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ginger_reckoning last won the day on November 10 2020

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About ginger_reckoning

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    Haver of good times (he/him)

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    Howl's Moving Castle
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    Reading, drawing, hiking, dreading, the ocean

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  1. Overall, this was a strong submission. In answer to your questions: 1. I like the ending of this chapter 5 much better. I think this conversation is much deeper and gets closer to the heart of the real problem. It does put less emphasis on the importance of completing the homework, but if that is not going to be a main focus of the sotry I think it is a good move. I especially think the theme of what it means to be a good friend is good here, since that comes up later in the next chapter. 2. Not really! The end made me very sad, though. 3. I was surprised by MD's perspective, but I thought it worked. If MD never has another viewpoint, you might want to consider giving the viewpoint to someone like C or V, however, for the sake of streamlining. I'm also curious as to how V was able to calm mom down. 4. Yes, very. Even though this is a juvenile conversation, I found it devastating. I think its thematically sound for a middle grade book, as well. I didn't catch any glaring grammatical errors, so good job! I'm especially interested in how the curse seems to be affecting memory. Like the universe itself is trying to gaslight people
  2. For me, it seemed a bit like mind control/ brainwashing because it didn't really seem like B had much of a choice in the matter. He recieved the heart, and was inexplicably drawn to her even though she showed no interest (also, yes, it came across that she was aro, at least for me) also the fact that her mother was absent for the whole story added to that I think, since it seems to imply that maybe she feels the same disdain for the father that D feels for B. The fact that the love was talked about as almost a sinister thing at times also contributed, I think (sorry, I know that question wasn't directed at me) What implications are those? That it's unclean....? Also could you expand a bit on what about it was abrupt? Idk, I think that's it. The abruptness came from B just being turned, and that basically being the end. I would personally like to see a little bit more resolution with her emotions, maybe B himself reacting, or D talking with her dad. It just ends rather suddenly. Maybe some more personal reflection?
  3. Overall, I think this is an interesting idea. I agree with @aeromancerthat this seems more like a form of mind control than real romance, which is actually pretty horrifying to me. B doesn't really have any choice in the matter, and is left with a lifelong commitment to vampirism just because D wanted to fulfill her duty. That being said, I think that is a clever subversion of romance tropes, if that is what you are going for. I thought the ending was abrupt and didn't really tie up the story very well. Also, the flow was a bit off at the beginning with all the time jumps. Personally, I think that the segment about the heart being donated to another baby could be cut down to just a few short lines without any separation. The character of D is interesting, so good job with that Alright, opening the document now, excited to check it out! Pg 1 “This is your making” okay, this is incredibly creepy The same phrase is repeated again and it makes me uneasy “The doctors dig out her…” 0.0 Aw, I get it now lol. Still very creepy “Little D’s heart…” So right here, I don’t think this needs to be separated. I think you can just go straight into her heart being sold, and then maybe have the separation after “keep him alive”. You might not even need it after that. Either way, I think including separation on little parts that are only one or two paragraphs messes with the flow Pg 2 “some more abroad” IDK why, but I just don’t like the phrase “Some more” here. I think just “abroad” would work better “What you know” mmm yes deliciously creepy and a bit insidious See, I think the separation here at this part is okay because there’s more than a few paragraphs. “90%” I’d type this out as ninety percent, personally Pg 3 “tight-lipped” I like this imagery in association with vampires “the body of their perfect mate” lol, wouldn’t that be nice? No need to worry, there is an exact soulmate Okay, never mind that sounds pretty horrible Pg 4 Is the other person still just standing there? Okay, it seems yes “award winning flash” Might want to adjust this phrasing “and you’re really pretty” haha, nice. I like this guy’s confidence. Also feel bad for him, since he doesn't seem to have much choice in the matter Pg 5 I like this little detail that even vampires have to invite each other in “You seem to be more invested” lol relatable Pg 6 “you know how important” the way this is said feels a bit maid-and-butlery to me Pg 7 “octopus earrings” I approve Also, B kinda gets the short end on this deal huh? Doesn’t really have a choice in this Pg 8 Personally I would like to see this conversation, because it seems interesting to me Actually, on second thought I’m not sure it is necessary Pg 9 By this point, I really like the tone and the introspection. The beginning was a bit rough for me, though Pg10 Interesting how love itself seems to be the scary thing. Though It doesn’t seem like she’s actually considering how it would be for B, its more about her own feelings Pg 11 “—whole…” there are a couple of interjections like this. Each one gives all of them less power overall Pg 12 The implications of turning him in a public restroom are a bit…distasteful to me. “wipe her hands clean” oof that’s sad Kina ends abruptly
