ima willshaper

Hello! I haven't read any of your other submissions so I'm a totally new reader at this prologue! Overall: I think I more or less understood what was going on... I also think that this sets up a lot of really interesting stuff and as a reader I'm definitely hooked -- if I had a chapter one, I'd definitely be reading that right now because I'm curious about what's going to happen twelve years from these events. But... if chapter one isn't awesome I'd probably put it down. I'm just a little bit confused about some things but hopeful that those will make more sense in the future. As I go: pg 1 - "The midwife ... the garden" - These sentences were vague enough that I was pretty confused. I definitely didn't put together that the duchess was the one having a child for some reason... maybe I'm just tired but that was confusing. I think the biggest thing that could be established is that the magic came from the room where the childbirth was happening. pg 1 - "When he reached the bedroom..." - This part was also a bit confusing. I think at this point if you'd explained that it was the duchess's bedroom that would have cleared some things up because I was pretty confused but maybe that's just me. pg 2 - "he looked down to find a single O marking his forearm..." The heck is an O? At this point in reading it I was hoping to learn more about it, because right now I don't even know what it looks like or what it does. pg 2 - "Still hated him, sometimes, for the trouble he’d caused the family he’d spent his whole life serving." - Who does he hate? This is a slightly confusing sentence. pg 3 - I understood the political stuff on this page pretty well. I think it's just the right amount of detail! pg 5 - “Shielded in with the midwife, maybe.” - Why are they just assuming that the duchess is dead? pg 12 - "I don't fully ... who will stand with I's prejudice" - His lungs are crushed, and just a little while ago he couldn't talk, but now he's talking in full sentences? pg 14 - "And get the girl to accept the blood price.” - What? What's a blood price? Why does she need one? pg 15 - "He swallowed and touched the O that still circled his arm." - I'm still not sure what an O is, and I feel like I'm going to learn more about it later, but because you mention them so much in this story without really connecting it to anything else that's going on it gets a little confusing and honestly kind of annoying. I agree with @Robinski that there are a lot of things in here that could definitely be cut to make it less of a drag, but honestly I liked the way the ending felt. It feels like the story ended. But a confirmation about the duchess's fate would be nice.

As I go: Prologue: I feel like the whole conversation between J and S was really maid-and-butlery. They keep saying things like "as you know," which makes the conversation awkward. It also just feels drawn out and repetitive, and I think they say each others' names too much. In an actual conversation you don't say the other person's name every single time you speak but that's what they're doing. Also, I don't really get what happened with A getting the book and a new name... I just don't get how he would just kind of accept his new name so fast. Other than that I don't think I had a whole lot to say about the prologue... it seems important, but I didn't really understand it. Chapter 1: Pg. 1 - I already think that this would definitely be a better second chapter than first chapter. If I was starting here, I would have no information about who V is or how he got the sword, and I definitely don't have a reason to care about him. Since I was already not feeling invested in his character in the original first chapter, I'm even less invested in him in this version. pg. 1 - "Never heard of a Smith with a dragonfly.” What? I have no idea what this means. (I think I should also mention that if I had picked up this book in a library and started reading it, I would have put it back on the shelf by now. I'm just not feeling connected enough to the plot/characters to really want to read the story.) pg. 1 - "I’ve always been a better swordsman than smith, which is why..." This also sounds maid-and-butlery. Wouldn't O's best friends already know this? This is something you could probably put after his dialogue as V's thoughts about O if you still want this info in here. pg 2 - "V could feel F's song..." Didn't O just say on the previous page that the sword hadn't told them its name? I'm a little confused here. Is F the sword's actual name or did V just come up with it? pg.3/4 - This conversation sounds awkward, and I agree with @Mandamon that I'd enjoy reading it more if V was more involved in getting the information. pg. 5 - Woah. A bunch of people just died. That was... weird. I feel like this could have been accomplished without the chain reaction of "surprise" deaths. You said you wanted to make the violence gritty and realistic... but honestly, this just feels like the opposite because it's just so clunky, for lack of a better word. pg. 6 - Okay, I have no idea what a Fell Knight is. This is something else that might be helpful to put into exposition in the old chapter 1. Also, why is he just going along with this newcomer? I guess maybe he's in shock? But she doesn't strike me as trustworthy, since the last newcomer killed his dad. pg. 8 - "The path will not be easy." What path? Is he going on a quest? What quest is he even going on? I think this chapter would be much improved if the old chapter 1 was again chapter 1. It just gave so much more information and helped me understand what's happening. I also think the scene where a new person comes and is killed and someone else comes and kills someone and then someone else comes and kills someone could be shortened to make the story less chaotic and confusing and just generally easier to understand. But your sentences were less choppy this time, so good job with that! Keep up the good work!

