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Everything posted by ginger_reckoning

  1. Yes! And then when Raboniel declared herself "Lesbian the Pursuer" and kissed Leshwi
  2. I can see why Brandon was so excited about the epilogue on this one. Wit's free-style rap was pretty epic.
  3. Lol Good ole adamtots!
  4. Mission accomplished I guess! haha yeah, that'd probably be in poor taste right now. How could I forget! There absolutely MUST be a love triangle, even if there is absolutely no spark or common interest between the characters. How else will we get out character conflict?
  5. All the requirements for YA are so weird. Like, it has to be a certain length, can only be about someone ages 13-18 who is angsty and wants to overthrow the government AND/OR fall in love with a supernatural entity. Oh and their token minority friend who dies for dramatic effect. So weirdly specific
  6. No, not really. He was just flying, and then suddenly in the alleyway. No need to apologize! Typos and stuff are completely normal, just helping you find them
  7. Overall, the tension in these chapters was a lot better. I enjoyed them much better than the last sub, though Q still seems like he wasn’t in much danger from most of them. Also, the crowds and beggars and such seem to be just...there. They don't react to anything, and I'm not really sure what to imagine in regards to the people in this city. Are there a lot of people or just a few? Why do't they react to the fighting? And most of the pople fighting him still don't seem like a challenge, until V arrives. I’m more interested this time to see what will happen next! Pg 1 “the drug was nice” just nice huh “gangsters” I’m guessing you mean, like, gang members? Because for me “gangsters” conjures a very specific image of a guy with a cigar and a pin-striped suit. Which I’m guessing is not what’s on the street here I like the dialogue here Pg 2 “someone wearing beggar cloak” a beggar cloak “spooking the beggars” so how many beggars are there here? Is he passing them constantly, or are they spread out? Is he not worried about them seeing him? “the man grinned” ok that’s horrifying “she was P” what is P Also what is B Ok, so B is described later down. I would suggest to not have him mentally use the term before the description. But the idea itself seems pretty cool. Martial art astral projection type stuff “the Sources try to downplay is” the sources tried to downplay it. Tense slip. Nice fight scene. IMO much better than the previous chapters, as there seemed to be some actual tension and fear from his part that he might lose. Pg 4, ch5 “he is supposed to be…he chooses” more tense slippage in this sentence Pg 5 “his attire” I’m glad this got addressed. There’s some disadvantages to his coat after all “some random person” poor phrasing, I’d say. I think “bystander” or something like that would be better. A note though: can these people not see the spirit? Or are just not phased by the fight? Cause it seems like all these people are jus standing there like zombies, not reacting to Q grabbing them and such Pg 5 “threw his shield” he’s good at objectifying these people Pg 6 Im kinda confused about what’s going on in this page. How’d he get in the alley? Pg 8 “Slipped a toxin” so he just has poison on him? Why not use this before? “G grip loosened” G’s grip “Blackout” black out. “the best the Sources’ had” doesn’t need an apostrophe Pg 9 “fingerless gloves on them” why is he surprised by this? Seems like it fits the rest of her outfit Pg 10 “the gloves” again, I don’t see why he would question the gloves. I think that with the description of her gloves glowing, most people will understand. Pg 11 “Pain arced” I was really confused by this, especially after the part where he was just flying and then was suddenly in the alley. a description of the lightning hitting him would be good. Like a flash of light or something. Something to be aware of: V is the only one with an extensive description, and she saved Q. I fully expect her to team up with Q at some point.
