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ginger_reckoning last won the day on November 10 2020

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About ginger_reckoning

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    Haver of good times (he/him)

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    Howl's Moving Castle
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    Reading, drawing, hiking, dreading, the ocean

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  1. New draft! This is exciting! It will be interesting to see how the characters change (Or don’t!) this time around. Pg 1. Unpopular opinion: I’m not a fan of the first line. This story isn’t really focused about murderers or solving mysteries, so I don’t think it fits the tone very well. (Unless this draft has murderers…?) In any case, its clever, but also a little cheap I think. Feels kinda like a “gotcha!” to the reader to me. Idk. “both diverse in their species and in…” I think this sentence could be simplified. Maybe “diverse in both their species and culture” or smt like that. I like the dialogue. Feels mostly natural, though there are a few sentences that are a little clunky imo Pg 2 Is “roastingly” even a word? “Fully twarted the summer’s” thwarted Pg 3. Environmental descriptions are great as always It still makes me a bit uncomfortable that they eat beef when they personally know several cows, but I do think it is an interesting worldbuilding choice. I feel like if there is a conversation about that to lampshade it a bit and perhaps talk about that aspect of the culture, it would do a lot for readers like myself. I like the detail that intelligent dogs can eat grapes. “rather useless ability” useless , ey? ;-) “recipes burning” I like this little metaphor. Pg 5. “pretend nothing happened” I like this paragraph “third m war” first off, nice foreshadowing. Second off, I don’t think a break is necessary here. I like that this meeting is at night instead of evening. I don’t know why, it just seems more fitting. On an unrelated note, Sue >:( Pg 7 “Ir preferred her at her shoulders” her’s at her shoulders “at night?” With the paragraph with the descriptions between the two havles of the dialogue, I had to scroll back up to remind myself what S had just said. Pg 8 “favorite rant” lol, that’s relatable “search homes whenever they want” I imagine they would already be used to this sort of behavior after several bad kings. S seems a lot more assertive early on in this draft. I like it, but it seems to alienate her earlier as well Fun fact: with the whole boiling people alive thing, Mongols thought that would stop you from reincarnating. I don’t know if that connection is on purpose or not, but I like it. I also like how Ir seems more certain about her position this time around. Overall, I like this revision a lot! I don’t have much else to say other than what’s above. I like that both sisters are more assertive this time around, and that makes me curious where their characters will grow to this time around, since they both seem more firmly set from the get-go. There were a couple sentences that were long and a bit confusing that I think could be streamlined, but other than that pretty solid. Sets up some good worldbuiling and characters, which is nice.
  2. So, I was going to go back and read the chapter one, but I saw you have this revision of chapter 1 up, so I will just read this one instead to give a fresh look on the revised version Pg1. Nice opening line. The name C sounds like a person’s name to me This second sentence is a bit long. Could be separated imo Not a fan of present tense, personally, but that’s not huge “C is not only the name…” Ha! Called it Bicycle, huh? This dates this as more modern than I was thinking Pg 2. Okay, so I know I said I don’t like present tense, but I changed my mind after reading this page. I like the style of it. I reserve the right to change my mind again later “sturdiest-looking nearby cursed…” adjective overload! “wrong with the soil…” So there’s not a ton of worldbuilding yet, but if the entire world is like this, wouldn’t it be considered the normal? Or are they from someplace else that isn’t cursed? Pg 3. “if it has an end” again, if they are questioning this, wouldn’t the cursed state just be considered the norm? Like, the town is special compared to everything else as the only place that can sustain human life? (Wait, is C a metaphor for the earth itself? With the cursed land being the rest of the universe?) Ha, I like C’s reasoning here. Very logical and also childish. Good characterization Pg 4 “so if nothing happens” Good point. Can’t prove a negative “it’s hitting her friends” lol. Also, ouch Pg 5 “whether the curse is real” okay, the curse is definitely a metaphor for something. I’m sticking with the empty universe theory I believe Mrs should be Mrs. (with a period) Okay, so this is YA, correct? The school scene is very relatable if so Pg 6. Not sure if this is describing dyslexia or something magical I have never heard the word shan’t before. But I shan’t forget it now. Pg 7 Wait a second, I just realized that there is one boy and two girls in the main trio! Nice “How would she know…” okay, nope the curse is a metaphor for deity. “ nobody could be that rude…” knowing YA tropes, yes they could Pg 8 Okay, her full name is sick The fact that Wood Stove is capitalized gives me a weird sense of dread. “cue ball” nice Pg 10 Hmmmm kind of a fade-out kind of end. I would personally like more of a hook, but the fact that she may or may not be cursed is interesting. Overall, I really enjoyed this! The style is good and easy to read, and the tone so far is mysterious. I could see myself reading this, though it is noticeably styled for a younger audience. (But I could see myself reading this as a preteen) I am curious about what the curse could be. I would say that I connected with C, because of her logical, no-nonsense type of attitude. My biggest concern is that if its been around for a long time, and possibly extends forever, why do they see it as a curse and not just the way things are outside of town? I guess that’s why I kinda think it might be an allegory for something else.
