sniperfrog

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About sniperfrog

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    Casually making bad choices since 2005
  • Birthday 02/22/1992

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    Male
  • Location
    Indianapolis
  • Interests
    Reading, Writing, Gaming, Playing Bass

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  1. So I have been workshopping this for a couple months now. I needed a prologue that set the stakes for my characters while also making sense with the rest of the timeline. This is basically split into three parts. I have been trying to get these ironed out, but I know there are still a few wrinkles here and there. My previous prologue was not very good. I wanted to have a look at the events leading up to the end of the Starfalls, but the more I worked on the story, the less it mattered to the plot. So I took a couple of flashbacks and rewrote them to be the prologue. Hopefully this helps establish who my characters are and their motivations in the rest of the story. The part titled The Last Day is basically a stand alone passage that establishes some events that are delved into a bit later. I felt like this would fit in the beginning to give readers a bit of something to look forward to. It is meant to be a little bit on the cryptic side. I am mostly looking for feedback on whether these events set up the motivations of the characters from my previous submissions in a believable way. Particularly the scene in the Guild Hall, as this basically explains the reasons for P and C to be hunting the Knights in the first place. Also, let me know how the dialogue feels in this scene. I feel like it could still use some touching up in areas. For a little reference, I have mathed out my character ages to save you guys the trouble. P and C are twins. In the prologue they are around the age of five in our years (seven in world) and about 25 (37 in world) once the story gets back into the present. V is about 21 (30 in world). I had originally written this to be a 20 year gap between the story and prologue, but I decided that I wanted the characters to be a little older, so I changed this to a 30 year gap instead. Hopefully this isn't too confusing. You'll have to let me know if that even makes sense. I have attached my timeline to this. It includes some worldbuilding information and a synopsis for most of the chapters I have written so far. A few of these are just plot outlining things, but overall they help me keep things straight. I also attached my map. It isn't quite finished, but all of the important bits are in place.
  2. It's been several months since my last sub, but I think I am finally ready to get some more of my work out there. I have been doing a lot of work trying to iron out my timeline and calendar so that my characters are at believable ages for the actions they are taking, but I think I might have finally gotten it right. I just realized I might be too late for this week. If so, I would like to get a slot for next week instead, just let me know.
  3. So it has been awhile since my last critique, so bare with me on this one. I want to start off by saying I went back and read over your previous subs to get up to speed and I’m liking what I’ve read so far. The world is interesting and I find this curse very intriguing. One thing it took me a while to get my head around is that this is written in present tense, which I'm not sure I’ve ever seen before. It makes it a little hard to follow at first, but once I got used to it, it got a lot easier to follow. Now, onto the critique. I like the way you describe A. He reminds me of my step-father with the way he acts, telling his stories and wanting to help, though he really isn’t able to. I get the feels for that type of thing. I gotta say, I am really enjoying the names for your characters. It really gets me interested in who they are and what they are about. As far as your questions about tone, I think that this is fine. There aren't really any big changes that I see, though I do want to mention that at the end it could maybe use a little more sense of mystery. I think that most of the thought processes are just fine, with T’s decision to check out the barn on her own being pretty good overall. She seems like a very curious character and this fits that pretty well. I’m a little confused about the green raven character, but I think I may have missed something from one of the earlier subs about him. I went back and re-read the other subs and I have not found anything that helps with this. It seems a little weird that everyone is just cool with a talking raven that can change forms. I would at least expect there to be some more questions regarding him. After reading, I am liking what you have so far. The biggest changes I would make if it was my work are probably to go to a more standard past tense. Ok. After re-reading the second submission, the tensing makes a lot more sense. I think I see what you are going for here and I love it. There is a lot of mystery surrounding this curse and I can’t wait to see what the children can find out. There is a pretty big lack of sense of wonder, which could use some work, I think. This curse is doing some work for me here, but I think that some better defined explanations could go a long way with helping this problem. All in all, the way things are shaping up makes me want to know more, which is definitely a good thing. I am looking forward to seeing more subs from you.
