Jump to content

leapfrog

Members
  • Posts

    30
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by leapfrog

  1. It does feel pretty slow... The two things that stick out in my mind at having happened are meeting R and talking (about something--not sure what exactly), and then Isr waking up. Tbh I wasn't super into the convo with R and Al, there was a lot of dialogue and I'm not sure what part of it is important going forward. Something about an engagement (Al is supposed to get married sometime, I'm assuming?), and the thing about the mom? Isr waking up was good, since she's kinda been absent for a fair bit of what I've read, and her knowing magic seems to be important. Al's thoughts on the bracelet/stones wasn't super interesting to me. I think the convo with R could be adjusted/trimmed, depending on what's important, as well as a bit of the start of the chapter (getting to R's place). The thing with Al's mom, I guess? That wasn't too clear to me Um.. I don't have very strong opinions on any of them. Al seems pretty likeable. R seems like the guy who took care of him as a kid, so I'm inclined to trust him. I'd agree that I'm not too clear on G's personality. Hopefully we get more of Isr's POV soon lol Probably the bit with Isr & fire was the most interesting. For whatever reason, I wonder if it has anything to do with the tournament we had previously (speaking of which--did we ever get a motive for the assassination attempt?) pg 1 - do we know R from somewhere and I've just forgotten? pg 2 - "moved into the rooms" -> not quite following what is going on with R pg 6 - lots of talk about his mother's work, but I'm not really sure what that is. Something to do with magic? Was this mentioned before and I've forgotten? Also the talk about oaths isn't super clear to me (R has one? Or Al--he wants to join R in continuing his mother's stuff, but can't right away because duties to Tr...?) pg 7 - check with healer abt the sleep stone? or for something else? pg 8 - Isr just woke up? Or has she been awake for a while? "Stable" just means that she's not, like, dying right pg 10 - Isr knowing magic is interesting
  2. I don't think so Mostly. I agree w the point about C not asking questions about V is a bit weird. Some of GM's points at the end felt a bit weird? Like it seemed like she kept going back and forth between her usual confidence and then, like, desperation. I feel like it might be smoother if she toned both down a little. I think in general this chapter is a bit slower than the last one -- a lot of things happened last time, but it feels like things have calmed down and I've lost a bit of the sense of tension pg 1 "own devices for the evening": oh dear... I'm a bit worried pg 3 - I thought C was gonna start calling them like "not-mother" or whatever lol pg 4 abt V: so the parents knew! a life was sacrificed to make V? Am I understanding this correctly? And C isn't commenting on that? "Give regards to.." -> ??? I thought she left him and the AH, why would she give him her father's regards pg 5 "T just stares at C": this is so sad pg 7 on GM needing to be the "monster": I didn't quite get this. Why does she need to be the monster? pg 8 room tilting - did something happen? is GM OK? pg 9 the two paragraphs with GM going "Finally," and the one where she goes "Wait! You need me!" -> these were the bits I was talking abt in question 2 and how I thought it was a bit awkward, or that she was going a bit over the top or something pg 11 T asking how long C will stay - didn't quite get why T was asking that, though it gives me this sad and ominous sense
  3. Oops I didn't see this -- I haven't read the 4k one yet (was gonna do it today, have had a busy start of the week lol), do you want me to crit that or something else?
  4. Confusing: The energy thing, I guess. And also when the T interlude took place. Also what happened with T messing up her sacrifice, but I assume we'll get more on that later. Nothing was particularly boring I think so yep I think we could get more of an explanation on the difference between intelligence and insight for T's sacrifice, otherwise it makes sense. I liked that she was proud of coming up with the answer. I thought that was a good decision C made, turning down the AH. I'm excited to see where it'll go Would she not be able to return to the AH ever again? It seemed very final. Is it because they're worried C will do something terrible since she can't/won't ever sacrifice anything? I didn't make very comments as I went through reading, but I thought the end of 12 was very ominous and I liked that. Also, not sure if I'm getting this right, but it seems like the C people are supposed to be the only ashen sentient things? But then there's V? (And MD, too, I guess.) Is that common? (Are they why C might not be able to return to the AH?)
