ginger_reckoning

I don't have a lot of general notes on this one. I don't think the pacing is too slow here. If anything, I actually think some aspects of it might be too fast. I agree with Silk on this: And I also agree that the romance is well-paced so far. More notes below. Thanks for the submission! p1 I’m a little skeptical about the emotional bond thing that archer is talking about, because it corresponds with the other ritual. Is it just a coincidence, or does he know? “Better not be interested in me…” lol I do think it’s interesting that they are both aroace. I don’t know a ton about ace people, but they don’t get a ton of representation, and definitely not in a married relationship. Though I am curious how that came to be, considering I don’t think it’s the normal kind of drama that would be stupid, lol P4 Oh, so she already knew about n? Also, this makes me think she might be part fey because she is finding da loopholes haha Eesh, I get that n is trying to be open and emotionally available here, but just walking up and saying “we need to talk” would honestly cause me to panic. I totally get w here “Still a ray of sunshine” nice I do also appreciate that he is self aware after the conversation from last time, but something to be aware of is that this feels like a very quick turnaround for him to come to this conclusion since they just had that conversation in the last chapter. It doesn't really feel like he had time to consider it, imo P7 Yikes, I feel so bad for n right here. This is delightfully complicated, but w does feel a little manipulative at this point. Not sure if that’s your intent or not Also, personally, I wouldn’t date someone if they framed it this way, as a favor to me or something They are just little beanie babies, huh? So vulnerable P9”we’re not supposed to show ourselves…” but she isn’t actually afflicted with ae, so this seems like a bit of a leap Is her mother at home now, or still at the hospital? “Getting to share the experience with you” this is a little on the nose again P13 “I don’t think your aunt was killed” ah, this is interesting Ah, nice, I love me some conspiracy theories. This is totally something the fbi would do imo “That’s what happens” I know I complained about the repetition of the blood and petals but, but I do think it’s effective here “I can’t let myself fall in love” oh, I thought she was making the opposite conclusion. This is a little disappointing because I feel like she’s already said/come to this conclusion in previous chapters, so this feels like she’s reneged on her arc a little I do like the end, though

Thanks, and yes, I agree, I just still need to figure out what that would be :/ Thanks! These are some good ideas! The rationale here was that telling her the information would make the impersonation more believable, especially if she ended up talking to C. But now I think about it, A would probably also tell her to just avoid C at all costs. I started giving them titles a few chapters ago, mostly for my own benefit because while I've been editing past chapters I've been changing the order around, so the titles help me remember which one is which lol That's fair I think I will call this out more in the next draft, and especially how more people do it than A thought I think that based off this and last week's notes from everyone I will probably cut C's viewpoint from the last chapter. I think it might be better to have that be a reveal later on (ie, C tells A that they've been worried about him and doing some research in the background) Thanks, I will need to think more about this Thanks everyone for the notes! Also, I know I requested to submit today, and thank you @Silkfor allowing me to do that, but the chapter I wanted to submit is still not ready, so I will hold off for this week.

Sorry, normally I would be all over this, but its a busy week for me this week. If you send me a copy I could give it a look tomorrow but i understand that that is extremely close to the deadline

Would it be possible to submit something on Wednesday?

That is a good point, thanks. I guess I should mention that not everyone is as good at shapeshifting as some of the main characters, so they try not to look human when they don't have to. Thanks for pointing that out! Haha it's a fantasy novel so it's definitely at least partially true Thanks for catching all these typos! I was thinking that it would be hard to harvest the ink when they are alive since you would have to drain it from seawater so it might be easier to just cut the ink sac from the corpse, but that does bring up the old issue of "why kill the goose that lays the golden eggs?" I think I'll probably rewrite this so they have some sort of process that helps them collect the ink while the ocotpus is still alive Yeah, that seems to be one of the main problems with this draft so far, that its missing a larger goal/bigger picture. As with below: Thanks, thats really helpful! I do plan on having A take a look at the bigger picture as the story progresses, but yeah, it could probably come much much earlier. The problem I face right now is that I want there to be this theme of him ramping up, as well as seeing him change from someone with small concerns to someone with much larger concerns (kind of like Dune, one of my favorites) so I feel like there has to be an intermediary conflict/goal. Do either of you have any ideas about that? I've thought about making A already involved in some m independence group from the beginning in draft two, but that seems a little too on the nose. Super fair! Thanks Yuliya and Ace of Hearts!

