killersquid

my normal has never been the most normal normal so ever evolving normal should feel pretty normal compared to my normal

So yea.. haven't been around much, Haven't been reading or writing much for the veyr silmple and very fun reason that MY GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT!!! I will be back once life returns to normal, but the last few months have been absolute and joyfull chaos. I hope to be back within a few weeks when things calm down and we've gotten our feet beneath us again. Sorry for not responding to a lot of posts and especially to @shatteredsmooth wo's piece i promised to read before life kind of exploded. I didn't abandon the idea of being an author and am looking to come back, i promise!

OK, that was a weird read.. OVeral feelings: This is definitely not my kind of story, but I do fee lwhat you're going for. It definitely reads smoothly, I started with the intention to focus and read through slow and detailed and found myself drawn on and to the end without realising how much I've read so thats definitely a good thing. There are minor spelling and grammer errors, but not enough to bring up, I think t hey'd be better served with a very focused line-edt when you're done . I did enjoy the chapter more than the prologue. In the prologue you don't make a very clear distiction between what is imagined/remembered and what is real which made it somewhat hard to read and follow. I did however like the contrast between ehr acting almost like a prisoner in a psych ward before showing that in fact, she's completely free to go as she pleases and the only reason she doesn't is in her own mind. In the chapter I do like the same scene from both points of view, and I'm curious how you're goign to pull t hat off throughout the entire book. What i liked a lot less is the information straight to the reader between parentheses, that pulls me straight out and i found myself ignoring them to stay in the story (which, like i said, was very easy to just run along with) I have a very clear sense of both characters in just this first small chapter and I want to commend you on doing that so fast, of course they'll need to be rounded out throughout the book, but I did find myself somewhat invested in them straight from the start. All in All, i'm looking forward to your next submission, keep up the good work

@shatteredsmooth i'll be slow in reading it, but if yo uthrow it my way I definitely will read it. Since you pointed out a slower turnaround won't be an issue I hop this'll be fine. Should be able to get it done over the next two weeks or so?

