Silk
-
Posts
1624 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
2
Content Type
Profiles
News
Forums
Blogs
Gallery
Events
Posts posted by Silk
-
-
21 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
Since it's on my mind I'll swoop in early and say that I'll take a slot for Monday, please!
Sounds good.
Any other takers?
0 -
“…knew it was the wrong choice.” Tactically, or emotionally?
“He was supposed to make a break for it…” Even though he hadn’t managed to kill her?
P2 A’s manner of speech here seems to have changed. Though from the line just below, maybe this is deliberate?
P3 So… P’s rebellion is about the treatment of the soldiers?
P4 “Who will beat you down even further…” But the soldiers don’t usually remember their previous lives, do they? Or would the ministry do this regardless?
“Deep down, I don’t think I ever was.” Interesting. I wonder if there is a chance to plant a bit more of a seed on this sooner. Ditto “I’m not saying we’ll never revolt” – seems like a big shift in her thinking that hasn’t so far been signaled.
P7-8 after P has stormed off. This conversation goes on for quite a while without A participating, or even seeming to be an active observer.
P12 “…to tell her mom that she was going for a late stroll…” I still really need to understand how this base is laid out, physically Does A’s mom live on the base or…?
P14 “She bet all soldiers had that same thought at least once.” Did A?
Overall: I enjoyed this chapter in the main. I think the focus on P was helpful because it helped ground the chapter in one of A’s goals – to get P to stay – and helped keep the upcoming deserter conflict top of mind. I do wonder if a little more sense of escalation on that front would be helpful. Can there be a more overt ticking clock? More monsters coming out of the ocean as they try to prepare? Etc?
I thought the emotion between A and P worked pretty well, there certainly is a touching moment at the end of the chapter. One thing I’m not quite clear on is what kind of relationship it’s supposed to be. Is it a romance? A maternal/mentoring relationship? A saviour narrative? (A makes a reference in the early chapters about wanting to save P, but this chapter made me realize that we still don’t know what constitutes success or how A would achieve that.) Is the relationship between her and P different than it was in their previous lives, and how does A feel about that?
Keep up the good work!
1 -
I just caught onto the naming convention – the soldiers are all crystals or metals.
P3 “A couldn’t give the full answer right now.” Maybe WRS, but I’m curious to know here why not?
P4 “‘Simple physics,’ A lied.” Ah, good. Seeing these little moments of tension is really helpful in terms of reminding me about the mystery of A still having her memories, etc.
P5 “C monster… heading straight for shore.” This made me realize I have no idea what the area they’re defending looks like. Are they defending the whole island? How big is the space they’re defending? Are there areas they defend and other areas they just let the monsters have? Etc.
P6 “You should be able to take it alone…” I wonder how deadly these monsters really are, since the soldiers apparently barely knew how to work their stuff until A showed up a few days ago.
P7 “Sometimes the best defense…” This is a pretty significant moment since it involves La actively disobeying A, which the soldiers have all been reluctant to do. Maybe a reaction from A?
P8 “And only one is strange.” Interesting. Could we have a reaction when it first approaches instead of several lines later?
“I’m going to fade away any day now.” This is also interesting. I’d assumed they generally die to violence.
Also wondering about what happens when this does happen. Does it mean A is down to four soldiers or is the soldier immediately replaced?
P10 “I’m going to show it to A.” L is kinda being a jerk. N is being extremely nice about having his boundaries trod on.
P11 This is the first time I realized that the C is blocking the sun. Can we get that kind of detail sooner? Ideally much sooner?
P12 “You have the time.” This feels almost like a dig. Not a problem, as long as that’s what you’re going for.
P14 “A remembered her mother mentioning this ‘math’ to her…” I’m struggling with the way this culture seems to have lost track of very fundamental concepts despite being so technologically advanced. The fact that all of the soldiers can spout this kind of stuff off and have it be a complete surprise to A makes it an even weirder experience.
P17 “I don’t see why not.” Isn’t “I want to do a thing so authorities can’t spy on me” kind of a big deal?
Solid end to the scene with a feeling of creeping tension. Is there a way to build this sense up more in the earlier scenes and chapters?
P18 “You’re trying to get me killed.” Didn’t P specifically tell the other one not to kill her?
Overall: Aside from the end, my thoughts on this submission are very similar to last time around: The “getting to know you” scenes work, but still feel mostly like they’re lacking stakes and connection to the overall narrative. The pursuit of the monster in L’s scene helped, but still doesn’t feel that connected to any of A’s larger goals or concerns.
The “canned” feeling of the soldiers’ areas of interests was even more noticeable here since they all feel so similar… but in a way, it feels deliberate, since it all comes back to the princess putting thoughts in people’s heads. I wonder, assuming she has a specific aim in mind (I’m totally assuming she has specific goals in mind), is there a way to hang a bigger lantern on it and maybe hint at what those goals might be?