  4. thanks for the recommendations all! I'll have to check those out
  5. Hey, does anyone have any nonfiction reccomendations? Specifically biographies and historical stuff
  6. I sent you my feedback for chatpers 2 and 3, in case you didn’t see that. On to chapter 4! Pg1 Did you mention they had chickens before? I don’t remember them if so. Oof, poor chickens. This same thing happened to my own chickens one time, but with a raccoon. Definitely not a pretty sight “very confused dog” okay, this scene hits hard for some reason “spherical down to his core” I’m a fan of the slightly unsettling character descriptions, but he’s consistently described as spherical and it makes me think of bigweld from the robot movie by dreamworks. Pg 3 Uhm what Okay that escalated quickly 0_0 Pg 4 My working theory is that V was wished into existence somehow by C with the woodstove Pg 5 I will say this chapter does seem a little graphic for school-aged kids, but then again if the kids are into scary books it shouldn’t be too bad. Idk not my area of expertise As a side note, I found the process of getting the chickens ready to eat to be interesting. “nothing left but ash and fumes” retroactively, I like how they were learning about combustion earlier. I just realized, that was a very sound thematic choice Pg 7 Okay, so with the energy transfer thing, I can’t tell if this is a physical thing that can be seen or just a mental exercise. Either way, feels kinda out of the blue here. Might want to mention this earlier or foreshadow a bit “you’ll learn something” HMMMMMM It would appear my hypothesis about the woodstove was correct XD 1. Yeah, I’d say they make sense for this bizarre town. It was surprising, but also made sense. The fact that the reactions were so mellow was what was weird to me 2. Pace seems pretty fast to me as I stated before, but that is likely a product of a lower word count. Other than that, I think its fine 3. Yes, I think so I have to say, I am enjoying this little mystery. My own grievance with it is V and the other kids, who don’t seem to have much time to be characterized. (Especially V, who literally just pops in)
  7. Overall I was pretty confused by this chapter. I don't understand the stakes, why N feels the need to fight J, or what the RA even does. I think this chapter has a lot of cool ideas, but I am completely lost. If I were to offer a suggestion, I would say to focus more on the immediate goings-on, and the personal motivations of N. Why does he want to overthrow his brother? Why, specifically, is he so at peace? This read more like a chapter set in the middle of the book. While there is some interesting information, for the opening I want something that grabs me by the front of the shirt and demand that I read it. While the writing itself was good, I didn't feel that here. 1. So, this is in the desert. That's about as much as I got from the setting. I'm guessing that the culture is based off cultures from the middle east, with talk of separation of the genders and head wraps. Other than that, didn't get much of a beat 2. Maybe? hard to say, but my guess is that most of what happened could probably be summarized 3. Honestly, I want more connection with the characters. S and Z seemed more interesting to me than N, so since it seems like N is going to die, I'm guessing the story will focus more on them. If so, I'd like even more characterization from them. Tell me why I need to care about these two kids. 4. Definitely feel like too little. I have no idea why the RA is important, or what plans N is involved in. 5. I expect that I will find out who are what the RA is and why it is important. Alright, I’m opening the document now! The title and explanation intrigue me Right off the bat, this first sentence is very long. It kind of kills the punch of “boom, he thinks he might die” because by the time I get there, my eyes are just looking for a period to rest at. Pg 1. “it he technically” second sentence, I don’t understand what it’s trying to say here. “overthinking everything” telling, not showing “contemplating whether or not” I think this can just be “whether” Also, the first sentence of this one is very long as well. “watch them scramble” hah, I like this imagery. Reminds me of chess or something This third paragraph is actually a good way to show not tell that he overthinks everything, but I have no idea what any of this is talking about Pg 2 “all destruction” I like this description. Good characterization as well “was starting” it was starting. I think this is trying to sound conversational, but outside of dialogue I think it needs the object Pg 3. I think I need more of a hook to what the RA is and why it is important Pg.4 “S was a mutt” hold up. Not a big fan of this kind of language being used in the context of race Ah, is this character intersex as well? Neato Why would he want to fight J anyway? Is he trying to take the thrown from him…? Pg. 5 “agree to disagree” I think this should be italicized? Since it’s a direct thought? Hmmm that’s interesting that the princes also get married off Pg 6. Is it weird I actually want to hear more of the speech? Just for a little bit of information as to why they are all gathered, at least “red bird” totally the red angel, right? “gnawed” nice little detail Yep, totally the red angel “around her neck” small detail, but using the “her” pronouns seems a bit…Idk early? All we know at this point is that the figure is wearing a cloak Wait, isn’t S his brother or something? If so, the detail with the eyes is pretty weird… Pg 7 I like N’s internal panicking Ah, so challenging him to combat Wait, its over.