Thank you!!

Thanks everybody for the suggestions and ideas! Here's the final product:

Hi! I don't have a whole lot of super specific stuff to say. This chapter was really good! I thought the arc, the dialogue, and the descriptions were great. There are just a couple things I think you could improve. First off, the whole flip-flop thing isn't a bad theme to carry through in S's pov, but it does sound a little childish to be saying "flip-flop" all the time. That kind of contributes to the childish tone of S's pov. On that same note, I still feel like S and A's voice sounds a little young, and I still haven't internalized exactly what their ages are. Are they teenagers? Are they adults? It's hard to tell. I also feel like their meeting kind of downplays the dread A felt in the last chapter. Nobody has been mad at him yet, and I kind of wondered at this point what all the worry was about. On pages 5-6, I really appreciate the awkwardness of the scene. I don't really understand why the prayer hadn't been nice to listen to at the beginning of page 6. I feel like there isn't enough information about why it was so hard to listen to. On page 7, I feel like A's story about the goats is definitely upsetting, and I understand that A is mad that he was always the "less favorite" son. The argument just seems off to me in a couple ways. First, A shows up after three years and then starts yelling at his dad about a goat story? Also, he was so nervous and afraid of seeing the rest of his family, and now he's just fine with yelling at his dad. I feel like this scene would be great to see through A's pov to know why A did those things and what his thought process is. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense seen through the eyes of someone else. I did think the ending was really good, though. I'm definitely curious about where S is headed with his girlfriend. Keep up the good stuff! I can't wait to read next week's chapter! Edit: Aaand I didn't even notice that there's a chapter 5 on there. Oops. I feel like this chapter didn't really need many improvements, and I liked the extra details about the army and what it does, as well as why A went and joined it. Giving a number to S's age is helpful, but I still don't feel like I've internalized that he's older. I guess he still reads like a teenager to me. On page 4, why does S think A would be mad about eloping with D? Also, when A calls S the "ladykiller of B" I guess I just don't see why he's a ladykiller. As a woman who's attracted to men, I guess I just don't find S a very charming or "ladykiller" sort of guy. Maybe other people disagree, but I personally don't think he's the kind of guy I would be at all interested in or that I could see any other girls being interested in. It just doesn't fit with what I know of him. I also think the reaction of D's dad is a little intense based off my knowledge of this place. Why would he decide to get a gang of multiple guys together to jump his daughter's boyfriend who's eloping with her? Is elopement really bad enough to go to jail for it here? More information about this in the chapters leading up to this scene or in the moment would help this make more sense. Again, great job and I'm excited to read what comes next!

@Silk Ahh thank you! I'm really sorry for making that mistake.

Okay awesome!