I didn’t feel quite prepared for what happened at the end of the chapter. I think part of that is just confusion around P’s stated aims, but he also takes some pretty drastic action, and A has been so competent so far that her losing an encounter to the people she’s been training is a bit hard to swallow. I think if it’s going to end this way we need more preparation and tension throughout. So it becomes surprising yet inevitable, instead of just surprising
Certainly interested to see where things go from here!
1 -
7 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
I'll have a slot for tomorrow, please!
Go ahead!
0 -
P1 “I have been observing…” “Joy.” LOL.
P2 “Are you a bureaucrat too?” Wait, I guess I’m not that clear on the distinction between ministers and bureaucrats. Also slightly confuses as to why B is still here. I figured she’d been shipped off to her next assignment.
I assume the bureaucracy is being portrayed as dysfunctional on purpose, but it also definitely seems kind of toothless if B is allowed to just go sticking her nose into everyone’s business like this…
P3 “And who was A to refuse such helpful advice?” Heh, I like this. I wonder, though: how much does A buy into the whole “existential danger from being warlike” idea? How much should the reader, for that matter? All of the violence we’ve seen so far seems justified, so I’m really not sure what I should think.
P4 “Do you know the names of the soldiers?” Doesn’t A have personnel files or the like?
Is A supposed to know all this stuff L is telling her about the console and how it works? For that matter, is L herself supposed to know it? Could this knowledge get them in trouble?
P9 “It wasn’t an accusation” seems like a great way to any conversation feel more like an accusation…
p12 “…There really wasn’t an excuse for not… being able to tell them apart” I honestly have a hard time imagining this being an issue since there are only five of them, and thy all seem to have quite distinct roles (and maybe exoskeletons?)
“That did sound familiar. A smaller planet-like mass…” So is the sky not visible then? Or do they just not know what the various celestial bodies are? Can we get something to establish this?
“Gravity pulls them close, right?” That’s a pretty good guess for someone who apparently isn’t familiar with moons or the thought of the earth being round. Or is A well-studied in gravity more generally? The boundaries of who knows (and who doesn’t know) what seem a little inconsistent here in general – though thinking about it a little that may be because L is giving them the information.
P18: Can we get a little more emotion coming from P during his conversations with A? The last paragraph of this second-last scene is very helpful, but given the reveal in the last scene, having a little more preparation may be helpful.
P19 “…and make sure she’s alone tomorrow evening.” This makes me think that despite Z’s indication to the contrary, that he’s planning on killing A. Enough so that I’m surprised P didn’t wonder the same. Same with “out of commission” – are they talking non-lethal damage?
My immediate conclusion was that P was working with the deserters, but that’s mostly a guess at this point. Is there a reason we shouldn’t know a little more about what P is up to, or why?
Overall: I enjoyed all the individual scenes in the main – though I do wonder if they could be trimmed a bit – but felt that I didn’t have a very good sense of big-picture stakes. The “deserter attack” thread for example felt like it was pretty much lost in this chapter, except for very specific moments when it was referenced – but I think a sense of progression, now that we’re this far in, would also be helpful. A has been convinced for a few chapters now that she’s being set up to fail, but we haven’t found out any more about that – by whom? Why? - and it doesn’t really seem like she’s trying to.
Other than that, I'd echo what the others have said. I nodded along with @Mandamon's comment that the soldiers "interest" tokens felt a little too canned at points, maybe because they're both so similar in a way. And like the others, I think we could do with a little more explanation of the world at large and how it works - geography, culture, etc. It's partially just that the learning curve is high, but also, we clearly have characters with access to lots of information we're not getting!
Still looking forward to the next bit.
0 -
As I go:
Hmm, how reliable is this forecasting tool? A seems to rely on it a lot. And I’m still wondering who monitors it when she doesn’t.
P3 “…it was common knowledge that ministers couldn’t fight…” I wonder if this line need to be moved up a bit to the first point where L points out she can summon her weapons. Also, and this may well be deliberate, but seriously has no one tried this before? How is the government keeping any sort of lid on this?
Edit: Hm, this may be explained by A having her memories when apparently no one else does.
P4 “Someone out there set me up to fail.” This is really interesting, but I think the first notion of this that we’ve gotten?
Also, I’m confused about whose attention A thinks she is/is not attracting by having this conversation.
“A had no idea what was going to happen if people found out…” There might be an opportunity for A to take some initiative here in figuring out if there are others like her.
P5 I like the detail of her painting her nails to relax before battle. But also, I wondered about “real” battle; she’s been in real battles before, yes?
“L was also here for emotional support.” Tense seems to have switched into present for the last couple sentences, but also, this seems like a dangerous place for her to be.
P7 “It will be a faster fight overall if…” The anticipation/anxiety going into the fight as good, but these few pages of the fight itself actually feel fairly routine. I wonder if maybe seeing some more close calls would help. A mentions some rookie mistakes, but most of what we’re actually seeing is the soldiers following orders.
