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Lightbearer

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  1. Hi Liz, The beginning of this story created a strong sense of wonder and curiosity for me, which are my top prerequisites for sci-fi and fantasy. On the way, my interest grew when I got to the part where the Deathless was eating breakfast and the foxes were running outside. By the end, I was satisfied that the main idea was indeed interesting and had potential to create a good payoff. However, it broke my suspension of disbelief in several ways: - climax/mystery resolution. This was the biggest hurdle. Instead of letting the forest burn, the Deathless could've simply stopped smoking the moss. What he said (that they decided to let the forest go so that humanity stops relying on them) doesn't make sense because they could've decided to start aging at any time. No one forces them to smoke the stuff. - the utopia: The Deathless are presented as a utopian meritocracy, which is incompatible with the very nature of humanity. We're all a mixture of good and corruption. One has to wonder how long would it take for the first scientist to let his wife stay in the room with him. How long until they'd change the very law so as to enshrine their own interest. If these people are inhumanly incorruptible (for the sake of argument, say the smoke changes them, even though this doesn't come across from the story), how long would it take them to realize that deciding to let others die is supremely immoral? It took me minutes. That includes animals and plant life. For a utopian society they're not doing a good job, leaving foxes suffer. (Psychopathy/sociopathy are not good explanations either; it would indeed result in lack of empathy but would give them a strong desire to rule forever.) - utopia (b): so we have a super smart elite watching out for the interests of humanity but apparently don't care to educate people. The POV character doesn't know about an epidemic from 300 years ago. Don't they have internet? With a super smart elite, technology would advance like crazy. Disease isn't forgotten just because it's eradicated. We eradicated plague but still have the cure for it. We also remember smallpox well. - Planet of Hats: Not all people think alike so how did all the Deathless agree to commit suicide by forest burning at the same time? How come not even one of these smart people realized they could just stop smoking? - meaning of life (Planet of Hats b): Not all people think alike and so at least some would be fine with living eternally, or at least a lot longer than 300 years. Our loved ones die every day, not only from old age but from cancer, heart disease, suicide, and yet we live on. We find meaning in life not only by living through others but by doing interesting things, dedicating our lives to charity/volunteering/good causes, doing research etc. and apparently smart people find meaning in life easier because they keep themselves entertained, at least as long as they're healthy and not bankrupt. Plus, even if all their wives and husbands died, surely they had children and grandchildren and they'd have been interested in maintaining a living connection with those children, which would prevent them from getting lonely. For example, Anne Rice wrote a 6,000 yo vampire, Aunt Maharet, whose origin was the ancient Egypt and who dropped in regularly to protect her family, care for them, shower them in gifts and other material advantages, and love them - whenever she wasn't busy doing cool vampire stuff. Life has meaning beyond the death of our loved ones or we wouldn't be able to live knowing one day we'll lose them anyway. Life has meaning even beyond our own death. Besides, smart people would likely not allow themselves to be put in history as the cretins who let the forest burn. - eternal all-consuming love: Only a very few lucky people love their spouses with intensity until the end of their lives. As you advance in age, you realize they may die long before you and you'll have to live your hardest years on your own. It's a chance many of us take knowingly. On the other hand, humans are adaptable enough to get over the deaths of loved ones, especially when modern marriages break apart more often than not. In this scenario, at least a few scientists would hook up with each other. Maybe some of them weren't even married to begin with. Maybe others weren't interested in marriage, or even relationships. Takes all sorts to make a world. - nukes: why would they have used nukes and risk to contaminate the forest, and also provoke nuclear winter? The thing with nukes is that they're only scary as long as no one uses them; after that, the other side has nothing left to lose. Modern military strategists know that and that's why no one used nukes ever again after the big booboo in Japan. Besides, this isn't the sort of conflict for which you use tactical nukes. It's the sort of conflict in which you use ground troops because you need to be able to not only take, but also hold the ground. You go in with ground troops, establish perimeter, and then build the mightiest antimissile shield the world has ever seen.- the non-research researchers: with a scientist elite, it's impossible the forest wasn't researched to death to find the mortality cure. Being a scientist isn't a profession, is a way of life dominated by curiosity. It itches and it burns and it doesn't let you sleep. You don't have a choice, you must find out what the deal is, and 300 years is plenty of time for that. At the very least you take samples and cultivate them in secret before you burn the forest (but you do it with years in advance to make sure you can grow them elsewhere and the magic still works). All this being said, the story is very interesting. My suggestions are: - either you do worldbuilding until these questions are addressed and change the outcome to whatever fits the world logic; - or accept that this was a dystopia disguised as utopia and think who'd have the interest to keep it that way, burn the forest at the end, and why. Make that the villain. - meaning of life: it's possible that the theme of the story, which is meaning of life for immortal humans, needs a novel-length exploration. Either of these will ensure a satisfying climax and resolution. Minor sidenotes: - when I read "Pablo noticed that his face looked slightly green", it made me think the Deathless was a zombie, impression which persisted for a while, especially in light of the past epidemic; - when I read about the forest fires, I almost dared hope it's Australia or something. Then again, everything happens in North America.
  2. Now this I wasn't aware of, I thought they're both gender neutral. I looked it up while reading and found this resource where zie/hir is gender neutral https://lgbtrc.usc.edu/trans/transgender/pronouns/ and this other resource where xyr is again gender neutral https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/xyr, hence my original take. That's very cool! ... I don't think it's too long, you need reaction scenes and the characters need to talk these things at some point. I didn't see any information that can be removed without loss of meaning either. Since it's a short chapter, you could maybe simply follow the characters into their next action scene.
  3. to clarify, for me as a someone who's always been somewhere between demi and grey, ranging up to a-, it's jarring to get to be introduced to someone's gender characteristics first. It feels like a violation to not know their taste in music, or their humor, or their favorite color, their favorite author, taste in clothing, or if they have siblings, but to know about their gender identity. And then at the end to be accused of disrespect when my own position with respect to gender dynamics is negated simply because I'm being pegged down as someone I'm not. I've come out and said it. Stereotyping is also disrespectful, especially when I'm not arguing against gender neutral pronouns (I am using gender neutral pronouns in my novel too) but against too many different words that mean the same thing.
