Snakenaps

Heh heh heh

Dulse heard his student snap behind him. Again. "You are in a crabby mood today!" he exclaimed, turning around with his chalk held up as if it were a trident. "You will learn, or I will make you into chowder!" Chionoecetes snapped a pencil between its considerable claws, its small crab eyes cold as the ocean with hatred. (Unconventional mentor? Let's try unconventional student.) (I'll go now)

I recently read Going Postal and loved it. It's a wacky but weirdly heartwarming book. I also recently enjoyed his Monterous Regiment and am currently reading the (non-Discworld) Bromeliad Trilogy.

@spitefulmage Welcome! We need some more short stories in this group! I recently finished Terry Pratchett's Going Postal and Monstrous Regiment. I love his work. They're humorous but surprisingly deep. And always so inventive!

I've been rather quiet here lately, wrapped up in life, but if anyone wants to do a trade for Draft Four of my current work for something of your own (whether that be now or in the future), hit me up. Even if you can only read the first four chapters, anything helps.

First of all...I'm not dead! I've just been super busy with work, my own draft, and overwhelming myself with obligations. Second...I finally finished Draft Four of Name of the King. FINALLY. Hilariously, I don't even know how many people are still around from the dumpster fire that was Draft Three. Third... After many months of waiting, I used @shatteredsmooth's plagiarism checker from February to compare my first and fourth drafts. 33% of the book is the same, and according to my Cut Text folder, I have "deleted" 106 of scenes, equal to 103,053 words, since I began Draft Two. And just like Shatteredsmooth, this isn't keeping track of the massive plot changes that have occurred since Draft One. Thought it might be interesting for some of you. Time to work on other literary ideas for a month or so...then it is time to start Draft Five!

I haven't actually watched the show. My grandmother introduced them to me and now I own every single book.

Kitchen Confidential and other books by Anthony Bourdain - Raw, humorous, and incredible. A journey about food, the world, and humanity with no-holds-barred. Hard warning on language and content, though. The Apprentice: My Life in the Kitchen by Jacques Pepin - A sweet, fascinating autobiography by a chef who has seen it and done it all. Consider the Fork by Bee Wilson - A peek into the history, psychology, and science into how we cook and why. James Herriot's books - Stories from a British veterinarian from the 1930-1950's, just as technology was replacing the draft horse. As You Wish by Cary Elwes and Joe Layden - How The Princess Bride was filmed. Absolutely hilarious. Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man's Fundamentals for Delicious Living by Nick Offerman - Part autobiography, part philosophy on wood and steak. Marley and Me, as well as The Longest Trip Home by John Grogan - Marley and Me is about Grogan's experience with a ADHD Labrador, the other his biography growing up. I second Robinski's recommendation for Stephen King's On Writing.

I have never even heard of this but now I want to play them.

If you had asked me four years ago if I would have been able to handle it, I would have said no. There are days where I still feel like that. But it is amazing what you can do when challenged. I plan to leave education, but not because of the kids. I will miss their smiles and lightbulb moments and art and just watching kids be kids before adulthood squashes the carefree from them. They say that you never know the difference you make in a kid's life, but kids don't realize the differences they make in yours. If you think you might want to teach grade school...volunteer! It's a great way to get your feet wet without costing you a college education. I did 136 hours before I got my credential.