  5. late but yeah, I got it being G's request. I didn't quite realize Al was there to make things seem more credible, but it seems pretty obvious in hindsight now lol
  6. I didn't end up commenting on your sub last week because time, but I did feel like the start of this chapter was a bit abrupt. When the Judge appeared in this chapter, I assumed it was from Al & his servant, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe quickly summarize/make it more clear at the end of last chapter or the start of this one what they did in the night? Bc his servant fell asleep, but I don't know what he was doing all this time. Unless that's intentional, in which case nvm. You could also maybe move the part about knock on door at dawn to the very start. Yep I put it in the line by lines Thoughts on the characters as presented up to this point? I like Al's attachment to his.. (what is T again? lol) where he's from & his parents. I think that's an interesting motivation. I think his servant is nice, he seems like a nice guy and seems to like Al enough. I don't really have much of an opinion on the other characters. I hope the princess wakes soon...? I thought the ending was good! The whole thing with the Judge was interesting, if a bit confusing. Al's narration around the convo with the king def made it seem tense! pg 1 stone ran out - what was he doing that resulted in that? the Judge thing? pg 2 needs to find stone - can he not sleep without it? did something happen to his? servant telling him to meet the king -> is this the same servant as before? pg 4 first line - did Al previously meet the king for economics-type (or other) meetings? did there used to be recurring meetings with the king? pg 5 - wait so Tr didn't talk to the Judge? Someone else called them/took the initiative away from Al? -> ah, it was G? G told the king he wanted to? then why does Al have to do it/be involved? something about the whole ritual isn't fitting together for me.
  7. I think the start was a little slow, with GM trying to figure out what to do. It might be because I've forgotten stuff, but some of the info at the confrontation and onwards had me confused. I was surprised at GM's reveal, and I'm not quite sure why she did that. Also, why are they trying to get rid of C? Just because she's asking questions and the other youth are uncomfortable? Seems a bit drastic lol. Also, wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell C stuff (or enough stuff, if not everything) to have her not "dredge up such unpleasantness"? I did like seeing them interact before getting caught by the adults, though! Their dynamic is kinda fun. Yeah, I like that we're getting new info, but like I said I'm a little confused. I agree that the ending could be a bit more impactful with the reveal! pg 1 - "making her blink..." this bit at the start felt a bit weird to me, because it's not really happening lol pg 2 - just realized GM's name is from her parents LOL pg 3 - all this emphasis on the 'before' is really making me wonder how long ago 'before' is? At some points it seems like it was a long time ago, and others it seems a lot more recent pg 4 - no comment from C about V being from the WS? I forgot C fed feathers lol but I thought in V's introduction, he said he was from outside of the town (and that C to some degree believed him). What does she mean by "Is he another [of V]?" I guess in general I'm still confused about what V is. pg 6 - I liked C remarking on how she knew all these people. Also, might be forgetting things again, but the "burning ideas" seems new to me lol pg 7 - "incandescent rage" lol nice I liked this In general C-tine seems very mysterious, and I'm interested to see how he fits into everything.