  3. Hey all, finals are wrapping up this week, so I'm back! I see there's a lot of new work here on the site which is exciting! I'm going to try to catch up a little bit, though it might be a little slower this week as I'm moving out of my apartment and finishing my last test.
  4. Thanks!
  5. Hi, sorry to drop off the map for a bit. this semester is turning out to be a lot busier than I expected, so i am going on break until april. I'll be excited to see you then :-P
  6. Overall, I think this is a lot clearer, and I am definitely a lot less confuesd than last time. However, that may be from already reading this, but it does seem clearer to me. I also resonated more with the character, which was good. I'm still not sure if I could just begin a series from this point, but I do think that its better. I think playing up the "I like my friends, but I want to know people like ME" thing would be awesome, and that was definitely the thing that I related to most. Alright, opening the doc now. pg.1 so, just a question, is this implying that P planet can also move, since it has been in the system for only two hundred something years? Sorry if that's already been established I noticed some changes to this paragrpah from last time. I don't know if its that i've read it before, or if the way its worded is just easier to read this time, but it definitely read less like a text book compared to last time. Pla-pirates?? Like, dimension-hopping or something?? So far its easier to follow, but again, not sure if its because I've read some of your stuff now or not pg 2 "and he had more cushioning..." this sentence went on a long time, and I got a little confused I like the text messaging. That's a lot clearer, I think. pg 3. This is just personal preference, but I'm not a fan of parentheses. I mean, I use them a lot in my critiques and things, but not a fan of them in prose. But that's a bit nitpicky. "Salamander legs..." lol this is relatable. "this is MP" reminds me of when you're working on a google doc at like 12 at night and you can see that there's like two other people also there... "Technically" this is a nice explanation that was implied last time, but I like getting it straight as well. "They are yours" mmmmmm I don't trust this, M seems to be baiting her. If that was not the purpose, this might be a little too thick. "pay in information" but isn't your own moon a physical thing, and not information? oh, this is explained later, nvm "do not cross the void" sounds like an ominous death rattle to me. Or just confusing jargon. pg 7 "who look and think..." this is the one that has resonated with me the most so far. the raspberries thing is still incomprehensible to me pg 8 I believe the singular is capitalized God? Not sure if that's a hard-and-fast rule or not though. I like this last line
  7. Thanks, these are some super helpful notes! I guess what I was thinking was more of a gender change than an actual sex change, with them being hermaphrodites but only having one set of genitals "active" at a time. (And then some secondary sexual characteristics, like the feathers, changing as well). I will definitely try to be more careful with not using gender and sex interchangeably in the future. And i will try to show more...personality change I guess? Because I'm trying to write genderfluid. Though I did not think about how that might "otherize" real genderfluid people, I guess my characters will probably have to hang a lmapshade on that somehow. This sounds like fantastic advice, so I will try to make it as clear as possible in the next draft. And probably refer to sex L, since that is what seems to be more applicable to them. You know, part of me was like "but it's only one sentence..." but everybody brought it up, so... this seems to be the main problem. The main beat was kind of supposed to be "Ti wants Ek removed (and possibly killed if necessary)" but I think I need to emphasize that even more. Bes is the name of one of s. I think that might be WRS, but i'm going to make sure i mentioned that earlier just in case Thanks, this is a good point. The thought with this is that the emperor ran this orwellian theocracy and since Tik has been fighting against that he is pretty jaded against religion in general. though if I'm honest theres also probably some projection in there, so I guess that's something to be sesnitive of in the future. Thanks! Oh, I need to make this more clear earlier, I think, though I did put some little descriptors earlier. They look kinda like this, but without fins you know, I don't know. Personally, I'd say either is fine, but probably leans toward she/her since she spends most of her time as female. Though maybe they/them? or even xe/xer? Or maybe h/s? honestly I don't know, and will probably have characters just refer to her with female pronouns unless otherwise stated.
