Silk

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Silk last won the day on September 20 2012

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  1. Hmm, I'm not sure, but I'll take a look and see what I can find. :/ @aeromancer I'll respond to your actual sub sometime this week!
  2. There seems to be a lot of "probably Monday!" going around this week! @aeromancer, welcome back, it's been fairly quite so I'd say you're good to submit. @Robinski too, of course.
  3. Hah! Fantastic. Awww! I would have thought it would have zeroed in on the CGs, though, unless those were also still hanging around.
  4. Fair enough, I guess it's just a question of whether or not the cultural zeitgeist has changed enough by then! Anyone else feel a sudden, overwhelming urge to start writing stories about petticoat duels? No? Just me? I mean, if this is existing protocol and nobody's done it at this point, maybe E should start to wonder why not. Might help to lay the groundwork for the later scene too.
  5. That's actually pretty much how I finished NaNo the year I did it, yeah. Something like 24k, and it was pretty much literally a midnight-to-midnight thing. The only thing that made it even possible was by that point, I had a really solid outline. The fact that I was about ten years younger at the time also helped.
  6. M eating the muffin: I have no idea what she is actually trying to say. “Well thank you, Professor Starched-briefs.” Hah. 0 “Could they trust Mystery Caller?” A fair enough question, but since they haven’t heard from Mystery caller it hardly seems to matter. Might make more sense to have Q wonder if this person is going to get in touch again, and if they’re going to provide anything useful when they do. Wait, and now Mystery Caller reappears just as Q is thinking about him, in a “speak of the Devil” sort of way? I think this is only the second time we’ve heard from MC—unless I missed a call?—but Q reacts (looking at the android’s features) like this is something that happens all the time. It also seems odd that MC immediately begins to berate them. “She had seen the lie too.” Maybe WRS, but I have no idea what the lie is, although I get the impression that I should. P9 “M reached out an hammered” should be “and” P10 – Okay, putting my “cop’s kid” hat on for a second: It’s possible that they just missed, but police don’t fire warning shots (certainly not in a crowded area!) An officer doesn’t pull the trigger unless they mean to deal lethal force – it’s how they’re trained. Q would work with police enough in his profession that I assume he would know this – although British police don’t use guns, so maybe he doesn’t, I guess? Same page, “snapped E briskly” – this is absolutely a nitpick, bud I’d go with either “snapped” or “briskly” here. No need for both and it feels clunky. “beeline” is usually written as one word, not two. Top of p11 “Q’s clown clothes layers padded somewhat him” – might want to take a look at the order your here of words. Heat of the moment and all, but throwing himself under the truck, unless maybe he was trying to take cover from continuing gunfire, seems like a really bad idea in a foot chase. I thought K had only put out a general APB? If so why the (I’m assuming) helicopter? Q sees harnesses being thrown down from the helicopter, and then thinks about the mystery caller and I don’t quite get the connection. Unless it’s not a police helicopter? I’m only making that conclusion because Q seems to be thinking of it as an escape route. “The spectators saw guns and began to fire…” Okay but there have been multiple shots fired already. I’m loving the “khaki brigade” description. Also the Tweedle twins. In fact, pretty much all of these nicknames are great. That being said, there are rather a lot of them… Overall, I enjoyed the chapter – the pacing was good and the blocking was clear. I am also very glad that it seems to have ended with Q&M moving towards something, rather than being another obstacle that keeps them from their ultimate goal (although I was concerned for a while that things were going to grind to a halt again in the aftermath, being arrested tends to do that. Ahem, or so I've been told anyway.) My major concern is that the groundwork doesn’t seem to have been laid for the appearance of the helicopter. I assumed that it was a police helicopter and only changed that assumption because Q decided it was a rescue and, in what seemed to me like quite the leap of logic, assumed it was connected to Mystery Caller, who really has not been that much of a presence in the story as of yet. If this is indeed the caller’s doing, then I think we need a little more from MC before it happens. MC's made two phone calls, one of which made vague promises of help but didn't share any actual information, and one of which promised no help at all but did pass on message that Q&M both thought was false. I'm not sure that quite gets us to "sends a helicopter into a firefight with law enforcement" territory. I have a theory about who MC might be. It's half-baked and probably dead-wrong, but it's nice to feel that I now have enough information to start forming theories! (Or, from some of the other comments upthread, maybe I'm less dead wrong than I thought...) Speaking of that firefight, I alluded to this in my comments above, but there is a whole lot of reckless gunfire going on. Aside from the “no warning shots” bit, it seems terribly reckless to be firing into a crowded area unless there’s some sort of immediate threat, which Q&M really don’t present. They run from the police but offer very little in the way of actual violence (and Q seems to come from a place of relative privilege, to boot). Absolutely they’d be chased if they ran from police, but tasers, pepper spray, and K9 units are more probably the order of the day. Also, and this isn’t related to this chapter in specific, but I have been starting to wonder what TT has been doing this whole time. I realise she’s probably been badly hurt, but surely she (and/or BR’s wife) have some sort of agency in this? Who knows, maybe in the next chapter we’ll find out who’s in the helicopter and I’ll have to eat my words! I had to read this a couple of times before realizing it was a memory. I assumed so, and didn't have a problem with it not being made explicit. WRS, I think. Worked for me, anyway - I assume we mean J and Q's son. Yeah, this struck me as a bit odd to think of, it's not a reference from this book I don't think - maybe book 1? - and this is the first time we've heard of her. I stumbled on this too. I mean, I know the expression, but I had no idea why Ei was saying it until I read @industrialistDragon's comment about the catchphrase, about which I had forgotten. Also LOOK AT ME I COMPLETED A CRITIQUE ACTUALLY KIND OF ON TIME What am I going to do now that I don't have a huge backlog of stuff to get through (er, with the exception of hawkedup, sorry, I am still working on that!) I might have to start actually writing or something. Madness I say...