  4. I was not suggesting you are and am not asking to know about your medical history. Mine's a sensitive subject for me as well. I did in fact hear people without anything as much as a broken nail claiming they wouldn't give away their condition and found it unbelievable from my perspective. You can imagine it was jarring to hear it - I guess I was complaining. i am happy to edit my original post if you could indicate how to edit the sentences such that it's still clear which sections I'm referring to. I have temporarily removed the quotes' middle sections until you reply.
  5. I was not arguing for a gender binary. I was arguing for a single set of gender neutral pronouns regardless of the homeworld new characters come from. He, she, and xyr or they or zie but not all 3 of them.
  6. i am not arguing against diversity but I am saying that using two sets of pronouns with identical usage is unnecessary. There was a set of gender neutral pronouns introduced for W Wob and now there is a second set, which as far as I can tell does exactly the same thing, for P, whom I lost track of. I don't know their species or how they dress or their role in the plot or in the council but I know a new set of pronouns just for P.
  7. “They shared secrets, yet..." to "disturb the air around them.” -- Every time the horse is mentioned, she is suggested to be unable to speak. The “needed no voice” seems to say that it’s no problem for communication that the horse can’t speak, which is like saying she strictly can’t speak. “The girl-who-had-been-a-horse the nine" to "gathered would have noticed?” -- Because of omniscient, this para doesn’t indicate that it’s the POV of the 9 advisors that the horse can’t speak. Then this seems to be confirmed by “her dark eyes spoke volumes”, which suggests she doesn’t have the ability to produce sound. This wouldn't be unique as the Little Mermaid remained mute after she transformed in the original Andersen fairytale. Then later on there’s another departure from omniscient and a cross into the POV of the 9 “The horse-who-" to "scholasticism alike”. Readers who see omniscient would assume the narrator is giving them the real story, unfiltered through POV. Then “It was a shame that the girl [...] and her sister could no longer speak” added confusion. This reads like they literally can’t speak and furthermore, adds on top of every other suggestion that the horse can’t speak. I don’t know how the horse can tell who wouldn’t listen to her anyway without giving them a chance first. Moreover, she doesn’t seem to speak to anyone and the breaks in omniscient suggest she doesn’t have a full level of human cognition. As a pet owner and a parent, I will say preemptively that not having full human cognition is not a reason for discrimination when it comes to loving that being – just in case my words might be misconstrued. I hope it’s clear what causes confusion re the horse’s ability to speak. Now about the ableism point. Much like horse and mare get conflated in normal language to generalize and streamline, the human species is the only one we know of to be endowed with high abstract cognition. The hallmarks of this ability are behavioral and a major behavioral clue is the ability to speak given all the necessary equipment. On the other hand, the word ableism refers to disability discrimination, i.e considering people with disabilities inferior. It’s rather harsh to make an ableism claim based on a comment about a horse in a fairytale and as a disabled person I’m surprised to be confronted to it. Sadly I see the word “ableism” flung around lately by people who aren’t disabled themselves and don’t know what it means to have your life made harder by some deficiency. Some of these people even claim they would keep their disability if they had one – if you hear of any willing, I can give them mine.
  8. This was a shorter chapter that seems more like a reaction scene with elements of planning to the end. Pg. 1 – Hand D is such a cool name I wish their species was called that – much like the face dancers in Dune – instead of L Shades of black are a thing, there’s no less than 24 of them. Instead maybe you could say she saw colors she didn’t have a name for and was pretty sure didn’t exist. Having 10 species with as many genders and dozens of named characters and political factions is confusing enough, especially without clear ways to separate each visually, so having separate pronouns for each species (now hir and zie) is too much worldbuilding for me. I want to just follow the plot instead of being swamped in so many cultural differences. Surely if the Net can pass something as complex as emotions, it can also simply specify the gender by which each character likes to be addressed and then unify them all in English to streamline the show. I understand the problems of political correctness and representation nowadays but this is, after all, primarily a novel and the secondary aspects should not be given more attention to than or hijack the action. Otherwise it risks becoming Anvilicious. In short, I personally don’t need to know about these people’s genitals as I’m never going to ask W Wobn on a date – I’m sure W’s an upstanding Prophet but our senses of humor differ too much. Also I don’t even know what P is or what he looks like so knowing his preferred pronoun is superfluous. Pg. 4 – In O’s speech paragraph “If he wasn’t careful, he was going to show some ankle doing that.” This seems like O’s thought, not R’s? Pg. 5 – “Why did two more appear” – from M’s battle with a creature I knew they must be like the Arid… but now I’m convinced they travel in pairs because of the thing with the 2 instances, however that works (I didn’t read book 2). So I’m guessing S, E, and I already have the answer to this and now we’re seeing 2 more groups arriving to those questions. Is that correct? Pg. 6 – “As long as both twins are with him, the three form an imposing trio” – Repetition, I suggest changing to ‘together they’re an imposing trio. Pg. 7 – “as only one with his inflated sense of self could” – R’s comments make her seem annoyed at everyone all the time or at least she seems to dislike them all. That entire para is a mix between O and R and their respective streams of actions and dialog need to be separated in different paras. “were you just planning on spilling the twins secrets without their permission” – what O was saying about the LC smuggling a Dra seed on his ship seems like a major plot point that needs to be shared with allies as soon as possible. Keeping it a secret makes no sense even if it’s sensitive to someone, and anyone should be sensible enough to see that. It doesn’t make R’s seem more trustworthy but less mature. Pg. 9 – the last sentence looks extraneous to me. Ending with R’s statement is punchier in my opinion.
