karamel

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  1. I see what you're saying and I thought about this too, but overall decided that it felt unessential. I probably wouldn't have minded it if I were more invested in the characters. I do like @Moonsilver's suggestion about her arguing with Bon Iver— I mean Do. But it doesn't have to be that obviously. Maybe if there were more tension in the situation that would help. Like someone jokingly pulling Isr along and causing her pain and we have to watch her struggle to keep the facade. It could be comedic which would make her more sympathetic. Something like that mountain climbing comment but in action. There was mention of M being suspicious but it didn't stand out to me as much. Also, I'm still unclear on the stakes of them finding out. I know it would be bad but I haven't seen it in action, so my brain is like, "so what if she is suspicious?" I guess, the consequences aren't fully clear to me. I kind of got that, with the mage school mention. But yeah, i just think the biggest problem is that I'm hungry for more plot movement.
  2. Wow, hi! Sorry i've been MIA these last few weeks! I started working the night shift and haven't gotten accustomed to it yet but, uh, here i am regardless! also sorry if my comments come off harsh or odd, its the lack of sleep catching up to me. 1. I am contemplating the necessity of this chapter. It feels like this could be cut way down or at least include more important/spicy information. I did leave and come back to this chapter a few times but that could be because I have been having trouble focusing. My engagement was fairly low for the first half of the chapter until Al and Is talked. 2. Because I haven't been keeping up, Im having trouble remembering some of the smaller characters. So, none of them stand out at the moment. Im neutral about Is and Al because i haven't really seen them shine. Though, I think I like Al a bit more than Isr because he has had more screen time so I get to see his personality more. regardless, I want to see them interact more. 3. Most interesting part was Al and Is chatting because i feel like they havent really spoken in a while, with her being… poisoned and all. Wasn't really interested in the group's conversation after the concert, or Isr's continuous pain... Sorry Isr :/ pg 1 -i dont remember who Donv is, oops -so this may just be me, but im waiting for the next thing to happen. I got hooked with the poisoning and then the spell stones and the meeting with Al and the king (when we learned how judgement works and all that) but these last few chapters make me want more. This is probably WRS or just the fact that I haven’t been keeping up with critiques. I probably won't feel this way after you tighten things up, cut things back, and if i read it all at once. Or maybe its because its chapter 8 and one of our main characters is still in bed. ← that sounded less rude in my head >.< -lol im pronouncing D’s name as “Bon Iver” in my head -”how could her muscles” yeah i hate to say it but i'm tired of Isr being in bed. I want more action. I want her to do more. I get that she has to recover but it feels drawn out to me. Perhaps it wouldnt feel this way if there was more at stake and if her being down and out affected the plot more. For instance, let's say she was really looking forward to this concert and we focused on that for a majority of the chapters. She’s super pumped and bought a special outfit and everything, but then she gets poisoned and can't go because she feels weak and has to recover. She would probably be super upset and I, as a reader, would be too. That’s a lame scenario but it gets the point across, i hope. I don't feel like she’s losing anything by being out of the game like this. I can't sympathize with her because i havent felt her loss. “These things dont fix themselves overnight” i wish they would tho pg 2 “Evenings concert and next days send off banquet” if something wild doesn't happen at either of these... (╮°-°)╮┳━━┳ ← supposed to be a table -”called for her maid” Orl! Havent seen you in a while! pg 3 “Activated it before she could change her mind” ooof thats how it starts pg 4 “The concert was about as uneventful” tsk. ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━━┻ ← also supposed to be a table, but now flipped... yeah... i'll see myself out. -also why bring up the concert at all? If it was uneventful… idk, maybe i'm being too picky -im having trouble remembering which one Detr is pg 5 “Mount sha” hmm, wondering where this is going. What's the necessity of mentioning this? Edit: oh i see, to mention the mage school probably? Sorry i'm probably being overly nitpicky pg 6 “Political volatility” seems like there’s a lot of walking on eggshells -i feel like a lot of this can be cut. Six pages of her not really doing much and the audience not learning a whole lot. -i didnt get that M was trying to get Al and Is to be alone at first but idk if its a problem because Is tells us via dialogue that that's what M was doing. pg 9 “Realized the problem” i must've missed something because i don't realize the problem “Refused G’s offer” wait i thought it was just Al and Isr?? Isnt that why her cousin left her? So Isr could be alone with Al? “What is the king planning?” i think this could be set up a bit better, make it really seem like something is on his mind. I do like this tho, my attention is increasing! pg 10 -”but thats changing the metaphor” i like that she says he would just be another shark pg 11 “Voices approaching in the hallway” G is on the lookout for people because Isr doesnt want to be seen for fear of her slow pace giving away that she is injured? Bit unclear -also why isnt Al helping her >:( rhetorical question, but still