P10 “I could chase it into the… ocean.” What is the actual objective? I thought it was to repel the attack, but apparently it’s more about actually killing the monsters. Which seems a bit odd, since apparently these monsters can just spawn at any time.
“I didn’t want to force you to enter…” Is A surprised that he suggested this? Pleased? Etc? Was she just hoping that this soldier would not only b willing to take the risk but would make the tactically correct choice despite not knowing tactics?
P12 “growing fruits is a waste of water.” Are food/water scarce resources in this setting?
“…and then one day without warning” I was briefly confused here. When I read “how good of a soldier was I,” I thought P was referring to the battle that just happened rather than his previous life.
“He used her name.” As a snappy last line, this works. Yet I wasn’t totally sure what I was supposed to be feeling here. Is this a reflection of new trust in her? Or is this him recognizing her from a previous life? A little more setup to clarify the intent here and I think this will work well.
Overall: So far so good! The biggest thing for me was that the emotions felt a little muted throughout a lot of this – the fight scene in particular, but also leading up to it – especially when A was thinking about being set up to fail/not supported by the ministry etc. For the fight scene in particular, I think clarifying the actual tactical aims and showing some of the near misses could help. For the bits of the chapter leading up to that, a lot of A's anxiety fight was clear, but there was less emotion when thinking about the bigger picture things (being set up to fail, etc). The end of the chapter worked fairly well for me.
And, I would echo Mandamon and Demiurgess that more information about how some of those pieces of the world work would be helpful.
1 -
11 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
Little late but I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!
Please do!
0 -
P1: A’s speech to the soldiers seems… short. I guess I was expecting more about the impending invasion or her plans for the soldiers or something, not just “I’ll try not to be a jerk to you, move along”?
P2 “the borderline treason of L’s ideas aside” – wait, really? Can we get a reaction shot as L is talking if so? I wasn’t quite sure what the aim of this conversation was, except maybe at the end when we get this “borderline treason” line.
“He didn’t even know about different soldier roles” Are these assigned? Are people born into them? Is it equipment based? How do they determine who gets what role?
My attention is wandering as I read through the different roles and such for the soldiers – it feels like a long time without any real movement. Can we connect all of this worldbuilding to a tangible goal? A’s desire to save P, or to repel this anticipated attack despite the odds, or something like that?
P4: I’m very curious about why this princess is just hanging around this base that is apparently going to be sacrificed for the greater good, let alone why she’s serving food to soldiers.
P7 “When A arrived at her mom’s cottage…” Oh, hm, I think this is new information. I would have assumed she was staying at the base. And… did both the previous chapters happen all in one day? I thought some time had passed for some reason.
“…not even having your memories…” Wait, confused. I thought A had all her soldier memories and that was unusual?
P8 “…that the rebels are going to attack soon.” I think this is the first time in this chapter this is mentioned. This is the first time I’ve felt any sense of urgency re this impending attack.
“…so that you can’t ascend through the bureaucracy.” They don’t want A in particular to get promoted? Why?
P9 “she needed to fix her own mistakes.” Such as?
Overall: I’ve already mentioned my biggest issue – which is that I didn’t really feel a sense of urgency in this chapter. I think the fact that a lot of the bits and pieces – the soldier roles, the conversations with L and with A’s mother – seem disconnected from each other. I don’t really have any sense yet of how these different pieces fit into a larger narrative.
The dynamic between A and her mom is interesting, but I’m getting the sense that A’s mom is hiding a lot from her and for some reason A has… decided to just accept that. I think I’m also just having trouble slotting this relationship into place when there is still so much answered about how the mechanics of the world and reincarnation etc. actually work. I think sliding in a few more hints here and throughout the narrative would be really helpful in starting to figure out what’s what. Big learning curves are fine for a certain type of reader, but right now I’m not certain I’m being set up to successfully follow the curve, not quite.
1 -
P1:I was thrown at the start of the chapter because I ws expecting more interaction between A and P, but P seems to have totally disappeared.
“…but why was M trying to hide that?” A’s reincarnation situation isn’t as unusual as she thinks is the first thing that comes to mind.
P2: I did not realize that either the kid or P were still here. Can we have an establishing shot so we know who’s where?
Well, my ears pricked (so to speak) the introduction of princess L. Still… nobody seems that concerned that she’s running around (by herself?) on a beach infested with monsters.
“Yet another voice.” From where? Can we establish more clearly what the surroundings look like?
P3 Wait, so people use she/her pronouns but the word “woman” is unheard of?
P5 “…to see M scribbling furiously on her clipboard.” This reporting thing seems to be omnipresent – not itself a bad thing, I’m enjoying it as a running gag – but I am wondering how significant it actually is. Certainly B doesn’t seem overly concerned by the potential consequences, whatever they are. Neither does A, who just agreed to L’s request despite literally just getting into her position. I guess I’m feeling it works well as atmosphere, but not necessarily tension – it doesn’t actually feel threatening.