um, you have piqued my interest. Your wish is my command. @sniperfrog maybe I can provide you with some inspiration. Keep in mind, I've only taught for about three years. Imagine what stories a teacher of 20-30 years can tell. Demon Boy: Six years old, first grade. During my student teaching, I had this kid who was a complete sweetheart when he was okay. But when he wasn't? He made the other kids pee themselves in fear and forced us to evacuate the class. Punched my co-teacher and threatened to kill the school psychologist and the principal. Nearly stabbed me with a pencil but caught his emotions last second. Would become, in his words, "demon possessed" when his emotions got too high. Threw chairs and desks, would become convinced he was in a video game. His mother had him when he was 15 and constantly missed his meetings, leaving his grandfather to pick up the slack. School was able to intervene and got him in a special program for the emotionally disturbed. From what I hear, he's back in general education and is doing great. Stabby Girl and Her Brother: Both kids were born addicted, were being cared for by their grandmother. Both kids were angels when they were okay. When they weren't? Well, it was tough. Stabby Girl was in third grade. Stabby Girl started out with throwing things around the classroom and threatening to drink the essential oils for the humidifier (she didn't want me to go to lunch). Escalated to when I was taking out new pencils from the shelf and giving them to her. Something...went wrong. Triggered her. Next thing I know, I have a brand new sharp pencil coming at me. Caught her wrist, looked into her eyes and realized she was seeing red, not me. She escaped my grasp, went after other students. I evacuated the classroom. Ironically, I would later trust her with a butter knife to carve soap with. I became her favorite sub and the only one that was allowed anywhere remotely near her. The reason she liked me? Because of how well I treated her brother. Her younger brother attended first grade...kinda. He mostly played with Play-do in front of the guinea pig or slept. Trying to get him to do anything was like trying to herd cats. His worst day was non-violent, but he ran away from the classroom nine times in one day. I got very good at calling the office that day. He was very frustrating to teach, but I liked him as a kid. He was very loving. Couch Boy: Second grade. Disappeared. Luckily, one of the kids saw him hide under the couch. I would slowly build up a relationship with him over the course of several months of subbing so that he didn't hide under the couch every time he felt frightened. Test Boy: Had an 8th grader who didn't take kindly to teachers, let alone subs. I told him that if he spoke during the test one more time, I'd take it away. He then learned I meant what I said. I obviously didn't give him the test back, even though he begged all day. He would later get in a fist fight with another kid during PE (luckily the school psychologist was right there when this broke out in front of me). I also got him in major trouble when he was "joking" around with a small boy and saying...things that are not appropriate for this server. He later gave me less grief when I discovered he wanted to travel and gave him a bunch of resources and advice. Savage: First grade, always wore a hat that said "Savage". Parents died and he wasn't handling the grief well. Unlike Stabby Girl, her brother, Demon Boy, or Couch Boy...this kid was always in control of his emotions. Little twinkle in his eye. He was vindictive and smart, which was very dangerous. Would repeatedly run away and my poor, wonderful principal would have to chase him around. Came to the realization that if he broke enough rules and acted out enough, school would send him home. Pushed down two of my kids, tried to get the others in trouble, cut up his shirt, spun around in the teacher's chair, yelled over me, tried to say the most hurtful things he could come up with towards me (jokes on him, he was in class so little that I don't think he knew my name, let alone anything that could hurt my feelings). One day, he came in, looked around, and said, "I won't be here long." He was right. His behavior got him sent home...again. I hope they are able to get him the help he desperately needs. Of course, these are my rough kids, but I could write a book about the wonderful kids I have had.

I actually had to come to the comments to figure out what order everyone read these in XD The Last Stand: At such short of a scene, I wasn't able to come to any hard and fast conclusions because by the time I start figuring out what is going on, it is over. FK's Escape: I'm not invested in this because there's no emotions and just action. Like, why should I care if the prisoners hang or not? T's not trying to save his mother or sister or something. I'm not even sure if they are good guys or bad guys. HM's Exile: They're supposed to be five? If I hadn't read your email and had kept with the assumption that they were seven, they still don't talk like children. As someone who teaches six-year-olds, this is how conversations tend to go: Me: "Does anyone have any questions about this worksheet? Yes, Joe?" Joe: "We're going to the park this weekend and ummm I'm going to bring my dog and my dog really like hamburgers and once this time...have you ever played Zelda? I really like the camel-My dog's name is Patches. What are we doing?" One of my favorite kids starts off everything with "But, actually" no matter what he is going to say. "But, actually, Teacher, I need to pee." Little kids ramble, they tend to switch topics midway, they are rarely focused on the same conversation you are, and they constantly use "ums" and such. It's adorable, often hard to understand, and becomes really obnoxious fast if you're trying to get things done. Don't forget that half the time they're staring at something way more interesting than you and mumble. Also, kids are not so good with grief. I have a six year old who recently lost his parents and he is terrorizing my class. They don't have the words to explain their feelings, so they lash out, destroy things, push other kids, yell at you, flat out run away, etc. If you want some more traumatic kid stories, I got plenty. Demon Boy, Stabby Girl, Stabby Girl's Runaway Brother, Couch Boy, my current kiddo...yeah...I got stories I can tell. Overall: I'm overall confused, despite the fact that your writing is fine. These feel like samples from different chapters. Were you thinking about putting all three together to make a three-section prologue? Which I would not recommend. Or were you trying to figure out which one works best as a prologue? In which case, I vote HM's Exile, because that one is the only one that appears to have information that would be prevalent to the rest of the work. Which, frankly, you can probably shuffle in this information elsewhere. What are your goals and do you have a summary of your manuscript, like a back cover, so I can figure out more what you are aiming for? I feel rather in the dark, and that ties my hands.

