Silk
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Posts posted by Silk
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11 hours ago, kais said:
Can I get a spot for next Monday, the 24th?
Sounds good, though I'll confirm the full roster a bit later in the week.
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Hi!
So, this critique may feel more like me thinking out loud than usual. Sorry about that - I am having trouble articulating some of my thoughts, but hopefully there's something in here that is useful.
3 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:My current approach is to try to convey that W is getting closer to N and developing their relationship indirectly by connecting to others, and I'm curious if that lands.
I'm not quite sure this chapter gets me there, at least not yet. It feels like maybe this happened too easily or that the scene is missing a beat. Some of that might be down to needing a bit more specific setup, a bit more on that in my LBLs below. But right now it feels a little like we resolved a try/fail cycle without the actual failure.
I'm also wondering if the "bringing W closer to N" thing is too much of a focal point in this chapter. Which is, admittedly, a weird thing to say for a romance. But whether or not N and W are getting closer, or whether they both want a relationship, is not really in question - it's been made pretty clear that they both do. The things that are keeping them apart, at least from this reader's perspective, are whether N can escape his fey relatives, his feelings about his village/existence/whatever putting W in danger, and W's own feelings about needing to improve parts of herself that didn't serve her well in her last relationship. Since this chapter is about the last of those three, I wonder what would happen if you reframed it to be specifically about W, rather than N becoming some sort of almost-mystical guiding force for her.
LBLs are short this time, but here we go:
“…he saw the worst parts of me while we were together.” Yeah, I do think this needs a little more setup. We actually don’t get a whole lot of specifics on W and A’s relationship, and I think if this is something W wants to work on, we should know what specifically she’s trying to improve.
“I can message G to keep me updated.” It does feel weird that this is the first solution W gravitates to, like she’s not all that concerned about trying to keep her cousin from doing something stupid. I wonder, what if you flipped these two things, so W tries and fails to get ahold of G and then moves on to problems she actually can solve?
P2 “…blowing up at him for small annoyances.” Ooh, yeah, so this is telling me what I want to know, but I’d love to see it explored a little more. Right now we’re getting a summary but not seeing the dynamic in action. This doesn’t have to mean flashbacks – it could be W saying something or stopping herself from saying something and A reacting to it, that sort of thing.
P4 “Babysitting is exhausting.” LOL.
P7/8 I love that W is pushing A to talk to her mom, but why is being so cagey about it? I feel like “my mom is ace, maybe you are too, have a chat about it and see if it resonates” would be way more straightforward…
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9 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:
I'll take a slot for this week!
You're on!
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Any takers for this week?
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P1: Okay, this is almost certainly WRS, sorry, but where did she los her shoes?
“And given how you look like sh—” okay H is growing on me.
It’s telling that H seems completely unsurprised, but I’m curious how else he feels. I think because he seems to accept this from W rather easily – obviously he knows about the supernatural stuff already, but I’m more thinking that he goes along with her proposed solution here without questioning it. And there’s no payoff for W ignoring his earlier warnings to stay away.
P3 “…nothing is scarier than her advisor…” lol.
P4 “…how weak she is right now” – this reminds me, I don’t know what the status of the magic healing potion is right now. I’m guessing it’s running out, since mom isn’t doing so well?
“…not telling the full story…” no kidding. Mom is taking this very well Does she have any idea of any of this supernatural stuff, and if so, does W know that she knows?
“…after being raised by an overbearing mother.” I’m still not tracking exactly what H and N’s family situation, and I’m getting lost trying to follow the conflicts H is relating of characters who have so far been relatively peripheral to the story.
“…at least he doesn’t lack self awareness?” LOL. I was about to make this very comment.
P8 “…this is something I have to do without him.” As a character moment, I like this a lot, and her decision to not get involved in the fey realm where she hasn’t been able to help makes a lot of emotional sense. But I can’t help but wonder what specifically it is that W plans to do – if she even knows it yet. I’m definitely eager for her get to do something proactive.
P15 “And you’ve gotten so big” – this landed oddly for me. It feels something you’d say to a much younger person.
W’s mom really is taking all this vey well. I would have many, many more questions in her shoes.
Overall: Similar thoughts to @Mandamon on this one. I enjoyed the read, it definitely felt like a getting-things-ready to gear up the next act sort of statement. It was also a bit weird to me that W is collecting secondary characters, but maybe not a problem? The one I struggled most with – and I know W didn’t collect her exactly, since she went away after delivering A and G – was B. I just wasn’t quite sure why she was doing what she was doing.
I actually really like the idea that idea needs to work on herself and her friends before getting back to the romance part – though I wonder if it needs to be a set up a little more, i.e. what specifically W needs to work on about herself (whether she knows this or not). Not having N in the chapters certainly changes the dynamic, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, necessarily. I agree with Mandamon that a check in or two with N would probably be useful, since this is a romance, but I do think you can get away with them being separated for a while if we can see the characters working towards each other.
