• Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

21 Awakened Object

About Lightbearer

Recent Profile Visitors

82 profile views
  1. I'm glad we're good.
  2. Now this I wasn't aware of, I thought they're both gender neutral. I looked it up while reading and found this resource where zie/hir is gender neutral and this other resource where xyr is again gender neutral, hence my original take. That's very cool! ... I don't think it's too long, you need reaction scenes and the characters need to talk these things at some point. I didn't see any information that can be removed without loss of meaning either. Since it's a short chapter, you could maybe simply follow the characters into their next action scene.
  3. Cool, what's it called?
  4. to clarify, for me as a someone who's always been somewhere between demi and grey, ranging up to a-, it's jarring to get to be introduced to someone's gender characteristics first. It feels like a violation to not know their taste in music, or their humor, or their favorite color, their favorite author, taste in clothing, or if they have siblings, but to know about their gender identity. And then at the end to be accused of disrespect when my own position with respect to gender dynamics is negated simply because I'm being pegged down as someone I'm not. I've come out and said it. Stereotyping is also disrespectful, especially when I'm not arguing against gender neutral pronouns (I am using gender neutral pronouns in my novel too) but against too many different words that mean the same thing.
  5. I was not suggesting you are and am not asking to know about your medical history. Mine's a sensitive subject for me as well. I did in fact hear people without anything as much as a broken nail claiming they wouldn't give away their condition and found it unbelievable from my perspective. You can imagine it was jarring to hear it - I guess I was complaining. i am happy to edit my original post if you could indicate how to edit the sentences such that it's still clear which sections I'm referring to. I have temporarily removed the quotes' middle sections until you reply.
  6. I was not arguing for a gender binary. I was arguing for a single set of gender neutral pronouns regardless of the homeworld new characters come from. He, she, and xyr or they or zie but not all 3 of them.
  7. i am not arguing against diversity but I am saying that using two sets of pronouns with identical usage is unnecessary. There was a set of gender neutral pronouns introduced for W Wob and now there is a second set, which as far as I can tell does exactly the same thing, for P, whom I lost track of. I don't know their species or how they dress or their role in the plot or in the council but I know a new set of pronouns just for P.
  8. “They shared secrets, yet..." to "disturb the air around them.” -- Every time the horse is mentioned, she is suggested to be unable to speak. The “needed no voice” seems to say that it’s no problem for communication that the horse can’t speak, which is like saying she strictly can’t speak. “The girl-who-had-been-a-horse the nine" to "gathered would have noticed?” -- Because of omniscient, this para doesn’t indicate that it’s the POV of the 9 advisors that the horse can’t speak. Then this seems to be confirmed by “her dark eyes spoke volumes”, which suggests she doesn’t have the ability to produce sound. This wouldn't be unique as the Little Mermaid remained mute after she transformed in the original Andersen fairytale. Then later on there’s another departure from omniscient and a cross into the POV of the 9 “The horse-who-" to "scholasticism alike”. Readers who see omniscient would assume the narrator is giving them the real story, unfiltered through POV. Then “It was a shame that the girl [...] and her sister could no longer speak” added confusion. This reads like they literally can’t speak and furthermore, adds on top of every other suggestion that the horse can’t speak. I don’t know how the horse can tell who wouldn’t listen to her anyway without giving them a chance first. Moreover, she doesn’t seem to speak to anyone and the breaks in omniscient suggest she doesn’t have a full level of human cognition. As a pet owner and a parent, I will say preemptively that not having full human cognition is not a reason for discrimination when it comes to loving that being – just in case my words might be misconstrued. I hope it’s clear what causes confusion re the horse’s ability to speak. Now about the ableism point. Much like horse and mare get conflated in normal language to generalize and streamline, the human species is the only one we know of to be endowed with high abstract cognition. The hallmarks of this ability are behavioral and a major behavioral clue is the ability to speak given all the necessary equipment. On the other hand, the word ableism refers to disability discrimination, i.e considering people with disabilities inferior. It’s rather harsh to make an ableism claim based on a comment about a horse in a fairytale and as a disabled person I’m surprised to be confronted to it. Sadly I see the word “ableism” flung around lately by people who aren’t disabled themselves and don’t know what it means to have your life made harder by some deficiency. Some of these people even claim they would keep their disability if they had one – if you hear of any willing, I can give them mine.