  8. Ok, so just a few notes on the beginning scene, then some line-by-line for the rest. I got pulled in until I realized I had forgot to do the short notes Ok, as for the first chapter in the sub, the setting was nice and well described. But for some reason it seemed a bit…I don’t know…romantic? Maybe I just watch too much Bollywood, but it reminded me of a palace love scene, with the pink stone and the window looking out onto the ocean, and Ir’s odd relationship to BK just made it seem weirdly intimate to me. (there was one part where he was described as slim or something, and I think that also contributed to it) Personally I think it would be way cool to have the juxtaposition of the lovely scene and setting with the Dread of having to face the BK…but he still just doesn’t seem that evil. If that was the point of the scene, however, then you nailed it. As for the magic stuff, I also think that its nice to finally get some answers, but I think it would be even better if there was just alittle bit more of the foreshadowing in previous parts of the book to how the magic works. And as for the part where he drank the poison… Friggin P O W E R M O V E Ok, now starting on the line by line Pg. 11 “hair shot up” I’m not really sure what to imagine here, so I’m going with the Angry Ghibli Hair Thing “names help focus” so she’s just spilling the details of the whole thing huh. What happened to the bird spies and all those “he asked accepting” he asked, accepting “offered with a touch” personally I think just “offered” is fine Pg.12 “Such as strong” such a strong Pg 12 “mash them together” #relatable Pg 13 “age of sixty” lol I was startled before remembering the whole medieval setting and all Pg 13 “with the incredibly long line” this strikes me as an awkward piece of dialogue Nice to see some development between those two! P 14 “under the weight of GW’s stare” Oh yeah I forgot that he was there. Maybe a mention of a curfew or something before this? P 15 “he’s plans to build” he plans to build On another note, I like her progress on this point. The university is a good point to bring up, and her personal knowledge of him gives this a lot of support as well. It makes sense why you wouldn’t really want to portray him as super evil if this is your point. To show this change in her mind. However…this is kind of hard to explain, but this just doesn’t quite feel earned yet. (sorry, that’s not super helpful IK) I think maybe because even from pretty early on, she seemed to accept that the BK wasn’t all evil. If it were a slower revelation, I think this part might have more impact. That’s just me tho. Pg 16 oh oof poor N lol Pg 16 “the O’s rump” is O a title then? Also, this feels at odds with the other scene. I think this should be a separate chapter I’d love a little bit of information on how charms work Ok, so I literally laughed out loud when he handed her the iron XD. That was kind of just surprised me, like when my own dog drops a piece of garbage into my hands. Except for it burns you! Wait I thought iron burned you, not froze you Pg 20 and now she’s in a crowd? Seems like a lot of jumping around I think this short little scene could probably go as her going to one of the other places. Like maybe she has this scene while walking with J to the resteraunt, or something like that. Pg 22 “trying hard not to think about it” NICE But this little section doesn’t really add much. Could probably be tacked onto another scene I liked that we got a lot of answers in this sub! And some good character development. It just seemed a little all over the place. I think some of these could be added to other scenes, as I noted.
  9. Or like Bard magic from DnD Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence
  10. Not necessarily. The definition of a Mary Sue varies from person to person, of course, so I definitely don't have final say. However, I believe a Mary Sue is usually just a "perfect" character. That is, nothing goes wrong for them, everybody likes them despite glaring flaws, and if they do have flaws they are downplayed by the author to make them seem as acceptable, even if it is horrible behaviour. (they tend to be self-inserts, interestingly. Though not all of them.) I think a good example of this is in mainstream media is actually Harry Potter himself, but that is another rant entirely. So far, this character has kind of seemed like a Mary Sue to me because nothing seems to go wrong for him, but that feeling is offset somewhat by the fact that M doesn't like him all that much. I'm glad to hear that he won't always be like this though. I feel like the whole SH thing is fine as well. The genre-savvy reader will probably get that they're space wizards. Just a thought. You won't be able to explain to all your readers.
  11. I saw on Google today that this week is Transgender Awareness week! So to all of the lovely transgender people on this site, we see you and we love you. Have an awesome week!
  12. SHe pulled me in with her octopus spacehsip and kept me with her spooky woman vibes. I'm actually really hoping we see her in Mandolorian, becasue they never actually said what happened to her in Clone Wars! She just walked off after the whole "Wrong Jedi" arc. But its probably unlikely that we'll see her
  13. Nice to meet you too! Welcome to Reading Excuses AND 17th shard! I think its safe to say that we are all nerds in some way or another. I think most people are. I think its awesome that you had a 3d animation major, as that was something I considered but ultimately didn't do. Again, welcome to the forum!
  14. So, a little hack that I used: if you have an Amazon account, you can get Audible and im pretty sure you can get one credit for free. Which you can then use to purchase RoW. Unless you can only read it and not listen to it, which is understandable Also, @Ammanas, are you new here, or I'm I just too new to not have met you yet? Either way, nice to meet you!
  15. Honestly, a valid concern considering the fact that its...ya know...the next SA book Congrats, that was fast! I've been tempted to binge, but im intentionally trying to slow myself down to savor it. I only read three chapters today, which has been a feat of self-control (But if I don't, my poor GPA is going to suffer...)
  16. Ok, gotta say, I've been liking where the chapters have been going lately, and this week did not disappoint. The scene with the guillotine is one of the most impactful so far. However, there were a few little things that distracted me from the overall impact. pg 10: "G, with heavy hooves,..." I Thiiiiink might flow better with "G crossed the stage with heavy hooves. The sentence was just a little clunky. pg 11: "the iron, weighted" I think it flows better as "weighted iron blade" "R, help her look away" the way this is phrased is almost like the narrator is asking R to help her. I think if it was "R, help me look away" as an italicized thought, it would work better. "like gunshot" gunshots, since she takes more than one step. I think I'm with @Mandamon on a couple of points. I think it would be nice to have Ir questioning BK more throughout the whole book, and wondering why she is really there. I also do think that the ram probably had very little chance of actually succeeding. Also, I got excited that maybe she would eavesdrop on some juicy stuff on the end of the first chapter, but then it was just some conspiracy theories. A little sad about that. And, for a little retroactive thought on the last sub: I think that if you were to have them find S's husband after the scene with the ram, it would work better. Then, you have some tension of "Will they find him? is he ok?" while she's on the job and Ir can be worrying about him before getting attacked. Then she goes home, sees that he's alright, gets happy but then her ribs hurt, etc etc He also wouldn't be gone for too long, and is still present for the guillotine scene. Anyway that's my thoughts on the matter.