Aside from the fact that W’s parent has been captured, I don’t have a very good sense of what the plot is going forward or what the overall threat is (what threat does the village pose? What about MA? What role does Aeg play in this?) or what Ws role in that is (or what she thinks that is), and by this point in the story I probably should. I wonder if building up that sense of the bigger picture might help with that feeling of being “stalled” that your other reader mentioned – it will probably be easier to feel progress once we have a better sense of where in the overall story this new sequence is going to fit.
I also wonder if the magic medicine subplot needs a little reminder or two of where it’s at in the chapters leading up to this one. The last I remember seeing of it, N had just picked her a bunch of flowers so it almost felt like a solved problem.
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P3 “She knew she was in trouble” Maybe WRS, but why?
P4 “…there were still bits she wanted to keep private.” Such as? I don’t have a good enough sense of R to know what she wants to keep from her mother or why. Spelling it out might help.
I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around the relationship between R and her mother. In the last chapter she felt like an abusive parent, in this chapter I didn’t get that impression – either from the way her mother acted or the way R reacted to her.
P7 So did the bits that we jumped over include a meeting between R and K and/or R agreeing to get them into the Library? I feel like we skipped that part.
P8 “took F’s neck in his hand” this reads, um, somewhat more violently than I suspect was intended…
“How long has she gone without protection…” Uh, this seems like a jerk move from Z here. But I do like where it leads with F revealing something he didn’t mean to.
So the curator also knows R’s being guarded? This is starting to seem like a pretty open secret.
P10 “If they find out he’s just a student… I’m going to be in trouble.” My first thought was, so why do it? The “you owe me” line would work to explain this, except that it seems that R seems to have already agreed to have done this before Z heals F.
“I have a docent working with him…” If she’s already suspicious of K, and just his being there could get her in trouble, why isn’t she keeping more of an eye on him instead of leaving him to random library staff?
P12 “Why am I missing a day of studying” – wait, but I thought Z was done his last lessons.
At first I thought the Regent was a random noble off the street and was confused as to way the library guards were taking orders from him, but I think that that may be WRS. Also, the fact that this stuff is happening as part of a political struggle seems fairly transparent, so it may be worth either dialing back or hanging a lantern on that piece.
P15 “It’s lost forever” do they not label their books? This sort of thing could happen by accident too, so I can’t imagine they don’t have some sort of system in place to mitigate this risk.
P16 “K is also a student at the HH” … wasn’t this supposed to be a secret?
Overall: Not much to add that isn’t already in my LBLs. I think some more emotional cues between R and her mother would really help in terms of understanding the relationship between them. I’m thinking of the burgeoning relationship between Z and K as I write this, where their mutual* attraction was pretty clear without being stated explicitly.
* obligatory asterisk to note the possibility that K is manipulating Z to get what he wants, possibly only to fall actually in love with him later, though I’m sure those things would never happen…
Speaking of Z and K, you’ll see from my LBLs that I spent a lot of time wondering why R—and Z, really, since it’s clearer now that the topic makes him personally uncomfortable as opposed to just being a rule—are going along with K’s wishes here, and why it seems they’re not trying all that hard to keep what he’s doing a secret. Playing up the need for secrecy here might be a fun way to ramp up the tension.
All that said, I’m liking the library politics subplot and the creeping pests. I know you’re heading back to book one now, so I’ll look forward to seeing this whenever you’re ready!
On 4/6/2023 at 11:39 AM, Ace of Hearts said:What’s R good at? What are her most important skills? Right now, it’s hard for me to identify what her strengths as a person are, and since R needs more of a push to be proactive I think she still needs to find her niche where she can contribute in a unique way.
I agree with this. It'd be great to see her applying some of her research skills t o the stuff she's doing - whether that's her search for her own heritage, her clients, or even helping K (which, not to get overly prescriptive but I could see that adding all sorts of fun wrinkles).
On 4/9/2023 at 11:50 AM, Ace of Hearts said:House V to be a tangible threat and for our protags to react to them.
I think this is a good call too. Right now it's clear someone is trying to discredit the library, but I have no idea who or why, which means I also have no idea how it ties into any of other plots except it happens to be where R's physically located right now.
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P2 “We have to run.” I’m not sure why, but I was surprised that N’s mom seems to be on his side here, I guess I figured she would be more on the side of the fey.
“Then a vine shoots out from the staff and grabs onto my mother…”Again, surprised she didn’t go for A first.
Edit: Ah, explained a couple paragraphs down.
P3 “Full moon.” I. uh. I was not expecting this. I guess this is maybe what the weird interaction with the wolves was about in the very first scene, but a bit more foreshadowing leading up to this moment would help.
