leapfrog

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25 Pahn Kahl

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  1. It does feel pretty slow... The two things that stick out in my mind at having happened are meeting R and talking (about something--not sure what exactly), and then Isr waking up. Tbh I wasn't super into the convo with R and Al, there was a lot of dialogue and I'm not sure what part of it is important going forward. Something about an engagement (Al is supposed to get married sometime, I'm assuming?), and the thing about the mom? Isr waking up was good, since she's kinda been absent for a fair bit of what I've read, and her knowing magic seems to be important. Al's thoughts on the bracelet/stones wasn't super interesting to me. I think the convo with R could be adjusted/trimmed, depending on what's important, as well as a bit of the start of the chapter (getting to R's place). The thing with Al's mom, I guess? That wasn't too clear to me Um.. I don't have very strong opinions on any of them. Al seems pretty likeable. R seems like the guy who took care of him as a kid, so I'm inclined to trust him. I'd agree that I'm not too clear on G's personality. Hopefully we get more of Isr's POV soon lol Probably the bit with Isr & fire was the most interesting. For whatever reason, I wonder if it has anything to do with the tournament we had previously (speaking of which--did we ever get a motive for the assassination attempt?) pg 1 - do we know R from somewhere and I've just forgotten? pg 2 - "moved into the rooms" -> not quite following what is going on with R pg 6 - lots of talk about his mother's work, but I'm not really sure what that is. Something to do with magic? Was this mentioned before and I've forgotten? Also the talk about oaths isn't super clear to me (R has one? Or Al--he wants to join R in continuing his mother's stuff, but can't right away because duties to Tr...?) pg 7 - check with healer abt the sleep stone? or for something else? pg 8 - Isr just woke up? Or has she been awake for a while? "Stable" just means that she's not, like, dying right pg 10 - Isr knowing magic is interesting
  2. I don't think so Mostly. I agree w the point about C not asking questions about V is a bit weird. Some of GM's points at the end felt a bit weird? Like it seemed like she kept going back and forth between her usual confidence and then, like, desperation. I feel like it might be smoother if she toned both down a little. I think in general this chapter is a bit slower than the last one -- a lot of things happened last time, but it feels like things have calmed down and I've lost a bit of the sense of tension pg 1 "own devices for the evening": oh dear... I'm a bit worried pg 3 - I thought C was gonna start calling them like "not-mother" or whatever lol pg 4 abt V: so the parents knew! a life was sacrificed to make V? Am I understanding this correctly? And C isn't commenting on that? "Give regards to.." -> ??? I thought she left him and the AH, why would she give him her father's regards pg 5 "T just stares at C": this is so sad pg 7 on GM needing to be the "monster": I didn't quite get this. Why does she need to be the monster? pg 8 room tilting - did something happen? is GM OK? pg 9 the two paragraphs with GM going "Finally," and the one where she goes "Wait! You need me!" -> these were the bits I was talking abt in question 2 and how I thought it was a bit awkward, or that she was going a bit over the top or something pg 11 T asking how long C will stay - didn't quite get why T was asking that, though it gives me this sad and ominous sense
  3. Oops I didn't see this -- I haven't read the 4k one yet (was gonna do it today, have had a busy start of the week lol), do you want me to crit that or something else?
  4. Confusing: The energy thing, I guess. And also when the T interlude took place. Also what happened with T messing up her sacrifice, but I assume we'll get more on that later. Nothing was particularly boring I think so yep I think we could get more of an explanation on the difference between intelligence and insight for T's sacrifice, otherwise it makes sense. I liked that she was proud of coming up with the answer. I thought that was a good decision C made, turning down the AH. I'm excited to see where it'll go Would she not be able to return to the AH ever again? It seemed very final. Is it because they're worried C will do something terrible since she can't/won't ever sacrifice anything? I didn't make very comments as I went through reading, but I thought the end of 12 was very ominous and I liked that. Also, not sure if I'm getting this right, but it seems like the C people are supposed to be the only ashen sentient things? But then there's V? (And MD, too, I guess.) Is that common? (Are they why C might not be able to return to the AH?)
