CherishLarain

Hello! Sorry for the late response but work has been kicking me in the face. I liked seeing how slightly mundane Ir's new job is. I also liked that there are consequences to Ir's powers. That being said, my comments for the rest of the chapter involve Ir's character and character development. Number one being her relationship with her sister. Is there going to be a real plot line with her versus her sister or is it just petty drama? I have this feeling because in the stories timeline, its been almost 2 weeks since we interacted with the sister. On top of that, in this chapter it is mentioned that she has worked for about 4 days. So, Ir is very concerned about what her sister thinks but hasnt interacted with her? On top of that, Ir earlier didnt favor one side over the other. So, I can believe her unease in the situation but I dont believe her feeling so guilty/traitor. Especially, since to me two of Ir's character traits are friendship and loyalty. Meaning that making sure C has her restaurant back, and her friends get their jobs would have a bigger hold on her emotionally/mentally than her sisters half-hearted rebellion-which her mother and father believe is foolish.

Sorry for the late review! I got to the end of page two before I remembered who R was. I am glad he came back and had a nice chance to shine in this chapter. I do wonder if R should be more suspicious of I's (E's?) new look, considering that he watched some of his captors shape shift to look like some people he knew. But, I think that since the book is coming to an end, it should be ok not adding more drama.

@Mandamon Maybe I am reading too much into it? I guess that since E was the floating ball and she heard the bad guy voices (not her own inner voices) and then going on break to come back and the inner voices to be strongly prominate makes it feel like shes still struggling/fighting instead of feeling like she has control.

For this chapter, I liked that it was a training montage chapter. I have been annoyed by many books/tv shows/movies where a hero saves the day just because with no training. I also loved how much S used his love for I and E to help him keep trying and training. It showed a difference, where in the previous chapter the twins wanted S to come in and save the day versus S who says "I want them, I miss them, BUT if they were here then this is how they would react." @kais I felt "You failed" was really brutal too! I was like omg, thats terrible. Then I had to remember WW isnt human. So, he is stating facts and not being mean. BUT jeeves that was a stab to the heart.

Sorry I haven't responded in a while! School has started again and teaching has left me drained. We had some meetings today and I have down time so I am reading and commenting ASAP. For this chapter, I felt a lot of the tension. I always love reading your opening notes/quotes and I feel like the really help set the tone. I agree with @Sarah B that the bargain was rushed over. Also that I's consequences have also been brushed over (at least by E's POV on page 9 when talking about M and K). I am HUGELY concerned about E's wellbeing. Mainly because of what she is dealing with and how she is unable to share it with her brother because "there are more important things". Overall, I think this was a good chapter.

@shatteredsmooth I can provide some pointers, but most of these I read as a teenager like 10-13 years ago, so I dont remember too much and they are YAs. Also, since they are dated, they have limited or no lgbtqa+ representation. Also, is this a Romance-supernatural book or a Supernatural-romance book? Cuz that affects how deep we should explore M's sexuality/relationships. Did you plan on making this a series? If so, I think this could work. If not then unfortuantely, most of the love triangles I read/think of are duologies or trilogies. The formula I remember was: The first book builds the main relationship the second book focuses on the second relationship and third book is the choice. (Think Twilight, The Slection, To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Hunger Games). I think I have read some where there is a relationship is already established and then a new guy comes along for a stand alone book, but I cant think of any with supernatural events. They are books similar to some books by Sarah Dessen. Otherwise, I think the Mortal Instraments sets up 2 potential romances in book 1 (its been awhile and I DNFd that book so not 100%). Otherwise, from my own interactions with my lgbtqa+ friends, (the bi's and demi's) a lot of them talk about arguing with themselves on why or how much they like someone. Like they play it down in their mind. Like " no I am not attractted to this person, I just think hes cool, but also, I get tingles when we touch." So maybe having M questioning her feelings more might add soemthing to her I could connect with? Because she said shes not sure WHAT she is (which means she the Q=questioning). And if she hasnt been in relationships before, she probably has a reason which means that she most likely is aware of who makes her feel what or in an some Aces cases: that while there is an emotional attraction there is no sexual attraction. You might need to read more lgbtqa+ romances too. I hope this helps? Its based off of what I read and experienced so its probably not the best reccomendations.