  8. I think it's better - I think it's a lot more concise, and I like the addition of the town meeting here. Seems like it's important and having some lead-up is good...! Although we'll have to see whether she goes lol. Not for me Yep! I mean, we still don't know what's up with T, but that's supposed to be still in the dark, so. I wonder if we'll get more from GM on why she reached out to C? I can't imagine that was an easy decision for her. I still really like her, lol. She's probably my fav character pg 3 - the part about learning manipulation and whatnot in school made me laugh pg 4 - oh, so D did introduce the two of them to the WS (whatever that means) pg 5 - "cross-purposes" ngl I don't think I've ever heard that before lol pg 6 - C and GM are gonna work together?! super excited to see how that'll go through, haha. also "given up completely" is interesting... given up on what exactly? their future? pg 7/8 on C's energy - ok wait so is the energy from the people in the town maybe? ex if they’re pent up then C is too or something.... that could kinda complicated wrt C's individuality, but I feel like her energy has gotta be connected to the town or the WS or something. maybe a select number of people from the town (her generation)? I think I'm getting this impression from the description on the three other kids being really out of it (GM being super tired, E wobbly, T sort of quiet), and from prev. ideas of C being some kind of embodiment of the town :thinking:
  9. I really enjoyed this chapter!! It felt like things were starting to pick up, and I particularly enjoyed GM's inner thought process about E and T being inducted to the stove... that's progress right :0 I guess whatever T took from the airplane-house must have been what set T off? Because other it being from the stove, there's nothing particularly off about it, so while going there seems like an important step, it didn't really seem very conclusive. And about characterization, I think I was a bit thrown off by C being embarrassed? I didn't think she was particularly embarrassed from the marks trick... pg 2 - E isn't commenting about how it's bad to break into a barn or something? Like there was a bit of a "why can't you talk to T" but I figured there'd be some more... "maybe breaking into someone else's property could have negative consequences if you get caught and maybe have a backup plan" or something lol. The "chance with T" thing was funny tho lmao I wasn't expecting that pg 3 - isn't the current generation like four people? I wouldn't really have expected E and T to not be the first set of dates. Also I was worried about an hour not being enough "Mayor's son" -> oh? seems important? pg 4 - "two children to the WS" :00 digging this vibe, I'm really interested in what introducing them means. Also around here I was thinking if GM and C would somehow team up? Eventually? pg 8 "trick" -> the embarrassment thing I mentioned earlier pg 10 - love the bit on popularity pg 11 - "saying things that are true" -> what’s true? I don’t buy that she believes GM should be popular—C believes that pushing the MD on E isn’t fair? I liked seeing C realize and stand up to GM though!
  10. Umm at the start I didn't know who she was so I was surprised. I couldn't really tell what was going on either at the start, why we needed her POV specifically. I don't really have any particular thoughts on her as a character. Hm... I guess? But I was mostly just thrown off at the start by not knowing who Ali was. No, I don't really know her goals/motivations. She's attached to her family, I guess? She does seem to have some sort of independence or agency so I wouldn't necessarily say she's being trampled on, but other than her also being royalty, I'm not too sure what her role in the story is/how she's attached to the plot. Well, I guess she'll find out something important and become useful that way In general, though, I normally really like complicated family dynamics and this seems to have that, but I was a bit confused @ the end of the chapter, which kinda detracted from that. pg 1 - abt the note -> originally thought that was used to notify Ali about Is' situation, which after reading all of it I realize isn't true pg 4 - interesting that the position of cousin doesn't seem to mean much? pg 5 - got a bit confused at the positioning/sequence of events here... S followed Ali when she was going to find Is? Was that it? How did S know about what happened to Ali before Is if she was guarding Ali the whole time? pg 7 - I feel like a family tree or something would really help LOL that and like char. ages maybe pg 9 "larger powers at play" - lmaooo that's such an annoying king line. not liking him very much lol pg 12 "Did you know?" -> wasn't sure what this was referring to. the other country issue? or something else? kinda lost
  11. Nah, I think it general these chapters are just a little bit less tense or eventful than the previous ones. Some of the scenes (like w V and MD) are pretty short too so it doesn't seem like much happens. There were a few parts where I was confused, but I'll get to that I don't get what you mean by this haha The fire tenders thing was new, but nothing else was really surprising or anything. It didn't come out of nowhere. I think I'm most interested in the 'sacrifices' thing that GM mentioned earlier and what specifically the adults have to do with the WS. And I guess at what point the children become adults/included in what's going on (I think that has something to do with C, but idk). pg 1 "sad" -> weddings are sad? Mrs. F sounds like a super annoying teacher. the sentence w "routines of school" kinda felt a bit off to me pg 2 - I feel like the thing w E is going to backfire on C and she'll lose her last friend lol pg 5 - I'm a bit confused as to why C is realizing that the week was a waste now? Why did she realize that now? Like I'm not quite following her thought process; I mean, I get that it was, but I didn't think she was there yet...? Also a similar thing w the trust bit later... though that might've been mentioned before and I'm just forgetting pg 6 "anxiety" hmm that seems important pg 7 - I didn't really get the point of MD's POV or what happened there pg 10 "not very long" -> I don't think I'm right, but... is V from the WS? Also in general, kinda the same thing as the bit with MD, I'm not sure what this was for. The village is a perfect circle? The WS is in the centre of the village? (Also, if that's a new development, shouldn't C already have known that her house is in the middle of the village? Why did we need V to find that out?)