  8. Hey, I'd love to read the revised chapters 2 and 3 and give you my first, unfiltered look on the revised versions if you want to PM me the chapters
  9. New draft! This is exciting! It will be interesting to see how the characters change (Or don’t!) this time around. Pg 1. Unpopular opinion: I’m not a fan of the first line. This story isn’t really focused about murderers or solving mysteries, so I don’t think it fits the tone very well. (Unless this draft has murderers…?) In any case, its clever, but also a little cheap I think. Feels kinda like a “gotcha!” to the reader to me. Idk. “both diverse in their species and in…” I think this sentence could be simplified. Maybe “diverse in both their species and culture” or smt like that. I like the dialogue. Feels mostly natural, though there are a few sentences that are a little clunky imo Pg 2 Is “roastingly” even a word? “Fully twarted the summer’s” thwarted Pg 3. Environmental descriptions are great as always It still makes me a bit uncomfortable that they eat beef when they personally know several cows, but I do think it is an interesting worldbuilding choice. I feel like if there is a conversation about that to lampshade it a bit and perhaps talk about that aspect of the culture, it would do a lot for readers like myself. I like the detail that intelligent dogs can eat grapes. “rather useless ability” useless , ey? ;-) “recipes burning” I like this little metaphor. Pg 5. “pretend nothing happened” I like this paragraph “third m war” first off, nice foreshadowing. Second off, I don’t think a break is necessary here. I like that this meeting is at night instead of evening. I don’t know why, it just seems more fitting. On an unrelated note, Sue >:( Pg 7 “Ir preferred her at her shoulders” her’s at her shoulders “at night?” With the paragraph with the descriptions between the two havles of the dialogue, I had to scroll back up to remind myself what S had just said. Pg 8 “favorite rant” lol, that’s relatable “search homes whenever they want” I imagine they would already be used to this sort of behavior after several bad kings. S seems a lot more assertive early on in this draft. I like it, but it seems to alienate her earlier as well Fun fact: with the whole boiling people alive thing, Mongols thought that would stop you from reincarnating. I don’t know if that connection is on purpose or not, but I like it. I also like how Ir seems more certain about her position this time around. Overall, I like this revision a lot! I don’t have much else to say other than what’s above. I like that both sisters are more assertive this time around, and that makes me curious where their characters will grow to this time around, since they both seem more firmly set from the get-go. There were a couple sentences that were long and a bit confusing that I think could be streamlined, but other than that pretty solid. Sets up some good worldbuiling and characters, which is nice.
  10. So, I was going to go back and read the chapter one, but I saw you have this revision of chapter 1 up, so I will just read this one instead to give a fresh look on the revised version Pg1. Nice opening line. The name C sounds like a person’s name to me This second sentence is a bit long. Could be separated imo Not a fan of present tense, personally, but that’s not huge “C is not only the name…” Ha! Called it Bicycle, huh? This dates this as more modern than I was thinking Pg 2. Okay, so I know I said I don’t like present tense, but I changed my mind after reading this page. I like the style of it. I reserve the right to change my mind again later “sturdiest-looking nearby cursed…” adjective overload! “wrong with the soil…” So there’s not a ton of worldbuilding yet, but if the entire world is like this, wouldn’t it be considered the normal? Or are they from someplace else that isn’t cursed? Pg 3. “if it has an end” again, if they are questioning this, wouldn’t the cursed state just be considered the norm? Like, the town is special compared to everything else as the only place that can sustain human life? (Wait, is C a metaphor for the earth itself? With the cursed land being the rest of the universe?) Ha, I like C’s reasoning here. Very logical and also childish. Good characterization Pg 4 “so if nothing happens” Good point. Can’t prove a negative “it’s hitting her friends” lol. Also, ouch Pg 5 “whether the curse is real” okay, the curse is definitely a metaphor for something. I’m sticking with the empty universe theory I believe Mrs should be Mrs. (with a period) Okay, so this is YA, correct? The school scene is very relatable if so Pg 6. Not sure if this is describing dyslexia or something magical I have never heard the word shan’t before. But I shan’t forget it now. Pg 7 Wait a second, I just realized that there is one boy and two girls in the main trio! Nice “How would she know…” okay, nope the curse is a metaphor for deity. “ nobody could be that rude…” knowing YA tropes, yes they could Pg 8 Okay, her full name is sick The fact that Wood Stove is capitalized gives me a weird sense of dread. “cue ball” nice Pg 10 Hmmmm kind of a fade-out kind of end. I would personally like more of a hook, but the fact that she may or may not be cursed is interesting. Overall, I really enjoyed this! The style is good and easy to read, and the tone so far is mysterious. I could see myself reading this, though it is noticeably styled for a younger audience. (But I could see myself reading this as a preteen) I am curious about what the curse could be. I would say that I connected with C, because of her logical, no-nonsense type of attitude. My biggest concern is that if its been around for a long time, and possibly extends forever, why do they see it as a curse and not just the way things are outside of town? I guess that’s why I kinda think it might be an allegory for something else.
