DramaQueen

The only beings so powerful that normal Narrators couldn't affect them!

But who was this "Fred"?

GUYS THE FANFIC IS COMING IT'S ACTUALLY TURNING OUT SO GOOD I'M AN EVIL GENIUS MWAHAHAHA BOW BEFORE ME

So the breads read the book of the dead, dreading bedtime and being led to Fred.

'Tis not true! We juniors are the coolest.

I've read that scene without crying 1/14 times, and that one time was just because I was in school and didn't want to cry. It took a lot of effort to hold back the tears.

I can appreciate being the character who dies to give the protagonist motivation. Just call me (Harry Potter spoilers)

Queen smiled. "Then I guess you'd better get back to helping me with these powers, huh?"

I found this a little confusing. Maybe say "On the handle was a knob that could switch between a concentrated and a spread setting of fire." or "On the handle was a knob to change the setting of fire to either a concentrated or spread setting." I initially thought that it was saying that it was on a concentrated and spread setting, so it might be better to make it clear that the knob changes from concentrated to spread, if that makes any sense. "the air of where he stood" sounds off. I'd suggest "the air where he had stood." That makes it clear that it was the air where he was, not where he is currently. It also gets rid of the "of," which I think was a large part of why that sentence seemed awkward to me. Oh! I found where that extra "of" was supposed to go! "plethora of gadgets" makes a lot more sense. The phrases "only able to" and "without doing x" makes it seem like the weapon is lacking. Try "only targeting what he wanted; not pulling his own weapons away." "crunched under shots" doesn't sound right. Maybe "crunched under the pressure" or "crunched under the shots"? I'm not sure. Play around with it for a bit! I'd add a "behind" right here. The way you've got it, it sounds like he is literally inside of the wall. "He stepped out from behind the wall" clears that up. I don't think you need both "immediately" and "on impact." Try just "on impact," maybe? I get that you'd want to emphasize how quickly...maybe "breaking right on impact" or "breaking as soon as it hit"? The word "problem" doesn't quite seem to fit here. Issue? Effort? Play with that some more, problem just sounds wrong to me. I think you probably edited this at some point, and forgot to get rid of "passed." Definitely fix that. There should be a comma after aside. * "Too late. They already did," Q said. "They did already" sounds weird. Well, that's all I've got for Chapter 1. I didn't notice anything on the Prologue, though. I don't know if I'll have time to read all the other chapters right now, but I'm sure excited to!! This looks incredible, Writer! I really like Q, though I may be a bit biased. (My character Queen, in the Fellowship of the Thing, initially introduced herself as and went by the name 'Q.') I'm also really curious as to how the prologue fits in with Q and Mithra.

I like flannel. I'm wearing flannel today! It makes me very happy. Also, try not to double post. The mods tend to get mad.