P7 “…showed a school of finish… conveyed the time and place of the attack.” Bit of a bump here, if she’s just observing potential threats that doesn’t translate into an actual attack, unless I missed a detail somewhere.
So does the console need to be actively monitored in order to alert people of attacks? If so, shouldn’t someone be on it at all times?
P8 “I can’t stomach watching the actual fights.” Interesting character moment here.
P9 A’s line at the end of the attack scene (which I won’t quote because Shard will yell at me – I tried to quote a censored swear word in a critique once and it auto-reported me!!) struck me as a little odd because it seems the soldiers won.
P10 “…but she wasn’t getting through to P” maybe it’s just because her goal is a little nebulous but this feels like a very mild attempt on A's part.
“It didn’t justify the system…” Unclear antecedent. What didn’t justify this?
P12 “and none of them taught you basic tactics?” I’m curious how much of this is a result of the rebirth thing. In the earlier pages A seems to lead us to believe that most people are born without their memories of being soldiers.
P13 “Is my lady… questioning the will of the bureaucracy?” Again I’m curious about how strong the taboos here are. We know this is frowned upon, but I don’t have a sense of what the consequences might be. B seems to get away with a lot, and M only ever threatens to report people without clear consequences so it feels omni-present, but a little toothless. Which, to be clear, I think is fine as long as that’s the choice you’re going for! That said, I do wonder if maybe an increased feeling of threat here would make the revelation at the end of the chapter about the upcoming attack feel a little more threatening as well. Right now I’m not feeling a huge sense of urgency.
Overall: Still coming along nicely. At this point my biggest question is about the relationship between A and P in A’s past life. In the first chapter I had gotten the impression that it was a romance (whether requited or not) but that’s not the vibe I’m getting in this chapter – it feels more like a general conviction from A that this is the right thing to do.
1 -
“…the waves crashing on warm sands…” I was briefly confused as the first sentence stated they were in a room. Maybe a quick addition to this sentence to show G is looking out (I presume) a window or patio door?
“a pang of his own guilt” as opposed to who else’s guilt?
P2 “Which isn’t your fault” I’m really curious to know how L is reacting to the things G is saying, aside from just her dialogue. I’m getting the impression from G that this confession is a really big deal, but not at all getting that from L’s reactions so far. Is she concerned or trepidatious abut what G is building up to? If not, does that make it easier or harder for G to keep going? Etc.
“…the way he crushed revolutions and left entire planets in poverty” – curious as well about G’s conflicting feelings here. G married someone who was apparently a terrible person for a political alliance, but also loved him?
P3 “…she could tell where this was going.” Details! I mean, yes, another hint about where this is going would be helpful at this point, I think – I’m still in the same “this is going to be bad but I have no idea what it is” place I was at on page one – but mostly, I’m wondering: how is L reacting to this? Is she taking it better than G expected? Worse?
“SW kept spilling out…” Now we’re getting into specifics, but I don’t actually know what SW and the SD are or what they do, so I don’t understand the implications here. “
“…her body was frozen stiff.” This is the kind of context clue I’m looking for! More please.
P4 “It didn’t matter that he was desperate to find any solution to the killing done…” Okay, I am having trouble squaring L’s very matter-of-fact reaction (and G’s presentation of in the first couple pages, for that matter) with her sudden anger at the apparent calamity G has created with the SW.
“Kill me. You know I deserve it.” IT’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but this feels like it … escalated really quickly? I think it’s maybe the lack of emotional cues and context up to this point.
P5 I like the sentiment of the first sentence as a hook but stumbled a bit on the phrasing.
P6 “…but for A to remember her previous life was strange.” I like the setup, but if I’m interpreting this right and they’re usually reborn as entire new people and A is a (the only?) break from this pattern, this seems almost understated?
“A minister shouldn’t have any interest in going to the beach…” Meaning that they shouldn’t want to go or that they shouldn’t care if they do? But I’m also getting lost here in tracking who is how old when they’re reborn as what. The thing I’m most curious about is what the calamity actually is.
P7 “It is … troubling that someone volunteers to lead a defense base.” Why? This seems very strange to me. Unless it has to do with the earlier line about the horrors of fighting, in which case, maybe hang a lantern on it?
Edit: never mind, I see you do this a paragraph or so down.
P8 “That was your first good retort… I’ll make note of that.” Um, why does M need to make note of A’s zippy one liners? Even in the context of what appears to be overbearing surveillance. There’s something about the setup here that I’m still not understanding.
M seems to have disappeared from the beach during the struggle with the crystal spider.
Overall: A good start to a new work! I think the prologue works pretty well. The biggest thing I wanted there was a better sense of more emotional cues and escalation, which could be as simple as putting just a little more focus on how people are reacting to what’s being said, what their bodies are doing, etc.
