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About ginger_reckoning

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    Howl's Moving Castle
  • Interests
    Reading, drawing, hiking, dreading, the ocean

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  1. Thanks! I think while I'm editing ch3 I'll adjust it so he's more just nervous about his dad. Ok, so this is me trying to show-not-tell a kinda complicated concept. There are only seven "stars" visible from Ix, four of which are actually planets, so the three stars are more likely to appear at this time of year, and are more likely to be visible through the night. Is there a better way to describe this? Noted
  2. Thanks! Noted. I think I will put an explanation in here. A isn't too concerned because he figures F and H will save him, and S really isn't confident enough yet to use his powers in a fight against multiple armed assailants. But I can see how it reads as anticlimactic I'm glad you liked it! I was worried it was a bit info-dumpy
  3. Thatnks for the feedback! It was supposed to be passive aggressive, but I guess it could be more aggressive. That makes sense. I think I'll try to rewrite this scene from A's perspective and see how it feels. I also totally get the contradictions over the dread. I guess that wasn't ironic enough huh I'm glad you liked the chapters!
  4. Congrats on the new job! Hope it's not too stressful.
  5. Here's the thread. Thanks again!
  6. May I have a slot for monday the 26th? (Just fyi I will be taking a break for Nanowrimo after that)
  7. Ok, just opened it and I like the new font. Reminds me of an old typewriter Still like the quote Pg.1 Already way clearer! Pg. 1 I like how we get description of the species a lot earlier Pg. 2 “The worst think…” Probably meant “thing” Pg. 2 Ok, so they’re a cyborg? Pg.2 The dialogue is also easier to read, so that’s good Pg.3 “You know, I wanted to…” this seems a bit non-sequitur to me. Also, further down they say “You S aren’t…” which makes me think D didn’t say the above quote? Did the S say that? Pg. 3 “when the burning cold conduit brushed his…” pronoun slip Pg. 4 I like the mention of the Z, which is kind of like a brief stakes moment since it implies it can melt the A. Pg. 7 “D was old enough to remember…” this is in a weird spot in the sentence Pg. 10 “D planted his feet…” another pronoun slip Pg.11 I think it’s for the best to put the other scene in another chapter. Overall, I think this chapter is much improved from the last draft. It’s a lot clearer and easier to read than the last draft, so congrats. Personally, I’d still want to know a little more about why PS is so bad, and maybe even a little more stakes stuff from the Z. Good stuff!
  9. Thanks, I think based on everyone's reactions I will just go back to the original version of having this as a summary in chapter 3. Ah. Looks like I got some research to do! It's inspired by a real town in Italy I saw in a documentary one time. I will admit I never researched how it might affect their health, though, so maybe that's something worth looking into. I do understand the roads can get quite slippery though. This has been a problem the whole time and is still something I need to work on I guess. Would you happen to have any tips? (If not that's totally understandable) Sweet!
  10. Before I begin, I am very excited to read your first installment on the forum! Ok, now for reading First paragraph: Already like the tone, good start. lots of short sentences though, might want to compound a couple for sentence variety. “his skin lying on the ground…” this is small, but maybe consider changing it to “the skin”? Could be just me, but saying “his skin” makes me think of, well, his skin. Pg 2 “but going to M didn’t sound so bad” The way this is framed right after talking about religion makes it seem like M is an afterlife, but I’m guessing it isn’t? It’s a country right? Pg 4: I like the description of the siblings Pg 4 “gave a spit of her own” lots of spitting. And the way this is worded makes it seem like she’s spitting directly onto the other spit, which just seems a bit…odd to me. Pg 5 “Lechery” Ah, yes, let’s talk about LGBTQ representation. Ok, this is just a personal thought, but as a bi, gender queer person I don’t really like the hyper sexualization of lesbians and other queer folks that you tend to see in media. I get that you’re probably trying to play with tropes on this one, but using words like “lechery” (which has strong negative “sinful” connotations- big nono) as one of the first words to describe a queer individual does not hit me right. If I were casually reading this, I’d probably put it down at this point. The “promiscuous gay” trope is done to death, and is usually done for laughs, which kind of makes it harmful stereotype. (think Scott Pilgrim v. The world) I get you were probably going for greater acceptance, which is a noble and good aspiriation, but if you really want to do that right, I would suggest removing everything after “Pleased, that is”. It says a lot more for acceptance if they don’t give the remarks a second thought. (the same way they might if the character was male, and described the same situation.) Now, I don’t hold this to you personally. Representation is hard! I always have to keep working on it. (Just cause I’m bi doesn’t give me a free pass!) So keep working at it. And if you’re worried taking out the rationalization will make it seem anachronistic, don’t. LGBTQ individuals have existed for as long as humanity has (Sapphos is a good example of a famous lesbian from ancient Greece. Also she is where the term ‘sapphic’ even comes from) and I think that most fantasy readers are becoming more accepting as a whole. Ok, rant over. Pg 6 Ooh, some classic fantasy lore. Cool stuff, but might be a bit too early for this much exposition. Pg 7 yeah, just a bit too much. I like the rich language tho Pg 9 “All it really did…” LOL Pg 9 You might want to italicize direct thoughts Pg 13 Ok, now I see why you had the lore about the blades. Cool scene. Overall this seems like a promising start! It’s definitely a very traditional fantasy, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing! I’m excited to see what happens with him and F. I also liked the scene where he was practicing with the sword at the beginning. And I am very excited to see some maps! I love maps. The characters seem fun as well, though as I noted you might want to consider tweaking the one character.
  11. Thanks, I never even considered this. Do you think a serif font would help this, as the I would no longer look like a lowercase L? Do you mean his aunt and uncle? If you mean N, I guess I need to be more clear that they are not related. Bird poop Thanks! I think need to emphasize this a lot more. What he is experiencing here is a form of magical emotional manipulation. So I think you're dead on that it needs to be framed differently, in retrospect.
  12. That's fair. However, in the actual manuscript, this would come immediately after chapter 1 (before S's scene) So I think there would still be a connection. It actually started this way, but I cut them and expanded on them in their own chapter so that A could have another chapter before going to S. If it doesn't work, I guess I could condense it back to a couple of paragraphs, but it seemed a bit info-dumpy to me. Good point, thanks
  13. Hello everyone, thanks for all the feedback last week. Here is a new chapter that I wrote to come before chapter 2 from last week, as well as a chapter that comes after it. I am still working on my chapter 2 rewrite, so hopefully that will be done next week. Sorry, I know it's confusing. I'm pretty sure there aren't any content tags for this week. Thanks again!
  14. May I have a spot for the 19th as well?
  15. That wasn't specifically what I was going for, but I am ok with that interpretation. I don't think F is ready to come out though, or that A is mature enough. Yep yep yep! I think this will be even more obvious pretty soon (Birdrock is based off of Uluru) Thanks, this is a good insight