  8. I don't have a ton to add to this conversation that the others haven't said, other than I totally think you can do this. The story has a lot of promise so far, and your writing style is very clear. If this weren't the beginning of the story, and were instead somewhere in the middle, I think this chapter would be a lot more effective. It's just that beginnings are super important, in line with the whole "first impressions" way of thinking. Also: (T^T)
  9. Sure, i'd be happy to read it or do an exchange. it might take me a while to read through all of it though
  10. Thanks so much! Here's revised version of chapter 4 from a few weeks ago. Got a lot of new content, so i'm eager to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
  11. Thank you!
  12. Hey, sorry, but would it be alright if I had a sub for today? I know this is super late
  13. Hi! Sorry this is so late. You've probably already done revisions on this, but here are my thoughts: pg1 Lots of His and Her's going around all the capitalizations make it a little wonky to read, and almost make it seem ironically reverent, imo I'm not sure what you changed about the falcon scene this time around, but for some reason I didn't like it as much this time around. Sorry, I know that's not desrciptive at all, not really all that helpful. pg 4+5 in answer to your questions, the information about Ca is more clear this time around, but as a reader I;m still not sure why it's useful. pg 6 "Why would C take any of the coastal..." I sure hope this isn't a question that will be important later, because I have no idea. pg 7 I still like the commentary about history here. I am very interested in the magic rebellion pg 8 I also like the detail of the voices going silent. "willowy, feminine" This explanation makes a lot more sense this time So, at the end of the document, in answer to the question I'm not really sure what Is's motivations are. So far, it just seems like "being involved with the royal family" but I'm not really sure what she gains personally. Other than that, I thought it was good. There were a few spots that had improved clarity, and I didn't find any spots that were less clear, so good job on a nice revision.
  14. Hi, sorry! May I also have a slot for tomorrow?
  15. Well done on completing your book! That is an awesome achievement, and I hope you are proud! My main thing with this chapter was that I thought it was a bit repetitive. I also think that most of this stuff could be achieved by a single scene, instead of three separate ones. There's more of that down below. It's also fun to see how her relationship with her family (other than S) has evolved since the first scene I read when J came over for dinner. It's come a long way. And the evolution of the accpetance of BK. “in the way of greeting” I don’t know why, but this seems weird to me. Like, I know what this means, but I just don’t…vibe with it “P wouldn’t sit still…” oh yeah they’re raising S’s kid’s now huh. That’s really sad Ok, so I’m just gonna put this out there: I think she should have just accepted the offer outright. I think there is enough character justification for her to do so, and it would make a sharp contrast to her indecision earlier in the book .And like, she can be surprised, and TBK can be surprised, but I think it would still work. You could even hang a lampshade on it if you want, and it would still work, imo. Really show character growth, ya know? In any case, having her debate and fret again about whether she is going to go with TBK or not just seems repetitive, and I feel like I could skim the board game scene. Pg 2“play this via mail” you’re only a couple hundred years away from cell phones, L. Born in the wrong generation. Pg 3 “I’ve played every scenario” Hey, that’s relatable Pg 3 “thanks L” why is this sarcastic? He seems sincere Pg 4 “no restaurant fires” Oh, I doubt that. BK definitely has a backup plan to be like "But thou must!" “kill to have a family” foreshadowing? :-) “what makes you happy” this is very helpful! Ir is doing my baby M dirty Pg 6 are we going to have another coming out scene now? A bit repetitive imo Pg 7 “different types of caterpillars” ok, this is adorable Pg 8 I like how supportive her family is. Her parents, at least “\pg 11 “if you’re here, you’re helping” I really like C. And now she’s coming out to her too. Again, a bit repetitive. (Though this is my favorite one of the three) Pg 13 is the two week’s notice thing on purpose, or is that an older tradition than I thought? Ah, this is the BK we know and love. Makes sense he would have a contingency plan ( and makes him a bit darker grey than the previous few chapters. Glad we can see him being, well, the dreaded monarch he is) “release the F” I figured this was his plan. This is very interesting And that’s the end! Well done