Thanks, this is very helpful to hear. I could definitely stand to address this in a more subtle fashion, with more showing and less telling for sure. Thanks! That's really good advice! There actually is a reason for this. The m are descended from a small population of true shapeshifters, but the power has sort of "thinned out" across the generations. At this point, does this feel like necessary information? I didn't really think so, and I didn't see a reason why A would know this, but maybe he could find it out. Thank you Silk!

Interesting submissions! My main note is that I think the chapter 6 here is a better spot to intorduce the alien spies than in the prologue. I still think that there was too much information all at once, though. I think that you can mention she's from another planet, has a beneficially mission, and tease out the rest of the details. Seriously, do not be afraid to let the information flow out slowly. Its interesting stuff, and I think that just giving little bits of it at a time will be more helpful to keep readers reading. Just having it poured out all at once is intimidating and makes me feel like I'm reading a textbook haha. I also was a little unsure of how chapter 6 connects to the main plot, however. I thought the changes to chapter 2 were mostly good. I do like that we get a better sense of what the meeting is earlier on. Good work, interested to see where this goes as always! “his idea to replicate s mechanically” this seems a little on-the-nose to me. It’s hard for me to put into words, but I think “revolutionary” is too strong of language for something that is still untested and probably insane. Also, as a side note, having this as chapter 2 I actually don’t think this description of why artificial s is important is impactful as it could be, since we haven’t seen s yet at this point. “That would be illegal” I didn’t take R to be someone who cared all that much about legality P3 “heated lecturing” nice haha Does this still have the scene with the healing and this has just skipped it? Because I not only really liked that scene and I don’t think this works very well without it I do like how we get an explanation of what the equatorial meeting is P7 If this is the new first introduction of the aliens, I think this is a better place and way to do it. “alma mater” that’s interesting. So the AnO are university graduates? Hmmm P8 I’m sorry, but again at this point with the introduction of this group the P, a Ti Base, n trained people, all these names are just really overwhelming. It’s a lot of information and I can’t help but think that it could be conveyed in a more engaging way than just stating it outright “double shadow” that’s cool P9 It’s interesting to see more how ableist this society is P10 “was hoping that a stranger who could kill” I get what this is trying to say, but it’s worded in a confusing way It’s also a very interesting point of conflict between the two peoples P11 “though, I admire the dedication” lol I’m much more engaged with this part of the chapter btw P12 “I need to know is it is” if it is? “the size M houses” of M houses Btw I don’t know what or who K is, or why this person would immediately know she is looking for it So this is K from the previous chapter, right? Why exactly was he a heister before? Very intriguing…

Hey all, we're approaching what I consider to be the end of act 1 here. Also, I finally broke the 50k word mark! Anyway, any and all critiques are appreciated. I'm also curious about what prescriptive advice/ predictions for the text you have for what happens going forward, because my outline for act 2 is the sparsest of them all. Tags for language as well as drugs (also nonsexual nudity) Thanks again!

I'd like a spot for this week please!

Once again, not a ton of general notes on this one. I agree with the others that Y was a little confusing in going from very angry to joking again in like two minutes, and was genuinely annoying at times with her interruptions. Other than that, good setup for the rest of the story! P1 “and there weren’t people clamoring” Well, she could just refuse to take on the cases or be involved with the dildos at all P2 So Y is currently on the lam? That is interesting, but like also, if I were D I would be a lot angrier with her for involving me. Accident or no, just straight up leaving is very suspicious P3 “sledgehammer of tension” sledgehammer strikes me as an arbitrary word here. P5 “After this lets get a pizza” this is kinda whiplash for me since she was just sulking but here immediately goes back to jokes P8 “this guy is woah” I like to think of myself as knowledgeable in slang, but I have no idea what this is supposed to mean lol P10 “if there are no pigeons” lol "settelement" blackmail money seems more likely imo I thought that having a job that relies specifically on wooden didlos was kind of a stretch, but I’m actually pleased to see that there is a reason for it, apparently, in the localized evil factory