I enjoyed the diverse demon hunters. And I anticipate Mi being a damsel in distress cuz hes just not leaving this alone. Is M going to be in a love triangle with Mi and one or both girls? I was under the impression that was what was going to happen. However, I feel I am being queer-baited. Besides Ms message to her friends, there are no sexual attraction between the females. And she spends most of the chapter thinking only of Mi. I get it, its HIS friends that are in trouble, but she doesnt have any desires/thoughts about spending time with A or T beyond missing the party.

This chapter did not feel boring to me at all. I read it very smoothly and I liked how Ir made the people hiring her go through everything step by step and seriously thought of how her choices could affect others. That being said, I am soo annoyed that people are not happy for the new king considering how the old king stressed/ made the people impoverished (on page 1). I think I need a stronger reason for people to hate the new king enough for Ir to feel threatened. I also dont know if Ir is smart enough to put together the fact that BK might have manipulated her previous job offers. Maybe that should happen later, so it has a heavier impact on Ir? I am so happy that everyone will be taken care of by the BK. (Insert huge sigh). Thank you for taking care of C. I can rest easy now.

I don't have much to add. I agree with most of the previous notes on the chapter. It was nice to see them finally all together. And I dont know why but the HD always makes me feel like hes suspect. He didnt even say/do much and I'm like, "HE'S a spy!" Somethings wrong with me lol.

I don't have much to add. I agree with what the others are saying. I think L is an interesting character and you have a powerful opening but there are a lot of things that do need some fixing like how women and babies are after birth. Since this is L's first baby AND she gave birth in 20 mins, chances are she ripped something in her vagina area. My nephew was born in under an hour and my sister needed stitches (he was her first baby too, so that was nerve wrecking! Most of us where still in the room because we didnt know it was happening so fast!) So she will be way more drained and in pain and probably won't "spring to her feet".

I agree with @kais about M's love inconsistencies. There only seems to be women arracted to M, while M runs away from them. M is not showing any interest in any of the women that are almost throwing themselves at her. I loved the opening to the chapter. I thought it added feeling (her mixed feelings about what/who she is). However, both conversations with Mi and T seem way to sober for the two who are supposed to be drunk. And if Mi is bi, then why wasnt he at the mixer party? Both T and Mi don't stumble or get off topic or rant (Mi is monolouging instead of ranting). I found it annoying they were also doing phone tag. Ie A was texting M about what T was texting/telling A(about going to the skatepark). Another thing about T is that you say she has been skating since she was 8 years old. Most of my skater friends can skate VERY well while drunk and can do tricks. They tend to get hurt when attempting to do a trick they know they cant do. I think the interaction between M and T needs to be ampted up. I didnt really understand why the things that happened, happened. But there is no escalation from M or T to cause M to loose control. M also had the perfect excuse to AVOID this and get T to the hospital and she didnt use it: ie "You should go to the clinic! I think you might have a fracture or something, I AM STUDYING MEDICINE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME!!" If she is interested in T she can also take this one step further "Lets go together!/I will go with you if you dont like clinics ." She could even read Ts mind and say that, and while she is panicing about reading her mind and responding T is too drunk to notice. And finally if M is always hungry, at this point shouldnt she carry her own snacks? (In response to Mi's bacon).

I agree a lot of stuff could be taken from this chapter. Mainly, the interview. I felt that unless there is a reason for the woman to be asking those questions to learn stuff we as readers already know, then keep it but find someway to make it raise some red flags (As I reading, I doubled back into the interview when she said, "oh, I MIGHT be here, but idk" to me, I was like THE UNI SENT HER!!!") I am also not emotionally invested or connected to G. It felt uncessary and I was like, "Shouldnt she be looking for jobs instead of being with friends?" I agree with @Turin Turambar that they would send guards. Or would they send a cook staff/boy/apprentice instead, since I am aware (but the characters are not?) that she is being asked to go to the SERVANTS area, and not to like the throne room or the guards waiting to arrest her? I liked that she was being hired then turned away. To me that read well that someone is doing something kinda shady. I think it might have a been a little uncessary because I imagine the people working for the king get paid better than normal citizens, but if she is too scared to go there it was probably needed to make her feel desperate.