Hello and welcome! I'm kind of new to this too. We'll learn together! pg. 1 - First off, your prose is very choppy. There's no sentence variation in length or structure. I would definitely suggest some longer and more varied sentences just for the flow. Also, I have exactly zero reason to be invested in this character so far. I haven't seen any of V's thoughts, and I don't really have context for why V doesn't want to leave the sword training place. Also, his description is kinda info-dumpy. It all comes at once in a big long paragraph. Too much, too fast. pg. 2 - Like @kais said, I don't care about the names of the forms. pg. 2 - Is the dream stuff really relevant right here? I feel like now is not the time for V to be thinking about his weird dreams. He's being evaluated by someone for his swordsmanship -- shouldn't he be nervous, or thinking about swords, or thinking about why he's leaving the training place, instead of his dream about a tree? pg. 2 - "The last couple ... some unknown purpose." These sentences could absolutely be combined. All separate, they don't quite sound like normal human thoughts. pg. 4 - "O and M ... spilling him to the ground." Even with M identified as a she in the next sentence, this had me confused about who was the "he" in the chair. I'm not going to comment much on M and the LGBTQ representation because I'm not a member of that community, but I will say that M is the most developed character here, and it would be great to see the other characters get interesting characterization like this and the character I feel connected to the most. V doesn't even have great characterization yet -- all we know is that he's a sword fighter. More little insights into his personality, his fears, and his thoughts would be nice so we get a chance to feel connected to him. pg. 8 - The banter between V, O, and M is really great! The dialogue is a little stilted and I would definitely suggest going through and reading all your dialogue out loud to actually hear it. pg. 10/11 - I think the dialogue here could definitely use improvement just to make it smoother and more natural. pg. 12 - So... it's morning now that he's up? Or is he leaving at like 2 in the morning? Just a little bit of a description of what time it is or how light it is outside would be great. pg. 13 - Okay, at this point I'm going to mention that this chapter could use more breaks. The scenes just come one after another, and especially on this page when it just sort of goes from him leaving his house to being two hours in to his journey, it could use a break. Overall, I think the chapter was pretty great! I think the biggest things to change are adding more characterization and varying your sentence length more. I did really like the way he found the sword and it does have me wondering what O and M are going to do when they find out that V left way early. I do wonder where V's going and what he's going to use this sword for -- he seems to have some kind of quest in mind or something, but he hasn't been given a quest so I'm a little unsure about that. Anyway, great job and I really can't wait to see where the characters end up!

I think this sounds awesome! Let's do it! What day are we settling on, the 17th or 18th? Or both?

I just want to start off by saying that this is a whole lot better than last time! It's much smoother and is a lot easier to read and understand. pg. 1 - I would stay away from using the full first name in the first line of the book. I've read things from different writing advice sources that suggest against this, mostly because it's overused. It's not awful, just not very original. I also like that we get an introduction to what an Al looks like and the fact that Z exists. pg. 2 - This scene makes a whole lot more sense than the last draft. I like the description about why the thing D is fixing is important! The dialogue is also way easier to understand here. pg. 4 - Does "numb parts waking up" mean that D can turn their skin on and off or something? More explanation here would be nice. pg. 4 - Ooh, so the Z thing makes Al fall apart?! Cool. I like this detail -- it really helps me understand Z better. pg. 5 - On this page, D sounds like they don't know who messed with the containment wall, but then before they get a chance to really think it through or anything, they confront F about it. pg. 7 - The information here about how D can't communicate telepathically is really helpful! I also appreciate the contrast between the Al and the S. pg. 8 - I'm still not solid on what the tanks are for or why Al need to be in them from time to time, or what it has to do with a quarantine, but maybe that will come later? This part is still a little confusing, though. pg. 9 - I also don't know exactly why PS is dangerous or why F wants to wake them up, and I also don't get why F would want to make their entire kind go extinct. More explanation would be awesome. Overall, this draft is a whole lot better than the last one, so great job! I don't feel the disconnect that I felt reading the last one. This draft gives me a better feel for the world and has a lot more stakes to it. However, I think it could still use a bit of explanation in the spots I mentioned. I also don't really understand Z very well, but I expect that this will come with time as well.

Hello! I agree that 2a should go with the one before it and should probably be shortened. I don't have a whole lot more to say about it, partly because I didn't feel like there was a whole lot there. pg. 1 - The whole thing with A explaining why the bird is important seems off in a couple ways. A fell asleep at some point between the previous chapter and this chapter, so clearly he had time to relax and it wasn't that urgent. Also, he would probably have already explained it before falling asleep. I think the waking up detail just needs to not be there. pg. 3 - The part where he introduces PART to the reader doesn't give me a lot of information about what PART is, which is probably what you were going for, but the way you phrased the sentence makes it sound like you're about to go into an explanation of it. Also, it doesn't seem to connect with the sentence about believing in the ancestors. Just a little bit of different wording would probably make it smoother. I also agree with everyone that it doesn't make sense for them to be chasing the bird around. More information about this would help to make it clear why A wants to follow the bird so intensely and why the others just follow along. For chapter 3: I'm still a little confused as to why A dreads seeing his family again. They clearly aren't mad at him. Even if his siblings are going to ask a lot of awkward questions, I don't think he would have this level of dread. Also, he hasn't mentioned his dad again after the end of chapter 2a. I feel like he should be dreading meeting his dad more than meeting his siblings based on that detail. I also agree with @kais that I don't feel super connected to the story and I also don't really know what the plot is or what the overall stakes are for the story. pg. 1 - I really love the description of Birdrock! It's such lovely imagery and I can really feel A's nostalgia. I can see the village perfectly. pg. 4 - I didn't see T club anyone over the head... this sentence could use more explanation. I agree with @Sarah B that meeting his mom was a little bit of a let-down after all the lead-up, but at the same time, the scene when he sees his mom again is just sweet. Overall, I really like chapter 3! It has a good arc and good description and nice resolution at the end.

