karamel

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  1. I just want you to know that I was eager enough to read this that it was the first thing I did this morning. So, these comments come from my second time reading this. I did prepare more this time by whipping out some good ol’ sad instrumental music to accompany my read and really set the mood. Page 1 -awesome stuff on the first page. I think it's good that Ir points out how her and J are different. Things are different when you have a lot to lose. Though, it did sound a little pretentious at first. Like she was so confident that her family was perfect and incapable of having problems. Seemed like she placed her family on a pedestal. Page 2 -”she pressed her palms against her eyes” great visual! Page 3/4 -”a mortal flower blossoming” i loved this line -i also love the comparison of the joyous funeral of her grandparents and the not so joyous funeral she is at now. -”a symbol of the funeral pyre” nice worldbuilding! Page 5 -funeral felt appropriate for me. Characters never get time to grieve so this was good. Page 6 -my prediction before reading this was that Su would choose the mines. I was right about the mines, good choice Su! I guess it would be too hard on Ir if she lost both T and S. -but also, that line about S’s choice slapped me in the face. I didn’t expect it to be so abrupt. -”the last surviving cells” cells of revolutionaries? I pictured cells like prison cells at first and was confused. That's just me being uneducated tho. Page 7 -”staining his skin with tears” earlier you said Ir’s shirt was stained with tears. Do tears stain skin though? -I honestly forget that Ir and J are together. To be fair, I haven’t seen him very much since I started reading. Page 9 -”no heir, no queen-consort” this is news to me. Is this stated earlier? I actually thought this was the most interesting thing J said. -”life didn’t wait for Ir” true, life dont wait for anybody -there's two moons?? the stuff you miss when you don't read half the book. Page 10 -all the stuff at the top def seems like this is the end. But did we ever learn about that crystal TBK stole? What was that for? -”home was cold and distant” yeah, i imagine her not wanting to be home is like me not wanting to live in my hometown. Too many memories, you gotta move on. I honestly hope she works in the palace and doesn't go back to the way things were because otherwise, what was it all for? -”L would cease his jokes” wouldn’t jokes be good for her? Lighten the mood a little? -”she rediscovered her passion when” I really like this sentence. It's the little things that bring you back Page 11 -i love how things are back to normal but they aren't really and never will be. Feels accurate to life. -’Ir felt older and somehow too large for B” i kinda wish she would leave and take time to go travel. She needs to find herself. maybe accompany BK when he leaves and he can train her to take his place or something. i'd read that for sure. Page 13 -”gained a yearning for more than a simple life” yes Ir, go explore the world Page 14 -”last time through the guard room” you sure about that? Everything read very well! I am super curious to see what Ir does next.
  2. I don't have much to say because... what a chapter! I read this a few days ago on my phone and thought it was such a good follow up to the previous chap. Everyone else already pointed out any concerns I had so I'll just give you my nonsense thoughts pg 1 "whipping by with a purpose she lacked" good line. I feel this pg 1 "blood that should be pumping" yes, another good line! this is my thought anytime i get my blood drawn. it should be inside my body and not outside it. so much good emotion in these first few paragraphs. pg 2 "his voice was like the ocean" another good sentence. keep 'em coming! pg 2 tbk is my fav character, idk if that's what you were going for, but i've only seen good things about him. pg 5 "if you are unable to complete.... i understand" see? so understanding, how kind. pg 5 "I believe I ordered you earlier...hands bandaged" such compassion. he is now giving me kind but firm sensei vibes (you must be thinking, wow what a weeb thing to say, but I literally don't know how else to describe it). Also, it says "I believed I ordered" but i think it should be "believe" pg 7 "go to the olive courtyard" how the.... how did she remember all that?? pg 8 I can understand why Sue would rather die than go to the mines, being so prideful and all. I mean, I wouldn't make the same choices as her but it makes sense for her as a character. Did she have a plan for failure though? Like if they got arrested? What was plan b? I guess if she was blinded by her ego and confidence in killing BK, she might not consider these questions. This doesn't have to be explained in the story, I'm just thinking out loud. pg 9+10 i like this feisty-ness in Ir. Stoked to see how you end this!