I'm not sure what kind of reading you want so I'm going to do this in three parts: first my overall feelings and general ideas. secondly specific questions i'm left with thirdly line by line notes overall: I like it, I do enjoy the way you mix the magic with the normal without compromising on either side. I enjoyed most character interactions and those I didn't are most likely caused by me not knowing the background between the characters involved. Sometimes the talk about sex feels a bit forced, like you want to specifically mention it even if there doesn't seem to be a direct reason for it. For example when reading Mi's mind in a moment he's processing trauma and trying to compose himself, I know guys are a horny bunch, but if he was thinking about sex at that point he should probably see a therapist. The fight scene is well done, Me and her mom felt in danger the whole time adn the actual descriptions were also engaging so keep that up! I also like the way you link what sye's mentally doing to physical actions while making clear there isn't actually anything physical going on, it helps me grasp whats happening without it being too vague Specific questions: -considering i just finished reading it, the biggest question i have is 'wait, weren't they fighting IN Between? but now they're retreating to Between? And if not, how the hell did no one notice a GRENADE going off. I can handwaive shooting a gun, that could be drowned out by the noise of a highway above, but a grenade? -i'm not really gettring the love triangle. It has me somewhat confused about whats going on with A and Me and Mi. I assume that's plenty clear from previous chapters, just pointing out here i'm not going to comment much on it since i don't know enough from just this chapter -another question i can't say for sure hasn't already been answered: why doesn't the demon just possess Mi? or send trolls after him? why possess a human to try and kill him when there seem to be more effective options? - the talk about Mi's scholastic history seems a bit forced and awkward. This might be entirely intentional as it is a perfect time for awkward conversation, just make sure its in character for Mi to start talking about mostly irrelevant stuff when he's stressed. -it's unclear to me whether he was hit or someone tried to hit him but failed to do so. You seem to imply both things here on seperate occasions. For someone reading the book straight through that won't be an issue, but for someone just (re)starting on this chapter that might be confusing - when Me wants to call mom but can't and she contacts 7 other hunters but can't get through to them, That feels like massive foreshadowing something is messed up with all hunters, make sure you manage those expectations, unless of course thats common and cleared in earlier chapters -IF mom wasn't shielding when Me arrived, why didn't the demon break her mind? She was clearly weakened, and the trap had already been sprun, Me was already there so why keep mom alive? -mom shouting at the trolls remain to banish it and then you saying it's a replacement for latin banishing spells makes it feel like spells aren't really important, just the intention is, make sure you're not breaking one of the rules of you maginc doing this (i don't know if you are since i only read this chapter) -it feels like the demon is playing with them, which makes it feel like he's feeding Me false information, not sure if thats intentional on your part - if Me is in its mind she can't feel what its doing to hers, yet in the same sentence you say the demon will withdraw if it notices Me finding anything it doesn't want found? how can it still feel whats happening in its mind while its rummaging around in Me's? -While going through the demons memories, who is standing behind the crosroads demon? wouldn't she experience the memories from the demon's PoV if they're his memories? the exposition about fairies seems a bit forced too unless the person he's talking to legitimately doesn't know about pixies, which seems unlikely from the rest of the conversation -blackout protocol??? whats this? either curiosity peaked or callback to previoius chapter, in any way I wanne know what it is! (so if you want me curious at this point, good job) -7 breaths... 7 hunters she tried to contact.... 7 ears on the beast, do you just liek the number 7 or are you hinting that 7 is an important number? Line notes: p1: She changed into skinny jeans with knee high boots that sheaths built into them. --> seems like there's a 'had' missing from the second part. p2: Mike had dark circles under his eyes, and his face was covered with a few days of stubble. --> it feels like she would have noticed this sooner if she was really worried about him, you also describe his clothes fairly extensively, this feels like it shoul have been part of the description. Sometimes, Mel questioned whether or not really wanted to have sex with anyone and wondered how much of wanting to try it came from hearing other people think about how much they liked it. --> missing subject in first part? p3: “I’m being ridiculous.” Mel looked into his eyes. “Anxiety generally doesn’t make sense.” --> the anxiety callout sems to be out of place here, unless i'm mistaken someone actively tried to kill him in the streets, that doesn't feel like senseless anxiety but well grounded fear. a mess, he helped me piece myself back together, helped get into grad school --> helped 'me' get into grad school? p4: Look me in the eye and tell you believe it was an accident.” --> 'tell me you believe' p5: Mel was more comfortable reading mind, --> reading 'his' mind? but if the way he thought about ever shifted, --> thought about 'her' ever shifted? Mom: Corned by a Troll in Lowell. Area borders Between. --> 'cornered' by a troll? I’m my way. Where in Lowell are you? --> 'on' my way? p6: Mel stepped out of between to a muddy riverbank at 7:36 p.m. --> you've capitalised 'Between' up untill here, should do the same here Bear cans and plastic bags littered were scattered through the muck --> 'beer' cans, not bear p7 Troll when it dogged a grenade and threw me out of my chair --> dogged = dodged? p8: With the gagger in her right hand, --> dagger? It was one of the few that wouldn’t frenzie as soon as it got a whiff of her, but she could still goad it into attacking --> frienzie or frnezy? not sure All she needed to lure close enough to the fire for Mom to send out a tendril of flame to burn it. --> all she needed to 'do was to lure' ? She pulled the pin and threw the grenade. --> threw 'a' grenade? she had several unless i'm misreading singing it’s back with flames and shrapnel --> singeing instead of singing Mom’s flames flicked --> flickered? but the flames clung it -> clung 'to' it p9: Mom had shielded her the worst of her injuries from Mel --> 'her worst' or 'the worst' The cut on her looked deeper than what she had sensed, --> the cut on her 'arm' Mel was a worse shot than Star Wars Storm Trooper, but maybe with two clips, she at least grazed it --> than 'a' star wars storm trooper or 'than star wars storm troopers' and 'she'd at least graze it' instead of 'she at least grazed it' She made her mind to a temple of doom --> 'into' a temple of doom p10 :Alime turned to acid, burning her consciousness. --> 'Slime' The demon recoiled as Mel locked in a box of sunshine and happiness --> feels like a word is missing here, i think "as mel locked 'it' in a box" It was clawing her way through a sewage pipe --> 'like' clawing her way .... and seven ears and more teeth than Mel coud count. --> 'could' count p11: It’s deep and smooth. --> it's deep and smooth what? and 'it's' should be 'its' i think It shoved back into the sewer pipe tentacle she’d crowned through until she was slammed back into her own aching, shredded brain. --> it shoved 'her' back into... 'crawled ' instead of 'crowned' p12: With Dad’s I know dad stopped by on Sunday, before he brought me back to school. There was a bag full of my stuff when I woke up in the dorm --> 'with dad's' needs to be a seperate sentence. Mel sent some of that light to strained muscles --> to 'her' strained muscles Consentual sex as long as he doesn’t get me pregnant again?” --> 'consensual' OK, those were more questions and edits than I expected after reading it through a first time. So let me emphasise this again. I really liked the story, most of those questions and comments wouldn't have bothered me if i wasn't specifically looking for them. Do continue the story please and I'm eager to meet the next part! As to your specific question, mentioning Between for the first time here won't be an issue if you've established that other realms are a thing. If this is the first time she steps into another realm you need to throw in a little more exposition perhaps.