  3. Agh, sorry. I started this a few days ago but only finished today. And I'm just gonna sound repetitive since I'm late, sorry about that 1. Yes, mostly. Some parts feel like a bit much/over the top. But i note that in my lbls. 2. For the most part! Mostly just the politics I guess were a bit confusing but it usually takes me a while to connect with and see the bigger picture in the politics so my confusion could be because of that. 3. The king was definitely different here, but thats expected because we haven't seen him interact with his daughter yet. It's nice to see a more sympathetic king near the end. I do like that Isr is quite competent so far. I would like to see more vulnerability from her, perhaps thats part of her arc tho. The healer was definitely suspicious; there was a lot of setup in that area. But Im not sure where its going. I guess we'll see? 4. There was a bit too much focus on Isr suffering and recovering here. A lot of that can probably be cut. I am excited to see where this goes in the political area because i can see a lot of pieces being set and sus characters. I want to know who the actual players are and what their goals are. as i go: pg 1 -”pulling” and “pulled” in first paragraph. Not a big deal, but noticeable “She focused on breathing” you can probably cut back some of the first page. Lot of her struggling with breathing and moving and that's fine for a bit but after a while it seems excessive. pg 3 “Her uncles healer” so she is used to them using this special healer? She obviously recognized him right away and didn’t notice anything strange about his presence. Was all that talk between the queen and king about the healer just a show for Al? pg 4 “He pulled a blanket” the healer did? Is he sitting? Or holding it like a towel after you shower? Im having trouble picturing this. edit: wait whose legs?? He put a blanket over Isr’s legs? I thought he did it to himself. I also thought G might’ve been the one putting a blanket over his own legs. Then i was like… was he not wearing pants?? Now i feel dumb. yeah. my bad. pg 5 “Probing through layers of skin and muscle” eeeeeeeee “Pired the shard of glass” EEEEEE lol sorry, it sounds horrendous pg 6 “Almost suspiciously” this is fine, but it might be better if his expression was described. pg 7 “Rest. rebuild your strength” so i think a lot of stuff before this can be cut. also this might make more of an impact if we knew that Is could not afford to rest. Or that she isn’t the type of person to sit around resting. Which could have been shown in chapter one, its just been so long since ive read it that i cant remember. pg 8 “Trying to push away the flood of” okay, so yeah. It seems like she definitely doesnt want to just sit around… maybe we can push this further? or give a reason for why? pg 9 “Forming an addiction” i like that this is a thing because i could def see people getting addicted to it like ...caffeine obviously lol “A sympathetic look” all of his looks are described as sympathetic, odd, thoughtful, suspicious, etc. and thats okay to sprinkle in sometimes (and this goes hand in hand with adverbs i guess) but i think it would help if we also got to see descriptions of his face. Like what makes his face look sympathetic? You dont have to do this all the time of course, or even at all. Just a suggestion edit: yeah, @Moonsilver already pointed this out very thoroughly lol sorry for repeating it “Pulled her knees to her chest and cried” yes, this is good! I could easily get annoyed with her stubbornness to accept help and her overthinking about humiliation but this makes me feel for her. edit: i think i saw that others didn't latch onto this, but for me, it felt like she was holding everything in while other people were present and it showed how stubborn she is about showing weakness so when she was finally alone, she let it all out and was vulnerable. i like that vulnerability! even if she is alone. pg 10 “Dont ever do this” i only know this is joking because Is says it is supposed to be but because i dont know the king that well, it doesnt land. Or maybe its because Is just tells us what he is trying to do. Maybe it would work better if you added that he said it with an awkward smile or a forced laugh(show dont tell tho, amiright?). Not those exactly, but something to show us that he was attempting a poor joke. pg 12 “Hugged her knees to her chest” she does this a lot lol -im not quite following the logic in the politics and how poisoning Is does anything edit: oh the person who poisoned her would get someone else blamed for poisoning her in order to cause chaos? Editx2: oh to blame the duke. Yes. i remember now. heh. pg 13 “But who would that benefit?” yeah who? -it could be that it’s the morning right now but im not following the politics at all, like the relationships between all the locations and such. pg 14 “Some scandalous romance?” did he? Where did this come from? -more engaged in the last paragraph on this page. I guess i like when the problem is stated clearly lol pg 16 -lot of names on this page, bit overwhelming. im not gonna remember any of them. “The pain in his voice...choked back a sob” this feels a bit too dramatic for me. Probably because im not as emotionally invested yet. And this is only her second chapter.
