Spren of Kindness

So, I've been thinking a lot about non-permanence and love lately, specifically when it relates to memory.  

Life changes.  People change.  We as individuals change.  I used to despise romance.  Now I don't.  

Some of those changes are big.  Some are small.  Some are small, but seem big, or vice versa, depending on age and worldview and how they affect us.

Have you ever seen someone after a few months and they've got a different haircut, or the way they act has changed, and it throws you off?  Or you visit an older family member, and are surprised to find that somewhere along the line, you've caught up with or surpassed them in height?  Or maybe that loved one's memory is not as strong as it used to be.  Maybe you have the same conversation more than once in a space of time that makes your heart break, just a little, because you already know.  You remember.  But they don't.  Not anymore.

When I was younger, I took a lot of pictures on a road trip.  This was shortly after I learned that my grandmother had dementia.  It wasn't bad, not then.  But all the same, it made me realize, one day, I might not remember this place.  Or these people.  So I took those pictures to have a slice of tangible memory.  A shard of permanence.  

I still take pictures.  Not as much as I did back then, but I still try to capture the moments where I can.  My perspective has changed, somewhat.  Because pictures are great.  But it's what they make me remember that I want to keep.  The flutter of happiness I feel when I see a picture of my friends and I having fun, being silly, back when we didn't have cares or worries.  The bittersweetness of remembering the days when my grandparents were younger and more active, and I didn't know what growing old meant.  That strange feeling of seeing a picture of someone you like, and knowing it has a meaning for you that it may never have for them, and learning to be okay with that, but still hoping.

Life can feel like it stretches on forever, sometimes.  Or it can feel like a mere heartbeat in the face of eternity.  Many's the time I've said that our concept of years and days is a social construct, and maybe I'm misusing that concept.  But time is.  And we only have so much of it, and our lives will change during it, in so many ways.  So enjoy it.  Tell people you love them, or show them, or do both.  It can be the best thing someone hears or experiences.

Those are things that I've struggled with.  I still struggle with it.  Saying 'I love you' can be such a weighted phrase in a good and bad way.  But it's so important.  The times I've been told 'I love you' are some of my best memories, even if they happened in situations that were... not the best.  Knowing I was loved in those moments changes them in retrospect.

All this is a really long, round-about way to say the last two paragraphs.  I have no idea if it's coherent.  But I needed to say it.

It only took me a year, but I finally sewed my Edgedancer patch onto my military-esque jacket.

I think it turned out pretty good.

A year of procrastination for thirty minutes of work, that's a new record for me.

Kindness does a writing rant, vol. 2 yes, I've done one of these before, I didn't call it that.

Inserted in a spoiler box because I'm like that.

Ah yes.  The feeling when you realize that school is greatly exacerbating your possibly preexisting mental health issues, but you don't realize that and therefore don't tell your parents until the school year is almost over.  

On a side note, I think that it's hilarious that I went from 'oh, this is teenage angst and something I can deal with' at the beginning of May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month, to 'oh heck, that's not supposed to be normal and I might not be able to deal with that on my own' by the end of the month.

The awareness was done with all the grace and precision of painting the underside of a 2x4.

While I did not forget it was my Shardiversary today, I wasn't going to post anything about it.  Well, no more!

It's pretty wild that I've been on here for two years, and I'm a hundred posts shy of three thousand.  When I first joined, I saw people like Nath and Xino who had high post counts, and I thought 'ain't no way I'll ever get there'.  And I kinda haven't, but I've said nearly three thousand things on here.  That's a lot of things.

Anyway, quick Kindness round up!  In the two years on here I've:

• Learned I'm a sappy romantic
• Participated in more release hype then I ever had before (Rhythm of War, oh yeah!)
• Had more fun with my writing than I have in a long time
• Wrote poems!  That might actually be good!
• Had my nickname morph from Kindness to Sprennie (not complaining, I really like Sprennie!)

I'm not going to tag anyone, since I don't have enough words to say everything.  But thanks to everyone who made the last two years so fun, and here's to two more!

On Monday I learned I get anxiety attacks.

The feeling of looking back on one's school year and thinking, 'oh that's what that was!' sure is something.

Anybody else ever want to reach out to someone because you're struggling, but you don't because if you talk about the one thing, all the other things are gonna come out because they all feed into each other and it'll probably be fine eventually because it's probably just a storm of teenage confusion that'll go away one day?

In other words; I'm very confused, tired, and a little bit miserable and I don't know why.

Dudes, bros, pals, I'm leet!

*revels in the short-lived glory

Y'all ever realize something that just makes sense?  Like, 'how did I not understand this, things make so much more sense now!' kind of realization?

Yeah, today I figured out that the reason I always feel like no one likes or cares about me is because quality time is one of my love languages and I haven't spent one-on-one time with anyone in months.

Dude.  How did I not figure this out when I figured out that I need lots of hugs?

Happy Easter!  He is risen!

The moment when you find out that the new book series you've started recently, that is really, really good, isn't done, and the next book releases in December.

Heck yeah!

Man, I got really blessed with my friends.

Like, really blessed.

My friends are awesome.

Heck, my whole community is pretty great.

Yeah.  Talk about blessings, this is a big one.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who's made a pros and cons list about telling a crush you like them.

I have a car!

Well, my dad does.  But I'm the one who will use it the most!

And a dress pattern!  And fabric for it!  And a shirt pattern!  Because pattern sales!

And glasses!  My eyes hurt a little, but having a new prescription is worth it, because I really can tell the difference!

I'm alive.  School is a lot and so is life, but by the end of the month I'll try to get back on FOTT.  Trying to organize my day-to-day obligations has cut into a lot of my time, and as such, my personal Internet usage has gone down and will likely remain lesser for quite some time, which is most likely the better choice for me.

All right, help me out, Shard.  For the last few months, I've been noticing a character trend in books and real life: the white boy with long red hair.

So far I've found this appearance in:

My school (two)

My church (one)

Roy Harper in DC comics

Obi-Wan Kenobi

The book I'm writing

There's a Bulgarian sci-fi series that I know has one of these

Maedhros, Amrod, and Amras in The Silmarillion

So, tell me where else y'all have spotted this, it's super random but I think it's hilarious.

Howdy all.  

Just wanna say, it's winter break, and FOTT - Earth 2767 has been dead for over a month... mayhaps 'tis time to revive it?  

You know you've got a 'look' to your style when:

Your dad sees your outfit and says that it suits you

When classmates remark that it's strange to see you in bright colors

I'm inordinately pleased with this, for no reason except knowing that I've got a style that suits me that people can recognize as something I like wearing.

A Poem, for your evening.  Morning.  Whenever you see this.

Unbidden, I have many thoughts,

And yet,

Have been given no voice,

With which to speak

And be

Heard

Is this actually a poem?  Is it just words that I hit the enter key on?

Anybody watching Foundation?

So.  There's a lot going on for me IRL right now, and I'm freakin' emotionally exhausted.  I'm gonna take a break.  See y'all in a week or so.

And I'll get around to FOTT -2767 when I get back.  Hopefully.

I finished.

I finished the Wheel of Time.

What now?

Excerpt from my ongoing Wheel of Time notes.  Spoilers up through Towers of Midnight.  Question I have that I don't want to get lost if I end up posting all of these notes when I finish the series.

I'm almost done with the series, aah!  I'm hoping to get A Memory of Light tomorrow!

Hello, there's a Wheel of Time trailer, and I am Enthused.

No critiquing on this SU please, I'm just happy and easily entertained by things I'm enthusiastic about.  

Have you ever walked right into a trap because you trust someone too much?

I'm so freaking gullible.

Gosh darn it.