Sorry I didn't see this sooner! What I did to make my mistcloak was I got a simple cloak pattern, mostly so I could use the hood pattern. I also got a whole bunch of grey polyester stuff that's stretchy and doesn't fray when you cut it (I could figure out what it's called exactly but I don't remember right off) and it kind of looks silky. This worked really well because then I didn't have to hem every single mistcloak strip, and it's really flowy, but I don't think it would work for a mistcoat sort of thing because it's so thin. Most of this stuff I found at Hobby Lobby. I sewed the stretchy polyester stuff to a hood made of regular grey cotton fabric, then cut the polyester stuff into strips. The grey cotton fabric was good for the hood because then it didn't flop around my face, and I don't think making it with two kinds of fabric really hurt it any. I didn't really use the cloak pattern for the strip part. I cut a quarter-circle out of one corner of the big piece of grey silky fabric, sewed the hood to the circle, and then sliced it up. I added another layer of strips underneath just to make it thicker. It was pretty easy really. I think if you want to do a mistcoat maybe just buy a long coat and cut the bottom up? I've almost finished my cosplay, by the way -- I haven't forgotten to post pictures lol I just don't have it all together yet.

I agree with what other people have said so far -- I think the worldbuilding is clearly very deep, and I don't appreciate long physical descriptions anyway so the vague physical descriptions that add detail over time are kind of nice. It would be easier to understand if there were less proper nouns thrown around all at once for sure. I think the beginning scene is interesting, but I also didn't have a really good idea of what was going on, why D was fixing something and how they were fixing it, which might just be because I'm not a technical person, but I'm still confused. The story did start picking up when D went to see the general, but the dialogue was a little hard to follow. Again, there were lots of proper nouns that didn't make sense. The dialogue also didn't have a lot of dialogue tags, especially on page 8, so I had to keep going back and looking at who said what. I get that nobody wants tons of tags, but a few more in there would make it less confusing. I also agree with others that the sentence structure is clunky in some places, but I think @Mandamon covered that pretty well. pgs. 7-9 - I really don't know what's going on in this part. So the general is trying to wake up someone... and the someone is powerful, and they will kill the entire species? It's very unclear why they would want to wake up the guy in the tank, why anyone would be in the tank in the first place, and why the guy in the tank is dangerous. The only thing I really got out of the conversation was that the general wants to do something, and D said no. pg. 9 - The whole thing about the body language makes no sense. Do they usually use body language? Do they always hide their emotions? What is "laziness" with body language? pg. 10 - Again, lots of proper nouns that I don't understand, and while I might understand them later on, they don't really seem to add much to the narration. pg. 10 - "non Carbon based life forms" -> "non-carbon-based life forms" (Also, I'm confused about this non-carbon-based life form thing. I think the A species isn't carbon-based, and it sounds like the A species doesn't talk about their own biology much, but it's hard to have any concrete information or deductions here.) pg. 11 - Whose understanding is embarrassing? I'm also really confused right here about what species K is a part of. I think the second scene is just very confusing as well. So... the Z thing is what's making everyone sick, and they're doing tests to figure out what's wrong with it. I think the A species is the only one affected by it, but I can't really tell for sure. I think the description is great, and I can really visualize what's going on, but I feel distant from the story, like I'm watching from the other side of a window and I don't have any context. I love how the worldbuilding is looking though -- I can tell you've done a lot of work to make it detailed and just overall really cool. I would like more information, though. I can tell you're trying to avoid info-dumping and you're trying to make the reader immersed in the world, but this does the opposite. I don't know what's happening or why this is important, so I disconnect. I also don't feel like I know any of the characters very well or how the species interact with each other, but that will probably come with time. More information about who's in charge here (the A or the S?) would be nice. Your story is coming along great, though! I love the A species already. A race with literally no bones?!? So cool! But I have a hard time understanding most of the story. More detail would be awesome and make the story more engaging. Hope this helps!