  4. Heyo! Welcome back as i go: pg 1 -agree that the parents say W’s name too much pg 2 “Or is that one of the events..” Ha. N :,) this is good, i want more of this pg 3 -i dont remember when N previously got her the pastries(in the older version), but is now a good time? Wouldnt she want them fresh for breakfast? Arent they getting thai food? Why would she eat them right now(tonight)? pg 5 “You supported me even tho we barely” this is starting to go on and feel repetitive. "and that person is someone i want to grow close with" ehhhh idk what it is but this felt like it leans on the creepy side. partially because he says it so matter-of-factly and not at all like how i imagine a teenager would say it. its sounds more like an old man saying this. pg 8 “I go over my mom’s symptoms” is… now a good time for this? "please dont follow me" stilted dialogue, i think. it feels kinda rude.. pg 9 “But im wondering if theres something” hmmm idk about this. It feels rather... abrupt? Convenient? Overall I unfortunately find myself not caring about W’s situation with her mom like I think i should. Or maybe its just that there’s too much focus on her feelings with her mom and not enough on her first date with N—the balance is off. I might be more upset about her leaving and ending the date early if I saw that W and N were having a better time. 1. Both yes and no. We miss out on cute date moments and focus too much on serious mom talk. Which is fine, but there needs to be a balance. Otherwise, Im not really connecting to them. I couldn't relate to anything in this chapter. sorry >.< 2. Hmm...I dont really have much of an opinion on W. She has had relatable moments in the previous chapters but overall i dont LOVE her. Like, she's alright. And this could be because of wrs since I haven't read about her in a while. i still love N but he was "eh" this chapter. There isn't anything that makes him stand out in this chapter. I feel like N and W sort of speak the same way. ~(okay, interruption. I just read Radio Silence by Alice Oseman and wowie i loved it. I dont usually read contemporary YA novels so this surprised me! I REALLY related to the main characters and I LOVED the relationship between the two main characters (it was a platonic relationship and quite amazing). The two really loved eachother and the dialogue always felt realistic, even when they talk about their sexuality it feels realistic and not forced. Also, I didn't really care for the POV character in the beginning (she was alright but not my fav) because she was all about school and stuff but then the further into the story we get, I started to love her. Idk if this helps at all...but i do recommend it… for the dialogue, likeable characters, and character relationships, and just in general (unless youve already read it... ) okay interruption over)~ Anyway, yeah, Im not sure exactly what it is about W. maybe its the combination of her dialogue and internal thought. maybe she could use this date as an opportunity to try to distract herself from her worries about her mom, like she really tries to be present and it comes off a little awkward but endearing until she cant resist telling N about whats going on and he helps her with some decent advice and its a sweet moment. I think the dialogue we have now is hindering the scene. I assume what I just described is what you're going for...(or maybe thats how the previous version was, i cant remember) but it falls flat for me as it is. We need more cute teenage moments to make the scene less serious. And maybe more insight into her thoughts. its a first date and they're both kinda awkward and yet I didn't really see any of that here. This chapter has a lot of potential! It just needs some ironing out. I went back and skimmed the previous version and it just always feels like W and N are talking about external things...like W's parents. I dont feel like im really getting to know either of them. Oh! that's it. I want to get to know them more that's probably not helpful, but I dont feel like I learned anything about them in this chapter. Okay, I guess we learned more about N and his "rage" but... hmm... i want more, i think. But thats why i told you about that book i just read. Because I did fall in love with the characters and I felt like i really knew them and I saw how much they loved eachother (platonically) and I can't exactly describe what it is. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful! I know I sound like i thought this chapter was terrible but I really didnt! I think you're headed in the right direction! Now you just have to find a good balance and tweak a few things! Easy, right!? Heh. *sweats*
  5. Hello! Welcome to the group! That's awesome that you're a sommelier! I'm gonna be honest that I had no idea what that was until I looked it up just now. But very cool! Stoked to read your stuff!
  6. No need to apologize about the adverbs! After reading Stephen King's On Writing, I try to not use adverbs and instead just get better at describing. (that simple, huh?) <-- (sarcasm, its not that simple) Yeah, I struggle with this as well. I just finished The Fires of Vengeance by Evan winter and I remember near the beginning there was this scene that totally could've been boring and not engaging but — okay, im realizing this wont help you because: there was a sleeping dragon in the room and the main character was seeing things that werent there. But the conversation was kind of info dumpy i think. I actually don't remember the conversation that well but I remember the tension being really high. So uh... yeah Hmm, I would actually suggest pushing him more and making him seem more suspicious because that would definitely increase the tension! I got the sense that he was worried about something unrelated to Al.. like it was work between R and Ga. Specifically in their interaction at the top of page 3. It seemed like he was looking for something or awaiting news of some sort but i didn't get the impression that he was being completely confidential about it... he could probably be more