  9. This was a shorter chapter that seems more like a reaction scene with elements of planning to the end. Pg. 1 – Hand D is such a cool name I wish their species was called that – much like the face dancers in Dune – instead of L Shades of black are a thing, there’s no less than 24 of them. Instead maybe you could say she saw colors she didn’t have a name for and was pretty sure didn’t exist. Having 10 species with as many genders and dozens of named characters and political factions is confusing enough, especially without clear ways to separate each visually, so having separate pronouns for each species (now hir and zie) is too much worldbuilding for me. I want to just follow the plot instead of being swamped in so many cultural differences. Surely if the Net can pass something as complex as emotions, it can also simply specify the gender by which each character likes to be addressed and then unify them all in English to streamline the show. I understand the problems of political correctness and representation nowadays but this is, after all, primarily a novel and the secondary aspects should not be given more attention to than or hijack the action. Otherwise it risks becoming Anvilicious. In short, I personally don’t need to know about these people’s genitals as I’m never going to ask W Wobn on a date – I’m sure W’s an upstanding Prophet but our senses of humor differ too much. Also I don’t even know what P is or what he looks like so knowing his preferred pronoun is superfluous. Pg. 4 – In O’s speech paragraph “If he wasn’t careful, he was going to show some ankle doing that.” This seems like O’s thought, not R’s? Pg. 5 – “Why did two more appear” – from M’s battle with a creature I knew they must be like the Arid… but now I’m convinced they travel in pairs because of the thing with the 2 instances, however that works (I didn’t read book 2). So I’m guessing S, E, and I already have the answer to this and now we’re seeing 2 more groups arriving to those questions. Is that correct? Pg. 6 – “As long as both twins are with him, the three form an imposing trio” – Repetition, I suggest changing to ‘together they’re an imposing trio. Pg. 7 – “as only one with his inflated sense of self could” – R’s comments make her seem annoyed at everyone all the time or at least she seems to dislike them all. That entire para is a mix between O and R and their respective streams of actions and dialog need to be separated in different paras. “were you just planning on spilling the twins secrets without their permission” – what O was saying about the LC smuggling a Dra seed on his ship seems like a major plot point that needs to be shared with allies as soon as possible. Keeping it a secret makes no sense even if it’s sensitive to someone, and anyone should be sensible enough to see that. It doesn’t make R’s seem more trustworthy but less mature. Pg. 9 – the last sentence looks extraneous to me. Ending with R’s statement is punchier in my opinion.
  10. Pg.1 – chapter opens very cool with the sentient S Beast doing coordinate calculations. I really would like to get more visual info on how this scene looks like. Does everyone speak the hand sign language used by TD? Pg.2 – “To me!” M called, bringing the others back to him.” – I’d rather have him call them and a reaction line showing them hurrying to assemble around him to show action in the scene. The orange grubs don’t seem threatening – perhaps the description should capture the shell articulations of their plated armored backs, menacing glitters hidden deep in sockets of their armor, and sharp teeth and claws or something. Pg.3 – the grubs escaped the building but no one is pursuing them to kill them? Pg. 4 – so they go out, see a moving shape, G yells ‘there’ and it’s another person. This confused me a lot, I was still expecting them to try and pursue the creatures that escaped and can wreak havoc through the city. Instead of trying to solve the more urgent issue of the creatures, M wants information from this person, which is strange in the circumstances. Pg. 5 – the talk of whose fault it is seems superfluous as it seems to condition the maji’s action on whether it’s their fault; in an emergency they are oddly focused on where the blame goes Pg. 6 – I like M more than S; he’s got more personality and internal dialog, which S is missing. However, the political side isn’t very interesting, because it’s mainly evoked through a deluge of names. It could become interested if M had personal interests there. “M watched K and how easily she supported G. He really should design a S Beast conveyance of his own, though maybe with less personality. K was an amazing person, but he wasn’t looking to revive any more dead friends or relatives. He’d left enough of those behind him.” – Gorilla in the phone booth. Big one, batting his hairy chest saying ‘look at me’. All I want to know now is M and K’s backstory and how this resurrection business works. Pg. 7 – “A group of seventeen maji was an intimidating force” and “There were hints of the creatures […] and M was certain there were more than just the two” – and