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21 Awakened Object

About sniperfrog

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    Casually making bad choices since 2005
  • Birthday 02/22/1992

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    Reading, Writing, Gaming, Playing Bass

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  1. Thanks guys! It has been pretty sweet so far. Only four days a week and I get to work with all my friends. @Robinski What a legend. That is amazing. I can see why it has lost its appeal for you.
  2. Started a new job last week. I have been busy with the transition, so I haven't had a lot of time for writing. Hopefully next week maybe.
  3. I think that these chapters are pretty good overall. I don’t think it would be a bad idea to combine these into one chapter actually, as they kind of fit together well. Maybe putting the chapter with S and DK in after this would feel pretty good, I think. I like that Am is nervous about seeing his family. I can feel his anxiety which is great. The part about seeing his father has me hooked and I can’t wait to see that conversation. I hope this helps, though it is mostly just my reactions to it. To be clear. I would have likely blown through these first chapters to see what is coming next. As I read: Chapter 2a: Pg 1: Keeperism? A bit on the nose there. Maybe too much. Are they in a desert or parched grassland? The description at the end of this page makes me feel more of the latter. The last chapter made it clear they were in a desert. Pg2: When Am stops here it feels very abrupt. I feel we need a little internal reasoning to set the reader straight. Chapter 3: Pg 1: The Birdrock is very cool. I have a distinct picture of it in my mind. Great job with your descriptions herer. Pg 2: Am’s reaction to questions of going to his home have me interested. Reading further, I can really feel Am’s sense of nervous anxiety during the conversation with his mother later on. Pg 4: Soldiers for that long and none of them were able to make a decent field bandage. At least H seems experienced enough to have made at least a half decent one. Pg 6: The scene at the end of this chapter feels great, but I think that this payoff will feel way better if the danger intensity of the scenes in the desert is ramped up a little more. Not sure why it is in bold. Ito won't let me change it though.
  4. Hey guys. This is my first time and I am excited and nervous all at once. This is the first chapter of my story. I look forward to your feedback. Maps will be coming later once I am able to get them finished up. This has been something I have worked on the worldbuilding for a long time. This first chapter took me about 6 months to get around to completing. Hopefully having fresh eyes on it will push me to get more finished. I am worried about tone and interactions between characters. I am not very good at dialogue and I want to make sure it feels natural. Thanks All. You are all awesome. I mean it.
  5. Sweet. I can't wait to find out what happens next. I look forward to reading more! Also, don't worry about the combat thing. It is hard to get the balance of engaging the reader, but not boring them. It is one of the things I am the worst at, to be honest, so I can sometimes look into it too much.
  6. I had never heard of this before. I think I might give it a shot. It sounds a bit daunting, but it should give me a little bit of motivation to get stuck into my other projects. I have been playing around with a couple characters, but they don't really fit in the project I first came up with them for. This could be a great outlet for it.
  7. Not 100 percent sure that this is still going on, but I would be willing to check out any novels that you guys have if you need alpha readers. I can't say that I am great at this, or even good for that matter, but I think it sounds like a swell idea.
  8. I will definitely be sharing. I am excited to get new eyes on the project, as my roommates are the only ones that I have shared with so far. Yes to pizza. Always yes to pizza. Unfortunately, my roommate is allergic to pets, so my cat Perseus had to go with my ex wife after the divorce. I unfortunately do not have any pics of him to post.
  9. I think I will be ready for my first submission on the 19th. I am still working out a couple of kinks, but it should be ready by then.
  10. Better late than never, I suppose. Let me start by saying I am new to this. I began writing about 7 years ago. More worldbuilding than writing, really, but I have finally starting getting into the prose side of things. It was a bit intimidating at first, but once I figured out what I wanted (which only took seven years) it started to become a lot more enjoyable for me. My background is in construction, so I don't find a lot of time for getting out my notebooks and working on my story, but that hasn't stopped me so far. I am currently only a couple chapters in and I will say that what you guys will see will already have been through two or three iterations by the time I will have the balls to share with the class. I am a bit weird, as I enjoy writing things down in my notebooks first before typing things up. I enjoy most levels of fantasy, but sci/fi can be a little hard for me to get into sometimes. Some of my favorites are: Brandon Sanderson, Wheel of Time, The Dark Tower, The First Law Trilogy, and David Eddings. I love characters that show their true natures, specifically characters with grey moral compasses. This is something I am hoping to bring out in my own characters, as I feel that it makes them much more relatable. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask! I look forward to working with everyone and am hoping to make some new friends as well.
