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cnr87

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cnr87 last won the day on March 3 2013

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  1. I really loved this chapter. I feel like we are getting to a deeper level of the characters, and I love finding out more about the 10 species. Haha, I really loved this curse "By the ancestor's egg teeth." I have no idea what it means, but I like it anyway. I hate to pick at this again, but I still see a few problems with Sam's agoraphobia. Previously, you said that Sam would probably be shy, but upon first meeting Enos, he tries to get her to make eye contact and invites her to lunch. I do really want Sam and Enos to interact, but perhaps the suggestion could come from one of the magi instead of the apprentices? Or Sam could force himself to make conversation to avoid awkward silences? If the block is also helping with the social interactions, perhaps you could have Sam say something about how talking to girls was something he could have never done before, or something like that?-- Upon reading further, this does get better farther into the chapter. He becomes more awkward around her. I would still consider their first meeting though. Hmm, about the Cult of Form, so far, I haven't felt the way Aubrey does so far, but I think you should be cautious about it. If you were just trying to say they wear dark robes, perhaps you could call them dark robes or cowls that hid their faces instead. "while this Aridori rice paper flaps in the wind, what then?”... I'm not sure what this meant. Is this a cultural saying about the Aridori or something? I'm very curious to find out what Enos is being so secretive about.
  2. I really think this version is a lot better. Sam's character seems a lot more developed, and he reacts in a much more believable way to the stuff he is facing. I also liked the added scene where Rilan adds the block to his mind. And the scene where they are using the starmap is much more believable as well. Great job! Sorry it took so long to get back to you!
  3. Ah, and it's going to be very difficult for Sam to make a portal because he was agoraphobic and the only place he was truly intimately familiar with was his home? I think what you said you are writing will definitely clear up my only concerns. Looking forward to the next chapter, as always!
  4. I agree with Mandamon, I think this is an excellent suggestion. I would say also take it a step farther. Don't just show him doing these things, but show how he feels when he is doing them. This would let you see how he drastically changes toward the end of the piece.
  5. I agree with Turos Stoneward. This version felt much more personal. I was glad to understand how Sence gained her position and affluence. I was also pleased to see the changes in the interactions between the characters. Everything seemed much more dire in this one. I actually found myself siding with Sence, when last draft I sided with the king. I really love the updates. The only thing I want to point out is that you might want to put a small buffer between the conversation with Sence and Quaros and the conversation with Sence and Alina. It might make the conversations feel less overtly philosophical, which isn't for everyone. I really really loved it. I think this draft, despite the minimal changes, improved the story immensely. Great job!
  6. I think your story is progressing nicely. I think the Nether as a concept is really cool, and I like the intrigue of Sam being like the Methiemum but obviously not from the same world. I loved reading from Rilan's point of view. She has an interesting way of looking at things. I'm excited to see more interaction between Rilan and her new apprentice as well. It seems like that's going to be a fun thing to watch. Also, how on earth did they stick her with an apprentice who doesn't believe in the kind of science-magic that she does? That seems like a crazy oversight or a real jerk-move. Overall, I love love love this story so far. I'm sitting here wondering what happens next at this very moment. Some things that were a little off for me: I realize that you are working on Sam's reactions to the world, and his agoraphobia, etc. I was concerned more by how his reactions to others are. Being agoraphobic, he obviously hasn't been around a lot of people in his life(well the most recent part at least). I feel like he would probably have a hard time relating to others and/or be incredibly shy, unless his Aunt had a lot of visitors, or a large family that visited frequently, or did a lot of web communication. Why didn't Sam try telling Origon what his solar system was like? He might not know a lot of details, but he would probably know the basics: Yellow sun, 8-9 planets depending on when he was born, Jupiter is humungous, Saturn has Rings.. the color of Earth/Mars, etc... Origon might not know what he was talking about, but I'd assume Sam would try all the information he knew of his world.