  3. I wanted to read the previous sub last Sunday, but I figured I could just wait till you sent the revised version so that I could look at it all with a fresh pair of eyes! It seems like everyone has already commented on a lot of grammar stuff so I'll try to not be repetitive! Page 1 -”had wrapped itself around his forearm there” there? Where? I think you can just take out “there.” Also, I assume the tingling is from magic. Makes me wonder if he is the one who destroyed the castle -”gruesome tear in the stone” is “tear” the right word? I think of fabric or paper when I think of “tear.” Also, I read “tear” as in “a tear drop” at first. English is wild -”the base of the sphere enveloped…” everything was confusing until this sentence. Now all is clear, well almost all. Basically now I understand that there is a sphere protecting this duchess and her newly born baby. -i had to look up what a joist is Page 2 -does Tr know what this blue sphere is? Edit: answered later, no he doesn't, yet. -just something i noticed, but this phrase, ”breath caught in his lungs” is said on page one and two. Seems too soon to have his breath catch in his lungs again. Page 3 -”even if he was a mage” so Tr hates mages? Hmmm -also, i glazed over a bit in the second paragraph with all the info about the king, seems like info you can explain later -I hope these O-bands get explained. Why would he wish for the other one? -”lifted his hand to pound” would “fist” work better than “hand”? When you say “hand” I assume an open hand, but then pound makes me think fist. I guess you could pound with your palm.. Page 6 -”eyes went shut” consider just saying, “eyes shut.” eyes don’t go shut, they just shut. Page 7 “T flinched as the body” makes it sound like the duke is already dead Page 9 -”all of the K seemed to call each other cousins” how does it seem like that? Either they do or they don't, right? “It seems like this group of people all refer to each other as ‘cousin’.” just sounds off to me. Page 10 -”shocked by the man’s anger” i didn’t get that he was angry, just that his harsh tone might have been because he was in pain or something Page 11 -”his eyes wide in horrified shock.” i've seen this a lot. I think you can just say that his eyes were wide without telling us it was because of shock. It seems kind of telling. I assume his eyes being wide means he is shocked or horrified. -Im confused about what happened here. The spell slipped? The healer ...did something that the duke tried to fix? Eh? It might just be me but i am very confused. Page 13 -what’s a blood price -”letting his eyes fall shut” i noticed this phrase three times in total -”who handed him a bunch of flowers” when did this kid have time to pick flowers?? Wait, why are there flowers? How much time has passed? -also, what about the people in the ice sphere? I know it was said that there was someone using heating stones, but I felt like it was glanced over really quick. Edit: oh it's mentioned on the next page. So, I had trouble picturing how the rubble in the room was laid out. At first, my brain conjured up the basic pile of rubble that falls on someone where you can just dig them out by moving stones (i say that like it happens all the time lol), but then it was mentioned that the ceiling above had actually collapsed and I guess Tr had to crawl under stuff? It wasn’t entirely clear to me. This is a super nitpicky thing that doesn’t affect your story at all, but in case you didn’t know: the hyphens you use when someone cuts themself off should be “––” rather than “-” em dash vs en dash vs hyphen. Here is a little chart to help and here are the shortcuts for a mac Here is another nit-picky thing: I noticed that everyone was breathing a lot. FYI, the word “breath” (and breathing) is said 31 times. Also, there were ten instances of eyes shutting. Is this helpful? No, probably not. It’s just something I noticed. Overall: I was engaged at first, but it really seemed to drag in the middle and at the end. Also, there was no payoff for the ice sphere, the dutchess and her baby, and whoever Tr’s master was (unless the duke was his master but I got the impression that they were two separate people). I think a major problem in this prologue is that I was set up to think we were going to focus on that ice sphere trapping the people inside, or that it would at least lead somewhere, but then we focused too much on getting the duke out and his son giving him flowers and then sleeping. but people are literally trapped in ice! i guess they cant do much but still... i felt mislead lol I did glaze over a bit whenever things about the world/king were explained (maybe that's why I was confused). But perhaps I glazed over because I went in knowing this was a prologue and it did start out like a great prologue, but I was expecting something… grander? The ending was kinda meh. This actually felt more like a second or middle chapter. It’s got beginnings for sure, but it's not punchy enough to be a prologue and it doesn't grasp me enough to be a first chapter. I’m sitting here thinking, why was this all necessary? Does it actually add anything to the story? It seems like it's just background for the kid at the end. But then again, I don't know the whole story so it's definitely hard to judge this prologue's worthiness. You set up something with the line “the midwife had warned them.” I was stoked to find out what that sentence was referring to. I think if you give this some payoff, it’ll work real well. Just in general, there were a lot of things set up that got me intrigued. During the whole thing, I was aching to learn what happened to the castle. But i think if you keep the reader in the dark for too long, they start to lose interest. Before I got answers, I just wanted the duke to either die already or hurry and tell them what happened. I think you can get to the answers quicker by cutting out some of the healer stuff and the struggle with getting the duke out (like everyone else has already stated). Anyway, I appreciate the amount of love and thought put into the story (obvious from all the stuff you put in but had/have to cut). I would be curious to read on to learn more about Tr and whoever else is in future chapters!