  12. Whether or not this accomplishes some of the things that people were noticing in Chapter 2 in regard to various characters’ motivations. Al’s jumping in to help (does it seem like combining 2 and 3 would clarify his goals and motivations). The healer trying to put him to sleep. Umm I don't think my opinion changed in any big manner. It does seem like Al cares a lot more about the princess, specifically, than I had previously assumed. I'm gonna be honest I'm lost on most of the names (I think in the politics section we got a bunch of new ones, and I'm normally pretty bad with character names lol) and Al's parents' backstory I didn't quite get (they died... something to do with being mages?) but on the surface level it was OK to follow along -- just if you asked me serious questions, though, idk if I'd be able to answer that well lol. The law restricting mage use seems pretty straightforward, and that seemed to be the focus of the chapter. Hmm it did feel a bit long towards the end, but I'm not quite sure how or where you'd cut it down. I'd agree with the prev. comment about lacking oomph -- it did feel a bit like a transitory chapter imo. I think maybe you could make the reason why Al is so shaken clearer too? I'm guessing it has to do with the being scared of the king, but I'm not sure if that's right. pg 2 - I'm a little confused as to why the king seems to hate Al so much? Or why he's being so quiet about it if he is pg 4 - the explanation for why the healer wanted him out (grief) makes sense, I'd agree with not being sure why the sleeping spell was necessary tho. Also originally thought the bro & the cousin (?) from last chapters were the same -- the 'invalid' thing seems kinda familiar? Was R described with something along those lines too? pg 4 - requesting the bro & his healer -> i mean imo asking for both makes sense? one healer cant do it? ok lets get another. and if your sibling is like injured letting you know is nice right lol. also is the current healer not a royal one? I might've missed/forgotten that, but the phrasing threw me off a bit. ""Your Grace." She'd" ... was Al saying that? pg 7 "twisted his stomach": very love interest vibes here lol. like he doesn't really know the princess, right pg 8 - so I thought the bro was kept by the borders bc he was an 'invalid'? it sounds like talking to him/bringing him to heal the princess would be super easy, but he'd be far away right? Also if the bro is far, then his healer would presumably be with the bro and not in the palace...? also sounds like Al's used to having panic attacks pg 9 - T sounds like a nice guy. I like him. pg ~11-13 - here was where i started getting lost w the names lol (also the king has a brother?)
  13. I think it's better! I was still a bit thrown off by the ending, but I'll comment on that later Worked pretty well for me! I really liked the MD POV! I think starting his section w the simple sentences really set the tone, which was good Yeah - partway through I went 'oh, right, there was that convo with the other guy about trusting/not trusting C' which made me realize where T is coming from. I wasn't super clear on E and T's personalities before, but being like, middle school kids or whatever, the convo is pretty believable pg 1 "she's lying about the grades": just to be clear: lying about the grades being useful to C? pg 2 - i liked C's introspection/reflection, i thought that worked well last line on that page: still implies that doing well at school = learning abt the WS? the line felt a bit out of nowhere. is she ignoring V's advice? pg 3 - will MD's POV be recurring, or is this a one-time thing? pg 4 "cradles" - made me think 'four children??' along the lines of C having, like, dead siblings or something. pg 5 "protect her dog from her mother": what is C thinking her mother will do? why is her mother so mad? imo it feels like the mom is mad about more than just having her room cleaned for her :thinking: "congealed grey fluff": briefly made me think that MD was no longer a MD, something about the mom reverting him because he got kicked out The last line of the chapter was pretty funny to me lol. Overall, I've got a lot of questions and it doesn't seem like C is making a lot of progress in answering them. It's not too confusing that I can't follow along, and I think the story is still really fun, but I can't quite tell where exactly the story is going.