  4. Hey everyone. Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my sub. As always, your feedback is super helpful. I have given it a few days to sink in and I think that, while I still have a lot of things to improve upon, this is the best piece I have written so far. Ch's character is close, but needs some tweaking with his interactions and dialogue. This. This is something that several of you mentioned that I feel is really important and I have missed here for sure. The stakes are not clear and so the scene lacks the tension that I want to create. I have trouble with giving the reader enough knowledge to give the stakes more weight and I am going to work on this some more. I want to highlight that this is not negative. It signifies that the plot is not coming across convincingly and it is not working the way it is meant. This sort of comment is the type that helps me the most. Thank you for being completely honest and not sugarcoating it for me. I really want to tell this story right and comments like this are what open my eyes to the types of changes I need to make for that to happen. I am agreeing with this sentiment more and more as I look back at the combat scenes I have written so far. This goes back to some of the things mentioned above. So this highlights my lack of education in some critical areas. It is obvious I need to do a little more research on some of these things. Thanks @Snakenaps and @Sarah B for the impromptu lessons here. There were a lot of comments about gender roles and stuff as well, particularly in regard to Ch and An's interactions and I think that it is definitely something that needs worked on. I really appreciate you giving it a shot! Overall, I think that your comments will be really helpful for me. There are definitely some things that need to be worked on, but I really like what I have so far. I have been making some changes to the plot and characters and I feel things are really coming together. Thanks again for being so supportive and helpful.
  5. Hey everyone! Hope your New Year's Celebrations went well. This week, I am submitting a chapter from the same story as before, but this is from the perspective of a new MC. I am working out a timeline and the events in this chapter take place before my previously submitted work. I am not sure if I am going to move this ahead of the previous subs or not. I also have mixed feelings about the previous chapters anyway, so I will likely be making some major revisions to those. This is still an early draft, so LBLs are not necessary. If you see some egregious mistakes, though, don't hesitate to let me know. Combat is a place that I am looking to improve. Let me know if things are too hectic or hard to follow. I want there to be brutal fighting, so I am trying to convey that. My tone could also use some work. Let me know what sort of vibes you guys get off the tone here, so I can make adjustments accordingly. Dialogue is hard, and I am really bad at it. I have made several changes to dialogue in this section, but I'm still unsure of myself. Let me know how the dialogue flows here and if it feels natural. Last is Ch's Blade, V. I want to know how you feel about his interactions with the Blade and whether or not this works the way I want it to. Blades are not meant to be living entities (i.e. Shardblades), but they do have a bit of sentience in them. Like a more abstract personality. The map is finally here! It is not completely finished, but there is enough here to add it here for reference. I have also included my timeline and the calendar reference sheet, for easy use. This timeline will likely evolve into my main outline after it gets beefed up a bit. Let me know if you see anything that doesn't quite add up. Also, ignore any entries that have not yet been subbed, as they are still in the first draft phase and things will likely be changed. Thanks again for being so awesome!
  6. I think that the best way to be about it is if you feel there might be a call for tags, then probably it is a good idea to include them. Better to tag too much then not enough, IMO.
  7. Hey, thanks for submitting, I really enjoyed your sub. I read this at work and am only now getting an opportunity to critique, so I won't be able to do a super long critique. I liked the feel of the world and there were several things that got me interested in reading on. The spirit of the machine gave me some pretty cool vibes and I feel like there is a lot of space there that you can work in. The captain fell a little flat for me. He seemed very nonchalant and loose, with little concern for his well being. Isn't this supposed to be a dangerous mission? I could be wrong here. It was easy to feel the atmosphere and tone. I really got the feel of the steampunk vibe and I can dig it, until the electric flashlight thing. I agree with @Robinski about the lantern or something different. I don't really know much about steampunk, so I could just be wrong about this. Overall, I would likely read another chapter of this before deciding to keep going or not. There is just enough to get me intrigued, but not enough in the characters here to really grip me. Thanks again for submitting, I look forward to seeing what's next.
  8. I was hoping for a slot this week coming up. I need to kick start the year with some fresh eyes on what I've been working on.