  4. i googled it, here's good ol' chris hadfield to show us!
  5. thoughts as I go: Page 1 -I already love this way more, huge improvement! -what is squarish? -”maybe talking aloud to my brain” at first, I thought J was mentally saying “f off” Page 2 -”their cheek presses against mine” in the previous draft I didn't bring this up cause it didn’t seem weird, but now i'm over analyzing and wondering: why did A put their cheek on J? I guess it could be a greeting… but I certainly have never had anyone do that to me. and If someone did, I would be very uncomfortable. But then, J’s lack of uncomfort makes sense in this context. -“too sharp” Immediately regretting the word choice- I can relate Page 3 -”if i were talking to anyone else” I really like this sentence and the ones after in the paragraph. Really demonstrates J’s infatuation without shoving it in our faces -”whatever sayings mean i will do” this sentence confused me upon first reading it -”their lips brush against” so my first thought was, “wait wasn't A wearing lip gloss? Ew now J’s forehead will be sticky.” my second thought, “wait how close are they? It seems like A could be leading J on a bit” Page 4 -”if I ever got too fed-up with it.” fed up with what? -when i first read this page i assumed they were all just chilling in the closet for no reason. I also got the impression that J was alone and about to do some kind of stealth mission, that is until A speaks up. Then I read it again and it reads more like J had just entered with A to the closet where L has been hiding because this hiding place isn’t gonna work out anymore, so they have to move her. I assume this is L’s first meeting of J? I’m pointing all this out because with my first impression, I was confused when L asked, “you’re not even going to ask why I'm here?” I thought they had already been chilling in this closet and established that J was going to help. It just threw me off a bit. Page 5 -”they’d spent their days” idk why i had trouble with this, but I didn’t connect this sentence to the previous one, so i was confused. I would just suggest making it more clear that the adult humans are weakest after spending their days watching over a bunch of teenagers. -”maybe that was a bad thing to think” i didnt understand this until i read the next sentence. I was like, “why is this a bad thing to think? It makes sense to me” -”some of us have brains hell bent on killing us” this sentence felt muddled to me, like too much is going on. But maybe that's what you were going for. Also the repetition of “us” felt off to me. Page 6 -”they treat it like a god...if it doesnt get its annual sacrifice” ohhhh it's that kind of situation -”what would the villagers do” ooooh now doc mom is involved. Spicy, I like it. Page 7 -”A’s hands encircle” so they stopped walking? I guess you don't have to explicitly say that they stopped walking, but at first i pictured A putting their hands around j while they were walking. It did not compute in my brain -”gods, do I have questions” -i know it's already been pointed out but “mom has already eaten my tree” is really funny to me. -”anyone can walk in here” Page 8 -”is unlocked, like it always was” this feels like a tense error. But maybe not. “Like it always is” sounds better to me, but it could be wrong. Page 9 -”but thought of something that would” Page 10 -”making out, passionately” A didn’t need to say “passionately,” but she did that for you J -”i have no boundaries” i snorted, omg -also, how awk for L lol -this might not be a problem, but i noticed the word “swoon” and “supernova.” you only used them both twice so far, but they aren’t words i normally see so, it was noticeable to me Page 11 -”are you recording me” it makes sense that J wouldn’t hear the door but it sort of caught me off guard. I thought, “when did W enter??” Page 12 -“I dont bother putting my top layer back on” when did it come off?? Page 13 -is it Lilly or lily? I've seen both spellings Page 14 -antidote? I guess I didn’t realize that that was doc mom’s purpose for being in the village where L is from. -breaths snag? Or, breath snags? “As I picture” rather than pictured? Tense error? I think this is all present tense, right? Page 16 -“I pretend..alien predators who have had a taste” nice characterization Overall: This is a lot more interesting than the first sub! Though i thought the first one was enjoyable too. I think this flowed really well! There were some points that were a tad wordy and could maybe be cut back, but it wasn't enough to take me out of the narrative. awesome job I had this same thought for a second but remembered that pronouns are messy things. I know a lot of people who go by both she/they or he/they. but i could see how this is confusing. there was a moment where J used "her' when referring to A which threw me off because J had been referring to A exclusively by "they"