@Robinski its no problem i enjoy it

OH it has?! well then please ignore my last comments on it and probably any in the future about it. (I will probably have some and I noticed I respond A LOT of the time to your reviews as "I am confused." ) lol sorry

Thanks for the information guys! I will be sure to edit with your comments in mind! Also, LOVED that you guys talked about HP. Incase you cant tell, I am at Hogwarts in Unversial Studios Japan on my profile pic. And I wore yellow to rep my house! #proudhufflepuff

My overall thoughts for this chapter was that it can be shorted or added to the last chapter. Because for me, even though an important event happened, there is a lot of confusion that doesnt tell me much as a reader, so it feels unnecesary. I understood very little of what happened in the diadems memories. My other comments are mainly reactions. The first being to the opening paragraph. Which was surprise and confusion. The paragraph mentions the impentrable crystal broke off and put into a diadem and then got stuck in someones head? I imagine my confusion is from missing earlier information so its not a big deal. That was interesting to read. Also though, if it gets stuck in the wearers head, then doesnt that mean that I cant take it off? Also I's sudden decision on page 5 really threw me off. This is because if the diadem is important and hasnt been worn yet, then he made a rash decision and probably ignored the original plans for what to do with the diadem. This makes me think then this isnt a brave move but foolish and made from fear. He also made that decision SUPER soon. I feel like I would understand his despiration if they waited a few days and there was no sign of S or Ens. But he does it immediately.

I really liked this chapter. I agree that somethings seem repetitive. I commented gross and cool for Ens transformation on page 3. Can someone "run" all day? Cuz I can't run 20 feet...Also, considering that the things are eating everything, wouldnt Ens feel that same desire to devour things? (Only based on her running all= energy being used=need for sustanance.) For page 7-8 I am surprised to hear they are actually happy that someone transformed without their help and they seemed to like her. This was interesting to me, I want to know more. OMG also, you did me dirty by making me feel sad for the Ar cloud thing on page 18. Only for him to be mean later. Ugh loved it. My last comment is in regards to Ens. Seeing as shes one of them, wouldnt she either wonder about how her own body is doing this rather than comment on how their bodies are doing it? Or wouldnt she have an understanding since she becomes like them?

Oh no. My review is completely different from almost everyone elses. M's character bugged me a bit in this chapter. I think it started with page 1. She has a short inner monologue where she considers THROWING AWAY her desire/plans to be at Uni because she cant find food. I get that food is important to her health and her supernatural abilities, but if she is going to be this dramatic then I kind of want to either A. To see more of it (to make it a character trait and that M gets whiney or upset like Sailor Moon when she doesnt eat) or B. Not see it. I also questioned Ms ability to understand people. For me, I was confused on whether she had any people skills and if she didnt, didnt she say she used to work with fighting demons? Then wouldnt she have some persuasive skills or interrogation skills that she could use on Mi? I also didnt like that Mi controlled the entire conversation. If he didnt want to talk about something- they didnt talk about it. But he did not return that same curtesy to M, when she did not want to talk about her feelings. And then the main thing that bugged me was M's thoughts on WHY she liked Mi on page 9. Shes a female Edward Cullen (who is a rip off of Latimer from The Lifted Veil)! She only likes him because she can't read his mind! Sorry...

I agree with @Robinski. cuz when things explode/burn down PEOPLE GONNA TALK! Maybe the convo should be more about her coming forward with information than her making the report? My other thing was pages 3 and 4. Because we hear everyones problems and backstories but we DONT know/hear Irs? Why does she want her own life? I dont buy that she wants to live seperate from her family. They dont seem to overwhelm her or cause her any issues besides being supported. AND LASTLY if the black uni dont come back and fix C's place, Imma start a riot. (insert knife emoji). Lol jkjk (or am i?)

I got lost incredibly easily, but 100% believe its due to me not being here for the earlier stuff so I don't mind it too much. I really enjoyed page 6 with MA hating on the stairs (Im like, "ME") BUT the part of me that was a hotel employee for 5 years and trained in emergencies was annoying and like, "in an emergency, they be advised to NOT take an elevator/elscator". UGh safety training. But I still really connected with not wanting to take the stairs. Thats all they have here in Japan. The part that got me confused was like pages 8-12. I was confused because wasnt it mentioned earlier that they dont add their songs together anymore? And that the first time in a long time it happened with the other group? What prompted them to try this ASAP? I mean I am not complaining, its great they are taking immedate action (unlike current events cough cough) but I am confused. Other than that, it was really good.