Huh. You know, I never thought about that. I always thought: 1) Introduce a lively restaurant 2) Blow restaurant up I never thought...combine them. Always thought I had to start at one or the other. Huh. Hmmm. Well, that's something I got to try out.

Perfect! Yup, just send them my way when you are ready.

Okay, I'm catching up on critiques. So I'm going to do this revised Chapter One before going back to Chapters Two and Three. So if @RedBlue if you've revised 2/3, let me know. Thoughts as I go: Pg 6, " She remembers writing it all down over three sides of A4 in sensible handwriting." Three sides? Does this mean pages? Pg 8, " are heated primarily by a wood stove. It’s a good, reliable way to keep a warm" Pg 9, "He is a massive, living cue ball." This is a frightening image. You know, I think part of what gives me the creepy feeling is that this is in third person, present tense. Usually, if people use present tense, it is in first person. But it works really well here. Honestly, I really have nothing else to add, except that it should be Mrs. F. I think it is wonderfully creepy and makes me want to keep reading. I think you cut all the parts that I picked on last time about the worldbuilding. I like the sense of wrongness that seems to permeate everything. I don't feel particularly close to C, but I find that is okay. There's something about the style that reminds me of Lemony Snicket or a creepy old woman telling the tale around a campfire. Definitely got Nightvale vibes, or like the Wood Stove is from SCP. There's this sense of distance that makes everything feel a little otherworldly. For me, personally, it works well. I can see it not working for others, but it works well for me. I feel kind of useless not finding more things to pick apart. But, hey, that says something, doesn't it?

Hella late here, but I'm trying to catch up: Pg 1, '"I mean, I’m sure they’re all fairly car-shaped and interchangeable." Wow, me. Pg 1, " seeing her more lively and humming" awwwwww Pg 1, "windows rolled down holding a vape pen in her hand and wearing heart eye sunglasses." Nope, I'm out. Vapes smell disgusting. I don't care if it is supposed to smell like bubblegum. And it is just flat out rude to vape while transporting people you don't know and might not be okay with it. Pg 2, "You know it’s going to be like sixty degrees and cloudy, right?" That is way too cold for me and a bikini. Pg 2, " not nearly as cray as I fear," Accidental reference? Pg 3, " I know that fitting into big groups can be uncomfortable," Wow, um, I wasn't expecting this. +10 points to B. Pg 3, "Erin can pay for all of us, of course." Um, excuse me, what? -10 to B. Pg 7, “Then why did…?” “Something else you want to tell me?" Confusion. Because I thought B was speaking the first line, since she glanced at the shoreline. But is that actually W speaking? Pg 8, "I’m almost able to forget about the strange vibes I got from B." I'm pleasantly surprised by B. I thought she was going to be the usual tropey popular girl. I like how you turned my expectations on their head. Pg 9, "he bought his way into some monster hunting group for more information" Hey, I'm going to use knowledge I shouldn't have and guess that it's jerkface from the cut (didn't you cut it?) prologue. Pg 13, “Or my choice.” D: Okay, frankly, this chapter did not go as I suspected and I am personally pleased by being wrong. There was no "O-ho-ho I'm the spoiled popular girl and I'm going to embarrass you in front of everyone" scene like I expected. I am pleasantly surprised. This chapter went down easy for me, personally. It has only helped me see B,E, and N in a more sympathetic light, and now I'm not sure who I should dislike, except maybe W for how she treated E, or A for being stupid enough to wear a bikini in that weather. I'm glad you hinted about grandfather the magic hunter, because I immediately perked up at this.

Very good point. Hanging a lantern is probably a good idea. Aw shucks Meriam Webster says yes. It's definitely something we say here in California (it's 90 degrees today and it isn't even May). Considering they drink a lot of wine, I thought it was very important to mention that grapes are okay. Dude, same. She has made me so furious this draft. I feel like I'm channeling every one-sided political wackjob I've ever seen with a Twitter account when it comes to Sue. I don't want to say that Covid strengthened my ideas on where to take Sue...but it did. I did not know this! Huh! Thank you for helping me iron them out! Thank you, @ginger_reckoning!!!

