Elf

Is it the look of a fire that you remember? Or the burning it leaves on your skin?
Do you remember the orange flames reaching towards you, or the kisses left behind by the heat? 
The rain drizzles down onto the gray pavement and all I think of is your smile.
I think, I think, i think. 
That was always the problem, wasn't it? 
I thought too much and you never thought enough. 
You wove yourself into the very fabric of my being, into the humanity in this husk we call a body. 
And now I can't look at the stars without thinking of what might have been.
You had your demons, alright. 
But you always shied away from mine 
Did they scare you? Can you imagine how they scared me? 
Love was supposed to be the absolution, the salvation. 
Love was supposed to be a cup of tea on a winter day; a warm bed on a rainy day; wine on a moonlit night.
Love was supposed to be so much more than this. 
And yet.
Downy snow falls around me and it feels like your touch. 
I run my thumb through a lighter and your laughter echoes like a church bell.
Because you were a fire, strong and burning 
How I wished we could have burned together 
But now my soul scatters away like the ash of an unwanted thing.
Unwanted, undesirable 
Loved, craved,
With you, I was all of these.
I changed myself, bones cracking and heart shattering so you could form me as you wished. 
Weren't you supposed to accept me? Wasn't i supposed to be much more than clay? 
Did you love me for me, or for what you could make me? 
I don't think I'll ever know. 
I can only blame you as much as I can blame myself. 
Fire eats everything in the end, the buildings, the people, the life 
It will eat the earth itself and the birds will wander aimless on a barren wasteland. 
Because it takes its beauty from destroying 
And it's only lovely as long as you're not the one it's ruining 
We were never meant to be. 
We weren't "right person, wrong time" because for the right person there's never a wrong time. 
We were simply young and dumb, drunk on life and each other. 
I can't hate you, and I hope you don't hate me either. 
This chapter ends, now. 
Page turned.
 

MY FINALS ARE OVERR 

I HAVE TWO MONTHS NOW

TWO MONTHS TO READ AND LISTEN TO THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES (and others, cause let's be honest I'll finish magnus archives within the week) TO WATCH MOVIES AND INDULGE IN MY HOBBIES 

Finished season 3 of The Magnus Archives 

This show is SO GOOD (says I about a show that constantly pulls at all the heartstrings ) 

I especially loved the Gerry Keay episode, I'm going as him to comic con!!!

I have finals and it's itching at me that I have to study before listening more 

cri

(Itching huh? Maybe I should be wary of The Corruption?)

Okayy another TMA one 

OH MY GOD MAG.80????? 

AHAHAHSJAHAHA

And now listening to Jon's past is Mag.81- a guest for mr spider is pulling at all the heart strings 

I'm getting quickly obsessed with this podcast and might frequent the Shard more just to be able talk to others who've been caught in this web 

Okay, first of all I was doing not so hot for a while there but things are admittedly better now. I'm able to cope 

But guess who was finally able to get into audio dramas! I listened to I am In Eskew, Malevolent

And now I'm on episode 64 of....you guessed it! 

The Magnus Archives 

Took a little long to get here, but im here! 

Jonathan Sims my beloved (the character, obviously)

And also, the thing that calls itself Micheal. Why do I love this absolutely unhinged creature again?

So...I'm applying to the New York Film Academy next year. As part of the admission requirements, I've got to make a 10 minute short film as part of my portfolio. After I finish the script, will any of you be willing to review it? I trust you guys to give me constructive criticism on pacing, structure, and whether it would be feasible to shoot for a bunch of students or not. 

Thanks

Hi guys! 

Seems i only communicate through status updates now. 

If I may update- I am really really happy with my life right now and the person I am becoming. I have good irl friends who i am very grateful for, 

I've been eating healthy and regularly and i even joined a gym! I have also been getting 8-9 hours of sleep per night. I've been journaling as regularly as I can and reading upwards of 1 or 2 books a week and watching an average of 2 movies a week. Which is great because it means I dont spend my energy in negative stuff anymore. I mean its hard but im trying and i seem to be mostly succeeding.

Plus, my grades are...you know what they are average and that is perfectly fine because they are still better than what they used to be and i can see the fruits of my efforts. 

I feel very happy. Because I'm learning and growing everyday. I'm learning how to deal with the bad times in a healthy way and to be kind to myself. I have a better relationship with myself and my parents. 

I am proud of myself and the direction my life is going in and I just know I couldnt have done it without you guys. 

Much love to all of you  

It's 30C 

I am wearing two sweaters 

I am still freezing

New Year's Resolutions 

• Cut out all the drama and toxicity 
• Focus on yourself 
• Focus on grades, on health, and on being a better friend overall 
• Focus more on your hobbies and develop them further 
• Read a 100 books 
• Watch 150 movies 
• Watch 20 shows 
• Less useless screen time (such as Pinterest, Instagram, etc)

An ode to my younger self

Yes, you've made a lot of mistakes. Yes, there are instances where you wish you had done better, people you should have known to stay away from. But its okay. Its part of the very human condition to make mistakes and you did great for a 17 year old. You did good. 

I'm not going to say that you couldn't have done better, because you could have. But that's how you live and that is how you learn. 

I choose to be kind to you. Because inspite of all the bad stuff that happened last year, there was so much good. Because you broke out of your shell, because you made actually good friends, because every time you fell, you always got up again. 

And I'm proud of us. 

Here's to a great 2024, everyone!

Happy new year!!

Merry Christmas folks!!

heyyyy

i have a request 

Pls fill this, its only 1 question 

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSefJrcnYQL42FOk88gxwNDYP54GsPRDpi2tNm81juu-y3-qPg/viewform?usp=sf_link

Heyyyy guys 

A little update 

Things have been going well 

Very very well 

I got into the college of my dreams and though there have been tough times I would not give this place up for the world. I have learnt so so much, had so many experiences. Some good and some bad but all of them have taught me something and I am very grateful for them 

I have good friends, I have broken free of the my mould. I am happy 

I am no longer as upset or lonely as I used to be and my mental health has improved leaps and bounds

But the reason I came here was to ask this 

I have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend and I'm pretty sure I'm in love 

And it's beautiful. It's what all the romance books talked about

But I'm scared he's gonna break my heart or I'm gonna do something stupid and it's gonna end 

And I don't know what to do

I look in the mirror and and I think 

i am beautiful 

i am beautiful for all my scars; i am beautiful for the broken in me. I am beautiful for all my efforts at healing.

I am beautiful with my dyed hair and my nose ring and my tattoos.

I am beautiful for my dark tastes and my moments of idiocracy. I am beautiful for my opinions and my writing and my passion. 

I am beautiful for my trauma. It does not make me any lesser and never will. 

And slowly, slowly there will come a day when i look back on it with indifference. Because i refuse to give it power over me; because i have a life and i will move on.

Its been a ride, ya'll. But this site...its a relic from my past; from a person I no longer am. I will forever cherish the friendships i have made here and i will be forver grateful for all the times you acted as a therapist and led me through all the confusion. 

Buy i also do not think being on here is good for my mental health anymore. You know I've gotta move on, into the real, big bad world. Gotta find my place in it. gotta make irl friendships and focus on the things in front of me. 

I don't think I'll on here too much, if at all. 

Thank you. I know i haven't always been the easiest person to talk to and ive been pretty indecisive. But i can surely say the two years here made me a better person.