I agree with @Mandamon that there's just too many quirky, "funny" characters. More diversity between A and S would really help to make the reader invested in both characters more. I do like the first chapter better, but I feel like A still feels juvenile. I think the rice joke is a little unnecessary and confusing, and I honestly think taking it out entirely would be best. I think the bad jokes thing as a character trait is fine, but honestly I don't see why F smiles at the jokes and seems to like them so much -- I personally don't feel a lot of connection or interest to A because he still feels silly and young to me and, to be honest, he would really annoy me in real life. He does seem like a good person because he ran out in the storm and all, but it almost sounds like some of his charitable acts are just because he has to, so that makes me doubt if he's really a good person or not. I think there is too much skin color description. Personally, whenever there's a lot of description all at once when a character is introduced, I skim it and then forget about it later on, making up my own image of them in my head over time. I think it works better to slip in little bits of description over time slowly, so the reader makes up an image of the character as they get more bits of description. Especially with DK, I think the description sounds like a guy ogling his hot girlfriend, which annoys me. I agree with @Mandamon DK also doesn't seem to have a whole lot of character so far other than being the usual "badass girl saves her lame boyfriend" type. She just seems to be two-dimensional. We've only had one chapter of her, so it seems like maybe that could change... but as it is, she feels like a cardboard cutout that turns her emotions on and off for the purpose of the plot. I also feel like she's needlessly violent, like you're trying too hard not to make her sound "feminine" or "fragile," which basically does the opposite of that. I do appreciate how she seems to be in control, though. I don't have a whole lot of line-by-line tips, just a lot of general things. Your prose is great and your descriptions are awesome, but try to trust your readers a little more -- don't put in such detailed description of action. Let the reader fill in some details. But the plot seems very great so far and I can't wait to read more!

@Snakenaps I can't wait to learn everything there is to know! The variety is so exciting to me! I love the Lunar Chronicles too, but I haven't read The Seven Realms -- I'll have to check it out and add it to my (long and laborious but very exciting) reading list.

Hello! I just barely found this thread too! I mostly write fantasy stuff, and I've finished one novel (not that it's publishable) and have about ten other projects started but not finished. My big WIP right now is just about 10,000 words and I'm just starting to seriously worldbuild it. As a relatively new writer I'm always looking for new tips and tricks and I don't know a lot about how to write good but I'm working on it! I love writing so much as a way to be creative -- it's really the only thing I have any small amount of talent for so I'm hoping to get better every day. I'm a Ravenclaw, I love chocolate, and my favorite non-Sandersons are mostly YA authors like Cassandra Clare and Marissa Meyer.

Yay so it's possible! @Halyo_Alex I also think Cultivation would be great for him and I really like the idea of Sazed ruling the Cosmere.

Not a lot of things were spoiled for me, probably because I didn't really start reading things on here or on the Coppermind for a while. A lot of the things I figured out and got super excited about figuring out were things that I realized later had been figured out for a looong time already... which was a bummer. There was a long couple of years where I didn't know a lot about cosmere stuff as a whole, but I did know that the cosmere connected everything and finding Hoid has been my favorite kind of easter egg for basically forever. The biggest, most exciting reveal for me that I can remember was Szeth getting Nightblood, at which point I definitely hopped up and down screaming. I did figure out that Zahel and Azure were Vasher and Vivenna without help... but other than that everything else has mentioned (Vin's earring, Denth's betrayal, who the Hero of Ages is, the thing about humans not being native to Roshar) was a big shocker to me. Partly because I hadn't read anyone else's theories yet.

I'm not planning on eating/drinking any of them except the sprinkles one, and the metallic beads sound great! I will definitely post photos when it's done, but there's a looot of work to do to finish it so it might be a while. I'm definitely excited to put it all together though!

Thank you all so much for the ideas! I love the sprinkles idea and I actually did find metallic sprinkles at WalMart which I didn't expect to find so easily. Putting mouthwash in the vials also worked really well and actually isn't evaporating.

Nightblood, as a metal object with Investiture, strikes me as kind of similar to Hemalurgic spikes. Would Nightblood be similarly resistant to pushing/pulling with Allomancy?