I have so many weird phrasings that I am grateful when they are pointed out. I need to narrow it down to exactly which ones are going to be necessary in the next few chapters. I've already cut a lot, but I can cut more. Ah, shoot, this is from me rewriting the conversation. Good catch. Thank you, @C_Vallion!!!

I just learned it a couple of weeks ago! It's new to me too. Would you believe me if I told you I cut even more names? Originally, the scene with Sue was with the entire family. Heh heh heh. I think myself clever. I definitely feel I can cut parts and then smooth everything over. Thank you, @julienreel!!!

That is an understatement. If one is looking for a profit...there are much better careers out there. If I took all the hours I have spent writing, worldbuilding, and educating myself, I could have easily taught myself computer coding by now. And I've only seriously been at this for a couple of year. But I love writing. So I just keep chugging up the mountain, hoping one day to earn enough to even buy myself a coffee, let alone make a living at it.

Draft Two was a hilarious dumpster fire of a mess. It took me nine weeks to learn enough to start revising for Draft Three before submitting. Then, because I was actively revising literally a week or before subbing (if not the night before), it opened up all sorts of problems. Poor Sue had a very unstable personality as I tried to figure out where I wanted her to go. But I learned so much. That being said, I'm grateful you didn't have to go through the pain. I think my ability to write charming characters mixed with an interesting world was the only reason nobody murdered me from the complete lack of stakes and the overwhelming amount of useless slice-of-life scenes.

We have missed you! Welcome back, my friend!

Considering Sue is, if not the secondary antagonist, then the first, I feel like you've summed it up pretty well. It's definitely more about the pressure Sue puts on Ir more than anything else. In this revision, Sue is...rather toxic, if not flat out gaslighting. Ir is incredibly family driven, so it takes her time to realize that just because someone is family, that doesn't mean you want to be around them. If anything, Ir mourns the pre-war person Sue used to be, not this extremist version. Talking about this has rather helped me see more clearly what I need to make sure happens across the book. Thank you. The Revolutionaries are much more active in this draft. It is definitely BK vs the Revolutionaries with poor Ir stuck in the middle trying to figure out where she belongs. Bingo, you got it straight on the mark. Ir is definitely up there in management - as one of the three chefs and closer (a position meaning she shuts down the restaurant at night), she is one of the top three of the sixteen employees. C is owner/head chef, Gol is C's longtime friend and head chef, then comes Ir. I'm hoping I just handled it right. I still have so much to fix and then polish. heh heh heh Thank you @karamel!!!

Improvement! Yay! Agreed, which was why I wanted some eyes on the chapter. I needed some holes poked to see what I can continue to shore up, and to see if anyone sparked any ideas with questions or comments. Good. I'm really trying to shore up the Revolutionaries. Give them clearer goals and also land a harder punch. Dang, now I want to write this...On the other hand, I consider that a success, because I have obviously built up the restaurant as something important - so hopefully the next chapter will hurt more. Former mentor, but yes, she would. At least with C, since she has such a strong relationship with her. Would Ir ever say this to the BK? No, never. Thanks! I really tried to do that in this draft, since it was a previous weakness. This falls under my to-do of "Make places obvious without needing a map" as this was an issue last time as well. It just hasn't been something I have ctrl+F for yet, but at least I switched out "province" for "region", which is a little better. Good point. Thank you, @Mandamon!!!

Okay, admittedly, this was a bad chapter to ask about that, since the inciting incident is the next chapter. Then Ir starts becoming more active. She was very passive in previous drafts but I feel like that is less of a concern in this fourth draft. I'm really trying to make her a move and a shaker, instead of just reacting. I hope you'll be able to read the second chapter and give me an update to your predictions. I'd like to see how they shift with the inciting incident. Yes, there is! A cook is someone who doesn't have professional training, while a chef is someone who has professional training and experience. You could toss me in a restaurant and tell me to flip burgers and I'd be a cook. But asking me to make champignon de bois? Ooof, no. Now you need a chef. This is never talked about in the book, but C's has three chefs (C, Gol, and Ir) and three cooks (incredibly minor characters). Yes, that was what I was attempting to get at. See, this is something I really need to get nailed down. I'm already doing better - no one thinks Ir is a murderer and there is a cannibal restaurant - but I still have holes. Fey are like civilized creatures but literally cannot feel compassion. As the first creations of R, they could be considered the first category. Ir/BK/the entire cast outside of their mundane food source are civilized. Hmmm, good point. I didn't make it obvious how the rest of the population feels. Thank you @leapfrog!!!