suspicious. And when he asked about the concert, i didnt catch that he was trying to steer the conversation or gain control of it in any way, it just felt like he was having casual conversation with Al. Oh, but i see now that Al noted his enthusiasm seemed forced further down on page 3. Perhaps it was because I have that tendency to glaze over the in-between descriptions in order to read dialogue. I guess all this is to say that his strangeness didn't land for me either because it was too subtle or because I have never met him so I don't have any expectations of him. Maybe he is always jittery and awkward? I mean, Al can point out that he is being weird but I wouldn't be able to make that connection myself without having previous knowledge about his character. It is really early on in the story tho so I don't know how much this matters. Another thought: So yeah R is being suspicious and that's obviously setting him up for something later on, but i think we spend too much time with him in this chapter. You know how you usually want things to do more than one thing for you? Like a conversation can be about one thing that's important for us while also showing us another thing that is also important? Well I feel like the meeting between Al and R is only doing one thing at a time (for most of the meeting). I could be wrong about this and not thinking as critically about it as I should, but that's just my thought lol Oh wait! Back to my earlier example about that book i read. That conversation/scene was doing like three things at once. There was tension between the characters because they had opposing ideas, important infodumpy information, and it showed that the main character may be losing his mind. Though, that's not really relevant to your story because there isn't as much going on, but you get what i mean. Also, please feel free to ignore me because im ranting at this point. As I do. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about G too much right now. Or even Al, because you can always go back and add things to make him shine later lol Probably, yes. And this is also probably majorly because of WRS. I didn't get a strong sense that they were opposed to magic because they use the stones and healers and the king had that magistrate use magic. I mean, the king did say— wait. I just remembered that the king said he didn't want to use his brother's healer and then Al walked in to find him with Isr. Okay, this is 100% wrs because I cant quite remember how that conversation with Al and the king went regarding the magistrate, and if Al convinced the king to use the healer. Anyway, yeah i would make it clearer that the family is supposed to be really opposed to magic. That would make seeing Isr using magic way more intense. Also yes, I would also make it clearer that Al's goal is to make magic more acceptable. Yes absolutely it could be wrs! I tried to think about it this way tho: Isr=1 chapter, Al=3 chapters. I went into this thinking Isr would be the main main character but then after her chapter we got 3 chapters with Al so it threw me off. But thats not to say that doing it that way is wrong. I just didn't expect it. Yes, that makes sense. Again, i think this is wrs. Its okay! I usually do the opposite and under-explain which leaves the reader very confused and in the dark.
  7. Overall First off, i want to say that your writing is still really good. I never notice your sentence structure or vocab usage and that's a good thing! I'm not pulled out of the story because of bad writing. Good job on that front! Second, I found myself leaving and coming back to critiquing this chapter a lot. I didn’t feel like there was anything keeping me here and engaged. I think this chapter’s main problem is lack of tension and stakes and there not really being any sense of progress. Of course, i dont know how the story will go, so some of the information here could be very vital. And i do see bits of things being set up, but it feels hidden and bogged down and tensionless. 1. I do agree with @RedBlue in that it did feel too slow to me and I had no idea where the story was heading. I didn't know why Al met with R for a while and even then im not really sure what we gained. My engagement was fairly low for most of this except when Al and R were talking about his mothers crimes (which didn't go far, but i felt like we were getting somewhere with that) and then with Isr holding the fire ball. 2. I noticed some obvious things that are hidden from the reader but i figured they would be explained later so i didn't let them prevent me from reading. Its not so much confusion as it is a promise(s) that I expect to be made good on. (like what Al's mom's crimes are and how R would be continuing them and what R is worried about) 3. I have no clue where I stand with G because he tries to be funny but also he was kinda wimpy in front of the king but also really aggressive with Al. I've just seen so many sides of him that im not sure what to think exactly. Al is the same to me as last chapter. I don't feel like I learned anything new from him in this chapter. Very neutral. There wasn't much of Is but she is still stubborn for sure so that's in character. 