The first chapter has a few interesting things that could serve as hooks but I feel a bit like I’m drowning in all the information that is presented without quite having enough to know what any of it means. I think that knowing a bit more about the ocean and how it works would be really helpful to appreciate the interesting things that seem to be happening re: rebirth etc etc. The first and second halves of the chapter also gave me different senses of what the book would be about – in the first half of Ch1, I assumed that it would be about A trying to fit in and hide/figure out why her rebirth was different while the base was being defended. The second half suggests that she came here deliberately to save a specific person. Both are interesting hooks and I think both can happen at once, but I wonder if there is a way to make these two ideas feel a little more integrated.
Incidentally I am assuming that one or both of the people from the prologue will be/have been reborn out of this mess, though I’m not willing to place bets yet on whether that will be an explicit plot point…
1 -
Okay, I know you actually submitted this a while ago, but it's never not worth saying. Congratulations on hitting the end!
"...it's fast enough that he doesn't comment." Why would H need to comment on them picking flowers?
"...won't be able to do much even if we find him?" Then why look? Maybe W insisted? Also, I'm not clear on whether A is the right type of supernatural to cross the barrier.
"...is the village going to be okay?" This makes me wonder, is N still expected to take over its leadership now?
Seeing W's mom is neat, but especially with hair growing back etc, this feels very obviously supernatural and it almost seems like W and N are leaving the door open to questions about that on purpose. Maybe they are?
This could very well be WRS (it didn't help that I took a long break in between critting chapters) but I have zero memory of R. Or, wait, is this a nickname for A?
Hmm... I think this is actually the first I've heard of N going off to college. I don't think it needs to be a huge deal throughout the book given the other conflicts that are going on, but I think having it mentioned a few times would be helpful before the endcap.
Speaking of A... was him getting adopted on the radar? This felt completely out of the blue to me. But maybe I missed or forgot something from the early chapters?
Overall: Nicely done! I don't have much to add that I haven't already harped on ad nauseum (sorry) in my comments up to this point. I think the main thing for me that doesn't feel quite resolved is W's relationship with her amma. In the early chapters, W has a suspicion that her amma knows more than they let on about what's happening. She then goes against their wishes re: seeing N, discovers the supernatural and that her amma has been mixed up in it, and miraculously heals her mom from cancer and... she and amma never have a moment to themselves after all this happens to talk about it.
On 6/22/2023 at 3:04 PM, Mandamon said:There were only a couple places below where I thought you could shore up during the book a little to give those spots extra relevance (cousin D, and N going off to college).
I'd agree with this, I completely forgot about cousin D. He could probably be removed fairly easily, or his importance could be punched up just a little. I don't think either is a wrong answer here - there is plenty of conflict already going on, so as is you wouldn't be losing much by cutting him, but giving him just a liiiittle more oomph could also potentially make G's death more impactful since she isn't hugely present in the story either.
On 6/24/2023 at 8:43 PM, Cathy Lim said:As I mentioned last week, I would enjoy a nice moment with W and N alone resolving how she hadn't told him everything
I also think this would be helpful, some kind of resolution for W that mirrors the one N got.
1 -
“…dragged me a longer distance than she was standing” stumbled on this, I understand the intent now but it took me a couple reads to parse this sentence.
“Even though I’m bound” nice moment here
“MA was right about needing to use force…” Maybe WRS and I’m misremembering some of the details, but the ritual was originally presented as needing a strong emotional connection to work, so I don’t understand why they think using force is a viable option here.
“With a cold iron dagger…” Does it matter that the dagger is cold iron? C is fully human, isn’t she?
Edit: Ah, so the daggers are to ward off the vines?
Edit again: seeing the daggers destroy the staff is also neat!
“You two have taken everything from me…” like what? Especially in H’s case.
P5 “could yourself lucky” count?
Where are all these cold iron daggers coming from? I guess it makes sense for C in particular to have one, though.
“I love you too…” Nice as an end to the chapter, but seems almost over-emphasized as this hasn’t really been in question up to this point – as the last chapter seemed to confirm.
Wait, if MA killed N’s grandmother, who were they planning on having lead the ritual before H stepped in?
Oh, does wolf A lose control of his actions? I was wondering why he ran off and didn’t return.
The ritual itself seems pretty passive. In a way this makes sense since C thought she could force N to do It, but I wonder if there is a way to make W and N feel like more active participants. I also wonder if it’s possible to see the effects of the ritual starting to take place, whether that’s a sensation W feels or the air around them starting to sparkle or what have you. Create a little more sense of wonder for the thing we’ve been building up to for the whole book.
Lastly… I wonder if there should be a little bit of doubt during the ritual, maybe not a complete try/fail cycle but something that makes the outcome seem a little less definite. It’s a fairly lengthy section where we already know what’s going to happen – especially since W seems to already have all the answers she needs for the questions. That, or maybe just shorten the ritual section and punch up its success?
On 6/15/2023 at 3:33 PM, Mandamon said:pg 14: "The bond N and I formed was strong enough for the ritual to work."