P4 The two paragraphs of reflection on C and W are nicely juxtaposed, but taken together it makes it feel like N’s standing around thinking during a fight scene. Maybe something a little more specific to break up the scene and draw his attention from C back to W?
P6 “I hear her running off without me…” Wasn’t N right in front of her? Why is she not in his line of sight?
“Both A and F stand in between us…” Again, it feels kind of like people are standing around waiting for our attention to be drawn back to them. Are A and F not trying to capture N and W? Where did C go? And, maybe WRS, but is F the given name for N’s mom or grandmother or they unaccounted for too?
P7 “Well, the werewolf thing was a shock” LOL
P8 “by their tall statue” should be “stature,” spellcheck won’t catch this one
P10 “We can’t be friends.” Good reversal here, but again, a little more foreshadowing may be helpful.
P11 “Instead of worrying about me and your parent…” Yeah, I’m surprised w’s going along with N’s “I have to do this alone” thing considering their parent’s caught up in this.
P12 “…save my community.” There are a few people who are obviously threatening people N cares about, but I don’t really understand what the threat to the community is. Since MA and the Aeg have been looming threateningly in the background this whole time, I assume they have something to do with it, but that threat isn’t really concrete yet.
Overall: I enjoyed this chapter overall – lots of good reversals and reveals. There were a couple things, flagged in my LBLs, where I was totally off-guard and suspect a little foreshadowing would go along way, but I think in terms of what’s actually happening and when, things are coming together nicely.
Aside from my previous comments about wanting a bit better understanding of who’s who and what’s going on in a bigger-picture sense, my biggest struggle with this chapter was blocking. I couldn’t always track of who was where, and it felt like folks often vanished from the scene and stopped doing things when the camera wasn’t pointed directly at them.
I'd also echo everything @Mandamon said. This feels like a very "end of an act" scene to me. I'm not quite sure where the story goes from here, but looking forward to finding out.
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5 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
I'll have a slot, please!
Please go ahead.
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Happy Easter to those who celebrate! Any takers for this week? (I'll be catching up on subs this week!)
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1 hour ago, Cathy Lim said:
I'll take a spot if there is one available. Sorry- almost forgot!
Please do!
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1 hour ago, Ace of Hearts said:
I'll take a slot for tomorrow, please!
You're on. Any other takers?
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P2 “…placed under house arrest by the parents” – “the parents” is way more modern in tone than these chapters have generally been. Unless you meant “their parents”?
P3 “You can’t lift my face to punch it.” I laughed. But, Z does seem to have crossed a line from concerned disagreement to just kind of being a jerk here.
“Your mother needs to know.” Aren’t they siblings?
“What is this smell?” The paragraph break confused me for a moment, but this is funny. Good way to break up the tension of the moment.
I am having trouble keeping track of who’s who in the diner scene, but I think that’s a product of not having read the first book.
R snapping at her mother is a nice moment. Gives us a good sense of how she is feeling right now. Again, probably partially a product of not having read the first book, but I would like to know if this is normal for their relationship or a product of the stress R is under right now. Since is the first time we’ve encountered these characters in this book, might not hurt to provide a little reminder for returning readers anyway.
P5 I’m still confused/weirded out by the mouse thing. I really do think that if it’s going to be this big a deal, we need to know why.
Edit: This will make the escalation with the roaches—which I like!—more effective too. Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you could try downplaying stuff like this at first and have it become a bigger and bigger issue as time goes on.
P6 even given that there are extenuating circumstances, R’s mom comes across as a pretty extreme helicopter parent, maybe even—given R’s line about defying her—kind of abusive.
P7: Yeah, this opinion has been pretty firmly solidified by the end of the scene. During the walk up to the diner, I was expecting a worried-but-mostly-reasonable parent and thinking that R was just trying to tough her situation out because that’s what young adults do, so consider amping up the dread during her approach so we feel more prepared for what w actually get. Alternately, having us not feel prepared is definitely an option if you're deliberate about it, too!
P8 “Now I find out she has been manipulating everything!” We certainly found out she was watching R very closely, but I didn’t get this sense, necessarily.
P9 Wait, what was the source f the argument between Z and his father? Neither of them is in control of whether or not that particular topic is forbidden.
“There must be sources in the Library.” If it were me, I’d probably be hesitant to offer this based on so little information when Z has made it pretty clear he’s not actually going to offer more information. Other than that, though, this seems like a good way to get K into the library.
P10 Wait, are Ry and Re talking about something that we already know about? This felt like something new, but without an introduction.
Edit: Thinking on it a bit more, I am fairly sure this is WRS, but it has been several chapters since we’ve seen these two working on this, so maybe a quick reminder to ease the transition?
P10/11: Y is showing R around the library, but I thought R was already familiar with the library?