I don't have a ton of general comments this time around, other than that I agree with kais that the library parts at the end are the most interesting to me. At this point, it seems like there are two different plots (the one with the attackers and the one with the library) and not a ton of overlap between the two. I actually liked how they doubled down on the mouse problem though. To me, it really emphasized how the library is focused on perfection to outrageous extremes, which I liked, even if its pretty horrible for the characters. P1 “countered with a stream of water” a little confused here. How exactly did he counter? Does he have water magic or did he just knock the barrel over? “bringing water magic” Okay, so it was magical “soaked from the waist down” Oh no! Now everyone will think he wet himself haha “running at Z” did it grow legs or is it just wobbling really fast? Because honestly either one is awesome but I would like a better mental picture P2 “and his own two attachers” attackers? Wait, why do they have to run? They were clearly the victims here and acting in self defense P4 I remember you saying that the POV was changing for this chapter but honestly up until the dorm room scene, the POV could have been anyone. It felt more like a 3rd person omniscient for this section, which isn’t really bad or good, just what I noticed Oh, forgot that A was a cat for a second haha P7 So I’m guessing that the library is a safe place? Is it just the guards or is there another reason that they don’t try to kidnap her while she’s asleep? Hmmm P9 Oh no, poor F! I don’t think an explanation of what freezing rain is is necessary here. P12 I’m surprise that she’s not more worried about going herb hunting in the woods when she was attacked the last time she went out there “you want to lock me in my room?” that does address the problem I see P14 I like the description of the robes. I can imagine them very easily I like the call and answer too P15 The politics of a new library is interesting! It being brought up here seems a little like a non sequitur however. I’m not sure how it’s related to having their pay docked. Side note: they need to unionize! That’s just horrible treatment from their boss smh

Well, this was definitely very interesting! And very different from what came before. It definitely puts a lot of things into context and gives a different impression of the world and what the story will be like. That being said, it runs into a lot of problems that are common for prologues (and that I myself ran into with my own prologues that i've tried to write myself) mainly that there are a lot of names and Very Important Things being thrown around, but it's kind of overwhelming all together, and while I can tell its supposed to be important, I just don't really feel connected to any of it. I think that the chapter 1 you submitted before was a more engaging and better hook to the story in general. The information in here I think would work better as something that the protagonists discover (namely, interplanetary spies and politics, as well as the magic) rather than something that's just given to us at the beginning. I actually think that very little extra foreshadowing would need to be added because we already know that something is different and magical about the T and everything else. Anyway, that's just my two cents. I also wasn't really connecting with all the different names of races and places, and probably would have a hard time remembering them all, even if I was reading this normally. Overall though, it's well-written and an interesting expansion to the world! I just think that the original chapter 1 would make a better opening, especially since those are the characters we will be following throughout most of the story. Thanks for sharing! P1 “slightly-rounded larger ears” this strikes me as being the wrong order for these adjectives. I think “larger, slightly-rounded” would sound better. Side note: like a mouse? Or a koala? “first tried on M” A little confused here. First tried them as in, he beat m up, or first used them as in M was a previous incarnation of this being? “Runic” interesting. This is something different from the other magic we’ve seen so far P2 “slightly taller” there’s been several instances now of “slightly” this or that. My advice would be to stop hedging and just say “tall” or from earlier “rounded ears” P3, end The text changes between two different fonts here for some reason, just fyi Also, I’m guessing that the ball is invisible to normal people? Might want to specify if that’s the case or not so the reader knows whether or not someone seeing the ball is a danger to A P4 “pale-gray” doesn’t need to be hyphenated. “most people did the opposite” not sure what the opposite would be in this case P5 I really have no idea what they are talking about “fastest blitzkrieg” okay, this gives me some sense of what they are talking about Ah, interesting that the t use this runic magic, apparently. I actually think that this information shouldn’t be here if this is indeed a prologue. I’ll talk more about it in the general notes P7 “intruder alert” I don’t think anyone would actually say “alert”, that just makes him seem like a robot haha. I think just “intruder!” would get the point across P10 “spitted fire” I think should be “spat fire” “D” I assumed that he was another presence since A said he was moving supernaturally fast, and I assumed A also knew that the other one was a presence as well. His surprise here is a little confusing P11 “we kept minimal stuff” I think should be “staff” Hmm well that is interesting!

