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ginger_reckoning last won the day on November 10 2020

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About ginger_reckoning

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    Haver of good times (he/him)

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    Howl's Moving Castle
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    Reading, drawing, hiking, dreading, the ocean

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  1. Overall, this chapter hit me harder emotionally than I thought it would, so good job iwth that. My main concern with this is that I think it might take too long to do what it needs to do. At first, I thought the funeral was too long, but then changed my mind as I reminded myself that this is the end of the book, and about 10% of the length is normal for falling action. But the stuff after the funeral doesn't seem all that necessary. But then again, it was not too terribly long, so...I'm kind of undecided on this. Also, I would kind of like to see S make the decision to go to the iron mines from her POV, since she was so adamant on dying earlier. It would also help with the floating narration that I mention further down. But other than that, this was an excellent chapter for bringing things to a close. Opening the doc now Pg 1 “It was only the stir…” I think this is passive voice? Not sure tho “slowly stood” I think these two words should be switched imo. “Stood slowly.” “never resurface” nice line Like the emotional descriptions in here so far. Very convincingly at rock bottom “Cliffs” this is also good “L’s small wiry…” I think could just be “his small wiry…”. Y’already know I fall for this one ALL the time… Pg 2 just overall ripped my heart out. Thanks Pg 3 “fingers digging into” digging seems like too strong a word, and kind of pulled me out. The imagery just seems a bit violent. I also noticed the same word was used for L earlier. Though reading the rest of the paragraph, that could be what you were going for. Why give the revolutionaries 3 days? I feel like one day is enough to decide. I feel like this unnecessarily invokes the “three day journey” trope “flower blossoming” coming in clutch with the imagery, as usual “maternal and…” I think you could just say “all her grandparents”. saves a couple words, and makes the sentence a bit easy to read imo Pg 5 it just occurred to me that we don’t know about T’s parents. Does he have them? Brothers or sisters? Pg 6 “one day” huh? Why not just skip to the last day? “but it was enough” implied torture? Doesn’t seem like the BK imo This whole page just kind of floats there. It seems weird to read something that isn’t from anyon’e s viewpoints when most of the book is 3rd person limited Pg 7 say goodbye to her! Don’t end it like last time Pg 8 oh yeah I forgot that Ir and J were together Pg 9 “locked in me” locked me in “no heir” oh yeah, BK needs to adopt Ir so she can be queen. All jokes aside, this scene with J is good. I like that she is confronting some of these problems verbally. I like these little details of life moving on without her being ready. Very realistic Pg 10 “j was an ear” I get what this is saying, but the way this is phrased pulls me out a bit. Like, almost weirdly objectifying? Idk maybe “a listening ear” would be better? “be a crutch” ok, I like this line though, so maybe just ignore the first part XD Pg 11 “like a butt” first off, LOL, second off, this was like a 180 from the rest of the tone of the chapter. Also, the word “butt” seems a bit…modern? Pg 13 “stored her belongs” her belongings Page 15 Where is Cl? Is it in the city, or is it another city? I think she is going to choose to take the job.
  2. Hi, sorry I' late to this one. I think everyone caught most of the lbl's I was going to mention, so I will just give my overall impression of this chapter. I agree that it was much much clearer than the first time reading it, and the physical spaces/realtionships and everything were a lot better to understand this time around. However, since I wasn't so focused on trying to figure out what was going on, some other problems kind of became more apparent to me. for instance, I think there is just a looooooot of stuff being introduced in this chapter, and it was kind of hard to take it all in at once, especially with all the characters, as was mentioned earlier. The talk of blood prices and judgement was still the most interesting to me, and I hope we see more of that. I also agree that I wish we had just a little more character buy in, as I feel that would help me to really take in the details, rather than have them just skim off the surface. If this truly is a prologue, I feel like a short, visceral, emotionally tense scene might be best. You could even start with the duke dying, and just explain that there had just been an explosion. But I don't know, that's just a suggestion, and I would probably still find some of the same issues with it so....idk. But overall, good job with the edits! I'm curious to see what this story will be about, as I have no idea what the main endgoal would be for this story. Which makes me curiosi!
  3. Thank you for all your critiques @Silk! They were all very helpful. In answer to your question, (and I think others asked this) from what I've researched, yes you can swim through the air. It is a fluid, and while it is much much less viscous than water, you can still propel yourself. So it would be slower than swimming in water, but you could do it. (After all, that's basically what a bird or bug is doing when it flies) If you were in a vacuum, though, you would not be able to do this because there would be no air molecules to push off of. I think this has been one of the main problems with the sub so far. I do actually want them to seem like they are in over their heads, and maybe have people question how they even overthrew the emporer in the first place, (especially Ek) but it seems to bee a bit too off-putting as it is. Would it work better if I lamp-shaded it more?