P13 “She had dreamt of this book several times…” Maybe WRS, but I only remember the one dream sequence. I was also initially confused that R reacted the way she did, I think because we as readers hadn’t been given a chance to “see” and recognize the book.
The dialogue after the discovery of the book starts to feel a little repetitive. R tells Y she has a recurring dream twice, and then Y is still surprised when R also tells Re a bit later that she had a dream.
P18 “I never think of the Library as heated.” R seems to find this discomfiting, but I don’t understand why.
Overall: I struggled a little more with this chapter than some of the previous ones, but I think that is partially because this chapter references the first book a lot more, so take everything I’ve said with a grain of salt. That said, I think that, for things that are going to be a big part of the plot, you still need to build them up so they’re a part of this book and not just the last one we read. R finding her adopting records felt a little bit out of nowhere because it’s not something she’s been trying for in this book. You can definitely get away with less setup than if it were an entirely new plot thread, but I think it’s something we still need to see her trying towards – even if she’s just staying up late one night here and shirking her Library duties a little bit there—for it to feel earned. And, this might just be another expression of the same thing, but consider filling out the try/fail cycle for getting the book a little more, as right now this big success feels a little bit like an accident.
I think that’s it. And, you never need to apologize that your draft isn’t better than it is. That’s this group’s whole raison d’etre
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P1 I stumbled on “even for her,” since the last person referenced was H. It becomes apparent a sentence or so later that this was referring to N’s mom, but it was still a stumbling point.
“That girl you’re going out with…” More confusion here, as N’s mom just said she didn’t know he was going out.
In the first couple pages, I’m feeling the emotion between these two characters much mor strongly than I have in previous scenes. Nice work.
P9 “jamming out in the centre too much in the centre” weird repetition here
P10 this texting conversation feels a little long.
P11 should we know who D is?
“Since when did G trust A?” Does N actually know G? I actually thought for a moment we were in W’s POV on reading this line.
Two questions: Are they having this conversation right in front of D? And if A is worried about it, might it make more sense for A to initiate the text conversation rather than waiting until N happens to text him?
“She said I should let A know…” Especially if D is a young kid, this probably makes sense, but my first thought was to wonder why someone hadn’t just called the police…
P12 “That oversight of mine is going to get someone hurt unless…” This is another place where I feel I don’t have the information needed to understand why MA being able to pass through the boundary is dangerous, and why not realizing this somehow makes N at fault for the situation, so this line at the end of the chapter doesn’t hold a lot of impact.
Also… N knows what B is? For some reason I was not expecting this?
“I wasn’t planning on using her number…” This seems unreasonable, since he still lives with her. Or, if not unreasonable, a weird line in the sand to draw.
D seems to be taking this very well, since there’s a bunch of older kids standing around talking about how someone he knows (sibling?) is in danger.
P13 “She’s a changeling, isn’t she?” Now confused as to whether N knew what she was or not. Also, this lends some weight to the conspiracy theory I posted about this character in response to your chapter from a few weeks ago…
P14 “We have to go now.” I like the way this is escalating, but again, don’t really have the context to understand why N’s mom going to the fey realm would be bad.
P15 “We are here to talk, right?” I don’t think they actually established their objective explicitly! Although the characters making different assumptions about what’s happening could work.
P16 “…accidentally shooting my uncle…” Hm. This is sitting oddly with me for a couple of reasons. For one, the timing feels a little off since they are presumably trying to save G right now, but also it just feels like there is a lot of information skipped over in this summary. I wonder if needs to have its own moment before/after, when it can happen in dialogue and be fleshed out more fully?
P17 “Don’t say that like you’re going to die.” Another good air-clearing conversation between A and W here, but I really wish the characters (and we as readers) had a better idea of what they were heading into, even if they turn out to be wrong. I have no sense of what the actual threats are here other than that G is missing.
I’m really interested that W’s amma is here, but I don’t know how to interpret it. Is this a betrayal? Did W inadvertently endanger her amma and drag them into this? This feels like it should be a big narrative punch, but I don’t have the information to appreciate it.
P19 Who is Brig? I think this is the first time this character has been mentioned.
“My amma stiffens when they see him.” A’s been here the whole time, and amma’s already seen W and N. So why are they only seeing A now?
Overall: I thought the conversations in the early part of the chapter were well-done, it’s probably the most emotionally connected I’ve felt to the characters and their situations so far. You’ll notice a big gap in the page numbers between my first few comments, because I really didn’t have much to add! (Although in my experience, if people aren’t dancing a specific style and a slow song comes on, they mostly just sway, but anyway…)
The second half of the chapter was more challenging--although having it come right after the "break" of the dance was well-done--and I probably sound like a broken record (sorry) but it really comes down to feeling like I don’t quite have enough information to really understand it. There’s at least one completely new character here, a couple of the characters we have only met briefly and/or we don’t understand their role in the situation.