  6. wow this makes so much more sense! there is so much more detail and everything is much clearer in the beginning. So, I don't have much to say about the missing pages, other than they were sorely missed and this raises a ton more questions for me. The tear is alive (sort of)! that's bizarre. I'm much more interested. Also, im just gonna add my comments here so you dont have to reread my comments from earlier. pg 1: "paddled her way through the air" and "technique to 'swim' through the air." okay so, there's air, but no gravity right? I dont know much about this but I thought you couldn't swim through the air in zero gravity? I think it would have such a minimal effect that it would be pointless, cause air isnt dense enough or something. to move, you would have to push off things and propel yourself. I honestly dont know though, so you could be fine and I could be wrong. pg 2: "as tears streamed down her face" wait so there is gravity? otherwise, would the tears not just... float in the air? idk how it works but thats my assumption lol "the voice said with a tinge of sadness" the tear has feelings? oh my
  7. I love HelloFutureMe! I've been listening to his videos while I work at home! good recommendation
  8. Wow, is this what it's like to be first? *crickets* ...its lonely. ahem, anyway... I wasn't gonna be too nitpicky on this, but I forget myself sometimes, so, sorry about that. Page 1 -oof i was really confused at the beginning. I went back and tried to figure out if there was a chapter i missed but… i guess i didnt. This beginning seems like it belongs in the middle, or maybe it needs a good opening line that tells the reader what's going on. I get that it's a void and there's lights described but it was very disorienting for me. -”drooling on the throne room floor.” How does she know this? I assumed she didn't know what the thing did at the end of the last chapter but now she knows she is not in her body? From the last chapter’s ending, i thought she had physically transported to somewhere else -”E felt her body sweep” oh… so she is in her body? “Flesh sagging downwards” makes me think she looks like a saggy grandma Page 2 -”pressing down on her. Penetrating her.” would it be “pressing down on her, penetrating her.”? a comma instead? -”All she saw was the black eyes focusing on her” this sounds odd for some reason, I think it's the “the.” maybe just say “all she saw was black eyes” Page 3 -”by pretending to be just another tyrant,” Is tyranny better? -”E put a hand to her forehead.” Page 5 -I was not expecting a change in pov, but aight let's go. -”They weren’t literal fires, of course,” oh, yeah i was picturing literal fires lol -”She could smell sweat and adrenaline,” what does adrenaline smell like? Hmm, sweat yes, maybe. I think saying it smells like adrenaline is too telling, but you were on the right track with sweat. Maybe it smells like sweat and.. Breath? Idk what other smells would make you think of adrenaline lol there is also some filtering going on, which doesn't bother me, but ya know. maybe it would work better if you said “the thick scent of sweat from adrenaline hung in the air like smoke” ? but maybe that's too wordy. watch me focus too much on one sentence like a fool -”a few paces off and began floating alongside her as she approached and jogged up the stairs” this sentence had too much going on, it was a bit hard to follow Page 6/7 -”against those…monstrosities.” yes, the mysterious monstrosities. -”next level down” had to think about this one. I see now that you mean next level down in power and not literally like in the building. Heh, silly me. Chapter 3: Aside from being confused in the beginning, I thought the stuff with E and the ominous voice was cool. It kinda felt like a world between worlds and I was down for that. I definitely feel like you set some things up. I am confused, though, about whether E knew what was happening or not. She seemed to be fully