Once again, a lot of good emotion in this one! I'm also glad that we learn more about the ritual and what's going on. I still wish that W knew a little more, and I'm hoping they have a full disclosure soon where W and N can swap information. I wonder why they are so confident the ritual will stop their problems. Just because one person dies does not mean they'll be able to defend themselves from the terrible might of US capitalism. Unless the death ends up being so gruesome it scares everyone I guess :P. Other than that, I don't have many general notes other than my LBL's. Good work as always, excited to see where this goes! P2 “It’s hard to say for sure,” I replay,” Should be I reply Btw I don’t remember who F is, not sure if WRS *Note, by page 7 she is referenced as C’s mom. It might not hurt just to put a quick reminder that she’s C’s mom up here P2 end, p3 top I’m guessing that this is referring to the weird memory that W keeps on thinking about. I don’t think we know who HK or C is. Also, this conversation is a little bit confusing since it alluding to details without really explaining them. Could be intentional, but I still have no idea how this event played out. “cold iron sword” ooh, that’s intriguing. P4 “indistinguishable from a human” first off, its funny how many little things coincidentally show up in both our stories haha. Secondly, aren’t they already indistinguishable from humans? N and his brother and all the rest pass for human, if a little bit odd. Might be better to specify that its shapeshifted to look like a specific human, unless N and the rest have a magical form that we haven’t seen yet. I see that’s addressed somewhat on the next page. Ah, the mean girl that I can’t remember the name of is his sister?? The plot thickens P5 “And that’s when she and my ma” who is the “she” referenced here? Is it his sister, his grandmother, or does he have two moms? He’s letting F off the hook easy imo Haha, once again the text says exactly what im thinking P7 I appreciate that this takes a more nuanced look at how people stay in abusive relationships, but at the same time, f*ck C, smh P8 “there’s not affection” here’s another example of the main characters being a little on the nose. That’s in character for both N and W, but personally I would use indirect language here like “there’s no love lost between me and my mom…” or “I’d have to care about her opinion for her to be able to corrupt me” (not that one actually, obviously these are just examples haha) Ah, so that’s what the ritual does. I’m actually super on board for this. Get his capitalist ass P9 Okay, I was not expecting them to have ties to any earthly ancestry, but that makes sense. Now I wonder if we’ll see a full-blooded fairy, or if they’ve all been interbred into extinction To N’s point here about not wanting to kill M, though, just killing one person won’t stop an entire corporation. Surely grandma would know this? Right now I’m assuming it would just work on deathnote rules where he keels over from a heart attack so it’s untraceable, but I guess the manner of death matters here. P14 After my mother healed A” This makes it sound like W’s mom healed A magically or something. Maybe something like “after my mother got better, A told me that” P17 “Sorry I didn’t mean it like that” first off, excellent moment of introspection right before this. Second off, with a long soliloquy above this, I was confused about what he was apologizing for and had to scroll back up. Might be helpful to put a little reminder here like “sorry, I didn’t mean to say it’s hard to believe”

Thanks for the replies everyone! Yeah, I think this will be one of my main goals for these early chapters in the second draft. That is, making it seem like he's not just ignoring the red flags That's good to hear That's fair. I might move this section to a later chapter in later drafts, since yeah, it might seem like an overreaction at this point Yes, there was an action scene right before this one, though it was short. I think I tend to have too much introspection in general, which is something I need to keep track of better Thanks this is really helpful! I have mentioned in earlier chapters how there are still nonbinary humans, but yes, this is also a different issue entirely. Hm. I think if I do seek publication, I will definitely look for nb/trans sensitivity readers as well as probably racial sensitivity readers (even though the races are supposed to be nonspecific here). You said that you think here it should be an easy fix, though? That's good to hear. Thanks for catching these grammatical mistakes! This is a good point Haha, that does seem like a weirdly fitting thing for a grandfather to have. It also does bring up a good point. I think I should probably address the fact that the average m also can't recreate certain physical anomalies or birth defects Glad you caught onto this! M is a lying b@$tard, that's all I'm going to say Thank you Ace of Hearts, kais, and Yuliya!