Assuming I’ve interpreted the scene so far correctly, I really like what you’ve set up here where we don’t have an actual villain present so much as a bunch of people with maybe bad assumptions and conflicting information about what’s going on that might put them at odds. But again, that’s just what I think is happening, and if I’m correct I need a better understanding of who wants what for it to really work. I also think a bit more foreshadowing of a couple things – G running off on her own and especially A stepping up to offer what seems like potentially a very large sacrifice—is in order. Even a line or two might do it.
5 hours ago, Mandamon said:I think the pace here is great for this point in the book.
I'd agree with this. This feels like it's happening in the right moment, just need a little more of the informational puzzle to be in place by the time we get to this point I think.
On 3/27/2023 at 9:11 AM, Ace of Hearts said:My main question for this one is whether the escalation here happens too quickly, and what information here W should learn earlier (since I've gotten comments about her being kept in the dark).I want to qualify this by saying that I don't think the answers all need to be complete (or correct! the characters might have wrong impressions about some of this stuff) and I don't think every bullet needs to be satisfied. Plus, I think part of the issue is not necessarily that W doesn't know things on its own, but that she has ready access to several people who could give her more information (A, G, N, her amma) and just chooses not to pursue it.
Things I wish I knew a little more about while reading this scene:
- What the actual danger is going in - or at least what the characters think that danger is. It seems that A and W aren't really expecting imminent violence until N gets the sword, but N obviously is.
- Some hint of amma's role in this - this might be down to foreshadowing rather than W actually expecting them to be here
- It feels--to this reader anyway--like N is deliberately eliding some of the details around W's uncle, F's relationship to him, and why the uncle got shot. If that's the correct interpretation might be at least worth hanging a lantern on.
- A more concrete threat from MA. He's exploiting the village and/or hates it, but I don't fully understand the relationship between MA or the Aeg and the village.
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Just echoing @Mandamon! If you read through the link Mandamon gave you and decide that's something you're interested in, we'll welcome you aboard. If you just want somewhere to share your work in a less structured way, Creator's Corner might be more your speed.
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24 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:
A bit late but I'd like a spot for tomorrow as well!
Please do!
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19 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:
I'll be ready for Monday if there's space for me. Thanks!
You're the first to ask, so I think you're good. Any other takers?
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As I read:
I thought Z’s lessons were done? Is he doing an apprenticeship now?
“menial tasks/menial people” – very revealing about the way these people think about people who don’t have money.
P2 LOL at “new cologne.”
“Where were you last night anyway?” Didn’t they just meet like a day or so ago for the first time? This seems overly familiar. Unless they’re also roommates or something and I missed it?
P3 “Maybe you could introduce me to your sister” this guy is not subtle, is he. If I were Z, I’d be raising my eyebrows about now – again, it just seems kind of overly familiar for what I understand their relationship to be right now, even if there is some mutual attraction.
I remain confused about whether Z is supposed to be done his lessons or not.
Hmm. The discussion of mental healing didn’t really leap out at me as insensitive, but since you’re looking for it, the one piece that caught my attention a little was “only fixable by the patient themselves”, which does maybe get a little closer to the “can’t you just be happier?” kinds of discussions that sometimes happen around mental health.
I’ve also been chewing on the “sometimes there isn’t a physical cause, sometimes it’s emotional or magical trauma” because trauma can of course cause physical changes, so that didn’t 100% ring true and it seems like you’re going for a nuanced take. That’s a lot of detail, though, so while it might be interesting to explore, I don’t know that it’s something you’d want to get into here. If nothing else, the more time you spend on it, the more readers are likely to expect that this specific thing is going to come up!
So.. are Z and K roommates and I missed it? Because otherwise I would be extremely weirded out by the way this guy keeps turning up. Honestly, when the locations where he keeps turning up include the bathtub I’d probably be weirded out no matter what.
Overall: I didn’t think the chapter was pointless – it actually seemed to me to be one of the more focused chapters with that focus being on the relationship that is developing between Z and K. I do wonder if you maybe need to give K some more natural openings to try and accomplish his goals, because right now he is not coming across as especially subtle. That being said… I’m currently reading this as a slow-burn romance with an unforeseen betrayal at the end, so if K is supposed to be bad at being subtle then you might be fine just hanging a lantern on it somehow.
My biggest stumbling block was confusion about where Z is at with various points of his life. He had last lessons with the ancestors and got some fancy new tattoos to show for it last chapter, but here he is doing more lessons. And, I could be totally misremembering but I thought he’d met K for the first time last chapter, whereas now they seem very familiar with each other.
6 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:Another note is that it seems like the chapter wants to be about the ethics of healing magic and about Z’s dynamics with K, but the two don’t connect as easily as the story wants them to.