  9. Pg.1 – chapter opens very cool with the sentient S Beast doing coordinate calculations. I really would like to get more visual info on how this scene looks like. Does everyone speak the hand sign language used by TD? Pg.2 – “To me!” M called, bringing the others back to him.” – I’d rather have him call them and a reaction line showing them hurrying to assemble around him to show action in the scene. The orange grubs don’t seem threatening – perhaps the description should capture the shell articulations of their plated armored backs, menacing glitters hidden deep in sockets of their armor, and sharp teeth and claws or something. Pg.3 – the grubs escaped the building but no one is pursuing them to kill them? Pg. 4 – so they go out, see a moving shape, G yells ‘there’ and it’s another person. This confused me a lot, I was still expecting them to try and pursue the creatures that escaped and can wreak havoc through the city. Instead of trying to solve the more urgent issue of the creatures, M wants information from this person, which is strange in the circumstances. Pg. 5 – the talk of whose fault it is seems superfluous as it seems to condition the maji’s action on whether it’s their fault; in an emergency they are oddly focused on where the blame goes Pg. 6 – I like M more than S; he’s got more personality and internal dialog, which S is missing. However, the political side isn’t very interesting, because it’s mainly evoked through a deluge of names. It could become interested if M had personal interests there. “M watched K and how easily she supported G. He really should design a S Beast conveyance of his own, though maybe with less personality. K was an amazing person, but he wasn’t looking to revive any more dead friends or relatives. He’d left enough of those behind him.” – Gorilla in the phone booth. Big one, batting his hairy chest saying ‘look at me’. All I want to know now is M and K’s backstory and how this resurrection business works. Pg. 7 – “A group of seventeen maji was an intimidating force” and “There were hints of the creatures […] and M was certain there were more than just the two” – and yet the group wasn’t doing anything about the creatures. It’s counterintuitive. Even if the maji had their own interests to take care of and were so self-interested that they didn’t care what happened to the people in the street, they could’ve been attacked by a gaggle of these creatures so they should’ve acted. Pg. 8 – the majus stopping to talk to them quite at length downplays the importance and rush of the evacuation. There seems to be little urgency on all sides in response to the creatures killing people in the street. The characterizations and descriptions placed here also slow the pace of the emergency scene. Ideally they should come as the group heads to the Spire and end before they start talking to the majus. Pg. 9 – “So far the invaders seemed to be avoiding the Spire.” – Having just arrived at the scene, M is there for too little time to be able to judge this, since he has no information about the creatures’ numbers Is K’s armrest described anywhere else before this? I don’t know what it is and how it looks like so having it mentioned here is another gorilla in the phone booth, competing with the first. Now they can beat each other’s chests. Pg. 10 – it’s confusing how TD can stammer if he’s using hand sign language Pg. 11 – “large predatory fish” – it’s the second time the orange creatures are compared to sharks in this chapter. It’s clearly sharks so it’s time to call them sharks or find other similes if mentioning sharks would ruin the worldbuilding too much. To me it looks like these characters might’ve well heard of sharks since they have so many world to draw reference upon. “Mandamon had no idea if one of them had made a sound” – they were all talking “fin straightened to a blade” – if the fin is on its back like a shark’s, what does it mean that it straightened? It can’t impale them with a fin that’s on its back. Pg. 12 – characterizing Gre and having TD speak in the middle of the charge is breaking the action. Better show the charge instead of TD’s sentence, which is on the long side for a tense moment M’s internal dialog is too long and unconcerned for a tense moment I’m only inferring that the creature is charging straight at M from the reactions of those around him but it’s never shown it’s charging and where it’s heading. Showing the charge would contribute to tension. “He positioned the portal sideway, edge-on in the air, something he had never purposefully done before.” – good one! I definitely like M Pg. 13 – “There were holes in his coat and in his shoes. He liked those shoes.” – this is the type of writing emotion I like most. It’s not overly expressed, or told straight, it’s implied by what the character is thinking, and I fully feel the disappointment of losing a great pair of shoes. damnation it! Pg. 15 – “like a treesloth in his knothole” – I like these comparisons. I can tell what they mean and they do an excellent job evoking the world. Pg. 15 – “No. No more hiding.” – I like M more than S. M is more of a developed hero whereas S is a kid who lives a lot internally and a little externally, and has little to make him interesting.
  10. Sorry for the delay, just recouping now the unexpected break I had to take over the holidays. Here are my comments on chapter 2 - will upload chapter 3 and 4 soon. I’m not completely lost but there are clearly things I don’t know, the most interesting being the other minds in E’s head. I can kind of guess how Time and the facets work though, and I have a feeling E might have absorbed other Es from different facets but am unsure if this is indeed the process. It’s still hard to picture what’s going on. Probably due to skipping the second book, I find it hard to get into the romance, so my take on it is likely not representative. However, when things get emotional in pages 3-5, the emotional part is more telling than showing. I generally find that with emotion a mix of showing and telling is ideal. This isn’t to do with my investment in the romance but to the way emotion reads to me on page in general. I don’t mind it but should still make the point about the super-alien looking aliens. If all the different species can co-inhabit the Net, which offers one set of living conditions to all, then it’s strange they evolved to be so different in morphology – up to breaking suspension of disbelief. I am personally happy to play along and ignore the problem but not all readers might agree. End of pg. 15, from ““Will you be all right…” to “He had grown in the last few days.” – this reads like a reaction scene dropped in the middle of the plot. It’s pulling the handbrake so ideally reaction scenes should be kept separate. Also telling he had grown may come across as jarring to some readers, ideally growth should be convincingly demonstrated. Moreover, to me personally it reads very meta, i.e. character development, so it pulled me out of the story. On a different note, I recently had a Fridge Horror moment, albeit not at the fridge. So, is the Net… taking the emotional information it’s passing around from the body language of characters or lifts it straight from their minds?
  11. Stating the obvious – this is storytelling in omniscient. Pg. 5 – It’s unclear how the prince is in love with the horse since the horse can’t speak. And is it a horse or a mare? Pg. 6 – only paraphrasing here: ‘the sacrifice was great but mere friendship could not compare to love’ – but it was just said the prince loved the horse equally so this part is confusing. Pg. 6 – The girl&horse's acceptance of everything is breaking suspension of disbelief. It’s still not clear if the horse gained human-like behavior or not. I assume it did but am unsure since the prince's love isn't a reliable confirmation. Fun ending. I’d expect the 9 new horses to be less well-behaved and a lot angrier with their condition, but this reads like a children’s story or an Aesop so within this framework it makes sense to simplify character emotion/reactions. -- Anything that you didn't understand or that I wasn't clear about. The magic system, but it’s clear it’s not within scope of the story to explain it. -- Anything I might have hinted that would happen but didn't (promises I made but didn't keep) No. -- Is the queen okay? She’s fun but the first time she’s mentioned it’s out of the blue; by that point I had no idea there was a queen. Then I couldn’t tell right away if evil queen or simply the prince’s mother. The first instinct was to think she’s evil queen because of tropes. It's unclear how she's so accepting of her son marrying the stable girl and the horse instead of brining a sturdy political alliance but I can ignore that in the context. -- How much do you hate those guys? They seem to be vilified by simplifying them – but then all the characters are simplified. The 9 don’t seem to have a strong motivation to recommend the horse to be killed and so they’re reduced to single-trait villainy. But this stopped mattering to me because I liked the ending and simply accepted them as the bad guys. -- Am I bashing around too much with the clue hammer at that one point? What point is that?