This chapters were very cozy! There was some good characterization and I liked the scene with the singing. That being said, I'm not really sure why the mouse was so disrupting, or what was up with the attackers at the end. They did seem to just come out of nowhere, when the night didn't seem to be going bad or in a rough part of town. It also felt like there could be a little more connectivity with the previous chapters, since I can see what kais means by this seeming like a first chapter. I'm interested to see what happens with the attackers. They are very bold to attack such a large group, even if most of them are kids. Especially a group with multiple magic users! I expect the attackers are either also magical, or will be beaten sorely. P1 Hah, yeah this guy is very rude “I have this record” This is dialogue so it gets a pass on bad grammar, but I think it might read better if you remove “hand writing” “You are so…” Yikes P2 “look into references of other magics” I think this should have a question mark P4 I’m a little surprised by this point that she hasn’t thought about the attempt on her life at all. It seemed like it would have been a traumatic event, but she so far hasn’t thought about it or the secret society that’s apparently out to get her at all “causing her to jumped back” to jump back, probably P6 I do think its amusing that a single mouse is causing all this commotion Okay, that’s a perfectly horrible pun lol. But also, it does seem a little out of nowhere since they’re still in the heat of the moment So it seems like its such a big deal because the magic that keeps mice out is wearing off? I think that can be played up even more, personally Ch6 P8 “for all the world like a rouge” I think should be rogue? P10 I was under the impression that they were too young to drink, like teenagers. I guess that could be old enough in this setting since it is old-fashioned, but this changes my mental picture of their ages Oh, haha I wasn’t expecting a gay bar P12 “guy on the drum” the word “guy” seems a little modern The attack is an interesting twist! It doesn’t seem like a good idea to attack an entire group of people at the same time, though. Lots of witnesses. They must be very confident, which means they are probably from that evil secret society from before.

Not too many comments on this one. I can see that the point of this section was to introduce what I'm guessing will be one of the main conflicts of the story (evil dildo factory) but I'm wondering why exactly D went to visit G in the first place. Was it to confiscate the dildos? But wasn't eh grandma not supposed to be there? Was it just to check up on G and C? Possibly WRS I guess. I really don't have much to say. Everything felt very functional and the characters are well written. Interested to see where this goes! P1 “d refused to point it out” nice lol P2 “straddled it backwards” classic P3 “changing the destination to B” there’s an extra quotation mark here P4 “that she did indeed, often forget things” I think the comma after “indeed” is unnecessary P5 “restaraunts and roundabouts” nice P6 “fancy video doorbells” sidenote: I hate those things P9 I never thought I would feel a sense of dread from learning about a dildo catalogue’s existence lol

Overall, I think that the conversations here are written very well, and I liked the dinner scene. Before this chapter, I thought that B was the main character with the occassional insert from R, but it seems now like that is not the case. Which is interesting to me! I think that K leaving would have a much bigger emotional impact if we knew more about him. At this point, he's only been around for a single chapter, and its unclear exactly how his leaving affects everyone else, other than B not having K around to train him. I'm also still confused about the setting at large. I'm not sure what is significant or different about them being in the camp as opposed to somewhere else, or where or what the Shore is. Show and not tell is good and all that, but at this point I find it hard to know what people are talking about or care when I don't even know what they are talking about. I would also like to know more about the equator thing and why K is going to it and why the others think its significant. Is it a political event? A budget meeting? A war meeting? Still unclear. Excited to see more! P1 “If N brought them out today” I was a little confused by the way this is worded. Maybe something like “"She brought out more than two, meaning they had guests” or something like that Wait, so does R not know he was having people over for dinner? I thought it was his idea “Dutifully creaked” nice P2 Like the conversation at the top of page 2 “How snug that dress…” Er…I think there may be ways to get this idea across that are less objectifying. Comes across very weird since he is supposed to be a father figure P3 Ah, K. Interesting “Obviously” Ha, nice P4 “both younger man’s eyes” I think should be “both of the younger men’s eyes” “R considered all the places” lol P5 “strict regime imprisonment” this strikes me as an odd way to say this. I think that imprisonment is implied to already be strict in most cases, so I don’t think the word “strict” adds anything here, and actually seems out of place The information about the tree is interesting, but at this point I’m more interested in things like the regime, or the equator itself. Obviously, they might not talk about these things if they all know it already, but we still don’t know much about where they are and what things are like for them. We don’t even really know how they got to the place where the t are, or how the place they are at is different from that place, or from the equator. We also don’t know what the Shore is P9 “many a detail.” Some of those details might be nice…since we still don’t really know what an acoustician does “the right choices” nice P 10 “the younger men supposed to” I think should be “the younger man” P 11 “boyfriend” seems a little modern to me compared to the way everyone talks Interesting development with the letter