Hello all, I assume many of you have had a hard time with Covid-19 and related issued. So have I. I just wante to make a quick post to let you all know I'm back and to ask you all the question if it's ok that i've not read the submission that have been sendt the last few months. I have them all in my mailbox, but catching up will be a painfull endeavour. Can i start offering critiques agai nfrom now on or wil i have to go back and read all submissions?

p2 "He stared at her for long moments as her shoulders jerked then put on her back before changing his mind and pullingher into a hug." Then put on her back? am i misreading this sentence or does it not really make sense? p3 "Her dark blue crime scene garb. " feels likea floating half-sentence “This was a rust-show and no mistake. I’m going to have to insist on approving all potential cases from now on.” who's saying this? i think it's M but not sure, though it might be clear from the voice used and that i'm just not catching on cause i've only red t he last 3 chapters, i don't see it mentioned in the other feedbacks so probably clear enough, but felt like i needed to mention it p4 i absolutely love the casual talk in the eleveator at the start. makes them feel really human, not able to process yet so postponing even thinking about what just hapened as much as possible "Q blew out abreath as his chemical rush gave way to all-pervading pain." Blowing out a breath? feels like a weird phrasing choice "Q considered wording a terse email to Calvin Kline about the lamentablethermal properties of their boxers" Did you mistype Klein or is it meant to be a joke? It did pul me out of the story though, ina full on sci-fi shitshow in a far future or different world and suddenly CK boxers? p5 "Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile." This feels out of place, the time for the joking has alreaddy passed in my opinion and this feels a bit awkward regardless. "blankets around him ill-fitting" blankets don't really fit do they? they cover sure but they don't fit. "It resolved into a hulking olive drab brute thatwhispered to a stop in front of them" hulking brutes don't normaly whisper, feels weird to me p6 "held to keys to their fate" THE keys p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions Good piee of writing, looking forward to the final chapter and conclusion. Definitely feels like you're closing out character arcs, which is something that annoys me greatly when not done so thank you for that

I'm going to echo the emotion thing, but not going to harp on it oo much. What i will say is that i love the way you describe the magic. The descriptions are simple and clear but you still feel like it's a complex system that takes skill to properly manipulate. I haven't followed from chapter one and I don't know anything from previous books so i might be interpreting this all wrong, But it seems like the council members should be powerful maji as wel, and i'd like them to put up a bit of a fight,now they feel weak. Though agin, that might be intentional. I do like the flow of the combat, it's pretty clear whats happening, sometimes positioning isn't perfectly clear, btu I like that, it gives a sense of chaos to the fight. All in all, I really liked this chapter!

Hello all, With permission from @silk I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread on how to deal with feedback. This means two things; -How to implement it into your writing -How to mentally deal with it. Particularly the second one I've been having issues with, and would appreciate a discussion about. I've only posted twice and gotten feedback both times that was very useful and not in any way malicious or rude. Yet instead of encouraging me to continue writing, it brings me down and makes it very hard to pick up the pen. Anyone else deal with similar issues? Feel free to also discuss how to implement feedback, but I can't comment on that much since I've only done it once.

I've read this part and i feel like i'm not ina position to comment on it, a lo of it is carried by it being a payoff for a story that i haven't read, meaning that i can't realy judge on the validity of the payoff. On the writing itself, it felt a bit slow. I feel liek i should be anxious and on the edge of my seat and i'm not, i'm ahving to wait for more tension too often i feel. You're starting a lot of sentences with subject, but a lot less then before and it doesn't bother me in this one so much because it isn't constant and it feels almost necessary. I don't really have a lot of comments on the writing itself, except on page 18 "That’s may not be good." isn't a correct sentence. I did like the fighting, it felt active and fast-paced and i really felt like Q was in danger so props on that.

When did yo usend them? I haven't received them, and i checked all inboxed

For this one i'm going to stay general. The story itself captured me quite well. I loved the enclave. I can't pinpoint why but it felt really REAL and really home-y which is the intention I believe. The biggest worry I have and the biggest annoyance is that prety much every sentence starts with the subject. another minor annoyance is that they keep referirinf to 'other instance' which feels clunky, something so personal and often used in conversation would have gotten a shorthand i think 'my other' for example since everyone would know what they mean and its easier in conversation. I do like the trickle of history and explanation we get, though some of it is confusing me still. probably either because i don't know what comes before, but still i feel like i need to mention it? Also, taking over the diadem is only really discussed quite briefly but i feel it would be a bigger deal, both for the potential information it could give as well as the potential massive violation of privacy IF she ever woke up. Those are my main thoughts. I migth come back to this with more specifics once i'm no longer ill. Sorry for late and brief response

Rework of chapter 1, I dropped the prologue entirely due to popular demand. Tried to start where the story starts, make formatting actually legible. There's still plenty of spelking and possible grammar errors in there but I'd love it if you could ignore those and focus on content and layout. Kind regards, Squid

I woul like to be on the submission list for tomorrow with a heavily reworked chapter 1 without any prologue

