FlowerGirl

Welcome! It's great to have you here!

I'm going into this without reading your previous submissions, so my responses are colored as such. Pg-1 The characters are reading as teenagers or children, this comes from phrases like "Mom telling" or "Big day." I don't know their exact ages, but this could be something to be aware of. Pg-2 There's a lot of dialog on page two. I caught myself skimming, though I think the fact that I'm unfamiliar with many of the names being used contributes to this. Pg-3 I'm interested in this whole concept of the glass exoskeleton, and how it seems to be portrayed as somewhat difficult magic. Pg 4- I like the mentions of different rates of aging and mentions of political matters. These are quite interesting. Pg1-5-So far I've had a hard time getting engaged, but I assume this is because I've started in the middle of the story and don't have enough context to properly follow the conversations taking place. Pg 8-The mention of how characters have been created is intriguing. I'm certainly interested in this concept. Pg 5&8-You use a form of the work "dally" twice. Not a huge number, and probably far enough apart that it doesn't matter, but it's an unusual enough word that it stuck out to me. Pg 9- I'm loving the speculation on the politics behind the outcome of the vote and the differences in people who voted for C versus against. Pg 9-10-Both C and H seem to be somewhat hotheaded, and H especially seems irrational. Their personalities are interesting considering that they've been given or consider for a position of power (If I'm correctly understanding what head guard is.) I'm excited to see more of these two. Pg 10-I'm enjoying the action, it contrasts nicely with the conversations and considerations in the earlier pages. Pg 12-I like the more mundane and creative use of magic (scaling a wall with weapons) I feel like this adds flavor and realism. Pg 13-"Blades across his throat...said to corpse" I love the way this is written! For a second I didn't realize A killed him, and then all of a sudden dead! Pg 15-Great ending to the chapter! Overall-I'm loving the magic, the politics, and the world in general. The beginning was a little dialog heavy without a lot of action, but I do think I would've found it much more interesting if I'd read previous submissions and actually understood what was going on. Now, having finished reading I think the thought heavy beginning contrasted nicely with the action heavy end, and the fight sequence was amazing! And the death at the end, despite only having known S for 15 pages hurt. Overall I love this, and my biggest thing would be to consider interspersing the dialog with a bit of something else, but again, I think I would've enjoyed it more if I'd had context from previous submissions. Hopefully something in here is helpful. Sorry for the late response.

Callsign: Leamos It's the command form of we read in Spanish, so I'm essentially telling both myself and others to read which is an accurate depiction of my personality (I think I'm understanding the Spanish right, but if you speak Spanish and I'm wrong feel free to correct me.)

YKYASFW When you hear the word shard and end up thinking about Stormlight instead of paying attention in class.

This is a good point. Thanks! I'll make sure to explain this better. Thanks for pointing out that this isn't entirely clear. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the feedback! I can definitely see what you're saying here. I'll be sure to fix this. These are all really good points. I'll definitely be doing some editing where the resistance is introduced. Thanks for the feedback!

Hi everyone, I completely changed the conversation between K, her parents, and the government official, so I'm resubmitting that and then submitting ch2. I'm excited to hear what everyone thinks! Thanks for reading!

If there's space, I'd like to submit as well.

Pg 6-“He was supposed to be gone for only a couple of hours,” Interesting, I was under the impression that the imposter had forcibly replaced H, but apparently not. Pg 6-"will likely suffer from an unfortunate accident." It's unclear whether the real H will be suffering from an accident or if it'll be staged so it appears H has had an accident. Pg 10-"baubles powered by mutated fish." This is a really interesting origin for electricity, though I am confused about how a fish mutation would create electricity. Pg 11-I'm noticing there're a lot of long descriptions in this chapter and I'm starting to get a little tired of them. Pg 11-"holy duty to care after the animals that they practiced their craft on." This is interesting, I like it. Pg 11-"his hunch here was correct." This seems like quite the conclusion to draw from a single flinch. Pg 16-"He smiled, shaking hands," I'm not sure, but it almost seems like you changed tenses here. It's hard to tell because you focus in on the moment for a paragraph, then go back to being further away(I hope that makes sense, I wasn't really sure how to explain it.) Anyway, something about smiled and shaking being next to each other felt off as I read. Overall I really enjoyed this. As for exposition, I thought there was a good amount maybe a little more than average, but not enough to bother me. As for whether or not the POV is warranted, I think it is. I enjoyed seeing G's perspective on things. I did notice that he didn't do anything too villainous, right now I view him as another character and not necessarily a major antagonist. I quite like the villain not being overly villainous it's a nice change of pace from villains who just want to watch the world burn. I really enjoyed the pacing, it almost felt cozy (I realize this is a somewhat odd way to describe it.) the pacing wasn't too fast or slow which I enjoyed.