Hey all, we're back to the regularly scheduled chapters from A's viewpoint this time. My main concerns with this chapter are that: a. The conversations go on too long b. Some of the information may seem redundant from previous chapters. Again, I'm looking for what you think can be cut from this one as I think it might be too long. I'm also concerned with how you think the relationships between characters are developing at this point. Tags are for language and medical gore Thanks again!

I would also like a spot this week please!

Forgot to post my overall thoughts! I liked the magic system presented here, and I think it's cool that they can actually interact with the ancestors themselves. I'm not sure what the takeaway from this chapter is, other than Z being done learning magic, and meeting K. Is K wanting to get into the library supposed to be seen as something dangerous, or just something curious? Right now I'm not sure. Overall, I enjoyed this chapter! Very interesting stuff.

P2 Oh, interesting, this is a view point from Z I’m interested in how the magic seems to work here. “small miniature flaming dragon” Small and miniature is a little redundant P3 “Covenant with P” so far I’m really interested in this magic system. It seems like a mixture of Biblical and Eastern traditions, which is cool to me. I also like the established cost of using the magic, which is potentially very dangerous, as well as being able to directly interact with the ancestors P4 “How to win friends…” not sure what is meant by that I’m surprised that he is this disrespectful of the ancestors, who are obviously so important to everyone else “Now Z-kneel please” I don’t think this should be a new line. K wants to get into the library, then? Not sure what to make of that at this point since I don’t have much of a bead on him other than helpful and possibly a love interest for Z.

I really liked these chapters! I'm fine with the slower pace of the first chapter. It felt just right to me, as this is primarily a romance (I think. It's at least focused on relationships) so seeing those relationships start to develop is actually helping to move the plot along IMO. There were still some moments where it seemed like everyone was in on these machiavellian schemes except W and now there's this mysterious ritual floating around, but I'm not too lost in it all. I feel like it will be revealed in time, and while I want a little more information, what we have now does work. I actually really like how forward and honest both N and W are. Strengths of both characters, and I find it refreshing. As for your second question, she was definitely manipulative and abusive. But she also kind of just...shows up and is immediately really mean to N. And then H beats her up. It felt like all characters involved were lacking tact, though they are all teens so that is to be expected lol I'm curious to see how this plays into the other plans that Ar and A have. P1 “half a mind to yell at Ar” Alright, but the way this is framed seems a little on-the-nose. I think “give him a piece of my mind” or something like that might sound more natural. Though, I guess G might be using straightforward speech for W’s sake? Unclear “I must have hurt him again” oof, poor W, taking all the blame P2 “not getting As in English” I would suggest quotes or an apostrophe on “As” so we know it’s the grade and not the word as P4 “she said she’s going to make it harder” I’m a little surprised that she would just say this out loud. It seems more like something one would infer a teacher is doing rather than them just putting it out in the open, unless this teacher is just that mean. Also, I imagine that harder questions would be harder to grade, so she might just be giving herself more work out of spite “I need to hang out with a cute guy…” boy, if I had a nickel for every time that happened to me… “salmon melts” sounds delicious. How long does that take to prepare, though? Okay, seeing 15 minutes later on. Still seems like a while for her to be waiting outside P10 I like how the awkward wink actually goes to serve his point better P11 “Really. I guess you care so little…” This is probably C talking, but there aren’t any dialogue tags or visual cues that indicate this P12, top “She shouldn’t be doing this with a human was around” while a human was around OR with a human around “that proves that you were” What? “or is this a routine thing” hah, nice. P14 “I doubt we can build the required emotional bond…” Oh no! I hope N hasn’t just been trying to get close to her so he can do this ritual. It seems like his reasons are a little more complicated, but still