yet the group wasn’t doing anything about the creatures. It’s counterintuitive. Even if the maji had their own interests to take care of and were so self-interested that they didn’t care what happened to the people in the street, they could’ve been attacked by a gaggle of these creatures so they should’ve acted. Pg. 8 – the majus stopping to talk to them quite at length downplays the importance and rush of the evacuation. There seems to be little urgency on all sides in response to the creatures killing people in the street. The characterizations and descriptions placed here also slow the pace of the emergency scene. Ideally they should come as the group heads to the Spire and end before they start talking to the majus. Pg. 9 – “So far the invaders seemed to be avoiding the Spire.” – Having just arrived at the scene, M is there for too little time to be able to judge this, since he has no information about the creatures’ numbers Is K’s armrest described anywhere else before this? I don’t know what it is and how it looks like so having it mentioned here is another gorilla in the phone booth, competing with the first. Now they can beat each other’s chests. Pg. 10 – it’s confusing how TD can stammer if he’s using hand sign language Pg. 11 – “large predatory fish” – it’s the second time the orange creatures are compared to sharks in this chapter. It’s clearly sharks so it’s time to call them sharks or find other similes if mentioning sharks would ruin the worldbuilding too much. To me it looks like these characters might’ve well heard of sharks since they have so many world to draw reference upon. “Mandamon had no idea if one of them had made a sound” – they were all talking “fin straightened to a blade” – if the fin is on its back like a shark’s, what does it mean that it straightened? It can’t impale them with a fin that’s on its back. Pg. 12 – characterizing Gre and having TD speak in the middle of the charge is breaking the action. Better show the charge instead of TD’s sentence, which is on the long side for a tense moment M’s internal dialog is too long and unconcerned for a tense moment I’m only inferring that the creature is charging straight at M from the reactions of those around him but it’s never shown it’s charging and where it’s heading. Showing the charge would contribute to tension. “He positioned the portal sideway, edge-on in the air, something he had never purposefully done before.” – good one! I definitely like M Pg. 13 – “There were holes in his coat and in his shoes. He liked those shoes.” – this is the type of writing emotion I like most. It’s not overly expressed, or told straight, it’s implied by what the character is thinking, and I fully feel the disappointment of losing a great pair of shoes. damnation it! Pg. 15 – “like a treesloth in his knothole” – I like these comparisons. I can tell what they mean and they do an excellent job evoking the world. Pg. 15 – “No. No more hiding.” – I like M more than S. M is more of a developed hero whereas S is a kid who lives a lot internally and a little externally, and has little to make him interesting.
  11. Sorry for the delay, just recouping now the unexpected break I had to take over the holidays. Here are my comments on chapter 2 - will upload chapter 3 and 4 soon. I’m not completely lost but there are clearly things I don’t know, the most interesting being the other minds in E’s head. I can kind of guess how Time and the facets work though, and I have a feeling E might have absorbed other Es from different facets but am unsure if this is indeed the process. It’s still hard to picture what’s going on. Probably due to skipping the second book, I find it hard to get into the romance, so my take on it is likely not representative. However, when things get emotional in pages 3-5, the emotional part is more telling than showing. I generally find that with emotion a mix of showing and telling is ideal. This isn’t to do with my investment in the romance but to the way emotion reads to me on page in general. I don’t mind it but should still make the point about the super-alien looking aliens. If all the different species can co-inhabit the Net, which offers one set of living conditions to all, then it’s strange they evolved to be so different in morphology – up to breaking suspension of disbelief. I am personally happy to play along and ignore the problem but not all readers might agree. End of pg. 15, from ““Will you be all right…” to “He had grown in the last few days.” – this reads like a reaction scene dropped in the middle of the plot. It’s pulling the handbrake so ideally reaction scenes should be kept separate. Also telling he had grown may come across as jarring to some readers, ideally growth should be convincingly demonstrated. Moreover, to me personally it reads very meta, i.e. character development, so it pulled me out of the story. On a different note, I recently had a Fridge Horror moment, albeit not at the fridge. So, is the Net… taking the emotional information it’s passing around from the body language of characters or lifts it straight from their minds?