I didn't stumble on this as I was reading, but I think this is a fair comment. One solution might just be to show how K's comments affect Z's perception of, or relationship, with him? Since that's what the chapter seems to be primarily about.
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7 hours ago, Cathy Lim said:
Sorry everyone. I was in a hurry and I somehow posted this twice. I can't figure out how to delete one. Let me know if there's a way!
You should be able to delete your own posts. My ability to delete posts is in a dropdown under "moderation actions" in the bottom right corner, but not sure if that looks different for other folks. Anyway, I deleted one for you
Should get to the crit itself in the next couple of days!
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As I read: At first I thought the chapter was from R’s POV, but a few paragraphs down describing Z’s fire magic, I wasn’t sure if the chapter is from his POV instead?
What is everyone else doing while this fight is happening? I’m thinking mostly of R and the rest of the karaoke group, but also wondering if the commotion attracts any onlookers.
I was also not sure why the protagonists were running from the city guard. I would have assumed the guard would be on their side since they were the ones who were attacked in the street.
I think this may be a “haven’t read book 1” problem, so grain of salt, but the fact that people keep attacking our protagonist seems to come a little bit out of nowhere. I’m also having trouble tracking who D and J are.
P7 “your dress is ready” this felt like a very abrupt transition.
“T made a strangled noise.” Not sure what is upsetting T here.
P10 “…which R took to mean he would do it again if he wanted to.” Lol
I thought the dress making R feel like she was more ready to face the world and her new job was a nice detail.
P13 “Mice should never happen…” Starting to get that the seals are supposed to stop this, but I still don’t understand why the mouse thing is a big deal. I think it’s supposed to be hinting that bigger things are wrong (which I like!), but I don’t have enough world-building context to understand the other reasons why this might be ominous, so right now it just seems like people are weirdly overreacting to a mouse.
P16: Who/what is house V? Why is this not good? Maybe a brief reminder (for those who have read the first book) since I think this is the first time they’ve come up.
Overall: I’m intrigued by the politics that are hinted at in this chapter, but I’m thinking that some of it might be a bit too subtle. It’s not until the very end of the chapter that we get a hint that the mouse thing may have been engineered by someone trying to use it as some sort of political excuse to go after the library, and by then we’ve had two chapters of people bizarrely overreacting to a mouse in the library. Not to get overly prescriptive, but I think you don’t need to be afraid of hanging a lantern fairly explicitly on the mouse thing when it first happens: “if the Library’s pest seals were failing, what other horrible thing could be failing right now?” And/or make it one person’s bizarre overreaction, so that when that happens, readers understand from the get-go that it’s weird. This might help better prepare us for the mouse thing to be leading into something else.
On 3/2/2023 at 11:20 AM, Yuliya said:Third, I can't help thinking that the mouse may not be the pest to start with. Perhaps, if they found termites eating through books in several places, I would relate a little more.
This is an option too. Or if the mouse did more damage as suggested here, like if it was building a nest in a rare illuminated manuscript or something. That would go a way towards smoothing over the "why is everyone freaking out about this" for me.
I'd also agree that the library sections are the most engaging!1 -
As I read:
Maybe this is deliberate, since it’s obviously a weird request to begin with, but “I have been pleased at your progress with…” strikes me as a really odd phrase.
This also reminds me that up to this point, there has been no consequence for W going breaking her promise to her amma about staying away from N. It may be a little early for W to get caught directly in a lie, but here should be some fallout. Some of that could be as simple as her feeling guilty, but I think the consequences should escalate over the course of the plot. Maybe W has to skip family time with her amma and/or her mother, maybe she has to be evasive or lie to her amma to try and keep her secret, maybe her mother asks her about where she’s spending all her time these days. Something that makes her (and us) confront the fact that she is breaking her promise here.
P2 LOL at the centuries-old vampire comment (in a good way)
I still find it frustrating that G seems to know so much more than W, but G isn’t offering and W isn’t asking for more information even when it seems like W really needs to know.
P3: Okay, so some of what I was talking about above does play out a bit in the scene with W and her mother. I do think we need more of this kind of thing. But also, the thing where she promised amma that she’d stay away from doesn’t seem to factor into W’s dialogue here…
Edit: Ah, here it is on the next page. Maybe call this out in W’s thoughts before the conversation gets there? Otherwise it feels like a weird omission. Also, this is all basically what I was asking for in my first couple points, so this is all good stuff. And I think this particular scene is probably coming at a good time, but needs some escalation to build up to it.
Good air-clearing conversation between W and N here. I have mixed feelings though about N just declaring he’s going to try and stay away from C now. It feels a little too easy following what has presumably been years of abuse and manipulation.
That said… probably some WRS here and it’s just that N has already said this elsewhere, but “I’ll do what I can to make you happy” is definitely not the same as “I would also like to date you.”