I think that B's reason for doing it is very compelling! I think it's definitely intriguing enough to justify why he would go through all the trouble for the tablets, if that's the case. Definitely some important information. As for the chapter itself, it felt like just the right length. This sort of scene where we establish how hard the work is certainly necessary for the story imo, so this works. My main thing was that it felt like K's introduction was a little quick, like we were supposed to already know who he is. Also, I think it was mentioned before, but it seems like everyone talks very formally, which of course could just be their style, but it is something I noticed. Good work! Excited to see where this goes. P1 “this one, made him feel…” unnecessary comma here “since not other settler has gone mad…” I think should be “had gone mad” to keep with the tense P2 “she sniffed at his sweat-tangled hair” I get that this is probably to show that she disapproves of his appearance, but it also makes it seem like she is smelling his hair, which is a little odd lol “If you get any heavier…” absolutely savage, lol “to find K smiling” I don’t remember if this person was introduced before or not P3 “every last coin they owe” I think should be “every coin they own”? The meaning is slightly different “self-inflicted injury…otherwise…” This makes me think that suicide might be a problem among the heisters P5 “seen the arrival of the Moon” okay, that is interesting P6 “what was rewritten” should probably just be “written” P7 “who carved those lines” this seems unfair to R, imo, but is telling of B’s character. Also, can the song heal old scars as well?

This was probably my favorite chapter yet! I especially liked A's chapter. As the others said, the characters are very engaging, and this sub does a lot to thicken the plot, as it were. That being said, to echo the others, all this stuff is happening and all the other characters are in on some sort of devious...thing...that W has no clue about. There's a good sense of dramatic irony, but I feel like W could have more agency if she knew just a little more about what's going on, or if she had some sort of plan. As of right now, she is willingly going along with it, which does fit with the theme of pawns and such, admittedly. Also, like I note below, how does W getting close to N benefit the tycoon? Does he want her to draw him out of his shell, or does he plan to escalate his demands? Unclear right now. Since this is so early in the story for this to be happening, I think that W will have some sort of misadventure in the otherworld. Excited to see where this goes! P1 “tear myself away” nice “blood and sparkling” I think this might belabor this memory, by this point. This mention of it might be fine if it’s the last one we get for a while. “With enough medicine” this seems more like something she hopes than knows. P2 “Yeah, let’s go with that” Yikes! He’s totally a vampire or something, right? Lol “for longer than I consciously remember” I’m glad this is getting recognized and addressed P3 “What looks like an old-fashioned” I think you can remove “what looks like” imo, it’s an old-fashioned manor or it isn’t. “not exactly the style” Oh, that is EXACTLY the style I think of, lol P4 “wallflower” nice “social space” never thought of it that way, very cool “so many Americans lead healthy lives” is this ironic? “not to raise an eyebrow” lol nice P6 “spend more time with N” Okay, I actually laughed out loud at this. I was not expecting that. I’m glad the chapter heading says A because for a second I was confused and thought this was N, inexplicably I’m not sure how W spending time with N actually gets Ar closer to N. P9 So A is also not human? A is in high school right? Not saying that he can’t be having these types of anxieties, but I don’t think anyone is expecting him to be married while in high school. Related, is he supposed to read as ace here? Because he kinda does and if so, that does somewhat explain that anxiety P11 Okay, he is definitely reading as ace here. “Being able to control exactly what the body…” what, like a video game character? I was once a teenage boy and I don’t really get what this is supposed to mean “say something so disturbing” okay, it was intentional then. Effective!