aware of where she transported the next time (with all the floaty people (not people)) but it wasn't clear if she knew where she was in the glowy-lines void. Btw, i also liked that the floaty robots have their own void (like in "the good place"). at least, that's how i pictured it. Chapter 4: I definitely felt like more happened in the third chapter compared to the fourth. I think you can just call this all one chapter rather than two, or find a way to blend them more so that its all one. Also, the ending of the fourth chapter doesn't really propel me into the next chapter, i am unsure if i would read on (i mean i will of course if you submit further, but like objectively, i'm not like, “omg i have to read the next chapter.”) Overall: I am most curious about the things you set up in previous chapters and in the third chapter: about what A was talking about before he died regarding E, what the tear is and what is its connection to E, E and G's past, etc. I know some of this wont be explained until later but I dont care as much about the state of affairs in the galaxy. Perhaps its because I don't have enough information about the way everything works yet to care. Maybe its because the stakes dont feel tangible to me. E has mistakenly declared herself a tyrant(which btw is objectively hilarious), but she was already sort of going to do that, right? Idk, maybe im thinking too much. I'll just answer your question, was this too info dumpy? No, I didn't think so. I do think this has a lot of potential. And the povs felt different enough to me. I do appreciate some good set ups and I hope they get paid off. Like those monstrosities, i wanna know what those are. so, yeah
  9. I did do some edits on it but there are still things i want to rewrite and clear up. I can send you a google doc (shared with a link that doesn't require you to have a gmail) with comments on what I want to change if you are okay with that!
  10. So! I started this last week but had a hard time getting through it (because life and also the reasons I explain below), so that’s why it took me longer to reply to this. Honestly, I’m probably not the best person to read this because I just don't read a lot of scifi, but I still wanted to offer what I could. Page 1 -upon my first reading of this page, it all made sense for the most part. N is concerned about these saplings, got it. I'm trusting that this will lead somewhere. there is a pretty big gap between the first line of dialogue and the next. when i first read it i was wondering who N was talking to. -the whole “a N year not an earth year” gave N character, i liked that, because i would be the same if i were in the same position. Time is wild. -I think the second paragraph can be cut down or reworded so that we get to Y’s line quicker. There’s still a lot of info on the first page that i'm not sure we need yet, like the mention of the HG pilots. I don't know what they are yet so it might be better to mention them after I'm more grounded. -also, i'm not sure if N is a name or a species. Page 2 -so either i'm really out of it, which is totally possible, or this is over complicated, they’re just hauling plants and i feel like i had to do more work than necessary to comprehend that Page 3 -i glazed over a bit at the description of the doors/film sheath. Page 5 -oh so the film in the doorway is for the plants? I see now Page 6 -”maybe K just really got on her nerves” ha, good line. Page 8-10 -i had trouble staying engaged on these pages. There was a lot of good stuff that was bogged down by terms/things/places i didnt know. -also we are only just now learning that N has 8 fingers on her hands (pg 10). I feel like descriptions like that should be noted earlier. Page 15 -a lot of stuff is getting explained on this page and i feel like it should come earlier if possible. Page 16 -im hoping these seeds go somewhere -i think N’s goal is to get money? Im not clear on her motives yet. Page 17-19 Im connecting more on these pages, with N on the ship not wanting to hear her high priest uncle Page 20 -”because she was a masochist at heart,” lol nice Page 21 -”I’m a huge fan of colonization narratives.” I think I said this before but I really like Y. he seems like a fun person. Page 23 -i think this is the first time it's mentioned that N has copper skin. It might be the second and if it is, I missed it. Page 27 “Zoom in” Overall: This definitely had