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ginger_reckoning last won the day on November 10 2020

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About ginger_reckoning

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    Haver of good times (he/him)

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    Howl's Moving Castle
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    Reading, drawing, hiking, dreading, the ocean
  1. I liked seeing the other witches in this chapter, as well as getting a bit more explanation about the world, and the situation with F and Q. I don’t really have many other notes on this other than why the queen would think to try to reform such a dangerous criminal, but that is also called out by the characters. Dialogue was good as always, and I’m excited to see what will happen! Though I will note that the cliffhanger doesn’t work as well as I think it could, since the gun is almost guaranteed to not work since we just barely had the stakes elevated once again. I would rather see the gun not work, and have that be the cliffhanger. Though who knows? Maybe it will work as expected Pg 2 “Nun’s legs” lol “Sardonic moaning” I don’t get this. Why would he describe his own speech as moaning? It puts him in a bad light, which does not seem like something F would do “I hardly think” lol Pg 4 Loving the dialogue here so far. I like the phrase “drop of acid” but describing it as burning through her tongue makes it sound like it hurts her more than him Pg 5 “boilerplate” lol “Wanted him for him” this seems a bit delusional, even for F Pg 6 “Why haven’t you used it yet” that’s what I’m wondering… Pg 7 This is the second use of caterwauling in the chapter. Not necessarily bad, but noticeable “He was still…” this is why I was assuming he was sticking with Q, so she would turn him back into a human Pg 8 Hah! Okay, I was not expecting checkov’s foreskin Pg 12 “She took a patch…” to me this is unclear if she is actually affecting the stars with her magic or not, though I do like the imagery. Pg 13 “The one land-based mammal” An ostrich is not a mammal. Pg 15 “not her mother” not whose mother?
  2. Thanks Silk! Reading through it again, I agree. I think I might cut the first instance of mentioning he is pretending to be someone else, and let the reader figure that out naturally. Do you think that would work, or would it be less confusing to just establish it very early on? I think this will be one of the main focuses of the revision, clearly setting up exactly what the stakes are for A and the m at large. Thanks again!
  3. I really liked the lyrics on this one! Some of the lines really resonated with me, such as "Get one thing right" and the following lines. So yes, I would say they resonate. I think the biggest thing (and it seems to be something brought up by the others) is the "I'm nobody's perfect" where perfect seems to be a noun. Now it could be a meta thing, where the lyrics aren't perfect just like the narrator, but I just didn't really understand, or maybe "nobody" is meant more like "no body". In any case, that was the biggest source of confusion for me. It does seems like the stanzas are in the right order, and to me it does seem complete. Good song!
  4. I don't really have many notes on this other than my LBLs, and even those are pretty sparse. Things are heating up for sure. Excited to see what happens! Pg 1 “But zombies…” I don’t understand this. If it doesn’t work on the dead, how do the zombies get to circumvent that rule? Is it because they are not considered alive or dead? “beach itself on the seat” nice Pg 3 “wave of pain raze his inner…” razed Pg 4 Ah nice, he’s just a head, that’s interesting “how in the world he was still alive” I think should be “was he” Pg 5 This monologue goes on a little long imo. I could guess most of this information about zombies. Pg 7 “Razed the heavens” hmmm interesting Pg 8 What? Napalm? That wasn’t invented until the 1940s and requires gasoline as a core ingredient. I’m still really confused about the technology level here. Pg 12 “J into oncoming field” the oncoming field “varicose veins who reached for her face” this sentence is a little confusing, and it makes it sound as if it’s the varicose veins doing the reaching, not the girl Slamming the butt of a loaded crossbow seems even more dangerous than slamming the butt of a loaded gun “You…you alright?” this phrase is not in quotation marks Pg 13 I’m with B on this one. Can she at least use ole reliable fireball on the zombies? Pg 15 “feather boa” ha, nice “No visible effort to rescue me against you” the way this is phrased is a little confusing