  14. lol yeah me neither (unless you count annoyance maybe? though that was always more at specific people than alloromantic people in general) but I didn't really want D to go down the "what's wrong with me?" route Good points, thank you! Re: the ending, do you think it'd help if D liked B more as a person? Like not romantically, but if I showed that they got along more (rather than just mentioning it). I mean, it's supposed to be sad or uncomfortable, because she is giving into what her father/society expects of her, but I was also trying to go for the angle of D trying to find a compromise between what's important to her
  15. Hmm yeah I don't think I remembered G's line about keeping oaths, or at least didn't mark it as important, so bringing it up again might be useful. And specifying that it's like a specific oath to the king or otherwise somehow different might be good to emphasize why Al can trust these people with this oath.
  16. Hmm I thought the storage room moment was interesting, and I loved GM's POV section (especially the line about burning/burning brightly!) before the phone call. In general, I'm enjoying the humour -- like the names, I think they're really cute and fun. And the line about V staring at the room -- I liked that! I didn't think the homework part was necessarily boring or annoying, but I was under the impression that GM was lying about grades giving you marks as a whole, so I wasn't too sure about where that's supposed to go. Setup for more curse information, maybe? And the phone call seemed a bit... sugary lol so it wasn't really for me. Noooo don't tone her down -- I loved this GM!! Was a highlight of the chapter for me lol. pg 1 finding dog food: the dog that died didn't need dog food (from this guy)...? pg 3 "have free run of the house": for some reason, this part about the clean house and Mopdog's effects gives me a very ominous feeling. pg 5 not remembering the dog that died - has the memory been collectively wiped from the town? That might explain the shopkeeper guy not knowing where dog food was :thinking: pg ~6: GM's personality here is great, I love it, but I've got some questions. Why was GM taken to feed the Wood Stove (makes it sound like it wasn't her choice; her parents told her to do that)? Why now? Why feed it? What does "lose herself" mean? Is that like a coming-of-age 'ritual'; is that why C's dad is round, etc.? And C being 'vibrant and whole' kinda contradicts what the teacher said earlier about not relying on C imo -- GM makes it sound like C will thrive where the rest of the town won't, but I was under the impression that C was going to disappear or something lol. I expect some of these qs will be answered later but that's what I'm thinking about pg 9 "C will not succeed": is she laughing because the homework thing is fake (C won't find out the truth by doing well in school) or because GM is confident C won't ever get high enough marks?
  17. Did I forget something about vampires and wood...? What weapon would be from a wooden chair...? Sorry, what did you mean by that? Oh interesting... in an earlier draft of this I had D as being unique by being birthed -- I got rid of that because I couldn't quite make sense of it and it didn't go anywhere, lol. Plus I was worried her aromanticism/asexuality could be attributed to that 'uniqueness' rather than it just being a her thing. Thank you for your notes!!
  18. If it's not too late, would it be possible for you to send me chapters 2 & 3?
  19. Thank you all for your feedback!! Looks like I've a lot to think about By this, do you mean like more reflection on why D turned B? I was trying to go for D being aro -- did that come across any? Thanks for those questions -- I hadn't considered these at all (oops?). Could you expand on where you got the brainwashing thing from, or was it the premise itself? (I wasn't trying to expand much on B because I didn't really think his relationship to D was important wrt her conflict... but maybe that's where it came from?) Also yes please on the worldbuilding mechanics/vampires -- I know next to nothing about biology, so your notes were pretty interesting since I was just about handwaving everything, haha What implications are those? That it's unclean....? Also could you expand a bit on what about it was abrupt? Thanks for your comments on the beginning -- I was worried there was a bit of a tone shift or that it didn't fit, which seems to be the case.