its moments, but I had a hard time overall connecting to the story. I don't want to repeat what everyone else has said, but there was just so much that I didn’t understand. There were so many things set up that didn’t pay off for me. This felt like an actual chapter setting up a long story rather than a prologue. As a prologue, it lacked punch. It didn’t draw me in and keep me hooked. Did it give me solid grounding in the world without overwhelming? Ehhhhh, it was better than the last sub but I was still overwhelmed. Would I read to the next chapter? Mehhhhh, probably not. Again though, I might just not be the right person for this story. I did really like the characters though, this definitely has a lot of potential! I really liked N and Y's personality but because I had a hard time picturing everything, it was hard to connect with them. I think once you clear some things up, it will help readers like me connect more and focus on the important things. Aside from all the confusing bits, the story did flow really well. I think the voice is consistent (by itself, Idk about compared to other books) and I would be interested to learn more about N and Y once things are more clear in the story
  11. This was a nice short read! I love the dialogue and content, there is a lot of great stuff in here, but there isn’t enough description to keep me grounded, imo. Usually with pieces as short as this, I expect every line to be meaningful and have more of an emotional impact, and I feel like some of that was missing here. Maybe it was just that the pacing was a little too quick for my liking, but I felt like there should be more (not length wise, emotion wise). I got that she was a wacky/creative older woman from the way she spoke with her daughter and I enjoyed that quite a bit. She seemed open minded and curious about the world and it was sweet. The way her daughter talked to her made me feel like maybe the daughter and everyone else saw her as senile, which was kind of sad because it reminded me of someone suffering from dementia. That, or it's kind of like how older people are like children in many ways, and usually adults don’t believe when their children see bizarre things, but in this story the daughter doesn't believe her mom. Her daughter dismisses her mom’s imagination and wants to focus on boring adult stuff like taxes. I also got the message that the older woman meeting the alien at the end was like her meeting death and accepting that it's her time to move on. So I feel like maybe her obsession with the peony took away the opportunity to have her own experiences… or something like that. I’m obviously not good with symbolism. Unless… she literally got abducted by aliens… which is also cool… ORRR the peony was the symbol for her bad experiences that shaped the way she lived because she wasn't able to get over them and that's why she is sad about it at the end when the alien grim reaper has come to take her away. Maybe she wished that she could have been there for her daughter more? Yes, I agree but actually did not cut that to get to 998 words, although I didn't feel the smell bit added anything, and actually jiggered with the pacing. If you did cut the smell bit, you could perhaps introduce some surprise with the ending, which was not all that surprising, as @kais said, since I feel like 84% of alien encounter stories end up with someone sailing away with them. (I mean, even the Styx song ). I thought smell bit enforced the idea that she still has curiosity in the way a child does (I could be wrong though). Maybe it can be cut down a bit but it didn't feel too out of place for me.
  12. Thoughts as i go: Page 1 -I feel like there isn't enough setting in the first sentence(s). It took me a sec to remember that “oh yeah Ir is in prison” -”missed the sound of hooves on stone” at first i thought she was saying she missed it, like she wanted to hear that sound again, but now i get that she didn’t hear BK walking up. -”sire!” this is probably just me because i did hop in mid novel, but has Ir ever called him sire before?? Page 2 -””No,” Ir swore.” I could be wrong, but I think putting a comma and then saying she swore makes it sound like “no” is the swear, which i don't think it's meant to be. I picture her mentally swearing after saying no, so you would just replace the comma with a period. -how are her hands trying to pull her out? That makes it seem like