These chapters had some very good character moments and some very good emotion. I especially enjoyed R's perspective on things. That being said, I was a little lost in everything. I think that the cold open of this chapter is not effective. I did not understand what was going on at the end of the first chapter, so I was just confused when it was revealed that B was injured. I would have rather seen B do his thing and pass out than have that happen off-page. I also wish that we had seen them investigate the nest and find it empty, so we could know why that is significant. Overall, I wish I knew why more stuff was significant. I don't remember B placing the tablets or why they are important/what he is trying to measure. I don't know why finding an empty nest is so bad, especially since it happens off page. I like that B decides to train at the end of the chapter, but again, what is so important about those tablets that he is willing to sacrifice so much time and effort to get them? Also, just my personal taste, but I don't think the dream was necessary. It felt like its main purpose was to introduce some of the characters, such as his uncle, brother, and crush, but I think that we could meet all three of those characters in "real life" and it would be better. Though I did like the part where he was uncontrollably making the killing rhythm, and everything in the dream was to that rhythm. Overall, your writing's good! I just feel adrift as a reader, and want something to latch onto character-wise. Excited to read more! P1 Okay, so this is a new POV. I get this is probably to increase the cliffhanger feeling at the end of the first chapter, but it didn’t really seem like they were in much danger at the end of that one. They seemed like they had the situation under control, so I’m not really worried for them, I mainly just want to see what happened at the end of the heist “Bring me the s” not sure if this is a setting-specific thing or not “we have a wounded” technically yes, you can use wounded as a singular noun. However, I think it might read better as just “we have wounded” which sounds just a little more natural to me, inexplicably. “an occasional wounded” here, I think would sound better as “cared for the occasional wounded” “he had run out of tears” nice Okay, so this wounded person is in fact, B. “sipping between her clenched fingers” probably meant “slipping between her…” Also, isn’t R blind? Or was that just a temporary blindness before? P2 “he did so now” nice P3 “melted away the layer o frost” excellent. Loving the descriptions of the magic here P4 Interesting to see how disability plays into this setting, even so early on. It also seems to me that her disability is actually what we would consider normal hearing? She doesn’t have a magically expanded hearing range? I’m a little confused as to why they can’t simply sing the aria several times P5 Ah, so the s beads are what the heist is for. “s beads stolen from the t’s nests, remained” comma splice. Remove comma after “nests” “dark-blue juice” actually does not need a hyphen. “into B’s arm” this makes it sound like it either penetrated the flesh, or was put into a wound in the arm. Maybe, “into B’s hand” I don’t think placing tablets was mentioned in the last chapter. When she asked if he had done what he came for, I was wondering what that even was, since we didn’t actually get an explanation of why he was on the heist anyway. P6 “I promised to help him with his goal” But what is his goal? I’m starting to get a little frustrated by this “shredded to pieces” harsh, I like it lol “it can not be worth it” you can combine “can” and “not” into “cannot”. I think the main reason you would not combine the two would be if you were to emphasize one or the other word, but that isn’t the case here so they can be combined. “shame an avalanche” lol I like N “she likely did not know her nest was empty yet” unsure about the significane of this, or how it has to do with the t going easy on them P7 “preceding a full Moon” moon should not be capitalized “tightly curled fists” ah, so B is an anime protagonist...jk lol P8 “two larger ones for fists” ha! Nice I like the relationship these two have P9 “he had read the sections of the “Directives…” Confused by this sentence. What’s it trying to say? “Never touched the book” nice Oh, and that’s the end of the chapter. I’m not really sure what the take-away for this chapter was supposed to be, other than R and N being introduced “powerful and magical, and orderly” can probably cut the first instance of the word “and” P13 “But only a handful of people” really? I didn’t get that impression from R’s perspective. He revered the song, obviously, but it seemed like it was common enough for healers to play it. Ah, okay, this explains why R couldn’t just play the song multiple times. “open-mouthed gaping” technically not incorrect, I simply don’t like the word gaping, lol P14 “What you did with the t today” Okay, but what did he do? It was unclear, and we didn’t actually see the consequences P16 “flickered in his jaw at the ‘blackwater’ part” should be backwater, I think p17 “Settlement Core” not sure if this is what you’re going for, but you might mean “Settlement Corps” which would be a military branch focused on settlement. As opposed to Core, which is the center of something. The word Corps looks like it should be pronounced “corpse” but is pronounced like “core”. It’s confusing. Also, I predict that N and B will hate each other at first, but will come to like each other