  12. Late due to the holidays but here are my comments. The story seems a memoir in that it’s telling rather than showing. In this case, the telling is atmospheric but with the trade-off that it feels like one emotional note, nostalgia. To this feeling contributes the relatively unvarying sentence length around 30+ words. This structural invariance makes sentences hard to follow and focus hard to keep. There’s a lot of foreshadowing of something ominous, the fog, the eyes, the vanishing ginger cake, but some of the other background detail could be removed, e.g. parts of the cooking, preparing, moving things etc. They make the story feel long although not much is happening. On the other hand, there seem to be things happening in the present, like decorating the tree, but they aren’t dramatized – again memoir-like. The sugar and bird ornament remarks telegraph the girl will die. In page 7 more atmospheric description which could be shortened. The atmosphere is already set and we’re curious to see where it’s all going and see the payoff. I didn’t understand the ending, why would the grandmother come and take the girl, where would they go, why no one remembers her, why there’s a frost ring in the bed. I don’t understand if this is magic realism or some magic system. There’s also a great amount of foreshadowing that seems to supply the mechanism of the magic system, like the light, but I didn’t understand how it all comes together. The story read like a dream.
  13. I've read the comments only after reading the piece so I'm opening with my notes. I loved the worldbuilding: the plague and war, the specialties of various musicians, the visual glimpses into the world (there are no rich visual descriptions but to me everything looked Wagnerian, and Astrid’s statue wears a Valkyrie’s winged helmet). It’s impressive how much WB you managed to stuff into that first page and how evocative it’s of the feeling of the world. Did you use a certain technique to do it or does it come naturally to you? (I’m currently working on creating the world feeling in my novel). The rate at which the information came was perfect. But do note that I enjoy learning (provided that it’s interesting) so my opinion may not be representative. There’s some great humor, both in-story and meta. Opening with the MC walking (performing an action) and witnessing yet another disaster was a good way to establish stakes and instill dynamism without the MC protagging as such. It’s Brandon’s advice so he’d approve. He did say he always opens with his protag doing something even if it’s just walking. It's also good you open with a remote disaster, which foreshadows the inciting incident of B's death in the sinkhole collapse. I enjoyed the first 10 pages and oppose cutting them. While my suspension of disbelief was not challenged, it did feel like skirting the edge of the absurd. This is probably due to music as a magic system, even though I enjoyed the implementation very much. The good part is that an orchestra summons, in my mind, great knowledge and technical acumen displayed by imposing virtuosos high up on a stage. The bad part is that music (in general) feels abstract and – dare I say – artsy, which suggests some unreliability to it, or maybe simply the (false) dichotomy between art and scientific exactness. So I suggest that the magic system would benefit from anchoring with technical detail regarding procedures, limitations, and costs. Having technical detail is like saying ‘we’re pros here, we got this’. It doesn’t have to be much or very technical – let me give an example. Terry Pratchett’s Discworld wizards at the Unseen Academy were prepping to summon Death to ask him some thing or another; he hated being summoned so the Rite of AshkEnte was highly dangerous. The commentary was that normally the rite involved a week of fasting, thick candles, abstruse paraphernalia, and thaumaturgical circles with drawings in 8 colors, the number 8 being highly symbolic. However, it had been discovered that, in a pinch, the rite could be performed with a simple incantation, 3 small sticks, and 4 cc of mouse blood. Despite the (intentionally) comic ludicrousness of this tiny detail, its precision suggests that wizards must know what they’re doing. Much research (and likely numerous deaths) must’ve gone into establishing the minimal working quantities – and who’d think of mouse blood without already being desperate? To anchor orchestral music as a magic system to be reckoned with and dispel potential feelings of unreality, I’d like to see some such (minor) detail established early on. Terramancy takes 12 years of study and perfect pitch, sure, but will the musician’s leg fall off if they sing the wrong note? What are the limitations and consequences of the magic system? The system seems very powerful and, at times, hard to practice – but is it dangerous to the practitioner? Some skin in the game wouldn’t hurt. What are the costs of this magic? The bit where we see E repairing H’s floor is excellent – we see the tools of the trade, feel the felt on the mallet, hear the chimes etc. This isn’t the sort of technical detail that helps understand how and why music functions as magic, but it’s letting the reader experience using the magic so it’s great in that way. Loved the irony with H’s daughter – preparing cake to celebrate her restored health and then she dies while bringing ingredients from the cellar. But then I’m known to occasionally appreciate dark humor so don’t take my reaction as representative. I realized immediately that it was his daughter in the basement upon reading her name, it was to be expected after the buildup with the cake. But do note that the name is not readily readable as a woman's name to English speakers, who aren't familiar with -it and -ir terminations for women's names. B's death is the inciting incident but it's not set up clearly enough. Why is this the last straw that determines E to say 'that's it, I'm doing it'? Maybe we should see B in the store, greeting E, maybe they're friends and E is personally distraught instead of experiencing the loss vicariously through H's eyes? As it is, for some it was too small to register as the inciting incident. Strengthening this bit will make E stand out more as the protag instead of being swept out in A's charisma. I don’t understand why musicians have jobs and also must perform as rescue workers, doctors etc? I.e. E working as a visa reviewer. Shouldn’t they have just their job as musicians as it’s important enough? I wouldn’t like to think it’s a bunch of hobbyists that are performing the magic in this world. I liked how E and C had a moral argument where one couldn’t be said to be right over the other. “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald Astrid is great. Her people clearly need some of her no-nonsense attitude. Speaking of limitations, can be soul of the deceased travel infinitely far away from their body? If so, they could be summoned anywhere so that can’t be true or they wouldn't need to go to the grave. If it’s not true, there’s a summoning radius and some sort of trade-off must be done to expand that radius when you walk away. Since the power comes from pitch, which needs to be perfect at all times, what else do they need to add in order to expand the radius? Volume? more musicians? Would big miracles take the full orchestra? How far away from the body could a full Vocs choir be at the most? Do you need to add musicians with the square of the distance? I liked the play on contrasts – but then I like contrasts in general so don’t take my taste as representative. First it was toasting for H’s daughter health only to find her dead. Then it was trampling all across the taboos of Vocs by the only person they couldn’t contradict – the deceased who moreover doubled as their founder. These are great in terms of expectation/reality for those who enjoy irony and thematic playfulness. Possibly going even into ludonarrative dissonance. Vocs having to repair C’s throat – it needs to be stated clearly how this works. I understand it’s supposed to work like that and this is a limitation but I’d like to feel certainty, and ideally know why. If C summoned A is he now the only one who can? If others can summon A too, how much time needs to pass between C’s summoning and theirs? And why can’t someone else do it instead? If only he can summon her for a while, then it means it can’t be only pitch that gives power, there must be the Voc’s personal something, e.g. fundamental frequency. Right now it feels more like the technical aspects aren’t worked out but rather C is the deuteragonist and therefore he’s got the action for plot reasons. Pg. 21 – I liked that they were doing research on A’s song but I don’t understand why was this information lost in the first place. If it was the war and the plague, make it a point there to close the foreshadowing loop. Always try to close the foreshadowing loop in half a sentence because the reader will have forgotten by the time the info is needed. This is possibly the biggest weakness of the story. You've set up everything but then didn't make it come full circle, which is why it feels like it wasn't set up. I liked the ending. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Taboos could die starting here in favor of a no-nonsense approach. Well said. It needs to more clear it's about (1) being on pitch and (2) the musician's connectedness to the source of Music (whatever that source is, would be nice to know). Right now these two bits of info are scattered and lost somewhere in pages 15 and 19. It needs to be at least foreshadowed so that it clicks into place when we see it outright stated. @Silk and @Mandamon are right on these points although I personally don't need more backstory. These elements could be mentioned in passing but that should suffice, i.e. establish it's a peaceful, traditionalist location with low crime/conflict and limited resources. As to the answers, I can well assume some people left while others chose to stay behind because it's hard to be a homeless refugee in a foreign country; some will even be old and stubborn and unable to walk well. I can also assume the sinking phenomenon started at most a few years prior (or it would've all collapsed already) and the bureaucracy, belief systems, and taboos of Ag... delayed things – just like in the real world where we know about climate change for 70 years and still do nothing to address it other than denying it or pretending to act (e.g. diesel emissions scandal). In fact the premise sounds like climate change with coastal erosion and land sinking in places like Stockholm and Netherland. About the full orchestra being present – we expect catastrophes everywhere daily but we only call rescuers when necessary since we can't predict where disaster will next hit. Besides, the musicians seem to have jobs on top of their magic attributions, so it's an imperfect world with poor planning and limited resources. About failsafes, the music magic doesn't seem suited for creating them – though we don't really understand how it works, it's unlikely they would be able to make a song that would keep a house suspended in the air or prevent an earthquake that hasn't happened yet. It's also foreshadowed at the beginning of the story that they need to wake A because they can't use the music to its full potential because they don't know how/what to sing. However, since it's a big plot point, it should be insisted upon, maybe mentioned again in E's inner dialog 'we forgot so much in these 500 years' or something. About getting to the grave easily – it could be a cultural aspect. In Sweden, where this piece seems based, you sleep with the garage door open and still find your tools in the morning. If resources are limited, no one would guard a tomb when the only threat is a Voc... and it's established local Vocs won't wake A. Assuming ease, E and C don't need to plan much to get into what's basically a museum, especially if E spent her whole life in the location. And they did get caught. Again, all these aspects can be quickly referenced in E's thoughts to get them out of the way. She can express in 1 sentence frustration with the slowness of decision making and the blindness of the government etc. One last but essential point. it's possible your protag isn't showing enough personality, which makes A seem like the cherry on the cake, which makes the entire opening seem like an intro to her entrance. Sure, E is protagging, taking decisions etc but we don't witness her personality. Given the ending, I don't think you designed her as a blank/featureless protag, in which case she needs to get more unpleasant spinach in the beginning so we can appreciate the cake she gets when she plays alongside A. There's no real triumph without a challenge and B's death isn't sufficient for the reasons I outlined. BIg end-of-the-world stakes are important for the epic feeling but the protag needs to go into the climax with strong personal stakes, otherwise it all feels remote and principial.
  14. Nope, I just commented tonight. Have a safe, pleasant trip, @Mandamon!
  15. Cheers @Mandamon. Managed to finish the first one and the summary so I can dive into this. Here's my two cents. A couple of points on the first book, in case you find them useful: I figured E must be Arid... when R touched her accidentally, then I got convinced when they all visited the place of the Dr... where the parents died but I can't say why The Symp… feels like the wavefunction in quantum mechanics with synesthetic effects I figured it’s time when you showed me the second Dr… in action (I think on Meth…) because of the cold and motionlessness. The description suggested nearing an event horizon I really need more visuals/description Some of the longer names are hard to read and remember Chapter 1 Fall of the Imperium – unfortunately I couldn’t keep track of the page because of the intro sections. Comments as I go: Still need more visuals/description the second book probably ends in cliffhanger but even those who read it need to be refreshed regarding the location and events (maybe in style ‘in the previous episodes/and now the conclusion’) “What they did was outside even the range of the Symp…” - wait, there’s something outside its range? Isn’t this stuff like the essence of the universe? Possibly because I missed the Facets of the Nether, I’m confused in this first chapter; it’s hard to track who the factions are and what they want. On the diadem that’s connected into the Eff…’s head – it’s a piece of Net… so it must be given to them by the Net… itself? So what’s the deal with the Eff… and how do they get their powers, are they special/chosen by the Net…? Sam’s jealousy – so I’m not sure how their polyamory works at this point if he’s jealous; in fact, I’m not sure how polyamory with twins works logistically when they get to second base and after but that’s an aside If Enos’ transformation was so major, I hope it was on screen, especially if it’s interesting and earned her character development. Speaking about it in retrospect reduces engagement. This first chapter is loaded with expositional dialogue/backstory. On the upside, it’s interesting and I enjoy the information. On the downside, it’s hard to follow and perhaps there’s a way to show some of this information instead of dialogue delivery. On the hard to follow part, I think I’d personally prefer to just be straight told a good chunk of exposition instead of it trickling through dialogue. It would be easier to follow and over faster. In addition, the exposition in the dialogue is diced into bits that are mixed with extraneous anchors like, “and what do you think?” or “have you ever heard of it?” Since it’s not important if they heard of it and we need to hear it anyway, perhaps it’s easier to straight out tell. Or show - find a library crystal, plug it into the Net… and show it as a cool hologram maybe, or straight out tell parts of it. This could be a matter of personal preference though, of course. Overall. If there's stuff outside Symp... range and inter-universe travel and effects are so common, they might become plot-breaking devices because they're too powerful when the physicality of a universe routinely affects that of others to such degree. i know you have an outline but the sheer power could still cause tension with suspension of disbelief.
