he must take action to deal with his emotion flashes, which are becoming increasingly problematic. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!

I too would have something so submit on the 2nd, but I have no problem waiting until the 9th.

I'm getting to this fairly late, and as such most of what I would say has been said already, but I'll try to find some new comments. I read the original prologue first, to get a sense of the difference between it and the revised version. The new prologue definitely flows better, and we get more involved with the viewpoint character which, while good, can be irritating (as has been mentioned already) if Coil is not going to be a viewpoint throughout the book. Also, I felt that despite the issues with the old prologue, it gave more information about the magic system which I missed in the new one. Hope this is at least somewhat useful, it's been a while since I had time to comment on anything, and I've never felt that I was particularly good at it.

Thanks for sharing. I particularly like the editing advice one, wihch I think is even useful as a checklist for while I'm writing, so long as I don't spend too long double checking everything.

That's some good critiquing advice. I've always felt that I wasn't great at critiquing, but those guidelines seem to be apretty solid foundation. Now to get back into the swing of things, reading through the enourmous backlog that comes from having no time to critique (as well as little to write) during school, which is now over. But to make one use for school, printing out as much as I can here, for free!

I can't imagine it being more, or even as crowded as the ToM signing. Of course, that was the only signing of his I've been to (excepting the one he did at JordanCon) so I really have no idea what to expect. It is the last stop before he goes to the UK, so unless he's leaving for the UK immediately afterward, it is possible that he might have some time to talk afterward, depending on how crowded it is of course.

Well Brandon definitely does sign e-readers. I've been planning to go for a while, even though the signing will be a bit out of the way for me. It'll probably be Brandon's last visit to NY until either next year's Comic-Con or the A Memory of Light tour.

^^Stuff like this makes me wish I had time to go to Comic-Con. On a somewhat unrelated note, is anyone in the NY area planning to go to the Alloy of Law Signing on the 16th? (As far as I'm concerned this fits under etc )