--This is interesting, and maybe slightly off? N is confident of himself after his revelation, but W still needs the ritual to work to assure her.Yeah, I wondered about this too. Whether W loves N has never really seemed to be in question from W's POV. Maybe reframing it as more of a "will it work if I didn't treat him right/even though I was using him" would help? That is more the conflict at play, at least for this reader, and might provide the opportunity for a resolution for W that Mandamon was talking about.
1 -
P1 “[W]’s supposed to hate me now.” Feel like I missed something here. I know N feels betrayed by W but don’t get why W is supposed to feel the same.
“Can I trust she wants what’s best…” Specifics! “Can I trust” is a pretty general question and feels a bit baseless when we, as readers, have been getting W’s POV throughout the book and know what she’s about. Even though I know, as a reader, why N is asking this question, I think leaning into his specific feelings about W right now will make this hit harder.
P2 I keep stumbling over this “let’s install N as ruler” piece – maybe because I knew so little of how leadership worked in the village to begin with. Is it hereditary and this was always supposed to be this way, or is there some other maneuvering happening? Also, I don’t have a good sense of whether or not I should believe MA when he says that this isn’t something he wants to do, except for that, you know, general "man bad" sense.
“corporate smile” – love it
“…since he was planning to backstab you” Does MA know this? Does he care?
P3 “…who lowers his gun” Why? This feels almost like he’s responding to direction from N, but that doesn’t seem to make sense.
“Put her aside for now” – Oh, wow, this caught me way by surprise.
“Memories come flooding back.” In general, I think you’re really well set-up for an arc like this, but in this specific moment it feels abrupt. You’ve laid the groundwork really clearly and here we get a resolution, but feels like maybe we’re missing a step between the two where N does some of this learning.
And they’re all standing around talking about needing to stop J. It’s making MA feel a little less threatening, but also keep I wondering why W hasn’t brought up that she knows J is dead.
P8 “…that hesitating is a weakness.” You’re the one standing around monologuing, my man.
(Yes, this is snark, I don’t actually think this line is a problem!)
P9 “…because he’s hiding something in it.” Especially given how quickly we’ve seen W put together other things (and other characters have commented on it!) this seems, well, pretty screamingly obvious. Also, if I have a hard time swallowing that MA didn’t notice he was hiding something in his hand; in his position, I would have absolutely assumed N was carrying a weapon.
P10 “I don’t expect you to take me back” – This feels like it’s coming from the wrong person, since it was N who was convinced that W didn’t care about him until just a few pages ago. Unless… this is an “I’m sorry for thinking badly of you, I was wrong not to trust you” sort of moment? In which case, that would work, but I think it needs to be called out explicitly. Right now it feels like either this line of dialogue is misplaced or we have skipped a step.
As we end the chapter it occurs to me that I have no idea what the ritual is actually supposed to look like. I know it confers a magical result and requires a close relationship, but I don’t know how it’s actually performed. Incantations, dancing, music, sex? I think knowing it’s supposed to look like will help with the anticipation of seeing our heroes foil/succeed at it.
Also I realized that W still hasn’t spilled the beans about J’s death. If this is supposed to be a part of the climax, maybe hang a lantern on it? Otherwise it seems like a weird omission.
Overall: I know I had a lot to say this time, but I do think that the pacing and structure is mostly working. There are a few things that I think need to be given a little more space: N’s realization that he’s in a toxic relationship, for one, and his reconciliation with W, for another – obviously these things are related, but I do think they are separate arcs that can each be given some space to come to their resolution. This is probably going to be partially seeding some of this throughout earlier chapters and partially just giving a little more time to them here in the chapter.
Another thing that may need to be seeded earlier is this “setting up N as ruler” idea. Maybe WRS, but I don’t remember this being hinted at or mentioned by other characters previously, and the fact that I have no real idea what governance looks like in N’s village is contributing to that, I think. Even a couple of throwaway lines clarifying that governance in N’s village is hereditary and he’s going to come into it one day (or whatever) and then hanging a lantern on his surprise when grandma is killed and it’s all up to him now could help with this.
My biggest stumbling block, though, was just that MA does not feel very effective as a villain here. I still don't know much about him and his goals, but also… I think it’s fine for him to be able to gloat and monologue and explain his evil plans, but he does a lot of that here – a little bit before he tries to shoot W, and a whole lot after. Can he have something to actively pursue in this scene other than just “killing a POV character” and be making progress toward it? Can N and W more actively stop him and almost fail? Or even just cut some (not all!) of the villain stuff altogether? That would also create more space for the character moments here, which deserve a little more shine.
1 -
Sorry I have been so late getting to these! I’ve been frantically revising my own current WIP. Which is now no longer a WIP! Hooray!
As I read:
This may just be a me thing, but after I skimmed through the last chapter to refresh myself, I was briefly very confused to have Agent J referenced as just having left. It was a bit of a bumpy transition to the new POV.
“The comfort she showed me was…” I’m a bit surprised that there doesn’t seem to be any doubt from N at all about his relationship with W.