  12. Stating the obvious – this is storytelling in omniscient. Pg. 5 – It’s unclear how the prince is in love with the horse since the horse can’t speak. And is it a horse or a mare? Pg. 6 – only paraphrasing here: ‘the sacrifice was great but mere friendship could not compare to love’ – but it was just said the prince loved the horse equally so this part is confusing. Pg. 6 – The girl&horse's acceptance of everything is breaking suspension of disbelief. It’s still not clear if the horse gained human-like behavior or not. I assume it did but am unsure since the prince's love isn't a reliable confirmation. Fun ending. I’d expect the 9 new horses to be less well-behaved and a lot angrier with their condition, but this reads like a children’s story or an Aesop so within this framework it makes sense to simplify character emotion/reactions. -- Anything that you didn't understand or that I wasn't clear about. The magic system, but it’s clear it’s not within scope of the story to explain it. -- Anything I might have hinted that would happen but didn't (promises I made but didn't keep) No. -- Is the queen okay? She’s fun but the first time she’s mentioned it’s out of the blue; by that point I had no idea there was a queen. Then I couldn’t tell right away if evil queen or simply the prince’s mother. The first instinct was to think she’s evil queen because of tropes. It's unclear how she's so accepting of her son marrying the stable girl and the horse instead of brining a sturdy political alliance but I can ignore that in the context. -- How much do you hate those guys? They seem to be vilified by simplifying them – but then all the characters are simplified. The 9 don’t seem to have a strong motivation to recommend the horse to be killed and so they’re reduced to single-trait villainy. But this stopped mattering to me because I liked the ending and simply accepted them as the bad guys. -- Am I bashing around too much with the clue hammer at that one point? What point is that?
  13. Late due to the holidays but here are my comments. The story seems a memoir in that it’s telling rather than showing. In this case, the telling is atmospheric but with the trade-off that it feels like one emotional note, nostalgia. To this feeling contributes the relatively unvarying sentence length around 30+ words. This structural invariance makes sentences hard to follow and focus hard to keep. There’s a lot of foreshadowing of something ominous, the fog, the eyes, the vanishing ginger cake, but some of the other background detail could be removed, e.g. parts of the cooking, preparing, moving things etc. They make the story feel long although not much is happening. On the other hand, there seem to be things happening in the present, like decorating the tree, but they aren’t dramatized – again memoir-like. The sugar and bird ornament remarks telegraph the girl will die. In page 7 more atmospheric description which could be shortened. The atmosphere is already set and we’re curious to see where it’s all going and see the payoff. I didn’t understand the ending, why would the grandmother come and take the girl, where would they go, why no one remembers her, why there’s a frost ring in the bed. I don’t understand if this is magic realism or some magic system. There’s also a great amount of foreshadowing that seems to supply the mechanism of the magic system, like the light, but I didn’t understand how it all comes together. The story read like a dream.