  7. As I read... p3 Does “the reds” refer to the RCMP…? Very top of p4, “hospital room” needs a closing quote mark. K’s comment about “reminds me if you in grade nine” and “I’d have locked you up” strikes me as weirdly paternalistic. Which is fine if that’s the characterization you’re going for. Isn’t it winter? Why is the car’s air conditioning on? (More likely regionally to be abbreviated as “AC” or “air” than “air con.”) Wait, so the MTs have attacked five people, but haven’t managed to kill anyone? (If they’re still in hospital…) Still wondering why the VLs are wandering around the service bay if they’re programmed to hunt other GMO animals, when the CGs are presumably long-gone. Also, releasing a small number of MTs to cause a panic makes sense to me, but I’m not really sure what is gained by now releasing everything and the kitchen sink? I mean, more panic, yes, but it seemed like the panic that we already had was working well enough to further the election plot. This just seems like it would be harder for Gen to wash its hands of its involvement after the fact. And if the plan was to release all of the animals, why didn't that just happen when the first set of MTs was released? If the plan has changed, why? Side note: all of these animals are going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Something for book 3? On the other hand, I’m glad to see that J and V are in on it. That negates a lot of my comments in the previous chapter about there being witnesses to the Mor/E scene. I’m guessing the other comments have picked up on this already, but there’s something very weird going on with the italicization throughout this sub. P10 “disuade” should be “dissuade” Overall I don’t have much to add that isn’t a rehash of what’s been said about previous chapters. @Mandamon makes a good point that we’re still getting a lot of various characters (including E and K, in this sub) travelling from point A to B – I remain anxious for things to start coming together in some sort of a way. I was a little bit concerned, too, that E at this point seems to be heading away from the plot. I'd also agree that the POV section from K didn’t really add much in terms of new information. I don’t think having a reminder that he’s out there chasing Q&M is necessarily a bad thing, but yes, the scene should bring something new to the table. New information or a complication for one of the main storylines. I was kind of glad to see this, actually. I think I mentioned this in the thread concerning that particular chapter, but given the overwhelming surveillance tech we have today, I can only imagine that 2099 would be more of the same. What's odd is that it's only just coming up now; you would think it would have come up at the time, or, perhaps, in K's first POV where he's decided to chase them (which might also help justify his decision; his motivations at the moment feel a little thin). 100% agree. Yeah, those references are there, but this is the first indication that we've had that this is something Mor cares about. I think this is 100% what needs to happen. I'd sort of assumed they were plants, but you're right, it's not entirely clear. That said, I don't know that it's something I need to know as a reader, personally.
  8. As I read: p3 "lacky" should be "lackey" top of p4, "sometimes today" should be "sometime" "We're just too busy to process you..." Is she being arrested? If so, shouldn't that just be said outright - and if they don't, shouldn't E be making a rather big deal of that? Ah, I see she IS doing that. Good. I was just expecting her to ask if she was free to leave before throwing an attorney into the mix. Really, if they were going to start arresting people for this - and they probably should - there was nothing stopping them from doing it sooner. There might be some additional charges now, is all. Now E's thinking about her suspension, and I'm not entirely certain why? We've already established that it was Mor acting alone, and presumably if she didn't still have resources she'd already know it, since she's been back at work for a couple of days. "Apologies for eyebrows..." great description. Do people still use "put it to the sword" in 2099? p6: "He seemed to coral his temper" should be "corral." Because of course there are velociraptors. Of course. In all seriousness, though, even without the assumption that Mor has messed with the coding, I'm a little surprised it didn't take more for Mor to convince E that this was a good idea? It seems like a bad PR move, and they have ... not a lot of time for this to shake out the way they hope it does. Also, I was surprised and maybe a little disappointed that the Armageddon option was "let's do the same thing, only different." p11 "...whatever them stumbles across" - "whatever they stumbled across?" I was also really hoping to see E start to cotton on to Mor before the revelation that that happens with the VLs. I think you were part of the way there with some of the stuff in this chapter, the emergency protocols and E asking Mor where he was, but the latter just seems like interpersonal tension during a difficult time and we don't really understand the significance of the former until it's revealed, so I think we're losing a bit of the buildup here--and we haven't really seen it elsewhere, except for Mor suspending E in the first place (which she doesn't seem to waste a lot of thought on). A fun way to get at this a bit might be E flashing back to having reviewed the footage of T’s incident with Mor. The reader is already experiencing some déjà vu (or at least, I certainly was) which I imagine is intentional; having E remember the footage of the first instance could be a great way to cue that what we think is happening is happening, although