  5. I don't have a tone of notes for this submission, other than typos. My one biggest thing is that the kiss at the end kind of came out of nowhere. It didn't seem like P necessarily wanted to kiss A throughout the chapter, but then suddenly used not wanting to talk as an excuse to do so when it didn't really seem all that urgent. Especially when it didn't actually end up saving them any time. Not that you can't get carried away, or have different reasons! Excited to see what happens! Opening the doc now! Just a note here, B did seem suspicious from the way P was observing xir, but that makes me think the B will be a red herring of sorts, since it was so obvious. “In moved across the pages” Confused. It moved across the pages? Hopefully their enemies don’t also have a magic surveillance book of A’s room… Pg 2 “beasts” ooh, that is interesting. “You have nothing to fear from me” this is a very fae way to word this, imo. Leaves it open that they might have something to fear, just not from A. “then you either agree…” this sentence is kinda lengthy for me “And there were a lot” This sentence repeats the exact wording of the one before it. I think it could be simplified to something like “Who would do exactly that” or something in that vein Pg 3 Haha, I’m very ready for this to become a “we got married for tax benefits” storyline “next to him” does A have multiple pronouns? “making them nervous” I think you could cut out this phrase because the next sentence describes in what ways they are nervous. “You do not know what my birth gender” again, this kind of says what the last sentence just did, and I think it could be cut without losing much. Pg 4 “W” reminds me of Lewis Carol! (in a good way) Pg 5 “They fae” the fae “And then to keep in going” keep it going “A didn’t take on it meant” I don’t know what this sentence is trying to say. Pg 6 “went agin much that P” went against much “a fool about the walk to” about to walk to “and we willing to follow” were willing Pg 7 “the who layout” the whole layout “better off not knowing” that is interesting, and a little creepy. Is it supposed to imply enslavement? Pg 8 “your opinions about humans” uh oh “it was a dream, but as they stared” I think it should be a new sentence after “dream” “G” hah, nice name Pg 9 “A burnt out shell” nice characterization There do seem to be more people up and about than the beginning of the chapter led me to believe. The kiss is well written, but kind of out of nowhere imo
  6. Looking through Flowergirl and Mandamon's replies, it looks like I had a lot of the same notes as them. It seems like the story has a villain now in B, which was an interesting twist. Very interested to see how they deal with this zombie plague! Opening the doc now! “ironic vegetable stew” I think I missed why this would be ironic. Is it just because it would be their “meat”? “shuttlecock” good imagery “street rats” Aladdin Pg 2 “F swallowed” this, right after talking about eating, is a little confusing (doesn’t help that the subject of the eating is gross) Wait do ostriches really have big pp? Not looking that up, but interesting Also, every single sub so far has had a discussion about p3ns1ses so far. I get it’s kind of a character quirk for Q, but I’m gonna say the same thing that I would say to most modern adult cartoons: the inherent funniness of the ding dong wears out pretty quickly (insert pun) Pg 3 “no long-lashed fairy princess!” not sure how this relates to emus. Ostriches also have long eyelashes, I think A vampire? Interesting… “sucked in a breath” gasped? “imprisoned” nice sentence structure here Pg 5 “kept the receipt” lol Ah, so they’re so desperate for contestant that they are kidnapping people? Or was this how it was always done? “jousted using ostriches” lol, is this a reference to the video game “Joust”? “ bout of charades, got his answers” this sentence lacks a subject, technically. Should say, “he got his answers” “shrug, no, and no” Oh no! Now I have to go back and read through the paragraph to see which answers go to which questions! Pg 6 “the dead rat rotated” “shut eye opened” you can remove the word shut. If the eye opened, we can reasonably infer that it was shut before Pg 8 “pint-sized” nice Pg 9 Whoah what happened to the font Okay so halfway down the page, I’m guessing this is what Q is writing? “imaginary piano” I don’t get this Pg 11 So far I like her style Wait so this lady stabbed herself with her nails and everyone likes that? Odd P12 “eight full feet” nice Pg 15 Oooh, this is an interesting development. So the vampire is what is giving him power, which lets him do his thing. I sense that that pair might end up being a formidable foe for Q Pg 17 That got very violent very quickly Hmm interesting twist at the end
