Valerie

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15 Bridgeman

About Valerie

  • Birthday July 22

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  1. Perhaps the solution is rope? Tie a rope around the duke and the two can heave ho him out?
  2. Okay, I am making notes as I read this time (since this is my second peek at this prologue). Page one comments: First thoughts are that the opening line is better. I picture Tr as someone a bit portly, getting out of breath going up stairs and having to cling to the banister. There is a bit of alliteration in the opening line (this doesn’t bother me, personally but I thought to point it out in case it is something that bothers you “stopped short… stairs). I also think “stopped short” reads a bit clunky. What stopped him short? Being out of breath? Exhaustion? Usually one doesn’t stop short from exhaustion but kinda slows down or stumbles. But this is an Uber nit pick for sure. Grammar time: Past perfect simple tense is used a bit here. Not sure how much of a grammar person you are (I use to be able to expertly diagram a sentence but am more than 15 years out from my last college grammar and syntax class and thus incredibly rusty- but I dug out my books because I’m not sure the tense is being used correctly here in multiple instances. First an explanation: past perfect simple tense- the past part is easy “had” is the past tense of “to have” perfect means the action was completed in the past- meaning it is not continuing to happen simple means the type of verb you use (I think… this part is hazy, but go with me here.) In more simple terms it is “had” + past participle (verb with “ed” ending). It is used to show an action that was completed before some other action. IE: “By the time I was 12, I had read all the books in the library.” So now that I brushed up on my grammar, anyways, I’m going to delve into your usage of the past perfect simple tense (because on this reading it really stood out to me as possibly misused.) “The midwife had warned them that morning to prepare for the worst.” - “had warned” but warned them before what? I think this sentence can be quickly fixed by changing the tense to get rid of the “perfect” bit and go with “The midwife warned them…” “An ominous tingling had wrapped itself around his forearm there just as the wall came down.” Here we have “had wrapped” but “just as the wall came down” which I took to mean at the same time, not before. And “had wrapped” by its tense signifies something that happens before something else. Again, quickest fix would be to get rid of the perfect tense and just go with “wrapped”. Also in this sentence is some odd wording with “his forearm there just”. I feel like instead of “there” you need a comma (but since the bit after just is an dependent clause, I’m not sure if you even need a comma- commas and the rules around them are a weakness of mine for sure.) Perhaps try” An ominous tingling wrapped around his forearm as the wall came down.” Cut out some words that were not necessary to understanding. All this is an uber nit pick and I feel like my nerd is showing… Third and final examples (there are more but I feel like if this bothers you, you can go on a past perfect simple tense hunt and irradiate any grammatically wrong usage- as with many tense things, it really depends on what you were trying to say as far as what happens in relation to something else.) “But the walls had stopped shaking, and the thunder of falling stone had stopped echoing off of the mountains that surrounded the castle.” Had stopped” is used twice and in neither case is there another verb for them to have happened before. Again, quick fix: get rid of “had” in both cases or just one to signify that “had X” happened before the other verb. Now, to backtrack a bit: in the second paragraph “He took a breath and hurried down the hall…” Nothing wrong with this but I feel that “hurried” could be replaced with something a bit less ambiguous. Is he walking quickly? Stumbling? Dashing? Also, his breathing is talked about in the first sentence so it feels repetitive here- if you are really looking at ways to cut the wording down. “sunlight pouring down” This still suggests ceiling for me, so when wall is stated later it is a bit unsettling. Perhaps change “poured down” to “pierced through” or some such. “Tr found” also feels a bit clunky in this sentence. It could be removed if it bothers you or others and the verb in the second half of the sentence changed up a bit to make it stand on it’s own without the “Tr found” part. “He squinted against reflected sunlight, trying to understand, and searching for some sign of what had happened to his master.” How does he know something happened to his master and not his mistress- I’m assuming he is referring to the tingling here. At this point he doesn’t know where his master is- he could be in the ball of ice, right? I also feel like this could be a good place to slip in that the sphere is made of ice, ie: He squinted against the sunlight reflected off of the icy sphere…. or some such. Another big nit pick as there is nothing grammatically wrong with this sentence: “One of the joists overhead had given way and caught where the sphere met the plane of the far wall, a little below the ceiling. Part of the floor above had come down after it, and the joist was supporting a mound of rubble and broken furniture. “ I would change “was supporting” to “now supported”. The reason? Because on first reading I wasn’t sure if this was the same joist as before or another joist and adding “now” would clear this up for me. Page two! “where there had been two an hour before” an hour before or minutes before? I thought there were still two when he was on the stairs. Oh, no! Ignore my last bit about the ice. You do a masterful explanation on this