P11 “and not think about his moves” stumbled on this before realizing it was referring to his actions in the game.
“I didn’t know you liked playing these games…” Are they having this conversation in front of W’s parents?
P12 “But before they let me go…” oh good. Maybe a bit more dread or expectation from W in the scene leading up to this?
P14 “This lets me fulfil A’s request…” something about the way this is phrased feels very… mechanical.
Overall: So obviously, I started off saying that I thought the narrative needed to do some stuff in my LBLs, and then you proceeded to do pretty much all of that … so I think that everything’s heading in the right direction! What I think is missing is some buildup to this point, particularly around the fact that W has been breaking her promise to her amma all this time.
My feelings are a little bit mixed around the – honestly fairly radical – honesty that W and N share. On the one hand, it’s great – it’s something that we don’t see much of. It’s definitely refreshing, and it also feels very appropriate for both of these characters. But it sometimes feels like a lot, and I’m not entirely sure whether that’s just because more space is needed between some of these very frank conversations, or maybe they are just letting out a little too much tension at once and that needs to be adjusted. Sorry, I know that’s awfully vague. Maybe something to look at in a later draft after some of the other stuff has been smoothed out?
6 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:Hi everyone,I'm back with another sub, and the main thing I'm wondering this time is if the pacing/plot feels too slow. Thanks!I think if anything is too slow it's our/W's access to information about what is actually happening. W spends a lot of time not understanding what's going on, despite having access to about four different characters who all know a lot more than she does. I think maybe it is time for W to start learning more about what is actually going on around her so she can start formulating a plan more specific than "do what MA wants, maybe help mom" and the threat from MA should probably increase in turn.
I think I touched on this already, but the placement of W finally having the conversation with her amma about N and some of the stuff happening there feels well-placed in terms of where it falls within the narrative... but I think there is actually more room for some buildup in that emotional arc. The romance between her and N feels fairly well-paced.
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As I read:
So… is this guy skeevily flirting with our protagonist? That’s what I’m making of this first couple paragraphs, but I’m getting that more from Rs’s reaction than anything he’s actually doing. At least until about a third of the way down the page or sow, when it becomes more apparent.
He asks about her paleography, but this seems more like she’s just reading some not-exceptional handwriting. Unless that’s the point and part of the weird flirty thing this guy is doing?
P3 The encounter with the skeevy guy is good tension, but then R just wanders off and it feels like she—and the reader—are left at loose ends. It might help if she has a goal in mind other than just escaping the skeevy guy so it feels like we’re moving with momentum rather than just stumbling onto the orphanage records.
P4 “He tried to bribe me too.” So we know this is illegal, but I think it would be helpful to understand the scope of that illegality. It’s obviously more illegal than, say, jaywalking, but is this run-of-the-mill corruption or something more serious? Neither of these characters has remarked on it aside from R’s initial reaction, so I’m leaning more towards the run-of-the-mill side of the spectrum and present.
P5 One person freaking out over a mouse, I would get. But it seems like a lot of people are having a disproportionate reaction this mouse thing.
It also feels like, narratively, we’re spending quite a long time on what I presume would be a fairly minor and normal incident.
P7 “There is no way for them to get in.” Ah, this helps a little. Maybe move this up.
“There was something very wrong here…” Okay I get that the mouse was not supposed to be able to get in, but this still seems like an outsize reaction. What’s the actual threat here?
P8 Maybe WRS, but isn’t Th the tailor? Do we know why everyone is going to meet him? It definitely hasn’t been mentioned in this chapter or the last sub, which I only just read.
P9 “You are working off your debt to society…” Interesting. Is… is that a thing he just tells whoever? I don’t know if this is the same horrible breach of etiquette in this society that it would be in the modern world.
Oh no. Is this fantasy karaoke? (Edit, p11: Yup.)
This is another scene that seems to go long for what it is. I’m not sure how it’s moving us forward – it seems like the point is really to get to the end of the scene when there’s an attack.
Overall: I enjoyed the chapters, which had a lot of tidbits that were interesting or added to the tension of the story. My biggest struggle was that many of the scenes felt like they were too long – even though they had a reason for being there in the first place. I think either some of the scenes need to be trimmed, and/or they need to be refocused a little so readers have a better idea why we are focusing on these things and for so long.
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Looks like we have two so far with @Cathy Lim and @Ace of Hearts submitting. Any other takers?
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“His last magic lessons.” Was confused here. At first I wasn’t sure what the connection was between the beads and feeling sick. When the explanation comes on the next page I see I had the right idea, so maybe this isn’t an issue, but might be worth finding away to move the explanatory stuff up just a bit.