  17. Let's just say that NaNoWriMo is not the only reason I'm taking this month off
  18. Welcome to Reading Excuses! It's always super exciting to have a new person submitting their stuff. Alright, opening it up now, excited to see what you have in store! Pg. 1 Ok, first line makes me feel as if the narrator is probably crazy. Its an interesting way to open, not sure what to think yet. Pg.1 lots of short and simple sentences, but this seems to reinforce the whole crazy narrator thing. Pg.1 is this mars? Pg. 2, top: so…cannibals? Is she not one of the orange people? Pg 2 “How do I know…” The long list of questions seems a little cliché to me, and the last tow in particular seem a little out of place. Like, borderline humorous, which doesn’t seem to be the tone you’re going for here. I’m also not sure if anyone would question their own ability to think, unless they were some sort of philosopher. Pg 2 “and stained orange…” and was stained orange Pg. 3 ah, so its some kind of mind control Overall this prologue was a little disturbing (not necessarily a bad thing) and a little confusing. The prose itself is clear, and the established mood was good. I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here, but that seems to be the point of this passage. Chapter 1 Pg 4. Not huge, but “listening” has an aspect of paying attention. Ignoring someone seems to be more of “hearing” than “listening” Just general note here, the writing itself is good. I can clearly tell what is going on. Pg. 4 “increase the weight” Gravity itself doesn’t have weight. Maybe replace the word “weight” with something like “pull” Also, if he’s breaking in from the outside of the ship, there would be a strong rush of air outwards as the inside of the ship depressurized. So he would probably be pushed out, not sucked in. Unless his g boots are just super, super strong I guess. I don’t know how those work. Pg 5, top: air would be sucked out immediately. How is he wearing a hat in space? Heheh Jeff Pg 5: MRG, ah these are the guys from the prologue. They made a mirage. Pg 6: “started having their guns…” this phrasing seems weird to me. Pg 7 Ok, this guy seems rude. Pg 7 Ok, I already like this scene with M more than with Q. There’s a lot more tension to it. Pg 8: “starred in horror” stared Pg 8 why did they wait to use the SH Pg 8 how can you be a legend if no one knows about you? I’m guessing just a legend specifically in the criminal world Pg 9 so is insufferable bastard an actual title? Pg 10 “gratefulness” -->gratitude Pg 10 “Yeah, not that…” this is my favortie piece of dialogue so far Pg 10 So he’s addicted to drugs, but there are no ill side effects? Pg 11 D’s name stands out, since everyone else has normal names Pg 13 That was a cool moment. Pg 14 Eh I’m still not a huge fan of this guy Pg 14 Again, how is he keeping his hat on in the first place? Pg 15 “organic garbage” ooooh is he a robot or something? Pg 16 M is overall just a more interesting character to me Pg 18 ok, this makes a little more sense why they would wait to use the SH. Also, is it her own mother she has to talk to? Or the mother of all SH? Or the leader of the group? Can’t wait to get some answers to these questions! So, my overall thoughts on this piece: it is well written and easy to understand, which is a huge plus. I can tell you have developed a style already, which is good. I wasn't super engaged with what was going on, however, and I just didn't really like the MC all that much. Though, the way he is framed, that could be the point. He did seem very nonchalant, which seems to be what you were going for, but just having him waltz in and do everything right isn't really all that engaging to me. However, there is definitely a very strong sense of character, so that is good. I could take or leave the prologue. It seems kind of like a Doctor Who stinger where they reveal someone getting eaten by the alien but you don't see the alien until halfway through the episode. Well written, but it seems like we won't be coming back to this setting for a while.
  19. So, I feel as if my approach to things is a little different than most people, but you might find it helpful. I am very visually-inclined, so a lot of my worldbuilding and character building happens through little thumbnail sketches or drawings. It also helps me when describing a character or place to have a little visual reminder as to what I'm describing. That being said, I also usually write up a sequence of bullet points of things that I want to accomplish in the book, and put sub-points under those as to how I'll need to do that. (It's a little trick I stole off of Brandon, actually. He has a post about it on his official website.) That being said, I usually tend to "go off script" for parts, and then adjust to that.
  20. When Adonalsium got put together and said "Hoid's true plan is to--" and then got shattered again was just a classic troll move.
  21. Ahem, this is a thread for FAKE spoilers, thank you very much
  22. You can do what you want, but you could always wait for a week to see how others do it
  23. Yeah, I know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but poor Lezian. All he wanted to do was enjoy some chouta and instant noodles.
  24. ((Personally I kind of like NOTK as a title) )