  5. late but yeah, I got it being G's request. I didn't quite realize Al was there to make things seem more credible, but it seems pretty obvious in hindsight now lol
  6. I didn't end up commenting on your sub last week because time, but I did feel like the start of this chapter was a bit abrupt. When the Judge appeared in this chapter, I assumed it was from Al & his servant, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe quickly summarize/make it more clear at the end of last chapter or the start of this one what they did in the night? Bc his servant fell asleep, but I don't know what he was doing all this time. Unless that's intentional, in which case nvm. You could also maybe move the part about knock on door at dawn to the very start. Yep I put it in the line by lines Thoughts on the characters as presented up to this point? I like Al's attachment to his.. (what is T again? lol) where he's from & his parents. I think that's an interesting motivation. I think his servant is nice, he seems like a nice guy and seems to like Al enough. I don't really have much of an opinion on the other characters. I hope the princess wakes soon...? I thought the ending was good! The whole thing with the Judge was interesting, if a bit confusing. Al's narration around the convo with the king def made it seem tense! pg 1 stone ran out - what was he doing that resulted in that? the Judge thing? pg 2 needs to find stone - can he not sleep without it? did something happen to his? servant telling him to meet the king -> is this the same servant as before? pg 4 first line - did Al previously meet the king for economics-type (or other) meetings? did there used to be recurring meetings with the king? pg 5 - wait so Tr didn't talk to the Judge? Someone else called them/took the initiative away from Al? -> ah, it was G? G told the king he wanted to? then why does Al have to do it/be involved? something about the whole ritual isn't fitting together for me.
  7. I think the start was a little slow, with GM trying to figure out what to do. It might be because I've forgotten stuff, but some of the info at the confrontation and onwards had me confused. I was surprised at GM's reveal, and I'm not quite sure why she did that. Also, why are they trying to get rid of C? Just because she's asking questions and the other youth are uncomfortable? Seems a bit drastic lol. Also, wouldn't it have made more sense to just tell C stuff (or enough stuff, if not everything) to have her not "dredge up such unpleasantness"? I did like seeing them interact before getting caught by the adults, though! Their dynamic is kinda fun. Yeah, I like that we're getting new info, but like I said I'm a little confused. I agree that the ending could be a bit more impactful with the reveal! pg 1 - "making her blink..." this bit at the start felt a bit weird to me, because it's not really happening lol pg 2 - just realized GM's name is from her parents LOL pg 3 - all this emphasis on the 'before' is really making me wonder how long ago 'before' is? At some points it seems like it was a long time ago, and others it seems a lot more recent pg 4 - no comment from C about V being from the WS? I forgot C fed feathers lol but I thought in V's introduction, he said he was from outside of the town (and that C to some degree believed him). What does she mean by "Is he another [of V]?" I guess in general I'm still confused about what V is. pg 6 - I liked C remarking on how she knew all these people. Also, might be forgetting things again, but the "burning ideas" seems new to me lol pg 7 - "incandescent rage" lol nice I liked this In general C-tine seems very mysterious, and I'm interested to see how he fits into everything.
  8. I think it's better - I think it's a lot more concise, and I like the addition of the town meeting here. Seems like it's important and having some lead-up is good...! Although we'll have to see whether she goes lol. Not for me Yep! I mean, we still don't know what's up with T, but that's supposed to be still in the dark, so. I wonder if we'll get more from GM on why she reached out to C? I can't imagine that was an easy decision for her. I still really like her, lol. She's probably my fav character pg 3 - the part about learning manipulation and whatnot in school made me laugh pg 4 - oh, so D did introduce the two of them to the WS (whatever that means) pg 5 - "cross-purposes" ngl I don't think I've ever heard that before lol pg 6 - C and GM are gonna work together?! super excited to see how that'll go through, haha. also "given up completely" is interesting... given up on what exactly? their future? pg 7/8 on C's energy - ok wait so is the energy from the people in the town maybe? ex if they’re pent up then C is too or something.... that could kinda complicated wrt C's individuality, but I feel like her energy has gotta be connected to the town or the WS or something. maybe a select number of people from the town (her generation)? I think I'm getting this impression from the description on the three other kids being really out of it (GM being super tired, E wobbly, T sort of quiet), and from prev. ideas of C being some kind of embodiment of the town :thinking:
  9. I really enjoyed this chapter!! It felt like things were starting to pick up, and I particularly enjoyed GM's inner thought process about E and T being inducted to the stove... that's progress right :0 I guess whatever T took from the airplane-house must have been what set T off? Because other it being from the stove, there's nothing particularly off about it, so while going there seems like an important step, it didn't really seem very conclusive. And about characterization, I think I was a bit thrown off by C being embarrassed? I didn't think she was particularly embarrassed from the marks trick... pg 2 - E isn't commenting about how it's bad to break into a barn or something? Like there was a bit of a "why can't you talk to T" but I figured there'd be some more... "maybe breaking into someone else's property could have negative consequences if you get caught and maybe have a backup plan" or something lol. The "chance with T" thing was funny tho lmao I wasn't expecting that pg 3 - isn't the current generation like four people? I wouldn't really have expected E and T to not be the first set of dates. Also I was worried about an hour not being enough "Mayor's son" -> oh? seems important? pg 4 - "two children to the WS" :00 digging this vibe, I'm really interested in what introducing them means. Also around here I was thinking if GM and C would somehow team up? Eventually? pg 8 "trick" -> the embarrassment thing I mentioned earlier pg 10 - love the bit on popularity pg 11 - "saying things that are true" -> what’s true? I don’t buy that she believes GM should be popular—C believes that pushing the MD on E isn’t fair? I liked seeing C realize and stand up to GM though!
  10. Umm at the start I didn't know who she was so I was surprised. I couldn't really tell what was going on either at the start, why we needed her POV specifically. I don't really have any particular thoughts on her as a character. Hm... I guess? But I was mostly just thrown off at the start by not knowing who Ali was. No, I don't really know her goals/motivations. She's attached to her family, I guess? She does seem to have some sort of independence or agency so I wouldn't necessarily say she's being trampled on, but other than her also being royalty, I'm not too sure what her role in the story is/how she's attached to the plot. Well, I guess she'll find out something important and become useful that way In general, though, I normally really like complicated family dynamics and this seems to have that, but I was a bit confused @ the end of the chapter, which kinda detracted from that. pg 1 - abt the note -> originally thought that was used to notify Ali about Is' situation, which after reading all of it I realize isn't true pg 4 - interesting that the position of cousin doesn't seem to mean much? pg 5 - got a bit confused at the positioning/sequence of events here... S followed Ali when she was going to find Is? Was that it? How did S know about what happened to Ali before Is if she was guarding Ali the whole time? pg 7 - I feel like a family tree or something would really help LOL that and like char. ages maybe pg 9 "larger powers at play" - lmaooo that's such an annoying king line. not liking him very much lol pg 12 "Did you know?" -> wasn't sure what this was referring to. the other country issue? or something else? kinda lost
  11. Nah, I think it general these chapters are just a little bit less tense or eventful than the previous ones. Some of the scenes (like w V and MD) are pretty short too so it doesn't seem like much happens. There were a few parts where I was confused, but I'll get to that I don't get what you mean by this haha The fire tenders thing was new, but nothing else was really surprising or anything. It didn't come out of nowhere. I think I'm most interested in the 'sacrifices' thing that GM mentioned earlier and what specifically the adults have to do with the WS. And I guess at what point the children become adults/included in what's going on (I think that has something to do with C, but idk). pg 1 "sad" -> weddings are sad? Mrs. F sounds like a super annoying teacher. the sentence w "routines of school" kinda felt a bit off to me pg 2 - I feel like the thing w E is going to backfire on C and she'll lose her last friend lol pg 5 - I'm a bit confused as to why C is realizing that the week was a waste now? Why did she realize that now? Like I'm not quite following her thought process; I mean, I get that it was, but I didn't think she was there yet...? Also a similar thing w the trust bit later... though that might've been mentioned before and I'm just forgetting pg 6 "anxiety" hmm that seems important pg 7 - I didn't really get the point of MD's POV or what happened there pg 10 "not very long" -> I don't think I'm right, but... is V from the WS? Also in general, kinda the same thing as the bit with MD, I'm not sure what this was for. The village is a perfect circle? The WS is in the centre of the village? (Also, if that's a new development, shouldn't C already have known that her house is in the middle of the village? Why did we need V to find that out?)