  7. Grammatically, this chapter had a lot less errors and was a lot easier to read, so good job! It also seems like there is a clear direction for the plot now, being: stop the president from committing genocide. It really felt like the plot was moving forward in this chapter, which was good. I still have trouble believing that this place can actually function, since they are okay with having important discussions of national policy where apparently two children can easily overhear. Also, as others have noted before, there seems to be a disconnect between the content of the chapters and how J and the others react to them. For instance, J learns that the president is planning to kill thousands of people, including everyone she has ever known and loved, and she thinks "I want to punch him in the face". Like sure, but that feels like an understatement. Also, J does a lot of stuff to piss off the guards when she was told explicitly that they would kill her family if she didn't cooperate in the last sub Overall though, good submission! Excited to see what happens next Opening the doc now! Already this sub is a lot easier to read! Personally I would like to know what sort of distraction N created Pg2 “I’d like to be rid of the lot…” Hmm, who are they talking about? The prisoners or the general population? “Don’t base rebellion” ah, so this is the president and A? Are they discussing whether or not to imprison all the citizens? Again, this brings up the question of security in this place “trained one” oof “more genetically superior” I think you can cut the word “more” as it’s a little redundant. Also, 0.0 “I completely agree” this is sort of an understatement I feel like. They are talking about committing genocide after all, right? Pg 3 “they don’t understand how much everything changed” because you have been intentionally keeping them in the dark, right? “they’ll come things as we” come to see things? “aren’t worth keeping” this repeats the phrase “worth keeping”. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was noticeable. Well that was a horrifying conversation Pg 4 “I knew A was trouble” hmmm. I don’t think this is entirely A’s fault here. Pg 5 “There got to be a way to” there’s Also, probably not a good idea to think about your plans in the presence of an enemy mind-reader Pg 6 “someone’s grumpy” I would think that would be the default feeling here… “they’re harmless” Is N a gifted? Would she not say “we’re harmless”? Pg 7 “Presses her hands to her temples” okay, I definitely think she is gifted Pg 8 “therefore they can’t attack” unless they just decide to kill them all… “picture of R” does this work? Looking this up… Apparently this does work but it would have to be a very high resolution photo Pg 11 Spilling the hot chocolate on C comes across as a little petty imo, especially if she wants to get her key card eventually. Though it is interesting that she is still rebellious even knowing she will be punished severely (or just straight up killed) Pg 12 If she cut’s C’s belt, she’ll immediately know it’s stolen, right? Pg 14 “I kick L in the knuts” it’s just “nuts” On a related note, I think it would make sense for someone in his position to wear a cup or even just straight up armor, since the people he is supposed to torture might react to the pain violently. “I call tell L” I can tell? Pg 15 Ah, so N was protecting her?
  8. Thanks @shatteredsmooth! That seems to be the consensus for this chapter. I will really make sure to make the stakes clear, and what exactly A is going to do at the end of the chapter and why. Gender is interesting for m but A is he/him. There are going to be a lot of they/thems in future submissions, both human and m, but A is h/h Thanks again!
  9. Thanks @JWerner! Noted. I added a paragraph that I think should help with that, as it explains a little bit about the threat A perceives. If I were to add this paragraph, do you think that would be enough to make the hook more solid, or do you think that it would still need more? Thanks, I agree more specific stakes are probably for the best Good point Yeah, that's what I was worried about. Did you find that it pulled you out? Thanks again!
  10. Ahh, right. I think that's one of those things that seems super clear when you write it because it's in your head, so of course the reader knows! I think I'll just cut and paste this parargraph to be earlier in the chapter. Hopefully that will help. Hmm that is interesting to hear, thank you Yes, while a human in this setting lives to be about 75 years on average, a m lives to be about 55. Does this work well as a tone promise? Is it too much or not enough? Because this story will be a lot darker and more violent than anything I've written before. Thanks mandamon!
  11. Sweet! I'm glad you enjoyed it. That's good to hear. I just think that I can't be too careful, as I don't want to tread on anyone's feelings. It's something I'm going to try to be cognizant of while writing this month. That's basically correct! Thanks flowergirl! I'm glad you liked it!