4. Most interesting part for me was when Al saw Is sitting up. Even then tho, there is so much room for an increase in tension/stakes. It wasnt terrible but you could definitely make it more... exciting? i guess thats the word i want. as i go: pg 1 “Loaned palace servant” lol rent a palace servant for only 2 gold per day! A spectacular deal! “Al stopped short.” where was he going? Just pacing? “Take me to him” this feels abrupt to me, like we are starting in the middle of a chapter rather than the beginning. And the servant conveniently brings up the meeting Al forgot about. Idk, It just feels...convenient? Thats the only word i cant think of. Maybe its because i didn’t know what Al was doing in the beginning. “It was a little early” this might work better if i had previous knowledge of it… or maybe it just seems like, “oh he forgot about this meeting and now all of a sudden he is going to be early for it?” -also, it should be noted that i didnt expect us to be in Al’s pov this long. I get that Isr is in a poison coma of sorts but still. I thought we might get back to her sooner. pg 2 “Had an appointment this morning” i thought he was referring to the appointment with R but i think he meant another appointment unrelated. pg 3 -”did you attend the concert?” starting to wonder where this is going pg 4 -i think you could cut or condense the paragraph at the top. Right now, none of this information feels useful or relevant. Plus, you could show that R is a genius rather than telling us. If his brains are important to the story, perhaps show him in action doing something that only he could do because of his big brain lol -im still wondering where this is going. So far, he’s just chilling with this random smart dude and looking through the mail “I overhead at the banquet” what banquet? I think i confused this with mention of the concert from earlier so i was like “wait but al said he wasnt able to go so how could he overhear anything?” afterthought: this is probably unimportant and im probably being too nitpicky about this -”what his old teacher had said” didn’t connect right away that “old teacher” was referring to R lol pg 5 “Al said uncertainly” ahem… probably an unnecessary adverb -im assuming we are going to learn why R is being weird eventually but i feel like… we are at page 5 and havent reeeallly made any progress or learned anything. “R sat down stiffly” hmm unnecessary adverb. But also you dont need the stiffly adverb because the next clause gives a hint about his stiffness, with his precisely placed hands and all. “letting out a breath and dropping his hands” okay so i think there is a lot of this happening between dialogue which is totally fine but i also think it bogs down the dialogue if you do it too much, so i might consider cutting a lot of these descriptors. I just feel like, at times, they are too specific and i usually gloss over them so i can get to the dialogue. -most important thing I'm picking out of this meeting so far is “mother’s so-called crimes” and R being involved in that/continuing her efforts. but idk who R is and why this matters. what are the stakes? “I get my feet under me here” i know this is a saying, but it sounds odd to me here. -tension has definitely been lacking this whole time until a little bit on page 5 when Al asks R whats up pg 6 “Its an odd, you know” typo “Shall we see with the count” typo pg 7 “You’ll have to check with the healer” for what? A stone? Didn’t Al say he already had one? edit: oh he meant to see if Al can go get what he needs from the trunk? because Isr is in there. (you'll see my revelation further down about Isr) “His accent betrayed that this was” betrayed? Was he trying to hide it? “If you are going to risk waking her” ohhh she is in that room? I didn’t connect that. But yes that would make sense since that's where he was staying. WRS! (also, in my head, she couldve moved rooms or something) pg 8 “I’d like to see his face” im a bit unsure about G’s personality but i dont think that’s a huge problem at this point “G returned cheerily” im going to be annoying and point out this adverb as well. I dont think you need to get rid of all of them, hence why i havent pointed out all of them, but i dont like this one here. Maybe something like “with a smug look on his face” would work better. Or something that describes how he is cheery rather than flat out saying “cheerily.” “He said begrudgingly'' not a fan of this one either since you have a good description directly after it, but its your call “Princess Is leaning up in bed” ah yes, peak interest pg 9 Why wouldnt the healer come with Al to watch and make sure he doesnt doing anything sneaky? pg 10 “Hadn’t the king tasked G with finding a” did he? I must have forgotten that
  8. Sorry I haven’t critiqued the last few chapters! I’ve only been able to do like 1 or 2 a week, but I have been reading the story and I have time for this chapter now! 1. No boring or confusing parts! There's just some things that can be trimmed/cut, specifically the conversation/arguing between GM and C in T's house. 2. For the most part! I think i make notes for any actions that dont make sense in my lbls. Overall I love the progress that's been made in recent chapters! This one felt more like it was building up to something (especially with V and whatever is going to be produced from T's sacrifice), but i didn't have any major problems. I like that C was able to stand up to GM and that GM seems to be on the road to a redemption of some sort. I'm curious to get more answers about everything! as i go: pg 1 “V was here to keep an eye” was he though? He’s been gone for a while… where he at? “Takes as a good sign” C no! That's not a good sign! Vegetable person is missing! pg 3 -”my parents’ journal” wait why did she think it was a good idea to burn this journal?? Is it because it’s a big sacrifice? to keep the town going? “the journal she has spent so long looking for” has she spent long looking for this journal? I know she was looking for the answers it contained, but did she specifically know there was a journal? pg 4 “the green boy took years” makes sense why no one was surprised by his appearance “the only person waiting is Ant-” i didn’t know who this was at first or what the implication was for the next line. Because he is useless? pg 6 “one without the oil stains” lol what “You know, the bad one” LOL -agree with @C_Vallion that their arguing does go on a bit long pg 8 “another sacrifice out of T” you can make a sacrifice more than once? “When the room stops tilting?” she okay? pg 9 “Wait! You need me!” girl if you wanna be part of the group stop manipulating people like this pg 10 “Do you though?” GM what’d you do with V? >:( “I wouldn’t be so sure” I get that maybe C doesn’t believe GM but like V has been missing for a while so i kinda wish she’d take this more seriously. pg 11 “How long can you stay here?” she means in the town, right? Not at her house? lol