  14. I've read the comments only after reading the piece so I'm opening with my notes. I loved the worldbuilding: the plague and war, the specialties of various musicians, the visual glimpses into the world (there are no rich visual descriptions but to me everything looked Wagnerian, and Astrid’s statue wears a Valkyrie’s winged helmet). It’s impressive how much WB you managed to stuff into that first page and how evocative it’s of the feeling of the world. Did you use a certain technique to do it or does it come naturally to you? (I’m currently working on creating the world feeling in my novel). The rate at which the information came was perfect. But do note that I enjoy learning (provided that it’s interesting) so my opinion may not be representative. There’s some great humor, both in-story and meta. Opening with the MC walking (performing an action) and witnessing yet another disaster was a good way to establish stakes and instill dynamism without the MC protagging as such. It’s Brandon’s advice so he’d approve. He did say he always opens with his protag doing something even if it’s just walking. It's also good you open with a remote disaster, which foreshadows the inciting incident of B's death in the sinkhole collapse. I enjoyed the first 10 pages and oppose cutting them. While my suspension of disbelief was not challenged, it did feel like skirting the edge of the absurd. This is probably due to music as a magic system, even though I enjoyed the implementation very much. The good part is that an orchestra summons, in my mind, great knowledge and technical acumen displayed by imposing virtuosos high up on a stage. The bad part is that music (in general) feels abstract and – dare I say – artsy, which suggests some unreliability to it, or maybe simply the (false) dichotomy between art and scientific exactness. So I suggest that the magic system would benefit from anchoring with technical detail regarding procedures, limitations, and costs. Having technical detail is like saying ‘we’re pros here, we got this’. It doesn’t have to be much or very technical – let me give an example. Terry Pratchett’s Discworld wizards at the Unseen Academy were prepping to summon Death to ask him some thing or another; he hated being summoned so the Rite of AshkEnte was highly dangerous. The commentary was that normally the rite involved a week of fasting, thick candles, abstruse paraphernalia, and thaumaturgical circles with drawings in 8 colors, the number 8 being highly symbolic. However, it had been discovered that, in a pinch, the rite could be performed with a simple incantation, 3 small sticks, and 4 cc of mouse blood. Despite the (intentionally) comic ludicrousness of this tiny detail, its precision suggests that wizards must know what they’re doing. Much research (and likely numerous deaths) must’ve gone into establishing the minimal working quantities – and who’d think of mouse blood without already being desperate? To anchor orchestral music as a magic system to be reckoned with and dispel potential feelings of unreality, I’d like to see some such (minor) detail established early on. Terramancy takes 12 years of study and perfect pitch, sure, but will the musician’s leg fall off if they sing the wrong note? What are the limitations and consequences of the magic system? The system seems very powerful and, at times, hard to practice – but is it dangerous to the practitioner? Some skin in the game wouldn’t hurt. What are the costs of this magic? The bit where we see E repairing H’s floor is excellent – we see the tools of the trade, feel the felt on the mallet, hear the chimes etc. This isn’t the sort of technical detail that helps understand how and why music functions as magic, but it’s letting the reader experience using the magic so it’s great in that way. Loved the irony with H’s daughter – preparing cake to celebrate her restored health and then she dies while bringing ingredients from the cellar. But then I’m known to occasionally appreciate dark humor so don’t take my reaction as representative. I realized immediately that it was his daughter in the basement upon reading her name, it was to be expected after the buildup with the cake. But do note that the name is not readily readable as a woman's name to English speakers, who aren't familiar with -it and -ir terminations for women's names. B's death is the inciting incident but it's not set up clearly enough. Why is this the last straw that determines E to say 'that's it, I'm doing it'? Maybe we should see B in the store, greeting E, maybe they're friends and E is personally distraught instead of experiencing the loss vicariously through H's eyes? As it is, for some it was too small to register as the inciting incident. Strengthening this bit will make E stand out more as the protag instead of being swept out in A's charisma. I don’t understand why musicians have jobs and also must perform as rescue workers, doctors etc? I.e. E working as a visa reviewer. Shouldn’t they have just their job as musicians as it’s important enough? I wouldn’t like to think it’s a bunch of hobbyists that are performing the magic in this world. I liked how E and C had a moral argument where one couldn’t be said to be right over the other. “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald Astrid is great. Her people clearly need some of her no-nonsense attitude. Speaking of limitations, can be soul of the deceased travel infinitely far away from their body? If so, they could be summoned anywhere so that can’t be true or they wouldn't need to go to the grave. If it’s not true, there’s a summoning radius and some sort of trade-off must be done to expand that radius when you walk away. Since the power comes from pitch, which needs to be perfect at all times, what else do they need to add