they are a living being separate from Ir. -also, i'm bummed that BK still doesn't trust her. Page 7 -”there was a grace to him” I like this sentence Page 7-9 I am a bit confused about where everything is taking place, but this is probably because I haven't spent any time inside the palace so i don't know how things are laid out. Did the rebels enter through that hidden passageway? Is this all happening near there? At the southern hall? But Ir never made it there because the soldiers were marching by right? And why does the BK need names? Didn't Ir say it was easy to tell revolutionary from soldier? Oh, is it because he doesn't want to kill Sue and T? So, this was my thought process upon my first read, when i read it over a second time, it all made more sense. Page 10 -”Ir, names!” I love moments like this where the battle is raging on but the MC is having a crisis and the people around them need something from them but they’re just sitting there in shock. *chefs kiss* -So i feel like there is usually some sort of turning point in a battle scene, where one side has turned the tides and has more power, and clearly this happens around T’s death when BK is like “we’re winning, surrender or die” but i don't feel like that turning point was clearly explained, it sort of just happened. Maybe adding something that tells us clearly that the revolutionaries were dying at a higher rate than soldiers and are now outnumbered, so they should give up. Until BK said they should surrender, I didn't have a clear grasp on who had the upper hand, because previously Ir said that the civilians outnumbered the soldiers. Overall: I love that we are getting some consequences. I think T’s death was totally necessary and will hopefully bring on some important realizations in Sue and/or Ir. I think you did a great job in portraying the emotional punch of T’s death, even if I wasn’t necessarily torn up about it (because technically I haven't met him) I did feel bad for Sue because she didn’t even get to be with him in his last moments, but they went into this hopefully knowing they were risking death. I also kinda wished Ir had done more in the battle, even though it technically doesn't make sense for her since she isn't trained. I mean she did give one name, but I wanted her to do more. My biggest problem with this chapter was lack of detail/description. The attack felt short to me and I had some trouble picturing everything happening. but yeah, overall, it was a nice change of pace, I do love death and gore in a totally non-serial killer way.
  13. Notes while reading: Page 1 -”as thick as tree trunks and big as logs” what's the difference between tree trunks and logs? Aren’t logs just tree trunks not in the ground? Yes, I googled it and a log is just a trunk that's not rooted in the ground. hm, then I wonder if there is a better comparison for his arms. Page 2 -”jeshu kris” i read this as jesus christ but in like broken english -”Tattered white robes” you used this wording at the beginning of this page and at the end- bit repetitive Page 6 -”you chose G. and now that she's gone” much better intro of G! I'm more curious to learn about what happened now. Makes me think that maybe G and Ek were related and this is like a lineage thing. -”her pure black eyes” i think it would sound better to just say eyes. “Pure black” feels like it has been used too much. Page 8 -”’intriguing,’ T said.” so I noticed that Ell said “intriguing” a lot and I thought that added to her voice but now T has also said it in the same fashion and it doesn't seem unique to El anymore, just repetitive. Overall: Very strong start compared to before! This is definitely much better. Though, I was a lot more engaged in the first chapter than the second chapter. I sort of glazed over some of the meeting when they were talking about communications and such. But the ending was good! I am def curious to know where she is and why the crystal transported her somewhere else. I think it might be better if you gave us a bit more about where she transported to at the end. its like the classic problem of ending a chapter with, "She opened the door and gasped." rather than telling us specifically what made her gasp. Most of my problems were just with the repetition of some phrases and also some of the dialogue was still adolescent sounding (i.e. "ultra idiot") but yeah, overall, everything read well and I would read on!