  9. Yeah, that's fine with me. Send it whenever you're ready!
  10. Overall I think this chapter suffers from the same thing as the previous chapter: wordiness. There’s a lot here that can be cut. BUT the general bones and arc of this chapter is good. I think the tension is good– though cutting this chapter down will increase the tension even more– and I love the whole thing with the judge being able to condemn(...kill) people who have done wrong, as well as that power being used via magistrates and stones and spells. 1. i didnt have a major problem with the ending, it just felt like a lot of the tension was lost at that point and not knowing anything about the judge didn't help. Going back and reading it now, it hits different. but the first time reading it was just kinda meh. I dont have any solid advice on how to improve though sorry. 2. I like that Al mistakes the whole situation as the king wanting to force him to confess to something he didnt do. He obviously views the king in a negative light and is afraid of him so he assumes the king is out to get him. however, because of Al's internal thought, im not quite able to grasp what the king is thinking. I have no idea where things are going until Al spells it out for me. I kind of note more on this further down. 3. I don't have a complete picture of Al yet. He feels neutral to me. And i dont have strong opinions about other characters yet either. So far, i think the king is pretty fair and understanding despite how Al views him. 4. All the stuff around when G said he wanted to confess and then again when Al thought the king was trying to weed out his "treasonous" doings was engaging. as i go: pg 1 -agree that there should be a smoother transition into this chapter. I had trouble remembering where we were/left off last chapter even though I just read it a few days ago. Just something small like, “(the next morning) Al was staring at the ceiling after a night of shotty sleep when a knock at the door startled him. He blinked stupidly at the guard….etc” just so we know where we’re at and how much time has passed right away. “Spending half the night staring at the ceiling” lol i didn’t even know this was here when i suggested the edit above. pg 2 “That would have to wait until it wouldn’t set off another episode” i assume the episode is the panic attack but this sentence feels vague pg 3 “His majesty has questions” alright, this is good. This makes me want to read on. But there was a lot of meandering to get here. There was a lot of mention of Al’s sleeplessness, you can probably cut a lot of that. You can also probably cut some of the descriptions surrounding dialogue. For example, at the very end of page 2 when Al says “thank you,” i think the sentence before that can be cut– it didn't add anything for me. There's a few sentences like that where we get too specific. I can imagine most of this stuff on my own. Another example: last paragraph on page one. The very first sentence is quite wordy and can be cut down. -”i hadn’t expected” we start with dialogue again after the short pause (and this is probably personal preference) but i think starting instead with “the room wasn’t large” would help me picture things better since i have no idea where we are at the start. Maybe tell us which room we are in exactly. “The king’s office/council chamber/whatever wasn’t large, but….” -“He couldn't help but find…” and “a wolf circling...” these can probably be combined in some way to shorten it. I feel like this is another instance of wordiness. pg 4 “wasnt Judgebound… formally Accuse him... make a Confession” lots of capitalization going on. Is a Confession like a confession but with the power of… a higher power (judge)? Also… accuse him of what?? confused on this page pg 5 “hands clasped too tightly at his back” wasn’t he sitting? How were his hands at his back? “she asked perfunctorily” there's a lot of adverbs in this chapter. You can probably cut a lot if not all of them. pg 6-8 “G wishes to confess” ah, yes, the meat of the situation... whatever that means -confused tho because G didn’t do anything wrong… so it feels all for naught. I mean i guess it introduced us to the judgement process which makes the ending line have a bigger punch. Tho, it might be an even bigger punch if someone actually um..burned (but its probably too early for that) edit: i guess G’s actions make sense because he feels guilty. in my head i was just like, "G, you're wasting everybody's time, the king isn't gonna let you die for not knowing EXACTLY what was going on with the princess." -i like the idea of the stones and the judge and the magistrate and the fire. Good stuff pg 9 “G saluted, right fist to chest” Shinzou wo sasageyo??? attack on titan?? no? just me? okay... pg 10 “This road of yours” where you going with this your majesty?? pg 11 “A question of treason” eeek pg 13 “There will be questions. Someone will recognize the symptoms." confused about what he is implying. why would people think that Al has anything to do with the poisoning? perhaps there should be a bit more clarification with the logic (on page 12) of why Al would be associated. I dont see how the location of the poison has anything to do with Al. but even so, if the king's word is final, or the judge, then why would it matter if someone tries to "make the pieces fit"? the king saw Al use the truth stone so he knows he had nothing to do with it. I guess i dont quite fully understand how the laws and trials and stuff work here. It makes sense that the king is worried about civil war but im not clear on how much power the king holds over everyone and how likely a civil war is. "others would be glad to have an excuse" but what power do "they" have? pg 14 Good ending line! Specifically the part about Al’s parents being sent to judgement (now that i know what judgement is).