  9. If these are going around, I could definitely use them. Thanks.
  10. I use worldanvil.com for my worldbuilding and reference notes (though everything is organized and written on paper first). They have a manuscript system that is similar to scrivener as well, but I haven't really used it much. I have been having trouble with the formatting and have lost my patience with it. As for my process of rewriting/editing drafts, I like to start a new doc and write out the new scenes, then I go back and compare with my old draft. This is maybe not the best way and I have been trying some new things lately to make a better system. I am more of an organic writer, though, and this helps me make changes without getting caught up on the fact that I am making changes. The project I'm on now has completely changed already once, with the axis of the story switching from a chosen one deconstruction to a revenge story. My characters are also constantly getting tweaked and moved around, with only three or four of them completely set in stone. My process is best described as controlled chaos, with all the pieces sort of floating around until I pull them into the story. It can be a bit stressful sometimes, which is why I have been trying to make changes to my process.
  11. Hey guys. I hope everyone had a good Christmas! It has been awhile since i was around last and I just wanted to fill you guys in on my progress this last month or so, which has not been much at all. Life kind of caught up with me and I haven't had much time to devote to my hobbies. Hopefully this will be getting better soon and I will be able to get to more critiques and subs. I have been trying to keep up with the subs that are being put in and I have been really enjoying them, I just have't had much time to get any useful critiques done on them. Also, Nanowrimo was a bit of a bust for me. I was able to hit 13k but I fell off pretty badly the last two weeks and couldn't manage much more. It was a great experience though, and I plan on taking part again next year.
  12. So I wrote a prologue, which is really just meant to give a little bit of backstory before the story kicks off. Let me know if it is too vague or not. After some consideration, I have decided to drop my last sub from the book and try to focus on the why in this iteration. The second half or so of this new chapter, was set up as the second chapter before, but I don't think that the first chapter did enough to warrant even being included. These chapters include some pretty bloody scenes, so just be prepared for that. I want to make the fight scenes brutal and realistic, so let me know if they need work. (I am really bad at them, so I felt this could be a cool way to do it) Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to read my stuff! I look forward to hearing what you think. I forgot to put Reading Excuses in the email subject line. Sorry.
  13. I'm not sure that the first two stanzas are necessary to get the metaphor across. When I read it without them, it still comes off fine and the meaning is still just as powerful for me.
  14. Ok. First off, this poem really hit me. I was raised by my grandmother and her health has been fading in recent years and I really felt this because of that. I like the metaphor with the seashell and i think you do a good job of making it work, but there are a couple lines (I think that's the word for it) that don't flow so well, the first two stanzas (I am almost positive that is the right word) in particular. Probably cutting them like @Mandamon mentions above or moving them around might help with this. I am not the biggest on poetry, but the content of this really did get my feelings moving, which pretty sure is the whole point of poetry, right? Now on to the prologue. First two paragraphs are pretty great. I like that there are stakes and we are immediately made aware of them. "As she let her feet rest..." Wouldn't this be claws? I guess I have not confirmed that Z is a dragon at this point, but feet, to me, implies a more humanoid creature than a dragon. I'm really getting a feeling for the stubbornness of the dragons from this. Good job getting it across in such a subtle way. This has me hooked. I think there is a lot here for just two pages and I want more so badly. The idea that something took the dragon's fire is super cool and I can see a multitude of things you can do with this. I can't wait to read more. Sorry I can't do a more exhaustive critique, but, to be honest, I'm not sure I can say much more than what the others have said.
  15. So I haven't had a chance to get to your sub until today, but I am at work, so I will have to keep my critique a little short today. I like D A LOT better in this version. their mannerisms really capture the "grumpy mechanic" really well and I feel like they have more personality This version is also much easier to follow for me. The sci/fi terms are easier for me to digest when they are spread out a little more with some more context. I usually try to not look up new words and instead learn them through context (which is probably not a good thing), and I felt that it was a lot easier this time around. Cutting the second scene seems to be working for this chapter. I think that, while the second scene was cool, it took away from D's story. It is hard for me to wrap my head around a bunch of new characters and having their intro chapters separate really helps me with this. That is, of course, just my opinion and it is something I am bad at doing in my own work. Overall, I really like the changes you have made and I really want to see where this is going. I like D more and more and I hope the rest of the characters are as well fleshed out as them. Great job. I look forward to the next chapter.