  14. This chapter was fairly exciting! I'm looking forward to whats next! Page 1 -”but she delayed from knocking” this wording feels off but i can't say why -”she knocked” oh she only just now knocked? I thought she was knocking earlier with the heavy soup in hand -”once, neither cared what the other wore” i thought this should've been “for once, neither cared” the first time i read it but now that i'm rereading it i think it's saying “at some point in the past, neither cared what the other wore.” Page 4 -”you’re too cowardly” that escalated quickly! Page 5 -”I still love you” I dont believe it “I love you, S said” she’s saying it too much, somethings gonna happen Page 6 -”her skin prickling with adrenaline” Maybe not her skin but her heart? Her heart would speed up because of adrenaline. I think. -when T and I unlock this door” i knew it. Sue you traitor! Page 7 -”And not for a prank,” this sentence is a little repetitive, we’ve already established this Page 9 -”Threated to defeat her” threatened ? Page 10 -”The guards probably saw her as a distraction” hmm my first thought isn't that they would see her in this way, more like they are just following protocol. -Ir seems to be making a huge deal about the threat of the rebels but they haven’t really been portrayed that way so far. Page 11 -did he leave his post to bring her to prison? Maybe it would work better if he called someone else over to take her in, then you can mislead us a bit. Also I feel like threats should be taken seriously, i mean yeah Ir would be suspicious to them but they should also not take things like this lightly. But maybe they get threats on the daily so they are trained not to take evverrrything seriously. -wait she is getting sent to the guillotine? What if she was telling the truth? Would the guards not face serious consequences if she was actually a valuable asset to BK? I would think they would not jump to conclusions so quickly. Overall: I like where you’re going with this, a lot of tension and drama and I love it. But definitely feels like I can see the author’s hand in Ir just being thrown into jail so quickly in order for her to be out of the way so that other things can happen. Also I would like to kindly disagree with what others have said about the guards recognizing her UNLESS they are the same guards that are always there and they have had interactions with her. I actually have some experience in this department at an art museum When I'm posted at a gallery that has an exit/entrance but isn't the main entrance, I have make sure that the people coming into the museum either work at the museum or have paid for a ticket, and even if i recognize the customer (i.e. they just left to go into the garden and i saw them leave and they wanna come back into the museum) I still have to ask for a ticket. Also there are a lot of employees at the museum and i don't remember every single one of them (i've been there for 4 years and i still dont recognize some of them) and its typical for the employees to ALWAYS have their name badges/employee cards on them where I can see them so its easier for me to see that they are okay to enter its just protocol yo I know Ir's situation and my situation are different but still, my first thought wasn't that they should recognize her. thats all im saying.
  15. Overall: I really like the tone and setting of this chapter! W and Ir have distinct voices. I pictured W as the generic white bearded captain smoking his pipe. There were just some sentences that were a little long and muddled but overall, it read really well and I had little to no problems understanding everything I could def see this as an opening for a show, you've given me a clear picture of the environment. I was kind of expecting W to die at the end, like the prologue of a game of thrones. But in that prologue, it set up stakes very well. this prologue is just telling us setting and sort of introducing the MC. that's why i was expecting something bad to happen in this chapter that would set up a problem. but then again, I'm easy to please and the lack of stakes didn't bother me too much. I was very interested in the world and curious to see where this was all going. After some edits and some higher stakes, this could be a great prologue! I agree with @Robinski that it was pretty wordy and repetitive at some points. Page 1 - good intro, I already have a firm grasp on the “steampunkness.” My only complaint about the opening line is that you said “through the air” twice. -”as it got near the ground” I would say “as it neared the ground” -”a century early” would a century earlier work better? -”but the tug was searching for something else” oooh yes, setting me up for something, i love it -you introduced the character early enough and incorporated description of the ship/world with action of MC and that's great! I was worried I might be bombarded with loads of description but this first page works really well. -”the deckhand manning the floodlight” for some reason, I was picturing W alone. Page 3 -”W addressed the flower” I thought the vine was evil until he talked to it. I thought for sure something was gonna spray out of the flower. -”shy, but didn’t like talking when it wasn’t necessary.” same, spirit ship, same. Page 4 -oooh i love the abandoned-giant-armor-thrown-into-a-junkyard-which-tells-us-there’s-some-history-here-or-maybe-some-foreshadowing vibes. (were all those dashes necessary and did they make sense? No, but i'm sticking with it) okay but for real, I love when characters come across rusty relics or giant statues that are covered in moss or just flat out destroyed. For the same reason I love abandoned houses in real life. There is a history here and it’s interesting to imagine what these things looked like in their prime and to imagine why they were abandoned or how they got to this worn down state. Okay, rant over Page 6 -”are you sure that’s wise?” NO, NOT WISE. Page 7 -”following him as he smoked his pipe.” -”there was a mechanism which had opened the chest was only partially working,” this sentence confused me. First, I think you’re missing a word, “the chest that was only partially working” but also the sentence is a little muddled. Second, Idk if “a someone in the center” works for me. I might just say “someone in the center” but then in the next sentence, you’ve repeated that there was a man in the center. Maybe just cut parts of that transition sentence and reword it so that it’s clearer and flows better into the next paragraph without repeating the “person in the center” bit. Page 8 -nice set up at the end! I am curious to know what happens next with the MC.