page. “Tr had hated the man then. Still hated him, sometimes, for the trouble he’d caused the family he’d spent his whole life serving.” Tenses apparently are my big nit pick today. “had hated” “Still hated” Okay, I read it again and realized that “had hated” is actually correct as the “then” refers to when the Duke married the Dutchess. I think this would be more apparent if you moved it up to the paragraph before it. Page three: “He couldn’t help wishing that it was the other one. “ I love this line. “Was that ragged breathing? Or the settling of rubble? “ Love this too. In fact All of page 3 is really good. Page 4 “Where was everyone?” I love that you have Tr ask this because, I as a reader was wondering it as well. ““Most were downstairs when the wall came down. They don’t trust it to hold.” Rasnic fell quiet, taking in the wreckage. He looked a little green.” Let the love fest continue! I love how you did this as well. “Tr had cleared a space a little wider than his shoulders. Br was thinner than he was, so if he could get in, he might be able to-“ I won’t mention the tense here. But I love the bit about Br being thinner. I knew Tr was portly! Page 5 “Rasnic pulled him farther from the pile and dropped his voice. “There won’t be much help.” Tr just stared at him. “You know how many left when they married. The ones who stayed did so for My’s sake.” He fell silent, looking toward the sphere. “If they blame him-” Oh! I am eating this up. I love it, love it, love it! “Then he is still their duke.” Still their or “He is still our duke”? ““See if there’s a gap between this thing and the wall where we can force a way in,” Tr said. He doubted there was one. If there was, the ice wouldn’t have fared so well against the force that had destroyed the walls before the ceiling came down.” This bit is still confusing for me. what is “this thing” the rubble or the sphere? how does he know the wall was destroyed before the ceiling? Pinching pennies here but I’m not sure I’d know. I assumed it all happened at the same time Page 6 “Tr dropped his head to the ground and squeezed his eyes shut, expecting something to crash into the top of the pile and send him and Br both to Judgment.” I love this. It really helps to amp up the tension. it is a great example of Yes, but… Yes, he can move the statue but the wall may be coming down- oh! and the healer is dead… I also laughted out loud at the end of this paragraph. It really made me love the Duke. I didn’t get any of these warm and fuzzies from any character my first read through but I am INVESTED now. Page 7 ““Get anyone who isn’t too much of a damned coward to keep their Oath,” I don’t love Tr but I damn well respect him at this point. This has been a great upgrade in character from the last version. It also feels more YA to me than the last version, I have no idea why, but it does and this is not a bad thing. I LoVe YA as it usually is easier for me to read and focuses more on characters and growth- and I just answered my question: it is because the characters are better developed that it feels more YA. I’m loving it. “There might be little possibility in saving him, but if the duke died without explaining that sphere, leaving the title to his nine-year-old son would be the least of Trambor’s problems.” Ooh, this leaves me with all sorts of interesting questions. I like how you inserted the call back to magic being a big no no here. If left unanswered would the new, young duke be outcast or have to pay for his father’s crimes? Page 11 “he asked quietly, hating the pain it brough to Br’s face.” - Does he, though? This does seem out of character. I thought he was still super pissed at the duke. ““After all the trouble they’ve put you through, I find it hard to believe you’d turn to defying the laws now.” Br was too paranoid about the repercussions it might bring on his family to have done something so foolish. But something had happened.” Okay the first line I quoted still doesn’t make much sense to me. But I wonder if it can just be deleted since the following lines explain, what seems to be the same thing, and betterish. It is a tense thing again. “was too paranoid” to “had been too paranoid.” Otherwise Tr is would have to know what the Duke was thinking at the current moment, which he can’t. “The girl. She’d been sent to fetch “ Again, which girl? a maid, the midwife? Page 13 ““Dw.” The guard’s anger sobered at the exhausted voice from the bed. “Not now.”” this should be three paragraphs, methinks. “head was pillowed on his arms on the bed, the rest of him draped back over the arm of the chair where his legs were curled up under him.” Lots of arms here. Not grammatically wrong but still feels repetitive. Also: time: It was early afternoon when Tr first came into the room. It seems like no more than an hour has passed, if that. So why is the boy falling asleep in the early afternoon? 9 is a bit old for a nap. Okay: Now you have me pumped for the next chapter. Grammar-smamer (cause there is a lot of possibly improper use of the past perfect simple tense, I feel like I spotted it on almost every page…) but grammar is an easy fix. This was most excellent. I smiled, I laughed, I was touched by the last scene and the imagery it gave me (I mean, come on, sleeping kids are the most precious.) My husband asked what I was doing more than once (cause I was ignoring him and the kiddos, never mind it is bedtime) It would probably be worth while to get a fresh set of eyes on it, but my issues with confusion were totally absent here. Anyway. Last time I said I would read on to chapter 1 but put the book down if chapter 1 didn’t improve. Truth is I was being nice. I wouldn’t have even finished the prologue. But this, this is much better. With this I would have bought the damn book and eagerly driven home to devour the rest. Bravo.
