Yuliya

Hello! I honestly don’t have much to say beyond what was mentioned above, but here are a few thoughts: - The romance between Z and K felt like it was running on 10x speed. Walking on Z in a bathtub? Weren’t there locks on doors there? Was K even sure it was Z who was inside? Did K watch Z go in, wait until he was almost done and then walk in? The situation felt off to me. - So… is Z and Th a thing? A comment about Z having a place to stay overnight in town makes me wonder that. But then he is overly friendly with K too, so perhaps not? - I think there may be too many red flags for K. Every question he asks is suspicious. Where had Z been last night? Why can’t we kill with magic? Can’t he meet Z’s sister who conveniently works in the library? What was your misadventure last night? I found him too obvious for a good villain. - I liked the last discussion between Z and K about directing magic towards good things. - The explanation between Healers and physicians was nice. - The mental illness discussion did not strike me as insensitive either, but I though Silk has a point about the "why can't you just be happier" logic. Thanks for the sub!

Honestly, I don't care how it ends. The day I finish the last Comere book, I will cry anyway

As I go: P.1. “A small part of me” - nice I felt the letter to be somewhat Disney-villainy in its assurances of benevolence, i.e. it is so obviously oily I lose all respect for MA’s cunning. Also, how exactly does he know that W has been making progress with N? Does he have them followed? P.2. – G is the most frustrating character for me so far. “Anything for family…” - except actually explaining what is going on. And W doesn’t ask either? “Okay, so Niall isn’t” – mmm, wasn’t that obvious? The vampire joke is cute. P.3. So amma is non-binary, autistic, asexual and aromantic? I think that makes an interesting character, but I find myself either wanting to see them more on screen or not having to keep all the characterization in mind the few times we do. P.6/7. The conversation is very mature here. Honesty is a wonderful trait in a relationship but it feels like they are extremely analytical of themselves and their feelings all the time. In fact, I notice that most of these conversations have the “how are we feeling part” - which is great and new - but I also feel it could be helpful to have “hey, did you see that movie?” part or something similarly not-deeply-personal once in a while. P.8. “Heather is your” – why the surprise? In chapter 9, N refers to her as H. K., so he knows H and W share a last name. Did he think it a coincidence or did he not know W’s last name? P.10. – “I was waiting for that question” – yeap, so was I, haha P.11/12 – again, even the board games are discussed from a very emotional viewpoint P.15. – “We could still go as friends” – not a recipe for an awkward evening at all, haha. But again, a lot of sorting out feeling out loud. Overall: I enjoyed the submission and I think it reads very easily. I also like both protagonists and want everything to work out for them. My main concern (see LBLs for detail) is how analytical of their emotions the characters are. It can be a trait of one person, but both? It is harder for me to believe. Also, I find myself wishing for some truly happy moment for W and N. Perhaps, the upcoming dance? They are so tense all the time and I feel like they deserve an evening that is not spoiled by appearance of an ex-girlfriend or overprotective parent or conversations of lost parents or looming dangers. But maybe that is just me wishing the best for them, haha Keep up the good work!

I will pause my submissions for now, thank you everyone who helped so far!

Thanks @Mandamon I will keep working to make sure things are less hazy in future drafts.

Hello, a very short submission from me this time since it seems this week is somewhat of a break for everyone.

I would like to submit tomorrow, if this is not too late of a notice.

Thank you @Mandamon, @ginger_reckoning and @Ace of Hearts for your comments. They are a big help, as always!

As I go: P.1. “ensure that no wandering humans” – why wear the true forms in the first place if it is so much hustle? Is it physically demanding to wear a human form outside or is it a “being yourself” issue? P.2. “give one visions of past or future lives” – out of curiosity, is that true or just a common belief? p.3. “slaughtered for recreational use” – I was under impression that the octopuses produced ink when alive, so why kill them? P.8. “pleased to here” – should be hear “a smile made itself comfy” – nice P.10. – after chapter one, I was under impression they could all “sense” each other physically P.11. – “Hoe comfortable was” – should be “how” P.12. “esoteric spots of herself” – not sure “esoteric” is the right word here P.13. “The process was ll too”- remove ll “impressed her speed” – “with” is missing P.14. “Miracles flowed through” - nice Overall: Congratulations on the 50k mark! That’s awesome! I thought it grimly realistic how there always would be those who would try using power for enrichment. The opium episode was nicely done. The eating scene was creepy. It is another example of how M takes control over A and it makes me very apprehensive of its future influence. It is also telling that M did not object to the opium production at all, which is another subtle characterization of the “well-meaning” god. I also liked how A understood humans a little better here. I feel like in a story about the racial survival, it is important to understand the opponent. I was slightly put off by the bone vs eggshell discussion in the beginning - especially since A goes on to heal folk in the end of the chapter without eating either (or at least, we were not told of it). Also, something felt off about the H vs O showdown. I am not exactly sure what felt off, but I find myself distant from that particular conflict. As for future plot, I hope to see G and his apprentices again, as well as the plot moving beyond A’s immediate concerns to a larger picture. Chickens are nice, but I hope A has a plan to get mila out of their oppression and forced illegal activities. I am also looking forward to a conflict between A and M, as well as its costs. Thanks for the submission!

Yes, but the Edgedancer happens before that battle with Dalinar and Cord. So by then he had already acknowledged that he was wrong killing innocents.

I don't think that is entirely true. Edgedancer spoiler below: As for Desolation, we see him after the battle, correct? Perhaps, he had dismissed the Plate already.

I agree figuring out the right balance between moving plot and explaining things is rather hard for me at the moment. Th earlier chapters had too little worldbuilding, while the prologue and some pages here have too much. Well, I can't get better if I am not told what doesn't work, so thank you for your thoughts! I truly appreciate the feedback on this. The healing scene is still there - it is largely the same, so I didn't want to ask you to read it again. He had his reasons

Considering that Nale had spent several years killing every potential knight radiant, perhaps he simply didn't want to wear a plate with their insignia carved into his chest plate? That maybe too hypocritical even for him...

No worries, I hope you will feel better soon!

Hi everyone, I have a bit of an unusual submission this time. I often make small changes based on your comments, but sometimes these changes are too significant to continue the story without letting you know about them. So, this week, I am submitting a part of chapter two that I have edited as well as chapter six. As a reminder, chapter two begins with R healing B with the Aria using a bead of seleill, while chapter five ends with K leaving the camp after his confrontation with R at dinner. I hope the nonlinearity of the submissions is not too confusing!