  11. I will start off by saying that sci/fi has never really been my bag. That being said, I really like the first character and I feel that they come off as being the brilliant sciencey type while also being a bit of a loner. I think that there are a lot of terms being thrown around at the beginning that do not really get any sort of descriptions, which makes things a little hard to follow. The dialogue between the general and D comes off as confusing and I am having trouble following the plot here. Why is the general trying to kill off their own species? Or is that even what is happening? Did the general sabotage the coolant thing that D had to fix? This could use a bit of clearing up for me. If some of the terms were a little better explained, then it will probably help tremendously here. Also I am left with quite a few questions regarding this plague. Is the Z word the name of the disease or is it another species of aliens? The idea that it only affects one species is intriguing, but I feel could use a little more elaboration. Also, I'm not positive that the general wanting to kill off those that are left makes sense. Perhaps it is a combination of the aforementioned things, but I feel like a species on the brink of extinction would be more likely to try to survive, rather than commit mass suicide. The section with K reads a lot better, but there still were a few things that could use a little more explanation. I feel that these could all be addressed before this, though, so it probably is fine. I like how A just goes for it. That is a really good way to show his determination and resolve to do what needs doing. I feel that this is a good start, but without more explanation of the terms and disease, it falls a little short. Expanding the exposition in the beginning can go a long way to helping with these issues. Some of the sentence structuring also comes off a little cumbersome in places, as @Mandamon has already mentioned. Cleaning up these will also help make things a little easier to read. I hope this helps. I look forward to seeing where this goes!
  12. First thing I will say is: Hello all. This is my first week of reviewing your projects, so bear with me. I will try to keep things on a broader scale until I can hone in on the feedback you guys are looking for. Let me know if I am stepping across any lines, as I am very very new to this. Ch 1: It seems like the characters here are lost but they don't really have that "lost in the desert" feeling. The dialogue seems too lighthearted for what I am imagining to be a pretty dismal situation. Characters that joke when under pressure are great and all, but the situation comes off as not that big of a deal to me. I'm not really sure the best way to address this, but I feel like a few changes could really push the atmosphere in that direction. Unless, of course, that is not what you are shooting for, in which case, I'd say you fell somewhere in between. The banter between F and A pushes A's character, which I like, but I feel that H and F come off a little on the flat side. I think that characters telling bad jokes is usually fine, but when the joke comes off as confusing (i.e. the rice) maybe it is worth cutting all together. The other jokes are fine, I think. The woman in the desert still has me asking questions and I can't wait to get the answers to them, so kudos to you for that. Between it and the question of what will happen to A next after absorbing the light, I feel that making the second chapter a continuation of this would really push the reader into asking more of these questions, which I have always felt makes reading much more engaging. Ch 2: This chapter shows off some of the worldbuilding (i.e. unique ecosystem and creatures) which I am really enjoying. The combat could use a little tweaking as I feel that it is a little too specific in places, which comes off a little tedious. The dialogue between D and S also could use a little work. I felt that D comes off as too much badass desert girlfriend with not enough substance. All in all, i think that this is a pretty good start with a lot of potential. It is obvious that you have put a lot of work into the worldbuilding, which is always a massive part of any story, and it really shows in the final product. The characters could use a little more fleshing out, but two chapters is hardly enough to really judge this. A and S do come off as very similar characters, which does make since, as they are brothers, but I feel that they need to have more distinct differences. Even just little things like mannerisms can help this a long way. And last but not least, I love the map. I am a sucker for a good map and you deliver. It is hard to really know what everything is, but that is why we read the books, isn't it? Specifically, it is hard to tell if the desert is a part of the city state, or is it its own sovereign entity?
  13. Thanks. Also, Thanks to everyone else as well. I haven't been on any forums for a long while. It's nice to see that it is still pretty close to the same!
  14. I don't think I would have a preference, to be honest. I think that being chosen for a bond, would be enough. Now that I really think about it though. Truthseeker, probably, for the aforementioned Lightweaving and Healing people also is pretty great. Favorite ice cream favor is easy. Chocolate. Favorite villain is a bit harder. Probably due to the freshness, Sand dan Glokta from the The First Law Trilogy. But it is tight between him, Kefka from FFVI and Logen Ninefingers, who I ultimately decided had a shaky claim on being a villain to begin with.
  15. So far, I think that the Allomancy is probably my favorite with Lightweaving in at a close second. I like the way Sanderson uses a seemingly simple power and comes up with interesting ways for the characters to use them. Lightweaving is especially like this. It makes the reader constantly second guess the character's abilities, which makes things more exciting. That is of course just my opinion.