“The bad thoughts away…” missing word in C’s dialogue at the bottom of p1
P2 “I see her grinning up at me” I’m curious as to whether she’s really as unconflicted as she’s presenting here. Hard to do with the setup you’ve got, maybe, but N is fairly attentive to other people’s emotions.
“Do whatever will please you” Oh god this is so uncomfortable
(note: not a bad thing! It’s clearly supposed to be!)
P3 “Ambition. I thought it was what…” Maybe WRS, but not sure “access to life-saving medication” is ambition, exactly.
P4 “Why should I care that…” Again, very curious to get some hints of how C actually feels about this, or how N interprets her apparent lack of emotions. It’s uncomfortable (again, in a good way) and I think there is an opportunity to lean into that here.
Can we get more of reaction shot from N on discovering his grandmother’s body (and seeing MA for the first time)? I feel like this deserves to be punched up a bit. Probably more than a bit. I think the scene can definitely hit harder in the moment, but probably a bit more clarity and foreshadowing around MA and his role will help this hit home too.
P5 “Kill AA… if they both behave…” why do they both need to behave if they’re killing one of them?
P7 “you can really run with a word like ‘everything’” – this feels a little too easy. I wonder if you can hang a bit more of a lantern on this loophole before the shot is actually fired? Also, is A really just standing around waiting to be shot?
P10 “…keep you trapped inside this village forever.” “… you are going to be our leader.” So… more or less trapped in the village…?
P11 “I appreciate how much effort…” I’d really love more information about how this is all landing for N. There are snippets, but not much. Is this totally out of the blue for him? Has he ever considered it before? Is the idea at all appealing or completely off the mark? Etc.
“I don’t think W’s mom will make it that long.” Not sure about the urgency here, especially with the magic medications from MA.
Overall: Again, really not much to add that wasn’t in my LBLs. I think greater clarity and some more foreshadowing around MA and his role would be helpful in making some of this stuff hit home. Other than that, I think there are opportunities to punch up the reactions to various happenings – there’s a lot going on! – but the overall structure here works for me.
I'd also echo Mandamon's comments and suggestions - I don't have a good picture of where the village is, what the layout looks like or whether there are other people around. I think a quick sentence or two in passing will be plenty.
1 -
1 hour ago, Ace of Hearts said:
I'll have a slot for tomorrow please!
Please do!
0 -
1 hour ago, Ace of Hearts said:
Hi @Silk hope I'm not bothering you, but I'd like to confirm that I'm good to go for this week. Thanks!
Not at all! sorry for the late reply, I completely lost track of what day of the week it was. You're good to go
0 -
14 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
Sorry for the late reply, but I'll take a slot for this upcoming week please!
Sounds good!
0 -
On 7/31/2023 at 0:45 PM, strange24 said:
But hey! Atleast I can make my own fan art
Well I for one am jealous
Welcome - we'll look forward to seeing you around the forum and, whenever you're ready (no rush, as you know) your submissions.
0 -
Any takers for next week?
FYI, I'm heading briefly out of town so may be a little slower to check and confirm than normal this week. Govern thyselves accordingly
0 -
10 hours ago, Demiurgess said:
Thank you for the critique, Silk! It was really useful!
Of course! Always glad to hear it's helpful
0 -
Congrats on your first submission! Right to it then:
The sensory detail in the introductory paragraph is great, very grounding.
By the end of the second paragraph though, my attention is starting to wander a bit. I’m looking for hints of the inciting incident and am not sure whether the boars are it or just part of the atmosphere?
As I get to the bottom of the first page, I’m also wondering about the setting. There are details that indicate this is a modern setting, with reference to B&B etc., but the language suggests a much older setting.
P2: as I keep reading I find that the hints of emotion and tension from the POV character are the areas that are most engaging.
“There was now another inscription on the cup…” like it just appeared out of nowhere?
Is “T” the last name? Otherwise I don’t quite understand the second inscription or why it’s such a coincidence.
P3 “was it a complimentary tea for buying the ticket?” confused again, I thought this was someone’s drink that was left behind?
I’m not sure what actually happened to J’s leg. Maybe clarify the blocking or hang a lantern on the fact that J doesn’t know either? It almost read at one point like the wild boars, but this doesn’t really read like an animal attack.
P9 Ah! There was an earlier point where I wondered if the main character was turning to something else, but I thought I’d actually misread. Maybe a few more hints of this earlier so that the reader can guess what’s going on even if J doesn’t know?
P10 “The warthog must have damaged the implant…” so now he remembers everything including his prior transformation?
“Surely the train could not be completely empty” – yeah, I was definitely wondering why he didn’t run into anyone else.
Overall: This was an interesting piece! It’s an interesting concept and there were definitely moments where I was engaged and interested in what was going on. I think my biggest stumbling block was mostly confusion! I think finding opportunities to clarify what’s going on will just take a line or two of edits at different places throughout the story.