in order to expand the radius? Volume? more musicians? Would big miracles take the full orchestra? How far away from the body could a full Vocs choir be at the most? Do you need to add musicians with the square of the distance? I liked the play on contrasts – but then I like contrasts in general so don’t take my taste as representative. First it was toasting for H’s daughter health only to find her dead. Then it was trampling all across the taboos of Vocs by the only person they couldn’t contradict – the deceased who moreover doubled as their founder. These are great in terms of expectation/reality for those who enjoy irony and thematic playfulness. Possibly going even into ludonarrative dissonance. Vocs having to repair C’s throat – it needs to be stated clearly how this works. I understand it’s supposed to work like that and this is a limitation but I’d like to feel certainty, and ideally know why. If C summoned A is he now the only one who can? If others can summon A too, how much time needs to pass between C’s summoning and theirs? And why can’t someone else do it instead? If only he can summon her for a while, then it means it can’t be only pitch that gives power, there must be the Voc’s personal something, e.g. fundamental frequency. Right now it feels more like the technical aspects aren’t worked out but rather C is the deuteragonist and therefore he’s got the action for plot reasons. Pg. 21 – I liked that they were doing research on A’s song but I don’t understand why was this information lost in the first place. If it was the war and the plague, make it a point there to close the foreshadowing loop. Always try to close the foreshadowing loop in half a sentence because the reader will have forgotten by the time the info is needed. This is possibly the biggest weakness of the story. You've set up everything but then didn't make it come full circle, which is why it feels like it wasn't set up. I liked the ending. This looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Taboos could die starting here in favor of a no-nonsense approach. Well said. It needs to more clear it's about (1) being on pitch and (2) the musician's connectedness to the source of Music (whatever that source is, would be nice to know). Right now these two bits of info are scattered and lost somewhere in pages 15 and 19. It needs to be at least foreshadowed so that it clicks into place when we see it outright stated. @Silk and @Mandamon are right on these points although I personally don't need more backstory. These elements could be mentioned in passing but that should suffice, i.e. establish it's a peaceful, traditionalist location with low crime/conflict and limited resources. As to the answers, I can well assume some people left while others chose to stay behind because it's hard to be a homeless refugee in a foreign country; some will even be old and stubborn and unable to walk well. I can also assume the sinking phenomenon started at most a few years prior (or it would've all collapsed already) and the bureaucracy, belief systems, and taboos of Ag... delayed things – just like in the real world where we know about climate change for 70 years and still do nothing to address it other than denying it or pretending to act (e.g. diesel emissions scandal). In fact the premise sounds like climate change with coastal erosion and land sinking in places like Stockholm and Netherland. About the full orchestra being present – we expect catastrophes everywhere daily but we only call rescuers when necessary since we can't predict where disaster will next hit. Besides, the musicians seem to have jobs on top of their magic attributions, so it's an imperfect world with poor planning and limited resources. About failsafes, the music magic doesn't seem suited for creating them – though we don't really understand how it works, it's unlikely they would be able to make a song that would keep a house suspended in the air or prevent an earthquake that hasn't happened yet. It's also foreshadowed at the beginning of the story that they need to wake A because they can't use the music to its full potential because they don't know how/what to sing. However, since it's a big plot point, it should be insisted upon, maybe mentioned again in E's inner dialog 'we forgot so much in these 500 years' or something. About getting to the grave easily – it could be a cultural aspect. In Sweden, where this piece seems based, you sleep with the garage door open and still find your tools in the morning. If resources are limited, no one would guard a tomb when the only threat is a Voc... and it's established local Vocs won't wake A. Assuming ease, E and C don't need to plan much to get into what's basically a museum, especially if E spent her whole life in the location. And they did get caught. Again, all these aspects can be quickly referenced in E's thoughts to get them out of the way. She can express in 1 sentence frustration with the slowness of decision making and the blindness of the government etc. One last but essential point. it's possible your protag isn't showing enough personality, which makes A seem like the cherry on the cake, which makes the entire opening seem like an intro to her entrance. Sure, E is protagging, taking decisions etc but we don't witness her personality. Given the ending, I don't think you designed her as a blank/featureless protag, in which case she needs to get more unpleasant spinach in the beginning so we can appreciate the cake she gets when she plays alongside A. There's no real triumph without a challenge and B's death isn't sufficient for the reasons I outlined. BIg end-of-the-world stakes are important for the epic feeling but the protag needs to go into the climax with strong personal stakes, otherwise it all feels remote and principial.