Thanks everyone for the reviews! I will go back and edit it! @Snakenaps and @Robinski a book?! Thank you for your interest in it but I don't know how I feel about that considering I did such a bad job of writing it as a fantasy short story. But, I have been told that a lot of my short stories feel like that. I think one of my biggest problems is that I have NEVER EVER EVER finished writing a novel. I always get stuck, so I try and stick to short stories.

I liked this chapter better than the first one as well. I loved the idea of the homemade sword with the CB characters on it but apart of me wonders if Marvel would be ok with its continual reference throughout the book. I know that mentioning something is ok, but that too much of it could be considered copyright infringeing. Another issue I thought of was when M is talking about how paranormal I's get eaten or rescued. If it's a common occurance for them to have those things happen to them, how would they keep their mouths closed? Does M's family have a way to wipe/block memories? I was also confused on M's whereabouts. It seemed like he went into the building ahead of her but was still late to her class?

I enjoyed this chapter a lot more than chapter one. I also liked A's pov, but not sure how I feel about it being in the same chapter as Ir. My only other thought while reading was "WHO'S GONNA TELL C ABOUT HER SHOP??!!" I felt more invested in what happened to it than what happened to Ir, but that just might be my personal problems (ie I have a fear of a sudden loss of income). So I panicked hard over the loss of the shop espcially since they JUST started making money off it. Overall, definitely liked this chapter more than chapter one.

@Robinski Thank you for your edits. I think the tense issues come in with the fact this is a second draft. The first draft was submitted along time ago for a flash fiction piece and was about 800 words. I tend to write it how I like to and then change the format to fit whatever the publisher wants. On multiple occasions they change to different fonts and sizes. Sorry if the formatting threw you off. When I saw a submission opportunity I thought I could rewrite the old piece and make it new. Thus adding in the soldier scene and actually showing the council (in the original they are only mentioned). I hope the council's names weren't too distracting. I don't normally write fantasy but wanted authentic feeling names and then googled "really bad mideveal people" and got some names from some of the guys on there. M is also loosely based on one of my favorite poems. I had no idea about the rules of chilvary! I will keep them next to me as I do my editing for draft 3. I haven't submitted anything in a long time. I kept getting writers block and being unable to finish ANYTHING, so I stopped writing for a while. So I imagine my skills are terrible right now. I am glad for your honesty, I believe it will help. I only started writing again because of Corona and my classes being cancelled. But I feel motivated and inspired by you guys! @kais I am so sorry that I didn't think to add content tags. Besides people being killed, the lap sitting is as worse as it gets. I can't do anything more than that in my writing. Its a personal thing where I cant put a character through that trauma and make a justified reason for it happening. But, I didn't realise referencing or alluding to a womens lack of choice could be upsetting. I will 1,0000% keep myself aware of that for my next writings. (Which I actually do more of Urban Fantasy than just fantasy but I wanted to try this out). M is a man made hero that doesn't have motivations and I think I need to go into more explantion wit that. I had so many men because I wanted to be loosely based on history and the Q is only there for her position of power and because she talks of romance and chilvary-kind of like a false narrative where she is smooth talking over the bad and making it look like an honorable thing. The first draft was actually sci-fi and A LOT shorter but because the submission calls for fantasy, I cut out all the Alien Wars/references. The maids were supposed to show 1: M's inactions at saving them despite being a hero and 2: how the council treats them. I didn't realise I went overboard on treating them badly and will cut that down. Thank you for reading as much as you did. And I am sooo sorry, I hate making anyone feel uncomfortable or gross because of my writing.

EDIT UPDATE: I hope its not too late to add content tags, but HERE are some! RATED V and S!! I didn't add any to begin with since nothing was shown and when I wrote the story, besides some forced dancing, nothing actually happens so it didn't bother/upset me, BUT from some reviews they seemed uncomfortable with this so, I am adding some. I am sooo sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable and didn't add the tags before. I will also send out another email. Hey guys! Here is my short story The Real Monster Killer. I will be submitting it for a magazine with the theme of heroism. Its ALMOST 5,000 words but according to the rules they want 5,000+, so I am open to any extra ideas you would be interested in seeing in the story. Also, please look for any inconsistencies in the characters. While writing I would sometimes mix them up. I look forward to your reviews.