  3. @Robinski oh, yes! If you have line by lines I’d love them! I’m here to improve. It is a first draft- but still nice to know whete things don’t flow or make sense.
  4. Thank you everyone for such thoughtful feedback! I am going to cut/ paste it all into my document via liner notes. I wasn’t sure what to do with this piece and now feel that I have a good game plan: shorten to flash levels (will probably cut about 1/3-1/2 of it and then modify ending for more punch.) My biggest worry with my writing is that it only makes sense to me and thus is a hot mess. So, I was surprised and pleased to see that there were so few line by lines. Anyway- thanks again. You made me very happy and gave me lots of ideas on moving forward and things to mull on. Now to go work on my latest story about space pirates!
  5. Once again, I read twice. Thoughts after first reading: It just felt off to me. The castle is being attacked and the main character is behaving really irrationally. It is somewhat saved by the fact that she failed. If she had succeeded in her “rescue” it would have been too much for me for sure. I just didn’t buy into the action. Perhaps current events are playing in here. But storming s castle should be really hard. It is fortified by nature. And if the people have had a warning? It should be about impossible. (Current events show that if the higher ups are. Ot taking things seriously storming a fortification is a bit easier.) Nit picks: “Every second felt like an hour.” for an opening line this felt very weak. I go back to my point from last week about the ending of the last chapter being a bit telly rather than showy. Reading from that to this- it just feels like more of the same. I don’t feel any urgency. I should, but I don’t. I like the ret of the paragraph better. Pacing to pass the time. How is that annoying her cell mates? The catty one from before is silent as she is pacing? In general I wonder about those cell mates and what they think of the black king making an appearance. I also wonder how the king is able to hold the keys- in his mouth? How does he talk? Where does he put them after unlocking her cell door? Surely he doesn’t leave it open cause: cell mates. “Ir stood in a large room as servants arrived with equine brigandine armor lined in leather, followed by a hideous golden collar. Dozens of barrels were being rolled into the room, their lids being removed to show water. The Black King’s personal guard flanked the doorways.’” Why is the collar hideous? Why the water? Who is being show the water? I’m confused. Okay on second reading I’m catching onto the secret passage thing as far as how the army gets in. But the black king knew about it- so why isn’t it guarded? Seems strange to know of a back door and to just leave it open. But if it is a passage- how many resistance members can get through it? Wouldn’t it bottle neck something fierce? “This was totally, utterly, ridiculously stupid. That was family for you.” yes it is. But why is the character acting this way. It is not only stupid it is unlikely. There is a fight. Getting someone out of a fight without getting cross fire is near impossible if you are trying to cross sides. And she would have to cross twice. I just don’t by that Ir wouldn’t get that it is completely futile. Surely there is something else that can be done. Okay if the bl king wanted Ir’s naming power why did he send her away? You’d think he’d do more to get the power. Final thoughts: Even on second reading I don’t buy a lot of the action- both that of the characters and the fighting. I didn’t feel any emotion at the final scene with the death. This is likely due yo me jumping in so late. I was a bit surprised the king was a unicorn. The mind control stuff felt a bit out of place. If he could do that why didn’t he get the names out of her? The fighting also seems to end very abruptly and it is hard throughout to really tell who is winning/ losing. Thanks for the read! It will be interesting to see what happens next. I’m thinking the king uses the sister as a hostage to get to Ir. He feels like the big bad, for sure. edit to add (because my kiddos distracted me( the whole bit with her and the cats and the crossbow and asking of names and taking her places was all kinda confusing and, again, seemed strange in the middle of a battle. As I’m making dinner I’m thinking: well what would I have done if I were her? I’d have gone to the healer and asked what I could do to help- surely the infirmary would get injured people. Maybe I’d then go out with a team to do field rescues- something active that would help. But this is me talking from a kitchen and my family is safe, so who knows.