  12. I don't have a ton to say about this sub in particular. Again, the characters and style are very distinct and humorous, which is definitely the biggest strength of the piece. It also seems like we get what is maybe the inciting incident at the end of this chapter, and little hints as to what the plot will be. My biggest note about this chapter, which I also wrote a little about in the LBLs, is that the ending, at least for me, doesn't hook me as much as it could. Yes, F is kidnapped and his talismans might fall into the wrong hands, but Q doesn't seem to care about F being gone, so why should I? It's in-character for her, but not terribly gripping. If I had encountered this story in the wild, I would probably continue reading because of the aforementioned humor and style, but not necessarily because I actually want to see what will happen to F. As a reader, I assume that either Q will be forced to save F against her better judgement, or that the POV will switch to F. Overall though, good sub! Excited to read more Opening doc now! Pg1 “Which was definitely a first” Really? She’s never smelled a bad town? I see later down that wasn’t really what you were getting at “hagh, fine” nice, I can really hear the plugged nose “as the Queen” she must be really smelly then… IMO slum is not particularly worse than shantytown, at least not enough to draw a significant difference between the two Nice descriptions, I can envision the town very well “half the charm” nice Pg 2 “pods of haggard” I like “pods” here “shot out” some more good characterization here Pg 3 “and-slash-or she ends up” had to reread this phrase to realize what it was. Also, doesn’t need the second “she” in the sentence, so it can read “she gets us both killed, and-slash-or ends up sending…” Pg 4 “those pits” what kind of pit? A violent and brutal one? Could she not have guessed that from the fact it hosts an annual fight to the death? “maximum warning” lol “brain fluid” lol “snatched back the ID back” repeats the word “back” “streaks of color” a little confused by this. Because the sweat smeared the ash off? Pg 5 Some good dialogue here again Pg 6 “conjoined with the wall” I’m not sure if conjoined is the right word for what you mean “digit it” digit in it? Also, does she have abnormally thin fingers? Because you normally can’t touch your own eardrum without a pencil or ear swab. Or does she have large ear canals? It mentions further down that she has long fingers, but length isn’t really the issue here Pg 7 “A scream erupted” Hah! “Q longer than that” I smell foreshadowing… “went upstairs to her room” should say “she went upstairs to her room” otherwise the sentence lacks a subject Pg 8 “stop. Feckin. Doing it.” The last sub also had an instance of this type of punctuation. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it is more effective the less it is used and I did notice it “stinging nettle” this is interesting to me because it implies that it was somehow painful for her to do Pg 9 “was savvy enough” F doesn’t seem like the kind of person to do this, but I guess it would be an act anyway if that were the case “vomit out” nice Pg 10 “single shining beam” if it’s coming from inside a marble, shouldn’t the light go out in all directions? I have a hard time imaging a single beam “one harvestable” hmmm interesting… Hopefully she doesn’t need that later when shenanigans inevitably go down Pg 11 “started spreading” spreading where? You just said it was in her entire body, so where does it have to spread? I think something stronger could be used here Pg 13 “sometimes the sandman had sometimes” repeats sometimes “in his way of getting killed” I’m not sure about the phrasing of this. I think maybe “stand in the way of his getting killed”? “what to do in the case” This is relatable. Pg 14 This last part seems very in-character for Q, but if she doesn’t care about F, then why should I, the reader?