  12. Would you mind sending me the previous chapters?
  13. Whether or not this accomplishes some of the things that people were noticing in Chapter 2 in regard to various characters’ motivations. Al’s jumping in to help (does it seem like combining 2 and 3 would clarify his goals and motivations). The healer trying to put him to sleep. Umm I don't think my opinion changed in any big manner. It does seem like Al cares a lot more about the princess, specifically, than I had previously assumed. I'm gonna be honest I'm lost on most of the names (I think in the politics section we got a bunch of new ones, and I'm normally pretty bad with character names lol) and Al's parents' backstory I didn't quite get (they died... something to do with being mages?) but on the surface level it was OK to follow along -- just if you asked me serious questions, though, idk if I'd be able to answer that well lol. The law restricting mage use seems pretty straightforward, and that seemed to be the focus of the chapter. Hmm it did feel a bit long towards the end, but I'm not quite sure how or where you'd cut it down. I'd agree with the prev. comment about lacking oomph -- it did feel a bit like a transitory chapter imo. I think maybe you could make the reason why Al is so shaken clearer too? I'm guessing it has to do with the being scared of the king, but I'm not sure if that's right. pg 2 - I'm a little confused as to why the king seems to hate Al so much? Or why he's being so quiet about it if he is pg 4 - the explanation for why the healer wanted him out (grief) makes sense, I'd agree with not being sure why the sleeping spell was necessary tho. Also originally thought the bro & the cousin (?) from last chapters were the same -- the 'invalid' thing seems kinda familiar? Was R described with something along those lines too? pg 4 - requesting the bro & his healer -> i mean imo asking for both makes sense? one healer cant do it? ok lets get another. and if your sibling is like injured letting you know is nice right lol. also is the current healer not a royal one? I might've missed/forgotten that, but the phrasing threw me off a bit. ""Your Grace." She'd" ... was Al saying that? pg 7 "twisted his stomach": very love interest vibes here lol. like he doesn't really know the princess, right pg 8 - so I thought the bro was kept by the borders bc he was an 'invalid'? it sounds like talking to him/bringing him to heal the princess would be super easy, but he'd be far away right? Also if the bro is far, then his healer would presumably be with the bro and not in the palace...? also sounds like Al's used to having panic attacks pg 9 - T sounds like a nice guy. I like him. pg ~11-13 - here was where i started getting lost w the names lol (also the king has a brother?)
  14. I think it's better! I was still a bit thrown off by the ending, but I'll comment on that later Worked pretty well for me! I really liked the MD POV! I think starting his section w the simple sentences really set the tone, which was good Yeah - partway through I went 'oh, right, there was that convo with the other guy about trusting/not trusting C' which made me realize where T is coming from. I wasn't super clear on E and T's personalities before, but being like, middle school kids or whatever, the convo is pretty believable pg 1 "she's lying about the grades": just to be clear: lying about the grades being useful to C? pg 2 - i liked C's introspection/reflection, i thought that worked well last line on that page: still implies that doing well at school = learning abt the WS? the line felt a bit out of nowhere. is she ignoring V's advice? pg 3 - will MD's POV be recurring, or is this a one-time thing? pg 4 "cradles" - made me think 'four children??' along the lines of C having, like, dead siblings or something. pg 5 "protect her dog from her mother": what is C thinking her mother will do? why is her mother so mad? imo it feels like the mom is mad about more than just having her room cleaned for her :thinking: "congealed grey fluff": briefly made me think that MD was no longer a MD, something about the mom reverting him because he got kicked out The last line of the chapter was pretty funny to me lol. Overall, I've got a lot of questions and it doesn't seem like C is making a lot of progress in answering them. It's not too confusing that I can't follow along, and I think the story is still really fun, but I can't quite tell where exactly the story is going.
  15. lol yeah me neither (unless you count annoyance maybe? though that was always more at specific people than alloromantic people in general) but I didn't really want D to go down the "what's wrong with me?" route Good points, thank you! Re: the ending, do you think it'd help if D liked B more as a person? Like not romantically, but if I showed that they got along more (rather than just mentioning it). I mean, it's supposed to be sad or uncomfortable, because she is giving into what her father/society expects of her, but I was also trying to go for the angle of D trying to find a compromise between what's important to her