I'm not entirely sure how this works, but even if i don't submit (wether or not I want to depends on how much time i can spend on writing tomorrow) I'll still get sent the things the others have written to critique them, yes? If yes, i have no issues with 5500 @Mandamon

Thank you all for the feedback, It's my first time actually trying to write a story to make it into a book so this advice has been VERY valuable. I don't think i'll submit next week but spend it rewriting ch1 and resubmit after, I hope i'll be (and therefore it'll be) better then

Sorry for the late comments, been sick most of the week. You said "Please feel free to comment on anything and everything, as little are as much as you like. All fair game." So thats what I'll do, understand that, unles otherwise stated, these are all small issues. I do like the story, even if it is quite confusing without the previous 27 chapters, but that's to be expected. On page 5 you have the sentence: "Moth stepped out with them then Dulcie, who he thought might have taken to following Moth’s lead" The construction seems weird, I know what's happening, but there's definitely something off. Further on p5: "Moth matched him easily, keeping the dinosaurs out front" I'm not a native speaker so I could be wrong, but 'out front' to me says outside of something in the front of it. While 'out IN front' to me means they're beign guided to the front of the group, could be mistaken though. on p6 you use the word "segued", while used correctly, it's a word I often hear, yet never see written and I believe that will be true for most readers, which pulled me out of the story a bit. p6 "And the man never called himself ‘Derek’" yet he isn't at all thinking about this or telling the others this is weird? p6: “Never, gonna use a, storming handset, again. After this rust,” This feels like it should be one sentence, and I would personally opt for ... instead of , p6 "“This’ll be the sharp end then.” No idea what this is supposed to mean? unless it refers back to an in-joke between characters or a thing they often say? p9 "clicked her pistol’s safety off" just as a note, most pistols that exist in current day do NOT have manual safeties. p10 Q is suprised that something or someone killed M, but he shoudl've suspected something from the interaction on p6? Overal, it's not the type of story i like to read so i can't comment onhow well or bad it does for industry standard. What I can say is that i DID feel a sense of being chased all the way through and I did feel like they needed to hurry the F up or bad things would happen so that's ver ywell done. I did notice however that you seem to start a LOT of your sentences with the subject, which can end up feeling a bit samey after a while and even a bit annoying at times, but that's one of my pet peeves (because I know I do it too) so it migth not be that bad for anyone else.

First of all, sory for responding late, been ill most of the week. Overall I liked it. The fantastical elements are somewhat confusing at the start, but thats probably because I haven't read chapter 1, so i skipped the start of the learning curve. I do love characters with internal struggles that are external. By which I mean that no one can see her struggle, and even though one ofthe other characters can kind of understand, they cannot help. I believe you did that beautifully here and walked the balance really well between internalising too much which would draw me out of the story and externalising too much which wouldn't make me as invested in the MC. I do have to agree with @industrialistDragon though. S kind of annoyed me. At first he didn't understand, which is fine and he can be somewhat pushy to try and force an interaction, but once I made it very clear that this is serious stuff and he NEEDS to back off when she acts like this it becomes less of a'ok he's trying to connect' and more 'dude, are you trying to get her to attack you?' As far as I understand (again, without having read ch1) the Eff's situation should be more of a concern, especially for WW, now it just feels like they're excorting someone, not leading someone in clear distress to a place to figure out more about what's going. I'm definitely interested in the characters and the fantastical elements, and I'm real curious who the soothing voice at the end is. At this stage in the story though, i wanne kick S in the groin and I do not believe thats the feeling you want me to have rigth now.

Hello all, This is my first submission and it is the start of the book so don't worry about any backstory at all Kind regards, Squid

Cool. I'll mail my piece as soon as i get home. Really exited about this

I was a squid, things died, let's not go into who or what exactly died and leave it there.

I've been reading most of the day, i believe i want to be part of this Mondays list too, but if you need to drop someone, drop me first

Just to be clear, i need to post here if i want to be part of this the next grouping of submissions and then i'll get 3/4 other people's work in my inbox to read and then i find the post they made and comment on it? if I got that right i would like in on next mondays grouping

Hi there all you wonderful people, I'm Joris, but I go by killersquid due to a very memorable druid in a DnD game. I've written for as long as i can remember, but it's only the last year i've started looking at writers and listening to their talks at conventions and all that that I realised, hang on, I can actually be an author too! I write epic fantasy (or at least I'm working on epic fantasy) and love most books in that genre, i have a very high need for escapism so i will read almost any book that draws me in and enjoy it even if it isn't that good. my favourites though, are the cliff chronicles (i think they're called, i read them in dutch), mistborn and the slow regard of silent things. I have a full time job so most of my writing is done at night and cannibalising sleep so if you ever read my stuff in the future and think 'was he high when he wrote this?' the answer is no, just tired.