  16. Fun story! The good: - Cthulhu mythos - cool - Loved the shoggoths. It would be fun to have even more body horror. The idea of the shoggoth swallowing a body without blood, sound, and any trace is awesome - the math puzzle bit. Loved the change of base reference and how L shows her hands to imply 'omg how many fingers do they have'. - "The moment between the sound and the arrival was the true hell. The dread of seeing worse than the sight, as crackling became breaking, becomes shattering." - awesome, canonically 'indescribable' horror, these are so much fun - "hungry beings humanity had been unknowingly calling from the deep black sky" - excellent The bad: - Like @Mandamon, I've had trouble visualizing. Usually it's advised against trying to paint a too exact picture with words because people never imagine it exactly the same and it takes lots of words. It's good that the cable setup paragraph sounds complicated because it implies effort; but those words could be used to imply effort by showing emotional/physical consequences, for example 'Then came the setup. No new people helping. Only old pros. First they drove bolts deep into the largest trees across the gully. Then they secured the steel cable with enough carabiners so it wouldn’t kink. These were the biggest pain to place. If the cable kinked or locked on itself, it could snap. Or so L claimed. She’d better be right – the setup was an hour of hard work getting everyone winded. Tense shadows deepened around their eyes with each minute of being exposed.' This para has 85 words instead of the original 99 and leaves aside some technical detail to focus on why it's hard on the people. - In the opening, where L is introduced, I wasn't sure she was there next to the guy or he's just reminiscing. You can probably cut ~1/3 of the first page by making the setup and descriptions shorter and punchier, like 'He wasn’t sure when L came to the woods. Little showed from under the ragged jeans and mold-green hoodie, pulled up and cinched snug. As she walked at his side, the occasional glare of thick glasses and stray greasy hairs were all that suggested a human. She might've been twenty, fifty, or perhaps a forest troll.' A short story doesn't need more than that to introduce the deuteragonist. - You can also shorten the reaction scene where the MCs argue with the secondary characters, there's no investment in those characters so the threat of their departure isn't driving up the tension. However it's good there is a reaction scene and this paragraph is excellent "Hostility was sitting with them, another member of the party, taking all the space and breathing all the air. It had a hand on a few of their necks and was squeezing." Maybe shorten the second sentence to "It had hands on their necks and was squeezing" Writing 101 -> helps reduce word count: - the story needs a good round of editing - there are quite a few typos. If you review it again in 1-2 days, you'll find places where the writing can be tightened. For instance, "She was new, Jacob realized she had arrived with the other new lady, the one who didn’t make it to the trees." can be shortened to "She came with the woman who didn't make it to the trees." - speaking of tightening, review and decide which descriptions are not absolutely necessary. For instance, "The cage had gotten new scratches but the radio looked safe in it’s padding." can well be "the cage had new scratches but the radio was intact". Without color, shape etc there's no way to visualize the padding so it doesn't add to the story. - filter words (words that increase narrative distance) need to be cut, e.g. the MC realized, saw, remembered, noticed etc. These have their place where used to explain MC's emotional state but not otherwise. In the above example, "the radio looked safe", 'looked' is a filter word because it filters the image of the radio through MC's eyes. - verb tense. Switch to past simple instead of past perfect. "the cage had gotten new scratches" can well be "the cage had new scratches" without loss of meaning. - better to cut all mentions of the number of bolts and eyeholes, they don't help visualize, but break flow and add word count. All details this specific are better left out from short stories. Secondary character names can be removed, they're not characterization and therefore don't flesh out these people. - the 'the' is sometimes unnecessary, i.e. here "until the gravity drew all the blood down" should be 'until gravity drew...'. Other instances can be rephrased to cut it, e.g. "The smarter thing would have been to strap it to the outside of his pack" can be "it would've been smarter to strap it to his pack" - contractions - use them everywhere since it's fiction writing
  17. To clarify, my suggestion was different. The foreshadowing of ventriloquism is well placed and well made, but probably not strong enough. I refer to "I Can See Your Lips Moving". The moment I saw the name, I could tell what the book is about - so that was clear, at least to me, but I only caught the name on the second read. My suggestion was to move the name of the book out of the dense first paragraph, where it gets lost. Maybe you could have the MC drop the book when the bullies attack to have its name closer to the reveal and make it a punchier point. It would also help to have the name of the book in a short sentence on its own in a paragraph to make it easier to see.
  18. Hi there, There were 2 ways to interpret the ending: - either it's fantasy (which I know it's not because you said in the mail) and there's a speaking magic cat - or it's not, and then we have a bully story where the MC is overcoming his fear of bullies by channeling his inner ventriloquist. This is supported by the foreshadowing in the opening with the name of the practice book. (sadly I only noticed it the second time I read the story, which makes it good foreshadowing, but not strong foreshadowing) The true interpretation needs to be clearer because the name detail is hard to keep in mind by the end since everything that's in the story is new information. Maybe it would help keeping the memory fresh if you put the sentence with the book's name alone in a paragraph, like saying 'hey brain, hold onto this.' Otherwise: - the prose flows well - the story is engaging - there's real frustration and conflict building when the bullies show up; nice naming them by their characteristics A and D - there could be more character development personality-wise and through sensory cues for MC; perhaps emphasize physical fear cues when meeting bullies - if the MC has an illness, that's a limitation/weakness and not a fault; a classical example of the fault would be bullying/cruelty, which is the bullies' fault - the uncertainty regarding what's happening (magic/no magic) suggests a lack of clarity. You mentioned the contest imposed specific character faults - it would help knowing what faults they are in order to opine how could the story be strengthened. Perhaps keeping a closer 3rd POV and feeding more of MC's inner thoughts would be a solution to more clearly send across motivation (why MC is afraid of speaking, why he freezes) and why would ventriloquy be the solution for him.
  19. Respecting your beta readers time is minimal writer's etiquette. Your comment above is explicitly disdainful and ad hominem because now you are framing me 'someone' as unworthy of being addressed; this isn't an attack on my discourse but on me. I am petrified.