Pg 1-You left off with the entire group fighting the t, and never finished that battle. It's a little frustrating not knowing what happened. Pg2-I'm liking the calmer use of the magic system now that we've seen the destructive side of it. It creates a nice contrast. Pg 6-"The boy can shame an avalanche in loudness and this time the t would not spare the crew if you bring him along”. This sentence was difficult to read. How do you shame and avalanche in loudness? That doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant to say he could shame an avalanche for being too loud(I could be completely wrong.) I also don't understand why the t wouldn't spare the crew if B went along. Are the t intelligent, or would B's bungling just get them all killed? Pg 6- "social visit." This does seem to imply that the T are intelligent. That's the theory I'm going with for now. Pg 9-"duck flying shoes." You can't duck a flying shoe. You either duck away from a flying shoe or dodge a flying shoe. Pg 12-"He didn’t live it all over again." This is a little confusing. Are you saying he didn't want to live it all over again or are you saying that because he pushed the memory away he didn't relieve the experience? If that's what you were going for the wording was a bit confusing. It might make more sense to phrase it differently. Maybe something along the lines of "He pushed the memory away" or "He forced his mind to stay in the present." These aren't the best examples, but hopefully, they're helpful. Pg 12-“Hungry like I have run for that long too." This isn't quite correct, maybe something along the lines of "Hungry as if I was actually running." or "Hungry as if I was running instead of dreaming." Again, not the best examples, but hopefully they're helpful. Pg 12-"A heartbeat faster than usual?” This would make more sense as "Is your heartbeat faster than usual?" Pg 13 "but surely he looked his twenty-two." This could work as a form of unique character speech if that's what you were going for, but otherwise, it'd make more sense to say "surely he looked his age." or some other variation of that. Overall this chapter was a lot slower than the last one. The beginning was frustrating since you never finished off the battle. I assume that's because B passed it, so it might help to explain that. There were some issues with wording, but that's completely understandable considering that English isn't your first language. I enjoyed the chapter, hope to see some action or at least a change of pace in the next one. Thanks for sharing!

Here's the first chapter of my novel. I wrote it about a year ago and figured it was about time that I came back and edited it. I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks! Despite having finished the novel I've been unable to come up with a decent name, any suggestions are appreciated.

I'd like a slot as well.

Pg 1-I had a hard time getting my bearings. You left off with A helping his father while being watched by G. Now A and C are running, and I have no idea why. Pg 2-You introduced S, and I read her name as Salmonella, not an issue, but hopefully, she's an unsavory character because that's all I'll be able to think about when I read her name. Pg 3-I still don't know why A and C are running all over the place or what they're doing. At this point, it's somewhat frustrating not to have an explanation. Pg 4-They picked up clothes? I feel like I've missed a lot. Pg 4- "And, in truth, for A it was a matter of dignity as well." You said he wasn't shy, but then you say it's a matter of dignity. I know the two are somewhat different, but it still felt slightly contradictory. Pg 4- You finally mention that they're going after the chickens. It's good to know, but I would've liked to know this earlier. I also still have no idea how A slipped away from G and got different clothes. Even knowing what A and C are doing I still feel like I'm missing something. Pg 5- A is planning to steal chickens, but he also wants to help people. Wouldn't stealing someone's chicken go against that? Despite this, I'm invested in the whole chicken thing and can't wait to see how it plays out. Watching someone who has been gifted powers by a god stealing chickens is completely absurd. Pg 6-I'm a little confused about why C is trying to touch everything. Touching the chicken coop to float the chickens out might make sense since it's hard to carry more than two chickens at a time, but I don't understand why touching everything else is important. Pg 10-I felt that the fight scene was very well written. It was easy to follow exactly what was happening, and I was rooting for A to win so he could save the old man. Pg 11-" What,” C said, staring down at the two humans, “the was that.” I think there should be a question mark rather than a period here. Overall I really enjoyed this one I understood what was going on. For the first several pages it was hard to care about what was happening because I didn't understand what was happening. Once you gave an explanation I really started to enjoy the chapter.

