K. Preston

Thanks again everyone, I am so sorry for all the POV switches. It is honestly the last chapter like that, as all the others are solely written from one character perspective per scene. My only excuse is that both of these were written earlier in my writing journey, and I was too stubborn to admit defeat. This chapter originally bounced back and forth between them. It also has two other versions. One completely from C's POV and the other from M's. I dislike them because I feel there is something lost between M and C, but I will try and fix it. regardless, I am changing it all. This chapter will move. I am currently writing a whole new chapter 2 and will move this somewhere else. @Cathy Lim You have touched on an area I do want to get across. C is being overprotected and hates it. It plays into her psyche and future decisions. Along with that, she does reach this self-reflection quick, and it works to how self-aware I want her to be. Is it realistic? Not really, but I think I can afford the hit on this one. Her desire to change is supposed to bring about the MC we see from here on out. No, it is not common, but you would be surprised. Besides it works for the scene. @Ace of Hearts Probably because nothing else precedes this portion of the story it does come across as C is after boys. After I move this and modify it I hope it is understood that she desires freedom and is willing to break some rules to exercise it when she gets the chance. If nothing else, I want her to be defiant and strong willed. @Mandamon All the stiff dialogue is slowly getting redone along with improving my show. I won't lie, it is hard. however, this is still exhilarating as I observe the story trapped for so long come slowly to life.

What proofreading options do you have turned on in Word? I have it fairly strict to include looking for passive voice and adverbs. It does seem to miss things randomly here and there.

Quick question, Does anyone use, know, or have information on the two popular editing programs (prowritingaid, and grammarly) I am currently only using MS Word. What I am curious about is knowing how much more they add beyond Word and also if they can assist with creative writing styles? As I am sure most of you that have read my submissions know, my grammar is randomly poor, and my ability to proofread it is not much better. That is not my only reason for asking. I just want to take my current and future work to the next level, and despite all your helpful critiques, I could end up editing till the next decade. Thanks K.P.

I am liking your story and find it intriguing. I am definitely interested in knowing more about Z and R. Ok so as I read: Pg1. I understand that Z's nausea is linked somehow to his beads and training, but honestly have no idea how or why. Maybe this is just me. Pg2-5. I agree with @ginger_reckoning on the magic system. I would like to know more about it and cant wait to see it in action. Pg6. "Somehow he pulled Z to his feet." On my first read I thought K was weak and small, on my second I realized that Z is still recovering. Pg8. I am not sure if Z is leery of K or seeing something of himself in K within the second to last line. I realize that I am behind because there are characters and knowledge that I am not familiar with from your first book. I guess that puts me at a disadvantage with what is happening so far, but don't worry I am not bothered by it. I am enjoying things so far and look forward to another chapter. Good luck K.P.

Hey Everyone, Hope this does not frustrate you all, but this chapter is a flashback. It is labeled as Chapter 2 but is potentially going to be moved if not removed. It's purpose was to flesh out both C and another character that plays into her story. I personally like it and found it helpful to establish personalities and it was easy to springboard off it when it came to other elements later on. The reason you're getting this is because this will be it for a while. Due to a busy schedule outside of writing, I won't be able to submit for a couple weeks. Not to mention that I left the last chapter with some work to do. This will be applied to Chapter 3 and 4 and potentially create another chapter. Fun stuff, and that is not sarcasm. Hope you enjoy it. Sincerely K.P.