  20. I am not a staunch atheist, which is why I always loved Sanderson's treatment of religion. The way he shows (not tells) that people need it, the glimmer of hope in immortality he introduces in his work. My commentary on religion in this case explicitly referred to how it's practiced in real life, and particularly to the jarring dichotomy between moral teachings and application. I doubt anyone wants to dispute that any religion has poor practitioners. You surely understand that a story broaching a potentially difficult moral topic must be treated very carefully primarily by the one who writes it in order to ensure that ideas are passed with utmost clarity. Since stories are meant to induce reactions in readers, being upset when they do is a paradox. Especially when said reactions are induced by the characters. Regardless, I apologize that my comments came across as disdainful. They are not -- and especially not to you personally. I understand why you take comments on the story personally, we all know what it's like having our brainchild criticized. However, mine are beta reader's comments with a good dose of understanding of how storytelling conventions work and seeing them misinterpreted when they were given in good faith is a great disappointment. I am sorry I invested time in this only to be told off for honest commentary when my positive commentaries previously were well received. Lesson learned, I will not repeat my imprudence. That being said, I will repeat, at the risk of being banned if this is indeed what passes as an uprising against forum rules, that the problems with the story are the following: - it's not set up that the witch is dangerous and she is not shown to be dangerous during the fight; - it's not set up and shown that the characters have certain personality traits, we are told; what we are shown is quite the opposite of what we're told. - in the absence of the above, a moral system in which it's okay for two men, one of them armed, to attack a weaker opponent is also not convincingly set up. Because of this, we get the following problem. Readers are left to rely on preexisting conventions. One such convention is that, in our world, there was such a thing as the Inquisition. While historically the Inquisition did not do most of the things attributed to it in movies and books, the trope of the inquisition has been used so far and wide as to become ingrained in the reader's consciousness, e.g. Jordan's Children of the Light. Another is that if it looks and feels like a Christian prayer, then it is a Christian prayer, which is why Sanderson himself constructs religions from the ground up, with their own traditions, prayers, and beliefs in order to avoid confusion by literalist readers like me. Another trope is that of the enlightened medical professional of the Middle Ages, risking life and limb to steal bodies despite ignorant oppression in order to advance medicine or alternatively pursue own goals, one embodiment of the trope being Frankenstein. A writer must be aware of tropes and how they will be read, especially when they are played together and also happen to be in theme. The trope of the dissection rhymes too well with the trope of the inquisitor, especially when the inquisitor tells a prayer before killing the witch. I was shown a morally ambiguous deed done by a Christian and then judged for calling it. Without the proper setup, the story pushes readers to assign these tropes on the characters, situations etc. I say 'pushes' because human beings like patterns and we will apply known patterns on new situations any time we can. That is how foreshadowing works in the first place. If I am ever to be banned from anywhere for expressing eloquent criticism with arguments, I will not have lost anything.
  21. Overall comments: - I wish this story were a postmodern deconstruction of why it's bad to think like an inquisitor and why it's a fallacy to take for granted that the viewpoint character is good. - Do you edit or are these first drafts? - there are many confusing things in the story overall; for instance I didn't get in the previous parts that the brightwolf spoke to P and how P is now using S's moral compass as an argument that the witch must be doing something bad if it scared even him; it's another motivation reveal that's not been foreshadowed. I can read through and don't care much but it's jarring, it's like having missed the episode in the series. - the witch's personality isn't working; there's a part in the beginning where she is one person and then she switches for no reason, actually harming her own position - fight completely unrealistic - the story is suffering of the villain problem; because the MC has no clear personality and goals, I find myself sympathizing with the villain at the end because at least she clearly wants something with a passion - I hate P. - sorry, this part works least of all 3 - anti-foreshadowing - suspension of disbelief suffers a lot due to lack of tension and showing actual danger - T is the only good thing - totally with @Mandamon ethics-wise (note I've only read his/her post after reading the story and writing my comments) Comments while reading: Pg.1 - good opening, I liked seeing the witch's instruments in the room Pg. 2 - "That one’s appearance and weapons match one P. from the Guild." I would've liked her to pick on something that would feel very personal like a specific weapon or a mannerism or even his looks, like when Z made that first deduction on the brightwolf. This would make the story feel immediate and give character development to P. Pg. 2 - "There’s no rule against tunneling out a lab" - I don't know how to read this tunneling bit, is it like quantum tunneling? Pg. 3 - conscious is an adjective, conscience is the word you need; you've had this one once more in part 2 end of pg. 3 - I like the witch; she has a personality pg. 4 - "who seeks to place herself as the supreme arbiter of morality" - she comes across as amoral and Z comes across as self-righteous, conceited, and naive when he states she's doing something she's obviously not trying to do; so far I haven't seen the witch doing anything especially vile so it's hard to take his word. He's naive at best and at worst he's trying to build himself a nice straw man that he can attack later on to support his own moral views. Is he an inquisitor? They think like that. pg. 5 - so the witch is a medical practitioner; so far I believe her and am on her side (pending other revelations) Z.'s little speech end of pg. 5 to beginning of pg. 6 is why the dark ages were called the dark ages; he's falling straight into villain camp for me now, typical inquisitor; supporting his narrow mindedness with the idea that a life is a life when those people wanted their remains to be put to good use in medical experimentation is just yuck pg. 8 - "lies" - Oh! it says something that T's the only character i'm taking seriously between him, P, and Z pg. 8 - "even your twisted mind had to acknowledge that you were harming them" - this comes across as contrived when it was already established she was using bodies already dead and that those people agreed to offer their bodies for experiments. Not both can be true. pg. 8 - what she says about T comes across as contrived following P's statement of arrest; it's mustache-twirling "let me convince you I'm a villain". If she's so sure of herself that she isn't worrying about arrest, she wouldn't feel the need to talk so much with the people who came for her. pg. 8 - she keeps piling on the 'let me tell you how villainous i am' after having tried hard to convince them she's ethical. It's not working. I thought she's an interesting character but 4 pages later I'm proved wrong; it's falling into cliche pg. 8 - "your corpse will do nicely" had me rolling my eyes; does she have anything to back that mouth up with now that the