Welcome to Reading Excuses, it's great to have you here! Pg 1-I'm enjoying the beginning, I like how you get right into things. Pg 1-By paragraph two I'm pretty sure B has just been running and that's why he's trying to catch his breath, but I'm not entirely certain. Pg 1-"It was almost as if they were canceling each other’s sound waves and done it in such a perfect synchrony that not even the softest sound escaped for more than a few feet." Done should be doing. Pg-1 In paragraph three you mentioned how much preparation B has put into getting ready for the event. I found this added importance and intrigue to it. Great job! Pg 2-"Their only hope now was that the beast was further than they expected." I think there's a word missing here. Maybe add away after further. Pg 2-"who seemed to run without pausing" Generally when running there is no pausing. I think what you were trying to convey is that they were easily moving across the pebbles. Maybe change pausing to another word. Pg 2-I'm liking how B is made out to be the leader of this whole thing, but is somewhat clumsy I'm finding it to be quite entertaining. Pg 2-"Each quick step struggling to fall on dry and flat." There's a word missing here. Maybe add ground after flat. Pg 2-I really like how you described R. I normally find character descriptions with more than one or two attributes bothersome, but the way you described R made the description quite enjoyable to read. Pg 3-"carved them right from the stone with the sound." I'm enjoying how you are adding to how terrifying the T are and having multiple mentions of sound. Everything feels very cohesive. Pg 3-"The same one they would use" Same what they would use? Do you mean a certain frequency of sound? It might be helpful to specify here. Pg 6-"He had done what he had come for and would rather be alive when the time came to return and retrieve his instruments." Would rather implies that he's choosing between two options, but there's not really a second option. Maybe you could change would rather to wanted to. Pg 7-I'm really enjoying the nonverbal communication. It's interesting and quite enjoyable how little spoken dialog there is. Pg 8-Finally seeing the T is very satisfying. Everything before its appearance seems to have been building up to this point. Pg 11-The ending felt a bit sudden, I'd like to know what B is doing to the T. Overall I really enjoyed this, B is a fun character to follow, and I find his clumsiness entertaining. The sound-based magic system (I think it's a magic system.) is really interesting and unique. The T are quite terrifying, and the battle scene was exciting. I thought the pacing was quite good, things moved quickly, but not too quickly. I also had a good picture of the setting in my mind. Great job, I really enjoyed this and can't wait to read more!

The POV shift was surprising, and it took me a minute to figure out what was happening. Pg 3-4- Now that I've figured out the whole POV shift I'm actually quite liking it. It's interesting to have A get his powers, and then have the reaction of someone other than him meeting him right after. Pg 4-7 The shift from C to A was smooth, but the shift from A to C didn't work quite as well for me. It was a couple of paragraphs before I realized that the POV shifted. Overall I liked how this chapter was paced. I moved through it quickly without slowing down anywhere. The POV shift especially at first was surprising, but I felt that it worked well. The only thing I'm not entirely on board with is that it feels like C is being set up to be a secondary protagonist, and there hasn't really been set up for that (As far as I've noticed.) I'm enjoying having a second opinion on A's powers. I did feel like not a lot happened in this chapter. C's reaction to A, A healing R, and A healing the injured were both good points, everything else didn't feel very important. Hope this helps!