  20. Personality-wise, he seems pretty nice, or at least caring? As for goals, it seems to me that he's worried about the state of where he's from and its relations and presumably wants to smooth things over to some degree (guessing by when G swore at him). I didn't notice anything particularly confusing that should've been established in chapter 1. I was a bit confused at the guard situation here and who Al could trust, but I'll get into that more in the play-by-play I think the stone setup is very cool! And I liked how it tied into law and politics and all that with magistrate mention. I'm interested to see what being a mage means, as I'm assuming using a magic stone isn't enough to make someone a mage. Also, I'm assuming anyone can use a stone? Generally, the magic setup here seems to be pretty straightforward to me. pg 1 - I was expecting Is' POV right off the bat, so I had to read ahead a bit to see who we were reading from. Might help if his name was dropped a bit earlier. Also last chapter I think I was suspecting the duke poisoned her! So I was surprised to see that it wasn't him. pg 2 - re: the part about her facing off other people -- for some reason, I had also assumed that Is was sort of a 'seeded' participant of the tournament, and didn't realize how many people/if she fought people before R. Maybe some clarification before this would be good. pg 3 "This way" -- I had to reread a few times to figure out what Al was doing and why he was suddenly taking charge. Also at "The man's jaw clenched..." I thought that was kind of weird. I'm not too sure why Al trusts this guard, since he doesn't seem to trust the royal healers and so on... but more than that, does the guard know about the poison, or has he guessed? If a guard of the royal palace is asked if it's safe for the royal family, I feel like it's kind of weird if he just doesn't say anything. pg ~5 - when Al was asked if he was OK and he said no -- what was wrong with him? Was he panicking, or something else? pg 6 - I was concerned when Al was wondering if G was trustworthy! Was happy to find out that he didn't seem to be, but you had me worried there. pg 8 - when he says, "You're with the guard," I was confused -- was this the same guard as before that he thought he could trust? Why did Al think he was with that guard in particular? Or does he mean like the royal guard in general? Also "bloodied guard" later that page -- who? The one who got the healer? Why's he bloodied? Or is it T's perspective thinking of G? And on pg 9 -- Al is assuming all royal guards are safe to trust? But he didn't trust the healers or the tournament officials? I get that he's unsure of who to trust, but it mostly just made me confused lol. pg 11 on revealing knowledge -- I liked this part! I thought this was interesting, and I'd like to know more about what being a K mage means (or being from K?) and how being the son of one affects Al. pg 12 "where'd he planned to go once..." - I think I missed this part, but I couldn't find it. Where was the guard planning to go? Also, why was it important that Al not be there when the king came? Because he'd blame Al? (Why does the healer care about that?) I'm getting the sense that the king is not a very nice/positive guy, lol.
  21. In general, I'd like some opinions on general flow and consistency (does everything make sense/fit together?), and on the ending and whether or not the story feels complete. Some thoughts on the characters would also be great -- does the dialogue feel natural or do the characters' voices sound distinct? Do you like them? This is a short story I've got to hand in soon, so I'm open to just about any critique!
  22. Hm... I like her character, I think she has an interesting personality, but I'm not really sure where this is head or what her motivations are. Definitely family-oriented, I guess? And I liked R's character, I thought he was pretty interesting from the introduction. I didn't really feel like it was dragging anywhere in particular, so no? Is it clear that something significant is wrong in the events following the match? If so, when does that click, and does it need to be clearer/earlier? Yes I got that something was wrong! I didn't think too much of the weird armour smell, which is when I'm assuming the poison happened by reading these comments lol, but definitely during the fights. Like hearing Duke A won when he shouldn't have was I guess the start of feeling that something went wrong. And I like the fight between I and R; there was this frantic sort of feeling that I liked and really made it seem like something was wrong or at least out of the norm. I kind of doubted what was happening during the convo with G, but then once she was tired I was worried again. I don't have a lot of specific line comments, but anyway: pg 2 "squinting at sun-glare on tournament...": I had originally thought the two characters were going to participating in the tournament, but this part kind of made me doubt that and wonder if they're just watching. Also on this page I was bit thrown off by the introduction of I's second nickname - since her first preceded that, it took me a moment to figure out where it came from lol. Also R uses both nicknames for her? pg 5: was excited that she was gonna fight! pg 11 "losing an arm": is that foreshadowing? :eyes: I think I clocked in on the being poisoned at around "Why was she so tired?"
  23. I mean, ultimately, it's up to you if that's something you want to explore in the story/setting - just like any other racism presented in other fantasy works, if it's to a degree that a reader can't handle then they just.. won't read it lol. I guess just if there's a direction to it, that's all. But those are my 2 cents Ohh yeah, not fitting in either space is pretty common too, I feel you on that.
×
×
  • Create New...