centipede is dead? pg. 9 - "the witch launched herself at P." is not threatening, she's a woman and he has a shield and is armed; she should be dead in .5 seconds. She has nothing to back that mouth up with, which means she isn't thinking clearly, which means she's got a mental health problem. pg. 9 - the talons are still not scary and P is a wimp; 2 inches of talons vs 36 inches of blade isn't a fight, is a slaughter. He's got a shield too so him fearing her is disgusting. pg. 10 - "pattern of blocks and stabs" - fight is completely unrealistic. If he 'blocked' her 'talons' once, she'd have no fingers left. There is no such thing as fighting an armed opponent, as any good self defense video on YouTube will show. I recommend Ramsey Dewey's channel. It might work if the witch was established as an astounding fighter previously, but she wasn't. It's just some coward shithead trying to slaughter a woman in a basement without evidence because he's afraid of her big mouth and offended by corpses pg. 11- quipping after harming an unarmed and weaker opponent is disgusting pg. 11 - the claim she killed people is unsubstantiated. She said they were already dead and T didn't disagree, as I pointed out before. She didn't kill them, they were already dead, that's already established as true by T. pg. 11 - "if you kill someone in cold blood, out of rage and hatred, that will destroy a part of you" - how about if you just attack them and cut their arm without evidence? I guess that's totally cool. pg. 12 - "Cut off her arm if you must, to protect yourself" - hanging a lantern on the vileness of P attacking an unarmed woman with Z's ascent won't solve your moral problem as P isn't protecting himself. He's just a peasant with a pitchfork - worse, sword - attacking an unarmed woman without evidence. That's the whole shtick behind the inquisition and it's hard to trick readers into believing otherwise. Moreover, if I'm not invested in your protag, his words won't make me think better of that other jerk. They just make me think Z's self deluded. pg. 13 - "Did… did she get me" - No dude, you're just a stupid coward pg. 13 - no idea why T went on the witch's chest and why she isn't bleeding to death from her severed arm. Or maybe she is and these two dudes don't care. They clearly came here to kill her and that's it. pg. 13 - 14 - if T is projecting the witch's emotions on them, he's clearly not eating but moving them; also I don't understand why that doesn't happen every time he's sampling feelings pg. 14 "N. scored a series of slashes across left arm as she calmly walked past him" - last time I saw her she was on the floor, badly wounded. This isn't making any sense past 'she's the villain and the plot asked for it' pg. 15 - Z's expositional dialog infodump on witch powers comes too late and still doesn't establish her as a threat to an armed fighter. Much like Z's poor excuse of P's armed attack on an unarmed opponent, it's too little, too late pg. 15 - why is the witch still villain-monologuing to explain peristaltic arteries? it's a cliche. "No Mr Bond, I expect you to dine!" Also peristaltic arteries still don't explain the lack of pain. Does she also have the adaptive nociceptors of changelings in Culture novels? Why didn't these men notice she isn't bleeding, was it because they never tried to give their their victim first aid because they were too busy philosophising on the meaning of morality and their own motivations? Was it because they were too busy to frame her as super dangerous without any evidence? pg. 15 reveal "we created them" was not only not foreshadowed but anti-foreshadowed earlier when the witch asked Z where he got T from pg. 16 - the witch got T, injured P and got him out of the fight, and is now leisurely talking to Z instead of fleeing with T or killing them both quickly and throwing the bodies in the furnace or maybe using them in experiments. This shows me clearly she doesn't want to kill them because she's not used to killing people, or she simply can't kill them. In my mind, she's sitting a yard away from Z with T on her shoulder and talking without doing anything. pg. 16 - "A wall made of will, and determination" doesn't stop poisoned talons. Also makes me want to punch this guy because using telling as character development does the opposite thing. So far I haven't seen this guy willful and determined and his actions haven't showed him so. At this point, he's coming across as a Mary Sue because I have to be told he's these things without any merit on his side. He's just a self-righteous twit who lucked into a cool pet. His belief is also not established so using it now is Deus ex machina. pg. 16 - "Z believed [...] greater purpose to all that happens, and there were greater designs in place" - this is called apophenia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apophenia; I thought this is a secondary world where magic might enact a greater purpose. But since you're introducing Christianity right away, it tells me the world is a lot more like ours than I thought. I kind of like that reveal, I don't have a problem with it and it ties in nicely with how Z was foreshadowed as an inquisitor. However, the great problem is that in the great real life, there's no such thing as a greater pattern and purpose, which means Z is self deluded. pg. 17 - "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" Now I know I was right that Z is an inquisitor. Since the witch didn't display any extraordinary power to harm them, I guess I was right in my first evaluation of them all. Two men, one armed, came to look for a woman who was probably schizophrenic, and finally killed her, justifying their deeds with a flimsy self-righteous ethical code. pg. 17 - that T kills the witch feels like on-the-nose moral fable ending. Neither P nor Z had to do it (not for lack of wanting), but the villain was killed by her own villainy. It doesn't work. It feels hypocritical. pg. 19 - Z is waxing philosophical some more and it's falling equally short "That’s why she had no remorse for killing either one of us." - more trying to justify 'oh the witch was evil' without substantial showing of evidence prior "And how it will happen, if they’re left unchecked" - by brave people like Z and P who got the thick side of the moral stick. I haven't seen any evidence they're good in this story and I can't assume they are just because we follow their viewpoint. There are stories with villain protags out there. I'm writing an antihero at the moment. pg. 21 - "Nagischt brought this on herself with her own choices" It wasn't her choice that they invaded her lab. Z is so preachy. end - T can't be blamed for his own nature. Z instead can be blamed for being a hypocrite who routinely uses T to kill while pretending to try to talk the witch out of it first. He's an inquisitor, and a symbol of what's wrong with how many religions are practiced. In fact, he embodies many things that are vile about Christianity, like othering, blaming mental illness on the sufferer, self-righteousness, judging others and so on. The 'lack of hatred' thing seems a poor excuse and he's probably having some sociopathic traits if he can distance himself so well from what he's doing. There's also tons of self-deception in him. I wish this story were a postmodern deconstruction trying to show why it's bad to think that way and why it's bad to take for granted that the viewpoint character is good. It's not that Z comes across as particularly vile, but if you look at what he does, and not at what he thinks about himself, things change. There's a jarring contrast between how he sees himself and what he does and that's called self-deception.
  22. Yep. @aeromancer if you're editing the manuscript as we go, I'd be happy to read it again at the end (wouldn't mind one big submission).
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