  11. Hey all, finals are wrapping up this week, so I'm back! I see there's a lot of new work here on the site which is exciting! I'm going to try to catch up a little bit, though it might be a little slower this week as I'm moving out of my apartment and finishing my last test.
  12. Thanks!
  13. Hi, sorry to drop off the map for a bit. this semester is turning out to be a lot busier than I expected, so i am going on break until april. I'll be excited to see you then :-P
  14. Overall, I think this is a lot clearer, and I am definitely a lot less confuesd than last time. However, that may be from already reading this, but it does seem clearer to me. I also resonated more with the character, which was good. I'm still not sure if I could just begin a series from this point, but I do think that its better. I think playing up the "I like my friends, but I want to know people like ME" thing would be awesome, and that was definitely the thing that I related to most. Alright, opening the doc now. pg.1 so, just a question, is this implying that P planet can also move, since it has been in the system for only two hundred something years? Sorry if that's already been established I noticed some changes to this paragrpah from last time. I don't know if its that i've read it before, or if the way its worded is just easier to read this time, but it definitely read less like a text book compared to last time. Pla-pirates?? Like, dimension-hopping or something?? So far its easier to follow, but again, not sure if its because I've read some of your stuff now or not pg 2 "and he had more cushioning..." this sentence went on a long time, and I got a little confused I like the text messaging. That's a lot clearer, I think. pg 3. This is just personal preference, but I'm not a fan of parentheses. I mean, I use them a lot in my critiques and things, but not a fan of them in prose. But that's a bit nitpicky. "Salamander legs..." lol this is relatable. "this is MP" reminds me of when you're working on a google doc at like 12 at night and you can see that there's like two other people also there... "Technically" this is a nice explanation that was implied last time, but I like getting it straight as well. "They are yours" mmmmmm I don't trust this, M seems to be baiting her. If that was not the purpose, this might be a little too thick. "pay in information" but isn't your own moon a physical thing, and not information? oh, this is explained later, nvm "do not cross the void" sounds like an ominous death rattle to me. Or just confusing jargon. pg 7 "who look and think..." this is the one that has resonated with me the most so far. the raspberries thing is still incomprehensible to me pg 8 I believe the singular is capitalized God? Not sure if that's a hard-and-fast rule or not though. I like this last line
  15. Thanks, these are some super helpful notes! I guess what I was thinking was more of a gender change than an actual sex change, with them being hermaphrodites but only having one set of genitals "active" at a time. (And then some secondary sexual characteristics, like the feathers, changing as well). I will definitely try to be more careful with not using gender and sex interchangeably in the future. And i will try to show more...personality change I guess? Because I'm trying to write genderfluid. Though I did not think about how that might "otherize" real genderfluid people, I guess my characters will probably have to hang a lmapshade on that somehow. This sounds like fantastic advice, so I will try to make it as clear as possible in the next draft. And probably refer to sex L, since that is what seems to be more applicable to them. You know, part of me was like "but it's only one sentence..." but everybody brought it up, so... this seems to be the main problem. The main beat was kind of supposed to be "Ti wants Ek removed (and possibly killed if necessary)" but I think I need to emphasize that even more. Bes is the name of one of s. I think that might be WRS, but i'm going to make sure i mentioned that earlier just in case Thanks, this is a good point. The thought with this is that the emperor ran this orwellian theocracy and since Tik has been fighting against that he is pretty jaded against religion in general. though if I'm honest theres also probably some projection in there, so I guess that's something to be sesnitive of in the future. Thanks! Oh, I need to make this more clear earlier, I think, though I did put some little descriptors earlier. They look kinda like this, but without fins you know, I don't know. Personally, I'd say either is fine, but probably leans toward she/her since she spends most of her time as female. Though maybe they/them? or even xe/xer? Or maybe h/s? honestly I don't know, and will probably have characters just refer to her with female pronouns unless otherwise stated.