  7. I really liked these chapters as well. You have good pacing and I like your character interactions. One thing that bugged me is that the "magic" was never explained. I get that it isn't really magic (at least in Origon's eyes), but I don't understand what it is if it isn't magic. That's perfectly fine if you intend to explain what he means soon... but right now I'm in the dark on what the not-magic is. Origon's speech pattern bothers me a little bit, as well. He's obviously worked with the language extensively in his dealings with the Maji, which should have improved his conversational abilities in the language. While it does make him stand out, I think I will find it frustrating in the long term. You've obviously put a lot of hard work into your story so far, and that shows in your writing and the complexity of your world. I really like it so far and can't wait to see how it pans out.
  8. I think the most important thing I've learned is that you don't have to write your story in order. I know that sounds silly, but I always assumed that everything but edits were written in order. I've had a much easier time since.
  9. I agree with the others. I really like the title, but it made me figure out what was going on really quickly. I also felt like Jack should have figured it out sooner. I agree with Mandamon on the fact that the gauges should have been checked before he left the ship. Or if the ship was too broken to check the atmosphere, surely he has a hand held gauge just for precaution. You may want to give a description as to what Jack's space suit looks like as well. When the aliens hit him, all I could think about was how big and bulky modern space suits are, and I wondered how his face could be hit at all, and whether the punches would actually hurt. I like the idea very much. I also love the final name he decides on for the new species. It's fantastic.
  10. I'm really interested to see where this is headed. I was impressed by how you were able to worldbuild so effectively using mostly dialogue and brief descriptions. It keeps things flowing nicely and is a great example of 'showing' rather than 'telling.' From your phrasing, I got the impression that this is a world in which women have a hard time gaining power. It is understandable for the wizard to be a woman as I'm assuming those talents are genetic rather than a learned skill. I do wonder how a woman like Sence (despite being incredibly clever) could have risen in esteem so highly before being a much older woman. Perhaps you could add something that helps show why she is esteemed so highly by the king and by others while being a 30-40ish year old woman. Another scene that gave me pause was the discussion between Vasco and Sence where she tries to convince him to take the risk. She is obviously very passionate about the subject, yet she behaves much more logically than most people I have met would be capable of. The situation is dire, so a little illogical behavior seems more likely to me. I really really really loved the idea of being able to transfer memories and the discussion that went with it. It actually made me sit here for five minutes trying to decide who was right. That is a very good sign. I really look forward to seeing the rest of your novelette!
  11. Hi Aubrey! I really liked your prologue, and I look forward to see where you are taking the story. I think you did well on explaining events from the POV of the kids from the most part, but I think that has been covered by others. Have you considered making the prologue simply from one point of view? I am not sure if your novel will be from a single point of view or from several, but I had a hard time with the mid-chapter transitions. Perhaps if the prologue was from the POV of a single character, but you do flashbacks later on to show how the other children were affected by that night you could still get your point across? I agree with Syme about the mother leaving the ship. I didn't see why it was necessary. If she had to press the override to get the ship out of the airlock, wouldn't she have known that from the beginning? If she did it because the grandma was too distraught to leave, maybe you can add a little dialogue to make the reason clearer. All in all, I think you've made a great start, and I look forward to seeing more.
  12. Hi everyone! My name is Carey. I'm 25 years old and from Alabama. I have been writing since I was a teenager, but I've never completed anything. I joined up hoping that I could find some accountability and see what others think of my writing. I have a pretty wide range in the books and authors that I love. Some of my favorite (non-Writing Excuses) authors are Robert Jordan, Orson Scott Card, Larry Correia, Jim Butcher, Janet Evanovich, Gail Carriger, Cherie Priest (Boneshaker and the others set in that world, mostly), J.K. Rowling, and Arthur Conan Doyle. I look forward to getting to know you guys. Carey
  13. Hi! I read your first chapter tonight, and I'm pretty impressed. I loved the pacing and the dialogue. I loved how I became attached to Emily so quickly. It says a lot about the style of your writing. I also loved the interaction in the big family group. I have a huge family, and it seemed very familiar to me. I would suggest that you take a look at the paragraph where the eggs actually explode. I had a harder time following what was going on there compared to the rest of the story. I also think you might want to consider the last line. "What am I?" Emily seemed to jump to the conclusion that she was some kind of something fairly quickly. Maybe if you made the interrogation with the cop longer, or gave a little more reason to why she might think that, the line would seem more natural. I'm glad you shared! Looking forward to seeing what you do with the story! Carey
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