  4. Overall, I think this story is a lot clearer than the last draft, which I like. I agree with the others though that it seems like too much is going on for the length that you have planned. I expect that one of the moms will show up and something will happen with god fungus, but I don't see how that will all be resolved in less than 3000 words. My favorite scenes were the kissing scene and the confrontation immediately afterwards, and then the brief chase at the end. There were couple sentences that were hard to understand, and I commented on a few but not all of them, because I figured this is an early draft and a lot will change. Sorry, this is late Pg1 I enjoy this introductions much better than before! It was a lot easier for me to understand, and helped to draw me in without getting lost a lot better than the last draft. (if its any help, I like the title S in the S. ) Are they friends with W? Doesn’t seem like it based on the past described here Pg 2 I think the phrase “leaving me…lifeless” could be separated with em dashes Pg 3 I get that its probably cut for length, but it feels a little less…desperate this time, with the crush. I kind of miss it. “I would never see” This seemed like a non sequiter until I reread it “supernova” I like this image Pg 4 “got too fed-up” is this suicidal ideation? I guess this is just me but that made me really sad to read. For personal reasons, mostly, but it did not hit me right. Hah, I like the description of L. Reminds me of chloe price from LiS. Pg 5 “secretly hates…” oof relatable Is it L with two L’s or 3? I’ve seen both in this doc I continue to like the little tidbits about how J likes A. Pg 7 so did they hug in the hallway? I ws a little confused by that “Anyone can walk in her.” Ouch Pg 10 “How do you think…” I lol’ed when I read this. Seems like a teen’s dream (or worst nightmare) Setting boundaries is a nice touch. Especially for a YA story. “ dreamed of Doing with her” pronoun slip Pg 11 oh I see why it has the S tag now Pg 11 “unibrow” funny line, seems a bit cliché tho Pg 14 “make sure the GT deosn’t” I’m confused about what this line is saying.
  5. Oooh, duh, yes this would happen. This is totally going in the next draft, thanks hhmmmm yeah...I think this is a very important part, with establishing the dynamic between GT and Ek. So I will definitely try some of these and try to improve this part. noted. hmm ya know what, I'm not sure. It defintiely has YA vibes and my vision of what the cover might look like is very YAish, and its mainly focused on the emotions of the young female protag, so kinda? Buuuuuuut it also deals with some things that I think will be a little heavy/mature for YA, so idk. I kind of have a naturally YA style, though, I've found. thanks for bringing this up because i hadn't thought of that. I'm just going to say "no" based on my author knowledge, but now I have to think of a good explanation why...I think maybe because you can't explore with psychic powers? You can only contact people that you know exist. Something to think about I guess...
  6. Overall, I thought this chapter was very effective for nearing the end of the book. I don't have much to say about it other than my lbl's. Good job! Opening the doc now Pg 2 “had it not been for the cougar” so did the cougar remind her to bow? Pg 3 “your warning” did it really tho? Oh btw it took me this long to say anything because I’m really getting pulled into this chapter. Really good so far :-) I especially like how she feels numb right now. That emotion feels very real here. “more honorable” when has he not been honorable? The story keeps on telling me he’s evil but he’s really been neutral at best. As in, morally grey. “the incorrect opinion” ok, this addresses it a little. I think if we had some kind of obvious scene with the differences between the rumors and the real BK< this would be more clear. Like, if there was a scene where Ir hears some of the rumors and thinks about how he isn’t really like that, maybe? Though maybe you already did that Pg 5 “the rest your contract” The rest of your contract Yeah, he is being super nice to her right now. Perhaps too nice… “scrabbled” like the hit board game? Pg 6 “nothing but nightmares” NICE pg 7 I struggle to remember these directions, I imagine it would be even harder for IR with her emotional state. “they had each betrayed…” I think might sound better as “they had each betrayed the other” Pg 8 Why does S get her own cell? How did she hear about the deal? “SORRY” YES Pg 9 “I want M and Pa” oof Pg 10 this seems pretty petty for the last things they ever say to each other.