Everyone, Thank you so much. I have put quite a few notes and plans together based off what feedback you have given me. Especially the feedback on exposition. I have a hard time feeling out what needs to be known and when it needs to be known that this chapter's poor flow became the result. @Silk No, sadly my unplanned Shakespeare reference is only mirrored by C's nobility and name. Her name actually comes from my first car. Concerning your grammatical note about sentence fragments. Frankly I hate them. I write them because when I free write, I write to get the thought on paper. Then, when I go back and try fixing everything I get lost in the mess and read them out loud the way I want them to sound and not the correct way. @ginger_reckoning, @Cathy Lim, @Yuliya. I like your predictions and am apologizing now. First because the clues given lead to something completely different. Second because I use it like a fishing lure. Constantly throwing it out and dragging it back. Some of you will probably be disappointed. We shall see. Okay, so I do not plan to resubmit this chapter after this next round of editing and will simply summarize it briefly. 1. I am removing the early assassin POV and toning down the exposition for the mansion and city. 2. C's age is 22 and that will be apparent a lot earlier. Along with this her dream will be less choppy. (The sudden shifts of real dreams does not make clear reading.) 3. The action will be more active and less descriptive. This should make it seem more real time, and less foggy or dreamy. 4. M's scene will not have as much extra exposition. (I have a new scene a couple chapter's later that can take on the majority of these through actual dialogue.) 5. My intended hook of C beginning her own investigation and us following her will be altered slightly. I will make her intentions a little clearer and add some weight to her plans. - I purposefully wrote it to be at the end of the chapter as some of you have noticed, and based on your feedback I feel some of you had to work to get that far. This one leaves me in a conundrum. I was hoping that the earlier scenes had enough pull to make this work. At this point I am concerned about the possibility this could be a put-the-book-down kind of problem. I will have to play around with this. Okay so those are going to be the big changes. I will adjust some of the other things you mentioned, but will leave a lot of it intact as was seen. Again thank you everyone. This has been a busy week and I feel bad having not been able to read and respond to all your amazing work. I will at least try and read them to keep up with your stories. Appreciatively, K. P.

I would like a slot again please.

First off thank you thank you thank you. When I said I was tired of reading this, this is exactly why. You caught so many little things that my mind had just started reading over without picking up bad punctuation or loss of prose. Your fresh eyes have given me some work, but the good kind. Thank you for mentioning what it felt like to read so much exposition. I was not comfortable with where it sat at times and honestly took a bunch out. I hope to clean it up with a new chapter and cut this chapter down a bit. I have some questions I will address at the end if you don't mind. This actually goes for anyone that reads this response. So please feel free to PM me or even reply here. Originally, I wanted sound to be the only subject of the whole opening, and somehow it transformed into a character POV. Not sure yet how I am going to fix that. "Wealth" yep... Supposed to be a city KNOWN for two reasons. <sigh> This one is killing me. I started with onomatopoeia and did not like it, though I use it later. Then tried it with a brief description (No 'suddenly'), felt it had no grasp. Also agree with you and don't like the way it reads now... I will find a way. Agreed. Will be fixed as I intend to adjust my exposition as discussed. Everything you pointed out has helped give me a good guide for this chapter. I wont change everything, but have a good idea where it is lacking now. I have a few questions if you please. I know POV is a hot topic and I promise it becomes one person in most chapters after this with a few exceptions, hopefully ones that will be understood when seen. Sanderson has mentioned in a lecture that a POV shift can be okay if it happens smoothly and the reader can follow. I get the impression mine is not. My questions are; How do you like to give a different character's introspection when it assists your plot? and What makes a smooth transition in your opinion?

Hello All, Okay so here is my first submission. A little nerve wracking, but I will get through it and hopefully not throw my manuscript in the trash. Okay, just kidding. I love where it's at and have been slowly editing it. This chapter has been in my vision for a little over a week now and honestly I am tired of looking at it. My systematic approach to editing it broke down along with the author (I cried in the bathroom curled up in the fetal). This is officially draft #3 and unofficially draft #117 or something like that. I mention all this because with all the writing, reading, and plotting I am sure I missed something. MS Word suggested punctuation changes enough to have me second guessing how each sentence reads (I am just too close to the story). So if you come across something that is unclear because of a missing comma, semi-colon, or whatever let me know. As we get started. Here are some prologue-ish things to help. Let me know if you think it needs these elements in the story. Thousands of years in the future humans have made it off earth. They never discovered intelligent life and are now the only space faring life among the stars. After establishing colonies across large swaths of universe many planets established political rule through one ruling family or families for each planet. Thus restarting monarchies and modified aristocratic hegemonies. This is overseen by a universal government system. Despite what it seems this has worked well and you can go safely into this story without expecting that to be a plot point. Also don't get married to the title. I have no idea what to call this and have simply referred to it as my MC's story up till today. What you see in the naming convention is merely something combining ideas. Thanks again, hope you like it. K.P.

Please give me a slot as well.