  6. so, I really love how Mary Robinette teaches openings. Since I learned her way I have applied it to all my own stuff and have found that most good books and stories I read also follow it. pretty much in the first 1-3 lines intro the following (taken from my notes from her lecture): who: what is their pov? Their attitude? (Ie: angst filled plumber, sexist boss.) show this with their actions, what they are doing. Where: link to sensory input Genre: quickly set it up using specific and unique details. in your opening, we don’t really get a complete who (we learn his name but not anything else about him.) We don’t really get a sensory where (castle, but no concrete sensory info about it.) And we don’t get a genre. It could be historical fiction or fantasy. But grain of salt- as honestly I think since this is something I actively look for now, I may be hyper focused on it. No idea if others find it important- or that it works fir them to make an effective opening line. edit for example: the opening paragraph to to Hunger Games. A book I was instantly sucked into and has a great opening: ”When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold. My fingers stretch out seeking Prim’s warmth but finding only the rough canvas cover of the mattress. She must have had bad dreams and climbed in with our mother. Of course, she did. This is the day of the reaping.” who: sibling who’s first thought upon waking is to check on her sister. where: a bed and it is cold and rough genre: speculative of some kind because of “the reaping.”
  7. I read twice. First for fun then second round for nit picks. Comments after first read. Oh, I am so confused! There were so many characters. I can’t remember a single name. Nothing in the prologue turned me off or would make me put the book down. But I was unable to get sucked into the scene. There were a lot of things that felt inconsistent to me. Overall I was confused. Nothing wrong with the writing, just a lot of new people and information in a short span of time. Nit picks: Okay so it has been about 4 days since I first read this. Life got crazy. But I’m thinking it may be good to read it with fresh eyes. “... flexed the fingers of his left hand against the ominous tingling that wrapped around his forearm.” Ooh! I like the world building here and am intrigued. Is this magic? A spell? Is it a physical thing or just a feeling? The opening didn’t really grab me but this bit did. “... dumbfounded by the brightness...” okay this is the first part where I start getting confused. A few lines earlier he noted the brightness of the stairway. It was easy to put 2 together and get that something had collapsed and this sunlight came in. So why would the brightness cause the T to be dumbfounded? Also- if he has reached the top of the stairs why is there still railing to cling to? “The bedroom was usually dim...” So this line has the name pf the kingdom Tr which confused me on first read because the main characters name also starts with Tr. this paragraph has the character again surprised by sunlight. But he could see it way down the stairs. So why still confused? I get the impression that he is suppose to be in a state of shock. I don’t know if you have ever had shock before- but I have. It is not fun. In my case I was driving home after hearing on the radio that my neighborhood had been struck by a tornado. I saw about 15 ambulances go by and was getting zero answers on the phone. I began to shake all over and had to pull the car over. I was able to think but visceral things happened. And it took about 10 hours for the shaking to stop. Now- everyone experiences shock differently. I use to lifeguard and was nick named V- for Val I guess but also for Vomit. Every rescue I was like on autopilot. I’d swim grab the person, get them out of the water. Do first aid/ cpr as needed. Do the paperwork. Then vomit and vomit and vomit. Anyway. In both cases my mind was super clear. I wasn’t confused. So I guess this character’s continued surprise just rings untrue, to me. Anyway- I feel like there are better ways to express shock than continued surprise. His actions what are driving them? Why is a servant the only one to rush to help? What is his motivation? Also in this paragraph: why is a torn down wall more shocking and attention worthy than a giant blue orb? As a reader I find the orb much more interesting. “The tingling in his arm had stopped” on first reading. This bit really confused me. I get it now the second time through. I’m not sure if you wanted to bury the lead as to what the tingle magic was or not. But if you meant to bury it, it worked well. I didn’t get that it was associated with a person at all first go round till later. (Ai’ll note when.) “And what had he done here? “ on first reading I thought “he” was Tr not the duke. “... pulled out the knife he kept at his belt and cut a wide piece of fabric from the green and gold tunic that marked his position as part of Duke Br’s serving staff.” okay that was a lot of details in a short span of