Aside from the fact that I think you could have gotten to the inciting incident and beyond a little quicker, the biggest thing I wanted from the story was to know more about J. I think that knowing a little more about him could make the ending hit harder – what does he want/what is he getting from civilization that his transformation (and death presumably) is keeping him from? Is or was he part of the rebellion that was hinted at? Etc.
Nice work!
0 -
On 7/14/2023 at 6:57 AM, Demiurgess said:
I wondered if it is okay to submit a short story. If so, I'd like a slot for the next week
You're on!
Any other takers for next week?
0 -
In addition to my LBLs below, going to heartily echo pretty much everything Mandamon said.
Comments!
“And the betrayed expression wasn’t the worst part… He never did believe…” Oof, this hurts. Nice character realization here.
“A new series of images in my mind…” This on the other hand felt a bit abrupt. I really like where W arrived but wonder if we need to spent a little more time getting there, both in the scene and possibly in general (foreshadowing/buildup).
I’m enjoying the interplay between B and W here. That said, I’m not sure I’m fully swallowing the idea of her having torn loyalties this way – she hasn’t been super fleshed out so far, so its hard to understand why she’s wavering in loyalty now (even if she always was). It might help to remind us somewhere in the scene that she has an attachment to A, or is opposing J because she’s fey herself, or something, to help contextualize why she’s doing this?
P5 “It’s unnerving how human his smile looks.” This makes me realize I have no idea whether J is actually human or not.
Edit from the next page: Well I guess he is human. I do enjoy the juxtaposition of human/monster here.
P6 “It’s the Aeg who’s responsible for all this.” Is that true, though? Still don’t quite understand MA’s relationship to all this.
Hmm… I like that W recovers some of her agency in this chapter. However, the one thing she tries fails, and it seems like she’s basically given up again when A shows up with the solution to her problem. Can we have her working on something else that feels active, rather than passive, when A shows up? Or re-frame B’s actions a bit so it’s clear they’re the result of W convincing her to do something differently? Or something?
Overall: not much to add that isn’t in my LBLs. Seems like things are coming to a head nicely. At this point I think a lot of the work to support these chapters will really be in the revisions for chapters leading up to this, to give you a little more foreshadowing and buildup.
1 -
Ch 24:
I’m feeling antsy in these first two scenes with A and H. It seems to me that the real conflict in this chapter is them trying to convince B to let them into the fey realm – can we get there quicker? Maybe by combining the two scenes?
P2 “You’re saying they’re not going to listen to…” Kind of wanted this argument to come from A or H rather than B. Right now it feels like they’re asking her a favour that she talks herself into, rather than them actively convincing her.
“If what you really care about is making sure as many kids…” wait, what kids? Village kids?
P3 From the way A is reacting to H’s conversation with B, I’m getting the sense that A’s grandfather is… kind of abusive.
P5 “They’re supposed to be working with A…”
“The reason my time with W seemed too good to be true…”
I’m really glad to see this scene come up, because I remember wondering a while ago if this was going to become an issue. But, I struggled in the early parts of the scene with feeling like N was – maybe not over-reacting, exactly, but taking too much of what B (the other
was saying at face value. Partially I think the whole “fey can’t lie” thing was just not top of mind until you reminded us in the text, so it might be worth moving that up. But also, it takes B several lines to give N any real information here, so he’s not reacting to anything concrete.
Also, a thought to take or leave at you like, but presumably B could say something if she thought it was true regardless of whether she was correct. And of course fey are notorious for being able to twist, omit, etc. parts of the truth to suit their purposes, which N would presumably know very well. Those kinds of uncertainties could be fun to lean into in a scene like this. And maybe give you more build into “She was trying to destroy my community from the start” which, again, felt like a very large leap on N’s part from the information he has. Maybe we could see B manipulate the conversation a little more?
As I keep reading, it also strikes me as strange that W doesn’t try to defend herself more fully – like not mentioning that there was a reason she was avoiding N to begin with. It seems especially strange in the context of the – really fairly radical – candor she and N have been sharing with each other up to this point. I wonder if there is room to have that be part of the discussion here?
P8 – wait, I see N actually calls this out specifically. Is that something he actually knew prior to this conversation?
P9 – can we get a reaction shot from W as the other characters discuss leaving her behind? She feels very passive through this whole thing. Also, I’m not entirely sure where N is coming down in terms of forgiving her or not.
Last on this scene – I think a little more foreshadowing in advance of this scene could also make it have a bigger impact.
“…the ritual can be performed… in a couple hours” I thought the ritual required a strong emotional connection with the other person? I’m not convinced he has that with C. Just falling out with another person her cared about doesn’t feel like quite enough to get us here.
“B killed C’s mother.” Does C know this? Is N not going to tell her?
On 5/16/2023 at 11:45 AM, Mandamon said:2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice.
Seconding this!
1
Email List and Submission Dates
in Reading Excuses
Posted
Sorry for the late response! Please go ahead.
I blame my big band. We had a gig on Saturday and those leave me mostly dead for at least a couple days after