E doesn’t realise it quite yet. Or, she could start to have some totally unreasonable suspicions at this point based on the same. p15 “Do you think T every dreamed…” should be “ever.” Also p15, second instance of “CGs” – you’ve misspelled as “grators.” As a change of pace, this chapter works really well. We spent a long time with Q and M in the previous chapter which had a very different feel, so it’s good to get back to this part of the story. It was a bit of a jolt coming back to E having been more or less arrested, but I think I can chalk this one up to WRS (see! I used the acronym!) since some kind of throwdown with the cops was pretty much inevitable the moment the bodies were discovered. My biggest comment is that the Gen chapters feel, structurally, like they’re at a very different place than the Q&M chapters. Q&M still feel like they’re heading towards a beginning, while this scene between E and Mor feels climatic, or nearly so. On a more granular level, I don’t quite understand what Mor gets out of attempting to kill E at this particular moment, aside from the fact that he just got back into town. E’s released the vuds and had chats with Q and some cops, but doesn’t seem to have done or learned anything that would warrant her death, especially given the high public scrutiny that Gen would be experiencing right now. E had to batter down the door with the truck in order to escape, so presumably his plan wasn’t just to let her escape and release the VLs or CGs onto the world. And concealing a gory death in the Gen basement with animals that never should have been out of the loading dock seems like it would be difficult to conceal at the best of times; this is not the best of times, and now there are android and human witnesses that saw him and E go down there just prior to that. This all seems very high-risk for very little reward. This is an excellent point. To be fair, there is also the plot thread with Q's son, but at the moment we have only vague hints about how that's going to come together (and aside from Q occasionally thinking about meeting his son, the last of those hints, if I recall correctly, came quite some time ago). I see @industrialistDragon also called this one out. I stumbled too. The name sounds at somewhat familiar so probably WRS, but I did have the same reaction. I had the same assumption. And yeah, the VLs didn't seem all that ... Armageddon-y. Actually, I'm going to stop ease off on the quoting, I see that @Mandamelon, @industrialistDragon and I are on the same page about just about everything. I was okay with this. Most likely an external emergency number would only arrive in time to clean up the bodies. I was also okay with this. It's been fairly well-established that as far as modified beasties go, they pretty much have everything and the kitchen sink down there. That much I understood, and it was made clear early on, though a reminder couldn't hurt considering how much the political plotline is playing second fiddle. (Or third, or fourth.) What's missing for, me, personally, is what Mor and TOM actually get out of doing that, of which there has been, as far as I can tell. This worked, I thought, but I wanted more of it. Yeah, this is a good catch. I'm going to have to cut this short, I'll review the rest of the comments at next opportunity to see if there's anything else I can muddy up contribute to.
  9. I have been to "the middle bits," and this is 100% a fair point. A fact which I may or may not use to irk my friends and family who are from there at every opportunity.
  10. Sounds good. Any other takers?
  11. Yeah, the one time I actually did NaNoWriMo I worked on a story that was already in progress. Totally worth it and I ended up having tons of fun. We'll see. I have a LOT of work to be done before I could actually start drafting, and all those songs that I should be writing instead are calling my name... and looking very annoyed. But hey, the last time I did NaNo I did 40k words of it in the last week, so, you know, anything's possible right? Also who doesn't want to be the person writing an album and a novel at the same time?
  12. Meanwhile, it's solidly November 2nd over here, and I'm still tinkering with these notes and deciding whether I want to do it...
  13. Well, I'm still not convinced I can do anything in time for NaNoWriMo, but I just downloaded six articles on extraterrestrial geophysics anyway. JUST IN CASE.
  14. Aw, is it really that bad? *glances at dissertation-length prior posts* Ahem. Don't answer that. I more or less got your meaning, it's just a bit awkward with the last call having happened a fair bit ago in the text. You've probably seen more of Canada than I have! It happens. That's why we have this group! Haha, don't hold your breath, I'll barely even be home between now and Hallowe'en, let alone costume-making. Maybe next year?
  15. Yeah, um, sorry about that. Rule number 1: Never believe Silk when she says she has nothing to say. She's lying, if only to herself. It wasn't that it was a dumb idea so much as they didn't seem to have a reason to get out of the car to begin with. But I mean, if Q was just rattled by almost hitting the deer or something, that's an easy fix. Never mind, the trucker offered them a ride to Revelstoke, which I suppose is in the wrong direction... I'm not advocating this scene for this story, necessarily, but I would 100% read this. Yeah, this will help, possibly quite a bit. And I wonder if there is an opportunity to make some of those things that do happen, happen sooner? It's not so much about the individual things happening or not, those were just suggestions that seem plausible from my perspective, it's more about giving Q and M more changes to engage with the storyline, and do so actively.