  13. These chapters felt like a good way to establish what is becoming the new normal. There wasn't a ton of forward movement or new information, but I personally found that to be okay, so long as that is not a constant thing in upcoming subs. In my opinion, it's okay to have a chapter or two that takes its time to establish new things, but that shouldn't be all chapters. You are definitely improving with how you format sentences, and this chapter was easier to read and understand than previous ones, so good work! There were still some errors though, so that is something to keep in mind. The introduction of R was a little fast, but I thought it was effective. I still think that the system they have, while horrible with they way they psychically torture people, is still pretty lax. I imagine it wouldn't be too difficult to get together to plan an escape, when you are free to visit other rooms with no surveillance. Excited to see more! Opening the doc now! Pg 1 “If T can’t even say his name…” Oh no! It looks like you may have over-corrected, because this is an incomplete sentence. This is a step in the right direction, though! The next paragraph, though, it looks as if you’ve separated the sentences well. “Try something like that and…” Since J did just try it, I think maybe it should say “try something like that again” or be a promise that she will be punished for doing that later. In any case, it was pretty bold of J to simply snatch the paper in the first place. “Though F said R was worse…” This sentence makes sense but I had to read it twice :-P Oof, it seems like J is just making things worse for herself… Pg 2 You’ve been doing really well with the commas so far, it’s much easier to read this time! (IMO, of course) However, the sentence “I let out a breath of relief, the elevator didn’t break” should either be two separate sentences, be connected with a semicolon, or use “because” to connect them. I believe since it’s a cause and effect relationship, you can format it this way: “I let out a sigh of relief; the elevator didn’t break.” “not in eyes” this is an acceptable use of commas, I believe. Also, I like the description of the eyes, they are very spooky. Pg 3 Her character really shines through on this page, as she is still impulsive to a fault. I find it very interesting. “Here’s the deal, you cooperate” You can use a colon here, so it should look like “Here’s the deal: you cooperate…” “resort to violence” they’ve already resorted to violence, so this would be resorting to murder imo Also, very scary. This is what I’d expect of a guy in this position Ah! Punching would be very bad right now! “you’re dismissed,…” You’re dismissed. Pg 4 “C is lecturing me but I can’t hear a word…” Good emotion here Pg 5 “twenty four seven” twenty-four-seven. Interesting that they allow the prisoners to visit each other in their rooms. Do they have cameras and microphones? If not, they are practically asking for everybody to plot together to escape, or coordinate riots/attacks Pg 6 “miscreant T” I think you may have accidentally hit enter between these two words. Pg 7 “why would I need emotional support?” Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth… “sometimes people start have” start having Pg8 “the worst that can happen is she gets reported” That doesn’t seem like that’s the case. It seems like the G are very willing to punish someone for doing something like that Pg 9 “Sorry, I couldn’t, you were…” What? I’m not sure what he’s trying to say here. “I try to smile at F, it’s a pathetic…” I try to smile at F. OR I try to smile at F, but it’s… “I don’t know what to expect” I like this “goodness within the G population” this line is kinda wordy, especially from J, who usually speaks simply. Pg 10 “the night before I became T he proposed Then I” You’re missing a period between “proposed” and “Then” Pg 11 “wakes me up” is repeated close together. It’s a little distracting. She is the only one in the classroom, yes? Would C not notice that she’s dozing off immediately? Ah, further down I see she was doing it on purpose so J could be punished. Another note, I think this is actually the first solid proof that G can read minds. Pg 12 “waterfall of agony” great visual Pg 13 “Who knows what’s in this stuff” this line is a bit redundant Pg 14 It is an interesting development that A was the president’s son, but I’m not really sure how that information should affect the reader. Pg 16 Hah, that’s pretty funny. Pg 17 “That’s what the guard told me” this is redundant
  14. Happy Halloween, all! It's been a while, so thanks for reading this. This is the first chapter of what I plan to write for NaNoWriMo this year. (Which starts tomorrow. Eep!) So far I have just the first two chapters and the outline written. Anyway, I wanted to hear your opinions on this piece before I write the main body of the story this month. So, I'm mainly looking for your overall reaction to the piece, and what your questions/expectations are for the rest of the story. Since the first chapter is one of the most important, I'd also like to hear your suggestions on how to make it really pop. Is it too fast? Are there too many descriptions that bog it down? That sort of thing. This story recycles the setting and some characters from one that I subbed here a while ago, but the plot is completely changed since then, just heads up. There is also one aspect of the plot that is reminiscent of a set of particularly tragic real-world events. Does that pull you out of the story too much, or is it too off-putting overall? I plan on subbing the rest in December or January, but I will keep your thoughts in mind for when I do the first revision. Thanks again! (BTW I'm tagging for gore because of descriptions of shapeshifting, the actual gore is pretty low.)
  15. I'll tentatively take a spot, but only if there's a spot after those with ongoing projects