  11. Overall definitely a lot of confusion, but once you trim this chapter down and clear some things up, it'll be a great chapter! I really loved the ending when B told Or that E was looking for her. I also liked that Or got to see alt At, but that part could probably be trimmed as well. I was a bit unclear on the stakes when Y had said Or would get shot if she loitered because when it seemed like Or was in a place she wasn't supposed to be, the people at the end were like "oh no, you saw too much, huh? we'll give you a refund and discount at the shop! :)" as i go: pg 3 -i read through these first pages really quickly. Good light humor! “that she could feel in her throat but hear” not hear? “Should i go over there? Buy her something?” i was a bit confused about some of what Y was saying. I assume this is supposed to be humorous but it fell a little flat for me “Excellent. now, i cant hear you” she didn’t give Y any response tho. Why’d they say “excellent”? Edit: oh was it something on the readouts that Y took as an indication that Or could hear? pg 4 “This is a touch less terrifying” more terrifying than something called the void/mirror universe?? She must really be afraid of Ard lol pg 5 “Loitering can get a being shot” didnt Y just say that Or would be loitering in the lobby? I guess… loitering in the wrong place would get you shot? pg 6 “Something wiggled and itched” eeeeee pg 7 “Upper-level bird meeting” you dont hear that everyday pg 8/9 -you could probably trim some stuff on these pages, with the door not opening and whatnot -also im not quite sure what her goal is here. The doc wasn't too clear on that. I feel like if i was in Or’s shoes, i would be confused as hell. -maybe mention the map more, i actually forgot that she was following a map. wait, she is right? the one on her palm? -confused about the steps on page 9 “That meant time to go” but i feel like she didnt do anything… maybe she didnt need to tho. Y only wanted her to visit for like samples orrr information? I cant remember >.< “The dome melted” wait like the ceiling?? pg 10 -im confused where she is at now, is she viewing all this in a mirror or is it actually happening? “Voids. Mirror.” ohh it is a mirror... i think pg 11 “Or ran into the young forest” confused about whats real and whats not, very trippy pg 12 “Y should have given her some cliff notes” yeah, they really shouldve “At” oooo juicy pg 16 “I dont know dave” lmao the sass “No one is willingly going to swallow fungi, dave” yeah, dave, jesus -i love the bird names pg 20 “Like the N people” doesnt Or know this? Since she is N… pg 24 Awesome ending with E!
  12. 1. Yes, this is definitely better than the previous version! He seems like he is more focused on dealing with his panic attacks and worrying about what this all means in the greater scheme of things. 2. I don't mind Al observing the interaction with the king and queen and everything else. but even so, i think you did better this time around making Al more active. 3. I wouldn't say there is too much happening, but there definitely feels like too much bogging down the important parts (words, not things happening). I think the main thing to focus on here is cutting back everything unnecessary, like wordiness and some of the chunks of internal thought. A lot of things can be said in much fewer words. 4. I think i note this in my lbls as i go: pg 1 “connecting this impending disaster to an older more personal one” vague mention of past trauma? “he said without slowing. What would the man do” hmm i feel like he should be more demanding here. Its feels a bit slow with him worrying about his lack of authority rather than the immediate danger of the princess pg 2 “He thought he’d left that behind” ah, yes, the trauma -halfway through this page and then on page 3, i gain more interest. The story picks up more. pg 6 -hmmm im not clear on why he thought he should go to the tournament area. He just looks more suspicious. I guess it was his irrational thinking and panicking. Still, it felt out of place. -ah, it was to get the other guy here (G). I see now.. sort of. actually, wait, why does G even need to be there? pg 8 -“Why hadnt he just gone to sit with D and the others?” im confused by this line, idk who the "she" is referring to. Like earlier in the tournament? also I cant remember who lord D is, sorry >.< was he in chapter one or only introduced here? wrs possibly pg 13 -“Al went throught the events” i think a lot of sentences like this can be cut back. It would get the same point across if you cut out the second half of the sentence. -”queen Es walked in” hmm losing steam here. With the king and queen coming in, it feels like this should be a more dramatic event than how i actually see it. Like, everyone is concerned for the princess but this is only the second chapter so all their worries fall flat for me because i know she’ll be okay. So when the queen walks in all worried im thinking “alright, lets move on.” the queen’s reactions, her shaky breath and worried gazes, might work better if i felt like there was actual danger. ...unless the princess doesnt recover... then.... ignore me. -“this was what the healer had wanted” why wouldn’t she just ask him to leave before trying to trick him? Healer: “Perhaps you should go to your new quarters while i fix this” Al: “no, i dont think i will” Healer: “fine... by the way, how are your wounds? use this stone to heal yourself” or something. Idk, it would make sense for her to try to trick him into sleeping if he had refused to leave in the first place. i didn't really see him argue too hard for staying in the room. ooh yeah, you could play up his panicking, make it almost comical (which would make him more relatable i think) and have the healer say that he is interfering with her work and stressing her out and after he refuses to leave (because he wants to be helpful even tho he isnt) she tries to trick him into using the stone. Idk, feel free to ignore my random thoughts lol. You could also do what @RedBlue said, have her explain that he might want to leave before the king/queen come. pg 15 “You cant do this” I am a bit confused about everyone’s positions on this page. Sorry, i have to talk it out to understand everything lol. So the king and queen know the healer is a mage and the queen wants to use the healer/mage to save their daughter even tho its against the law and Al realizes that the healer must be a mage because the queen wouldn't ask for a diff healer otherwise. But the king refuses the queen’s request and says he wont break the laws. and Al wants the king to break the laws and use the mage even tho thats what killed his parents? And G was going to argue for the use of the mage as well but the king shut that down quick. I guess im confused about G’s actions when he pulls away Al. edit: so i started reading this earlier this morning and had a hard time connecting everything, so my confusion could entirely be my fault. pg 17 “If she dies—” i feel like at this point, a lot of the tension is lost so this doesnt hit like it should
  13. -C seems much more competent in this version (of chapter 8)! I like that there are stakes too! It felt like before it was just C struggling with finding answers and it was frustrating but now there are ominous consequences as well and that's great! I also like that in these recent chapters, C gains more confidence and takes more action. -no boring or confusing bits! I was pretty engaged throughout! and all the character's actions make sense. -I kind of hope this is going in the direction of GM and C having to team up and work together. GM still seems crazy and obsessed but im starting to pity her a lot, especially since she is like deteriorating. as i go: pg 3 -“the girl seems not to have the energy” I like how she is slowly descending into.. something bad. I wonder if all the adults went through the same thing. pg 4 “D just explained that its time” oooo spooky pg 6 “we’re the only two who haven’t given up” hmmm -also GM reminds me of Carmelita Spats from a series of unfortunate events pg 8 “With T or with GM” oh they’re happening at the same time? Good ending! It definitely makes me want to read on. I don't have much to say because this was one of the better chapters! I feel like we are so close to getting more answers.
