Cathy Lim

This is a fun reversal- ha ha! Oh boy- the double entendre, innuendo is off the charts here and I feel like I'm missing half of it despite the fact that I regularly read and edit my brother's gay erotica. Fun story though I must have been super tired or something for my first read through because it wasn't flowing into my brain well, but I read it through a second time and it's much better now. Just a few notes- Page 1- Tw his faithful assistant. The first time I read this I kept reading it as Tweeky- as in the Buck Rogers TV show mini robot Tweeky. Oh boy, I'm old. "Never a wrinkle, and it shows" Shortly after that you have a showing. Not sure if you're wanted to eco that twice. I know in some spots it's clearly on purpose, but I also tend to get stuck on one word and reuse it for a whole page. I often catch it in edit, but not always. It's just something that jumps out at me because of my academic writing training. Page 2- "T peered at the back of the display, frowning at the rear of Doctor T's head." This visual was awkward for me to place. Page 5- "M called, swimming through slices of blue pepperoni" My first read through of this I thought the asteroids had turned into pepperoni. Now I can see it was his background on the screen. With the phasing asteroids and changing communication screen my brain got confused. Page 8- "resist d-rays at close range.’” I love the mention of the fine print at the beginning and now emphasized at the end. Stupid 'resistant" fine print! There's really not much to say- great story! It was cute!

Won't be finished with this draft until September, then we'll see how revisions will proceed.

Sorry I am late! I was cramming for my book club last week. Interesting story! Ditto on the Twilight Zone feel. I struggled with the first few paragraphs. I just couldn't picture where the character was and why they were there. When we got to the coffee counter it became a bit clearer. I don't understand the tea with his name on it. Was that magic? Technology? Something the boar did? I was thinking through most of this that it was an animal getting revenge on a hunter. I liked that it was actually an alien race that had turned him into a human. Page 1- " smelling of mushroom" Do mushrooms smell really? I haven't really noticed that they do except for that damp wet foresty smell. You start the first three paragraphs with the character's name. Is that intentional style? If not I try to watch for that in my writing and mix things up a bit. "What would they need on the platform anyway?"- I'm not sure why he's thinking about wild boars at this point, and why a family of boars? Page 3- "When the agony passed"- if it was so hot he was in agony I don't think he'd take another sip. And I'm confused- did the tea turn him back into a boar? How did that work? Page 4- "With an oink" I was very confused with this description until later when he turned into a boar. It didn't make fit with the rest of the description when I first saw it. Page 6- "leaves mush"- again this is not a smell I'm really placing well and I live in the Pacific Northwet and have walked in damp, rainy woods many times. Page 8- "And why had he attacked him before"- I feel like J just jumps to the conclusion that this is the same boar that attacked him on the platform. If the train had traveled for a while why would he assume that? What clues would make him believe that? Page 13- “No, J. You know that the programme"- Is the cop also named J? Are they all Js? I think this is a great story! Keep working at it and it should come together nicely!

Thanks!

No, it was fine! I'm just not in a good place for critique right now. I'm on a deadline and in a hurry and I thought I could juggle it all, but it looks like I can not. I'm not sure if there will be time to run it through this group when I'm done because it will go into content edits when I'm finished, but if there is time I will! Thanks for your help! I am keeping the feedback to look at later when I go into revision!

Interesting continuation of chapter one, but it felt kinda rushed, or like the worldbuilding was on fast forward. After the tension built in chapter one this chapter feels kind of sluggish. Page 3- I will take Her Highness back to the place.”- is this supposed to be place? that seems somewhat vague. Page 5- “All right,” A said. “You can stay with us. On my authority as overseer or whatever the official protocol is.”- this seems like a pretty quick concession given A doesn't really know L's motivations or the operations at the base. I feel like L would need to fight more for this, or gain A's trust. Page 7- “I’m starting to see why children wait in line for hours to use recreational consoles,” A said after standing up.- A. seemed to use this technology very quickly. I felt like it should have been a bit more of a struggle to get used to it. Page 15- The bureaucrats must want us to lose so they can scare ministers into thinking a soldier revolution is happening.” - I feel like A jumped to this conclusion awfully quickly. This seems like something they would need at least a few more clues about. Or at least the reader should have those clues from somewhere. I guess these examples are why I felt it was rushed. Like the information could have rolled out a little more organically. Like the characters are making huge leaps without earning it. I like all the technology and where the story seems to be headed! Great story!

I'm going to have to bow out for a while. I've discovered critique while I'm drafting is very bad for my confidence. I need to focus and push through to finish the book right now, and I don't really have time for revision, so all your wonderful feedback is just getting shoved into a folder for right now anyway. Thank you so much for your time and effort in reading and giving feedback, I really appreciate it!

It works like this- you inherit the patriarchal line from your father. L's father's magic was fire, so L inherited fire from his father and earth from his mother. Z's father's magic is fire, so he inherited fire from his father, but his mother's magic is healing so both him and Re inherited fire and healing. (Same goes for girls and the matriarchal line.) If you're a boy the tendency is for your patriarchal magic to be more dominant, and expected to be the child's focus. Same if you're a girl and the matriarchal line. This makes tracing your ancestry super easy just by knowing what magic someone does. That's why I changed it so R's mother is hiding her magic- because she would be super traceable just by the nature of her magics.

I've decided to step back from submitting. I thought this draft was in better shape than it is and getting so much critique while I'm drafting is messing with my head. (AKA I want to jump off a cliff or scrap the thing and start completely over AGAIN.) So thank you so much for the offer, but I need to step away from feedback until I get this draft done. Thanks for all that you've done with it so far! I really appreciate your effort!

Hello Everyone, Sorry to be a bit late this week. We have family in town and I thought this would be easier to send out then it was. Feedback from this chapter has been pretty good so far- we’ll see what you all think. Ha ha! Cathy

I need a spot for next this week please!

Yeah, I know. Silk already bounced off this. I will change it when I get to it. Thanks! I'm still playing with this. I originally had Z really fawning over the blonde apple farmer, but my first readers thought it was too much so I backed off of it and had to add R noticing him watching some guy (who we'll meet later at the party) at the lake. I'm still working on fixing the balance here. As always, thanks for your thoughts!

Thanks so much! I live for positive feedback! I believe your questions would be cleared up with chapters 1 and 2- sorry about that! Thanks again!

Yes. This was a quick addition I made because of where the plotline has ended up taking me. I originally had Z slowly heal himself, but when I got further in I realized he can't heal at all, so I threw this in so hopefully you can pick up that Re healed him.

This is a very interesting story, and great worldbuilding! I'm not the best at knowing if prologues work, because I love them, but I will say that the interpersonal relationships in this kind of threw me. I get why you have everything the way that it is, but it was really hard to follow at first. Complicated, and I'm expecting somewhere in the novel all of these relationships are going to have a bigger role, otherwise I think you could simplify this. (I am a little heartbroken at the rift between brother and sister, but that's me- ha ha!) Page 4- “The S W You said it was like talking to a person.” - I think maybe given how chapter one shows us where life its after this calamity it might be useful to have a little better understanding of how it all works from the prologue. It's very vague. Some thoughts on chapter 1- is A working against this SC? Does she agree with it? Not agree? I like the set up for this, but I'm a bit confused on where she stands. Page 10- Before long, A saw a child running away from a monster made of C C.- I thought for sure A was going to be in trouble with M for running off to fight the spider. Or that this was some sort of test to prove she was a soldier in a minister body? Should A be running off to save the child or is she getting herself in trouble? Sorry to be short this week, but I read through it will very little things that kicked me out. Great job!