time. Also: I had figured he was a body guard, not serving staff. “The debris next to the sphere shifted” this is the paragraph where I finally figured out what the tingly magic was, lol. Had to be spelled out for me, no pun intended. ““Careful. You could pull the rest down.” who says this? “Tr glanced over his shoulder to find Duchess M...” here we meet another person but are given two new people to keep track of. So far at this point in the book we have three named characters and have interacted with 3 characters but those two groups are not the same. This makes things confusing. First group Tr, Duke and Duchess. Second group Tr, Duke and unnamed advisor. Yes, he is named in the next line- but as I said in the first reading. It made it hard to juggle and keep things straight in my head. “Was anyone in the castle capable of managing the fire spell long enough to melt through the wall?” what fire spell? What wall? I’m confused. ““Is there a gap between this thing and the wall?” what is “this thing” again I’m confused. “We need to get in without shifting the weight of the rubble get in? I thought he was trying to get the Duke out of the rubble? “then cleared what he could away from the gap before ducking down to find the duke’s pained, terrified eyes staring back at him from a little over an arm’s length away. “ okay. Confused yet again by this. I thought Tr had found the duke because he could see his hair. Now the duke is down in a hole? Then how did he see the hair before- esp if it is an arms length from the surface? “They were preparing to ride out with the news.” confused again. What news? Who ordered them to take it? I thought the duke was pinned. “He glanced down at his left arm, assuring himself that the duke’s Oathband was still there. “But not this news.” did we just jump heads? I thought everything was from TR’s point of view. “Send someone for a healer from town. And see if any of them can keep him alive until then. “ more confusion here. How is someone who is leaving to get a healer able to stay and help the duke? This is worded strangely and just doesn’t make sense. “If the closest healer won’t be here until tonight at best-.” again confused. How does he know this? “I’ll tell them?” tell who what? I thought all servants and advisors know the duchess is dead because of the oath band? Also: why all this talking when the duke is being crushed to death? “... to brush uselessly at the heavy oak timber that held him down. Tr ground his teeth together and slid forward, reaching toward the crushing beam. His fingers brushed across the top of the splintered joist, and he nearly let loose a giddy laugh when they met nothing more than dust and some splintered shards of wood. Rolling carefully to his back for leverage, Tr pushed against the beam,” okay is it a heavy, hard to move beam or is it just some dust and splinters? It goes from beam to splinters then back to beam here. Again- I was super confused on first reading but now just feel it doesn’t make any sense at all. “A blond guard soon entered and briefly noted the giant ice sphere with alarm before focusing on...” okay! Now I get it the sphere is ice. It took second reading to this point to get that. I thought it was a glowing blue ball of some kind of spell magic. “The Ke all seemed to call each other cousins” another new person, and again, two names to keep track of. I have no idea who these K people are. “Not this room’s, but the one above it. “ again confused- I thought above was the sky- letting bf in light. “Water,” Tr said, pulling the guard out of his daze. “Please.” Dw nodded, gave an odd half-bow, and left at a run.” Why is Dw bowing to a servant? And why does the servant need water? I don’t get the pause here either. The building is unstable. Why not Dw and Tr loft the duke and cary him somewhere safe? “The duke shuddered and lifted his right arm before finally opening his eyes to stare at his wrist. His face contorted with grief and pain, sending Trevan’s hand unconsciously to his own arm. The missing Oathband there was strange enough. What must it be like to have a Judge-Bound Vow of marriage severed? Especially for a mage? Trevan looked away as moisture gathered at the edges of his master’s eyes.” i know I have been a negative Nancy so far but I was touched by this bit here. “But if this woman froze to death in the middle of the summer, the magistrates would insist on calling someone before the gods for punishment.” what woman? “Tr let out a relieved breath as De walked in with a waterskin, Ra following. With all three working together, they managed to carry the duke across the hall to settle him onto the bed in My’s maid’s room. The coughing fit that followed brought up blood, and Ra started to look green again.” all this urgency for water and they do nothing with it?!? “After all the trouble they’ve put you through, I find it hard to believe you’d turn to defying the laws now.” none of this made sense to me at all. Who is the “they”? “No,” Tr breathed. “Maybe if King Ir was still alive. But Ve