  14. Heyo! Overall, decent chapter! The biggest problem for me was that there was quite a bit of dialogue that felt off, but it's easily fixable (I hope)! I was very interested in N being able to smell sunburns, and I'm eager to know more about his family. The date didn't quite land the way I would've liked; there are cute moments but i think some of the lines take me out of it. An awkward date can be really cute but it just didnt work for me here. I think @RedBlue sums up perfectly what I thought about the date: I didn't get a huge sense of romance between W and N, which is fine, but if you played it up a bit, it would really pack a punch near the end when everything turns to poop. as i go: pg 1 -“stop it with your pessimism” was something they said pessimistic?? -“not like you’d know” ouch. Maybe this wasn't meant to be passive aggressive but that's how i read it pg 2 -“Since im getting credit for tutoring” i feel like this is leftover from before when N visited W formally in the tutor setting. But W helped N unofficially by the pond, right? So, she wouldn’t be getting credit for it. pg 3 agree, unless she is meaning to be theatrical. I've done this (more than most people probably) where I intentionally speak in a dramatic way, accent and everything, just for fun. it probably would have to be more clear that that's what she's going for, if she is. -“Neither of us can drive on our own” so they aren’t 16 yet? orrr.. they just dont have their licenses. I don't know if i knew that. I must've. It may be wrs pg 6 -yeah i would cut out a lot of the talk between W and her parents. pg 7 -“Food and boys are both good. Do you have any thoughts?” this is innocent and cute, i think, but it feels stilted. Mostly the “do you have any thoughts?” bit -“But can you really say its living without love?” oof boy N is very cheesy and awkward on this page— this paragraph in particular. -“They're drawing me in like you’re a siren” i really dont know what it is but he just sounds way too formal. Its the same problem I had with chapter 5. It feels robotic, but i'm not even sure if thats the right way to describe it. Stilted, probably. pg 8 -“For a full couple of minutes” idk why, and this may be a personal thing, but i feel like it would be weird to have someone sing to me for a few minutes. I'm real awkward though, and I just wouldn't know where to look while they're singing to me. pg 9 -“What language was that, also?” probably sounds better without also pg 10 -“What do you think, B-D?” wait were they considering letting N pay? Idk about that pg 11 -“Occasionally he sniffs the air and frowns” lol what is he smelling? pg 12 -“You know how when people are sunburned” omg what pg 15 -“explain the situation to N for me” typo?
  15. Sorry I was MIA last week! I did read chapter 10 but I didn't really feel like I could provide any valuable feedback that wasn’t already said. So we continue forward As i go: pg 1 -i agree that this epigraph could be moved up earlier so we get a better sense of B’s motivations. She becomes more than just a “sexy savior” -“Souvenirs, boring things” very curious where this is going -also curious why Or is specifically doing this job. I assume B has a reason for not doing it… but idk what it is. Edit: it's sort of explained further down on page 8. -also, if Y wanted to pay Or for a job, couldnt that have been the exchange for Or’s medical bills? If you can't pay, then do this job for me and your bills will be settled, with money to spare. -maybe it would work better if Ard doesn't end up paying for her bills so that way she has to do this job? idk pg 5 “White material shifted in her ear” eeeeeee pg 6 “Any unprotected cellulose gets pulled” oooh is this what happened with the other gang that got pulled into the void? “For phase two which I'm not allowed” wait but Y never said not to ask, I thought. it was more of an assumption on Or’s part pg 7 “B set a glass of water down for both of them” are they sharing one cup of water or do they each get one? pg 8 -so is Y gonna send Or into the void?? pg 9 “If diddling around… gets me legit passage to Ard” wait does it?? I thought it was just for money pg 11 “Remember what is here” so ominous Overall, I didn’t have any major issues with this chapter. I think you could merge this chapter and last chapter for sure, as long as you cut a few things back. I feel like we were in the hospital for a while (could be WRS tho) and I sort of wanted things to move on, which they did in this chapter. But also, on the flipside, there's a lot of information that we need and emotional beats that are important so I'm not exaaactly sure what you should cut. But yeah, good job as always