P2 I like the idea of actual ancestors showing up to give lessons! Do they just show up whenever, regardless of whether it’s a good time? Because that seems like it could be entertainingly inconvenient. Or dangerous. Just saying
“Cooked all his insides…” So is the ghost going to explain how you know whether you’re one of the people who can extinguish a bush or a house fire? Because otherwise this lesson seems… minimally useful.
P3 I’m enjoying the process of this final lesson/graduation ceremony being kind of miserable and onerous, and you’re doing a good job of conveying that, but beyond the fact that the process itself is miserable I’m curious about how Z actually feels about hitting this milestone, which really hasn’t been addressed!
“You’re not sick.” I thought this was a meditation room? Why would he need to be sick to use it?
P4 “You must never learn it.” WELP this character is totally going to do that thing now.
P5 “Are you prepared to face these consequences” seems like an odd question in this context, since presumably they don’t want him to do the thing for which there would be consequences (breaking the covenant)
Getting the impression that we may be heading for a romance arc with Z and K.
Overall: I like the magic system and the lessons. Maybe WRS, but I’m not a hundred per cent how this chapter moves things forward, because I really don’t know what’s next for Z after this. What’s his goal in getting the training, and how that he’s done with it does he feel closer or farther away?
I also wasn’t quite sure how to take the thing with K about getting into the library. It’s an obvious tie-in to the plot of our other POV characters, but why is this happening now, with this character? Just based on narrative structure, I’m assuming this character has an ulterior motive, but that’s not really apparent from the actual interaction. If it’s supposed to be obvious (assuming I’m correct, of course) consider hanging a lantern on it. Alternately, maybe Z meeting K and K asking about access to the library don’t have to happen in the same chapter.
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P1 “Maybe things will be different for me than they were for G.” Does the protagonist have any reason to actually believe this? At the start of the scene, she’s nervous – and I’m not sure whether you’re planning on changing the previous setup, but as-is it seems like she has reason to be. Maybe more of a “hard sell” from the government guy – or some changes to the previous chapters to make this upward mobility seem like more of a possibility.
That said, I really like the core of the tension here – pitting the character against her own best interests.
P2 I had forgotten that G was a sister. I’m surprised the narrator doesn’t think this is a bigger deal. In her shoes, I’d be afraid and probably pretty angry.
I’m actually kind of surprised that she just accepts – or maybe it’s more accurate to say I’m surprised that she doesn’t seem to consider doing otherwise.
P4 “… I’ll need to be picked up early.” Why? Can’t she just say the teleportation didn’t work and call it a day?
I like that this is being set up so that the character does something totally different than we expect, but I feel like I don’t totally understand her thought process here. The way the book’s set up so far says this government is Bad News, so it seems weird to me that she doesn’t even consider escaping.
P6 “B as in one of V’s fifty guards…” It felt a bit weird to me that this person would assume this right away. I’d expect more of a “B who?” kind of reaction.
P7 So… the driver is a stranger and she gets in a car without waiting for him to identify himself?
P 7/8 I really like the description of the car as this exotic and scary thing, but I had no idea that was the case until she got in there. Maybe hang more of a lantern on this when the car first appears so her reaction makes sense for us when she does get inside.
“Wow, grumpy.” On the one hand this is kinda funny, but the narrator is awfully blasé about what would be a huge change in her life even if she didn’t (maybe?) have reason to suspect this government of murdering her sister.
So far, it seems like K was right about not being in as much danger as her parents thought. They don’t seem to be treating her like a prisoner or a threat, or to think she’s very important in general.
I’m honestly a bit confused by the endcap to the chapter. Why are these government officials playing card games with knives?
Overall: I like the way you’ve revised the conversation between the main character and her parents – the main character going with the people who are presumably the bad guys is a fun twist on our expectations and there is the opportunity for a lot of tension there. That said, it seems like she goes along with this decision really easily, so there’s never actually any tension because the outcome doesn’t ever seem to be in question. Partly I think this is because we don’t have a good sense of her emotions for much of the chapter, except for the little bits she actually says outright during dialogue. Partially it’s just because it seems like her going with the government is a done deal – the narrative never contemplates that she might do otherwise.
Also, I think you will need to make some changes to the previous chapters to support the new direction of the chapter. Everything before the discussion with the B points to the government being Very Bad News, the kind that you don’t just walk off with willingly.
The second chapter had a harder time with because it doesn’t really move us forward. I touched on this in my last couple LBLs, but I think that feeling of lack of progress comes from the fact that we don’t really know what the protagonist’s status is. Is she actually a prisoner? Is she in danger? Is the job she thinks is forthcoming going to be offered, is that position actually all it’s cracked up to be? This is another place where getting more of the protagonist’s own emotions could really help, but I also wonder if she might need some other characters or events to bounce off of. She spends most of the chapter effectively by herself, and when she walks in on the card game at the end of the chapter we don’t get any other context clues.
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So we have @kais up for a submission this week. Any other takers?