never shared his father’s grudges.” He shook his head. “And Queen Es would never allow it.” more names that mean nothing. Hard to follow. The king, Ve, kings son, and queen. “If they consider it necessary, they’d get rid of Al and make her the new duchess.” who is the she here? The maid or the Queen? Neither makes any sense to me ““Not where he might hear.” who is the “he?” “Someone applying heatstones to the ice sphere.” how would they know this. “And if the Judge did find her guilty, and her life was forfeit...” He trailed off, grimacing. “He will have enough shadows looming over him already.” who is the she. Who is the “he will have enough shadows.” “We can call her to an Accounting ourselves.” okay- again, who is the she? The midwife? She’s dead. The maid? I thought they had dismissed that idea. “... And get the girl out of Gi if she’s willing to accept the blood price.” no idea here. What is Gi? What is a blood price? “We will have the midwife set the events in writing,” okay. Now I am realizing that I was confusing the midwife with the healer. So there is a healer- dead. A midwife in ice and a maid, too? “And if she doesn’t accept the terms?” Tr asked. why is a servant interrupting this conversation? Overall- second reading cleared some things up but not others. It is just one long confusing read with lots of name drops. Tr’s actions don’t make much sense to me and it seems like he is more there just to show what happens than anything else. But what is he doing there? Why are people treating a servant with so much respect or caring what he thinks? Who is he? There also isn’t a lot of action. Rather it is one conversation to another. And the conversations: I would think there would be better things to talk about like: we have sent for a healer! Let’s get you out of this building that is collapsing! Like I mentioned before- very little stuck in my head first reading and not much more on the second. Too many names and formal nouns introduced all in clusters to make heads or tales of them. I could make zero sense of the politics. Similar for the magic system. Is magic against the law or not? I have no idea. Also: the opening. Tr is suppose to be running up stairs to help. The sentences are all very long. So the pacing feels off. It was action but didn’t feel like action. I also had a hard time making a mental picture while I read this. When I read I normally have a vivid picture in my mind to help me keep track of what is what. I had to constantly modify that picture. Ie: the duke. He was buried in a pile of rubble that sat on the floor but his hair poked out. But then he was actually in a hole that went down to the floor below and Tr had to crawl down to him. There was a hole in the ceiling then there wasn’t. But then toward the end the hole in the ceiling was back and helping to melt the ice ball... There were other inconsistencies like this that just boggled my ability to keep track of things. Again, overall, I was just very confused. Not enough to put it down all together. But if the first chapter didn’t make sense I would for sure.
  8. Super short- because I only read the first paragraph and then a few other random bits. (To see if things settled down.) It was just too much violence for my personal taste. In my job, I hear and see all sorts of horrible things and I have to kind of protect myself in my days off from unpleasant things. so this was not something I could read.
  9. I, too, like the LN. I mean, if we can all read and love R2, why not LN?
  10. Thanks, you two.
  11. Question: I send my email to the group address this morning but haven’t gotten it in my email yet- 3 hours later. I haven’t gotten a failure to deliver notice either. Do I get a copy of the email in my inbox or am I just being impatient?
  12. *slaps head* thanks for the clarification. Glad to know Ir is busting herself out. I was like- noooo I love that part. Good to know it was never in jeopardy.
  13. Here is my post for the week. It is a draft 1.5 (lightly edited for clarity). Any and all feedback welcome, but I have two areas in particular I’d love to have addressed. 1. Length: I literally wrote this last week. It is a weird length. I had set out to write a flash but it got a bit long winded. Does the length work for you? Should I chop chop chop and make it a flash? Or should I flesh it out? AKA: are you wanting more, less or is it just right? 2. As you read, what do you feel like, if anything, the Peony represents? What is it’s role in the story? (I’ve placed what I’m going for at the end of the manuscript because: spoilers.) Again, thanks everyone!
  14. Hmmm... the only problem I have with W (who I assume is her love interest? I don’t have the notes open). Is that it would take away a moment of character empowerment, where Ir manages to free herself. it also seems a bit deus ex machina to me to have a hero swoop in and free her from her sister’s house.
  15. I don’t know... I’m a therapist and sometimes those little old grannies are pretty raunchy- I have stories for daaays.