You mention that you're worried that you've made this too similar to stormlight archive. I'm honestly not seeing too much similarity. I think these chapters would work well combined. Pages 7-10 had a lot of telling. Pg 1-"And now, it was all burning." The positive description of the neighborhood and then the burning really made me care. The bit about the neighborhood burning hit me surprisingly hard. Pg 2-"The human pyrokinetic" Interesting. Until this point, I was under the impression that only other species had powers, but I guess that's not the case. I'm realizing I'm not entirely clear on the human and not human divide. Pg 2-“Shifters are about ninety-five percent less likely to become a conji than a human is." So shifters are a different species, and a conji is someone with a power? Pg 3-"drawing what little mass he could from his already dangerously small fat reserves." This reminds me of the khandra from Mistborn. It's also interesting that a shifter can just move around its mass and not create new mass. I like the limitation on their powers. Pg 4-"Pyrokinetics, while able to start fires, were not fireproof themselves." Oof, my mind immediately went to all the ways a pyrokinetic could accidentally hurt themselves. No wonder they have issues. Pg 6-"He stared at the unconscious human." I thought Y was a shifter. In the beginning of your last submission, you mentioned his tattoos shifting due to his power. Does he have some power aside from being a shifter that allowed his tattoos to move? Pg's 13-14-I'm loving the way that A is casually talking to a divine apparition. I find it quite funny.

Apologies for the lateness and briefness of my reply. I hope that my feedback can still be helpful. So far the plot is making sense. I'm not very invested in A. The character that interested me most was R, and I felt the mentions of biomages seemed to suggest a future encounter with them. Pg 2-“Make sure they’re well situated.”-It almost feels like a letdown to hear about fighting and then have A sent to the sick bay. Pg 2-"They wore their safe form"-The description of C felt a bit long. Pg 9-"Murderers wandering the streets in packs." I enjoyed this bit of imagery. It created quite a vivid picture in my mind. Pg 10-"This was someone who wanted them all dead." I feel more satisfied with A being sent to the sick bay now that there's chaos and he has a purpose. Overall I enjoyed this but wasn't terribly invested in A, and my lack of investment in him is making it difficult to get invested in the plot.

Welcome to the shard, it's great to have you here!

"Q kept mum." This seems like a typo. "After a few shakes to jostle his brain back into alignment," This seems odd. Knocking his head on the ceiling wouldn't put his brain out of alignment. I could see this as an exaggeration, but shaking his head back into alignment doesn't seem like the right response. "put it in writing and everything." It's good to finally know why Q and F have been traveling together, but personally, I think It would be nice to know a little earlier on. "With a gun that, being a woman and therefore incapable of properly handling a firearm." He did not just go there. "He had to, having no hands and all." F seems pretty ok with being of ostrich. It seems odd that he wasn't made more of an effort to be changed back. "and nothing came to her. And QW continued to die." And is used twice, reading this felt a bit clunky. Pg 11-I'm wondering what Q's backstory is. If she's such a powerful witch why is she a journalist? How did she get to this point? "How many centuries back did he send feminism--" I'm glad to see this addressed. "You’re lucky that Her Holy Majesty’s not her mother." Your mother? "FN" This is a nickname F gave, it seems odd that Q would come up with the same nickname unless F shared it with her. Nice cliffhanger. Overall I enjoyed these chapters. I really liked seeing the other witches. I also like how the sunspots have been repeatedly threatened, and are entering the story. I found that satisfying. I was quite annoyed with F for his jab at women and was glad when Q addressed it. Thanks for sharing, I can't wait to read the next chapter!

Welcome! It's great to have you here. What's your favorite series?

Incorrect quotes that may or may not be completely accurate, but (I think) are pretty funny. Wayne: I'm tired. Wax: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?! Wayne: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it. Steris: Wayne is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays. Steris: No matter how many times you say please, Wayne. We won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code. Syl: Kaladin: >:( Syl: Turn that frown upside down! Kaladin: ):< Syl: Not sure what I was expecting...

Lol, my brother does both of these things too. He seems convinced that real life should work like Minecraft, meaning that if he builds a tower a pulls out the bottom the rest will stay standing. He gets upset when it doesn't. He's also great at having conversations while tantruming, the second my mom tells him to stop gaming he throws a full-on tantrum, manages to have a conversation with my mom, and manages to keep playing the game. It's actually quite impressive.

I haven't read any of Stephen King's books. TPBM has peeled the coating of an M&M and eaten only the chocolate inside.