  7. Yeah, I'm really glad actually, because when everyone said they were confused, I was like "really?" I thought it was pretty clear...but then I went and actually looked at the doc... *facepalm*
  8. OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OK SO I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO SEND THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE CHAPTER AAAAAAAAA I'm going to resend the chapter I am so sorry no wonder it was so confusing
  9. Hmmm I guess I did jump the gun on this explanation. (I mean, I knew that, so why not her? <sarcasm>) Thanks! Oh yeah, this was supposed to be an alien thing. Like, she can smell hormones and stuff. I should probably call this out more. Thanks, this is valuable information Oh, also, I think everyone commented on this, but yes, it end abruptly. This is not meant to be the end of the chapter, I just didn't like the conversations after taht point, so I didn't include them in this sub so I can rework them. Thanks for sharing these! I somehow managed to miss those two while I was digging through old episodes to listen to. I've also found Tim Hickson's youtube videos on empires and how they rise and fall to be really useful to think through some of these things. Thank you! I will check these out for sure. Hmmm yes this is important. I will rework this to make G more assertive, I think. oppurtunistic ones This is something I'm struggling with because I don't want to become info-dumpy in the text. But...I do have a little document I drew up, and maybe if you want to look at it and give it some critiques? If you're game, just based on the structure I've set up. I'll put it in the spoiler below. (It is a bit spoilery) Thank you, this is a good idea, I think. Thank you everyone!
  10. One thing I forgot in the email: is it still too infodumpy? I feel like it might be, but IDK. Thanks again! edit: I forgot to send the first full chapter. The second document has the full 3rd chapter, but not the fourth. Sorry.
  11. May I have a slot for next week as well?
  12. Overall, I like this as the start much better than the other subbed chapters. I thought the writing was much easier to follow, and I got a better sense of the world/characters. And it doesn't seem as tropey. That being said, it could still use some improvements, especially with the characters and buy-in as others have noted. Also, I didn't mind the use of "the boys" but it was noticable by the end. Maybe try a few other words to mix things up a bit. Combat was good. Kept it short but interesting. Also very brutal. I don't really have any comments on the sword. Seems like a standard magic sword. Ok, first off, I’m impressed by the worldbuilding I saw in the other document, seems very interesting. Okay, opening the doc now. Pg 1 This opening quote is interesting…this person has experienced death multiple times huh Is this like a marvel-style location tag? Hmmmm that’s interesting One paragraph in, I’m liking the writing a lot better than the other version “reassuringly as AH” I read this as anne Hathaway the first time “do you think its r?” she asked -I don’t think She needs to be capitalized “grunt of assent, it” I think the sentence should end after “ascent” imo Pg 2 A lot of these sentences have an odd structure, it seems. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but it seems like some of these commas are unnecessary. “she had a way with people” yes, this is definitely a run-on sentence “something shaped like a man” Oooooh. Monster hunting time “the figure” I think this paragraph could be broken into several smaller ones “the figure (third paragraph), a woman…” I think this thought should be separated by em dashes. “the figure—a woman C realized—” Pg 3 so two people are fighting and believe me, I love a good fight scene, but like, why are they fighting? And who should I be rooting for? I think I need just a bit more buy-in for C. “who are you” my question as well And now she is dead. I liked the description of the fighting a lot, but it was very quick and I don’t know if she is just incompetent if if its form the swords power. Much improved from the last one, tho. “c rolled her over and…” this should be two sentences Oh, here’s the spit thing again. A little less weird this time, with the explanation, but still… Pg 4 there’s a lot of names of places and people and I can’t really follow them all Pg 5 I like the description of the pain, well done shouldn’t he favor his nonwounded side? Wait, when did he lose his horse? I guess I also lost it… Pg6 so who are they going to fight, and why should I care? I still don’t really have much buy-in Pg 7 “not f*ing around” oh, heh that caught me by surprise. I think this is the first real swear I think I would also care about the BG more if I cared more about the relationship between C and A. This scene is good, but I want more. Why do I want these characters to be happy? What is their dynamic together? Pg 8 Yeah, not a smart decision to fight while wounded. Unless the sword has healing powers or something “head on a pike” nice and dramatic. Definitely a grimdark Pg 9 more spitting R keeps on calling him young, but how young is he? I’m imagining a middle-aged man, since he’s been calling the soldiers “boys” Pg 10 “he knows about” and we know that he knows about it, so I don’t think she needs to say this Pg 11 I like that he knows his limits. Puts a nice touch of intensity/stakes to this battle Ripping the flesh” oof that made me cringe
  13. Where I come from, we call that "editing" :-)
  14. So, personally I thought that the healer warning them and then the explosion happening, maybe the healer was a maleficent type character who had warned that if she wasn't treated better she would explode them. Or perhaps she was a soothsayer and told them to expect the worst because an earthquake was going to happen. I think maybe if you explicitly say that the healer was warning them about the operation/childbirth (it was a childbirth, right?) then it would be a lot clearer.