First off wow. I missed reading the first chapter (I know I could go back, but am to lazy) and have read this without probably a lot of context. That being said, I tried not to delve critically into your worldbuilding, and instead focused on how the story moved. I felt it moved great. It was not hard to follow what was happening as it went, and I liked the premise so far. Pg3. "You did not ask me to." I note that he still didn't ask him to. What outside of throwing up prompted action. It may be just me, but it feels like M should be able to pick up on A's feelings better and thus offer better support. Basically I want to know better why their relationship seems a little strained. Pg7. I thought C and A were both on the inside of the fence? Pg8. "Soon, he heard a repeated, muffled thumping sound, accompanied by a pathetic groan." This gives me an image of something much more rapid and less violent then when it is revealed. just a suggestion example; "A heard several muffled strikes against flesh followed by pathetic groans." Pg8. "... drank in many details at once." I like this. Pg9. It would be nice to know a little bit more about the anger and hatred that drives the humans to attack the mil. Pg10. "... the muscles in his shoulder and elbow stretched and ripped." I think I know what you are doing and I am now very concerned for A when he uses his power. Very nice. Pg11. I love when A shouts out loud. It demonstrates how emotional he is getting with M. Overall: I think it is well done. Again I am not reading with all the context so take anything in my comments that was answered with a grain of salt. I base my like off of how much I want to know more of the story and can promise that I will catch up with the first chapter before reading any other submissions. Good job. K.P.

Sorry this is late. So, I will try to answer both your questions and what I felt of the chapter. First off I liked it. I can agree with everyone about the dream. Because R does not remember it, I think it lost its meaning on me. Otherwise I know it is poignant to your protagonist and will have deeper meaning for us later on. I am just not sure where it will fit at this time. I am not good at the As I go (I read the pages two times before writing this), but her we go. As I go (went): Pg4. Something about the way R is experiencing the apple sensations seems out of order with the descriptions. Pg5. You seem to set up a conflict between R and T but then shrug it off with R doesn't know what to think of her. T is tough, a little more showy, and more outspoken than R. If there is more to this, it is set up fine. I am just wondering if you could expound on R's wariness of T and why to kind of even out the flow. Pg6. I kind of want to know more about Z's motivation for skipping lessons is and what it means for him. Overall: I love your dialogue and how natural it sounds. I think the chapter has good pace and I like it so far. One thing for now is that I can honestly say it has not gripped me yet. That is not to say that I would not read any further. It is intriguing enough to go another chapter. I just mean I don't have any emotional attachment to any particular character or premise at this point.

Hi everyone, This is the same post I used on the Forums introduction. So, I will add a little more to the bottom. I am someone who loves to write, although I am not sure if I could consider myself a writer. I have always written different things when able. Mostly my own extended epilogues to my favorite movies, video games, or stories, and on occasion writing poems or short stories. I am here because I was inspired to write a novel (and have finished the first draft), all while following Brandon Sanderson's lectures online. This kind of started last year after retiring from a 20 year military career and found myself sitting on my butt doing nothing. I enjoyed the Mistborn series thoroughly and began asking myself, "Can I write like that?" Sadly the answer is "No", but through listening to him I have been improving this craft and enjoying it more. Maybe one day I will be able to say I am an author, but for now I am not sure I fit the title of writer. So, for now, I am excited to meet new people and see what is in store for me all while putting my work out there for willing beta-readers. I think I can claim I am multi-genre in likes and style, but with my preference being sci-fi. The above mentioned book is a sci-fi universe without aliens. I play it off as if we discovered how to leave earth and the galaxy, but never discover another intelligent species. This leads to planets becoming the equivalent of countries and governments regressing to monarchies while politics changes to control it all under one umbrella. That is all below the surface iceberg stuff. I am both nervous to see what you think while excited to edit it into a finely crafted tale. I say all that to then add that I will get to that in time. I am still in my personal editing stage to ensure that each chapter carries the same tone and that I have all the parts written out. Right now I am just introducing myself and letting you know what brought me here. I also look forward to reading everyone else's work, although I am not sure how qualified I am to be critique anything. lol. Take care, K.P.

Hello all, I am someone who loves to write, although I am not sure if I could consider myself a writer. I have always written different things when able. Mostly my own extended epilogues to my favorite movies, video games, or stories, and on occasion writing poems or short stories. I am here because I was inspired to write a novel (and have finished the first draft), all while following Brandon Sanderson's lectures online. This kind of started last year after retiring from a 20 year military career and found myself sitting on my butt doing nothing. I enjoyed the Mistborn series thoroughly and began asking myself, "Can I write like that?" Sadly the answer is "No", but through listening to him I have been improving this craft and enjoying it more. Maybe one day I will be able to say I am an author, but for now I am not sure I fit the title of writer. So, for now, I am excited to meet new people and see what is in store for me all while putting my work out there for willing beta-readers. Take care, K.P.